Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.
And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk.
And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord:
"They have no more wine".
And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water. "
And they did so.
And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots,
it had become wine.
And they knew not whence, it had come.
But the servants did know.
And they applauded loudly in the kitchen.
And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?"
And inquired of him "Do you do children's parties"
And the Lord said:
"No".
But the servants did press him, saying: "Go on, give us another one!"
And so he brought forth a carrot.
and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot. "
And all about him knew that it was so.
For it was orange,
with a green top.
And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it
and lo, he held in his hand, a white rabbit.
And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good!"
"He should turn professional. "
And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy.
And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy. "
And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher,
I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!"
And they were filled with joy.
And cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are
as good as thy tricks.
Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer. "
And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed.
And Jesus said unto her:
"Put on a tutu,
and lie down in this box. "
And then took he forth a saw and cleft her in twain.
And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!"
And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole.
And the crowd went absolutely bananas.
And Jesus and Mary took a big bow.
And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Sharon,
for that is a good name for an assistant. "
And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this.
This is great. You must be the Son of God. "
But the Lord said: "No. I am he who comes before. "
And they were amazed, and said:
"Master how shall we know the true Lord. "
And jesus said: "By his name shall you know him. "
And he shall have a very religious name.
And he shall be call Paul.
And Daniel, shall he be call'
Paul Daniels! They cried.
And the Lord said:
Yes.
Something like that.
Here endeth the lesson.
Well now, Mr. Perkins. It was good of you to come in.
I realise that you're a busy man,
but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.
No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble,
then I'd like to nip it in the bud.
Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble.
Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.
Dear.
He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever.
He refuses to muck in at the sports field.
And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.
Oh, dear me.
Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
I beg your pardon?
Yes, EXPELLED!
If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead,
he'd be out on his ear!
- Tommy, is dead? - Yes. He's lying up there in sick bay now,
stiff as a board and bright green,
and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude.
You see, the boy has no sense of moderation
one moment he's flying around like a paper kite,
and the next moment he's completely immovable.
And beginning to smell.
Well, how did he die?!
- Well, is that important? - Why, yes, I think so!
Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see.
We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books
without library cards.
Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died.
But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught,
so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline.
- You see, the library card system... - I'm sorry...
...was...
- You beat my son to death? - Yes, yes, so it would seem.
Please, I'm not used to being interrupted.
You see, the library card system was introduced...
Well, exactly what happened?
Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!
No, during the beating!
Oh, that? Well...
well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...
- Dead? - Mmm... deadish!...
Mr. Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death
quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude!
And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.
Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!
Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here.
I wondered then, as I wonder now,
if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed
if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.
- Are you mad!? - I'm FURIOUS!
In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!
- This is preposterous! - Yes, it is.
Or at least, it would be...
if it were true.
- ... What? - I've been joking, Mr Perkins.
Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour.
- I've been pulling your leg. - Oh, thank God!
I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little ***!
Alright, come on, settle down please.
Answer your names.
***.
Arsebandit.
Bottom.
***.
Where are you, ***?
Dodo.
Enema.
Fistup
Come on, grow up please.
Genital.
I'm sorry, Genital.
***.
Still with us I see.
Imadick.
Imadick!
Enema, you know Imadick don't you?
Jaculation.
Myprick.
Has anybody seen Myprick?
Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick!
Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later.
Nicenquick.
Ontop.
***. Ahhh, Myprick! So good of you to turn up.
Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat.
Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?
Rigid.
Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeoff.
Tightfit.
Upyours.
***.
Yourprick.
And Zipper. Zipper?
Absent.
Now then boys, the headmaster has asked me...
...to speak to you this morning on the subject of ***.
All members of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humour
and puerile innuendo about the school.
Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!
There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories.
Sit up straight Ontop.
One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found.
If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed.
And Mr Hardon tells me that...
...there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class.
Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone!
I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place.
I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys,
and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock.
This is a school for the sons of gentlemen,
and the theory is that oneday you will become a gentleman too.
That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret.
So there will be an end to this second form toilet humour
where so much conversation is devoted to *** double entendre.
Dodo Suckmeoff Nicenquick, detention Saturday.
Right, I'm going to the staffroom now,
but if I come back and catch *** in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday,
then there'll be trouble!
Do you have ever one of those days when everything seems to go wrong?
I did, and unfortunately, it was my wedding day.
And three men in particular were to blame.
It all started with the priest.
I now pronounce you man and wife...
well done.
You may now kiss the bride...
Nice one.
All right, please be seated everybody.
I'd just like to say a few words before the communion.
You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days,
"Father, what is the church's attitude towards ***?"
And I tend to reply by telling them a little story
about the first time I was asked that question.
It was a couple of years ago,
a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service
and asked me just that question.
"Father, what is the church's attitude towards ***?"
And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you,
but unfortunately, I don't know what *** is!"
And so, she showed me.
And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question
"Father, what is the church's attitude towards ***?"
I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you...
but unfortunately, I don't know what *** is!"
Next, came my trusted best man.
Um, all right, er... right, well... huh-huh, huh-huh, right, erm...
ladies and gentlemen and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party...
how did those two girls get under the table
and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste?
Er... er, right, well, erm... well, er... when,
just before I left the house, huh-huh, erm, this afternoon,
huh-huh, I said to myself, you know,
the last thing you must do is forget your speech.
Er... mmm, well and sure enough, erm,
erm, when I left the house... whoops! Ha-ha, er... mm m,
the last thing I did... ha-ha, yes, you guessed it, well, was to forget my speech.
So, erm... so it's all ad lib, I'm afraid.
Er... er, er, er,... right, well, well, well,
dear me, well now, now, when should I begin,
haha-ha, I'd like to begin now.
Huh-huh, er, right, well, well, well,
I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight.
And you know, he hasn't changed a bit.
Erm, well, that's not quite true, of course. He didn't have his beard then, huh-huh, erm,
and I'll tell you this, he wouldn't have been able to do
whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary,
extraordinary, erm... extraordinary how little people change, isn't it?
Huh-huh, yes, erm... er, although, I know I changed a great deal
because I used to be an absolute ***,
always bleating things out when I shouldn't, for instance, this afternoon.
I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist
mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes
when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning, er... mmm.
Yes, but, but, erm, enough of that, huh-huh,
he started making gestures at me now, which I think,
huh-huh, means he wants me to cut my speech short, erm.
So, suffice to say that I'll think he'll make a ripping husband, erm...
then, I think his wife, ripping, too.
Huh-huh. And I can only hope that, that the dress will hold out, er, huh-huh, erm... so,
so, I'd like to propose a toast,
erm, to go with the pate,
huh-huh... erm, huh-huh, to the groom and to his lovely horse, erm, wife, huh-huh.
It's all, it's all starting to come back to me now, huh-huh, erm,
And I just to know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfying as I was
when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning... cheers! Huh-huh...
And finally, my loving father-in-law
provided the perfect end to a perfect day...
Ladies and gentlemen and friends of my daughter.
There comes a time in every wedding reception
when the man who paid the for the damn thing...
...is allowed to speak a word or two of his own.
And I should like to take this opportunity,
sloshed as I may be,
to say a word or two about Martin.
As far as I'm concerned,
my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible,
wealthy, let's not deny it,
well-placed, good-looking and fertile
young man than Martin as her husband.
And I therefore ask the question
"Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"
...because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school
as a complete prick!
If I may use a gardening simile here,
if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap
and I think they can
then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it.
I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid.
I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife
she's the lovely woman propping up that old lush of a mother of his
either this man is suffering from serious brain damage
or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived.
As for his family, they are quite simply...
...the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals
that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to.
I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.
I would like to propose a toast
to the caterers.
And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church.
Er... as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me,
you can sod off.
I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.
Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards
and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year.
And the nominations for this year are:
Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman"
Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III"
And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play,
"Stench" by Harold Barkworthy.
And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter.
And David Forbert in the role of Mr. Gannet.
Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree
that the point is not to win, but to play the game...
And the winner is...
John Daniels!
Oh, ***!
Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight.
So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf.
David!
David?
David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words?
Thank you Vanessa.
Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award
on behalf of my close personal,
acquaintance, John Daniels.
John cannot unfortunately accept it himself
because he is in Hollywood.
staring in his first major film role...
with Meryl Streep.
I am however, NOT in Hollywood,
not having been offeredeven a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie!
But what a delightful object it is that John has won.
Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself,
when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco.
So what is it that Johnny has got
that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation?
Well, I think we all know the answer to that one...
syphilis!
And what a great and heart warming thing it is.
That he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors.
Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor,
but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End
on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor.
What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions
where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos,
awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened,
because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST re-arrangementof Evita,
to suture vocal range of Kylie Minogue.
Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has wonthis award instead of me.
And I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession,
in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped.
In which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members
of the judging panel, very soon.
Ashes to ashes. Amen!
We are gathered here today on this beautiful autumn morning
to pay our last respects to Thomas Fairclough,
Richard Mason and Harold Walker.
Tom, *** and Harry.
As they were known to all of us.
Three stout fellows of our community who will be sorely missed.
Tom, sadly, was blind
an affliction he bore with great fortitude. Especially considering he was also deaf.
His only power was that of speech and song.
And we all recall his enormous voice.
Joining lustly in hymn singing.
Of course, being blind and deaf,
Tom never actually knew what hymn he was singing,
which seemed appropriate because we never knew what hymn he was singing, either.
In fact, if we had to be frank with each other, Tom didn't actually know any hymns.
Thus it was with deep gratitude we recall the day when
Colonel Grant, using only sense of touch, through the medium of a clenched fist,
actually broke through to Tom
and got him to SHUT UP!
Leading guidance through the darkness of life,
Tom was lucky to have a friend like ***.
*** had perfect eyesight, and would gladly lead Tom wherever he wanted to go.
Unfortunately since *** was deaf,
he couldn't actually here where Tom wanted to go!
Yet, like Tom, *** never complained about his afflictions, did he?
Well he couldn't.
He was dumb;
but, blessed with gift of vision, though stone deaf,
he was a tremendous fan of Olivia Newton-John.
Being such an idiosyncratic pair, deaf to the world about them,
Tom and *** were to have the permanent companionship of Harry.
Harry could literally here a pin drop.
Though, being blind and dumb, he could neither see to pick it up.
nor warn anyone else not to stand on it.
So, as individuals, they were sadly afflicted,
but together they were in possession of all of God's senses, weren't they.
And it is together, that we remember them.
Together, at their job, checking eggs at the battery farm.
*** would look for the cracks,
Tom would complain to the foreman,
and Harry would do the listening to Radio One.
Likewise in the evening when they have returned from work...
...they all sit on the big red couch.
*** watching the television, Harry listening to the television
and Tom insisting that is time to buy a television.
Sadly as we all know,
three days ago, their peaceful lives were ended.
*** saw the combine harvester
Harry heard the combine harvester, but neither could cry out.
Tom, who could have cried out, never had the faintest idea what hit him.
And so, they were all harvester together. Blended into oneness, at last.
And now we trust are in heaven, as happy as any, with that immortal host.
*** will see the Angel's choir,
Harry will hear the Angel's choir,
and no doubt, Tom will ruin it for everybody.