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Wait Potter! Your sorting isn't done yet.
The scarf of *** preference.
Metrosexual!
So does the school provide shoes to go with this fabulous tie or what?
It sure does.
I'll make it work.
Hey, guys. What did you guys get sorted as?
- Bi-curious. - Waiting till marriage.
No guys! What house did you get sorted in?
- Oh! Gryffindor! - Gryffindor!
Gryffindor, cool. Me too!
Bloody ***! Dean, get a look of this. We're in the same house as Harry Potter!
Why don't you just put your feet right up here, mister Potter?
Can I shine your shoes for you, mister Potter?
Go for it, man!
Yo man. I've got this mean backrub.
Service is not nesseccary. Get out of here!
Gryffindor house rocks! I can't even imagine
what kind of other *** exist in other stupid houses.
Slytherin!
Well, well.
Isn't this cute?
The rumors are true.
You must be Harry Potter, the famous ***.
My name is Draco Malfoy.
I am a racist.
I despise gingers,
and mudbloods.
I hate Gryffindor house,
and my parents work for the man who killed your parents.
Do you want to be my friend?
Hate Gryffindor house?
Get out of my face, Malfoy.
Harry, no!
You are not permitted to touch!
Crabbe, Goyle!
Who dares disturb my slumber?
- Get over here! - You too girl!
- It's clobering time! - As you wish!
Shake them!
Stop!
How does it feel to watch your friends being tortured?
Leave them alone, you ***!
- Just be his friend, Harry! - We'll miss you, Harry!
Feel like being my friend yet, Potter?
No way!
Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want.
But I will never and I mean ever be your friend.
You've made a grandiose mistake, Potter.
No one undermines Draco Malfoy.
Oh, Malfoy you little ***!
Dumbledore!
Go sit down right now or I will spank your diaper touche.
- Malfoy wears a diaper? - He sure does.
Draco, x-ray glasses.
This is all your fault, Potter!
You wait till my father hears of this!
Well, well, well.
Welcome everybody to your very first magical year at Hogwarts.
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I'll be your headmaster.
You call me Dumbledore. Or else!
Now. By now you should have been sorted into one of four houses.
During your time at Hogwarts your house will be like your family.
Boring families, we all hate each other.
Finally compete for this cup.
Look at that cup!
I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup.
I'd kill for that cup.
That cup is ours and you're gonna die!
We don't kill each other in the great hall.
You have to wait for that on the Quidditch field.
Quidditch?
What are you talking about, Dumbledore?
Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport.
Just for wizards. And boy is it silly!
We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up into the air on brooms
where you bounce around big old balls and
beat each other with long thick clubs.
There are some other rules in there somewhere, and you get points somehow.
But the thing we all watch for is the blood.
Isn't that right, Lupin?
Sure as hell is, Dumbledore.
Kids, I'd like you to meet Remus Lupin
your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher.
He also volunteered to coach the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
And, let's not forget about my very good friend
our potions master and coach of the Slytherin team
- Professor Snape. - Yay!
I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts astronomy club.
This year we will pay particulary close attention to the cycles of the moon.
And their effects upon certain professors.
Remus Lupin for example.
What do you enjoy doing in the light of the full moon?
That's an easy one, Snape. Kill!
I mean... I mean...
I mean kill animals!
I mean dance with animals, sorry.
Well, if my calculations are correct there should be a full moon at this very evening.
You're full of ***, Snape!
I mean poopie.
There was a full moon just 30 days ago.
In fact I must be going.
I feel in the mood to kill some animals.
My transformation! It's beginning!
Sorry kids.
Speed of a wolf!
Bye!
Anyway, on a more serious note.
Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to finally kill each other.
Your lives could be in grave danger as well.
Whatever could you mean, professor Dumbledore?
It's Cho Chang. How are you doing, Cho?
Well Cho, I'm sure you've all heard by now
that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban.
And the Ministry is not taking the threat he poses to Hogwarts very lightly.
Oh, dear! Professor, do you mean that
Sirius Black could be headed... here?
I sure do, Shlongbottom.
In fact there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep.
Thanks, Hermin!
Ron, he said cute, he could only be talking about me!
Oh, yeah, duh. Hermin wons a butt.
She sure is, Ron.
Anyway, the Ministry has send a new security officer to help keep
HARRY POTTER as well as everybody else save as can be, so
kids, I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to
professor Umbridge.
Severus! I was under the impression that the ministry was sending a woman.
not this handsome stud-muffin
honestly hes a dreamy
- Who is that guy? - That's no guy!
That's Dolores Umbridge, my dad told me about her.
He says she can't be killed. He says she drinks blood!
And I read that she used to be the warden of Azkaban
and that the Dementors that work there are only afraid of one thing: her!
I heard, that one time a Dementor kissed her
and it died.
Oh, dear!
Well professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories and
professor Umbridge has asked to have a word
with all the cute young ladies about the girls dorm.
Walk this way!