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Thank you guys! Thanks for coming out tonight, we appreciate it.
I'm confused!
It's nice to see some couples out tonight. Yeah, it's great!
People who haven't given up on the concept of relationships.
You guys having a good time? Awesome. Awesome.
Is this your second date or your third?
You look like you're having a really good time.
Yeah, You go out as a couple or you go out with your single friends.
Oh yeah, these guys back here. I know what that's like, yeah.
But you can't go out alone. Not if you're a guy. No no, that's just not gonna work out.
Oh yeah, "Table for one ready for Jeffrey Dahmer.
Mister Dahmer, table for one."
Oh yeah, I like going out with my single buddies. It's fun man.
I know exactly how this is going to go tonight you guys.
You're gonna keep drinking, yeah. Then you're gonna get drunker. That's right
And ah, You're gonna get drunk enough to have about seven fails trying to pick up women tonight. Yeah!
Then, about 2 in the morning you're gonna give up.
You're gonna go home, stagger home. That's right. Maybe not puke.
Okay, well
This couple here have got a very different evening in store for them.
Oh yeah.
They're gonna go home.
They're gonna go to bed.
And they're gonna have rip roaring sex! Hells yeah!
No man. It just seems wierd. Look at them. They're sitting here right now just like the rest of us. Yet later,
they're gonna be completely naked together. Yeah!
I'm sorry. I don't want to pick on you two. No it's cool.
We appreciate it, all of us. We appreciate you coming out tonight because we know
that there are other things you could be doing tonight!
Thank you for your time.
Oh yeah. Dating's fun though. Isn't it?
I mean, what is dating?
Dating.
Dating is ah
single people
Usually single for a reason
Trying to meet other single people.
With the hope of becoming a couple.
Right?
Now that's a good goal.
That's worth working for.
And dating is work, that's for sure.
Yeah, I remember sex.
Is it still fun?
Right on! Glad to hear it.
Women complain that
there should be a birth control method for men.
Right ladies?
I mean, why should you women carry the burden of reproductive prevention?
And, you know, part of the problem is
There is no option for men.
And I don't want to hear about that flimsy latex thing. Every time I try to unroll one of those
I can't figure out how to pull it on.
It's too much for the male intellect.
But the experts are on to us.
They found a new method of birth control for men
I'm lucky. I got into the clinical trial. Yeah!
They pay me every week to be part of a nation-wide clinical study.
Ha ha. That's right. The data so far are very promising.
What do they call that method?
Unemployment. Oh yeah.
If that's not the ultimate barrier method I don't know what is.
You see how that little ah
Job bulletin would go:
"WANTED: Housewife." No no.
"Hairy housewife who can't cook."
"Must not be able to sew or separate laundry."
"Please leave the toilet seat up regularly."
Oh yeah, Mr wonderful.
Yeah, I figure the guy with the giant *** raspberry on his upper lip
is probably gonna have a better chance of getting a date than "unemployed dude."
Oh man
That's brutal stuff.
But I'll tell you what. Unemployment gets a bad rap.
But it's awesome!
No no it is, it's the best kept secret. Trust me, I know.
Nobody in this room knows about that, right?
Yeah, we're all familiar with unemployment, right?
Everybody in this room.
Everybody in this room is gonna be unemployed really soon.
Oh no, don't worry about it. You're gonna love it!
It's called Friday afternoon at five o'clock, everyone is gonna be unemployed until Monday morning.
Yeah! Woohoo! We love unemployment!
You spend your whole week thinking about what that's gonna be like.
That little sliver of unemployment that they deal you. You know they throw you that little bone.
You fantasize about it all week. Okay, It's so short,
you're just thinking about all the stuff you're gonna pack into your unemployment.
And your unemployed friends?
You look at us with envy. As well you should.
Ha ha, we got all the benefits like,
No more 'Exit Dude' guilt.
You know what I'm talking about.
That exit you take off the freeway. Yeah.
You come to that first traffic light that lasts about 12 minutes.
You're trapped. He knows it.
He's standing there looking as pathetic as he can.
Holding up his sign with really good grammar. A couple of backwards P's.
He's just thinking to himself, "Come on man.
Just look at me so I can guiltify you out of some easy cash."
Man, what a dweeb.
No, you're not gonna look at him. You're gonna try to pretend you don't see that guy, right?
You're gonna play with your stereo like it's some intricate
instrument on a space shuttle.
Fascinating captain. No forms of life in the vicinity.
Oh he's still there. I Can't look oh, Oh my god!
Oh now, these guys got nothing on me. Oh no. I'm unemployed.
Man, I pull up and look for these guys man. Direct eye contact.
Man, I pull up and look for these guys man. Direct eye contact.
Hold a staring down contest and see who blinks.
If I have time, I roll down my window and stick out my hand. Come on bro, I'm unemployed.
They don't know what to do with that. It thows them off.
Oh man. What else did I notice about unemployment? Oh yeah.
I was a fairly cheap *** before I was unemployed.
Now I'm a turbo tight-***.
Like a super-hero, "Mister Frugality!"
yeah, If I wanna buy noodles I got to go to the grocery store,
the generic section, pick up some 'Bottom Ramen'.
Oh yeah, can't afford the good stuff.
Oh yeah, can't afford the good stuff.
My new personal entertainment budget? That big *** of cash?
I figure I could feed a starving Somali infant
for about twelve minutes with that money. Oh yeah.
I'm so cheap now,
I put somebody else's tooth under my pillow and just hope.
I put somebody else's tooth under my pillow and just hope.
I don't know though. I kind of miss having a job.
They're useful.
No, it's not what you think.
Jobs are a good excuse for getting out of the stuff nobody wants to do.
You know what I'm talking about? You see my friends now they know I'm not working.
So they think, oh, he's got all the time in the world.
"Hey Jim, we're moving next week. You're available, right?"
"Hey Jim, we're moving next week. You're available, right?"
Yeah, I figured out how to put that crap to a stop real quick.
I just reply to them,
"Yeah, yeah I am, thank you!
I've been looking for work.
I need work.
Those wheels start turning with their cheap-***
suddenly their tune changes real fast.
"Okay, well we got a lot of people now but if we need an extra hand we'll call you."
I tell you, people are very supportive. I did learn that.
People see that you're unemployed, they want to help you out.
You know you start getting the ah,
what do you want to call it? "Unemployment discount"?
You know how that goes. You go out to dinner.
yeah, usually people are fighting over who pays the tab, right? That's a big fight.
Yeah, I laid down my weapons for that battlefield.
Now it's like, "I insist, you insist?
Okay, you insist, that's cool man.
I'll pick up the next time.
The next time I have a job.
Yeah, so ah
Somebody gave me another thing that was really helpful. People try to help you out.
Somebody gave me an "Unemployment Brochure".
It's really cool you've probably seen this somewhere.
It has tips on "What you should do, should you become unemployed."
I learned alot from that brochure.
I learned that you should keep a regular schedule as if you are working.
Okay so that means you set your alarm bright and early every day to keep a normal work schedule.
Can you believe these guys?
So I ah, what did I do?
I also learned that, if you use proper technique, an alarm clock, the digital kind.
Will not bounce when thrown straight down from a 30 foot window on to solid concrete.
Ah, the "Unemployment Brochure" What else did I learn?
Oh yeah, You should continue to dress for success. That's right.
So whatever roll you had previously,
you should dress for that roll so as to keep the mindset
for the potential for future re-employment.
Oh, that made sense to me.
So I went up to my closet. I went though my ties and picked out my favorite 'Power Tie'.
Yeah, you know the lucky 'Success Tie'
It's working pretty well.
I brought it up to my office.
Yeah, I had a home office my last job
so I went up to my office and I learned that you can run
an entire silk necktie though
a Pitney Bowes cross-cut paper shredder. No jams whatsoever.
But yeah, When you’re unemployed,
you are dangerous.
Oh yeah. I remember that. You're the guy that's like,
“Oh yeah this great Band's playing at Hatty’s tonight. Yeah, we’ll see you there at nine-thirty.
Then we'll do an extra late-night happy hour. I know another place downtown. We'll be hanging out till two in the morning.
Your friends are like, "Ah Jim, it's Monday."
Wrong! It's Saturday, again!
Every day is Saturday when you're unemployed. Yoohoo!
And most of my Saturdays?
There's no line at the bar.
It's inexplicable, eveyone's gone home early.
We've got the place to ourselves.
Yeah, I saw in the paper that the unemployment rate is what nine, ten percent?
Man, I don't believe that shyt for a second.
In my circle, it's about 85 percent.
And the only ones that are working are women.
Yeah, my friends are more available.
Thank goodness.
Yeah, that's a great social network for getting back out in the corporate world.
But what's with women getting all the jobs?
I mean you take your typical male. Okay so he can't cook.
Okay so he couldn't multitask to save his life.
And his communication skills look like
he might have just got off a *** cruise from Uzbekistan.
Okay, so it’s inexplicable that they’d hire a woman over him.
But the real challenge of unemployment, especially if you're a guy, is ah
if you're single and unemployed. Oh man!
You’ll be out with your ah working buddy. Yeah, your only working buddy.
and you meet a couple of ladies and he's talking about what he does for a living;
"Oh yeah, I monitor aerospace materials testing and ah, process assembly management
with an emphasis on technical quality assurances.
Our group is basically why fighter jets don’t fall out of the sky."
Thank you Tony Stark for that ultimate dating *** BLOCK!
Oh man, you know what's coming next, don't you?
Oh yeah, that poor lassie that got asigned to your sorry ***
through that twisted dating process
she's looking at you with those puppy-dog eyes, "What do you do?"
It's horrific man.
What do you say to that? "I'm between jobs?"
You better be more creative than that my friend.
"I'm reinventing myself and exploring new marketing opportunities
and I'm examining the most lucrative kind."
Oh man, she's gonna see right though that stuff.
Man, say it with pride, It's badass
You're unemployed! Yeah I got no job. Every day's Saturday. What do I do?
I get up every morning at the crack of ten.
I eat cold cerial with my
Spiderman jammies on.
And some seriously wicked pillow hair.
Oh yeah, I watch bad daytime television all day and I check every week for 500 bucks.
So, my place or yours?