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You're watching Musical Theatre Mash!
Once upon a time, there was a maiden, a lad, and a baker
and Joanna Gleason. And a bunch of other people.
Cinderella wants to go to the ball. "The king's festival?!"
Jack wants to support his family.
"You foolish child." And the baker needs a cow, a cape, some hair and a slipper
to have a baby because a witch cursed his father and now Joanna Gleason can't get
pregnant.
Because that make sense.
So, of course, everybody goes into the woods. "Into the Woods."
Cinderella gets a dress from a tree, Jack meets a weird old man who kind of looks like
the narrator from the beginning and Little Red gets eaten by a wolf. Then saved.
Granny too.
The Baker gets the cape and he and Joanna Gleason trade beans for Jack's cow.
"These beans carry magic." Which his mother promptly to discards.
Cinderella flees the ball pursued by the prince ... and this guy.
Joanna Gleason, distracted by shoes, loses the cow. Jack comes back from the giants
in the sky and sings about ***. "She draws you close to her giant ***."
And the guy who isn't the narrator comes back and mugs the baker. "Give me back the money
that is not yours."
The one prince meets the other prince they compare "manhoods" and complain.
"Agony!" Joanna Gleason hears something about hair. "Let down your hair to me." "Is that you my prince?"
And does her best Bea Arthur impression.
"Yes."
And the Baker gets the cow back. Three down, one to go. "Where did you find it?"
"I pulled it from a maiden in a tower."
But then Milky White dies.
The witch yells at Rapunzel and then gets all locks of love up on her.
Cinderella finally loses her shoe on the stairs and gives Joanna Gleason the
other one because, why not?
The which brings the cow back to life, they feed it all the stuff and boom presto
she turns into Annie
uh... I mean bernadette peters
Oh, and jack stole a bunch of stuff so now he's rich. Oh and the creepy
forest dude died and he's the Baker's father.
Cinderella gets married. Everyone's invited including a pregnant Joanna Gleason.
"Thank you for the slipper."
And during intermission half of the audience leaves because they think they
show is over.
Act Two. Cinderella is rich. Jack is rich. And Joanna Gleason's bun in the oven
is no longer in the oven in leaving just her buns in the oven.
'Cuz she's a
baker and they make buns.
There's a loud crash.
We conclude that it's the giant's wife, back for revenge and go into the woods because
Sondheim decided you haven't heard that chorus enough yet. "Into the woods"
"Into the woods"
"Into the woods to grandmother's house."
The princes sing a song again because they're funny and why not. Everybody
gets lost and then the narrator is sacrificed to the giant because what
good is a fourth wall if you can't break it.
Jack's mother is bonked in the head.
Joanna Gleason has the funniest line in the show.
"This is ridiculous, what am I doing here, I'm in the wrong story!"
and is squashed.
Everybody argues. Bernadette Peters does her best Margaret Hamilton impression and
the Baker runs away.
It's all okay though, because although dying twice, this guy is still alive and
convinces the baker to help the others *** the lady giant in cold blood.
Both the living in the dead have learned their lessons and the remainder of the
audience leaves with nightmare inducing parables to tell their children before
bedtime.
"Ha ha ha!"