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Oh, my God, mom.
*
**
I had been studying
all weekend.
***
****
You're never alone
when you have books.
Really? Is that
what you want me to turn into?
Sweetheart, listen to me.
This is the s.A.T.S. Okay?
It is not some
stupid science quiz.
Hey, if science quizzes
are so stupid,
Why do you put mine
up on the refrigerator?
Because we feel sorry
for you,
'cause books
are your friends.
Yeah, she wasn't studying
last night.
She was video-chatting
the whole time.
Shut up!
I knew it.
I knew it.
You are
such a tattletale!
Girls, take it down
a notch, because I --
whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's the hot topic
on "the view" today, ladies?
Dad, can you just
please tell mom
That I can take a two-hour break
and go to a party?
No, ma'am.
I'm not stepping into that one.
We're not playing
good cop/mom.
[ knock on door ]
I got it.
Claire:
You know, you just bought
yourself an extra...
-Hello.
-You call for a plumber?
Uh, no, we did not.
Oh. Yes. We did! We did!
Phil: We did?
Plumber, hi. Yeah.
Um, it's right up at the top
of the stairs.
-Really, claire?
-Thank you.
But didn't I tell you
I'd fix the tub?
Yes, honey, you did,
And I think I was pregnant
with luke at the time.
That is not fair.
I've done everything you've
asked me to do around here.
I fixed the step, didn't I?
Look how solid it is!
I'm like shirley temple
and that black guy!
-Bill "bojangles" Robinson.
-Bill "bojangles" Robinson!
I said it first!
So, this is the problem.
Uh, faucet
just keeps leaking.
Yeah,
it's a cracked washer --
If I know my washers.
And it's, uh, it's been leaking
a little water.
Yeah, could be a washer,
A cracked valve,
a stripped pipe.
Well, I guess I'm not
a professional plumber,
But I have spent a huge
amount of time in that tub.
I can tell you
from experience,
Or at least what it feels like
in there --
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
Mitchell:
Oh, good. You're back.
I need you
to help settle a spat
Between our blacksmith
and the chimney sweep.
Be nice. It took me 20 minutes
to find my opera cloak.
I still can't believe you didn't
have to rent any of that.
Oh, please. Do you know
how many times
-this has paid for itself?
-Has it?
Well, our friend pepper
Loves to throw
theme parties.
Yes, he does, and this weekend
is his first annual
"oscar wilde
and crazy brunch."
We're still recovering
From his
"studio 54th of July" barbecue.
They were fun at first.
Uh...
But they have become
a lot of work.
You have to dress
in costume.
You have to assume
a character.
I -- I can't believe
you ever dated him.
One date.
It was the '90s.
We'd just lost
princess die.
I was at sea.
Oh, cam, can we just...
Can we please cancel?
[ sighs ]
I wish we could,
But you know he's still mad
at us for missing passover.
Oh. Right.
"seder-day night fever"?
Just go get dressed
and powdered.
Ohh.
Pepper has done
the impossible!
He's made two gay men
hate brunch.
You know,
it might be easier
Just to pour the espresso
right in the sugar.
[ chuckles
sarcastically ]
Every morning.
[ footsteps approaching ]
Jay,
what are you wearing?
[ chuckling ] you can't go
to church like that.
Well, that settles it, then.
I'm going golfing.
You're gonna
miss church again?
Last Sunday,
you said that you had
to go to the office.
The week before, you had
breakfast with a friend.
And before that,
you thought you had a cold
That turned out
not to be a cold.
Because I babied it.
You don't have
to convince us.
You have to convince him.
Who, god?
Me and god are good!
How would you know?
Look, you feel god in church,
which is great.
I feel god out in nature,
amongst his works.
Are you gonna go to church
next week?
We'll see.
I know what
"we'll see" means.
If you're done with church,
just say it.
I'm done with church.
Don't say that!
Look -- I'm not
going to church anymore.
It's not the end
of the world.
Let's not make
a big deal out --
[ rumbling and clattering ]
hell...
Aah. Aah.
Earthquake!
Iterremoto!
Ivamos, vamos, manny!
Ivamos, jay!
Come on, jay!
[ clattering ]
Girls?!
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Okay.
This is --
this is stuck!
[ whimpering ]
We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
We better not.
If they find us
in these outfits,
It's gonna be very bad
for the gays.
[ whimpers ]
Claire?!
Alex: We're okay!
Luke: Dad?
Luke!
Buddy.
You okay?
That thing
almost fell on me!
I was sitting there,
And it came this close
to my head!
It's all right.
You're okay.
You didn't get hurt.
Well, I'm not gonna wait
around here until I do.
Ohh.
O...Kay.
Wow!
That is a doozy.
Hey, are you guys okay?
Yeah, we're fine.
You?
We're fine.
That was really...
[ beep ]
Oh, wait. Hold on.
[ beep ]
Hello?
Mitch, are you okay?
We're okay.
We're okay.
And phil and claire?
Uh, I'm on the other line
with them right now.
One second.
[ beep ]
Hello?
Oh, shoot,
we lost phil.
We lost phil?!
[ voice breaking ]
we lost phil?
[ beeping ]
hello?
Great.
Now gloria's gone.
Gloria's gone, too?
Ohh!
Phil: Hey, gloria.
Ay, dios mío, phil,
you're alive!
Yeah,
of course I'm alive.
[ straining ]
For now.
For months,
claire has been after me
And *** me --
"what if we have
an earthquake?
We've got kids in the house."
Blah blah blah.
So it finally reached the point
where I had no choice
But to just roll up my sleeves
and tell her I did it.
[ grunts ]
Aah.
Phil!
Dad, get up here!
On my way --
seriously, I just fixed that!
Alex: Haley...
What's wrong?
Mom's stuck!
[ clears throat ]
You okay in there?
We're fine.
The door is jammed.
Oh. Okay.
Uh...Well, let's -- let's try
this together, okay?
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna push.
You pull.
Okay.
On three.
1, 2, 3...
[ door rattling ]
Aah! Nothing!
Oh, dang!
Okay, here's the thing.
I wasn't pushing.
In fact, I was pulling a little.
It dawned on me
That as long as claire was stuck
in the bathroom,
I'd have time to anchor
the cabinet to the wall.
It's like they say --
Sometimes when god
closes a door,
He closes it so hard
that your wife can't get out.
So, don't panic!
I'm gonna get you out!
I'm just gonna go get
some tools!
Get a crowbar
if you have one!
What is that
supposed to mean?
Like I'm some dandy
who doesn't have a crowbar?
Well, you did just use
the word "dandy."
"dandy" is a term coined
by miners in the 15th century.
Phil?
I --
Just get us out
of here.
Alex: Seriously.
Dad, how long is it gonna take
to get her out of there?
Long time.
Claire: Oh, honey.
Don't worry.
Mommy is gonna be out soon.
Don't panic.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You're not going
to that party, young lady.
No, I'm not going
to the party.
I'm just going downstairs.
With your purse?
[ sighs ] come on.
Just cover for me
this one time, and I...
I'll drive you
wherever you want.
I want to go to the museum
of tolerance.
Fine.
How far is tolerance?
I can hear the two of you
scheming out there!
Don't you dare
leave this house!
Ohh, why do you have to be
such a psycho contl freak?!
Okay, you know what?
Just for that,
you are grounded one week!
Oh, that's good parenting!
Okay. Two weeks.
Want to double it?!
Keep talking!
Blah blah
blah blah blah!
Fine!
Four weeks! Four!
Double it again
and make it 10 weeks!
Oh, my god!
Do you not hear
how much you need to study?!
Mitchell, come on.
We're gonna be late.
Ohh, I can't believe
we have to do this.
Come on,
after the earthquake,
It might be nice to be around
similarly dressed people.
That makes no --
the earthquake!
Okay. Okay. Yes.
Yes. This -- okay.
This is the perfect excuse.
[ dialing ]
Why? We're fine.
Yeah, but pepper
doesn't know that.
You'll just tell him
That we have some damage
we have to deal with.
Why me?
Because I'm the one
that always cancels.
No, do not hand me that.
I will not talk to him.
Pepper: Hello?
I'm a bad liar.
Do not hand me that.
He is on the phone
right now.
Pick up.
You are doing it!
I think somebody's talking.
Hello?
Hi! Pepper!
Listen -- hi. Hey.
It's cameron.
How are you doing over there?
Great.
Well, the earthquake.
Yeah, it was huge here.
Huge.
So, obviously,
we're not --
We're not gonna be able
to make it.
Why not?
Well, some dishes broke.
You can sweep
them up later.
And, uh, well, yeah,
I guess --
I guess we could
sweep those up, um, later.
Our, uh, our --
our hat rack.
Our hat rack
fell through the window.
Hat rack?
Well, yeah,
we do have a hat rack.
We thought it would force us
to wear our hats more.
And it did.
And there's water damage.
There's water everywhere.
A bookshelf fell
on mitchell's leg.
Mitchell's hurt, pepper.
Mitchell's hurt real bad.
I'm coming right over.
No, you don't need
to come over.
I'm coming!
Pepper, no!
[ beep ]
He's coming over.
See? Kind of panicked.
[ sighs ]
you did panic, cam.
You panicked real bad.
You're still
going golfing?!
God sent you a sign, jay!
What, the earthquake?
You got to be kidding me.
You say that you're never
going to church again,
And the ground shakes
with a vengeance.
I'll prove it to you.
God, if you have a problem
with me golfing...
Shh!
...Send me a sign!
I mean, throw in
a little lightning!
Put on a show!
Don't talk to god
like that!
Trust me.
If god had a problem
with me,
He would let me know
without shaking the whole city.
He would be
a little more specific.
I'm not gonna argue
with you.
I don't want
to get upset.
Vámanos, manny.
I think I'm gonna
skip it toda
what?!
I like what jay said
about god being in nature.
No, no, no, no.
Don't listen to him.
His days are numbered!
Think about it, mom.
It makes sense.
God made the trees
and the grass.
He didn't make
that church.
But he made the people
that make the church,
And you're making me angry!
Vámanos.
Just one week.
Can I go golfing
with you?
Well, I'm probably
gonna have
A latino kid
carry my clubs anyway.
Might as well be you.
Fine!
See what I care! Go!
Manny. Go change.
Sorry, mom.
Hope you understand.
Mm.
Probably good for us to
spend a little time together.
[ engine revs ]
You're gonna spend
eternity together!
[ sighs ]
Ohh. Damn it!
[ engine shuts off ]
I suppose that was god, too!
I don't know who did it,
but it makes me happy.
Aah!
[ car door closes ]
[ drill whirring ]
[ whirring stops ]
What are you doing?
Hey, buddy.
Oh, just double-checking
these straps.
This is an extra.
These babies
saved your life.
That's why this cabinet
barely moved.
It fell all the way
to the couch.
Mnh-mnh.
It almost killed me.
No, it didn't.
This cabinet
barely moved.
That's just perspective
playing tricks on your mind.
Like if I hold up my thumb,
it looks bigger than your head.
No, it doesn't.
It looks tiny.
You have to look at it
from over here.
How can I ok at my head
from over there?
Claire: Phil?
Why don't you
just lie down?
I got to make sure
your mom's still stuck.
So she --
I can get her out.
Don't fall asleep.
Sorry that took --
you filthy...
Sorry that took so long!
I'm gonna go ahead and just
take off the doorknob, okay?
Okay!
There we go.
That's -- oh, damn!
What? What happened?
I, uh, brought
the wrong screwdriver,
So I'll be right back!
All right,
but hurry up, phil!
Doing my best, claire!
Oh, don't talk back, dad!
She'll just ground you!
That's 32 weeks,
young lady!
[ shoe thuds ]
I was at 16 before,
right?
What?
Nothing.
Don't judge me
until you've had a teenage girl.
I've had four of 'em.
God, how did you
survive that?
Girls were
a piece of cake.
It was the boy.
Every look on his face.
Every stupid decision
he made.
The way he sat there,
chewing his food like an idiot.
And then it hit me
why this kid drove me so crazy.
He's me.
Well, all the more reason
she should listen to me.
I can stop her
from making the same mistakes.
Did you listen
to your mother?
Ohh, god no.
But, you know,
I had a reason.
That woman was
a psycho control...
Freak.
Luke: Hey, mom.
I brought you some soda.
But I couldn't find
any straws,
So you'll have to drink it
like cats.
Oh! Thank you, luke!
That's my sweetie.
I was going to
bring you wine,
But you finished the big bottle
last night.
Okay. Off you go.
I was --
Hold this,
will you, kid?
Sure.
You know, mitchell
used to caddy for me.
Of course, he spent most of
his time chasing butterflies.
You won't catch me
doing that.
Good for you.
I'm terrified of them.
Huh.
Look at that.
That's a perfect shot.
And I hit that
with a bent club.
So you're not worried
about getting in trouble?
You know, with god?
Oh, I think he's got
bigger things on his plate.
So you're not worried
about hell?
Let me let you in
on a little secret, kid.
There is no hell.
Seriously?
No hell?
That's fantastic!
So everyone
just goes to heaven?
Yep. End of story.
Even bad people?
Yeah, they're -- they're --
they're another section, see?
They got this thing
figured out.
Can I hit this?
Damn it.
You dicted me.
I didn't say anything!
I could hear you
thinking.
I'm thinking
about this heaven of yours
That's full
of bad people.
Not full.
The tiniest fraction.
They're walled in.
What if they break out?
They're surrounded by a lake
of fire.
They are fiery lakes
in heaven?
This is turning
into hell.
Tell me about it.
What are you doing?!
Well, you promised pepper
broken dishes, so...
I'm breaking dishes.
No! Not my frog!
I know you think it's tacky,
But I happen to have won this
at my first 4-h summer camp
In a hollerin' contest.
Well, we wouldn't
have to break anything
If you were
a better liar.
If you're trying
to make me feel bad
About not being
as good a liar as you --
What are you doing?
A hat rack fell through
the window, remember?
One...Two...Three!
[ glass shatters ]
Mitchell, wait!
[ glass shattering ]
I-I-I can't do this.
I quit.
You might be comfortable
with all this lying,
But I'm not.
Oh, please.
Where was all this conscience
When I got us into
the first-class lounge
At the airport and you chewed
angela lansbury's ear off.
You know what you are?
You're like a mob wife.
You look down at me
and my ways,
But you're happy to wear
the mink coat
That fell off the back
of the truck!
[ doorbell rings ]
How dare you?
[ sighs ]
[ gasps ]
I know.
I know.
It reallyhit us bad.
No.
I'm just always surprised
how small this place is.
Cameron: Pepper, you didn't
have to leave your party
To come check on us.
Great costume,
by the way.
This isn't my costume.
I just threw this on
to help you clean up.
Well, about your party...
Oh, don't worry
about canceling.
At least
you have an excuse.
Unlike steven and stefan.
They said they had the flu.
Meantime, I just saw them out
riding their bicycle.
Oh, pepper,
that is horrible.
I-I'm gonna make you
a cocktail.
Oh, honey.
Don't go to any trouble.
I'll just have
a kir royale.
I mean, my god, if they didn't
want to come to my party,
Just say it.
I'm a big boy.
I can take it.
Well, since you
brought it up, pepper...
We didn't want to come
to your party, either.
What?
Well,
you know we love you,
But they've just
gotten to be so much work
Over the years, and...
[ sighs ]
we're all out of cassis.
[ sobbing ]
I can't bear it!
I will make you
a bellini.
[ sobs ]
Everybody
canceled on me!
And now you two!
For 15 years,
I have killed myself
setting a community standard
With my fanciful
themed brunches
Mounted at great
personal expense.
Well, clearly,
I've been a fool.
No one likes your brunches,
pepper.
No one likes you.
You're gonna die alone!
In a quaint spanish revival
outside of palm springs...
Or la quinta.
[ sobbing ]
Yeah.
I told him.
Yeah. Yeah,
I puzzled that out.
[ sobbing continues ]
I just don't understand
this bad section of heaven.
What if they send you
to the wrong place?
They make mistakes
with paperwork sometimes.
I was put in a girls'
health class last year
An had to watch
a very disturbing movie.
Calm down.
Instead of thinking
all morning
About what heaven's
gonna look like,
What it's not gonna look like,
who's where,
If there even is a heaven,
Why don't we
just concentrate
On this beautiful,
carefree day
That's in front of us?
I'd rather concentrate on
something you just said.
There might not
even be a heaven?
I don't know!
You seemed pretty sure
of yourself this morning.
So what happens
after you die?
There's just nothing?
Look, you're focusing
too much
On one little thing
that I said.
It was just a hunch,
okay?
A hunch?
I'm skipping church
based on a hunch?!
[ wheezes loudly ]
All right, don't freak out
on me here, kid.
You're playing pretty
fast and loose with my soul.
Listen. I want you to forget
everything that I said, okay?
Some things can't be
forgotten, jay.
Do you know
what *** is?
Because I do.
[ wheezing continues ]
Perfect.
Hey!
W-what are you doing?
Aren't you supposed to be
getting mom out of the bathroom?
That is what I was doing.
That is what I was doing.
This c-- this cabinet...
Was the problem.
How?
Yeah. It's very heavy,
And because it was
properly anchored to the wall,
There's sort of
a ripple effect.
It was...
Pulling part
of the floor down...
And then pushing
part of the floor up,
Using
the bathroom door --
Please don't tell on me.
[ crying ] I don't know
who I am anymore!
Who am I?!
I'm a joke!
That's who.
No
no.
You're not a joke.
You're pepper saltzman.
I think
I better just go.
If anything terrible
should happen,
Don't feel an obligation
to attend my memorial.
New york or l.A.
Pepper?
Pepper, you -- you didn't
let me finish.
The reason we didn't want
to come to your party is...
Mitchell?
Seriously?
Who's a mob wife?
[ quietly ] I'm a mob wife.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you.
[ sighs ]
I'm a mob wife.
Okay, um...Pepper,
This is a little
embarrassing.
I don't even
want to hear it.
Cameron still has feelings
for you.
Go on.
Yeah, and it's just --
it's very hard for him
To be around you,
especially at your...
Magical brunches
where you're just --
You're -- you're so...
Magnetic.
And then I see the way
that he looks at you, and...
Damn it, pe--
it just makes me so mad
That I could just...
Ohh!
[ exhales sharply ]
really?
Yeah, oh, you don't know
the pain, cam!
Pepper: Ohh, boys!
Boys, I can't stand
that I'm coming between you!
Not that
I'm rprised.
[ sighs ]
I admit I have noticed
the stolen glances
And the yearning
in your eyes.
Okay. Well,
y-you'll forgive us, pepper,
If we sit out
your next few brunches?
Absolutely.
[ sighs ]
I would hate
to lose you two.
I've always thought of you
as being like my [sighs]
Sons? Sons?
"sons"?
I was gonna say
"brothers."
[ scoffs ]
[ sobbing ]
it's like a house of pain!
[ sobbing ]
All right, claire.
Okay, ready?
You ready?
I'm ready.
All right, on "go."
okay, go.
All right? Go!
Okay, go!
[ crunching ]
go! Go!
Claire!
Oh, god, I got it!
Ohh! It's moving!
It did it!
All right!
We got it.
Oh!
Thank god!
Go.
Oh, thank god.
Thank god. Thank god.
Phil?
[ sighs ]
Phil?
Honey --
phil, where are you?
Phil...
[ thudding ]
Are you kidding me?!
Not the -- phil!
[ stomping ]
phil!
Hey!
What happened to you?
You disappeared for 20 minutes.
We just had to break ourselves
out of that bathroom.
I am so happy to see you.
Get in here.
Oh, no. No, no.
Seriously.
What happened?
Dad was incredible!
He was running around here
turning the gas line,
Cleaning up broken glass,
And taking care of luke
after he ran into a wall.
What?
I got scared because the cabinet
didn't fall down.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Um...
Ohh. I'm sorry.
Well,
don't worry about it.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh...
I was so nervous.
[ chuckles ]
I freaked out.
[ chuckles ] it's all right.
It's all right.
I think it was a little bit
of a rough morning.
Yes.
Wasn't it?
Yes, it was.
I don't know
about you guys,
But I just want to relax
and put my feet up.
[ clears throat ]
At the museum of tolerance.
Who's in?
I am!
You are. Okay.
Let's do it.
Jay: There's nothing mystical
about an earthquake.
Pressure builds,
and it's released.
And you just hope
there's not too much damage.
But it makes you realize
what matters.
And for me,
that's my family.
I'll put in a good word
for you.
You're the best, kid.
My family and golf.
[ laughs ]
What do you walk on?
Ay, manny, don't be ridiculous.
The clouds.
That makes no sense.
Clouds are air.
You'd fall
right through them.
The clouds in heaven --
they're like trampolines.
Mm, I don't like
trampolines.
They make me seasick.
Manny, stop worrying.
Heaven is
a beautiful place
With sunshine and rainbows
and butterflies.
Butterflies?!
Ay, no, no, no, no.
Ahh!
Aah!
I didn't say butterflies!
Manny, there's no butterflies!