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( explosion )
narrator: RIGHT NOW--
mock commentator: OH, NO !
truTV presents
"World's Dumbest Criminals."
EXAMPLES OF THE DIRTIEST--
( retching and coughing )
DAMPEST...
AND DIMMEST CRIMINALS
YOU WILL EVER SEE.
( screaming )
ALL CAUGHT LIVE ON TAPE.
mock commentator: OOH.
narrator: FEATURING THE
EXPERTISE OF OUR CELEBRITY CAST.
Danny: THE WAY YOU CAN USUALLY
TELL IF A PERSON IS STILL
ACTIVELY ON DRUGS IS THEY'LL
PROBABLY BE WEARING A HAT,
AND, LIKE, AN ASCOT,
AND A BEARD.
It's truTV Presents
"World's Dumbest Criminals."
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
THIS CONVENIENCE STORE
IN ARVADA, COLORADO,
HASN'T YET OPENED FOR THE DAY.
mock commentator: WHAT'S UP ?
YOU OPEN ?
narrator: BUT THESE TWO
CUSTOMERS SEEM EAGER TO GET IN.
mock commentator: YO, BABY,
JUST LET ME GET IN
AND GET SOME SMOKES, MAN.
I NEED SMOKES NOW,
NOT IN 20 MINUTES.
woman: WE'RE NOT OPEN.
narrator: THEY'RE UNABLE
TO CHARM THE CLERK,
BUT MOMENTS LATER,
THEY RETURN--
mock commentator: YEAH, YOU'RE
OPEN NOW, RIGHT ?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GET OVER HERE
AND OPEN THE REGISTER.
COQqQqQq:ñ:ñG x x ME HERE !
narrator: WITH A VENGEANCE
AND WITH SOME
VERY SPECIAL MASKS ON.
Judy: A THONG ?
mock commentator: WHAT'S UP ?
GIVE US THE MONEY.
WHAT'S UP ?
Danny: DID YOU SEE
THOSE THONGS ?
THEY WERE SMALL.
THE OWNERS OF THOSE THONGS
WERE PROBABLY QUITE ATTRACTIVE
WITH VERY NICE DERRIèRES.
Ali: YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER SEEN A PAIR OF THONGS
USED IN THAT WAY BEFORE.
I HOPE THEY WERE CLEAN.
mock commentator: MM, YEAH.
Brad: IF YOU ROBBED ME
WITH A THONG ON YOUR HEAD,
I COULDN'T EVEN
TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.
"I'VE GOT A GUN TO YOUR HEAD--"
AND YOU'VE GOT A THONG
ON YOUR HEAD.
Leif: THONGS DON'T COVER A LOT
WHEN THEY'RE WORN PROPERLY,
AND WHEN THEY'RE NOT
WORN PROPERLY,
THEY COVER EVEN LESS.
Bryan: NEXT TIME YOU
THROW UNDERWEAR ON,
MAKE 'EM THE FLAT BACK,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?
'CAUSE I CAN SEE YOUR FACE,
***.
Chuck: I'LL TELL YOU THIS MUCH:
THEY'D MAKE A GREAT MASK
FOR A WRESTLER.
MUCHA LUCHA !
( cheering )
mock commentator: SIT DOWN.
FILL UP THE BAG RIGHT NOW !
LET'S GO, LET'S GO !
Todd: NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE
A THONG, DUDE HAD A PINK BAG.
SO HE HAD A PINK BAG
WITH A THONG.
WOW, MAN.
I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
Brad: I ALWAYS LIKE TO GO TO
A CRIME
WITH A HELLO KITTY BACKPACK.
I FIND IT PUTS PEOPLE AT EASE,
A LITTLE WHIMSY.
LIGHTENS THE MOOD.
mock commentator: LET'S GO,
LET'S GO.
narrator: THE MEN ESCAPE
WITH CASH AND CIGARETTES.
mock commentator: LET'S GET
OUTTA HERE.
I NEED A SMOKE, MAN.
narrator: BUT AFTER A VIDEO
OF THEIR HEIST
IS BROADCAST ON THE LOCAL NEWS,
THE THONG THIEVES DECIDE
TO TURN THEMSELVES IN.
mock commentator: OH, MAN.
narrator: 1:00 A.M., AND THIS
FLORIDA STATE POLICE OFFICER
IS INVESTIGATING
A PARKED VEHICLE.
Chuck: WHEN IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT,
1:00 IN THE MORNING,
YOU GOT A COOLER IN YOUR CAR,
CHANCES ARE IT'S GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED CERVEZAS.
narrator: SUSPECTING THE MAN
IS INTOXICATED,
THE OFFICER CUFFS HIM
AND CONTINUES HIS QUESTIONING.
Todd: THE GUY PASSED OUT
STANDING UP.
Judy: WHO FALLS ASLEEP
STANDING UP
AND PEES ON THEMSELVES ?
Bryan: MAN CAN'T JUST STAND
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,
TAKE A STANDING NAP,
AND *** HIS PANTS ?
( snoring )
Judy: ( snoring )
Leif: ( yawning )
Todd: GONE.
OUT COLD, ASLEEP !
narrator: THE NOCTURNAL EMITTER
WAS DRIED OFF AND BUSTED.
Danny: ON THE STREET,
HE'S A BUM,
BUT AT A GOOD FRAT PARTY,
WETTING YOURSELF
AND SLEEP STANDING UP ?
mock commentator: WHOA, DUDE !
Danny: YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP
WITH SOME THINGS DRAWN ON YOU
WITH SHARPIE, BUT PROBABLY,
A CROWN 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE KING.
narrator: WOMEN AND CHOCOLATE.
mock commentator: MMM !
narrator: IT IS A LOVE AFFAIR,
BUT IN ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND,
A WOMAN TAKES HER LOVE
OF CHOCOLATE TO AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT LEVEL...
( glass breaking )
BY BREAKING INTO
UNCLE BOB'S FUDGE KITCHEN
AND STEALING--
mock commentator: MM, FUDGE !
narrator: WELL, PRETTY MUCH
THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO STEAL
AT UNCLE BOB'S FUDGE KITCHEN.
mock commentator: ROCKY ROAD,
WHITE CHOCOLATE,
CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIE DOUGH.
Loni: WHAT THE FUDGE
IS GOING ON HERE ?
mock commentator: OOH, MILK
CHOCOLATE, CARAMEL, PRALINES.
Judy: SHE MUST'VE HAD
THE WORST MUNCHIES EVER.
mock commentator: MM, COFFEE
TOFFEE CRUNCH.
Leif: STUFFING FUDGE EVERYWHERE.
mock commentator: DELICIOUS--
LIKE SWEET HEAVEN ON BREAD.
Judy: TALK ABOUT A FUDGE PACK.
( laughing )
mock commentator: MORE WHITE
VANILLA CHOCOLATE
WITH HAZELNUT PRALINE.
Leif: AND THEN SHE FALLS DOWN
A COUPLE OF TIMES,
'CAUSE SHE'S SO LADEN
WITH FUDGE.
( laughing )
mock commentator: OOH,
I'M HAVING A FUDGE-GASM.
narrator: AFTER STUFFING
HER FACE AND POCKETS
WITH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS
WORTH OF FUDGE,
THE WOMAN HEADS TO
A NEARBY HOTEL
AND REQUESTS A ROOM.
mock commentator: I'D LIKE
A ROOM, PLEASE.
Chuck: OKAY.
YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR NOW,
UNTIL WE CALL THE POLICE
AND TELL THEM THERE'S
SOME CRAZY ***
WITH A POCKET FULL OF CHOCOLATE
IN OUR LOBBY.
Judy: IMAGINE BEING THE COP.
THAT'S LIKE,
"EW, WHAT IS THAT
"IN YOUR--
"( sniffing )
MMM !"
officer: SHE HAD SO MUCH,
IT WAS ACTUALLY SPILLING OUT
OF HER POCKETS.
WHEN SHE'D MOVE,
SOME OF IT WOULD FALL OUT.
HER SHIRT WAS ALL STAINED
WITH FRESH FUDGE.
narrator: THE FUDGE FELON
WAS PROMPTLY PACKED OFF
TO THE POKEY.
mock commentator: FUDGE.
Loni: THAT SWEET TOOTH
CAN BE A MOTHER.
mock commentator: MMM, MMM.
narrator: COMING UP,
DIGNITY TAKES A HOLIDAY.
man: ( screaming )
narrator: THEN
A REALLY NICE DRUG BUST.
mock commentator: LOOKY HERE.
narrator: AND LATER, OLD FOLKS
AND LOOSE STOOLS
IN FLORIDA.
mock commentator: HOW'D YOU LIKE
SOME STOOL ?
narrator: PLUS, MORE
LIFE LESSONS
FROM OUR CELEBRITY CAST.
Leif: IF IT DOESN'T PUSH OUT,
WHAT DOES IT DO, PEOPLE ?
all: PULL !
Leif: PULL, THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
when "World's Dumbest Criminals"
continues.
narrator: THIS OHIO DRIVER
HAS JUST FAILED
HIS FIELD SOBRIETY TEST.
BUT HE'S NOT GOING QUIETLY.
THE PERP MANAGES TO ESCAPE
ON FOOT,
BUT JUST A FEW MINUTES LATER,
HE'S BACK.
Loni: OH, I FORGOT MY CAR.
DUH !
Leif: YEAH, YOU KNOW.
IF YOU GET AWAY,
STAY AWAY !
man: ( screaming )
Loni: IS THIS A SCENE FROM
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ?
( slow motion screaming )
Judy: THIS WAS MY FAVORITE,
YOU KNOW, FROM LOST IN SPACE.
OR MARCEL MARCEAU.
Chuck: ( screaming )
OH... DON'T !
Chuck: ( screaming )
Todd: ( moaning ) AH !
Bryan: THAT'S THE SOUND YOU MAKE
WHEN YOU GET MACED IN YOUR EYES.
narrator: ARRESTED AND CHARGED
WITH ASSAULTING AN OFFICER,
THE MACED MANIAC
IS FINALLY SUBDUED.
Chuck: IF YOU'RE EVER IN
A SLAP FIGHT WITH MACE,
CHANCES ARE, YOU'RE GONNA LOSE.
OKAY ?
man: ( screaming )
mock commentator: NOTHING
GOING ON THERE.
narrator: THE JOB OF
A DEPARTMENT STORE
SECURITY CAMERA OPERATOR
CAN BE BORING AND REPETITIVE.
mock commentator: DAMN.
THERE'S NOTHING TO LOOK AT.
OH, OOH.
narrator: BUT EVERY SO OFTEN,
IT PAYS TO KEEP A FIRM HAND
ON THE JOYSTICK.
mock commentator: LOOKY HERE.
Brad: IT'S THE JUGS CAM.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR CRIMINALS
AND GOOD JUGS.
man: THAT CAMERA IS HEADING
RIGHT FOR THAT LADY'S CLEAVAGE,
AND IT DOESN'T MOVE.
AND WE NEVER GET AWAY FROM IT,
THANK GOODNESS.
narrator: BUT TO HIS CREDIT,
THIS EYE IN THE SKY
MAY HAVE HIS MIND ON
A DIFFERENT KIND OF BUST.
Brad: WHO PAYS WITH A CHECK ?
THAT'S YOUR FIRST CLUE
THAT THIS WOMAN IS A CRIMINAL.
IT IS NOT 1984.
narrator: AND MODERN TECHNOLOGY
ADDS SOME ADDITIONAL BOUNCE
TO THE PROCEEDINGS.
mock commentator: SORRY, MA'AM,
THE COMPUTER SAYS
THIS CHECKING ACCOUNT IS CLOSED.
mock commentator: WHAT ?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
THAT'S SO WEIRD.
OKAY, BYE.
Tonya: SHE TAKES THE CHECK
FROM HER AND WALKS BACK OUT.
SHE FORGOT HER PURSE
IN THE CART.
narrator: WHEN STORE SECURITY
GOES THROUGH THE PURSE
TO FIND I.D.,
THEY ALSO FIND
SOMETHING ELSE:
Bryan: *** ?
IS THIS A PURSE FULL OF *** ?
I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING
FISHY ABOUT THAT GIRL.
OH, WELL, I GUESS I'LL CALL
THE COPS.
Tonya: A FEW MINUTES LATER,
SHE COMES BACK IN.
Loni: EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME,
I LEFT MY ***--
I MEAN, MY PURSE.
Todd: WERE YOU THAT HIGH ?
'CAUSE SEE, I'VE NEVER
LEFT DRUGS.
THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL
I WOULD'VE LEFT
MY DRUGS BEHIND LIKE THAT.
Tonya: THEN SHE ENDS UP
GETTING ARRESTED.
Brad: CRIMINALS,
STOP COMING BACK.
DON'T COME BACK
WITH YOUR RECEIPT AND BE LIKE,
"YOU OVERCHARGED ME 37 CENTS
"FOR MY FEBREZE.
WHY AM I IN HANDCUFFS ?"
Danny: I'VE NEVER SEEN
A *** HEAD
WITH SUCH A NICE BUST BEFORE.
THAT WAS A NICE RACK.
THE WAY YOU CAN USUALLY TELL
THAT A PERSON IS STILL ACTIVELY
ON DRUGS IS THEY'LL PROBABLY BE
WEARING, LIKE, A HAT
AND, LIKE, AN ASCOT
AND A BEARD
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
THAT GUY'S OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS.
narrator: THE ***
CHECK BOUNCER WAS CHARGED
WITH FRAUD AND POSSESSION,
AND THE SECURITY CAMERA DUDE
EDGED OUT THE CLERK
FOR EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.
mock commentator: OH, WELL.
AISLE TWO, AISLE THREE,
AISLE FOUR,
AISLE FIVE.
narrator: A DANGEROUS INTRUDER
ENTERS THIS CONVENIENCE STORE
IN WASHINGTON STATE
AND HEADS FOR THE COUNTER.
mock commentator: THIS IS
A STICKUP, FOOL !
MOVE.
narrator: ARMED WITH
A HIGH-CALIBER WEAPON,
HE FORCES THE TERRIFIED CLERK
TO HAND OVER CASH.
mock commentator: GIMME
THE MONEY, MAN.
narrator: BUT ON THE WAY OUT...
HE DISPLAYS SOME
LOW-CALIBER
Loni: OOH, HE FELL.
THEY DON'T HAVE WORKER'S COMP
FOR CRIMINALS.
Todd
AND WHOOP,
AND HITS THE GROUND, BAM !
THE GUN FALLS IN FRONT OF HIM,
HE GETS UP AND FIRES
YOU'RE, LIKE, DUDE, YOU ALREADY
EMBARRASSED YOURSELF.
YOU LOOK LIKE AN ***
TRYING TO ROB SOMEBODY.
( crashing )
( gunshots )oíoí
Tonya: I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS MAN
WOULD BE SHOOTING HIS GUN.
WHAT ?
HE COULDN'T SPoíoíEAK,
AND HE WAS SAYING, OKAY FOR
TWO SHOTS OR SOMETHING ?
I DON'T KNOW.
AND HE CAN'T FIGURE OUT
HOW TO OPEN IT.
mock commentator
LOCKED !
WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN ?
Leif: QUICK, GET OUT !
( grunting )
Tonya: HOW DID HE COME IN
THE DOOR ?
DID HE PUSH IT,
OR DID HE PULL IT ?
Leif: IF IT DOESN'T PUSH OUT,
WHAT DOES IT DO, PEOPLE ?
all: PULL !
Leif: PULL, THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
commentator: GET BACK, oíoíoío.
Loni: WHAT IS HE POINTING
THE GUN FOR ?
THERE'S NOBODY CHASING YOU.
JUST LEAVE.
mock commentator: GET BACK !
Chuck: NOT SINCE GEORGE W. BUSH
WAS IN JAPAN
HAVE I SEEN A MORE AWKWARD EXIT.
( laughing )
George: I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE.
narrator: CHARLES RAY FULLER
NEEDS MONEY TO START
HIS OWN RECORD COMPANY,
SO HE COMES UP WITH A PLAN.
mock commentator: LIVING LARGE,
MAKING RECORDS.
narrator: STEAL A CHECK
FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER,
WALK INTO A BANK,
AND CASH IT.
Loni: THIS GUY STEALS A CHECK
AND THEN WRITES IT
FOR 360 BILLION.
Todd: WHAT WAS HE THINKING ?
Chuck: HE ACTUALLY FORGED
A CHECK
WORTH MORE THAN OPRAH WINFREY.
( laughing )
WHAT A *** !
Danny: WHAT DOES
THAT GUY THINK ?
THEY GOT $360 BILLION SITTING
AT THE BANK ?
DID HE THINK IT WOULD FIT
IN HIS POCKETS ?
Todd: I WANT IT IN SMALL BILLS,
AND TELL YOU WHAT--
GIVE IT TO ME IN TENS
AND TWENTIES AND FIVES.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
THANK YOU, DAWG.
I'LL WAIT ON YOU, DAWG.
I'M WAITING ON YOU.
Wendi: AND THEY WERE JUST ABOUT
TO STAMP THE CHECK,
WHEN THEY SAW, IN THE MEMO LINE,
IT SAID, "RENT."
mock commentator: HUH ?
Brad: $360 BILLION FOR RENT.
WHAT ARE YOU RENTING,
THE EARTH ?
woman: I WOULDN'T BE
SITTING HERE !
I'D BE SITTING SOMEWHERE
DRINKING MARGARITAS.
Bryan: THAT'S WHAT YOU DO
WITH $360 BILLION ?
YOU'D SIT AROUND
SIPPING MARGARITAS ?
woman: IT'S 5:00
SOMEWHERE SOMETIME.
( laughing )
Loni: LOOK AT HIS
GIRLFRIEND'S MAMA.
DOES SHE HAVE $36 IN THE BANK ?
woman: ( laughing )
Loni: DOES SHE EVEN HAVE
A BANK ACCOUNT ?
narrator: WHEN POLICE PICK UP
THE ASPIRING MUSIC MOGUL
FOR SUSPICION OF FORGERY,
THEY ALSO FIND A FIREARM
AND SOME DRUGS.
Michael: THREE-TIME LOSER,
YOU KNOW ?
FORGING A CHECK FOR A NUMBER
THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST
EXCEPT IN THE NATIONAL DEBT,
AND, YOU KNOW,
HAVE SOME DRUGS ON YOU
AND HAVE A FIREARM.
BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT.
Todd: WHEN THE POLICE GET YOU,
YOU NEED AN *** KICKING FOR
EVEN BEING SO STUPID TO THINK
YOU'RE GONNA CASH
A $360 BILLION CHECK.
YOU AIN'T CASHING THAT.
AND YOU WOULDN'T BE TRYING
TO CASH IT.
YOU WOULD BE TRYING JUST TO
DEPOSIT IT, YOU DUMMY.
mock commentator: AW, IT'S COOL.
narrator: COMING UP,
WHEN THEY SAY THIS:
man: HE WENT HOPPING OUT
INTO THE PARING LOT
INTO HIS VAN
WEARING NOTHING BUT HIS BOXERS.
narrator: YOU ARE A FAILURE.
mock commentator: ( laughing )
narrator: AND LATER,
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
mock commentator: ( laughing )
YES !
narrator: WHEN THE SMOKING GUN'S
when "World's Dumbest Criminals"
continues.
narrator: O'REILLY AUTO PARTS
STORE IN KANSAS CITY.
WHILE AN EMPLOYEE HELPS
A CUSTOMER...
mock commentator: YOU GOT
A SAND BELT FOR A '72 GREMLIN ?
narrator: ...A THIRD MAN ENTERS
THE FRAME
AND HELPS HIMSELF TO 50 BUCKS
FROM THE STORE'S OPEN SAFE.
mock commentator: LOOKY HERE.
HEY !
narrator: A BRIEF STRUGGLE
ENSUES--
mock commentator: AW, MAN.
GET OFF ME, MAN.
narrator: AND THE CLERK GETS
A LEG UP IN THE BATTLE...
( popping noise )
LITERALLY.
mock commentator: YOU FORGOT
SOMETHING !
man: THE LEG POPPED OFF,
HIS PANTS CAME DOWN.
HE WENT HOPPING OUT INTO
THE PARKING LOT INTO HIS VAN
WEARING NOTHING BUT HIS BOXERS,
WITH ONLY ONE LEG.
Chuck: AWESOME !
HE'S THE GECKO BANDIT.
( crickets chirping )
YOU EVER CATCH A GECKO ?
TAIL COMES OFF.
Judy: CAN YOU IMAGINE
WRESTLING A GUY
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
HIS LEG COMES OFF ?
I MEAN, COME ON.
THAT IS AWESOME.
Tom: THAT WOULD FREAK ME OUT,
THOUGH, IF I STOOD UP, AND THIS
GUY'S LEG IS IN MY HANDS.
narrator: A CUSTOM-FABRICATED
PROSTHESIS CAN COST MORE THAN
$20,000,
AND AT PRICES LIKE THOSE,
SERIAL NUMBERS COME STANDARD,
SO COPS SIMPLY RAN DOWN
THE NUMBERS
AND RAN DOWN THE HOBBLED ROBBER.
Todd: YOU JUST TRADED $50
FOR A $5,000 PROSTHETIC LEG ?
BOY, THAT WAS A GOOD TRADE,
WASN'T IT ?
YOU ***,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
Loni: YOU KNOW HOW THEY KNEW
IT WAS A BLACK GUY ?
THE LITTLE BROWN PART
ON TOP OF THE LEG.
SEE, IT SHOULD'VE BEEN WHITE.
HE COULD'VE FOOLED 'EM.
Brad: SEE, THIS IS
WHAT HAPPENED.
HEATHER MILLS DANCED
WITH ONE LEG
ON DANCING WITH THE STARS,
AND NOW THESE ONE-LEGGED PEOPLE
ARE GETTING ALL UPPITY,
THINKING THEY CAN JUST
GO OUT AND DO ANYTHING.
mock commentator: AW, MAN.
GET OFF ME, MAN.
Brad: I CAN RUN A MARATHON.
I CAN ROB A STORE.
MM, MM, MM.
mock commentator: YOU FORGOT
SOMETHING !
A pç @
narrator: THIS MAN
HAS SOMEHOW OPENED
A SECURED GATE AT AN ARENA
IN GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN.
mock commentator: AW, JEEZ,
I HATE THIS PLACE.
narrator: TURNS OUT,
HE'S A FORMER EMPLOYEE
WHO'S COME TO STEAL SOMETHING
EXTREMELY VALUABLE...
mock commentator: I'LL SHOW THEM
AND SETTLE THE SCORE GOOD.
narrator: A NICE, BIG
A.T.M. MACHINE.
mock commentator: JUST LIKE
THAT.
Brad: DON'T YOU THINK
A COP IS GONNA NOTICE YOU
DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD
WITH AN A.T.M. IN THE BACK
OF YOUR CAR ?
JUST LIKE,
"HEY, WHERE YOU GOING ?"
"JUST GOING HOME
"WITH MY A.T.M.
I TRAVEL EVERYWHERE WITH IT."
( grunting )
( laughing )
Loni: SO THIS GUY PUTS
ONE A.T.M. IN HIS TRUCK,
AND HE'S GONNA BE GREEDY.
"I'LL PUT ANOTHER ONE."
Todd: DUDE, ARE YOU NOT SMART ?
YOU GOT A SMALL CAR, DUMMY.
Chuck: THIS IS A GUY WHO'S
CLEARLY SPATIALLY CHALLENGED.
mock commentator: YES, A LITTLE
NUDGE THERE, YEAH.
Chuck: HMM, LET ME SEE IF I CAN
PUT IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
mock commentator: WHAT THE ?
DARN IT.
Brad: WE ALL KNOW THAT
ONE A.T.M.
WILL FIT IN A STATION WAGON,
BUT IF YOU WANT TWO,
WHEN YOU BUY THE WAGON,
YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR
THE EXTRA A.T.M. ROOF RACK.
Leif: YOU'RE AN IDIOT, OKAY ?
BRING A TRUCK.
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.
mock commentator: AW,
GEE WHILLIKERS.
AW, FORGET IT.
narrator: THE FORK-LIFTING FELON
LEFT WITH ONLY ONE A.T.M.
AND WAS SOON PICKED UP
AFTER BEING EASILY I.D.ed
ON SURVEILLANCE
BY FORMER COLLEAGUES.
Todd: SMILE, YOU'RE ON
CANDID CAMERA, ( bleep ).
THEY GOT YOUR LICENSE PLATE,
THEY GOT YOUR FACE.
YOU DESERVE TO BE ARRESTED,
'CAUSE YOU'RE DUMB !
wóue2÷>ñ
man: IS ANYONE COMING ?
narrator: IN THE SUBURBS
OF MOUNTAIN TOP, PENNSYLVANIA,
A GROUP OF TEENAGERS
HAVE A VIDEO CAMERA.
man: DO IT, DO IT !
narrator: AND THEY'RE BORED.
mock commentator: ( laughing )
YEAH, DUDE !
Brad: I SET SOMETHING ON FIRE.
IT WENT BOOM.
Judy: I MEAN, HOW... WHAT ?
READ A BOOK !
PLAY A VIDEO GAME.
narrator: BUT DESTROYING
PRIVATE PROPERTY
ISN'T ENTERTAINING ENOUGH
FOR THESE BOYS,
SO ONE DAY,
THEY GO TO A WOODED BIKE TRAIL,
AND USING CONCEALED
TREE BRANCHES,
SET UP A *** TRAP
DESIGNED TO TRIP UP
PASSING CYCLISTS.
THEN THEY HIDE THEIR CAMERA
IN NEARBY WOODS...
BUT IT DOESN'T GO QUITE
AS PLANNED.
Todd: MOM IS LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT IS THIS ?
THERE'S A CAMERA THERE !"
Judy: THEY PROBABLY PLANTED
THE CAMERA, RAN AWAY,
AND WERE WAITING,
AND THEN COULDN'T WAIT
TO GO BACK
AND SEE THE WHOLE
KID CRACK HIS HEAD OPEN,
BUT INSTEAD, THEY HAD THE WOMAN
IN HER MOM JEANS LIKE,
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ?"
narrator: THE MOM NOT ONLY
FOILS THEIR *** TRAP,
SHE ALSO WATCHES THE TAPE
IN THE CAMERA.
Loni: "OH, MY GOD !
"THEY'RE DESTRUCTING
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD !"
narrator: WHEN SHE TURNS
THE TAPE IN TO THE POLICE,
THE GANG OF HOOLIGANS
ARE ARRESTED.
Jami: IF YOU'RE GONNA
COMMIT A CRIME,
DON'T VIDEOTAPE YOURSELF.
ARSON, A FELONY ?
DON'T VIDEOTAPE YOURSELF.
Leif: IT'S CALLED EVIDENCE.
IT'S CALLED...
EVIDENCE !
YOU'RE BUSTED.
narrator: AN ARMED ROBBER
HOLDS UP A GAS STATION
IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA.
THE FACT THAT HE'S CLEARLY
ON CAMERA DOESN'T SEEM
TO BOTHER THIS CRIMINAL.
Leif: THIS IS WHAT
YOU SHOULD TEACH ALL OF YOUR
EMPLOYEES NO MATTER WHAT.
Loni: NO ENGLISH.
Leif: HUH ? QUé ?
JUST PLAY DUMB !
Bryan: VERY GOOD DECOY,
BY THE WAY.
ALWAYS PRETEND YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S SAYING.
narrator: THE FRUSTRATED FELON
FINALLY GIVES UP
TRYING TO COMMUNICATE.
Loni: HE SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM,
"I'LL TEACH YOU ENGLISH,
"AND YOU TEACH ME HOW TO
WORK THE REGISTER."
Loni: HOW ABOUT HITTING
THE KEY THAT SAYS "OPEN."
OPEN.
Chuck: YOU CAN'T SCOLD PEOPLE
INTO ROBBING THEM !
LIKE YOU'RE GETTING ROBBED
BY YOUR MOTHER.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MISTER ?
I'M LETTING YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW,
SORRY DOESN'T WALK THE DOG.
GIVE ME THAT CASH REGISTER !
narrator: AFTER RINGING UP
MOST OF THE ITEMS IN THE STORE,
THE DISCONTENTED DUNCE
FINALLY SETTLES FOR TAKING
THE ENTIRE REGISTER
BUT LEAVES HIS IMAGE BEHIND,
MAKING IT PRETTY EASY FOR
AUTHORITIES TO TRACK HIM DOWN
AND CHARGE HIM
WITH ARMED ROBBERY.
Michael: THE GUY COULD HAVE
JUST TAKEN THE CASH DRAWER
RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING,
BUT HE'S NOT ONE OF
THE DUMBEST CRIMINALS
FOR NOTHING.
narrator: COMING UP,
TWO ALL-BEEF PATTIES
AND SOME VERY SPECIAL SAUCE.
AND THIS CAT SERIOUSLY
NEEDS YOUR HELP.
( meowing )
PLUS, MORE HELPFUL ADVICE
FROM OUR CELEBRITY CAST.
Brad: IF YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY,
DON'T GIVE IT BACK.
narrator: WHEN THE SMOKING GUN'S
when "World's Dumbest Criminals"
continues.
narrator: IN HARTFORD,
CONNECTICUT,
POLICE PULL OVER A VEHICLE
FOR RUNNING A RED LIGHT.
Todd: POLICE PULLED THEM OVER,
THEY GO...
WHAT'S THAT SMELL ?
narrator: A SEARCH OF
THE CAR'S INTERIOR REVEALS ONLY
THE DRIVER
AND THE EASTER BUNNY--
AN EASTER BUNNY
STUFFED WITH MARIJUANA.
Loni: NO WONDER IT HAS
A SMILE ON ITS FACE.
Todd: THAT EASTER BUNNY
WAS LIKE--
Brad: THAT IS NOT WHAT
YOUR GRANDMA EXPECTED YOU TO DO
WITH YOUR EASTER PRESENT.
THAT IS A DAMN, DAMN SHAME.
Loni: YOU THINK THIS WAS BAD ?
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN WHAT HE PUT
IN THE STUFFED SANTA CLAUS.
mock commentator: HO, HO, HO.
Judy: IF YOU HAVE DRUGS
IN YOUR CAR,
YOU WANT TO OBEY
ALL THE TRAFFIC RULES,
BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T
GET CAUGHT
WITH THE DRUGS IN YOUR CAR.
Brad: SMUGGLING MEANS HIDE THEM.
PUT THEM AWAY !
narrator: THE EASTER BUNNY
BAD BOY'S HOLIDAY PHOTO REVEALS
ATTIRE THAT JUST MAY HAVE
EGGED ON THE COPS.
Chuck: DO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU'RE GONNA FOOL THE POLICE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING
A DRUG EDUCATION T-SHIRT ?
WHAT IS THAT SMELL ?
IS THAT MARIJUANA I SMELL ?
WHY, NO, OFFICER.
I HAVE THE T-SHIRT TO PROVE IT.
Brad: YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST
BEEN IN YOUR MUG SHOT LIKE...
IDIOT.
Judy: SO I'M SAYING KEEP
YOUR POT CONTAINED,
OBEY TRAFFIC RULES,
AND EVERYONE IS GONNA BE HAPPY.
OKAY ?
HAPPY EASTER.
narrator: THESE TWO TEENAGERS
HAVE JUST TRIED TO MUG SOMEONE
IN DOWNTOWN SAN DIEGO.
mock commentator: LET'S GO !
COME ON !
COME ON, MAN, COME ON !
narrator: APPARENTLY CONCERNED
THAT THEY WERE SPOTTED,
THE BOYS SHED SOME CLOTHING.
mock commentator: GIMME THAT
BANDANA, GIMME THAT BANDANA.
TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF.
narrator: NOT ONLY
ARE THEY UNAWARE
THEY'RE ON SURVEILLANCE CAMERA,
THEY HAVE ALSO CHOSEN
TO DISROBE
IN FRONT OF A POLICE STATION.
( comedic music )
mock commentator: IT'S ALL
RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO ONE SEES US, MAN, IT'S COOL.
Leif: YOU'RE STUPID !
Brad: YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
FIRST CLUE IS ?
THERE ARE POLICE CARS
PARKED OUTSIDE.3
officer: WE HAVE SURVEILLANCE