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CHAPTER XXII
Mr. Rochester had given me but one week's leave of absence: yet a month elapsed
before I quitted Gateshead.
I wished to leave immediately after the funeral, but Georgiana entreated me to stay
till she could get off to London, whither she was now at last invited by her uncle,
Mr. Gibson, who had come down to direct his
sister's interment and settle the family affairs.
Georgiana said she dreaded being left alone with Eliza; from her she got neither
sympathy in her dejection, support in her fears, nor aid in her preparations; so I
bore with her feeble-minded wailings and
selfish lamentations as well as I could, and did my best in sewing for her and
packing her dresses.
It is true, that while I worked, she would idle; and I thought to myself, "If you and
I were destined to live always together, cousin, we would commence matters on a
different footing.
I should not settle tamely down into being the forbearing party; I should assign you
your share of labour, and compel you to accomplish it, or else it should be left
undone: I should insist, also, on your
keeping some of those drawling, half- insincere complaints hushed in your own
breast.
It is only because our connection happens to be very transitory, and comes at a
peculiarly mournful season, that I consent thus to render it so patient and compliant
on my part."
At last I saw Georgiana off; but now it was Eliza's turn to request me to stay another
week.
Her plans required all her time and attention, she said; she was about to
depart for some unknown bourne; and all day long she stayed in her own room, her door
bolted within, filling trunks, emptying
drawers, burning papers, and holding no communication with any one.
She wished me to look after the house, to see callers, and answer notes of
condolence.
One morning she told me I was at liberty. "And," she added, "I am obliged to you for
your valuable services and discreet conduct!
There is some difference between living with such an one as you and with Georgiana:
you perform your own part in life and burden no one.
To-morrow," she continued, "I set out for the Continent.
I shall take up my abode in a religious house near Lisle--a nunnery you would call
it; there I shall be quiet and unmolested.
I shall devote myself for a time to the examination of the Roman Catholic dogmas,
and to a careful study of the workings of their system: if I find it to be, as I half
suspect it is, the one best calculated to
ensure the doing of all things decently and in order, I shall embrace the tenets of
Rome and probably take the veil."
I neither expressed surprise at this resolution nor attempted to dissuade her
from it. "The vocation will fit you to a hair," I
thought: "much good may it do you!"
When we parted, she said: "Good-bye, cousin Jane Eyre; I wish you well: you have some
sense."
I then returned: "You are not without sense, cousin Eliza; but what you have, I
suppose, in another year will be walled up alive in a French convent.
However, it is not my business, and so it suits you, I don't much care."
"You are in the right," said she; and with these words we each went our separate way.
As I shall not have occasion to refer either to her or her sister again, I may as
well mention here, that Georgiana made an advantageous match with a wealthy worn-out
man of fashion, and that Eliza actually
took the veil, and is at this day superior of the convent where she passed the period
of her novitiate, and which she endowed with her fortune.
How people feel when they are returning home from an absence, long or short, I did
not know: I had never experienced the sensation.
I had known what it was to come back to Gateshead when a child after a long walk,
to be scolded for looking cold or gloomy; and later, what it was to come back from
church to Lowood, to long for a plenteous
meal and a good fire, and to be unable to get either.
Neither of these returnings was very pleasant or desirable: no magnet drew me to
a given point, increasing in its strength of attraction the nearer I came.
The return to Thornfield was yet to be tried.
My journey seemed tedious--very tedious: fifty miles one day, a night spent at an
inn; fifty miles the next day.
During the first twelve hours I thought of Mrs. Reed in her last moments; I saw her
disfigured and discoloured face, and heard her strangely altered voice.
I mused on the funeral day, the coffin, the hearse, the black train of tenants and
servants--few was the number of relatives-- the gaping vault, the silent church, the
solemn service.
Then I thought of Eliza and Georgiana; I beheld one the cynosure of a ball-room, the
other the inmate of a convent cell; and I dwelt on and analysed their separate
peculiarities of person and character.
The evening arrival at the great town of-- scattered these thoughts; night gave them
quite another turn: laid down on my traveller's bed, I left reminiscence for
anticipation.
I was going back to Thornfield: but how long was I to stay there?
Not long; of that I was sure.
I had heard from Mrs. Fairfax in the interim of my absence: the party at the
hall was dispersed; Mr. Rochester had left for London three weeks ago, but he was then
expected to return in a fortnight.
Mrs. Fairfax surmised that he was gone to make arrangements for his wedding, as he
had talked of purchasing a new carriage: she said the idea of his marrying Miss
Ingram still seemed strange to her; but
from what everybody said, and from what she had herself seen, she could no longer doubt
that the event would shortly take place. "You would be strangely incredulous if you
did doubt it," was my mental comment.
"I don't doubt it." The question followed, "Where was I to go?"
I dreamt of Miss Ingram all the night: in a vivid morning dream I saw her closing the
gates of Thornfield against me and pointing me out another road; and Mr. Rochester
looked on with his arms folded--smiling
sardonically, as it seemed, at both her and me.
I had not notified to Mrs. Fairfax the exact day of my return; for I did not wish
either car or carriage to meet me at Millcote.
I proposed to walk the distance quietly by myself; and very quietly, after leaving my
box in the ostler's care, did I slip away from the George Inn, about six o'clock of a
June evening, and take the old road to
Thornfield: a road which lay chiefly through fields, and was now little
frequented.
It was not a bright or splendid summer evening, though fair and soft: the
haymakers were at work all along the road; and the sky, though far from cloudless, was
such as promised well for the future: its
blue--where blue was visible--was mild and settled, and its cloud strata high and
thin.
The west, too, was warm: no watery gleam chilled it--it seemed as if there was a
fire lit, an altar burning behind its screen of marbled vapour, and out of
apertures shone a golden redness.
I felt glad as the road shortened before me: so glad that I stopped once to ask
myself what that joy meant: and to remind reason that it was not to my home I was
going, or to a permanent resting-place, or
to a place where fond friends looked out for me and waited my arrival.
"Mrs. Fairfax will smile you a calm welcome, to be sure," said I; "and little
Adele will clap her hands and jump to see you: but you know very well you are
thinking of another than they, and that he is not thinking of you."
But what is so headstrong as youth? What so blind as inexperience?
These affirmed that it was pleasure enough to have the privilege of again looking on
Mr. Rochester, whether he looked on me or not; and they added--"Hasten! hasten! be
with him while you may: but a few more days
or weeks, at most, and you are parted from him for ever!"
And then I strangled a new-born agony--a deformed thing which I could not persuade
myself to own and rear--and ran on.
They are making hay, too, in Thornfield meadows: or rather, the labourers are just
quitting their work, and returning home with their rakes on their shoulders, now,
at the hour I arrive.
I have but a field or two to traverse, and then I shall cross the road and reach the
gates. How full the hedges are of roses!
But I have no time to gather any; I want to be at the house.
I passed a tall briar, shooting leafy and flowery branches across the path; I see the
narrow stile with stone steps; and I see-- Mr. Rochester sitting there, a book and a
pencil in his hand; he is writing.
Well, he is not a ghost; yet every nerve I have is unstrung: for a moment I am beyond
my own mastery. What does it mean?
I did not think I should tremble in this way when I saw him, or lose my voice or the
power of motion in his presence. I will go back as soon as I can stir: I
need not make an absolute fool of myself.
I know another way to the house. It does not signify if I knew twenty ways;
for he has seen me. "Hillo!" he cries; and he puts up his book
and his pencil.
"There you are! Come on, if you please."
I suppose I do come on; though in what fashion I know not; being scarcely
cognisant of my movements, and solicitous only to appear calm; and, above all, to
control the working muscles of my face--
which I feel rebel insolently against my will, and struggle to express what I had
resolved to conceal. But I have a veil--it is down: I may make
shift yet to behave with decent composure.
"And this is Jane Eyre? Are you coming from Millcote, and on foot?
Yes--just one of your tricks: not to send for a carriage, and come clattering over
street and road like a common mortal, but to steal into the vicinage of your home
along with twilight, just as if you were a dream or a shade.
What the deuce have you done with yourself this last month?"
"I have been with my aunt, sir, who is dead."
"A true Janian reply! Good angels be my guard!
She comes from the other world--from the abode of people who are dead; and tells me
so when she meets me alone here in the gloaming!
If I dared, I'd touch you, to see if you are substance or shadow, you elf!--but I'd
as soon offer to take hold of a blue ignis fatuus light in a marsh.
Truant! truant!" he added, when he had paused an instant.
"Absent from me a whole month, and forgetting me quite, I'll be sworn!"
I knew there would be pleasure in meeting my master again, even though broken by the
fear that he was so soon to cease to be my master, and by the knowledge that I was
nothing to him: but there was ever in Mr.
Rochester (so at least I thought) such a wealth of the power of communicating
happiness, that to taste but of the crumbs he scattered to stray and stranger birds
like me, was to feast genially.
His last words were balm: they seemed to imply that it imported something to him
whether I forgot him or not. And he had spoken of Thornfield as my home-
-would that it were my home!
He did not leave the stile, and I hardly liked to ask to go by.
I inquired soon if he had not been to London.
"Yes; I suppose you found that out by second-sight."
"Mrs. Fairfax told me in a letter." "And did she inform you what I went to do?"
"Oh, yes, sir!
Everybody knew your errand."
"You must see the carriage, Jane, and tell me if you don't think it will suit Mrs.
Rochester exactly; and whether she won't look like Queen Boadicea, leaning back
against those purple cushions.
I wish, Jane, I were a trifle better adapted to match with her externally.
Tell me now, fairy as you are--can't you give me a charm, or a philter, or something
of that sort, to make me a handsome man?"
"It would be past the power of magic, sir;" and, in thought, I added, "A loving eye is
all the charm needed: to such you are handsome enough; or rather your sternness
has a power beyond beauty."
Mr. Rochester had sometimes read my unspoken thoughts with an acumen to me
incomprehensible: in the present instance he took no notice of my abrupt vocal
response; but he smiled at me with a
certain smile he had of his own, and which he used but on rare occasions.
He seemed to think it too good for common purposes: it was the real sunshine of
feeling--he shed it over me now.
"Pass, Janet," said he, making room for me to cross the stile: "go up home, and stay
your weary little wandering feet at a friend's threshold."
All I had now to do was to obey him in silence: no need for me to colloquise
further. I got over the stile without a word, and
meant to leave him calmly.
An impulse held me fast--a force turned me round.
I said--or something in me said for me, and in spite of me--
"Thank you, Mr. Rochester, for your great kindness.
I am strangely glad to get back again to you: and wherever you are is my home--my
only home."
I walked on so fast that even he could hardly have overtaken me had he tried.
Little Adele was half wild with delight when she saw me.
Mrs. Fairfax received me with her usual plain friendliness.
Leah smiled, and even Sophie bid me "bon soir" with glee.
This was very pleasant; there is no happiness like that of being loved by your
fellow-creatures, and feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort.
I that evening shut my eyes resolutely against the future: I stopped my cars
against the voice that kept warning me of near separation and coming grief.
When tea was over and Mrs. Fairfax had taken her knitting, and I had assumed a low
seat near her, and Adele, kneeling on the carpet, had nestled close up to me, and a
sense of mutual affection seemed to
surround us with a ring of golden peace, I uttered a silent prayer that we might not
be parted far or soon; but when, as we thus sat, Mr. Rochester entered, unannounced,
and looking at us, seemed to take pleasure
in the spectacle of a group so amicable-- when he said he supposed the old lady was
all right now that she had got her adopted daughter back again, and added that he saw
Adele was "prete a croquer sa petite maman
Anglaise"--I half ventured to hope that he would, even after his marriage, keep us
together somewhere under the shelter of his protection, and not quite exiled from the
sunshine of his presence.
A fortnight of dubious calm succeeded my return to Thornfield Hall.
Nothing was said of the master's marriage, and I saw no preparation going on for such
an event.
Almost every day I asked Mrs. Fairfax if she had yet heard anything decided: her
answer was always in the negative.
Once she said she had actually put the question to Mr. Rochester as to when he was
going to bring his bride home; but he had answered her only by a joke and one of his
*** looks, and she could not tell what to make of him.
One thing specially surprised me, and that was, there were no journeyings backward and
forward, no visits to Ingram Park: to be sure it was twenty miles off, on the
borders of another county; but what was that distance to an ardent lover?
To so practised and indefatigable a horseman as Mr. Rochester, it would be but
a morning's ride.
I began to cherish hopes I had no right to conceive: that the match was broken off;
that rumour had been mistaken; that one or both parties had changed their minds.
I used to look at my master's face to see if it were sad or fierce; but I could not
remember the time when it had been so uniformly clear of clouds or evil feelings.
If, in the moments I and my pupil spent with him, I lacked spirits and sank into
inevitable dejection, he became even gay.
Never had he called me more frequently to his presence; never been kinder to me when
there--and, alas! never had I loved him so well.