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>>> FRIDAYS WITH THURBER
CONTINUES TONIGHT WITH ONE OF
THE CLASSICS.
FOR MORE THAN 40 YEARS AND
NOTHING WAS EVER BETTER THAN ONE
COLLECTION, RECOLLECTION REALLY,
THAT CAME OUT OF 1933.
SOMETIMES EXAGGERATED BUT ROOTED
TERRIFYINGLY IN REALITY.
MY LIFE IN HARD TIMES TOLD OF
HIS LIFE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO,
THROUGH HIS DAYS AT OHIO STATE
UNIVERSITY, AND WHAT DAYS THEY
WERE.
I'M READING FROM THE LIBRARY OF
AMERICA, THURBER WRITINGS AND
DRAWINGS, JUST REPRINTED LARGELY
BECAUSE OF YOUR INTEREST IN
READING HIM.
I HAD INTENDED TO EDIT THIS ONE
DOWN FOR TIME, BUT IT IS JUST
PERFECT AS IT IS.
NOT ONE WORD IS OUT OF PLACE.
MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.
SO TONIGHT THE FIRST HALF OF
"THE NIGHT THE GHOST GOT IN" BY
JAMES THURBER.
THE GHOST THAT GOT INTO THE
HOUSE ON THE NIGHT OF NOVEMBER
17th, 1915, RAISED SUCH A HULL
BA LOO OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS THAT
I AM SORRY I DIDN'T JUST LET IT
KEEP ON WALKING AND GO TO BED.
ITS ADVENT CAUSED MY MOTHER TO
THROW A SHOE THROUGH A WINDOW OF
THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND ENDED UP
WITH MY GRANDFATHER SHOOTING A
PATROLMAN.
I AM SORRY, THEREFORE, AS I HAVE
SAID, THAT I EVER PAID ANY
ATTENTION TO THE FOOTSTEPS.
THEY BEGAN ABOUT A QUARTER PAST
1:00 IN THE MORNING, A RHYTHMIC,
QUICK CADENCED WALKING AROUND
THE DINING ROOM TABLE.
MY MOTHER WAS ASLEEP IN ONE ROOM
UPSTAIRS.
MY BROTHER HERMAN IN ANOTHER.
GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE ATTIC IN
THE OLD WALNUT BED, WHICH AS YOU
WILL REMEMBER, ONCE FELL ON MY
FATHER.
I HAD JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE
BATHTUB AND WAS BUSILY RUBBING
MYSELF WITH A TOWEL WHEN I HEARD
THE STEPS.
THEY WERE THE STEPS OF A MAN
WALKING RAPIDLY AROUND THE
DINING ROOM TABLE DOWNSTAIRS.
THE LIGHT FROM THE BATHROOM
SHOWN DOWN THE BACK STEPS, WHICH
DROPPED DIRECTLY INTO THE DINING
ROOM.
I COULD SEE THE FAINT SHINE OF
PLATES ON THE PLATE RAIL.
I COULDN'T SEE THE TABLE.
THE STEPS KEPT GOING ROUND AND
ROUND THE TABLE AT REGULAR
INTERVALS.
A BOARD CREAKED WHEN IT WAS TROD
UPON.
I SUPPOSED AT FIRST THAT IT WAS
MY FATHER OR MY BROTHER ROY, WHO
HAD GONE TO INDIANAPOLIS BUT
WERE EXPECTED HOME AT ANY TIME.
I EXPECTED NEXT IT WAS A
BURGLAR.
IT DID NOT ENTER MY MIND UNTIL
LATER THAT IT WAS A GHOST.
AFTER THE WALKING HAD GONE ON
FOR PERHAPS THREE MINUTES, I
TIPTOED TO HERMAN'S ROOM.
PSST, I HISSED IN THE DARK,
SHAKING HIM.
AW, PHHT, HE SAID IN THE LOW
HOPELESS TONE OF A DERESPONDENT
BEAGLE.
HE ALSO HALF SUSPECTED SOMETHING
WOULD GET HIM IN THE NIGHT.
THERE'S SOMETHING DOWNSTAIRS, I
SAID.
HE GOT UP AND FOLLOWED ME TO THE
HEAD OF THE BACK STAIRCASE.
WE LISTENED TOGETHER.
THERE WAS NO SOUND.
THE STEPS HAD CEASED.
HERMAN LOOKED AT ME IN SOME
ALARM.
I HAD ONLY THE BATH TOWEL AROUND
MY WAIST.
HE WANTED TO GO BACK TO BED, BUT
I GRIPPED HIS ARM.
THERE'S SOMETHING DOWN THERE, I
SAID.
INSTANTLY, THE STEPS BEGAN
AGAIN, CIRCLED THE DINING ROOM
TABLE LIKE A MAN RUNNING AND
STARTED UP THE STAIRS TOWARD US
HEAVILY TWO AT A TIME.
THE LIGHT STILL SHONE DOWN THE
STAIRS.
WE SAW NOTHING COMING.
WE ONLY HEARD THE STEPS.
HERMAN RUSHED TO HIS ROOM AND
SLAMMED THE DOOR.
I SLAMMED SHUT THE DOOR AT THE
STAIRS TOP AND HELD MY KNEE
AGAINST IT.
AFTER A LONG MINUTE, I SLOWLY
OPENED IT AGAIN.
THERE WAS NOTHING THERE.
THERE WAS NO SOUND.
NONE OF US EVER HEARD THE GHOST
AGAIN.
THE SLAMMING OF THE DOORS HAD
AROUSED MOTHER.
SHE PEERED OUT OF HER ROOM.
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU BOYS
DOING?
SHE DEMANDED.
HERMAN VENTURED OUT OF HIS ROOM.
NOTHING, HE SAID GRUFFLY, BUT HE
WAS IN COLOR A LIGHT GREEN.
WHAT WAS ALL THAT RUNNING AROUND
DOWNSTAIRS?
SAID MOTHER.
SO SHE HAD HEARD THE STEPS TOO.
WE JUST LOOKED AT HER.
BURGLARS, SHE SHOUTED,
INTUITIVELY.
I TRIED TO QUIET HER BY STARTING
LIGHTLY DOWNSTAIRS.
COME ON, HERMAN, I SAID, I'LL
STAY WITH MOTHER, HE SAID.
SHE'S ALL EXCITED.
I STEPPED BACK ONTO THE LANDING.
DON'T EITHER YOU GO A STEP, SAID
MOTHER.
WE'LL CALL THE POLICE.
SINCE THE PHONE WAS DOWNSTAIRS,
I DIDN'T SEE HOW WE WERE GOING
TO CALL THE POLICE, NOR DID I
WANT THE POLICE.
BUT MOTHER MADE ONE OF HER
QUICK, INCOMPARABLE DECISIONS.
SHE FLUNG UP THE WINDOW OF HER
BEDROOM, WHICH FACED THE BEDROOM
WINDOWS OF THE HOUSE OF THE
NEIGHBOR, PICKED UP A SHOE, AND
WHAMMED IT THROUGH A PANE OF
GLASS ACROSS THE NARROW SPACE
THAT SEPARATED THE TWO HOUSES.
GLASS TINKLED INTO THE BEDROOM
OF A RETIRED ENGINEER NAMED
BODWELL AND HIS WIFE.
BODWELL HAD BEEN FOR SOME YEARS
IN A RATHER BAD WAY AND SUBJECT
TO MILD ATTACKS.
MOST EVERYBODY WE KNEW OR LIVED
NEAR HAD SOME KIND OF ATTACKS.
IT WAS NOW ABOUT 2:00 ON A
MOONLESS NIGHT.
CLOUDS HANG BLACK AND LOW.
BODWELL WAS AT THE WINDOW IN A
MOMENT SHOUTING GS FROTHING A
LITTLE, SHAKING HIS FIST.
WE'LL SELL THE HOUSE AND GO BACK
TO PEORIA, WE COULD HEAR MRS.
BODWELL SAYING.
IT WAS SOME TIME BEFORE MOTHER
GOT THROUGH TO BODWELL.
BURGLARS, SHE SHOUTED.
BURGLARS IN THE HOUSE.
HERMAN AND I HADN'T DARED TO
TELL HER IT WAS NOT BURGLARS BUT
GOEFRTS.
SHE WAS EVEN MORE AFRAID OF
GHOSTS THAN OF BURGLARS.
BODWELL AT FIRST THOUGHT SHE
MEANT THERE WERE BURGLARS IN HIS
HOUSE.
FINALLY, HE QUIETED DOWN AND
CALLED THE POLICE FOR US OVER AN
EXTENSION PHONE BY HIS BED.
AFTER HE HAD DISAPPEARED FROM
THE WINDOW, MOTHER SUDDENLY MADE
AS IF TO THROW ANOTHER SHOE, NOT
BECAUSE THERE WAS FURTHER NEED
OF IT, BUT AS SHE LATER
EXPLAINED, BECAUSE THE THRILL OF
HEAVYING A SHOE THROUGH A WINDOW
GLASS HAD ENORMOUSLY TAKEN HER
FANCY.
I PREVENTED HER.
THE POLICE WERE ON HAND IN A
COMMENDABLY SHORT TIME.
A FORD SEDAN FULL OF THEM, TWO
ON MOTORCYCLES, AND A PATROL
WAGON WITH ABOUT EIGHT IN IT AND
A FEW REPORTERS.
THEY BEGAN BANGING AT OUR FRONT
DOOR, FLASHLIGHTS SHOT STREAKS
OF GLEAM UP AND DOWN THE WALLS,
ACROSS THE YARD, DOWN THE WALK
BETWEEN HUR HOUSE AND BODWELLS.
OPEN UP, CRIED A HOARSE VOICE.
WE'RE MEN FROM HEADQUARTERS.
I WANTED TO GO DOWN AND LET THEM
IN, SINCE THEY WERE, BUT MOTHER
WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.
YOU HAVEN'T A STITCH ON, SHE
POINTED OUT.
YOU'LL CATCH YOUR DEATH.
I WOUND THE TOWEL AROUND ME
AGAIN.
FINALLY, THE COPS PUT THEIR
SHOULDERS TO OUR BIG HEAVY FRONT
DOOR WITH ITS THICK BEVELLED
GLASS AND BROKE IT IN.
I COULD HEAR A RENDING OF WOOD
AND A SPLASH OF GLASS ON THE
FLOOR OF THE HALL.
THEIR LIGHTS PLAYED ALL OVER THE
LIVING ROOM AND CRISSCROSSED
NERVOUSLY IN THE DINING ROOM AND
STABBED INTO HALLWAYS AND SHOT
UP THE FRONT STAIRS AND FINALLY
UP THE BACK.
THEY CAUGHT ME STANDING IN MY
TOWEL AT THE TOP.
A HEAVY POLICEMAN BOUNDED UP THE
STEPS.
WHO ARE YOU, HE DEMANDED.
I LIVE HERE, I SAID.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU HOT?
HE ASKED.
IT WAS, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
COLD.
I WENT TO MY ROOM AND PULLED ON
SOME TROUSERS.
ON MY WAY OUT, ANOTHER COP STUCK
A GUN INTO MY RIBS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HE DEMANDED.
I LIVE HERE, I SAID.
THE OFFICER IN CHARGE REPORTED
TO MOTHER, NO SIGN OF NOBODY,
LADY, HE SAID.
MUST HAVE GOT AWAY.
WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?
THERE WERE TWO OR THREE OF THEM,
MOTHER SAID, WHOOPING AND
CARRYING ON, AND SLAMMING DOORS.
FUNNY, SAID THE COP.
ALL YOUR WINDOWS AND DOORS WAS
LOCKED ON THE INSIDE, TIGHT AS A
TICK.
DOWNSTAIRS, WE COULD HEAR THE
TROMPING OF THE OTHER POLICE.
POLICE WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
DOORS WERE YANKED OPEN.
DRAWERS WERE YANKED OPEN.
WINDOWS WERE SHOT UP AND PULLED
DOWN.
FURNITURE FELL WITH DULL THUMPS.
A HALF DOZEN POLICEMEN EMERGED
OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE FRONT
HALLWAY UPSTAIRS.
THEY BEGAN TO RANSACK THE FLOOR.
PULLED BEDS AWAY FROM WALLS.
TORE CLOTHES OFF HOOKS IN THE
CLOSETS.
PULLED SUITCASES AND BOXES OFF
SHELVES.
ONE OF THEM FOUND AN OLD ZITHER
THAT ROY HAD WON IN A POOL
TOURNAMENT.
LOOKY HERE, JOE, HE SAID
STRUMING IT WITH A BIG PAW.
THE COP NAMED JOE TOOK IT AND
TURNED IT OVER.
WHAT IS IT?
HE ASKED ME.
IT'S AN OLD ZITHER OUR GUINEA
PIG USED TO SLEEP ON, I SAID.