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I USE TODAY BLAME MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER AND
MY FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER AND GRANDMOTHER BECAUSE THEY WERE
GRANDMOTHER BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL ALCOHOLICS AND THE VERY
ALL ALCOHOLICS AND THE VERY THING I SAID I WOULDN'T BE
THING I SAID I WOULDN'T BE LIKE I HAD BECAME.
LIKE I HAD BECAME. I SAID I WOULDN'T BECOME AN
I SAID I WOULDN'T BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC AND I BECAME JUST
ALCOHOLIC AND I BECAME JUST WHAT THEY WERE, JUST WHAT THEY
WHAT THEY WERE, JUST WHAT THEY WERE, JUST WHAT THEY WERE.
WERE, JUST WHAT THEY WERE. >> I WAS TOLD WHEN WE POINT
>> I WAS TOLD WHEN WE POINT ONE FINGER AT SOMEONE ELSE TO
ONE FINGER AT SOMEONE ELSE TO POINT THE FINGER OF BLAME
POINT THE FINGER OF BLAME THERE'S THREE FINGERS POINTING
THERE'S THREE FINGERS POINTING BACK AT ME.
BACK AT ME. ¶AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE
¶AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
SOUND. ¶I ONCE WAS BOUND BUT NOW I'M
¶I ONCE WAS BOUND BUT NOW I'M FREE.
FREE. >> HI, I'M LAVERNE TRIPP, AND
>> HI, I'M LAVERNE TRIPP, AND WELCOME TO BORN TO BE FREE.
WELCOME TO BORN TO BE FREE. WHAT A GREAT DAY THIS IS GOING
WHAT A GREAT DAY THIS IS GOING TO BE, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO
TO BE, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO LEARN SOMETHING.
LEARN SOMETHING. WE HAVE PLAYED THE BLAME GAME
WE HAVE PLAYED THE BLAME GAME ALL OUR LIFE.
ALL OUR LIFE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WELL YOU'RE GOING TO FIND OUT
WELL YOU'RE GOING TO FIND OUT IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES, AND I
IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES, AND I THINK YOU'LL REALIZE AND I
THINK YOU'LL REALIZE AND I HOPE I DO TOO, ONCE AGAIN,
HOPE I DO TOO, ONCE AGAIN, IT'S NOT THEM, IT'S NOT IT,
IT'S NOT THEM, IT'S NOT IT, IT'S ME.
IT'S ME. WHEN I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
WHEN I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I'VE DONE, WONDERFUL
FOR WHAT I'VE DONE, WONDERFUL THINGS BEGIN TO HAPPEN.
THINGS BEGIN TO HAPPEN. INSTEAD OF BLAMING OTHERS.
INSTEAD OF BLAMING OTHERS. AS LONG AS I BLAMED OTHERS, I
AS LONG AS I BLAMED OTHERS, I NEVER GAINED THE VICTORY.
NEVER GAINED THE VICTORY. I BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO FIND
I BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT TODAY THAT WE REALLY WERE
OUT TODAY THAT WE REALLY WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
BORN TO BE FREE. >> HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOU TO
>> HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOU TO REALIZE WHEN YOU HAVE HURT
REALIZE WHEN YOU HAVE HURT PEOPLE ESPECIALLY WHEN AS
PEOPLE ESPECIALLY WHEN AS ADDICTS WE CAN BE SO
ADDICTS WE CAN BE SO SELF-CENTERED AND SO FOCUSED
SELF-CENTERED AND SO FOCUSED ON US?
ON US? MARK, DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHTS
MARK, DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHTS ON THAT AT ALL ON HOW CAN WE
ON THAT AT ALL ON HOW CAN WE FIND OUT?
FIND OUT? >> I HEARD IN A TREATMENT A
>> I HEARD IN A TREATMENT A FAIRLY CRYPTIC LITTLE THING.
FAIRLY CRYPTIC LITTLE THING. BUT I WAS TOLD WHEN WE POINT
BUT I WAS TOLD WHEN WE POINT ONE FINGER AT SOMEBODY ELSE TO
ONE FINGER AT SOMEBODY ELSE TO POINT THE FINGER OF BLAME
POINT THE FINGER OF BLAME THERE'S THREE FINGERS POINTING
THERE'S THREE FINGERS POINTING BACK AT ME.
BACK AT ME. AND IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO
AND IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO SWALLOW THAT, BUT THAT'S TRUE.
SWALLOW THAT, BUT THAT'S TRUE. MY BEHAVIOR IN THE PAST WAS
MY BEHAVIOR IN THE PAST WAS CHARACTERIZED BY A LOT OF
CHARACTERIZED BY A LOT OF BLAME SHIFTING.
BLAME SHIFTING. I SHIFTED THE BLAME OUT OF
I SHIFTED THE BLAME OUT OF ACTIONS THAT I HAD DONE, THAT
ACTIONS THAT I HAD DONE, THAT I OWED ONTO SOMEBODY ELSE.
I OWED ONTO SOMEBODY ELSE. AND PART OF THE GRACE THAT
AND PART OF THE GRACE THAT CAME FROM THIS WHOLE PROCESS
CAME FROM THIS WHOLE PROCESS WAS UNDERSTANDING MY
WAS UNDERSTANDING MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN
RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN ACTIONS.
ACTIONS. ONE OF THE, YOU KNOW, WE
ONE OF THE, YOU KNOW, WE TALKED A WHILE BACK ABOUT
TALKED A WHILE BACK ABOUT STINKING THINKING, I USED TO
STINKING THINKING, I USED TO BE VERY GOOD AT JUDGING ME
BE VERY GOOD AT JUDGING ME BASED ON MY INTENTIONS.
BASED ON MY INTENTIONS. I ALWAYS MEANT TO DO RIGHT.
I ALWAYS MEANT TO DO RIGHT. BUT YOU KNOW, IF I SAW
BUT YOU KNOW, IF I SAW SOMEBODY ELSE DOING ANYTHING
SOMEBODY ELSE DOING ANYTHING WRONG I WAS QUICK TO JUMP ALL
WRONG I WAS QUICK TO JUMP ALL OVER THEIR CASE.
OVER THEIR CASE. I JUDGED THEM BY THEIR
I JUDGED THEM BY THEIR ACTIONS.
ACTIONS. THE FACT IS I NEED TO BE
THE FACT IS I NEED TO BE JUDGED BY MY ACTIONS TOO.
JUDGED BY MY ACTIONS TOO. AND I DID THINGS THAT WERE
AND I DID THINGS THAT WERE WRONG.
WRONG. AND I OWNED THEM.
AND I OWNED THEM. WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING
WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING READY, THAT WAS THE PART.
READY, THAT WAS THE PART. THAT'S WHY THIS PHASE HERE OF
THAT'S WHY THIS PHASE HERE OF OUR DEVELOPMENT IS AFTER THE
OUR DEVELOPMENT IS AFTER THE INVENTORY AND AFTER THOSE
INVENTORY AND AFTER THOSE OTHER THINGS, BECAUSE I NEED
OTHER THINGS, BECAUSE I NEED TODAY HAVE GOD SHOW ME WHO AND
TODAY HAVE GOD SHOW ME WHO AND WHAT I WAS AND WHAT I MIGHT
WHAT I WAS AND WHAT I MIGHT BECOME.
BECOME. BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY
BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY DEVELOPMENT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
DEVELOPMENT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A MORE IMPORTANT ASPECT,
A MORE IMPORTANT ASPECT, SOMETHING THAT CHRIST TAUGHT
SOMETHING THAT CHRIST TAUGHT ME, IN HIS OWN PRAYER.
ME, IN HIS OWN PRAYER. SO AS I GET READY TO GO OUT
SO AS I GET READY TO GO OUT AND ASK FORGIVENESS, HE TELLS
AND ASK FORGIVENESS, HE TELLS US TO FORGIVE US OUR SINS AS
US TO FORGIVE US OUR SINS AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS.
WE FORGIVE OTHERS. AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY
AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY GETTING READY HERE IS TO LOOK
GETTING READY HERE IS TO LOOK AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT I HAD
AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT I HAD RESENTMENTS OVER, ALL THE
RESENTMENTS OVER, ALL THE STUFF I WAS MAD OVER, ALL THE
STUFF I WAS MAD OVER, ALL THE THOSE PEOPLE I BLAMED, AND
THOSE PEOPLE I BLAMED, AND FORGIVE THEM.
FORGIVE THEM. AND TO LEARN SOMETHING OF WHAT
AND TO LEARN SOMETHING OF WHAT FORGIVENESS IS.
FORGIVENESS IS. BECAUSE GOD HAS BESTOWED A
BECAUSE GOD HAS BESTOWED A MIGHTY PRECIOUS GIFT ON ME AND
MIGHTY PRECIOUS GIFT ON ME AND WITH THAT'S COME A NEW LIFE.
WITH THAT'S COME A NEW LIFE. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF THAT, IS A PRECIOUS
DEPTHS OF THAT, IS A PRECIOUS GIFT THOUGH.
GIFT THOUGH. FROM THAT I GET A CHANCE TO
FROM THAT I GET A CHANCE TO HELP OTHERS, A NEW CHANCE AT
HELP OTHERS, A NEW CHANCE AT LIVING.
LIVING. IT'S LIKE BEING REBORN.
IT'S LIKE BEING REBORN. AND SO I ASKED GOD, YOU KNOW,
AND SO I ASKED GOD, YOU KNOW, FOR A SPIRIT OF FORGIVENESS.
FOR A SPIRIT OF FORGIVENESS. TO HELP ME FORGIVE OTHERS.
TO HELP ME FORGIVE OTHERS. TO GET AWAY FROM ARGUING AND
TO GET AWAY FROM ARGUING AND CRITICIZING.
CRITICIZING. AND TO GET READY TO ASK OTHERS
AND TO GET READY TO ASK OTHERS TO FORGIVE ME.
TO FORGIVE ME. >> THE GREATEST HURT THAT WE
>> THE GREATEST HURT THAT WE MAY DO WE MAY NOT EVEN THINK
MAY DO WE MAY NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT.
ABOUT. THAT'S IN OUR HOMES AND IT'S
THAT'S IN OUR HOMES AND IT'S THE PEOPLE AROUND US WHO
THE PEOPLE AROUND US WHO OBSERVE OUR BEHAVIOR AND
OBSERVE OUR BEHAVIOR AND INFLUENCED BY IT AND CAN'T
INFLUENCED BY IT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A LIST OF IT BUT
EVEN MAKE A LIST OF IT BUT IT'S A VERY REAL
IT'S A VERY REAL RESPONSIBILITY.
RESPONSIBILITY. >> HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN
>> HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY, CHILDREN AND
THE COMMUNITY, CHILDREN AND OTHER RELATIONSHIPS WE'VE HAD
OTHER RELATIONSHIPS WE'VE HAD THAT WE'VE LET PEOPLE DOWN
THAT WE'VE LET PEOPLE DOWN BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY'VE SEEN
BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY'VE SEEN IN US.
IN US. >> WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE
>> WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE BLAME GAME DIDN'T WORK OR THE
BLAME GAME DIDN'T WORK OR THE BLAME GAME WHATEVER YOU WANT
BLAME GAME WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, DIDN'T WORK AND IT CAN
TO SAY, DIDN'T WORK AND IT CAN CAUSE EMOTIONS TO ARISE.
CAUSE EMOTIONS TO ARISE. AND THEY SAY RESENTMENT AND
AND THEY SAY RESENTMENT AND YOU REFER TO RESENTMENT, MARK.
YOU REFER TO RESENTMENT, MARK. RESENTMENT IS THE TICKET TO
RESENTMENT IS THE TICKET TO YOUR NEXT CRASH.
YOUR NEXT CRASH. YOU HOLD ONTO THAT, BUDDY, IS
YOU HOLD ONTO THAT, BUDDY, IS GOING TO SINK YOUR BOAT.
GOING TO SINK YOUR BOAT. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A BIG
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A BIG ENOUGH BOAT TO HOLD IT.
ENOUGH BOAT TO HOLD IT. >> THAT'S A GOOD WORD.
>> THAT'S A GOOD WORD. RESENTMENT MEANS TO REFEEL.
RESENTMENT MEANS TO REFEEL. THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE I
THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE I DIDN'T LIKE.
DIDN'T LIKE. >> HOW DID YOU MENTION IT
>> HOW DID YOU MENTION IT TINY?
TINY? YOU SAID YOU A WHOLE LOT OF
YOU SAID YOU A WHOLE LOT OF IT?
IT? >> DEALING WITH ABUSE I WENT
>> DEALING WITH ABUSE I WENT THROUGH, I HAD TO GO THROUGH
THROUGH, I HAD TO GO THROUGH COUNSELING AND TREATMENT
COUNSELING AND TREATMENT THROUGH TEEN CHALLENGE TO GET
THROUGH TEEN CHALLENGE TO GET THE ANGER MANAGEMENT I NEEDED
THE ANGER MANAGEMENT I NEEDED TO WORK IT OUT.
TO WORK IT OUT. THE BIBLE SAYS BE ANGRY BUT
THE BIBLE SAYS BE ANGRY BUT SIN NOT.
SIN NOT. I HAD TO WRITE THAT SCRIPTURE
I HAD TO WRITE THAT SCRIPTURE LIKE 500 TIMES.
LIKE 500 TIMES. IT HELPED ME, BECAUSE I NEEDED
IT HELPED ME, BECAUSE I NEEDED TO START WORKING ON MYSELF.
TO START WORKING ON MYSELF. I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH MYSELF.
I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH MYSELF. THERE WAS ENOUGH POINTING
THERE WAS ENOUGH POINTING FINGERS AT PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,
FINGERS AT PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID I POINTED THE
LIKE I SAID I POINTED THE FINGER AT EVERYONE I COULD
FINGER AT EVERYONE I COULD EXCEPT TINY.
EXCEPT TINY. AND IT ALL BOTTOMED OUT AND I
AND IT ALL BOTTOMED OUT AND I REALIZED I HAD AN ANGER
REALIZED I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM AND I HAD TO FIND THE
PROBLEM AND I HAD TO FIND THE HEAD, THE ROOT OF IT AND YOU
HEAD, THE ROOT OF IT AND YOU HAVE TO CAUGHT IT OFF WITH THE
HAVE TO CAUGHT IT OFF WITH THE WORD OF GOD.
WORD OF GOD. JUST CUT IT OFF.
JUST CUT IT OFF. AND REFILL THAT WITH THE HOLY
AND REFILL THAT WITH THE HOLY GHOST.
GHOST. THE HATRED AND ANGER AND
THE HATRED AND ANGER AND RACISM, I COULD SAY I WAS
RACISM, I COULD SAY I WAS PREJUDICE AND I WAS MILITANT
PREJUDICE AND I WAS MILITANT AND ALL THOSE THINGS, BUT I
AND ALL THOSE THINGS, BUT I HAD TO FILL IT WITH THE LOVE
HAD TO FILL IT WITH THE LOVE OF GOD.
OF GOD. I CAN SAY I LOVE YOU AND
I CAN SAY I LOVE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE.
EVERYONE ELSE. GOD HAD TO SHOW ME THAT.
GOD HAD TO SHOW ME THAT. YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT BITTERNESS
YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT BITTERNESS AND HATRED.
AND HATRED. YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT UP.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT UP. YOU CAN BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE,
YOU CAN BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE, IF YOU WANT.
IF YOU WANT. >> ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF
>> ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE LAST CENTURY WAS BOOK ER
THE LAST CENTURY WAS BOOK ER T.
T. WASHINGTON THAT HAD A
WASHINGTON THAT HAD A HUMONGOUS STATEMENT THAT
HUMONGOUS STATEMENT THAT HAUNTS ME.
HAUNTS ME. I'LL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO
I'LL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO DEGRADE MY SOUL TO HATRED.
DEGRADE MY SOUL TO HATRED. >> WHEN MY MOTHER HAD A
>> WHEN MY MOTHER HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN SHE STARTED
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN SHE STARTED DRINKING HEAVY.
DRINKING HEAVY. I LOOK BACK OVER THE HISTORY
I LOOK BACK OVER THE HISTORY OF OUR LIVES AND I TALKED A
OF OUR LIVES AND I TALKED A FEW OTHER RELATIVES AND FOUND
FEW OTHER RELATIVES AND FOUND OUT MY GRANDMOTHER AND
OUT MY GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER AND FATHER DRANK
GRANDFATHER AND FATHER DRANK VERY HEAVILY.
VERY HEAVILY. MY GRANDMOTHER DIED AT IS A
MY GRANDMOTHER DIED AT IS A ROW SIS OF THE LIVER AT 60 AND
ROW SIS OF THE LIVER AT 60 AND MY MOTHER AT 50.
MY MOTHER AT 50. WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT ALCOHOL
WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT ALCOHOL SPIRIT, THAT CURSE, JUST WENT
SPIRIT, THAT CURSE, JUST WENT DOWN FROM GENERATION TO
DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION.
GENERATION. I FOUND MYSELF AT AGE 13
I FOUND MYSELF AT AGE 13 STARTING TO DRINK.
STARTING TO DRINK. GOING TO SCHOOL DRUNK, GOING
GOING TO SCHOOL DRUNK, GOING TO SCHOOL HIGH.
TO SCHOOL HIGH. MOEKING MARIJUANA.
MOEKING MARIJUANA. HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG
HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
CROWD. TRYING TO BE IN THE IN CROWD.
TRYING TO BE IN THE IN CROWD. MY FATHER LEFT MY MOTHER WHEN
MY FATHER LEFT MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS THREE YEARS OLD.
I WAS THREE YEARS OLD. HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND ALSO A
HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND ALSO A DRUG USER.
DRUG USER. AND HE USED TO BEAT AND ABUSE
AND HE USED TO BEAT AND ABUSE MY MOTHER.
MY MOTHER. SOMETIMES HE WOULD JUST COME
SOMETIMES HE WOULD JUST COME HOME, MY AUNT WOULD TELL ME,
HOME, MY AUNT WOULD TELL ME, AND JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT
AND JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT BEAT MY MOTHER BECAUSE OF
BEAT MY MOTHER BECAUSE OF LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCES.
LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCES. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNG I
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNG I HAD ANGER INSIDE.
HAD ANGER INSIDE. I BELIEVE THE ANGER CAME FROM
I BELIEVE THE ANGER CAME FROM THE ABUSIVENESS, THE YELLING
THE ABUSIVENESS, THE YELLING AND SCREAMING, AND NEVER
AND SCREAMING, AND NEVER HAVING A FATHER SAY I LOVE
HAVING A FATHER SAY I LOVE YOU, BE THERE WITH YOU, OR
YOU, BE THERE WITH YOU, OR TAKE YOU TO BALL GAMES OR BE
TAKE YOU TO BALL GAMES OR BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU IN
THERE TO SUPPORT YOU IN BASEBALL.
BASEBALL. I PLAYED BASEBALL AS A CHILD.
I PLAYED BASEBALL AS A CHILD. MY FATHER NEVER WAS THERE AND
MY FATHER NEVER WAS THERE AND NEVER CAME TO A BASEBALL GAME
NEVER CAME TO A BASEBALL GAME OR FOOTBALL GAME.
OR FOOTBALL GAME. WHEN YOU HAVE THAT AS A CHILD,
WHEN YOU HAVE THAT AS A CHILD, YOU SEE OTHER CHILDREN THERE
YOU SEE OTHER CHILDREN THERE WITH BOTH PARENTS CHEERING
WITH BOTH PARENTS CHEERING THEM ON YOU CAN MAKE IT,
THEM ON YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU'RE A SUCCESS, WE'RE HERE
YOU'RE A SUCCESS, WE'RE HERE TO SUPPORT YOUMENT WHEN YOU
TO SUPPORT YOUMENT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THAT HAS A CHILD IT
DON'T HAVE THAT HAS A CHILD IT HURTS.
HURTS. YOU LOOK UP TO THE STANDS AND
YOU LOOK UP TO THE STANDS AND HEAR JOHNNY'S MOTHER SCREAMING
HEAR JOHNNY'S MOTHER SCREAMING OUT HIT THE BALL, JOHNNY.
OUT HIT THE BALL, JOHNNY. AND YOU DON'T SEE YOUR MOTHER
AND YOU DON'T SEE YOUR MOTHER THERE BECAUSE SHE'S HOME
THERE BECAUSE SHE'S HOME DRUNK.
DRUNK. IT HIRTS AS A CHILD.
IT HIRTS AS A CHILD. MY JUNIOR YEAR I GOT IN A
MY JUNIOR YEAR I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH OUR PRINCIPAL.
FIGHT WITH OUR PRINCIPAL. AND I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HIM
AND I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HIM ALL BECAUSE HE TOOK MY HAT OFF
ALL BECAUSE HE TOOK MY HAT OFF MY HEAD.
MY HEAD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. MAYBE IT WAS THE DRUGS OR
MAYBE IT WAS THE DRUGS OR EVERYTHING COMING DOWN AT
EVERYTHING COMING DOWN AT ONCE.
ONCE. I JUST FLIPPED OUT.
I JUST FLIPPED OUT. I JUST TRIPPED OUT.
I JUST TRIPPED OUT. I JUMPED UP AND RAN AND TACKLE
I JUMPED UP AND RAN AND TACKLE THE PRINCIPAL AND BANGED HIS
THE PRINCIPAL AND BANGED HIS HEAD INTO THE WALL UNTIL I
HEAD INTO THE WALL UNTIL I CRACKED HIS SKULL.
CRACKED HIS SKULL. I FELT A LOT OF ANGER INSIDE
I FELT A LOT OF ANGER INSIDE THAT WAS STIMULATED FROM CHILD
THAT WAS STIMULATED FROM CHILD ABUSE AS A CHILD.
ABUSE AS A CHILD. I WAS ABUSED MENTALLY,
I WAS ABUSED MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY AS A
PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY AS A CHILD WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS
CHILD WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD AND THE HOLY GHOST BROUGHT
OLD AND THE HOLY GHOST BROUGHT THAT BACK TO MY MEMORY.
THAT BACK TO MY MEMORY. I BELIEVE WHEN THAT SITUATION
I BELIEVE WHEN THAT SITUATION CAME ABOUT WITH THE PRINCIPAL
CAME ABOUT WITH THE PRINCIPAL IT WAS ALL THE HURTS, ALL THE
IT WAS ALL THE HURTS, ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS, ALL THE SON
DISAPPOINTMENTS, ALL THE SON I'LL BE THERE TO TAKE YOU TO A
I'LL BE THERE TO TAKE YOU TO A BALL GAME THAT UNLEASHED ON
BALL GAME THAT UNLEASHED ON HIM, ALL THE ANGER INSIDE AND
HIM, ALL THE ANGER INSIDE AND I FELT REMORSE FOR IT LATER
I FELT REMORSE FOR IT LATER ON.
ON. I USED TO SAY IN MY LIFE,
I USED TO SAY IN MY LIFE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, GOD?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, GOD? I COME FIRST OF ALL FOR MY
I COME FIRST OF ALL FOR MY LIFE TO BE SO HORRIBLE AS A
LIFE TO BE SO HORRIBLE AS A CHILD, WHY DID YOU LET ME BE
CHILD, WHY DID YOU LET ME BE BORN?
BORN? I TOLD MY WIFE THAT.
I TOLD MY WIFE THAT. I USED TO ASK GOD, WHY DID
I USED TO ASK GOD, WHY DID YOU, IF THERE'S A GOD IN
YOU, IF THERE'S A GOD IN HEAVEN, WHY DID YOU EVEN LET
HEAVEN, WHY DID YOU EVEN LET ME BE BORN?
ME BE BORN? WHY WAS I BORN TO A MOTHER WHO
WHY WAS I BORN TO A MOTHER WHO WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY FATHER
WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WHO NEVER
WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WHO NEVER SAID ONE DAY OF HIS LIFE, SON,
SAID ONE DAY OF HIS LIFE, SON, I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU. SON, I'M THERE FOR YOU.
SON, I'M THERE FOR YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS ME.
I THOUGHT IT WAS ME. I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE, IS
I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME THAT MY DAD LEFT ME AND HERE
THAT MY DAD LEFT ME AND HERE THE OTHER CHILDREN GOT THEIR
THE OTHER CHILDREN GOT THEIR FATHER AND MOTHER WITH THEM AT
FATHER AND MOTHER WITH THEM AT THE BALL GAME.
THE BALL GAME. I THOUGHT I WOULD FALL DOWN
I THOUGHT I WOULD FALL DOWN THE SAME TRAIL, THE SAME PATH,
THE SAME TRAIL, THE SAME PATH, AS MY GRANDMOTHER.
AS MY GRANDMOTHER. JUST DRINK MY LIFE AWAY.
JUST DRINK MY LIFE AWAY. IT WAS A CURSE ON MY LIFE.
IT WAS A CURSE ON MY LIFE. AND I USED TO BLAME MY MOTHER,
AND I USED TO BLAME MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY GRANDMOTHER,
MY FATHER, MY GRANDMOTHER, GRANDFATHER BECAUSE THEY WERE
GRANDFATHER BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL ALCOHOLICS AND I USED TO
ALL ALCOHOLICS AND I USED TO BLAME THEM BECAUSE THE VERY
BLAME THEM BECAUSE THE VERY THING I SAID I WOULDN'T BE
THING I SAID I WOULDN'T BE LIKE I BECAME.
LIKE I BECAME. I SAID I WOULDN'T BE AN
I SAID I WOULDN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC AND I BECAME JUST
ALCOHOLIC AND I BECAME JUST WHAT THEY WERE.
WHAT THEY WERE. AND I USED TO BLAME THEM FOR
AND I USED TO BLAME THEM FOR THAT.
THAT. BUT GOD BROKE THAT CURSE IN MY
BUT GOD BROKE THAT CURSE IN MY LIFE.
LIFE. AFTER I CAME TO THE KNOWLEDGE
AFTER I CAME TO THE KNOWLEDGE OF JESUS CHRIST, I REALIZED I
OF JESUS CHRIST, I REALIZED I WAS WALKING AROUND WITH A LOT
WAS WALKING AROUND WITH A LOT OF BAGGAGE AND I CAN'T BLAME
OF BAGGAGE AND I CAN'T BLAME MY MOTHER OR FATHER OR
MY MOTHER OR FATHER OR GRANDMOTHER FOR MY
GRANDMOTHER FOR MY GENERATIONAL CURSES.
GENERATIONAL CURSES. THESE ARE THINGS, YOU KNOW, I
THESE ARE THINGS, YOU KNOW, I MADE THE CHOICE.
MADE THE CHOICE. LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHOICES,
LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHOICES, AND THESE ARE THE CHOICES I
AND THESE ARE THE CHOICES I MADE.
MADE. AND I HAVE TO REALIZE THAT I
AND I HAVE TO REALIZE THAT I GOT TO GO ON IN MY LIFE WITH
GOT TO GO ON IN MY LIFE WITH JESUS CHRIST AND GET MY
JESUS CHRIST AND GET MY DELIVERANCE AND HEALING FROM
DELIVERANCE AND HEALING FROM HIM.
HIM. ¶ LORD, I GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU.
¶ LORD, I GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU. ¶LORD, I GIVE, LORD, I GIVE,
¶LORD, I GIVE, LORD, I GIVE, GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU.
GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU. ¶LORD, I GIVE.
¶LORD, I GIVE. >> DO YOU FEEL LIKE THE
>> DO YOU FEEL LIKE THE REASON YOU DO THE THINGS YOU
REASON YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO IS BECAUSE OF WHAT'S BEEN
DO IS BECAUSE OF WHAT'S BEEN DONE TO YOU?
DONE TO YOU? DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE CONDITION YOU'RE IN BECAUSE OF
CONDITION YOU'RE IN BECAUSE OF THE FAMILY YOU WERE RAISED OR
THE FAMILY YOU WERE RAISED OR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN YOU
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD OR WHENEVER?
WERE A CHILD OR WHENEVER? I UNDERSTAND THAT.
I UNDERSTAND THAT. I TOOK MY FIRST DRINK WHEN I
I TOOK MY FIRST DRINK WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.
WAS 16 YEARS OLD. I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE I
I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE I WAS.
WAS. I KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO ME.
I KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO ME. I REMEMBER THE FIRST HIT OF
I REMEMBER THE FIRST HIT OF SPEED THAT I TOOK AT 16 YEARS
SPEED THAT I TOOK AT 16 YEARS OLD.
OLD. I HAD A WOMAN GIVE ME A HIT AT
I HAD A WOMAN GIVE ME A HIT AT SPEED.
SPEED. I WAS AT A RESTAURANT IN SOUTH
I WAS AT A RESTAURANT IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
CAROLINA. I REMEMBER THE FIRST JOINT I
I REMEMBER THE FIRST JOINT I SMOKED.
SMOKED. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I WAS
I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I WAS WHEN I DID *** THE FIRST
WHEN I DID *** THE FIRST TIME.
TIME. FOR YEARS I HATED THOSE
FOR YEARS I HATED THOSE PEOPLE, BECAUSE I FELT LIKE
PEOPLE, BECAUSE I FELT LIKE THEY WERE THE REASON THAT I
THEY WERE THE REASON THAT I WAS HOOKED AND I WAS IN THE
WAS HOOKED AND I WAS IN THE CONDITION THAT I WAS IN.
CONDITION THAT I WAS IN. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY WERE NOT TO BLAME.
THEY WERE NOT TO BLAME. IF THEY HADN'T HAD GIVEN ME
IF THEY HADN'T HAD GIVEN ME WHAT I WANTED I WOULD HAVE GOT
WHAT I WANTED I WOULD HAVE GOT IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE BLAME
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE BLAME THEIR PARENTS.
THEIR PARENTS. MY MOM OR DAD WAS AN
MY MOM OR DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS BORN IN THE
ALCOHOLIC, I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG FAMILY.
WRONG FAMILY. I WAS BORN THE WRONG COLOR.
I WAS BORN THE WRONG COLOR. I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG
I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD.
NEIGHBORHOOD. WE DO THAT, BUT IT DON'T WORK.
WE DO THAT, BUT IT DON'T WORK. WE HAD SOME GOOD TEEPERS.
WE HAD SOME GOOD TEEPERS. OUR MOMMY AND DADDY, ADAM AND
OUR MOMMY AND DADDY, ADAM AND EVE WHEN THEY SINNED AND FELL
EVE WHEN THEY SINNED AND FELL AND DISOBEYED GOD.
AND DISOBEYED GOD. THAT'S ALL THEY DID, DISOBEY
THAT'S ALL THEY DID, DISOBEY GOD.
GOD. THAT'S WHAT WE DID AND IT GOT
THAT'S WHAT WE DID AND IT GOT US IN TROUBLE.
US IN TROUBLE. WHEN GOD CAME IN THE GARDEN,
WHEN GOD CAME IN THE GARDEN, FIRST OF ALL THEY TOOK FROM
FIRST OF ALL THEY TOOK FROM THE TREE.
THE TREE. I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS STORY.
I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS STORY. THEY DID WHAT GOD TOLD THEM
THEY DID WHAT GOD TOLD THEM NOT TO DO.
NOT TO DO. THEY REALIZED THEY WERE NAKED
THEY REALIZED THEY WERE NAKED AND WHEN THEY HEARD GOD THEY
AND WHEN THEY HEARD GOD THEY RAN AND HID IN THE BUSHES.
RAN AND HID IN THE BUSHES. GOD SAID, WHERE ARE YOU?
GOD SAID, WHERE ARE YOU? ADAM SAID WE'RE HIDEING IN THE
ADAM SAID WE'RE HIDEING IN THE BUSHES BECAUSE WE'RE NAKED.
BUSHES BECAUSE WE'RE NAKED. WHO TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?
WHO TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED? DID YOU EAT OF THE TREE?
DID YOU EAT OF THE TREE? ADAM SAID YEAH THE WOMAN YOU
ADAM SAID YEAH THE WOMAN YOU GAVE ME GAVE IT TO ME.
GAVE ME GAVE IT TO ME. ADAM BLAMED THE WOMAN.
ADAM BLAMED THE WOMAN. SEE I UNDERSTAND THAT.
SEE I UNDERSTAND THAT. I USED TO SAY GOD IF YOU DON'T
I USED TO SAY GOD IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DRINK, WHY DO I
WANT ME TO DRINK, WHY DO I WANT TO DO DRINK?
WANT TO DO DRINK? YOU MADE ME.
YOU MADE ME. IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO
IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO DRUGS, WHY DO I DO DRUGS,
DRUGS, WHY DO I DO DRUGS, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. HE GAVE MANY A WILL.
HE GAVE MANY A WILL. HE GAVE ME A CHOICE.
HE GAVE ME A CHOICE. NOW ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WE
NOW ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WE HAVE HARMED AND ALL THE PEOPLE
HAVE HARMED AND ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN HURT, WE NEED
THAT HAVE BEEN HURT, WE NEED TO MAKE THAT LIST.
TO MAKE THAT LIST. WE NEED TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
WE NEED TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT TO BLAME.
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT TO BLAME. THE RESPONSIBILITY IS OURS.
THE RESPONSIBILITY IS OURS. WE MADE THE CHOICES OURSELVES.
WE MADE THE CHOICES OURSELVES. AND YOU KNOW THAT WHAT WE SOW
AND YOU KNOW THAT WHAT WE SOW WE'RE GOING TO REAP.
WE'RE GOING TO REAP. BLAMING OTHERS WON'T WORK.
BLAMING OTHERS WON'T WORK. SO MAKE YOUR LIST.
SO MAKE YOUR LIST. GET READY TO MAKE THOSE AMENDS
GET READY TO MAKE THOSE AMENDS BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU, LIFE
BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU, LIFE IS WONDERFUL.
IS WONDERFUL. YOU CAN LIVE A LIFE THAT'S
YOU CAN LIVE A LIFE THAT'S HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE IF YOU
HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE IF YOU WILL ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR
WILL ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS.
YOUR OWN ACTIONS. STOP BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE..
>> IS THERE A RELEASE IN YOU FORGIVING, WHEN YOU TALKED
FORGIVING, WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT ASKING GOD TO HELP YOU
ABOUT ASKING GOD TO HELP YOU FORGIVE OTHERS, WHAT HAPPENS
FORGIVE OTHERS, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT OCCURS?
WHEN THAT OCCURS? YOUR FORGIVENESS TO THEM.
YOUR FORGIVENESS TO THEM. >> WHAT HAPPENS IS I BECOME
>> WHAT HAPPENS IS I BECOME LESS JUDGMENTAL.
LESS JUDGMENTAL. I BECOME LESS CRITICAL.
I BECOME LESS CRITICAL. I BECOME MORE CAPABLE OF
I BECOME MORE CAPABLE OF LOVING OTHERS.
LOVING OTHERS. SEEING THE FLAWS IN MYSELF AND
SEEING THE FLAWS IN MYSELF AND KNOWING HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME
KNOWING HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME ALLOWS ME AS DALLAS SAID LAST
ALLOWS ME AS DALLAS SAID LAST WEEK, THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE
WEEK, THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THE LOVABLENESS OF OTHER
THE LOVABLENESS OF OTHER PEOPLE, DESPITE THEIR FLAWS.
PEOPLE, DESPITE THEIR FLAWS. >> THAT'S A REALLY GOOD
>> THAT'S A REALLY GOOD POINT, BECAUSE I THINK SO
POINT, BECAUSE I THINK SO OFTEN WE HAVE A HARD TIME
OFTEN WE HAVE A HARD TIME FORGIVING OTHERS OR LOVING
FORGIVING OTHERS OR LOVING OTHERS BECAUSE WE DON'T
OTHERS BECAUSE WE DON'T FORGIVE OURSELVES AND LOVE
FORGIVE OURSELVES AND LOVE OURSELVES, SO HOW CAN WE
OURSELVES, SO HOW CAN WE EXTEND SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T
EXTEND SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T EVEN EXHIBIT IN OUR OWN LIFE?
EVEN EXHIBIT IN OUR OWN LIFE? I THINK THAT'S A VERY
I THINK THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF IT, LEARNING
IMPORTANT PART OF IT, LEARNING THAT, UNDERSTANDING THAT GOD
THAT, UNDERSTANDING THAT GOD HAS FORGIVEN US, FORGIVING
HAS FORGIVEN US, FORGIVING OURSELVES AND LOVING OURSELVES
OURSELVES AND LOVING OURSELVES IN SPITE OF OUR FLAWS, FREES
IN SPITE OF OUR FLAWS, FREES US TO LOVE OTHERS.
US TO LOVE OTHERS. AS WE LOVE OTHERS WE WANT TO
AS WE LOVE OTHERS WE WANT TO STEP BACK FROM THINGS WE'RE
STEP BACK FROM THINGS WE'RE DOING THAT HURT THEM TOO.
DOING THAT HURT THEM TOO. SO IT'S KIND OF A CYCLE THAT
SO IT'S KIND OF A CYCLE THAT JUST KEEPS GOING, YOU KNOW.
JUST KEEPS GOING, YOU KNOW. >> I THINK PART OF PATHOLOGY
>> I THINK PART OF PATHOLOGY FOR ME, SEE I CAN BLAME MY
FOR ME, SEE I CAN BLAME MY WIFE.
WIFE. I COULD COME HOME AND SUPPER
I COULD COME HOME AND SUPPER WASN'T READY. I'M GOING DOWN
WASN'T READY. I'M GOING DOWN TO THE CASINO AND EAT THEN.
TO THE CASINO AND EAT THEN. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL HAVE IT
MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL HAVE IT READY.
READY. SHE'S THINKING NEXT TIME IF I
SHE'S THINKING NEXT TIME IF I HAVE MY SUPPER ON TIME I'LL GO
HAVE MY SUPPER ON TIME I'LL GO GAMBLE.
GAMBLE. NEXT TIME SHE HAS IT READY ON
NEXT TIME SHE HAS IT READY ON TIME AND I SAY I DON'T WANT IT
TIME AND I SAY I DON'T WANT IT RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO GO GAMBLE.
I WANT TO GO GAMBLE. NO WAY TO WIN.
NO WAY TO WIN. BUT I PUT THE BLAME ON HER.
BUT I PUT THE BLAME ON HER. IF YOU HADN'T PICKED THE
IF YOU HADN'T PICKED THE ARGUMENT OR PUT THE BILLS IN
ARGUMENT OR PUT THE BILLS IN MY FACE I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE.
MY FACE I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE. I FEEL GREAT SHAME FOR LETTING
I FEEL GREAT SHAME FOR LETTING HER TAKE THE BLAME.
HER TAKE THE BLAME. I LAID IT ON HER.
I LAID IT ON HER. >> AND ANNA, YOU TALKED ABOUT
>> AND ANNA, YOU TALKED ABOUT THE CO-DEPENDENT FAMILY.
THE CO-DEPENDENT FAMILY. >> DEFINITELY.
>> DEFINITELY. WHAT YOU SAID TOO, I WANT TO
WHAT YOU SAID TOO, I WANT TO BRING MY DAUGHTER IN THIS.
BRING MY DAUGHTER IN THIS. SHE WAS ASKED TO WRITE HER
SHE WAS ASKED TO WRITE HER TESTIMONY BEFORE HER MOTHER'S
TESTIMONY BEFORE HER MOTHER'S ADDICTION BEFORE AND AFTER.
ADDICTION BEFORE AND AFTER. ONE OF THE THINGS SHE WROTE,
ONE OF THE THINGS SHE WROTE, BEFORE HER MOTHER'S RECOVERY,
BEFORE HER MOTHER'S RECOVERY, SHE WROTE MY LIFE WAS VERY
SHE WROTE MY LIFE WAS VERY SAD.
SAD. MY DAUGHTER IS ELEVEN YEARS
MY DAUGHTER IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD.
OLD. SHE SAID, I FELT TORN.
SHE SAID, I FELT TORN. SHE SAID, I FELT TORN BECAUSE
SHE SAID, I FELT TORN BECAUSE I WOULD SEE MY MOM DOING
I WOULD SEE MY MOM DOING THINGS THAT SHE WASN'T SUPPOSE
THINGS THAT SHE WASN'T SUPPOSE TO DO THAT I HAD LEARNED IN
TO DO THAT I HAD LEARNED IN CHURCH OR MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD
CHURCH OR MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME WAS WRONG.
ME WAS WRONG. AND I WOULD TELL MY MOTHER.
AND I WOULD TELL MY MOTHER. AND MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, I
AND MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, I DON'T CARE.
DON'T CARE. AND THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING
AND THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO ACCEPT.
FOR ME TO ACCEPT. I HAD TO, I COULDN'T ACCEPT
I HAD TO, I COULDN'T ACCEPT BLAME.
BLAME. MY MIDDLE NAME WAS
MY MIDDLE NAME WAS JUSTIFICATION.
JUSTIFICATION. I WAS ONLY ONE PERCENT WRONG
I WAS ONLY ONE PERCENT WRONG AND YOU WERE 99 PERCENT WRONG
AND YOU WERE 99 PERCENT WRONG WHICH MEANS I WASN'T WRONG AT
WHICH MEANS I WASN'T WRONG AT ALL.
ALL. I WENT THROUGH THAT LONG
I WENT THROUGH THAT LONG BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET TO THE
BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET TO THE POINT OF FORGIVENESS AND
POINT OF FORGIVENESS AND RECOGNIZING THAT I WAS JUDGING
RECOGNIZING THAT I WAS JUDGING OTHERS BUT NOT MYSELF.
OTHERS BUT NOT MYSELF. THAT WAS A BIG POINT FOR ME.
THAT WAS A BIG POINT FOR ME. IT WAS SO HARD.
IT WAS SO HARD. I DIDN'T ABUSE MY DAUGHTER.
I DIDN'T ABUSE MY DAUGHTER. I DID NOT.
I DID NOT. I DID NOT LOCK HER IN A CLOSET
I DID NOT LOCK HER IN A CLOSET OR STICK HER WITH CIGARETTES I
OR STICK HER WITH CIGARETTES I JUST NEGLECTED HER.
JUST NEGLECTED HER. I WASN'T THERE FOR HER AND
I WASN'T THERE FOR HER AND DISAPPEARED FOR THREE WEEKS AT
DISAPPEARED FOR THREE WEEKS AT A TIME AND SHE DIDN'T KNOW
A TIME AND SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS.
WHERE I WAS. I DIDN'T SEE TO HER PERSONAL
I DIDN'T SEE TO HER PERSONAL NEEDS.
NEEDS. IT WAS A LONG TIME BEFORE I
IT WAS A LONG TIME BEFORE I COULD ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
COULD ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT.
FOR THAT. AND I'M JUSTIFYING ALL OF IT
AND I'M JUSTIFYING ALL OF IT IN THE MEANTIME AND I'M
IN THE MEANTIME AND I'M SUPPOSE TO LOOK AT MYSELF AND
SUPPOSE TO LOOK AT MYSELF AND ACCEPT BLAME.
ACCEPT BLAME. IT TOOK A WHILE TO ACTUALLY
IT TOOK A WHILE TO ACTUALLY GET TO THAT PART.
GET TO THAT PART. LET ALONE THE OTHER
LET ALONE THE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, YOU KNOW, AND
RELATIONSHIPS, YOU KNOW, AND MY CO-DEPENDENT FAMILY IT WAS
MY CO-DEPENDENT FAMILY IT WAS EVERYBODY'S FAULT.
EVERYBODY'S FAULT. IT WAS.
IT WAS. I CAME IN WITH THE TREATMENT
I CAME IN WITH THE TREATMENT PLAN.
PLAN. AND THE MAJORITY OF MY PROBLEM
AND THE MAJORITY OF MY PROBLEM WAS THE ENVIRONMENT I WAS
WAS THE ENVIRONMENT I WAS RAISED IN.
RAISED IN. I SEEN IT ON TELEVISION.
I SEEN IT ON TELEVISION. I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME
I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME AND WHO DID IT.
AND WHO DID IT. IT WAS A WRONG ROAD TO
IT WAS A WRONG ROAD TO REALIZATION THAT I WAS
REALIZATION THAT I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS,
RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS, THAT I HAD TO ACCEPT BLAME AND
THAT I HAD TO ACCEPT BLAME AND FORGIVE PEOPLE FOR BEING HUMAN
FORGIVE PEOPLE FOR BEING HUMAN BEINGS.
BEINGS. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT, I'M NOT
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT, I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT ISSUES OF
EVEN TALKING ABOUT ISSUES OF ABUSE OR NEGLECT, BUT I WAS
ABUSE OR NEGLECT, BUT I WAS BLAMING PEOPLE, LIKE I SAID,
BLAMING PEOPLE, LIKE I SAID, BECAUSE MY LIFE WASN'T THE
BECAUSE MY LIFE WASN'T THE BRAY DEE BUNCH AND I WASN'T A
BRAY DEE BUNCH AND I WASN'T A PRINCESS IN A WHITE TOWER AND
PRINCESS IN A WHITE TOWER AND IT WAS ALL OF OUR FAULT.
IT WAS ALL OF OUR FAULT. I HAD SUCH A BIG CYCLE OF
I HAD SUCH A BIG CYCLE OF LYING TO MYSELF.
LYING TO MYSELF. IT TOOK A LOT TO GET THROUGH
IT TOOK A LOT TO GET THROUGH THOSE LAYERS.
THOSE LAYERS. >> ANNIE IF I HAD HEARD YOU
>> ANNIE IF I HAD HEARD YOU TALKING 20 YEARS AGO AND
TALKING 20 YEARS AGO AND SAYING THIS I WOULD HAVE RAN
SAYING THIS I WOULD HAVE RAN OUT OF THE ROOM.
OUT OF THE ROOM. WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT ACCEPTING
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY THAT BLOWS THE
RESPONSIBILITY THAT BLOWS THE VICTIM'S STATUS.
VICTIM'S STATUS. IT'S TRUE, SCRATCH THE SURFACE
IT'S TRUE, SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF AN ADDICT AND YOU FIND A
OF AN ADDICT AND YOU FIND A PROFESSIONAL VICTIM.
PROFESSIONAL VICTIM. I WAS SO INVESTED IN MY DEEPLY
I WAS SO INVESTED IN MY DEEPLY INGRAINED BELIEF I WAS A VERY
INGRAINED BELIEF I WAS A VERY GOOD PERSON WHO WAS TERRIBLY
GOOD PERSON WHO WAS TERRIBLY MISUNDERSTOOD AND WAS TERRIBLY
MISUNDERSTOOD AND WAS TERRIBLY WRONGED AND THE VICTIM CAN'T
WRONGED AND THE VICTIM CAN'T DO WRONG, AS SOON AS THE
DO WRONG, AS SOON AS THE VICTIM DOES WRONG HE LOSES HIS
VICTIM DOES WRONG HE LOSES HIS VICTIM HOOD SO THE LAST THING
VICTIM HOOD SO THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS LOOK AT THE
I WANTED TO DO WAS LOOK AT THE WRONG I DID TO OTHER PEOPLE
WRONG I DID TO OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE THEM
BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE THEM VICTIMS AND THERE WAS ONLY
VICTIMS AND THERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE VICTIM, ME.
ROOM FOR ONE VICTIM, ME. THAT'S WHAT KEPT ME FOR SO
THAT'S WHAT KEPT ME FOR SO MANY YEARS LOOKING AT THE
MANY YEARS LOOKING AT THE DAMAGE I DID TO OTHER PEOPLE
DAMAGE I DID TO OTHER PEOPLE IS LOSING MY STATUS AS A
IS LOSING MY STATUS AS A WRONGED PERSON.
WRONGED PERSON. >> IN LINE WITH THAT, WHAT WE
>> IN LINE WITH THAT, WHAT WE OFTEN DO THEN IS WE FEEL
OFTEN DO THEN IS WE FEEL PERSECUTED BY THIS PERSON
PERSECUTED BY THIS PERSON THAT'S GETTING ON AND TELLING
THAT'S GETTING ON AND TELLING US THE TRUTH, SO WE GET A
US THE TRUTH, SO WE GET A RESCUER TO AGREE WITH OUR
RESCUER TO AGREE WITH OUR POINT OF VIEW.
POINT OF VIEW. >> THAT'S OUR DEFINITION OF
>> THAT'S OUR DEFINITION OF LOVE.
LOVE. >> I GREW UP IN A CHRISTIAN
>> I GREW UP IN A CHRISTIAN HOME.
HOME. AS I GOT INTO HIGH SCHOOL I
AS I GOT INTO HIGH SCHOOL I MADE SOME FRIENDS, GOOD
MADE SOME FRIENDS, GOOD FRIENDS.
FRIENDS. BUT THEY WERE A BAD INFLUENCE.
BUT THEY WERE A BAD INFLUENCE. GOT INTO ALCOHOL.
GOT INTO ALCOHOL. BY NINTH GRADE.
BY NINTH GRADE. AND THAT'S SORT OF WHERE I WAS
AND THAT'S SORT OF WHERE I WAS FIRST INTRODUCED TO
FIRST INTRODUCED TO ***.
***. I WAS ABLE TO ACTUALLY GET
I WAS ABLE TO ACTUALLY GET AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOL, BUT I
AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOL, BUT I NEVER GOT AWAY FROM THE
NEVER GOT AWAY FROM THE ***.
***. I THOUGHT GETTING MARRIED
I THOUGHT GETTING MARRIED WOULD SOLVE MY PROBLEMS IN
WOULD SOLVE MY PROBLEMS IN THAT AREA.
THAT AREA. AND I LEARNED EARLY IN OUR
AND I LEARNED EARLY IN OUR MARRIAGE IT DIDN'T SOLVE THE
MARRIAGE IT DIDN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEMS.
PROBLEMS. AND IT BECAME MORE AND MORE OF
AND IT BECAME MORE AND MORE OF AN OBSESSION.
AN OBSESSION. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN JUST ONCE
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN JUST ONCE A WEEK.
A WEEK. IT WOULD HAPPEN TWO OR THREE
IT WOULD HAPPEN TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK.
TIMES A WEEK. THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TO FLIRT
THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TO FLIRT WITH THE IDEA OF GOING TO
WITH THE IDEA OF GOING TO STRIP CLUBS AND BEGAN TO GO TO
STRIP CLUBS AND BEGAN TO GO TO MASSAGE PARLORS TO SEE
MASSAGE PARLORS TO SEE PROSTITUTES.
PROSTITUTES. ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO MY WIFE
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO MY WIFE BECAME PREGNANT.
BECAME PREGNANT. SHE WENT TO FULL TERM WITH OUR
SHE WENT TO FULL TERM WITH OUR BABY.
BABY. WE GOT THE NURSERY ALL READY.
WE GOT THE NURSERY ALL READY. AND THE TIME CAME WHEN MY WIFE
AND THE TIME CAME WHEN MY WIFE WENT INTO LABOR.
WENT INTO LABOR. AND WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.
AND WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. AND THEY WENT TO CHECK FOR THE
AND THEY WENT TO CHECK FOR THE BABY'S HEARTBEAT, AND IT
BABY'S HEARTBEAT, AND IT WASN'T THERE.
WASN'T THERE. SO THE BABY DIED THAT DAY.
SO THE BABY DIED THAT DAY. AND THAT WAS REALLY THE TIME
AND THAT WAS REALLY THE TIME WHERE THINGS IN MY LIFE BEGAN
WHERE THINGS IN MY LIFE BEGAN TO SHAKE AND GO OUT OF
TO SHAKE AND GO OUT OF CONTROL.
CONTROL. I KNEW IT WAS, IN A WAY, GOD
I KNEW IT WAS, IN A WAY, GOD TELLING ME, YOU CAN'T CONTINUE
TELLING ME, YOU CAN'T CONTINUE ON GOING THIS WAY.
ON GOING THIS WAY. AND THEN THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED
AND THEN THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED TO TELL HER EVERYTHING THAT I
TO TELL HER EVERYTHING THAT I HAD DONE.
HAD DONE. SHORTLY THERE AFTER, I
SHORTLY THERE AFTER, I CONFESSED TO MY PARENTS AND TO
CONFESSED TO MY PARENTS AND TO HER PARENTS, A WEEK LATER I
HER PARENTS, A WEEK LATER I CONFESSED TO MY CHURCH.
CONFESSED TO MY CHURCH. MY COUNLOR TOLD ME TO STAY
MY COUNLOR TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY FROM GUILT.
AWAY FROM GUILT. SOME GUILT IS GOOD.
SOME GUILT IS GOOD. BUT RIGHT NOW GUILT FOR ME
BUT RIGHT NOW GUILT FOR ME WOULD JUST PULL ME BACK TO THE
WOULD JUST PULL ME BACK TO THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE.
WAY I LIVED MY LIFE. I'VE GONE TODAY WITHOUT
I'VE GONE TODAY WITHOUT TURNING TOWARDS ***.
TURNING TOWARDS ***. AND I LOOK TO THAT AS A
AND I LOOK TO THAT AS A VICTORY.
VICTORY. SO I DO THAT EVERY DAY, TRY TO
SO I DO THAT EVERY DAY, TRY TO LOOK AT THE THINGS I'M DOING
LOOK AT THE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT.
RIGHT. AND I TALK ABOUT THAT WITH MY
AND I TALK ABOUT THAT WITH MY ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER.
ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER. AND IT HELPS ME OUT.
AND IT HELPS ME OUT. >> WELL FOR THE LAST FEW
>> WELL FOR THE LAST FEW MINUTES WE HAVE SEEN SOME
MINUTES WE HAVE SEEN SOME PEOPLE OPEN THEIR HEARTS TO US
PEOPLE OPEN THEIR HEARTS TO US AND GET REAL AND ACCEPT
AND GET REAL AND ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY.
RESPONSIBILITY. NOT AN EASY THING TO DO,
NOT AN EASY THING TO DO, BECAUSE ALL OF OUR LIFE ALL
BECAUSE ALL OF OUR LIFE ALL WE'VE EVER DONE IS BLAME
WE'VE EVER DONE IS BLAME OTHERS.
OTHERS. IT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME,
IT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME, IT'S WHAT THEY DID TO ME, IT
IT'S WHAT THEY DID TO ME, IT WAS THE WAY I WAS TREATED,
WAS THE WAY I WAS TREATED, IT'S THE FAMILY I WAS BORN IN.
IT'S THE FAMILY I WAS BORN IN. THE LIST GOES ON.
THE LIST GOES ON. YOU'VE SEEN AND HEARD THAT.
YOU'VE SEEN AND HEARD THAT. DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME WE
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME WE STOP DOING THAT?
STOP DOING THAT? YOU AND I STOP DOING THAT, AND
YOU AND I STOP DOING THAT, AND FIND OUT WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM
FIND OUT WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM IS.
IS. WE WANT TO MAKE A LIST OF ALL
WE WANT TO MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE PERSON'S WE'VE HARMED AND
THE PERSON'S WE'VE HARMED AND MAKE AMENDS TO THEM, BECAUSE
MAKE AMENDS TO THEM, BECAUSE WE WERE THE ONES AT FAULT.
WE WERE THE ONES AT FAULT. WE NEED HELP.
WE NEED HELP. AND THAT HELP IS AVAILABLE.
AND THAT HELP IS AVAILABLE. YOU AND I HAVE NO POWER OVER
YOU AND I HAVE NO POWER OVER ANYTHING OR ANYBODY, BUT
ANYTHING OR ANYBODY, BUT THERE'S ONE THAT'S
THERE'S ONE THAT'S ALL-POWERFUL.
ALL-POWERFUL. IF WE TRUST IN HIM, WE ALREADY
IF WE TRUST IN HIM, WE ALREADY KNOW HE WILL HELP US DO THINGS
KNOW HE WILL HELP US DO THINGS WE'RE NOT CAPABLE OF DOING
WE'RE NOT CAPABLE OF DOING OURSELVES.
OURSELVES. PRAY TOGETHER.
PRAY TOGETHER. YOU PRAY FOR ME I'LL HAVE
YOU PRAY FOR ME I'LL HAVE COURAGE TO ACCEPT
COURAGE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE THE
RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE THE LIST.
LIST. LET'S PRAY.
LET'S PRAY. FATHER, I THANK YOU TODAY FOR
FATHER, I THANK YOU TODAY FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN HONEST
PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN HONEST AND WILLING TO EXPOSE
AND WILLING TO EXPOSE THEMSELVES AND ACCEPT
THEMSELVES AND ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY.
RESPONSIBILITY. HELP US TO DO THAT.
HELP US TO DO THAT. I ASK THAT IN JESUS' NAME,
I ASK THAT IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN.
AMEN. WON'T YOU GET A PIECE OF PAPER
WON'T YOU GET A PIECE OF PAPER RIGHT NOW AND A PENCIL OR PEN,
RIGHT NOW AND A PENCIL OR PEN, WRITE DOWN THE PEOPLE YOU'VE
WRITE DOWN THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HARMED.
HARMED. BECAUSE NEXT WEEK WE'RE GOING
BECAUSE NEXT WEEK WE'RE GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH
TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
IT. AND I PROMISE YOU WONDERFUL
AND I PROMISE YOU WONDERFUL THINGS WILL HAPPEN IF YOU
THINGS WILL HAPPEN IF YOU FOLLOW THESE FEW SIMPLE
FOLLOW THESE FEW SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS.
SUGGESTIONS. I LOá YOU.
I LOá YOU. AND REMEMBER THIS.
AND REMEMBER THIS. WE WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
WE WERE BORN TO BE FREE. >> HAVE YOU BEEN INSPIRED TO
>> HAVE YOU BEEN INSPIRED TO START YOUR JOURNEY TO
START YOUR JOURNEY TO RECOVERY?
RECOVERY? PLEASE CALL OUR TOLL-FREE
PLEASE CALL OUR TOLL-FREE NUMBER.
NUMBER. 1-888-665-4483.
1-888-665-4483. AND OUR PRAYER PARTNERS CAN
AND OUR PRAYER PARTNERS CAN HELP YOU FIND A GROUP IN YOUR
HELP YOU FIND A GROUP IN YOUR AREA.
AREA. OR YOU CAN VISIT OUR WEBSITE.
OR YOU CAN VISIT OUR WEBSITE. CLICK ON THE BORN TO BE FREE.
CLICK ON THE BORN TO BE FREE. THERE YOU CAN SEARCH OUR
THERE YOU CAN SEARCH OUR ONLINE DATA BASE OF RECOVER
ONLINE DATA BASE OF RECOVER GROUPS NEAR YOU.
GROUPS NEAR YOU. WHEN YOU CALL OR VISIT OUR
WHEN YOU CALL OR VISIT OUR WEBSITE, REQUEST OUR FREE COPY
WEBSITE, REQUEST OUR FREE COPY OF THE SELF HELP BOOKLET YOU
OF THE SELF HELP BOOKLET YOU ARE YOUR DYNAMIC JOURNEY TO
ARE YOUR DYNAMIC JOURNEY TO FREEDOM.
FREEDOM. IN IT YOU'LL FIND AN OUTLINE
IN IT YOU'LL FIND AN OUTLINE OF THE RECOVERY PROCESS
OF THE RECOVERY PROCESS FEATURED IN THIS SERIES.
FEATURED IN THIS SERIES. CONTACT US AND FIND A LOCAL
CONTACT US AND FIND A LOCAL RECOVERY GROUP AND GET YOUR
RECOVERY GROUP AND GET YOUR FREE COPY OF THIS INSPIRING
FREE COPY OF THIS INSPIRING BOOKLET.
BOOKLET. CALL NOW.
CALL NOW. BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN TO BE
BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
FREE. >> WHEN I SAY I'M WRONG, I
>> WHEN I SAY I'M WRONG, I IMPLY MORAL JUDGMENT.
IMPLY MORAL JUDGMENT. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE IF YOU
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE IF YOU SHOW UP LATE.
SHOW UP LATE. BUT YOU KNOW, NOT NECESSARILY,
BUT YOU KNOW, NOT NECESSARILY, YOU'RE NOT NECESSARILY WRONG
YOU'RE NOT NECESSARILY WRONG BUT MOST OF THE TIME I TOLD
BUT MOST OF THE TIME I TOLD KAREN I WAS WRONG.
KAREN I WAS WRONG. >> I DROVE AROUND IN MY CAR.
>> I DROVE AROUND IN MY CAR. I MADE AMENDS WITH PEOPLE I
I MADE AMENDS WITH PEOPLE I HAD OFFENDED AND THOUGHT I
HAD OFFENDED AND THOUGHT I COULD NEVER TALK TO AGAIN.
COULD NEVER TALK TO AGAIN. I CALLED THEM AND CRIED AND I
I CALLED THEM AND CRIED AND I APOLOGIZED.
APOLOGIZED. ¶AMAZING GRACE.
¶AMAZING GRACE. HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
HOW SWEET THE SOUND. ¶ I ONCE WAS BOUND, BUT NOW
¶ I ONCE WAS BOUND, BUT NOW I'M FREE.
I'M FREE. >> IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR
>> IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S
ME TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S FORGIVENESS.
FORGIVENESS. I DON'T SEE OTHER PEOPLE IN
I DON'T SEE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD FORGIVING THE WAY
THE WORLD FORGIVING THE WAY THAT GOD FORGIVES.
THAT GOD FORGIVES. IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO
IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND.
UNDERSTAND. >> I TRIED TO STOP.
>> I TRIED TO STOP. I TRIED TO GET HELP.
I TRIED TO GET HELP. I TRIED TO GO THROUGH
I TRIED TO GO THROUGH COUNSELING, SECULAR
COUNSELING, SECULAR COUNSELING, HUMANISM, BEING IN
COUNSELING, HUMANISM, BEING IN PROGRAMS.
PROGRAMS. THAT DIDN'T WORK.
THAT DIDN'T WORK. PEOPLE WOULD TALK TO ME AND IT
PEOPLE WOULD TALK TO ME AND IT DIDN'T WORK.
DIDN'T WORK. BUT GOD BROKE THAT CURSE.
BUT GOD BROKE THAT CURSE. AND BY GOD BREAKING THAT CURSE
AND BY GOD BREAKING THAT CURSE NOW, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO
NOW, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO FORWARD IN LIFE.
GO FORWARD IN LIFE. AND I HAVE THE