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1. "The Truth"
PATRICK
The all-revealing truth!
BELLE
The mass-appealing truth!
PATRICK
The blood-congealing truth!
BELLE
The irregardless truth!
ALL
The truth!
BELLE
As through a haze,
I see a Doubleday's,
And shining in a window full of Arthur Miller plays:
The truth!
OTHERS
The truth!
BELLE
An odyssey
Entitled "Little Me,"
As told to Patrick Dennis in its whole entirety
By me!
OTHERS
The truth!
BELLE
All hail to "Little Me,"
The book that's bound to be
Prohibited from passing through the mail,
But nonetheless on sale throughout the land
And printed by demand
In Esperanto, Japanese and Braille!
OTHERS
The truth!
BELLE
With the areas I'll expose,
I'll annihilate Gypsy Rose,
As for practically Proustian prose,
Mary Astor,
Meet your master.
Stack me up with all three Gabors,
I'll reduce 'em to cut-rate stores,
And Louella, dear, you'll get yours
With the end-all,
Casey Stendahl
Truth!
OTHERS
Truth! Truth! Truth!
The D.H. Lawrence truth!
BELLE
With an index!
OTHERS
In blood and torrents, truth!
PATRICK
Illustrations!
BUTLER
The plain plebeian truth!
OTHERS
Inspirational!
PATRICK
The Brendan Behan truth!
OTHERS
Educational!
In black and white, the truth!
BUTLER
Do you mean it?
BELLE
You're damn well right, the truth!
PATRICK
In the language of Thoreau,
Rousseau...
BELLE
And Harriet Beecher Stowe...
ALL
For God and home and underprivileged youth,
The truth! The truth! The truth! The truth!
2. "The Other Side of the Tracks"
BELLE
But my heart says "Reach for the stars,"
And my heart I cannot deny,
Though it's my hard luck
That I'm sort of stuck
On the farthest one in the sky.
So my eyes are destined to wander,
And my brain no more to relax,
'Cause there's nothing farther out yonder
Than the other side of the tracks.
On the other side of the tracks,
It's a long and difficult climb,
But the air up there
On the bill of fare
Is a choice of lemon or lime.
And the muscles keeping your nose up
Are the only muscles you tax.
Oh, I envy someone who grows up
On the other side of the tracks.
3. "I Love You"
NOBLE
I love you,
As much as I am able,
Considering I'm wealthy,
Considering you're poor.
BELLE
That's very nice, because I love you.
CHORUS
She loves you, she loves you, she loves you...
NOBLE
I know it.
BELLE
As much as I am able,
Considering your mother
Considers me a boor.
My passion will endure for you.
NOBLE
And I will always love you.
BELLE
My heart I'll keep secure for you.
NOBLE
Though other girls are so far above you.
To show you
I am democratic,
Considering you're riff-raff
And I am well-to-do,
As Noble
And worthy of the label...
NOBLE & BELLE
As much as I am able,
I love you!
4. "On the Other Side of the Tracks" (reprise)
BELLE
On the other side of the tracks,
That is where I'm going to be.
On the other side
Of that great divide
Between fame and fortune and me.
Gonna put my shadows behind me,
Give my inhibitions the ax,
And tomorrow morning you'll find me
On the other side of the tracks.
On the other side of the tracks,
Where the life is fancy and free,
Gonna sit and fan
On my fat divan
While the butler buttles the tea.
But for now I'm facing the fences,
And I can't afford to relax,
'Cause the whole caboodle commences
On the other side of the tracks.
So I'm off and running
Over the rail,
I'm going gunning
After the quail.
Off and running,
Send me my mail
To that great big world on the other side,
The great big world on the farther side,
The great big world on the other side of the tracks,
To that great big world
That'll open wide,
To the great big world
On the other side
Of the tracks.
5. "Deep Down Inside"
BELLE
Somewhere, there's a darn nice fella
Deep down inside.
PINCHLEY
Deep down inside?
BELLE
Deep down in the old sub-cella'.
Somewhere, though I think he fell a-
Sleep down inside,
Deep down, dig-a, dig-a-,
Deep down inside.
PINCHLEY
Sometimes I am darn near human
Deep down inside.
BELLE
Deep down inside.
PINCHLEY
Deep down where the bass is boomin'.
Sometimes, gotta take that broom n'
Sweep down inside,
Sweep down, dig-a, dig-a-,
Deep down inside.
BELLE & PINCHLEY
No man is a true pariah
Deep down inside,
Deep down inside,
Deep down in the old spare tiah.
No man is a true Uriah
Heep down inside,
There's a lover that you just can't keep down,
Deep down inside.
Deep down inside.
BELLE: We found it, Mr. Pinchley! We found that little
bit of good in you!
PINCHLEY: Do you think other people would like me?
BELLE: Try it and see.
PINCHLEY: All right, I will. Junior!!!
JUNIOR: Did you scream, father?
PINCHLEY: Junior, how about you and me going out and
having dinner together sometime?
JUNIOR: Oh, Daddy!
PINCHLEY: He called me Daddy!
BELLE: He likes you.
PINCHLEY: And I don't even like him!
JUNIOR
In even the worst of varmints,
You'll find a good deed,
Down under the outer garments
Of malice and greed.
PINCHLEY
That little gold streak is shinin',
Believe it or not.
BELLE, PINCHLEY, JUNIOR
That is, if you don't mind minin'
Till you hit rock bottom.
JUNIOR
Strip down...
BELLE
Rip down...
PINCHLEY
Meet a real pip down...
BELLE
Deep down, deep down...
PINCHLEY
Inside.
BELLE
Deep down, deep down...
PINCHLEY
Inside.
JUNIOR
Slip down...
BELLE
Zip down...
PINCHLEY
Make a little trip down...
BELLE
Go down...
JUNIOR
Low down...
PINCHLEY
Meet a good Joe down...
ALL
Under your hide.
On that shovel get a real good grip
And dip down in...
Dip down in...
Dip down inside.
PEOPLE
Three cheers for Pinchley!
He's true blue!
We knew evinch'ly
He'd come through!
'Cause Pinchley is a real nice human
Deep down inside,
Deep down inside...
PINCHLEY
Deep down there's a violet bloomin'.
PEOPLE
Pinchley ain't a low inhuman
Creep down inside.
He's a fella with a heart that big,
All you gotta do is dig, dig, dig.
Snoop down...
Stoop down...
Get the real poop down...
Deep down, deep down...
Down where?
Deep down, deep down...
Right there!
Scoop down...
Troop down...
Bring a little group down.
Get down...
Set down...
Meet a good bet down
Under your hide.
(Don't let down!)
Then rise up and give a hip, hip, hip, hip...
Three cheers for Pinchley!
He's okay!
We know essinch'ly
He's Grade-A!
'Cause no man is a mean old geezer
Clear down inside,
(No mean geezer!)
Peer down inside,
(He's a pleaser!)
Clear down in the geezer freezer.
No man can deny that he's a
Dear down inside.
PINCHLEY
Dear miss Schlumpfert,
You've been such a comfort!
PEOPLE
Deep, deep, deep down,
Deep down inside!
In even the worst of varmints,
You'll find a good deed,
Down under the outer garments
Of malice and greed.
That little gold streak is shinin',
Believe it or not.
That is, if you don't mind minin'
Till you hit rock bottom.
6. "Be a Performer!"
BERNIE, BENNY
So resulting from a few illegal capers
You are starring in the papers.
Just go over with the jury and in jig time
Join the Buxbaums in the big time!
So you'll try a little trill from Traviata.
La la la, la la la...
BELLE [off-key]
La la la! La la la!
BERNIE, BENNY
So it's not your style sonata.
When a girl has got what you have got a lotta...
You know what you've got?
You've got something hot!
BERNIE, BENNY (alternating)
So here's a good tiding,
If men you are killing,
A talent you're hiding
To be a performer,
So be a performer,
And soon you'll be riding,
If God should be willing,
The crest of your life.
You ain't a Pavlova,
An Eleanor Duse,
But looking you over,
You'll be a performer,
You'll be a performer,
A lollapalooza,
And rolling in clover,
Just pass the test of your life!
So up the river they would send you,
But with Mother Nature helping to defend you,
Who could send you very far,
Sobbing in a dress that clings to all the things you
are?
So listen to Bernie
And listen to Benny,
Forget the attorney
And be a performer,
And be a performer,
We mean a performer,
Unless you, God forbid,
Get hung for what you did,
Oh, oh, you naughty kid.
Just fulfill this small
Request of your life!
You'll be thankful all
The rest of your long and healthy, knock wood, life!
7. "Dimples"
BELLE
Oh! Dem doggone dimples!
Oh! Dey did it again!
Tell me why a little indentation
Should start a criminal investigation?
Oh! Dem doggone dimples!
If I ever go to da pen,
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dey did it again!
BOYS
At eighty-eight, he seemed the fatherly kind.
You wouldn't think that it would enter his mind.
But sure enough, his shining armor corroded,
And she expressed it when the gun exploded.
BELLE
Oh! Dem doggone dimples!
Oh! I never know when...
ALL
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dey'll do it again!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dey did it a...
Dey did it a...
Dey did it again!
8. "Boom-Boom"
VAL
Poor Pierrot, I hear him yet
In pursuit of his Pierette,
With the same old urgent message to impart.
What it was, she never found out,
For the point was always drowned out
By the violent cannonading of his heart.
Boom-boom!
He'd say "Pierette..."
And clear his throat.
"Lest we forget..."
And here I quote:
If the girl... (boom-boom!)
And the boy... (boom-boom!)
And they get together and they both... (boom-boom!)
C'est la grande... (boom-boom!)
Et la grande... (boom-boom!)
That's the one... (boom-boom!) ...for me.
Oh, a stray... (boom-boom!)
Occasionally may
Prove a gay... (boom-boom!)
And carry you away.
But the prime... (boom-boom!)
That's sublime... (boom-boom!)
Won't be true,
Not if you
All the time... (boom-boom!)
What I mean is, ma cherie,
Save la grande... (boom-boom!) ...for me.
VAL & CHORUS
Oh, a stray... (boom-boom!)
Occasionally may
Prove a gay... (boom-boom!)
And carry you away.
But the dream... (boom-boom!)
That's supreme... (boom-boom!)
Is for two
People who
Like a team... (boom-boom!)
What I mean is, ma cherie,
Save la grande... (boom-boom!) ...for me.
9. "I've Got Your Number"
GEORGE
You've got no time for me.
You've got big things to do.
Well, my sweet chickadee,
I've got hot news for you:
I've got your number,
I know you inside out,
You ain't no Eagle Scout,
You're all at sea.
Oh yes, you brag a lot,
Wave your own flag a lot,
But you're unsure a lot,
You're a lot
Like me.
Oh, I've got your number
And what you're looking for,
And what you're looking for
Just suits me fine.
We'll break those rules a lot,
We'll be damn fools a lot,
But then, why should we not,
How could we not
Combine
When I've got your number
And I've got the glow you've got,
I've got your number
And, baby, you know you've got
Mine!
10. "Real Live Girl"
FRED
Pardon me, miss, but I've never done this
With a real live girl.
Straight off the farm with an actual arm
Full of real live girl.
Pardon me if your affectionate squeeze
Fogs up my glasses and buckles my knees,
I'm simply drowned in the sight and the sound
And the scent and the feel
Of a real live girl.
11. "Real Live Girl" (reprise)
SOLDIERS
Nothing can beat getting swept off your feet
By a real live girl.
Dreams in your bunk don't compare with a hunk
Of a real live girl.
Speaking of miracles, this must be it;
Just when I started to learn how to knit.
I'm all in stitches from finding what riches
A waltz can reveal
With a real live girl.
[Whistle]
Real live girl.
[Whistle]
Real live girl.
I've seen photographs and facsimiles
That have set my head off in a whirl,
But no work of art gets you right in the heart
Like a real live girl.
Take your statues of Juno,
And the Venus de My-lo.
(Me-lo.)
When a fellow wants you-know,
(We know.)
Who wants substitutes? I'll o-
Verlook everyone in the book
For a real
Sexy Sally or Suzabel.
Take your Venetian or Roman or Grecian
Ideal,
I'll take something more "uzabel."
Girls were like fellas was once my belief;
What a reversal, and what a relief.
I'll take the flowering hat and the towering heel
And the squeal
Of a real live girl.
[Dance]
Real live girl.
[Dance]
Real live girl.
Go be a holdout for Helen of Troy,
I am a healthy American boy.
I'd rather gape at the dear little shape
Of the stern and the keel
Of a full-time vocational,
Full-operational
Girl.
12. "Poor Little Hollywood Star"
BELLE
Once you were an ordinary average little girl
From Illinois.
Once it was an ordinary average little life,
And what a joy.
Sudden success
Caught you, I guess,
High on its glittering bough.
Blithe and merry ordinary average little girl,
Where are you now?
Carefully dressed, carefully coached,
Diamond-braceleted, emerald-broached,
Just to be loved from afar,
Poor little Hollywood star.
One of the rare, one of the great,
Everyone's idol, but nobody's mate,
Poor little fairytale queen,
How do you fill the void
Under that celluloid sheen?
Smile for your fans, live for your art,
What if nobody gives that for your heart?
This is the very last stop,
Where can you go from the top?
So never relax, never give in,
Hold in those longings and stick out that chin.
Loved and adored as you are,
Your melancholy would
Seem just a trifle bizarre
In this jolly wood.
Poor little, shiny, secure little Hollywood star.
13. "Little Me"
OLD BELLE
There was I,
Schnitzie dead and gone,
All alone and friendless,
What was I to do?
YOUNG BELLE
What to do? What do do?
Here am I,
How can I go on,
Chasing down these endless
Cul-de-sacs and hallways?
Who would see me through?
OLD BELLE
Well, I ask of you...
OLD BELLE & YOUNG BELLE
Who would see me through
As always?
OLD BELLE & YOUNG BELLE (alternating)
Who to tell my troubles to?
Lend a sympathetic ear?
Who to cheer me when I'm blue?
Wipe away each little tear?
When there's no one left,
I am not bereft,
There is always little me.
(Old reliable.)
When a year goes down the drain,
And I haven't made a cent,
When I fall in love in vain,
Or I give it up for Lent,
Friends can fly the coop,
Leave me in the soup,
Who'd come through with lentils?
And to get to fundamentals:
When the chips are really down,
Who would not be out of town?
(Or a blabbermouth?)
Who do I esteem most?
Who do I adore most?
Who deserves the cream most?
Who built up the candy store most?
Who comes first and foremost?
Obviously,
(When you add it all up)
Ever-lovin' little me.
Rise or fall,
Loyal friend,
Through it all
To the end.
When it comes to parlez-vous,
Who could parlez-vous a few?
(With the best of 'em?)
Who'll retrieve that bounty?
Who'll pursue that quarry?
Like a Northwest Mountie,
Only built like Mata Hari?
Who'll get Lochinvar e-
Ventually?
In a little black sheer
With a little bit here
And a little "mon cher"
And a little bit there?
(Just a little bit.)
Who will make you sorry,
Wait and see?
(Mrs. Eggleston.)
Yours sincerely, little,
I mean, merely little,
Yours sincerely, little me.
14. "Goodbye"
PRINCE
Goodbye.
PEOPLE
Goodbye.
PRINCE
Goodbye.
YULNICK
We hate to see you die.
PRINCE
Well, anyway, goodbye.
PEOPLE
Goodbye.
PRINCE
Goodbye.
YULNICK
You couldn't put it off?
PRINCE
I'd love to put it off, but then
We'd only have to do this painful scene again,
So let's just say goodbye.
So goodbye, Yulnick, goodbye, Yisha,
Goodbye, Sam, I'm sure gonna miss ya,
Goodbye, Melnick, goodbye, Myron,
Pardon my expirin'.
Goodbye, country, it's been fun,
You know I hate to rule and run,
But I must get some dying done,
So everyone,
Goodbye!
Ach, don't cry.
Someday we'll say hello.
TENOR
We hate to see you blow.
PRINCE
I'll meet you in the sweetest land I know.
PEOPLE
We hope it isn't soon.
PRINCE
It's gonna be so wunderbar.
PEOPLE
So full of that funiculi, funicula.
PRINCE
It almost pays to go.
So sing, Natasha, you too, Bradley,
Not you, Sol, you sing very badly.
Dance, Matilda, till I holler
For the funeral poller.
Down with rotten rhetoric!
I think I'm getting very sick,
So sing or dance or do a trick,
But quick,
I gotta die!
PEOPLE
Hey!
(Dance.)
PEOPLE
So goodnight, sweet prince, goodbye, highness,
Though you've been a definite minus,
We forgive your royal fumbles.
PRINCE
That's the way the kingdom crumbles.
PEOPLE
So long.
PRINCE
So long.
PEOPLE
Ta-ta.
PRINCE
Ta-ta.
ALL
Goodbye!
15. "Here's To Us"
BELLE
Here's to us, my darling, my dear,
Here's to us tonight.
Not for what might happen next year,
For it might not be nearly as bright.
But here's to us, for better or worse,
And for thanks to a merciful star,
Skies of blue, and muddling through,
And for me and for you as we are.
And here's to us for nothing at all
If there's nothing at all we can praise,
Just that we're together and here
For the rest of our beautiful days.
Here's to us forever and always.
BELLE & CHORUS
Here's to us, my darling, my dear,
Here's to us tonight.
Not for what might happen next year,
For it might not be nearly as bright.
But here's to us, for all that we have,
And the road that we've travelled so far,
Skies of blue, and muddling through,
And for me and for you as we are.
And here's to us for nothing at all
If there's nothing at all we can praise,
Just for spring, and wanting to sing,
And for feeling like flinging bouquets.
Here's to us forever and always.