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* IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE *
* IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV *
* BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES *
* ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY?
* LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY
* LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO *
* ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US
* LAUGH AND CRY
* HE'S... A... FAM... ILY... GUY! *
HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CHECK IT OUT.
QUAGMIRE'S TRYING TO GET LUCKY.
HEY, GORGEOUS, YOU WANT TO COME HOME WITH ME?
I'M WITH MY HUSBAND.
LOSE THE ZERO, GET WITH THE HERO.
A LITTLE VIOLENT FOR YOU, DON'T YOU THINK?
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE.
We interrupt for this breaking news.
After years of isolation
the mysterious and eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat
has announced that he's opening
his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few.
PAWTUCKET PAT HAS PLACED FOUR SILVER SCROLLS
IN FOUR RANDOM BEERS.
EACH LUCKY SCROLL-WINNER AND A GUEST OF THEIR CHOICE
WILL TAKE A MAGICAL TOUR OF THE BREWERY
AND WALK AWAY WITH A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BEER.
WHAT? DON'T COMPLAIN.
THIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING YOU LOOK ATTRACTIVE.
OH, MAN, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?
IMAGINE SEEING THE INSIDE
OF THE PAWTUCKET PATRIOT BREWERY.
FORGET IT, PETER, YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.
YEAH, YOU NEVER WIN ANYTHING.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WENT ONPASSWORD?
Host: THIS ONE IS FOR PETER GRIFFIN AND TONY RANDALL.
(whispers): THE PASSWORD IS "FLAMING."
YOU...
ACTOR.
YOU...
TONY?
YOU...
(playing discordant melody)
VERY GOOD, JONAS.
OH, MY, LOOK AT THE TIME.
MRS. GRIFFIN, I PRACTICED JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CALL YOU A LIAR.
HUH?
NOTHING, NOTHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
MOM, HOW COME ALL YOUR STUDENTS SUCK?
I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
ALL I WANT IS ONE PUPIL WHO'S GOOD ENOUGH
TO WIN THE PIANO COMPETITION.
I'M SICK OF COMING IN SECOND
TO THAT AWFUL ALEXIS RADCLIFFE.
EVERY YEAR SHE WINS AND RUBS IT IN MY FACE.
DON'T WORRY, SWEETHEART.
THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.
(tires screeching)
CONGRATULATION ON SECOND PLACE, LOIS.
(knocking)
OH, LOIS, THANK GOD IT'S YOU.
THE LAST THREE HOUSES I WENT TO WERE VERY RUDE.
HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
WHY, YES, I HAVE. THANK YOU.
I GOT TO FIND
ONE OF THOSE SILVER SCROLLS.
EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR THEM.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME, YOU LONG-NECKED ***.
YOU GIVE ME THE SCROLL
AND I MAKE YOU HEAD OF SANITATION SERVICES
FOR THE ENTIRE CITY.
IT'S A DO-NOTHING JOB, SWEET CAKE.
LET'S SEE.
TWO MORE DEAD FROM ALCOHOL POISONING.
LOOKING FOR THAT SCROLL, HUH?
WOULDN'T MIND FINDING THAT THING MYSELF.
OH, MAN, I HOPE I DON'T GET PULLED OVER.
I'LL JUST BE REALLY CAREFUL.
(engine starts)
(sighs)
YOU CAN DO THIS.
(siren wails)
WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH
ABOUT TOURING A STUPID BREWERY?
LOIS, EVERYONE HAS THEIR SANCTUARY.
THE CATHOLICS HAVE CHURCHES, FAT PEOPLE HAVE WISCONSIN
AND I HAVE THE PAWTUCKET BREWERY.
NOW HELP ME DRINK THESE BEERS.
PETER, I'M NOT DRINKING THIS.
OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOIS, I'M GOING TO GO TO THE STORE NOW, OKAY?
HERE I GO.
* DAH, DAH-DAH, DAH-DAH, DAH-DAH. *
STOP IT!
WHAT IF THE KIDS WERE TO SEE YOU
DRINKING LIKE THIS?
ESPECIALLY STEWIE-- HE'S SO IMPRESSIONABLE.
OH, MY GOD, PLEASE TELL ME WE DIDN'T DO IT.
GO, GO, GO, GO!
NOTHING.
PETER, IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
THANKS FOR THE UPDATE, BIG BEN.
(both laugh)
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN.
NO, I'M JUST EXHAUSTED
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING.
LISTEN, PETER IF YOU KEEP THIS UP
SOMETHING TERRIBLE'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
YEAH, SOMETHING TERRIBLE ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.
NICE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I'M LATE FOR MY CHECKUP.
Man: WOO!
WOO-HOO! YEAH!
ALL RIGHT!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT SEEMS JOE HAS FOUND THE FIRST SCROLL.
HE'S TASTING VICTORY.
I BET IT TASTES GOOD, LIKE SALTWATER TAFFY
OR A CHUNKY.
OH, NO. IF THERE'S FOUR TICKETS
AND ONE OF THEM'S GONE, THAT, THAT, THAT LEAVES...
THIS MANY.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. GRIFFIN.
(imitating echo): HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
(laughs)
JUST KIDDING.
SO, ANY PROBLEMS?
NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE, DOCTOR.
LOIS?
OH, HELLO, ALEXIS.
HEARD YOU MIGHT NOT ENTER THE COMPETITION THIS YEAR.
SMART MOVE.
YES, WELL, THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE
THAN APIANO COMPETITION.
OH, YES, ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO--
OH, THAT'S COLD-- CHANCE.
FOR YOURINFORMATION, I HAVE ASTUDENT
THAT COULD WHIP YOU.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
FRED, THIS IS NOT A DATE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL DONE, ALEXIS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ONCE AGAIN, I FINISH FIRST.
DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU.
SHE ASKED FOR PINE FOREST, I GAVE HER NEW CAR.
DID YOU HEAR? IT'S OVER.
SOMEBODY FOUND THE LAST SCROLL.
OH, MY GOD, NO!
It's true.
The final scroll has been recovered.
The lucky recipient has declined
to be interviewed for safety reasons
but I'm sure you're all with me when I say
congratulations, you son of a ***.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?
HELLO, DUM-DUM.
NOT NOW, KAZOO.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, FATSO.
MAYBE I WANTED TO TALK.
I GUESS WANTING IT MORE THAN ANYONE
JUST WASN'T ENOUGH.
HEY, YOU GUYS, IT'S A FAKE!
THERE'S STILL A A SCROLL OUT THERE!
That's right, I made it up.
I figured if people thought the last scroll was found
everyone would stop looking
giving me the edge to find it myself
but what I did was wrong
and as an act of contrition
I will now insert this carnivorous earwig
into my brain.
Huh, kind of tickles.
(inhales)
(screaming and thrashing)
Oh, God, it's eating out the back of my eyes!
In other news
chocolate may be better for you than once thought.
In a recent 12-day study...
MY LAST BEER... HERE GOES.
I BET THAT SCROLL MAKES THE BEER TASTE TERRIBLE.
OH, GOD.
(vomits)
WHAT THE HELL?
I FOUND IT!
I FOUND THE LAST SCROLL!
HE FOUND IT!
OH, MY GOD!
RUN HOME, PETER!
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
(grunts)
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(playing march)
OH, MAN, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
NOW I KNOW HOW BARBRA STREISAND MUST HAVE FELT
THE DAY SHE MARRIED JAMES BROLIN.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OH, I'M SO GLAD
I MARRIED A REGULAR PERSON AND NOT A CELEBRITY.
PROFESSIONAL NINJA JERRY NELSON
HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR SILVER SCROLL?
WELL, I WAS AT HOME
NURSING THIS THROWING STAR WOUND
MY WIFE JANIE GIVES ME A BEER
AND BAM, THERE IT WAS.
OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT.
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance ever
Pawtucket Pat!
(all gasp)
THAT'S FOR MY BROTHER LUIS!
HE DRANK HIMSELF TO DEATH ON YOUR CRAPPY BEER!
GOTCHA!
A BIG HAND FOR CHEECH MARIN, EVERYBODY.
LET THE TOUR BEGIN.
HEY, LOOK.
THOSE ARE THE CHUMBA WUMBAS.
THEY LIVE HERE WITH ME.
HEY, PAT, WHERE'S THE WHEELCHAIR RAMP?
OH, WE DON'T HAVE ONE.
I GUESS THIS IS WHERE YOU GET OFF.
(plays light melody)
* CHUMBA WUMBA, GOBBLEDY-GOO
* LIFE ISN'T FAIR, IT'S SAD, BUT IT'S TRUE *
* CHUMBA WUMBA, GOBBLEDY-GEE
* WHEN YOUR POOR LEGS ARE STIFF AS A TREE *
* WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN A CHAIR? *
* FINDING IT HARD TO GO UP AND DOWN STAIRS *
* WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ONE YOU CALL "GOD" *
* ISN'T HIS ABSENCE SLIGHTLY ODD? *
* MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU
* CHUMBA WUMBA, GOBBLEDY-GORS
* COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY YOU'RE NOT A HORSE *
* THEY WOULD TURN YOU INTO DOG FOOD *
* OR TO CHUMBA WUMBA GOBBLEDY-GOO. *
I'M GLAD I'M NOT TAKING YOUR STUPID TOUR!
I'M A COORS MAN, ANYWAY!
* GOBBLEDY-GLUE!
(playing scale)
VERY GOOD, JIMMY.
TRYING TO WATCH THE HISTORY CHANNEL HERE.
TRY IT AGAIN.
(plays scale)
I'M NOT TALKING TO MYSELF.
YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO TACKLE
A BEETHOVEN SONATA.
LET ME GRAB THE SHEET MUSIC.
KEEP PLAYING.
(fists landing)
I GOT THE MU...
OH, MY GOD!
JIMMY, WHAT HAPPENED?
YES, JIMMY, WHAT HAPPENED?
I-I FELL.
IT'S ALL BEHIND THIS DOOR.
LADY AND GENTLEMEN
THE BEER ROOM.
* TAKE A DRINK
* AND YOU'LL SINK
* TO A STATE OF PURE INEBRIATION *
* YOU'LL BE TANKED
* LIKE THE WHOLE IRISH NATION
* WHEN YOU DRINK ENOUGH OF MY BEER *
* YOU WILL FIND THIS MAGIC GRUEL *
* MAKE YOUR EVERY JOKE A JEWEL *
* YOU'LL DRIVE DRUNKER THAN... *
* OKSANA BAIUL
* GO ON, BUDS
* DRINK MY SUDS
* TILL YOU'VE REACHED THAT PURE INEBRIATION *
* THOUGH THE BEER MAY BE FREE... *
* YOU'RE JUST RENTING IT FROM ME. *
AH, IT'S LIKE I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.
BUT THEN THEY REALIZED THAT IT WASN'T MY TIME
AND SO THEY SENT ME BACK TO A BREWERY.
WE'RE STILL WORKING SOME OF THE BUGS OUT
OF OUR LATEST INVENTION: PERMA-SUDS.
BEER THAT NEVER GOES FLAT.
NO MATTER HOW OLD IT GETS, IT STAYS CARBONATED.
OOH... OOH...
BRIAN, WAIT.
MAYBE, MAYBE WE SHOULD STICK WITH THE GROUP.
BEER THAT NEVER GOES FLAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BRIAN?
THIS BEER WILL STILL BE CARBONATED
LONG AFTER YOU DIE OF OLD AGE
AND WE BUY ANOTHER DOG
TO HELP THE KIDS, YOU KNOW, FORGET ABOUT YOU.
PETER, I WOULDN'T...
WOW.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
AH, WHAT THE HELL.
CHEERS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE SAID IT WASN'T READY.
IT TASTES PRETTY GOOD TO M... WHOA!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING?
MUST BE THE BEER.
HEY... HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
AND LOOK AT THIS.
OH, YEAH?
WATCH THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
RELAX, BRIAN.
IT'S JUST A TRICK.
SEE, LOOK-- MY THUMB IS FINE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT.
HOLY CRAP!
THERE'S NOTHING TO GRAB ON TO.
AW, THIS IS IT, PAL.
WE'RE GONERS.
PETER, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I'VE REALLY CHERISHED OUR FRIENDSHIP.
ME, TOO, BUDDY.
THAT'S WHY I WAS HOLDING THIS IN
BUT SINCE WE'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY...
(breaks wind)
PETER, THAT'S IT.
(breaks wind)
HEY, HEY, PULL MY FINGER.
MY PLEASURE.
(breaks wind)
HEY, PETER, THIS NEXT ONE
YOUCANBLAME ON THE DOG.
(breaks wind)
AH, SILENT BUT LIFESAVING.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT SIGN?
YOU'VE SULLIED MY FACTORY AND DISOBEYED MY RULES.
I WANT YOU TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
AW, COME ON.
DON'T I AT LEAST GET A CHUMBA WUMBA SONG?
(sighs)
FINE.
(plays introduction)
* CHUMBA WUMBA, GOB...
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
(inhales)
AAH!
COME ON, MEG.
THE COMPETITION IS THIS SUNDAY
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO READY.
MAYBE IF YOU'D LOOSEN MY CHAINS.
WE TRIED THAT, REMEMBER, HONEY?
YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
LOIS, TAKE A LETTER.
DEAR PAWTUCKET PAT, I HATE YOU.
YOU'RE A BAD MAN, AND YOU MADE ME CRY.
FURTHERMORE...
NOT NOW, PETER.
MEG AND I ARE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL TIME.
HELP ME.
GO ON.
NO BOYS ALLOWED.
JEEZ, LOIS
STILL WITH THE PIANO?
WHAT'S A GUY GOT TO DO
TO GET A LITTLE ATTENTION AROUND HERE?
(plays light introduction)
(playing classical music)
PETER, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW...
YOU'RE LIKE THE IDIOT FROMSHINE.
MEG, YOU'RE FREE.
TRY THE CLARINET.
KEEP PLAYING! KEEP PLAYING!
(classical music playing)
(playing off-key)
NO, NO, NO.
PLAY IT LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT.
I, I CAN'T.
PETER, TALENT DOESN'T DISAPPEAR JUST LIKE THAT.
WELL, SOMETIMES IT DOES.
I MEAN, YOU WERE PRETTY BAD IN BED SATURDAY NIGHT.
COME ON, LOIS, MOVE OR SOMETHING.
JEEZ, IT'S LIKE DOING IT WITH A PILLOW.
PETER, I STAYED AT MY MOTHER'S THAT NIGHT.
OH.
AH, JEEZ, THIS HANGOVER'S KILLING ME.
I HAVEN'T FELT THIS CRAPPY
SINCE THE TIME I WENT TO THAT MUSEUM.
WHY DID ALL THE DINOSAURS DIE OUT?
BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT.
HERE, THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
(plays lightly)
(plays upbeat jazz)
HUH, I THINK WE FOUND HIS MUSE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU CAN ONLY PLAY THE PIANO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I CAN ALSO VOMIT, FALL DOWN
AND MAKE DIRTY CALLS TO YOUR SISTER WHEN I'M DRUNK.
GO PICK UP A CASE OF BEER.
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF PRACTICING TO DO.
PRACTICING? WHAT FOR?
THE COMPETITION.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY FIRST CHAMPION.
OH, OH, PLA-PLAY
PLAY THAT SAD WALKING-AWAY SONG
FROMTHE INCREDIBLE HULK.
(playing theme fromThe Incredible Hulk )
HEY... EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK, LOOK... LOOK AT ME.
(playing theme fromThe X-files )
HEY, THANKS, THANKS.
YOU THINK THAT WAS GREAT, WATCH THIS.
UH-OH! LOIS, I'M LOSING MY BUZZ.
I NEED MORE TALENT JUICE.
ANOTHER BEER ALREADY?
OH, WELL, I GUESS I DON'THAVETO BE PREPARED
FOR THE COMPETITION.
(sighs)
I NEED ANOTHER PITCHER OVER HERE.
WOW, LOIS MUST HAVE WRITTEN THE BOOK ON MAN-PLEASING.
TOO BAD LORETTA DOESN'T ALLOW WHITE LITERATURE
IN OUR HOUSEHOLD.
WELL, HOW MUCH HARM CAN ONE MORE PITCHER DO?
THIS IS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF ART, RIGHT?
DON'T START WITH ME, BRIAN.
THIS MAY NOT BE MY PROUDEST MOMENT
BUT DAMN IT, I WANT TO WIN.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON
TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN.
YOU COME TO ME AND ASK ME TO KILL A MAN I DO NOT KNOW.
NOW I ASK YOU, WHY SHOULD I KILL THIS COUNT CHOCULA?
BECAUSE THAT SON OF A *** HAS BEEN SPREADING LIES.
MY CEREAL DOES NOT CUT THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.
WITH ALL RESPECT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M MISSING RONNIE'S PARTY FOR THIS.
THAT RONNIE'S A BAD INFLUENCE.
YEAH, THAT LITTLE *** SOLD ME SOME REALLY BAD CRACK.
STAY OUT OF IT, HERB.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN HIS REAL FATHER.
YES, WE'RE CHECKING IN.
THE STUDENT'S NAME IS PETER GRIFFIN.
OH, YES.
HE'S ON IN AN HOUR.
YEAH, WHERE'S THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE?
OH, THEY'RE ALL CLOSED ON SUNDAYS.
THIS IS A DRY COUNTY.
(both gasp)
I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT ***.
WELL, MAYBE THIS IS A SIGN
THAT WE NEED TO STOP THIS.
I'VE BEEN KEEPING YOU RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HEAD
FOR MY OWN SELFISH NEEDS.
I'M ASHAMED.
LET'S JUST GO HOME.
NOW, NOW, LOIS, WE CAN'T STOP NOW
AFTER ALL WE'VE PUT INTO THIS.
YO, FRESH, HOW DO I GET TO RONNIE'S PARTY?
PETER, WE'RE NOT GOING TO A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY.
LOIS.
ALEXIS.
LOSER SAYS WHAT?
WHAT?
OH!
I'LL DRIVE.
(rock music playing)
CONSUME.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
THIS SUCKS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE
WE HAD WAY BETTER DRINKING GAMES.
OW.
AHA. YOU DRINK.
(siren wailing)
IT'S THE COPS.
RUN.
(tires squealing)
HOLD IT, YOU TWO.
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE DRINKING ILLEGALLY?
UH, UH...
LOIS, LOOK OVER THERE.
RUN.
(playing classical music)
I WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL, LOIS.
UH, PETER, STOP.
TRY TO STAY FOCUSED.
(applause)
OKAY, YOU'RE ON.
WAIT. HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR GOOD LUCK.
(gagging)
MAKE SURE YOUR TRILLS ARE CLEAN
AND WATCH THE LEGATO IN THE FOURTH MEASURE.
GO.
(chuckling)
(burps)
(playing theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show )
(key changes)
WE DID IT, BRIAN.
CONGRATULATIONS, LOIS.
FOR WHAT? WINNING A TROPHY
AT THE EXPENSE OF MY HUSBAND'S HEALTH?
GOD KNOWS HOW MANY OF HIS BRAIN CELLS I KILLED
POURING ALL THAT ALCOHOL DOWN HIS THROAT.
LOIS, YOU DON'T GET IT.
THE LESSON HERE IS THAT ABUSING ALCOHOL
HAS ABSOLUTELY NO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES.
YOU HAVE YOUR TROPHY
AND MY BRAIN CELLS ARE JUST FINE.
HELLO?
W-WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
I... I'M THE ONLY BRAIN CELL LEFT.
WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE MY BOOKS.
NO, NO, THA... THAT...
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THERE WAS TIME NOW.
(sobbing)
IT'S NOT FAIR.
(theme from The Incredible Hulkplays)
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and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION