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Hold it!
New glasses.
Dwight, what a ridiculous,
fancy clown you are.
I am dressed according to
the Schrute codes of mourning.
My aunt Shirley has died.
Oh, Dwight, I'm so sorry.
Were you guys close?
I would say that she raised me,
but let's not kid each other.
I raised myself.
She was, however,
the closest thing
I had to a mother.
My actual mother
was very cold and distant.
I'd say she was
the closest thing I had
to an aunt.
- My condolences.
- Keep them!
Okay.
Now, what do we got
in these two pails?
In keeping with Schrute custom,
I will either invite you
to Saturday's funeral
by sprinkling red,
fertile dirt in your face,
or I will ask you
to keep a respectful distance
during my time of grief,
with a dusting of black,
slightly acidic soil.
What color is it?
It looks pretty black.
[Spits]
Yep.
Acidic all right.
[Whispering] Oh, thank God.
Excuse me?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dwight.
And if you want me to be there,
of course I will go.
It's just I have
a personal training session.
Okay, that's not--
- I get red dirt.
Nobody is getting red dirt.
I should've kept my mouth shut.
We're not even that close.
I've only known Dwight
Time is a son of a ***.
I'm sure-- I'm sure
she's in a better place.
[Whispering] I really hope so.
Okay, now this is crazy.
You can't make a dirtball--
- [Crying] I miss her so much.
- Okay.
- You know?
- [Sighs]
Aah!
[Cheerful music]
There's a bright
golden haze
[Guitar playing]
on the meadow
a bright golden haze
on the meadow
[Engine running]
- Ziek's here.
- Ziek!
Hey, Dwight.
Mose, mom says hi.
Hi to mom.
You going?
Will there be ghosts there?
- [Sighs] Get in the sidecar.
- Get in the sidecar.
Get in the sidecar.
- You get in the sidecar.
- Get--
What are you doing here?
You invited me.
You threw the red dirt
in my face.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughs]
[Horn honking] Who is that?
Jeb, my brother.
- You have a brother?
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't really see
a better parking spot.
Oh!
Look what I did.
[Chuckles]
[Car door slams]
It's a rental.
[Both grunting]
- You wanna go in?
- No, you do!
You wanna go in?
You wanna go in?
- I'll put you in there.
- Okay, I'll put you--
- Here we go.
- Oh!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!
Uncle! Uncle! Oh!
- Oh, gosh.
- Hey, moonface.
Nice to see those shiny
little Chinese eyes of yours.
Who's this guy?
- Bad.
- Hi, all!
Why are you here, Todd?
Okay, let's get right to it,
I guess.
My name is Todd Packer,
and I am in recovery.
I'm working the steps.
I'm on step eight
of Alcoholics Anonymous,
step nine
of Narcotics Anonymous.
I'm here to make amends.
I've been hard to deal with
over the past years.
Kind of a jerk.
I know it.
I don't need you
to accept my apology,
but I'd love it if you did.
Packer, we accept.
[All protesting]
Actually,
they have a specific way
I need to do this,
and I have to go through
examples of stuff.
Okay, uh, where to begin?
Hey
Pam-Pam
and her pam-pams.
Well, I have said
some crude things about those.
But they are beautiful,
and I guess
that's why I acted out.
Pam, I'm sorry
I objectified you
and personified your ***.
Sorry, guys.
Oh, boy.
I have not been nice to you.
Phylly,
I'm sorry for the things
I said about your size
to your face, behind your back,
and in the form of drawings.
Actually, that goes to
all you double XLs.
Stanley, Kevin
this kid in a few years.
Todd, you're just
saying insults
in the form of an apology.
Why can't I just be nice?
Truth is I really like you guys.
I really do.
Okay, the apology's
just half of it.
The big thing is making amends,
and that's why I brought these.
I went out
to the Steamtown mall,
and I got you all cupcakes
from that place Nipples.
Think it's called Nibbles.
Ha.
The mind sees
what it wants to, huh?
Ohh
there you go.
Hey, hey, guys.
Wait.
Before we accept
these cupcakes,
I think we need to have
a conversation privately
in the conference room.
Don't eat the cupcake.
We are here today
to join this woman
on the ground.
Man is born of woman,
and his life
is full of turmoil.
[Laughs]
It's crap soil.
Nothing's gonna grow here.
It doesn't matter.
It's a cemetery.
Yeah, well, I'm saying
it's garbage soil, that's all.
Well, the only thing we're
planting here is dead bodies.
That's fine,
'cause they're not gonna grow.
Well, thank God they're not,
because we don't wanna
make zombies.
Good.
I agree.
Don't worry about it.
You won't get any.
Would the family care
to say something?
You had black hair
and then gray hair.
You were the aunt
to my cousins.
Most of your life,
you were 5'4".
At the end, you were 5'1".
They're a descriptive people.
[Whispering] I see
you started without me.
You were late, so
what am I supposed to do?
- Hi, ***.
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Who is that?
- Dwight's sister.
- Dwight has a sister?
Yeah.
She's beautiful.
Blech.
[Scoffs]
Hello, little man.
Haven't seen you in a few years.
Wha-- what is this--
oh, God.
[Inaudible]
What'd he--
- Henry.
- Dwight.
I see Esther's back in town.
Hi, Dwight.
Hi, Esther.
Nice of you to come today.
This was on the way.
We're going into town after.
I need yarn.
Well, if you can snap
two chicken necks
with a single motion,
why use two motions
to slaughter those chickens?
[Chuckles]
We're at a funeral.
There's a funeral going on here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Anyone mention her height?
- Yep.
Land size?
Shirley, at 1,600 acres,
you have the largest farm
in the area,
sharing borders
with six other farms
including my own farm
and your nephew Dwight's.
Okay.
So let's get it going.
Would you want to do
the honors?
Oh, right, uh
you know, I-I don't think
we have to do this.
We Schrutes don't need
some Harvard doctor
to tell us
who's alive and who's dead.
But there was an unlucky streak
of burying some heavy sleepers.
And when grave robbers
discovered some scratch marks
on the inside of some
of the coffins,
we decided to make sure that
our dead were completely dead
out of kindness.
[Rifle ***]
[Gunshot]
That's it for me.
I don't think
we should eat Packer's cupcakes.
We can't give him
the satisfaction.
I agree.
Even though that place has
a way of making those cupcakes
so they're dense
but they're also really fluffy.
We can't let him buy
our forgiveness with cupcakes.
He was awful to us.
And he still is.
How much is a cupcake,
Is that the price
of our dignity?
I never forget a number.
Names, in one ear
and out the other.
Places, nope.
Faces, that's rich.
But numbers
I have a gift.
I guess that's why
I'm an accountant.
Hey, man,
I don't think we've met.
- I'm Clark.
- Oh, I'm Todd.
Oh, sorry for calling you
a fat little runt earlier.
You didn't actually say that.
- No?
- No.
Wow!
I'm in this mode now
where I'm apologizing for
thoughts that are in my head.
Hmm.
[Forced chuckle]
Hey!
I have a crazy feeling
that you are really
gonna like this.
Maybe we should
eat the cupcakes.
Haven't we done enough
to Packer?
I mean, we sent him down
to Florida on a prank,
and you did fire him.
I did.
I did, yes.
And it was purely political.
He did nothing wrong.
Would any of you be saying
any of this
if the cupcakes were
from Supermart?
Do they even
have a bakery anymore?
They do.
It's awful!
And it's getting worse
every day.
So it really is
just about the cupcakes.
Wow, you're right.
It is just about the cupcakes.
So we're all agreed
no one touches those cupcakes?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Packer can go to hell.
Thank you for coming
to my funeral.
As I gaze at life's big sunset,
I can't help but wonder
where it all went wrong.
You've all disappointed me
greatly.
***, a single mama
in the city.
Thank you.
Jeb, a street pusher.
After I left the army,
I bought a nine-acre
worm farm
from a Californian.
Turns out,
"worm" means something else
out there,
and I am now
in the business of
pain management.
Or the smoking
of pain management.
I can't stand the fact
that Jeb is a pot farmer.
He could've grown anything.
Anything in the world.
He used to talk about
growing a peanut-grape hybrid.
One plant, one sandwich.
We can't just sit by
and watch our family farm
disappear.
So here are my terms.
Dwight, ***, Jeb.
If you come back home,
I will leave you my farm.
- So there you have it.
- Is she crazy?
- Dwight?
- Dwight? Buddy?
- No, no, no.
- Snap out of it.
[Snapping fingers] Dwight!
Let's do this.
Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm.
I'm in.
Boom!
No, no, no.
I'm not moving back here.
- Are you crazy?
- Of course you are.
Look, I don't wanna be mean
or, like, insulting.
I know that you like it here.
But, Dwight, it's just that
farm life lacks a certain
- sort of sophistication
- Oh, my God.
That Cami and I are drawn to.
and
[Sighs]
I don't know,
the men are just--[Sighs]
It's almost like there's a--
a willing ignorance.
Yes, I--
thank you for asking me.
I actually have written
a little bit of poetry.
That's crazy.
And I was recently published.
Which is just--
maybe I have--
yep, I do.
Here it is from the, um
hartfordwomenslitquarterly.
com.
[Sighs]
A Willing Ignorance
by *** Schrute.
[Giggles]
Totally.
Yep.
The people here are like
[Blows raspberry]
like a fart.
You know what I'm saying?
Like a fart.
You know what?
Let's take a couple of nights
and stay here and think
about Aunt Shirley's offer.
Couple of nights couldn't hurt.
Oh, somehow I think
a couple of nights could hurt.
You will say yes on one.
Get ready to say yes.
One!
- Yes!
- Absolutely!
Growing up with Dwight
and Mose was not easy.
Uh, Dwight was obviously
the cool one,
and Mose was the visionary,
which left me
to be the comedian.
- That doesn't work on me
- Okay.
By the way.
It's not--
Quatre, trois, deux, un.
Oui on un.
Oui, un!
- Very clever.
- Oui!
- Okay.
- Oui, mais oui.
Oui, oui, oui.
- Oui.
- Oh, my goodness.
When we arrive,
sons and daughters
we'll make our homes
on the water
we'll build our--
People underestimate
the power of nostalgia.
If baseball can use it
to get people to care about
that worthless sport,
then I can use it
to get my siblings
to care about the farm.
Nostalgia is truly one
of the great human weaknesses.
Second only to the neck.
When we arrive,
sons and daughters
we'll make our homes
on the water
we'll build our walls
aluminum
we'll fill our mouths
with cinnamon
now
So I forgot
about this old custom.
If a man is interested
in courting a woman,
he may throw the beaks
of a crow at her.
And then if she's interested
in accepting the courtship,
she has to destroy the beaks.
When we arrive,
sons and daughters
we'll make our homes
on the water
we'll build our walls
aluminum
we'll fill our mouths
with cinnamon
Hey, uh, I just wanna say
I'm sorry for screwing you.
I'm not sorry about it.
I am.
It was my rock bottom.
- Kevin, you can do this.
- You don't know that.
Kevin, um, let's think
of something to distract us.
Like the movie Skyfall.
You loved the movie Skyfall,
right?
Mm-hmm.
James Bond was a spy.
- Yes, he was a good spy.
- Yeah.
He was the best.
James Bond
would love this cupcake.
Hey, you know what,
it was great
to see you all again.
Take care.
I am going through
a 12-step program.
I'm currently on step zero
which is have a shitload
of fun.
I spent six hours
carefully removing the frosting
and then layering in
a variety of drugs,
some legal, some not
some laxative,
some constipating.
You don't fire The Packman
and expect to get away with it.
Guys, I'm proud of us.
I think we did the right thing.
Hey!
- What, Pam?
- Wait!
He's gone.
It's just a cupcake now.
No, no!
It's the principle of the thing.
Oh, my God.
I forgive him so much.
[Gagging]
- Whoa! Is he choking?
- Kevin?
[Coughing]
Oh, that was fantastic.
Is it dangerous to take
the eggs in front of them?
Yes, very.
You really need to stand back.
'Cause these
are killer chickens.
I was just asking you
something I didn't know.
Which is fine,
and you learned something.
But it was kind of
a stupid question,
so you're gonna get made fun of
a little bit.
Are we gonna eat these today?
If you want.
Is that a guillotine?
This? No.
That'd be cool though.
It's for milking.
That's a cow?
Did you just ask me
if this was a cow?
What are you doing now?
Come here.
Come on.
[Milk squirting into bucket]
Grab a *** with each hand.
Sit down.
There you go.
Squeeze from top to bottom.
Really pull, use some muscle.
Draw the milk out.
All right, going all right?
I don't know.
Well, is the udder hot?
Is the milk clumpy?
- I don't know any of that.
- Okay, you suck at this.
Gimme those teats.
[Clears throat]
Didn't your father
teach you anything?
I never met him.
Good morning, Erin.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
Um, I decided to eat
my cupcake.
I thought about it last night.
I talked to Jim,
I talked to my sister,
and I think that as long
as Todd Packer doesn't know,
it's okay.
I don't care what you do, Pam,
just please stop making noise.
Phyllis!
Packer laced the cupcakes.
No!
Did you get diarrhea
or were you ***?
- Some of us got both.
- Oh, my God!
Is everyone okay?
Last night,
I got out all of my old dolls
and played with them
on the living room floor.
Then I ordered ten
American Girl outfits on line.
It was thousands of dollars.
Well, count yourself lucky,
Phyllis.
[Whispering] I got the toilet.
Me too.
I went Christmas caroling
in March,
and I fertilized some bushes
along the way.
So not my best night.
But not my worst night.
[Sighs] What did you do, Andy?
Last night!
Oh, God, um
I don't know.
Noth-nothing, really.
- Kevin?
- Why would you ask me?
No, I'm not a--
I just-- I don't know.
[Both screaming]
Oh gosh,
I actually--
it is hard to recall.
Um, pretty normal night.
My night was just like that
- Yup.
- Okay.
[Pants tearing] Meaning normal.
Yeah, I didn't see you
last night at all.
Nope, I did not see you either.
[Kevin groans loudly]
Wow! He is officially
the worst human being.
Ah!
But Kevin, that's--
Yeah, no, I understand, Pam.
I understand.
No.
Ohh.
So that's it.
I just wanted to make amends.
- Wow.
- That's big of you, man.
Takes a lot of courage.
Ooh.
Red velvet.
I should apologize too.
It's okay.
I'm over it.
When we arrive,
sons and daughters
Ooh, this is
no nine-acre worm farm.
This is a beast.
Whoever's managing this thing
is gonna have a hell of a job.
Mm-hmm.
- Not it.
- Not it.
It.
If your kid doesn't put in
some farm time,
or he's gonna stay like that.
[Chuckles] All right, fine.