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Episode2x01 - The True Story of Jesús Blanco
It has been a year since I left Sevilla to return to La Palma (Canary Island)
And all this time at home has changed me a lot.
Well, not that much.
Living in the Canary Islands is a privilege. Or at least it should be.
Perfect weather all year, paradise-like beaches, nice people,
Barely-dressed chicks and cheap tobacco.
But I still find it unfilling.
I guess I have always been a weirdo. Different at least.
After many tests we have discovered many extraordinary skills in your son.
He can store entire phone guides in his memory, he can solve complex equations.
And furthermore, he can move things with nothing but his mind. Ma'am, your son is...
Excuse me Doctor, I'm here to pick up my son. Jesús Blanco.
- Jesús Blanco? - Yes
That boy who's been staring at the pine tree for 45 minutes. Come on.
I always liked observing, discovering new things.
I guess I have already seen everything here.
Some times I just wish to jump on a plane and get out of here.
And I know it's strange to think about leaving paradise.
I needed to clear things up, so I started an analysis.
[Pros & Cons]
The first PRO would be my mom.
I know it's typical to say my mom is the best one in the world, but I mean it.
If she wasn't the first, she would be among the first ten.
Being the apple of an ex-hippie mother's eye,
private teacher of cooking and nursing, is a caps lock PRO.
Underlined in fluorescent fucsia.
"Jesus, I left breakfast ready for you. I love you. Mom."
The first CON is my dad. I love my dad and I understand:
He just wanted his son to do something useful. That's what makes coexistence difficult.
Being a disapointment of a retired sergeant of the civil guard and fan of the operetta
It's a CON with a footnote that says in parentheses:
"Terror movie".
Well good afternoon. It was about time, princess.
Dad it's 7:30 in the morning...
7:30 my ***! I walked to buy bread to Tenor.
For the non-natives: it's 18,6 Km far.
I had breakfast, got the car checked, got the mail...
I went to check the new constructions on the market.
Pull up those pants, brat.
You could learn something from your brother, ***.
My brother Moises is dad's favourite. Fancy, well-manered, hardworker.
The perfect son.
He just finished Architecture and started working at an important office.
He was an associated athlete and the president for the archery club.
- Dad I'm taking Jesus to the faculty. Don't wait for me, I have an important meeting.
Dad wouldn't be so proud if he knew Moises had always liked Barbies over G.I. Joe.
That's the way Dad is and my brother knows it.
So stressed! I have to get an apartment soon.
I can't keep coming out in a costume, without being able to dress or do my hair.
Im gonna get crazy.
Did you bring an umbrella?
It will rain. My *** is itching.
Moises is a nice big brother. He has always given me the advice I needed.
The best part is he gives advice from two perspectives.
*** that ***, brother. Get her doggystyle and jam the jumble.
Push in the peanuts.
Put the cream in her donut, bro! You understand nothing!
And then, you give her a fake number and you say you live far away.
And it's about time you depilate, you look like Mufasa.
I had quite a last night.
***, man.
I was raised in Las Joyas neighborhood, the B-side of the island.
Less touristy and most dangerous corner in all the archipielago.
Every city has a ***. This is ours.
Long ago I lived happily between friends. Now it's hostile and depressing.
PROs: Mum - Moises CONs: Dad - Neighborhood
My friend Juan is an example. He has always been leaning on the same wall.
You can check it on GoogleMaps. This lifestyle has destroyed him.
What's up Juan?
White Seat Ibiza.
Opel Corsa.
Yamaha Jog.
Woman with baby.
Peugeot.
Calamari Sandwich with Chickbreast. Thank you.
Loin. Big fat loin.
Loin.
Well, Juan, see you around.
The interesting fact is Juan is one year younger than me.
We have all changed, as usual, for worse.
Akaimu and Achidey got into jail. Ayose and Nauset are about to.
Or worse. Airan and Raiko are members of the National Police.
None has gone far. Just Bernardo is good enough to finish a degree in this ***.
Ayose whatcha doing u mental?
I'm picking up Bernardo. He just finished college.
You just ran over him you ***!
Dude I'm sorry! I'm all high on alcohol and rohypnol, man.
Just run and don't look back. I'll report a red car hit and run.
Before you go, you have any bud for me?
When Bernardo leaves the coma, he'll be a great lawyer.
It's funny, I met the guy I visit the most back in Sevilla.
***, open up. It's me, ***.
*** was back in the island and he had found himself.
He was now doing quite well.
When I came back I was screwed, life was ***. The fights didn't turn out good.
I'm not a fighter. I'm a ***.
So I went back to the sex bussiness, as a ***.
The average age of my clients is 70. But it's a ***. You get me? A ***.
Yeah, you're doing great. Plus, you're making a lot of money.
I'm the second most expensive male *** of the country.
I even got offers from the film industry.
Want to know my secret?
See I got this... my...
I have a knee in the ***.
A joint I can control like my own arm.
Get to places no one has ever reached, like the H spot.
Yes, my friend. The H spot.
Word has spread so they want to do some stuff.
Good morning my boy.
- How are you? - I'm still waiting for my period.
Some jobs require stomach and guts. i couldn't do what *** does.
But this is his vocation. I'm glad for him. I never saw him so happy.
C'mon sweetheart. Go make some breakfast.
She a client?
No man, I wish!
She's my grandmother.
Another big CON would be the hash.
If you can call it so.
Regardless our proximity to Morocco, whatever arrives here is a percentage
of what once was a wet piece of semi-decent hash
mixed with sawdust, dirt and, mostly, ***.
Good material! Just taken from the ***!
Hey! What's your problem? Don't you know your limits?
Ok, easy man.
We talked about this.
I don't know, there's no ugly neurons left and I'm not a ***.
And I need to get laid.
You're right, the place is dead.
They even closed the smoke vent.
Not even bartender-neuron is here!
We can drink whatever we want.
- We can play our own music! - Sure! - Let's go!
Good thing I gave Lefty my address so he could send me some good stuff.
Get your own lugagge, I'm not a *** trolley. Take this ***.
Well you sure look like one.
So, where the hell are the bikini girls with the garland necklaces?
They must have the day off. Everybody is dressed just like in Spain.
That's because they just got off the plane.
Sure they're about to put on the swimsuit.
I'm afraid I'm getting fed up with bananas.
I should have brought some Jamón Serrano.
Jamón... you haven't tried jamón since you were a baby.
La Joya 13, that's where we're heading.
But, where do we take the bus?
All I see is wahwah, wahwah, wahwah... (Guagua - Canary Busline)
Are those from an animal shop?
I think that's the wild dog breed around here. What's the name?
Canarian Molosser.
We should ask an "autotchgonous", a native.
Aloha!
The most important PRO is I have less distractions.
So I'm more likely to finish my degree.
Well, not really.
How can you think of leaving, Jesús? You don't realise how lucky we are.
Canary to Spain is like Hawaii to the States.
They get sad everytime the weather man speaks.
This place is the ***!
Don't listen to this beach-hippie. I understand you man.
I also feel the insular claustrophobia.
Moron.
What about the chicks?
Dude, chicks are all princesses. Princesses feed on man's souls.
When waves, beaches, sun and parties are enough,
You start missing some more land miles. You can get tired of nice people.
And tired of the good life.
You're smothered by the lack of opport...
Dude, Julio, can't you play a different song?
You've been playing "La Flaca" since you were 15.
Can't you learn a different melody?
A newer one. Or an older one, please.
You know how much I got laid thanks to this chords?
So sad.
Sadness is maturbating to a Japanese manga comic listening the Imperial March.
It's not manga. It's Hentai, you ignorant!
I can also play "La Bamba".
Canary Island is the ***.
See? For Erasmus students abroad everything is the ***.
The beer is the ***!
Parlez vous francés mademoiselle? What's your name?
The women are the ***!
Dude, the lamposts are the ***!
This might be because things I liked from the past have changed.
The theater where I watched the movies that changed my life.
Insular Stadium. Where I used to watch the team I always supported.
Or Animaguada, my teen ex-girlfriend. The ex-girl of my dreams.
Jocelin! Come say hi to Jesús! I won't repeat it again!
I've been calling for you half an hour sharp.
Jesús, always the same. I call her and she won't come. She does as she pleases.
Or maybe the things I didn't like stay the same.
And my old secrets still give me trouble sleeping.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing: Jaime, El *** from Las Joyas.
What's up Jesús? So long!
I heard you're back in the hood. I was hoping you would come by, but no.
Sorry ***, I almost got the money. I was on my way to take it to your place.
Liar!
Nobody tricks me. Understood, Jesús? Time is over.
I don't want the money. I'll take your life. I'll send you to the hospital.
I'm going to show everyone that Jaime El *** can't be ***.
Guys, beat the *** out of this ***.
Caki?!
So ***, you don't get respect in your hood?
Let me go!
Go *** yourself, ***! Go back to your fussball board!
What?
Then you realise it's not switching seats what makes you feel unconfortable.
It's the absence of its cushions.
Actually, ***, we came for you. We never left the neighborhood.
We don't even have a beach.
Let's be clear, ***.
We miss you a lot, our beers in the park. We've been even watching your parking lots.
***-talking, Postilla. ***, you want to come with us, good.
If you don't, I'll knock you out and drag you in the plane.
Like that guy in "The A Team".
You all "Negros" are the same.
I know how to convince you. I came prepared. Just wait and you'll see.
I don't know, man. How are things in the neighborhood?
As usual, crowded with junkies and ***.
Well, there are some green areas now.
There's free beer in the street.
The police take your drugs and then they give'em back to you.
Naked girls walk by... It's improving.
Listen ***, I brought you quite a present. Tipical España.
But... I ate a tuna-corn sandwich and I'm constipated.
Here it comes.
Some left, some came back. Alpaca Juan and Rat send you their best.
But the best thing: Caki is *** the old *** of the mall for two euro.
The *** of your mother is who I'm ***!
She pays! She pays me 1000 euro everytime she sucks my ***!
And she sings on it!
It's clear the problem wasn't the island, it was me.
Some would sell their families if they could have what I got here.
Nevertheless, my list got unbalanced by, like a friend would say:
Not one nor two nor three, but three reasons.
The choice was made.
Here, ***. Roll one of these. But take off the plastic layer first.
Why don't you roll it this time?