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My name's Nicole.
I'm currently a Master Sergeant in
the Air Force Reserves.
I served 15 years active Army.
Actually, I met my husband on a train-up for deployment out
in California.
My husband and I both were called to deploy to Bosnia.
We were going to be going at the same time.
I had just gotten stationed at Fort Hood.
I didn't know a lot of people, so I contacted my mother.
She was living in California, and she moved to Texas--
to Fort Hood--
moved in--
and she just kind of stepped in where we left off, and we
both went off to Bosnia.
We were on a convoy, and my young lieutenant decided that
he needed to get out.
I was in the vehicle with him and I said, "hey, stay on the
road though, you know," and he didn't.
So, we ended up having to patch him back together,
because in Bosnia they did a lot of those homemade mines--
were everywhere.
From that moment on, I became a little detached, which, of
course, I brought back into my family too.
As a medic, to me, my survival was just to become detached
and just be there, and just not think.
Just go straight to step one, step two,
step three, step four.
And then, you think about it afterwards, and then you can't
even believe that you saw what you saw.
Or sometimes you don't even remember some of the things
that you saw.
I didn't realize at the time, some of the impacts that were
happening with my children--
not understanding that they did worry, that they did have
an imagination about what kinds of things could be
happening to us while we were away.
My daughter kind of became withdrawn a lot.
My son acted out a lot.
What they tell me now is that they just feel like I was
never there.
And at that time, they didn't understand why
we were never there.
I began to see that some of those issues were like, wow,
we are a duel military family, we are always gone, somebody's
always in harm's way.
And that's stressful for anybody, no matter the age.
I don't know if I can even put it into words, it's just,
there are things about them that I
simply just do not know.
There are stories that they have, that they can laugh
about with my mom, that I don't have that first hand
knowledge of.
After I had my last daughter, I had to go to Korea when she
was six months old.
And when I came back on my mid-tour at the six month
mark, she was a year.
And she didn't know me, she wouldn't come to me.
And I understood, but it was gut wrenching--
very gut wrenching.
I mean, I've never been afraid to get on a plane and go
anywhere, knowing I was going to get shot at,
but that felt horrible.
When I first got back, actually when I first got out
of the Army on active duty, is when I started
using the VA a lot.
I was afraid to hear these horror stories.
And I'd go in-- the Texas VA system was awesome to me.
I mean, I love it-- they really listened.
Being a medic, I would go in and I'd be like, "OK, this is
what's wrong with me, this is what's going on." And they
actually treated me like, OK, you're talking, you know, I
can work with you, whatever it is that you need.
I think the biggest challenge for me was just the new
perspective that you have. Once you've gone once,
subsequently, you know that the same person is not going
to come back.
But the people you leave behind, they don't know that.
They don't realize that, and they expect to be able to pick
up right where you left off.
And that's not the case.
You bring back this perspective of the horror that
people can do to each other--
of the living conditions that others are in.
And when you hear your girlfriend going off about her
lip gloss is too shiny, or she burnt the chicken, it's like,
I know some people who would eat that chicken, and it just
becomes irritating.
And so, you kind of back off a little bit, you don't really
want to be around people.
I had to really look at that and kind of try to become a
people person again.
My issue's kind of manifested in OCD--
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I have to do everything by task the same way all the
time, to make sure.
It's just like, I've got to make sure.
I take the certain routes when I drive--
things around the house--
the cleaning--
the dishes.
No one likes to put groceries away, because I'm going to be
mad when they're done.
And nobody likes to put the dishes away, because I'm going
to be mad when they're done.
So, it made for an intimidating household after a
while, because it's like, you could never do
anything right with me.
And every one, the kids, my husband, felt that way.
It took a while for me--
because, to me it just made sense.
But my doc says, yeah, you've probably got some
OCD going on there.
And she said, well just try the medicine, and if it makes
a difference, then we'll know.
Its not like you can test for OCD, right?
So, I did, and actually I've been being treated for about
three years now.
And I can tell the difference.
I don't have to attack everything so much.
I can sit back and go, OK, there's another way
to skin that cat.
I think the biggest thing for me was not listening--
"Oh no, that's not it." But when I actually sat down and
started listening to people who love me tell me, this is
what you're doing, this is how this is coming out, this is
what I think.
I was like, OK.
When you listen to those voices that you're affecting,
that you love, then you don't have any choice but to at
least go find out--
is there a problem that can be rectified.
The VA and the professionals there--
I've had nothing but success.
I've had nothing but like, a love and a personal connection
with the people who are treating.
They really go out of their way.
I mean, the phone calls, the letters--
everything--
it's like they're really putting out that effort to
say, hey, you're not alone.
Come on in.
Isolation breeds fear.
It breeds sadness.
But if you take the opportunity to surround
yourself with love, with understanding, with the people
who really care about you, or people who relate to what it
is that you are feeling, then only good can come from that.
No one can do this alone.
We went where we went as a team, as a platoon, as a
squad, and we did it together.
So, the only way to overcome what we did together is to
continue to work together to do that.