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narrator: Don't touch
that remote !
announcer: Now, for a small
price, you can have
the *** of your dreams.
*** Pop !
narrator: Tonight,
"The Smoking Gun" presents more
of the world's
smartest inventions.
( crowd cheering )
man: Yeah !
narrator: 20 ingenious products.
man: Nice dangle.
man: Oh, my God !
narrator: Innovations
for the whole family.
announcer: Introducing
the world's first
breast-feeding doll.
( doll crying )
man: That is really ( bleep )
weird-- I'm sorry.
narrator: And for your
four-legged friends.
announcer: Rear Gear,
the fantastic invention that
beautifies any dog's derriere.
Judy: Do they make those
for my kids' mouths ?
narrator: Stay tuned for
compelling testimonials
from our celebrity cast.
woman: This ( bleep ) cool !
narrator: Plus, special guest,
legendary pitchman
Anthony Sullivan.
Anthony: Enjoy all the comforts
of indoor plumbing while you're
outdoors, anywhere.
narrator: It's "The Smoking Gun
"Presents: The World's
Smartest Inventions."
woman: Bingo !
narrator: Order now.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Tired of the same old
boring blue jeans ?
man: Winkers.
announcer: Then it's
time for Winkers.
The specially decorated jeans
that wink while you walk.
Tonya: Oh, that's--
Those are so cool.
Rodney: Is that *** winking at
anybody else ?
'Cause it's winking at me.
man: Winkers.
Kevin: This is in case you're
worried that your *** wasn't
inviting enough
for perverts to look at.
Daniel: Her mouth is saying no,
but her pants are saying,
"Oh, yes."
man: Winkers.
announcer: Choose duck, owl...
( owl hooting )
man: Thanks a lot, Winkers.
Now I'll never be able to have
sex with an owl again.
announcer: Or one of our many
other popular designs.
Chelsea: Who...
the ( bleep ) would
wear these crazy pants ?
( dinging )
Loni: That's a lot of winking
going on.
A lot of winking.
announcer: Winkers are perfect
for a walk in the park,
running errands...
( duck quacking )
Kevin: Oh, I don't think those
ducks deserve that.
announcer: Or just showing off.
man: Wink, wink, wink !
Cut, action, cut !
man: That's the closest he's
gonna come to
an actual movie set.
I feel bad.
man: Winkers.
announcer: Get your pair today,
and next time someone cute
checks out your caboose,
don't just stand there,
wink at 'em !
man: Winkers.
man: Kiss it, baby.
man: Winkers.
announcer: Attention:
cat owners.
Tired of cleaning your
cat's litter box ?
And what about the mess
and smell ?
Say good-bye to litter for good
with Citi Kitty, the complete
cat toilet-training kit.
Billy: You know, they had me,
okay, at "Attention:
cat owners."
I don't even own a cat.
announcer: It's true.
Cats have been trained to use
the toilet for decades.
Mike: Um, news to me.
announcer: Now with Citi Kitty,
yours can, too.
Leif: Shouldn't it be called
"( bleep ) Kitty" ?
Daisy: I got something
new I want to introduce
to our relationship.
You *** in a toilet.
Tom: Now your day
has finally come.
You're gonna be potty trained.
announcer: Start living
litter-free today
with Citi Kitty.
( commentator groaning )
Chelsea: No, no.
How dare you make me
watch a cat take a leak.
Kevin: That was more staring
into a cat's eyes while he peed
than I ever planned to do.
Thanks.
( commentator grunting )
Rodney: Hey, man.
Can I get a little...
privacy here ?
announcer: Cats of all size,
age and breed can learn
to use a toilet.
Chuck: Now I gotta compete with
my cat for bathroom time ?
I don't think so.
You don't pay any rent here.
( cat meowing )
( knocking )
Daniel: ( bleep ), Whiskers,
what have you been eating ?
Light a match or something
in there, will ya ?
You're killing me.
man: Meow.
Ted: If I can teach my cat to
crap in a toilet,
I can teach it to crap in my
neighbor's mailbox.
Wait a minute.
announcer: Start living
litter-free today
with Citi Kitty,
the complete cat toilet-
training kit.
Judy: The cat wipes its paws
all over the toilet seat.
That's fun.
'Cause I love sitting on
a wet toilet seat.
John: I mean, you think they'd
teach these cats
how to flush, right ?
No.
Tonya: A cat is supposed to go
in a kitty litter box, okay ?
This ( bleep ) is the only one
that's gonna be using
my toilet, all right ?
announcer: Say good-bye to
litter for good
with Citi Kitty.
Mike: You know, they actually
have an invention
for people that don't want to
clean up cat ( bleep ).
It's called "not having a cat."
I have it and I love it.
announcer: If you own an iPod,
iPhone or digital video player,
then you need TV Hat.
Private, portable
and hands-free.
TV Hat provides
a motion-picture experience
absolutely anywhere.
Tom: Now you don't have to be
a couch potato.
You can be an anywhere potato.
Jaime: Best of all, TV Hat
completely shuts you off
from society
and renders you
unaware of your surroundings.
Mike: This movie's awesome !
Oh !
Oh, boy !
Daisy: Ha, ha !
( chuckling )
Oh, this is the best
personal-theater
experience I've ever had
on the subway.
announcer: The
custom-magnification lens
provides a big-screen
experience.
Daniel: Perfect for watching
questionable content.
Like this show !
( laughing )
announcer: The unique shades
ensure a private-viewing
experience all your own.
Kevin: Don't you go to the beach
to see the beach ?
Isn't that why the beach
is so popular ?
announcer: Getting through
a long commute ?
You need TV Hat.
Billy: What's that, Officer ?
I don't know what--
what speed I was going.
I'm watching TV Hat.
announcer: Watch what you want
on your lunch break.
Ted: Finally, I can
watch *** at work.
Thank you, TV Hat.
woman: My husband
would love this.
Daisy: It's cheaper than
divorce.
TV Hat.
announcer: TV Hat is yours for
the low price of 19.95.
Brad: At first,
it's a good price,
but then when you add in
the price of your dignity,
it becomes a lot more expensive.
announcer: Shipping
and handling is free.
Order now.
Chuck: ( laughing )
Oh, Gilligan !
You are so funny !
narrator: Coming up, products
you can't live without.
Todd: Yeah, oh yeah !
This ( bleep ) work, dawg.
narrator: Plus, can your
underwear do this ?
( farting )
Loni: Anybody smell anything ?
narrator: And later,
doggy style redefined.
man: It's a customized *** cover
for your pet.
( dog whining )
narrator: When "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
man: Did you know the average
American passes gas
nearly 20 times a day ?
That's almost once an hour.
Loni: Oh !
man: Introducing the GasBGon
Underair Brief from Dairiair.
These odor-controlling garments
just look like regular briefs,
but each pair is made from
a patented microfiltration fiber
that absorbs the foul-smelling
sulfides and excess gas.
Daisy: That is a long way to go
to describe this product.
I think I can do it
in one word.
"Fartpants."
John: If you don't have your
fart and you don't
have your smell,
then what do you have ?
You're basically a eunuch.
Kevin: If my significant other
was wearing these,
they would immediately
become less significant.
man: Underair Briefs are
guaranteed to filter up to
1,000 intestinal outbursts
without losing effectiveness.
Mike: Look, I'll cut one every
once in a while, but damn.
Frank: This is like Hazmat.
What the ( bleep ) ?
It's like a diaper.
Why don't you just
change your diet ?
Danny: I have one question.
How do you know when it's full ?
man: Call now and you'll receive
a GasBGon Flatulence
Filter Seat Cushion
at no additional cost.
Loni: It's supposed to be
space-age material and stuff.
Let me test it and see.
( farting )
Anybody smell anything ?
man: Okay, Baldwin, we can
actually go to
a game together now.
man: And with 17 decorative
slipcovers to choose from,
your cushion will never
look out of place.
Michael: Do they have a design
for ladies ?
Is there one with little hearts
and teddy bears crying ?
Tonya: Women don't fart.
( farting )
We fluff.
man: The Underair Brief
and Flatulent Filter Seat
Cushion from Dairiair.
Saving you by the seat
of your pants.
Order today.
announcer: GLH means
great-looking hair.
Just spray GLH on and it
instantly covers your bald spot,
leaving you with
great-looking hair.
It's an amazing powder that
clings to the tiniest
hairs on your head.
GLH is not a paint
or a cover-up.
man: Then what the ( bleep )
is it ?
Daisy: Dude, they got
the real Ron Popeil,
father of the infomercial
in this.
I will buy it.
What is it ?
Mike: Hey.
Look, I made a little painting
for you, Ron Popeil.
announcer: Leaving you with
great, great-looking hair !
man: Wow.
That's incredible.
This is the first time I've ever
used this product,
and I was skeptical at first,
but it works.
Ted: Oh, this stuff is great.
I spray it on my back if I'm
going to a Greek wedding.
Todd: Yeah, oh yeah !
This ( bleep ) work, dawg.
Tom: Oh, that's perfect.
( dinging )
Brad: Oh, my God !
Does it come in something that's
a little less
Richard Simmons, though ?
man: As a matter of fact, I want
to order one year's supply
of this.
Nick: 'Cause that's how long
I plan on living
after I spray these chemicals
into my skull.
Judy: "Propane, butane,
isobutane, alcohol."
Oh, "Warning: flammable."
That's good.
Kevin: Man, my hair
does look great,
but now if someone lights
a cigarette next to me, my--
Mike: Leif Garrett
needs to get this.
Then he would only have,
like 11 other problems.
Leif: I don't need it,
as we all know.
( rim shot )
announcer: And GLH is not just
for men.
woman: Wow.
I never dreamed that
I'd look like this.
Billy: No.
No, you-- you probably didn't.
announcer: This entire GLH hair
system can be yours
for only 19.95.
Daisy: Oh, my God.
Here's my credit card.
I don't have very good control
of my finances.
announcer: What can you do when
you can't afford to
miss hearing a word ?
woman: What's that ?
What did he say ?
woman: "B"-3.
woman: Oh, I had it.
Daisy: No one's yelled
"bingo" yet.
Don't give up !
This is so depressing.
announcer: Well, now, you can
get Loud 'N Clear,
the personal sound amplifier
that looks just like
a cell-phone headset.
Chelsea: Uh-oh,
the future's here !
( beeping )
announcer: It can help you hear
every word loud and clear.
man: "B"-3.
woman: Bingo !
Daisy: Awesome.
announcer: By capturing
and amplifying sound waves,
it turns ordinary hearing into
extraordinary hearing.
Mike: Ahh, ahh !
Oh, God !
announcer: So powerful, you can
even hear conversations from
across the street.
woman: They just got
another new car.
woman: He must be doing
really well.
Rodney: The old neighbors next
door are getting busy.
And I can't believe
I'm listening.
Again.
Leif: This is just
invasion of privacy.
This is wrong.
Jaime: I'm both frightened
and intrigued.
Tonya: Oh, great,
so I'm a "quacker."
Brad: This is amazing.
You can literally hear how
not funny Tonya is,
as if she's not funny
right next to you.
Tonya: I can hear what you're
saying, ( bleep ).
announcer: Ever wonder what
people are saying
when you can't hear them ?
With Loud 'N Clear, you can
discreetly listen in.
Kevin: He's not just some tool
who walks around wearing
a Bluetooth all day,
he's also a pervert who spies on
other people's conversations.
woman: Isn't he cute ?
He just moved into the building.
Danny: Why would I want to hear
a bunch of chicks say,
"Isn't that that washed-up kid
from the 'Partridge Family' ?"
announcer: Call right now
and we'll include a second
Loud 'N Clear free,
but you gotta call now.
Daisy: Why hasn't anyone thought
of this before ?
It's an aid that helps you hear.
It's an aid for hearing.
Or a hearing helper.
They should have
invented this already.
woman: Bingo !
announcer: Can't seem to find
those pesky oven mitts
when you really need them ?
Introducing HandyMitts.
( commentator grunting )
Jaime: They have mitts for
giving "handies" now ?
( buzzer ringing )
Oh, what are they, then ?
announcer: Thanks to
HandyMitts' unique
retraction system,
your hands have never been safer
from dangerous kitchen hazards.
Nick: Those mitts are almost
three feet away.
I don't want to walk all the way
over to the counter
and pick 'em up.
Billy: Oh, oh, I see.
Oh, they're on little strings.
Judy: I like the HandyMitts.
Leif: Julia Child is just,
right now, turning in her grave.
This is so pathetic.
announcer: Best of all,
HandyMitts is so easy to use.
Simply slip your hands in when
you need them
and slip them out again
when your work is done.
Chelsea: I'm pretty sure this
didn't need to be
as weird as it is,
but he went ahead and put his
personal stamp on it.
( commentator grunting )
Quick on the draw !
Kevin: Who's getting
the casserole first ?
( commentator grunting )
No, I don't think so.
Loni: Instead of HandyMitts,
you need to get you some pants.
Jaime: HandyMitts are also good
for slapping people
across the room.
announcer: Order now and kiss
your old kitchen mitts good-bye.
Bryan: Of course, I better not
misplace my apron.
So a lot of times, I sew my
apron to my own skin.
Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here
with a special limited TV offer.
Stop settling for cheap
reproductions of
child stars gone wild.
Now you can own
the actual Danny Bonaduce.
Like distressed leather,
his beat-up appearance makes him
an instant classic
and he'll do anything
for a laugh.
Imagine your parties.
Get your Bonaduce today.
Only available in red.
narrator: Coming up,
we've got you covered,
from nuts...
Loni: Ooh.
man: Yeah !
narrator: ... to butts.
announcer: It's here.
*** Pop.
Tonya: I already got a ***.
narrator: But wait,
there's more !
announcer: Batter Blaster.
Just shake, point and blast.
Chelsea: Been there, done that.
narrator: When "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Man's best friend.
But even best friends need to
keep some things private.
Face it, your pooch's posterior
isn't his most attractive asset.
( dog whining )
Introducing Rear Gear,
the fantastic invention
that beautifies
any dog's derriere.
Roger: So basically,
it's a customized *** cover
for your pet.
Nick: I gotta be honest
with you.
I've never really studied
my dog's ***.
I tend to look other places.
Frank: But what happens if
the dog has to take a crap ?
announcer: The handy loop makes
Rear Gear easy to attach.
commentator: Seriously ?
Tonya: Why don't you just go
and get yourself, you know,
an air freshener
and hang that on his tail ?
Judy: Do they make those
for my kids' mouths ?
Kevin: The directions for this,
seriously, say, open the bag,
cover the brown eye,
invite the in-laws.
Does even one of those things
sound like a good idea ?
Any of 'em ?
announcer: Rear Gear comes in
a variety of styles.
Brad: Oh, look.
His number two is number one.
Daisy: I have two
interests in life.
Number one,
making my dog look cute.
Number two, denying that ***
its best pleasure in life
of sniffing other dogs' butts.
Thanks, Rear Gear.
You made it happen.
announcer: Rear Gear.
It's what all the best-dressed
dogs are wearing.
Daniel: They should make these
in the likeness of the person
who orders them,
because if you make your dog
wear this, you're an ( bleep ).
announcer: Order yours today !
announcer: Uh-oh !
Are those pants getting too
tight to close ?
Oh, no !
That button is ready to pop.
Stop !
You need the Perfect Fit Button.
The quickest, easiest way to
add or reduce inches on
the waistband of your pants.
Kevin: Oh, I get it.
Uh, it's a button.
Billy: What's that great
expression ?
Nobody ever lost money
overestimating the fatness
of the American people ?
Tonya: The food's good,
you gotta eat
and if it's too much,
big frickin' deal.
announcer: Simply pop on
the Perfect Fit Button
and attach the specially
designed secure-lock fastener.
No one will ever know
you're wearing it.
Daisy: Except for the telltale
weird two-button crotch
you're sporting.
Jaime: No one will ever know
you're wearing it
unless they look down.
Brad: If your pants
have gotten so tight
that you need to use this,
it may be time to
abandon pants altogether
and just live in a Snuggie.
announcer: Just attach
the fastener onto the pin
to hold firmly in place.
Simply squeeze
the fastener to remove.
Loni: All I do is leave
my pants unbuttoned.
That's comfortable fit.
Leif: That's a hot look.
It's a really good look.
announcer: It's like having
a custom tailor at your
fingertips.
Bryan: Thanks a lot,
Perfect Fit Button,
for putting me out of work.
I hate you.
announcer: When you lose weight,
just remove
the Perfect Fit Button.
As you lose more weight, simply
pop it on the other side.
Daniel: Something tells me that
the Perfect Fit Button
has never been pinned to
the right side of a waistband.
announcer: Even too big
hand-me-downs
fit perfectly in seconds.
Chelsea: Thanks, Mom,
but I prefer new jeans.
Kevin: If this had been around
when I was a kid, I'm pretty
sure my brothers and I
would have shared about three
pairs of pants for 18 years.
announcer: Plus, it gets
even better.
You'll also get the amazing
Shoes Under.
Judy: And you know what else
we're gonna give you ?
Something that has nothing
to do with buttons !
announcer: Watch, you'll fit up
to 24 shoes.
Slide and store shoes under your
bed to perfectly organize all
your shoes, belts and scarves.
Mike: Oh, Shoes Under.
When are you gonna graduate to
the stupid thing they sell,
not the stupid thing
they give away ?
announcer: So call now !
announcer: Hey, sports fans.
If you like to play hard,
you need the NuttyBuddy,
athletic protection for a man's
most sensitive area.
NuttyBuddy's unique cross shape
absorbs the force of any blow
and transfers it to
the surrounding pelvic bone,
leaving your genitals
undisturbed.
But don't take our word for it.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Littell.
I've been in the game
a long time, ever since
I was 18 years old.
I think I'm over
50-something right now.
Jaime: You think you're
in your 50s ?
Maybe you should be more worried
about protecting your head.
Mark: But anyway, we're gonna
test the NuttyBuddy today
to see if this thing's really as
mean and tough
as we think it is.
Judy: Actually, I've seen
something just like this
called a cup.
Roger: I thought the NuttyBuddy
was an ice-cream cone with nuts.
Isn't it ?
Mike: I'd like to think
I know male anatomy.
I know what these two are.
And then, I guess I could
see what this is.
What's this ?
Billy: It's like a youth center
for your testicles.
It gives them a place to go
where they won't
get into trouble.
announcer: To demonstrate
the strength and effectiveness
of NuttyBuddy,
Mark is going to put himself
directly in the firing line
of a pitching machine.
Mark: We got some help today,
we got Lacey.
She goes to Capital High School
up here in Helena, Montana,
and she's gonna drop
the ball in...
Kevin: You know, if you're gonna
have to get hit in the nuts,
you might as well get a pretty
lady to do it.
Mark: All right, here we go.
Daisy: No.
No, put your pants back on !
Put your pants back on !
Mark: Yeah, let's go !
Ha, ho !
Yeah !
( man laughing )
All the way !
man: Oh, no way !
Mike: That has to hurt
a little bit.
Like, you can hurt your nuts
with just a-- just a bad breeze.
They're very sensitive.
Mark: ... ho.
Yeah !
( man laughing )
All the way !
Tonya: So all you idiots out
there that want to
try stupid stuff,
go buy one of these,
stand there
and get something that throws
a ball at you really hard
and we'll see if it works.
Danny: Okay, kids.
Time to take the NuttyBuddy
out for a test-drive.
It works !
Mark: ... ho.
Yeah !
( man laughing )
All the way !
It works !
woman: An Australian woman had
unwanted facial hair
that she just couldn't get
rid of by any means
until she found ***'s.
host: Could you tell us a
little bit about the success story
that you've had with *** ?
lady: I've got some
photographs here.
And I think you'll
see a big difference.
host: Oh, my word.
That is wonderful
that this product
was able to help
you in such a way.
Brad: You're all looking at it
like you're looking at
a back-alley abortion.
Show us the picture already.
host: That is incredible.
lady: My friends
see the difference.
Loni: What the hell the picture
look like ?
What she look like ?
Ooh !
host: Wow !
Judy: Oh, my God !
Mike: Oh, ( bleep ) !
Is there a full moon ?
Don't show me that !
lady: It's very successful,
and it doesn't take long,
just a few minutes.
Chris: Isn't this just waxing
minus the screaming ?
Daisy: Someone said try a razor.
I said, can a razor
deal with this ?
( ripping )
Oh !
lady: My friends say, "Ah, you know
you'll be a movie star now."
Loni: Uh, excuse me.
Let's not overdo it, sweetie.
Rodney: You're not gonna be
a movie star.
You're gonna be in the ***'s
hair-removal commercial.
And that's it.
lady: My mother...
gave me this jar of ***.
Jaime: Oh.
I've been trying to get my hands
on some ***'s for years.
Mike: Here's a good way to test
the name of your product.
Say it to a 13-year-old boy.
If he starts giggling,
pick another name.
lady: I would say that I
look much better now.
Ted: Okay, listen up, ladies.
***'s can remove unwanted hair
from your chin and chest,
but you'll still need surgery
to remove your testicles.
narrator: Coming up...
Anthony: Introducing
the Bumper Dumper.
( commentator sighing )
narrator: Plus, more
pet-training products.
announcer: Before long, your
guppy will be shooting hoops.
narrator: And later...
announcer: It's here,
Japan's most popular sleep aid.
Danny: Because my number-one
complaint about my pillow is
not enough role-playing.
narrator: When "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Imagine being able to
reshape your backside
and achieve that ultimate,
shapely lifted *** instantly.
It's here.
Hollywood's hottest new
trade secret.
*** Pop.
*** Pop *** are now
revolutionizing women's
undergarments, giving you
sexy curves
and the ultimate lift.
Todd: *** Pop !
Made for the white girl
with no ***.
Sisters don't need *** Pop.
Loni: It's all natural, baby.
Tonya: I don't need 'em.
I already got a ***.
announcer: Now you can get that
fabulous figure,
that "bootylicious,"
perky pop that all women want.
Nick: You know, you women, you
fake us with your fake nails,
your fake ***,
your hair extensions.
Now your *** ?
Even your *** ?
Chelsea: Oh, you don't like it ?
I got it for you, Boo-boo.
announcer: The secret to
*** Pop is its
strategically placed pads
inside the *** that lift
buttocks, leaving a sexier,
more desirable *** instantly.
Kevin: Even if these pads do
make your *** pop,
the rest of you still looks like
the owner of a sub-par ***.
Chelsea: I think this creates
too many awkward situations
in which you have to explain,
like, why your ***
feels like a mattress.
announcer: *** Pop turns
a droopy derriere into
a youthful-looking, head-turning
"bootylicious" ***.
Daisy: ♪ Pop it ♪
♪ Let's pop it ♪
♪ Let's *** Pop ♪♪
Michael: If women get to wear
the *** Pop, I get to wear,
um... the "Snake Trousers."
Check that out.
That is all...
padding, *** !
announcer: Boost your bottom in
jeans, shorts,
dresses and more.
Jaime: Before *** Pop.
After *** Pop.
Loni: They wouldn't need
a *** Pop if they ate
a damn sandwich.
announcer: Be sure to
check out our website
to see all the exciting
*** Pop colors available.
Tonya: So for those people that
really want to have a butt,
get 'em.
And they come in purple.
announcer: Call or log on now
to get the amazing
*** Pop ***
for the introductory
TV price of just 19.95.
This is a limited-time offer,
so call or log on right now.
Anthony: Can we watch it again ?
'Cause there's some
great-looking ***
in that commercial.
announcer: *** Pop.
announcer: Tropical fish are
beautiful.
But let's face it,
they're also a little boring.
Not anymore.
( commentator grunting )
Introducing
the R2 Fish School Kit.
commentator: Touchdown !
announcer: Just follow our
easy-to-use instructions
and before long, your guppy
will be shooting hoops...
commentator: Whoo !
announcer ... taking it
to the end zone...
commentator: Yeah !
announcer: ... doing
the limbo...
commentator: I did it, did it !
announcer: ... and swimming with
precision you never
thought possible.
commentator: Yes !
Nick: You know, soccer's not
boring enough when it's played
by humans.
Let's slow it down underwater.
With fish.
commentator: Yes !
Jaime: If you put a bunch of
crap in a fish bowl,
eventually it'll look like
the fish are playing with it.
announcer: Every R2 Fish School
Kit comes with a free
instructional DVD.
man: Welcome, future fish
trainers.
The first step is to get your
fish to recognize
and touch the ball.
When he does, you should
reward him with food.
Chris: You know, it's not enough
that I've imprisoned this fish,
let me make him
work for his food.
Jaime: My fish refused to touch
the ball, so I didn't
give him his "reward."
Now he's dead.
Thanks, Fish School.
commentator: Thank you !
Thank you !
Billy: I bet this could
work on our cast members.
Chuck: What you want me to say ?
Bryan: It's so exciti--
So exciting.
I can't-- I can't tell you how
excited I am.
Leif: What am I getting
fed for, am I...
Mike: Bull( bleep ) !
man: Comet sure loves to
head the ball around,
but the goal is to score a goal.
Excuse the pun.
Kevin: I will not excuse it
because that wasn't a pun.
You just said
the word "goal" twice.
announcer: The R2 Fish School
Kit.
Everything you need to train
your fish to do amazing tricks.
Daniel: Hey, which one of these
accessories teaches my fish
to breathe on dry land ?
announcer: Order now.
commentator: I'm out, I'm out !
Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here.
Ah, the great outdoors.
There's no place more relaxing.
But what do you do
when nature calls ?
There's the digging...
and the squatting.
( farting )
Introducing the Bumper Dumper.
commentator: Ah...
( sighing )
Anthony: The bathroom
breakthrough
that lets you enjoy all
the comforts of indoor plumbing
while you're outdoors.
Roger: I'm out in
the middle of nowhere.
Does it really matter
where I put it ?
Tom: This is great, because
sometimes you get so excited
when you catch a fish
that you'll
( bleep ) your pants.
Daisy: Do not tell
Jeff Foxworthy about
the Bumper Dumper.
commentator: Bumper Dumper ?
Daisy: He will base an entire
comeback tour around it.
Anthony: The Bumper Dumper
quickly and easily mounts to
your truck or SUV.
Daniel: Attach this to the back
of your truck and you'll
literally be hauling ***.
Brad: No, kids,
I'm slowing down to 35.
Climb out the back window
and hold on.
Danny: Hey, try not to go over
so many bumps.
Anthony: And the
injection-molded
space-age polymer seat
provides support
you can count on,
letting you take care of
business anywhere.
Mike: Hmm, would you
look at that.
Fed is raising
interest rates again.
That is crazy.
Bryan: And I'll tell you, it may
smell bad, but, boy, does it
bring back some memories.
Ted: And what I've found is when
the bag is full, you can just
toss it on the freeway.
commentator: What the heck
is that ?
Anthony: The cost, just 69.95.
Chuck: It's good even when
you're doing...
( farting )
... an interview.
Anthony: So what are you
waiting for ?
Order now.
announcer: For years and years,
people have made pancakes
and waffles
the same old-fashioned way,
with milk, eggs, flour,
mixing bowls
measuring cups...
and all that mess.
Judy: It was never
like that, okay ?
No one made me ( bleep )
pancakes.
announcer: Announcing
Batter Blaster.
Just shake, point,
blast and cook.
Mike: Life just got a little
simpler, America.
There you go, another invention
you didn't know you needed.
Todd: I'm throwing this away.
That's crap.
This is where it's at.
announcer: Again, just shake,
point, blast and cook it.
It's that easy.
Chelsea: Shake, point and blast.
Been there, done that.
Leif: This is all
a disguise for whippits !
announcer: Batter Blaster
makes fluffy pancakes
or light waffles in no time.
Jaime: I'd never skip breakfast
if I could just squirt
a pancake into my mouth.
Michael: *** want some
pancakes ?
*** get some pancakes.
Bryan: I have a Batter Blaster.
But, well, you can't buy it,
'cause it's attached to me.
women: ♪ Make a better ♪
♪ Breakfast faster ♪
♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪
Daisy: Look happier about
those pancakes, kid.
We got 19 more takes of this
coming your way.
announcer: It's organic,
easy and fun.
It's the tastiest for everyone.
Make a better breakfast faster.
Batter Blaster.
Chris: Whatever time you save
using this product
will be lost in
the bathroom later.
women: ♪ Make a better ♪
♪ Breakfast faster ♪
♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪
Roger: Yeah, but can they do it
with meat loaf ?
narrator: Coming up...
announcer: Introducing
the affordable orthopedic bed
for your dog.
Loni: Is that Leif Garrett ?
narrator: And a chair
that cares.
Mike: A normal chair
ignores the genitals.
This chair can't think enough
about your genitals.
narrator: Plus, parental
supervision required.
announcer: The doll that teaches
your little girl to breast-feed.
Leif: We'll get the blow-up doll
to teach our son
the other stuff.
( doll crying )
narrator: When "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: You sleep soundly
in a comfortable bed
and wake up feeling relaxed
and rejuvenated.
But what about your
best friend ?
woman: Here, Cecil.
announcer: How's he
feeling today ?
( dog whining )
announcer: Introducing
the DogPedic Sleep System,
the affordable orthopedic bed
designed to provide comfort,
relief and happiness
for your dog.
Mike: Oh, God.
My dog didn't get
any sleep last night.
How is he ever gonna get through
the day of sleeping
whenever he wants ?
announcer: Guaranteed or your
money back.
Judy: You want to know where
else I've seen a dog
look comfy ?
On my kitchen floor.
Nick: I've got a $2,000
mattress, I toss
and turn all night,
meanwhile, my dog sleeps
on a bed of nails.
It's fine.
announcer: The secret is an
exclusive combination of
memory foam and support foam
that contours to his
exact body shape
while evenly supporting his
overall weight.
Daniel: At last, a dog can lick
his balls atop a mattress
designed by NASA engineers.
announcer: We dropped
a 20-pound watermelon onto an
ordinary dog bed
and it broke into pieces.
But with DogPedic,
the melon doesn't break.
Kevin: So if I drop my dog off
a ladder onto this mattress,
it won't explode.
Very helpful.
announcer: Other dog beds get
lumpy and lose their shape
over time,
but DogPedic's memory foam
always returns to its
original shape,
providing years of
comfort and support.
Loni: You can buy this thing
and your dog will still sleep
in the bed with you.
Daisy: I'm glad
I spent the money.
announcer: DogPedic comfortably
supports dogs
weighing as much as 150 pounds.
Jaime: The large one
is for up to 150 pounds ?
How much ?
No, I don't have a dog.
announcer: Guaranteed or your
money back.
woman: Here, Cecil !
Tonya: I love my pet
and he's like my child,
but I'm not gonna buy him
a doggy bed that's worth more
than my bed, okay ?
announcer: Order the DogPedic
Sleep System now.
man: Hello and welcome to
"Amazing Inventions."
Today I want to introduce you
to a fantastic new product from
Scandinavia.
It's called the Salli Chair
and it's sure to
improve your posture.
Let's hear from the product's
inventor, Veli-Jussi Jalkanen.
Veli-Jussi: Anatomically
designed seats fits to
the pelvic and minimizes
the disturbance
to the circulation.
Bones carry the weight,
not soft tissues.
See how the genitals
make use of the gap.
Kevin: Last time I heard
someone say the phrase,
"Look how the genitals
make use of the gap,"
I called the police.
John: Oh.
Oh...
Michael: It's kind of comfy.
Hot, right ?
Chelsea: There you are
in the chair.
Yes, I do see your genitals,
resting gently in the gap.
That's great.
Veli-Jussi: Gap in the seat
is needed to keep the pressure
away from sensitive genitals.
Conventional chair
brings you poor posture
and lots of physical problems.
Bryan: If I'm using
the Salli Chair,
I no longer have a backache
and my genitals look as pristine
and as shapely as they did
when I first sat down.
Mike: A normal chair
ignores the genitals.
This chair can't think enough
about your genitals.
Loni: I ain't got no genitals.
( buzzer ringing )
Do I ?
Veli-Jussi: An undivided
saddle chair in the right
saddle-chair posture,
even the testicles get pressed,
not to mention
the root of ***.
Kevin: Yeah, actually, please
don't mention it.
Veli-Jussi: Try without
underwear.
That is most comfortable.
Roger: I'm commando right now.
Leif: It's a nice dangle.
Veli-Jussi: Reaching out is
safe and works like exercise
in your back muscles.
Chelsea: This would be
the perfect office chair
if I was in Cirque du Soleil
and had some paperwork to do.
Veli-Jussi: We look for
standing posture in the back.
Also in sitting,
to avoid the back problems.
Billy: "Use as directed."
I inadvertently sat in it
backwards and I gave
myself a rupture.
man: If you're on the edge of
your seat to get
the Salli Chair,
you'll be glad to know it's
available in ergonomic furniture
stores the world over.
Good night and thanks for
watching "Amazing Inventions."
announcer: After a long day
at work,
all you want to do
is spend time with that
special someone.
But sometimes, that's
just not possible.
Introducing the Lap Pillow,
one of the most popular
sleep-aid products
is finally available here
in the states.
Chelsea: Yay, amputee cushions !
Danny: Sure, because my
number-one complaint about my
pillow at home
is not enough role-playing.
announcer: The Lap Pillow
is ergonomically designed
to cradle the head.
Michael: No, seriously,
it's the only way I can sleep.
I need this.
Bryan: A lot of guys
like to rest like this.
I like to take naps like this.
announcer: And the sateen
skirt-and-apron ensemble
is soft to the touch.
Daniel: I'm glad these come
dressed in a maid outfit,
because if there's one thing
I'm a stickler about,
it's that my fetish pillows
have jobs.
Hey !
Chuck: I wonder what is
up under here.
Ooh !
More pillow.
announcer: Meaning you'll have
sweet dreams all night long.
Best of all, the Lap Pillow is
guaranteed to be there in
the morning when you wake up.
Judy: Let me lie with you.
Is your wife coming home ?
She's a ***.
I hate her.
announcer: Order the Lap Pillow
today, and if you don't feel
refreshed after the first night,
send it back,
no questions asked.
Ted: Finally, someone's invented
a nice, clean pillow
to replace that rotting
maid's torso I used to sleep on.
announcer: Call now.
Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan
here.
Remember the '70s ?
If you do, you're in better
shape than this guy,
Leif Garrett.
Made specifically for dancing,
this former heartthrob
can be all yours
exclusively from
"The Smoking Gun."
So order today.
narrator: You've sampled
19 fantastic inventions.
Mark: ... ho.
Yeah !
narrator: But the smartest new
invention of all is still
sitting in the warehouse
and it's guaranteed to
soothe your inner child.
woman: My husband
would love this.
narrator: Find out what it is
when we return.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: For centuries,
little girls have loved to
imitate their mothers.
Now they can do it
like never before.
Introducing Bebé Glotón,
the world's first breast-feeding
doll from Spanish toy company
Berjuan.
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
Frank: That is really
( bleep ) weird, I'm sorry.
announcer: Bebé Glotón means
"hungry baby,"
a perfect name for a doll that
lets any little girl pretend
she's nursing her
very own bundle of joy.
( doll crying )
Kevin: Spain sees teen pregnancy
and they say,
"No, no, not young enough."
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
Leif: We'll get the blow-up doll
to teach our son
the other stuff.
( doll crying )
announcer: Bebé Glotón comes
with a colorful halter top
adorned with two
strategically placed flowers.
Your little one simply places
the doll's mouth
on one of the flowers
and she's nursing.
John: Okay, these aren't
just faux nipples.
They're pasties.
Nick: Mama.
Sounds like me
when I'm doing this.
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
( doll crying )
Billy: You know, it seems like
fun in the ad,
but it ain't so much fun when
you gotta nurse
Bebé Glotón at 4:00 a.m.
( doll crying )
Judy: Shut up !
Chuck: My nipples
are killing me !
Mike: This has gotta be
the creepiest thing
I've ever done.
announcer: When feeding time's
over, burp Bebé Glotón
to ease her to sleep.
Chelsea: I'm pretty sure
you don't burp a baby
from the front.
But it's great that this doll's
teaching her how to be a mom.
Loni: Oh, excuse me.
Oh !
announcer: Bebé Glotón costs
just 59.95
for countless hours
of grown-up fun.
( doll suckling )
Kevin: How long could
nursing a baby be fun ?
Like a minute ?
announcer: Order now.
( doll crying )
Loni: I don't want to
play no more.
Brad: Let's start out with
a tap, just to make sure
it's sitting right.
Don't ( bleep ) full-out
softball me, okay ?
Chuck: I'm so glad
that I showered today.
Mike: I guess you don't
want me to drop trou.
man: I don't know.
If you-- if you are
comfortable with this--
Mike: Nah, it's all right.
Brad: Oh, oh.
That's nice.
Michael: Oh, that one hurt.
Ahh.
Tonya: For all of us
that want to have sex,
you can do it like this
and your boyfriend
can come up behind you.
Mike: This doesn't
look weird at all.
This doesn't look like
I friggin' don't belong
in society.
Nick: Ooh, do I want to see my
favorite show
or do I not want to get laid
for the rest of my life ?
Brad: Oh !
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
A little more.
I'm almost there.
I think I love you.
John: Just put some Vicodins
in here and Leif comes running.
Brad: Oh, yeah !
It works !
Jaime: ♪ Da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪♪
( doll suckling )
Danny: Look, I am so ( bleep )
skeeved, man.
Daisy: Ahh !
No !
I don't like it,
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
Captioned by Soundwriters™