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I wanted to start this video off with an explanation of why Hamster Thursday is actually Harbor
Seal Thursday this week, but then I found myself with footage of our boy-hero Ashibe
there, screaming at a hamburger. Cannot, cannot, cannot make this up. But let's back up a bit.
The hamsters are still on vacation - I think they're laid over at O'Hare Airport - and
so it's Harbor Seal Thursday, featuring our favorite adorable harbor seal pup, Gon-chan.
Though unlike his Super Famicom outing, where he platformed his way - adorably - through
an amusement park, this time he's... um, serving as the damage gauge for a very strange, super-minimalist
RPG. In an amusement park. That features a boy screaming at hamburgers.
Let's try this again. Ashibe gets a letter from his grandpa, inviting him to a recently-opened
amusement park, and if there's one thing we've learned it's that this tends to end badly
for all involved. There are five parks, and they all contain... um... horrible food products
attempting to impede your progress. And you thought Vanillite was bad, I've hit two different
ice creams, popsicles, cups, that burger we saw earlier, and... I've got no idea what
this is. Maybe a bean of some kind? Anyway. Ashibe and his two teammates - which change
depending on which park you're presently raiding - take the RPG action down to its bare essentials:
You've got an attack command, a heal command, and a run the hell away command if you just
don't need those empty calories in your diet today. Their attacks, all functionally similar,
range from shouting to... um... conspicuously NOT shouting and just ellipsis-ing at the
mob, to this Shampoo-wannabe beaning a creepy-looking clown with a wok. However, you don't get numbers
to tell you how effective the attack was, you get... well, no indication whatsoever.
And if you take damage, you don't lose HP, Gon-chan's picture down there just gets more
distressed. That's it. No numbers, just pictures of seals. Harbor Seal Thursday, folks.
Thing is, while I'm not generally opposed to stripped-back interpretations of RPGs,
they're rather prone to the pitfalls of the genre, like encounter rate. Y'know those Zubat
in Mt. Moon? That place will look like a damn GHOST TOWN compared to how bad the encounter
rate gets here. You'd think there'd be some kind of litter crew equipped with, I don't
know, signs or something to take care of this mess, being that it is, after all, an AMUSEMENT
PARK. Also, rather than using any healing items whatsoever, you've... um. You've got
a seal. And his cuteness and adorable proclamations of "Kyu kyu" are apparently enough to reinvigorate
any member of your party, whose health gauges you might remember are THE SELFSAME SEAL'S
FACE. And there appears to be no limit to how much you can do this. This isn't a game
then, really, as there's no resource management outside of "remember to heal." What it is,
is... um... Hey, remember when that kid yelled at a hamburger while a confused seal looked
on? I remember that.