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- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...
- IT'S YO AGENT, CALLING FROM THE COAST,
WITH THE PROSPECT OF A SIGNIFICANT PAYDAY.
- I'LL TAKE IT.
- [gasps] - OH, ***.
MAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
I END UP NEXT TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IN THE TRI-STATE AREA, AND I GO AND SPILL A DRINK IN HER LAP.
- GUESS WE SHOULDN'T RUIN IT BY KEEPING IN TOUCH OR ANYTHING.
- ALAS, THIS ONE'S NOT YOUR LADY ANYMORE, HANK.
- HE'S LIKE YOU... - BATES.
- BUT AWESOME.
- HOW'S BECCA? - BOYFRIEND.
NOW, I WANT TO KILL HIM, HANK.
- WE'RE KEEPING IT SIMPLE.
I COME IN PEACE, OKAY?
- THE KID'S A LOATHSOME ***' ***.
- GREAT SEEING YOU, DAD. ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
- HE WANTS HANK TO COME TO HIM. - WHO THE *** IS "HE"?
- SAMURAI APOCALYPSE.
- I NEED YOUR WORDS.
WHAT THE *** ELSE YOU GONNA DO, WRITE ANOTHER BOOK?
*** THAT, LET'S GET PAID, ***.
MOODY, THIS IS KALI. REMEMBER THIS NAME, KALI, YO.
[sexy rock music]
♪ ♪
- OH, MY WORD.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
- WHY?
WAS I DOING SOMETHING WRONG?
- OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT WAS WORLD CLASS.
- [laughs] - SOME GIRLS ARE TIMID
AND LACK FOCUS, BUT YOU,
YOU SHOULD BE IN ***.
- HMM?
- BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO BE.
YOU ARE NOT TAKING THIS IN THE SPIRIT IN WHICH IT WAS INTENDED.
- MM-MMM.
MMM.
- ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN.
- NO, ALLOW ME, ***!
- [screams]
- DIE!
DIE, ***!
YAAAAH!
- [grunts]
- WHOO! - [sighs]
CHARLIE, THANK GOD.
[sighs]
YOU WEREN'T JUST BLOWIN' ME RIGHT NOW, WERE YOU?
- NO, SIRREE, I MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT.
- NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT? - NO. NO.
YOUR MAGIC JOHNSON WAS NOWHERE NEAR MY ORAL CAVITY.
I DID JUST BEAT OFF IN THE SHOWER, THOUGH.
YEAH. I EVEN GOT A LITTLE *** ON MY FOOT, RIGHT HERE.
DON'T WORRY, WASHED RIGHT OFF.
- YOU ARE A ***' ANIMAL, YOU KNOW THAT?
*** L.A.
I ONLY HAVE DREAMS LIKE THIS WHEN I'M HERE.
- HEY, NOW. YOU RELAX.
HAVE YOURSELF A CUP OF BLACK GOLD.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO?
WE WILL--WE WILL TAKE A WALK ALONG THE BEACH,
WE'LL GAZE UPON SOME FOXY MALIBU HARD BODIES.
- *** THAT ***.
CAN YOU GET ME ON A PLANE BACK TO NEW YORK TONIGHT, PLEASE?
- WHAT ABOUT SAMURAI APOCALYPSE?
- WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- HE WANTS YOU, AND ONLY YOU.
HE LOVES YOUR BLACK ***.
- WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE ONE'S BLACK *** WANTED,
BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THE FEELINGS ARE RECIPROCATED.
- WELL, THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HIM.
- THAT'S YOUR JOB, AGENT.
- HE IS A VERY IMPORTANT CLIENT, HANK.
THIS NEEDS TO BE FINESSED. - AND IF IT ISN'T?
- THEN I WILL BE VERY UPSET WITH YOU.
- [sighs]
AND WHAT WOULD THAT ENTAIL, EXACTLY?
- I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY. - [laughs]
- BUT IT WILL PROBABLY INVOLVE
NOT RETURNING YOUR CALLS IN A TIMELY MANNER.
- [laughing] OH, NO. [cell phone tune]
AW, ***.
YO-LA.
- BECCA IS REALLY UPSET WITH YOU.
- YEAH, THAT'S SORT OF A TRENDING TOPIC RIGHT NOW.
- I JUST THINK YOU SHOULD TRY AND MAKE IT UP TO HER
BEFORE YOU LEAVE TOWN.
- WHITE WOMAN, PLEASE. SHE'LL THANK ME LATER.
- MAYBE, BUT YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME,
YOU COULD KISS AND MAKE NICE.
[laughing] SHE'S YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER.
- OH, THANK GOD.
WHAT? - [laughs]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' OVER THERE?
ARE YOU AND BATES PLAYIN' GRAB-***?
- STOP. - WOMAN--
- [laughing] STOP. - BE A PROFESSIONAL,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
DOES--D-D-DOES BECCA NEED AN IPAD OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
- WHAT? - BYE, HANK.
- KA--
CHARLIE, CAN YOU GET ME AN IPAD?
- MOST CERTAINLY, IF YOU SIT DOWN WITH THE SAMURAI.
- YOU'RE A REAL *** ***' ***, YOU KNOW THAT?
- ***? ***? I *** HEAR YOU.
I'VE GOT AN EAR IN-***-TION.
I'LL FINGER IT OUT LATER.
- YOU STILL GOT SOME *** ON YOUR FOOT.
MADE YOU LOOK.
[mouth click]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[hard rock music]
♪ ♪
- OH, AH, AH, AH, AH. BECCA MOODY.
TA-DA! [whistles]
- TA-DA.
- OH, YOU HAVE ONE ALREADY?
- I'M NOT 12. YOU CAN'T BRIBE ME ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU CAN,
BUT YOU HAVE TO ADJUST FOR LIFESTYLE AND INFLATION.
- I AM NOT TRYIN' TO BRIBE YOU, SWEETIE.
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO WEAKEN YOUR STEELY RESOLVE
TO HATE THE OLD MAN.
- I DON'T HATE YOU.
I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU DON'T TRUST ME,
AND THAT YOU CAN'T PUT ASIDE ALL YOUR PETTY JUDGMENTAL ***
FOR THE DURATION OF ONE SIMPLE DINNER.
- THAT'S FAIR. [sniffs]
BUT HE WAS KIND OF A TOOL.
- THIS IS HOW YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY?
- [sighs] YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S--LET'S SWITCH GEARS. - [laughs]
- WHAT?
- MMM.
WHAT, YOU DON'T WANT TO MAN-POUND?
- NOT REALLY. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY.
- OKAY, FINE, BE THAT WAY, DUDE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? - I GO HERE.
- AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD FOR COLLEGE?
WHAT ARE YOU, ON THE SIX-YEAR PLAN, STEPHEN HAWKING?
- IT'S CALLED GRAD SCHOOL. I'M A T.A.
- IT'S HOW WE MET. - MM-HMM.
- HEY, THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
- DAD, DURING YOUR TENURE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR,
YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR T.A.,
THE DEAN'S WIFE, AND ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS.
SHE WAS A STRIPPER, TOO.
- WAY TO GO, HANK. UP HIGH.
- IF YOU MUST KNOW,
THAT WAS A PARTICULARLY TOUGH TIME FOR ME.
I WAS NOT WELL. - MM-HMM.
- [sniffs] AND I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES.
THIS IS NOT GOING AS I HAD HOPED.
- IPAD 2? VERY NICE.
- HE TRIED TO BRIBE ME WITH IT.
- YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE. - THAT SHE DOES.
- WELL, I DON'T ALREADY HAVE ONE.
[gasps] WOW.
THANKS, HANK.
YOU'RE REALLY STARTIN' TO GROW ON ME.
PINK, THOUGH?
IS THAT-- WHATEVER, I'LL TAKE IT.
- [laughs]
- MMM. [laughs]
- PUT MY DAUGHTER BACK ON THE GROUND, PLEASE.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
FREDO, HOW'S IT HANGING?
- OH, QUITE LOW, SIR.
IS THE MASTER EXPECTING YOU?
- NO, THIS IS MORE OF A COLD CALL.
- OH, DO PLEASE COME IN, SIR. - THANK YOU.
HEY.
- WHAT THE *** ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I MIGHT ASK YOU THE VERY SAME QUESTION.
- IT'S COMPLICATED.
- I'M GUESSING HE DOESN'T KNOW WE'RE MARRIED.
- [laughs] YOU'RE FUNNY.
- AND WE JUST MADE OUT... ON A PLANE.
WE WERE UP IN THE AIR. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
- YOU KNOW, HE HAS GUNS,
AND SAMURAI SWORDS.
- I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT.
- REALLY?
- MM-HMM. YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?
THAT LITTLE HIGH SCHOOL MAKE OUT SESSION OF OURS,
I CAN'T STOP THINKIN' ABOUT IT.
YOU?
- NEVER.
EVER. - HMM.
YOU HAVE EXTREMELY MOIST LIPS. THEY'RE LIKE KISSABLE CUPCAKES.
IT'S AS IF SPRINKLES AND CRUMBS GOT TOGETHER...
- [laughs] - AND MADE SWEET LOVE
AND HAD THESE DELICIOUS LITTLE SMOOCHABLE CUPCAKE BABIES.
- HANK MOODY!
'SUP, ***? [laughs]
BETTER NOT BE HITTIN' ON MY GIRL.
- I'M NOT YOUR GIRL, CALVIN. - OOH, CALVIN?
- JUST PLAYIN', BABY. WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE, MAN?
YOU SHOULD BE IN STARBUCKS WRITIN' ME SOME FUNNY ***,
SOME FUNNY, QUOTABLE ***, TOO, ***.
- YEAH, UH, THAT'S THE THING. I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.
- WHAT THE *** ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, MAN?
WHAT, THEY AIN'T PAYIN' YOU ENOUGH?
- NO, NO, IT-IT'S NOT THE MONEY. I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
- WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?
- NO, IT'S NOT 'CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE BLACK.
- WHAT, IT'S BECAUSE I GOT A WHITE BUTLER?
- NO, I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU GOT A WHITE BUTLER.
ALFRED IS AWESOME.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR. - RESPECT.
- OH, THIS IS BECAUSE YOU HATE HIP-HOP, RIGHT?
- NO! WELL, YEAH, I DO HATE HIP-HOP,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST MAD 'CAUSE I BE DEALIN'
WITH THAT CRAZY-*** ***, HUH?
- NO, I *** ALL SORTS OF CRAZY ***, TOO.
- ***, YOU DON'T BE ***' THE KINDA CRAZY ***
I BE ***'. TELL HIM, ALFRED.
- ***, YOU DON'T BE ***' THE SAME KIND OF CRAZY ***
AS HE BE ***', SIR.
- YOU'D BE SURPRISED, BOTH OF YOU.
- YEAH, RIGHT, LIKE THIS FINE-*** *** RIGHT HERE.
- WILL YOU STOP CALLIN' ME A ***' ***, PLEASE?
- COME ON, MAMA, JUST PEACOCKIN', BABY.
- SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. TRUE DAT.
- WHAT'S WITH THE USE OF ALL THIS URBAN PATOIS, MAN?
- HEY, IT'S THE A-B-Cs OF ME, BABY.
- [scoffs]
AW, ***. YO, I GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE, MAN.
COME WITH ME, YO.
GIMME ONE DAY AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
WHY YOU WANT TO BE IN THE APOCALYPSE BUSINESS, MAN.
[school bell rings]
- HE DID WHAT?
- ARE YOU GONNA MAKE HER REPEAT IT?
- I NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
- YOU'RE SAYING HE TOOK IT OUT.
- HE TOOK HIS *** OUT,
AND HE WAS *** IN FRONT OF AVA.
- [laughs] - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
***? - [laughing] POOR LITTLE AVA.
SHE'S SO CUTE, BUT SHE'S A LITTLE TWEAKED, THOUGH, RIGHT?
YOU GOTTA ADMIT. - YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL IT
***, I MEAN, HE'S-- HE'S BARELY THREE.
- CAN YOU COVER THAT-- COVER IT UP.
- WELL, HIS *** WAS FULLY ERECT,
AND HE WAS MANIPULATING IT.
- SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS EXPERIMENTING.
OR MAYBE HE JUST INTENDED TO BE FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, BRING A LITTLE SUNSHINE INTO HER DAY.
- I BLAME YOU, CHARLIE. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT, THE DAY YOU--
- CHARLIE, MARCY, THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE
FOR THE BLAME GAME.
- HOW CAN WE REPAIR THIS?
- AVA'S MOTHER WAS HORRIFIED.
- SURE. - OH, IT'S TERRIBLE.
- AND, SHE'S THREATENING TO PULL HER OUT OF SCHOOL.
- [gasps] - THAT WOULD BE BAD.
- WE'D RATHER THAT NOT HAPPEN, SO...
PERHAPS AN APOLOGY.
- HOW ABOUT A SIZABLE DONATION?
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL AS WELL.
- DONE. - I'M SURE.
- THANK YOU. - [mumbling] VERY HELPFUL.
- NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
- GREAT. YOU WRITE THE CHECK. I'LL PRESS THE FLESH.
- COME ON, WE HAVE THE NANNY INTERVIEWS.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO IRMA? "I PUT PERFECT."
- MARCY GAVE HER THE AXE.
- [blows air] - WHAT?
- INVOLVE THE FATHER, MAYBE?
- ARE YOU GONNA BE PAYING THEIR SALARY?
- NO, BUT SHE'S GONNA SPEND A LOT OF TIME AROUND MY SON,
AND I SHOULD BE GIVEN MEANINGFUL CONSULTATION.
- FINE. FINE. WE'LL NARROW IT DOWN.
WE'LL BRING YOU IN FOR CALL-BACKS, OKAY?
- STUART! - RIGHT, I'M COMING.
[RZA's 2 Left Shoes]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I LOVE MY *** TO DEATH DOWN TO THE LAST BREATH ♪
♪ BUT THE LAST BREATH, I'MA SAVE FOR MYSELF ♪
WHAT THE ***? DON'T MESS WITH MY MUSIC, MAN.
THAT'S MY ***, ***. THAT'S ME.
- ALL RIGHT, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
THAT COULD BE RUN D.M.C., FOR ALL RIGHT I KNOW.
- MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW *** ABOUT HIP-HOP, DO YOU?
- NO, I'M MORE OF A CLASSIC ROCK GUY, YOU KNOW,
ZEPPELIN, THE WHO, ZEVON...
- OH!
- AIR SUPPLY. - OH, NO.
ALL THAT ***' DINOSAUR *** SOUND THE SAME TO ME.
- SEE, THIS IS A REAL EBONY AND IVORY MOMENT HERE.
WE HATE EACH OTHER'S MUSIC, WHICH MAKES US DIFFERENT,
BUT KINDA THE SAME.
- [scoffs] UH, HUH. - FEEL ME?
- YEAH, I FEEL YOU. - WANT A MAN POUND?
- NO. - LITTLE DAP?
- [laughs] - GONNA LEAVE ME HANGIN'?
- HANG, ***. - OH, NOW THIS I LIKE.
- OH, THAT'S KALI, MAN.
***' VOICE OF AN ANGEL. [kiss]
- CHURCH. - I TELL YOU SOMETHING, MOODY.
I BEEN AROUND THE WORLD, MAN, I RAILED MANY ***, MAN,
BUT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE, SHE'S SOMETHIN' SPECIAL, MAN.
I THINK SHE GONNA BE A BIG STAR.
- THIS CAR IS GIVIN' ME THE ***' CREEPS.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TO ROLL INTO THE WARSAW GHETTO.
- OH, ***, I AIN'T NEVER BEEN THERE.
HOW THE *** IS THE FOOD?
- SCARCE. - [scoffs]
- ♪ JUST SO I CAN MAINTAIN ♪
♪ HE'S LIVIN' FOR HIS LIFE, AND IN TWO LEFT SHOES ♪
♪ LIVIN' FOR HIS LIFE, AND IN TWO LEFT SHOES ♪
- WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE?
- BIG HOLLYWOOD MEETIN', MAN. LOOK ALIVE.
- PETE BERG. - HEY, HEY, SAM.
SSS, SSS!
LOOKIN' GOOD, MAN. CONCRETE, CONCRETE, BABY.
- HANK MOODY, WRITER/***.
- WHAT'S UP?
- HOW YOU DOIN'? GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- UH, ACTUALLY I THINK WE KNOW SOME OF THE SAME PEOPLE.
IN FACT, I ACTUALLY THINK WE'VE BEEN
INSIDE SOME OF THE SAME PEOPLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
- YEAH, I THINK I DO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
AND I THINK IT'S CREEPIN' ME OUT.
- YEAH, WELL, UH, WE GOT A MEETIN', SO, SEE YA.
- ALL RIGHT, COOL. I'LL BE AT THE BAR.
- NO, NO. HOLD ON, WHOA, HOLD ON.
NAH, HE'S WITH ME, YO. HE'S GONNA BE WRITIN' MY ***.
- OH, COME ON.
NO WAY, MAN. I MEAN, NO DISRESPECT.
SAM, I JUST DID A SERIOUS REWRITE ON THE SCRIPT, I MEAN--
- YEAH, BUT THE *** AIN'T CRACKIN', MAN.
I NEED MY *** TO CRACKLE, MAN.
WHAT'S THE CATCHPHRASE?
- CATCHPHRASE? UH...
KILLIN' BAD GUYS IS MY BUSINESS,
AND BUSINESS IS ***' CRACKIN'.
- KILLIN' BAD GUYS... - BAD GUYS IS MY...BUSINESS...
both: AND BUSINESS IS... - ***' CRACKIN'.
- BUSINESS IS-- - NAH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, MAN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? - ...CRACKIN'.
- I'M GONNA GO DROP SOME HEAT. Y'ALL CHOP IT UP, A'IGHT?
- WHAT THE *** ARE YOU DOIN'? WHAT IS THIS?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY IN MY ***?
- I DON'T WANT TO BE. I'M TRYIN' TO PASS.
THIS GUY WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
- YOU ARE A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY.
WHAT THE *** DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BLACK CULTURE?
- ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN', BUT YOU'RE MAKIN' SANTA MONICA COP?
WHAT THE *** DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BLACK CULTURE?
- THE CHARACTER WAS ORIGINALLY FROM COMPTON, GET IT?
- [laughing] WHATEVER, DUDE. - YOU EVER BEEN TO COMPTON?
- GO MAKE YOUR MOVIE. I'M NO THREAT TO YOU.
- OH REALLY? YOU'RE NO THREAT TO ME?
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? - YEAH.
- SURE? - GO.
- WHAT ABOUT MICHELLE?
- MICHELLE?
- GIRL YOU *** WHILE I WAS STILL GOIN' OUT WITH HER.
- OH, OKAY. - OH, UH-HUH.
- I--I'M SORRY, I HAD-- I HAD NO IDEA.
- YEAH, WELL, SHE FOUND OUT
I WAS ***' AROUND ON HER A LITTLE BIT.
WE HAD A LITTLE FIGHT. - MM-HMM.
- SHE WENT TO A BAR IN VENICE.
SHE MET YOU, SHE *** YOU,
SHE TOLD ME ABOUT IT IN A *** EMAIL.
A VERY DESCRIPTIVE *** EMAIL,
WHICH ACTUALLY I STILL HAVE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ IT TO YOU?
- NO! I THINK THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
- YOU SURE? - WELL, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
IT MIGHT BE KIND OF AN INTERESTING TIME CAPSULE FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, LIKE A STROLL DOWN MEMORY--NO, ACTUALLY, NO.
DON'T, I'M GOOD. ALL RIGHT?
AND--AND AGAIN, I'M SORRY. - I LOVED HER.
I ACTUALLY THINK SHE WAS THE ONE.
- THEN WHY WERE YOU CHEATIN' ON HER?
- IT WAS GONNA BE THE LAST TIME, THAT'S WHY.
IT WAS MY KINDA FINAL DALLIANCE.
I WAS READY TO HANG IT UP.
I MEAN, THAT'S HOW MUCH THIS GIRL MEANT TO ME.
SHE ACTUALLY MADE ME RECONSIDER ALL THE *** UP *** I'D DONE
BEHIND HER BACK.
- I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, PETER.
- *** HAPPENS.
- YEAH, WELL, *** HAPPENS.
*** DOES, IN FACT, HAPPEN.
WELL, HEY, MAYBE THAT'S YOUR CATCHPHRASE.
BUT IT'S A-- IT'S A BLACK MOVIE,
SO MAYBE IT'S "*** BE HAPPENIN'."
- OKAY, LET'S GO. - WHERE?
- OUTSIDE. YOU AND I ARE GONNA SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.
LET'S GO. - WHY?
- FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN TORMENTED BY THE IMAGE OF MY GIRL,
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY, GETTING BANGED OUT
BY SOME SMUG ***' WRITER.
TIME TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.
LET'S GO. LET'S GO!
- REALLY? YOU MADE A MOVIE ABOUT A BATTLESHIP?
- COME ON. - MAN, JUST,
THANKS FOR ASPEN EXTREME. - PUT YOUR *** OUT THERE.
- WHAT THE *** Y'ALL CRACKERS UP TO OUT HERE, MAN?
- WHAT UP, PETE? - NAH, HE ***
ONE OF MY EX-GIRLS, WHEN I WAS STILL WITH HER.
- OH, COME ON. - MOODY, YOU A ***' DOG.
RAPIN' AND PILLAGIN'? - I DIDN'T KNOW.
- AW, MAN, I'LL KILL THAT *** THAT TOUCH MY GIRL.
GET HIM, BERG! - WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU--
- UH! - [laughing] OH!
[doorbell rings]
- HI. - HI.
AVA'S MOM. - [British accent] OH, NO, I'M--
- I'M CHARLIE RUNKLE.
STUART'S DAD, WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
- NO, I'M JUST THE NANNY, BUT COME IN.
- OH! OH, OH.
- THIS MUST BE AVA.
HELLO, AVA.
- [screams]
- AVA, DARLING, CALM DOWN.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO YOUR ROOM?
- HELLO, MR. RUNKLE.
- HELLO, MRS., UH--
- CALL ME ALISON. - AND YOU CALL ME CHARLIE.
[door slams] UH, OKAY.
I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY, IN PERSON,
AND APOLOGIZE FOR MY SON'S BEHAVIOR.
- YOUR SON'S DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR.
AVA'S CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT SINCE THE INCIDENT.
- HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS BETTER?
- YOU'RE AN AGENT, AREN'T YOU?
- THAT I AM. U.T.K.
- YOU MUST KNOW MY HUSBAND, BRUCE.
BUSINESS AFFAIRS AT WARNERS.
- OH. UH, OF COURSE. TOUGH NEGOTIATOR.
BUT FAIR. ALWAYS FAIR.
- ***!
HE'S AN ABUSIVE SOCIOPATH AND A CASUAL ALCOHOLIC.
- I'M NOT THE BIGGEST FAN. - NEITHER AM I.
- ACTUALLY, UH, HE'S KIND OF A BULLY, IN FACT.
- YES, YES, HE IS, AND I HAVE THE SCARS TO PROVE IT.
- OKAY. UM, A PEACE OFFERING.
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I
DISCUSS THIS FURTHER OVER A GLASS OF SAUVIGNON BLANC?
- I SHOULDN'T. BUT I WILL.
- KARMA'S A ***, AIN'T IT? - IT'S NOT KARMA.
IT'S JUST *** ***' LUCK.
- THAT ***'S A GOOD DIRECTOR, TOO, MAN.
HOPE YOU DIDN'T *** MY *** UP.
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR *** RIGHT NOW.
I CARE ABOUT MY ***' EYE. - [laughs]
- [coughing]
[slow hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ WHY WOULD YOU STRAND ME HERE ♪
♪ STRAND ME HERE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO BURN THAT BRIDGE ♪
♪ WHY DID WE CLIMB ♪
♪ SO HIGH? ♪
- [sobs] - CRYIN' ***.
- NO, I AIN'T CRYIN'. SHUT THE *** UP!
- MY MAN, THIS *** CRYIN', MAN.
CHECK THIS ***--
[yelling and fighting]
[gunshot]
- WHOA! - OH!
- ♪ WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO BURN THAT BRIDGE ♪
- OFF ME, ***!
- ♪ WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? ♪
- OH! THIS *** SHOT ME, MAN!
- HEY, LOOK WHO'S CRYIN' NOW. - [sobs]
- CHASE, TAKE THAT *** TO THE HOSPITAL, MAN.
- [crying] NO, MAN!
[sobs] OH, ***.
I AIN'T GOT NO ***' MEDICAL!
- ♪ WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO BURN THAT BRIDGE? ♪
♪ ♪
- WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE DO?
- SHE HAS SEX WITH A VERY RICH MOVIE PRODUCER NAMED STU BEGGS.
- MMM, OF COURSE. MARCY. - MM-HMM.
- I SEE HER ALL THE TIME AT THE BAR METHOD.
- [chuckles]
- I HAD SEX WITH STU BEGGS ONCE.
YEAH, I WAS HIS DEVELOPMENT GIRL
FOR A SHORT TIME IN THE MID-90s.
HUGE ***. - YES, I'M WELL AWARE.
- LIKE A BRATWURST. - OKAY. ENOUGH.
- HE ASKED ME TO PEE ON HIM.
- REALLY?
DID YOU?
- YES.
I HAD TO GO. SEEMED SILLY TO JUST SAY NO.
- [laughing] MAKES SENSE.
- I DON'T WANT TO TAKE AVA OUT OF BROKEN ARROW.
IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL,
AND IT FUNNELS INTO ALL THE BEST ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.
- THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY.
[clears throat] SO...
HOW DO WE FIX THIS?
- WHAT MAKES BOYS WANT TO TAKE THEIR DICKS OUT
AND SHOW THEM TO GIRLS?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW. PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP, MAYBE?
- ARE YOU GONNA TAKE YOURS OUT?
- I'M SORRY?
- DON'T YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOURS?
- MY...
***?
- YOUR ***. YOUR SAUSAGE.
YOUR ***, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.
ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT OUT AND *** FOR ME?
JUST LIKE YOUR SON DID IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER.
- [laughs]
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- WHY NOT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
TOUCH YOURSELF.
- OH.
- YOU FILTHY PIG.
YOU PERVERT.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOUR ***?
THAT PATHETIC LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A ***.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR SON'S.
DO YOU *** GROWN WOMEN WITH THAT THING?
- [breathes hard] - ARE THEY EVER SATISFIED?
HOW COULD THEY BE?
WHAT'S IT LIKE...
TO HAVE THE DESIRE, BUT NOT THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB?
- [breathes hard]
- [gasps] - JESUS CHRIST, LIZZIE!
HOW ABOUT SOME *** PRIVACY?
- [gasps] - I'M SO SORRY.
OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY!
OH, MY GOD. - [panting] OH.
- CLEAN UP IN HERE, YOU PIG.
- [pants] [laughs]
- [sobs]
- HEY, ARE-- ARE YOU OKAY?
- I JUST GOT FIRED.
- OH, NO. OH, I'M SO SORRY.
- DON'T BE. SHE WAS A NIGHTMARE TO WORK FOR.
- YEAH, I GOT THE FEELING. - [sniffs]
- SHE HITS ON EVERYONE, YOU KNOW.
MESSENGERS, MAILMEN, GARDENERS.
I WALKED IN ON HER AND THE DIRECTV GUY ONCE.
SHE HAD HER FINGER UP HIS ***.
- [mimicking her accent] UP HIS ***?
- YEAH, SHE'S REALLY *** UP.
- I SHOULD SAY SO.
[closes car door]
HEY, ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR A NEW GIG?
- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. I REALLY NEED THE MONEY...
FOR COOKING SCHOOL. - AWESOME.
PEOPLE LOVE FOOD.
- YEAH.
- WELL, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
MY EX-WIFE IS LOOKIN' FOR A NEW NANNY FOR OUR SON.
- AND YOUR SON IS THE ONE WHO EXPOSED HIMSELF TO AVA.
- YES. YES, BUT HE'S REALLY VERY SWEET.
MY GUESS IS, HE MEANT IT AS A COMPLIMENT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANY INTEREST?
- [sighs] THANK YOU.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- SO LOOK, MAN, YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH ME.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SEE BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
SO WHAT'S THIS GONNA BE?
- NO DISRESPECT, BUT I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO PASS.
I GOTTA--
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?
♪ ♪
- HEY, TYLER.
- HANK. [laughs] WHAT'S UP, MAN?
FANCY SEEING YOU AGAIN.
THIS--THIS IS-- THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
THIS IS MY SISTER.
- HOW'S BECCA?
- SHE'S AT HOME WITH HER MOM.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY DIG THAT ABOUT HER.
- SHE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? - YEAH, OF COURSE.
I WAS JUST TEXTING WITH HER.
- DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT YOUR SISTER?
- OKAY, I-- I REALLY LIKE BECCA, OKAY, I DO,
BUT LIFE IS SHORT, MAN, YOU KNOW, AND JUST SOMETIMES,
SOMETIMES *** HAPPENS.
- IS SHE AWARE OF HOW LOOSE THIS ARRANGEMENT IS?
- I DON'T KNOW, HANK.
WE'RE JUST SORTA TAKIN' IT DAY BY DAY.
***. YOU GOT THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYE,
LIKE YOU WANT TO HIT ME.
FEEL FREE...
IF YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO HATE YOU FOR LIFE.
GOTCHA! [laughs]
LOOK, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO DISCUSS?
NO? OKAY, COOL.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
[laughs]
HEY, SIS. [chuckles]
- WHAT THE *** WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- SOME GUY MY DAUGHTER'S SEEING DOESN'T SEEM ENTIRELY FAITHFUL.
I THINK HE'S GONNA BREAK HER HEART.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD BREAK HIS LEGS FIRST.
- THAT WAS MY FIRST IMPULSE,
BUT IF I DO THAT, THEN SHE'S GONNA HATE ME FOREVER.
I HAVE A HISTORY OF DOING THE WELL-INTENTIONED WRONG THING
WHEN IT COMES TO HER.
- SO MOODY'S A GOOD FATHER, HUH?
I LIKE THAT IN A BROTHER.
- ME TOO.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.
PEACE.
- PEACE OUT, ***.
- GOOD LUCK ON YOUR PROJECT.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE WELL-REPRESENTED IN THIS BATTLE OF THE EXES.
I GOT YOUR BACK, ***.
- MUCHO APPRECIATO, BATESY.
LADIES. - OH, MY GOD.
YOU'VE BEEN IN TOWN FOR TWO DAYS,
AND YOU HAVE A BLACK EYE ALREADY.
- APPARENTLY, I HAD IT COMIN'.
- REALLY? SHOCKER.
- BECCA, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU A MOMENT?
- NO.
- [whispering] GO AND SPEAK WITH HIM.
- I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOT RIGHT OF ME TO SWOOP IN HERE
AND GIVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT COMES FROM A GOOD PLACE.
YOU KNOW, A PLACE OF WANTING TO PROTECT YOU
FROM ALL THE BAD *** THAT'S OUT THERE.
I KNOW WHAT GUYS ARE LIKE.
[laughs] I'VE BEEN THAT GUY.
I AM THAT GUY,
SOMETIMES.
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THOSE THAT HAVE A GOOD HEART
AND THE ONES THAT ARE JUST OUT THERE TO WIN.
- HE'S A GOOD GUY, DAD. I KNOW IT.
I KNOW IT LIKE I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD GUY, DEEP DOWN.
[cell phone tune]
SPEAK OF THE HANDSOME DEVIL.
- [laughs]
- HOLD ON A SEC, DAD.
HELLO.
- YOU DID GOOD. IT'LL BE OKAY.
- YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
- CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL?
- WHY? WHAT'S HAPPENED?
- TYLER WAS LEAVING SOME CLUB IN HOLLYWOOD,
AND HE GOT JUMPED BY A BUNCH OF GANGBANGERS.
THEY BEAT HIM UP PRETTY BAD. HE'S AT CEDARS.
- SWEETIE, I'M SO SORRY. OF COURSE, COME ON.
LET'S GO.
UM, HAVE YOU GOT THE KEYS? - YEAH, YEAH.
SOUNDS LIKE THE LITTLE ***-FONDLER
FINALLY PISSED OFF THE WRONG GUY.
- ♪ OLD MAN, TAKE A LOOK AT MY LIFE I'M A LOT LIKE YOU ♪
[cell phone tone]
♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME ♪
♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪
♪ AND ONE LOOK IN MY EYES AND YOU CAN TELL THAT'S TRUE ♪
♪ ♪
♪ OLD MAN, LOOK AT MY LIFE ♪
♪ I'M A LOT LIKE YOU WERE ♪
♪ ♪
♪ OLD MAN, TAKE A LOOK AT MY LIFE, I'M A LOT LIKE YOU ♪
♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪
♪ AND ONE LOOK IN MY EYES ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL THAT'S TRUE ♪
♪ ♪