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This episode of Cap South is sponsored by...
Perfectly Legal dietary supplements.
It can't be wrong. It's perfectly legal.
***...***...***!
Congresswoman! Congresswoman Englewright! Would you like to comment on the latest rumor?
Rumors are like ***, kiddo. They're dirty and smelly but we all still gotta scratch and sniff.
So that's a yes? Or is that a no?
So that’s a yes? Or is that a no?
Are you shaking your head? Are you bobbing your head?
Are you not confirming the denial of your non-confirmation?
I don't know what the hell you're yappin' about-
Congresswoman Englewright - for the record - where do you stand on the Draft Gracie movement?
Draft?!
My sources say you're gonna dodge it!
Listen, you taint-ticklin' little back scratcher...
I don't know what broken rubber you oozed out of, but we Englewright's have never
backed away from a fight and we have never dodged the draft - ever!
You're prepared to be drafted?
I'm prepared for a lot of things. Lane mergers,Y2K, takeoffs and landings...
So that's a yes?
If you don't stop this line of questioning, I'm prepared to cut your nuts off and stuff
'em in my hand bag where they can jingle around with my car keys and my pocket rocket!
God - is this on the record?
Did I stutter?
This is unbelievable...
Believe it, kiddo. I need you like I need a ***' hangnail.
[Upbeat Theme Song]
KNOCK KNOCK
Goddamnit, I said - oh - Bushwick.
I'm not accustomed to you knockin'.
May I enter?
Well I see you've finally gotten around to reading Washington's rules of civility...
now get your cantankerous *** in here.
Gracie: What is it?!
Gracie...
Congresswoman...
Gracie: Spit it out!
I must say I have seen many feats of political acumen in my day.
Brandywine, checkers, the Blu-Ray release of Ishtar...
But today you surpassed them all!
Well, that's flattering, Bushwick, but I truly have no idea what you're talking about.
Money!
Gracie: I'm sorry?
Money! Hahaha!
Is that a promise or a request?
Larry: That's all there is to say!
As I was saying-
Ok, I've been debating this online for hours and it's now official...you are cooler than the fifth doctor.
Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on around here?
Gracie - what-
Gracie, you're amazing!
Incredible!
Well that never really was in dispute, but what the hell are you two maroons talkin' about?
Your retort to Wave Michaels!
Who?!
An elected official finally stood up to Wave Michaels and the people love it!
Yeah! Thirty-two retweets, sixty-four shares, and third on Reddit!
It's spreading faster than smugness in Brooklyn.
Ohmygod it's on Upworthy!
Oooohhh!
Could you two please speak American?
I'm beginning to feel like I'm listening to Cutie Patootie on a fistful of Gummy Flintstones!
There's a movement afoot-
A draft movement!
Listen you two, we have been over this a thousand times...
I am not a politician, I am merely the widow of a politician...
Congresswoman?
Oh, god - you too?
Come on in - it's ignore my closed door day at Englewright's House of Cryptic Staffers!
I'm sorry - I was just preparing for your two o'clock Energy and Commerce.
Oh, thank god!
I never thought I'd look forward to an E&C hearing but even methadone will do in a pinch.
Ally: Gracie, I'll follow up with you-
Bushwick: We'll talk about this later, Gracie!
What? You want a piece of this?
[SNARL]
Chewbacca ***!
[MOCKING GROWL]
ARGGHHH!!!
***! Remy!
Have a seat.
What are you doing in my office? I had Ally change all of the locks.
And I had...Sam change them back.
Who is Sam?
[Whispering] Is Sam the black guy that works here?
I think you're thinking of Mike.
Mike? Sam?
Remy: Mike could be Sam.
Is it Smike?
Look, Mike-Sam is one of four reasons why I'll always be ten steps ahead of you, which is...
...twelve steps total...in binary...
You are always just gonna be another *** bush-league Hill Rat wandering a corn maze of my own design.
How dare you! You know how I feel about corn mazes!
I worked in this office for eight years, buddy.
Ok, in all fairness, four of those years you were jacking around on Facebook...
That's slander and I'm gonna hold you to it I know lawyers.
Ok, Remy - you got Congress to give four thousand dollars in corn subsidies to Farmville-
There was a drought!
My coalition has spent $2.3 million on an ad buy in Virginia 14.
I personally have raised $80,000 for Gracie's farewell event next week...and yet...
What do I hear on Morning Joe? What do I read in Politibuzz and other supposedly reputable news sources?
That she's wavering on her support for the wind amendment?
Gracie isn't wavering.
Gracie is resolutely flexible.
She is weighing her options. She'd got all the options on the table.
She's weighing the table. She's weighing the table, Remy.
Have you ever seen the movie Titanic?
Yes. Sixteen times.
'Cause this is more like the movie Armageddon!
Is that how I know Sam? From Armageddon?
That's where I know him!
There's Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, and Sam - who's also in the Green Mile -
Listen, fucknuts. We have given a lot of money to Gracie.
And there's a little thing in politics called "reciprocity."
Gracie would never give *** favors! She is a lady!
She is an Episcopalian.
I don't know what you people - by which I mean lobbyists - are doing...
but she does not play those kind of games.
Look, just because I'm Indian doesn't mean I'm here to reeducate you on the Kamasutra.
I'm here to deliver a message...
You have one more chance to deliver.
I'm sorry...deliver what?
Next week Gracie is going to announce her support for the wind amendment at her event,
or I will blow this house of cards down, Dorthy!
That is extortion! I will have no part of it! Good day, sir!
This is my office you should get out.
You sonofabitch. Go suck a donkey!
You know how I feel about corn mazes!
Remy: Oh, the allergy.
I have an allergy to corn mazes.
Remy: Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I'm highly allergic to corn mazes.
Remy: That's a very specific allergy.
It's not corn. Or mazes. Or labyrinths. Only corn mazes that I'm allergic to...
...which made October very difficult for me as a child so I don't like you bringing it up.
Remy: It's just novelty attractions in the fall.
No, it's just corn mazes. And oddly enough lobster, but only in the context of a corn maze.
So, in theory, if I were bit or clawed by a lobster inside a corn maze, I would die.
But only under those circumstances. Anyway, screw you for bringing it up!