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(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) IT'S THE "NO RESERVATIONS"
EVERY DAY'S A HOLIDAY SPECIAL
WITH YOUR HOST TONY BOURDAIN!
WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS MARIO BATALI,
DAVID CHANG,
THAT CAKE GUY YOU KNOW FROM THE OTHER NETWORK--
DUFF GOLDMAN,
THE MEAT-CUTTING MAGIC OF PAT LaFRIEDA.
(bell dings)
TED "THE MOTOR CITY MADMAN" NUGENT.
SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST-- DAS RACIST.
AND THE MELLOW, SEASONAL SONG STYLINGS
OF MARKY RAMONE'S BLITZKRIEG.
OH, AND THIS GUY-- RUHLMAN.
(man) AAH, YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT!
I WRITE. I TRAVEL.
I EAT, AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.
♪ OOH, YOU'VE GOT TO ♪
♪ GET LOST ♪
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
Closed Captions provided by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
(Christmas music playing)
(Anthony) SO, RUHLMAN, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.
THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US.
NOT JUST ANY HOLIDAY SEASON EITHER--
(Christmas music stops)
NON-OFFENSIVE GENERIC HOLIDAY SEASON.
YOU KNOW, THE SPIRIT OF FAMILY,
THAT'S SWEET, TONY. THAT'S SWEET.
HOW--HOW YOU WILL MANAGE TO NOT BE OFFENSIVE
WELL, IF I AM OFFENSIVE, IT'LL BE
IN A NON-DENOMINATIONAL, GENERIC WAY.
IT'LL BE A HUGE HOLIDAY POTLUCK DINNER TONIGHT
IN OUR LITTLE CABIN IN THE WOODS.
WE'LL PREPARE A FEW NOT-SO TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY DISHES,
AND WE'LL INVITE A FEW OF MY CHEF FRIENDS
TO BRING SOME DISHES OF THEIR OWN.
AND WE'RE JUST GONNA LUXURIATE IN THE--
IN THE *** OF OUR FAMILY AND--AND FRIENDS.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU THINK HOLIDAY SEASON?
UH, COOKING, FESTIVITIES,
ELABORATE PREPARATION, A LOT OF TIME IN THE KITCHEN.
SEE, I THINK OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA,
AND HOW WHEN I SAT ON HIS LAP, HE SMELLED OF URINE AND ALCOHOL.
BUT NO MATTER. UM, WHEN I THINK OF THE HOLIDAYS,
I THINK OF OUR FRIEND...
(cow moos)
MR. COW.
AND WE'RE GONNA BE DOING
SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE TODAY TO OUR FRIEND.
IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA BE RANGING ALL OVER THE BODY...
SPARING NOTHING,
BECAUSE SANTA HATES WASTE.
AND WE WON'T BE DOING THIS ALL ALONE. OH, NO.
DEALING WITH THE BUSINESS END, THE OXTAIL--
(cow moos)
FOR ME, THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
ABOUT TAKING THE OXTAIL AND JUST GNAWING ON IT.
HE'S KIND OF LIKE SANTA CLAUS, ONLY DIFFERENT.
FROM THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM--
(cow moos)
THIS WOULD BE A BEEF CHEEK,
SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN MINE, ALTHOUGH MINE IS PRETTIER.
CHEEKS, RUHLMAN. CHEEKS.
A VERY SPECIAL GUEST, UNCLE TED NUGENT,
(cow moos)
GOD BLESS THE AMERICAN SACRED PROTEIN DREAM, BABY.
EVERY DAY IS A HOLIDAY WITH UNCLE TED.
AND WE'LL BE DEALING WITH-- LET'S SEE--
ALL THE REST. US.
ARE YOU UP TO THE JOB?
ME, TOO.
HERE'S THE SITUATION. WE NEED MEAT. WE NEED A LOT OF MEAT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT GONNA HELP US?
SANTY CLAUS AIN'T HELPING US, BUT PAT LaFRIEDA WILL.
(beeping)
PAT. YEAH, IT'S TONY BOURDAIN.
YEAH, I GOT YOUR NUMBER FROM JOSH OZERSKY.
WHAT DO YOU PAY THAT GUY, ANYWAY?
YEAH, LISTEN, WE'RE THROWING A LITTLE PARTY.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE THROWING A BIG PARTY.
I'M INVITING ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND ALL OF RUHLMAN'S FRIENDS.
OF COURSE. WHAT CAN WE GET FOR YOU?
WE'RE WONDERING IF YOU COULD TAKE DOWN
NO PROBLEM. SEE YOU SOON.
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT SANTA
AND HIS WORKSHOP,
BUT I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANOTHER WORKSHOP,
PRESIDED OVER BY A JOLLY, BLUE-CAPPED,
BLUE-COATED THIN GUY-- PAT LaFRIEDA.
NO CANDY CANES IN THIS WORKSHOP.
NO ELF DROPPINGS EITHER.
JUST THE MAKINGS OF PURE, PROTEIN-PACKED DELICIOUSNESS.
IT'S A MAGICAL PLACE
FAR, FAR AWAY
IN A PLACE CALLED NEW JERSEY.
IT'S COLD, KIND OF LIKE THE NORTH POLE.
BUT HERE IT'S COLD ON THE INSIDE.
SO THIS IS THE MOST PRIZED ROOM
OF THE ENTIRE BUILDING.
THIS IS ALL OUR DRY-AGED MEAT.
WE HAVE 1,400 PIECES AGING AT ANY GIVEN TIME.
WE COULD REALLY FEED MANHATTAN FOR A FEW WEEKS
(sawing)
WHILE CARNIVORES WALLOW IN STAINED, FETID SHEETS,
DREAMING OF VEAL CHOPS AND SAUSAGE AND MEATS,
LA FRIEDA SAWING AND SLICING REAL QUICK,
SO ME AND FRIENDS-- MIKEY, DAVE, MARIO, ST. NICK,
AND MARKY AND DUFF AND DAS RACIST AND TED--
CAN BRAISE UP SOME BEEF CHEEKS, AND THEN OFF TO BED
TO DREAM THEN OF KIDNEYS AND LIVERS AND SHANKS
AND DRIVE OUR CARS O'ER VEGETARIAN CRANKS.
THIS FESTIVE HOLIDAY EVE,
THIS BOY'S WISH LIST IS BEING HANDLED BY PAT HIMSELF.
OKAY, LET'S PULL THIS BRISKET FOR TONY.
THIS IS THE BREAST OF THE ANIMAL,
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PIECES,
'CAUSE IT'S GOT SO MUCH FAT CONTENT.
ESPECIALLY FOR THE HOLIDAYS, I BOIL IT
AND THEN BAKE IT WITH HONEY. IT--IT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
SO THAT'S THE BRISKET.
NEXT WE'RE GONNA CUT OUR OXTAIL
INTO 2-INCH PORTIONS FOR DAVID. AND AWAY WE GO.
A GOOD BUTCHER IS LIKE AN ARTIST--
OR JESUS, ACTUALLY.
AND I MEAN THAT IN A TOTALLY RESPECTFUL, SECULAR WAY.
NEXT WE NEED A TENDERLOIN
BY CUTTING UNDERNEATH THE VERTEBRAE HERE.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE CAREFUL AS WE GO DOWN,
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT-- IT'S VERY EASY TO CUT
INTO THE MUSCLE, AND THAT'S THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO.
FILET IS WAY TOO EXPENSIVE TO--
OF A CARCASS WEIGHT OF 800 POUNDS,
ONLY 14 POUNDS OF IT IS FILET.
SEAMING AND TRIMMING AND SLICING LIKE A SCULPTOR,
WINNOWING OUT THE GOODNESS,
WHERE THE UNINITIATED MIGHT SEE ONLY FAT AND BONE.
SO WE HAVE TO REMOVE SOME BEEF CHEEKS
FOR MARIO BATALI.
LOOKING AT THIS, ONE CAN'T HELP BUT REFLECT
ON POOR HEIDI MONTAG. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
JUST COME UNDERNEATH THE CHEEK BONE.
FOLLOW IT WITH OUR KNIFE.
SO THIS MUSCLE HERE OF THE CHEEK
HAS AMAZING FLAVOR PROFILE.
CLEAN ALL OF THAT SINEW OFF.
SO THERE'S OUR BEAUTIFUL CHEEK.
NOW TO GET TO THE MARROW.
BUT FIRST WE'RE GONNA DISCONNECT IT
FROM THE HIP BONE.
YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE ANATOMY OF THE--OF THE ANIMAL.
THIS IS WHERE THE FILET MIGNON ENDED.
WE'LL JUST FOLLOW THE CONTOUR OF THAT BONE.
SLIP OUR KNIFE IN.
THERE IS OUR FEMUR BONE.
AND THE MARROW BASICALLY LIES RIGHT IN THERE.
(saw whirring)
OR OXTAIL ON AN ANIMAL, THERE'S LESS MARROW.
HEART, CHEEKS,
MARROW BONES,
NEW YORK STRIP STEAKS,
FILET MIGNON,
OXTAIL, AND BRISKET--
WE HAVE ALL THE AMMUNITION RIGHT HERE TO SATISFY EVERYBODY.
♪♪
IT'S A HOLIDAY MIRACLE.
OUR FRIDGE IS FILLED WITH BEEF. LET US BEGIN.
YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF THE KITCHEN
WELL, IT'S LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE, REALLY.
WELL, WE'LL SEE. IS THERE SOME RUST ON THERE?
I SCRAPED THAT OFF BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED.
FIRST OUR APPETIZER.
RUHLMAN HAS ELECTED TO MAKE BROILED BEEF HEARTS
WITH A ZESTY CHIMICHURRI SAUCE
THAT JUST SCREAMS "HOLIDAY."
WHILE HE CARVES UP BLEEDING MUSCLE
AND JAMS IT CRUDELY ONTO SKEWERS,
I CHOP UP THE GARLIC,
FRESH OREGANO, PARSLEY, AND SHALLOTS
WITH GRACE AND PROFESSIONAL APLOMB.
SHALLOT IS ONE OF THE GREAT UNRECOGNIZED INGREDIENTS.
REALLY, RUHLMAN? I KNOW WHAT A (bleep) SHALLOT IS, OKAY?
OH, I DO.
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR FOOD TASTE LIKE STUFF IN RESTAURANTS
WITH JUST THE CAREFUL USE OF THIS HUMBLE VEGGIE.
IN THE MEANTIME-- CHIMICHURRI SAUCE,
ALSO PRETTY MUCH OUR VEGETABLE COURSE.
JUST IN CASE GWYNETH PALTROW DROPS BY,
THEN WE'RE GONNA PUT
SOME OF THIS FINE, FINE RED WINE VINEGAR ON THAT
YOU DON'T WANT TO MACERATE TOO MUCH, MAN.
(laughing)
FINISH WITH OLIVE OIL, PEPPER, LEMON, AND HERBS.
IT'S JUST AN HERB VINAIGRETTE.
SO THESE HAVE BEEN MARINATING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
WE NEED TO PUT 'EM ON A SHEET TRAY AND BROIL THEM.
AND WE'RE JUST GONNA COOK THESE TO MEDIUM-RARE
UNDER A BROILER THIS TIME.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, TIME FOR SOME MORE CHRISTMAS JUICE.
(bell dings)
WE'VE GOT FLAMING STICKS HERE.
YEP.
YOU'RE BURNING THOSE SKEWERS UP.
IT'S A (bleep) INFERNO IN THERE.
JESUS, RUHLMAN, IT'S LIKE DRESDEN.
THEY'RE COOKED-- THEY'RE COOKED PERFECTLY.
I THINK IF YOU LET THOSE PUPPIES SIT--
I THINK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME PERFECT (bleep) HEARTS.
IT'S FESTIVE.
IT'S FESTIVE.
BUT I WILL TELL YOU, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS.
YEP.
TERRORISTS WOULDN'T LIKE THIS.
IN FACT, IF WE CAN'T LEARN TO LOVE THIS,
MARINATED BEEF HEART--
IT'S THE PERFECT HOLIDAY DISH.
NEXT UP, SANTA CLAUS WEARS BRIGHT ORANGE CROCS,
AND HE WANTS TO TEAR YOUR CHEEKS OFF.
THESE ARE WHAT WE CALL FALLING-OFF-THE-FACE TENDER.
(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(Anthony) TO SUMMARIZE,
EVER SINCE SANTA TRIED TO PUT
HIS FILTHY, DIRT-ENCRUSTED FINGERS DOWN MY JOCKEY SHORTS,
I'VE HATED THE ***.
ANYHOO...
I THINK WE NEED THE MOST GENERIC CUTS OF BEEF
FOR OUR HOLIDAY POTLUCK-- BEEF TENDERLOIN.
WE'RE GONNA DO A CLASSIC, STRAIGHT-OUT-OF-ESCOFFIER
MUSHROOM WINE SAUCE.
I WAS INTRIGUED BY YOUR BOLD CHOICE
OF CUT OF MEAT,
BECAUSE THIS BONELESS, FATLESS,
AND, FRANKLY, RELATIVELY FLAVORLESS PIECE OF MEAT
HAS BEEN HORRIBLY OVERVALUED BY CUSTOMERS
DATING BACK TO METHUSELAH'S TIME.
RIGHT.
I SEASON LIBERALLY WITH SALT AND PEPPER,
AND RUHLMAN GETS A ROASTING PAN HEATING UP.
NOW I SAY ADD A LITTLE BUTTER.
NO BUTTER? NO BUTTER. YOU SAID NO BUTTER.
THAT'S THE WAY THEY DO THINGS IN CLEVELAND.
LET THE ONLINE DEBATE BEGIN.
YEAH.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT GOING CRAZY HERE.
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT DARK, ENTICING CARAMELIZATION.
YEAH.
A COUPLE OF MINUTES A SIDE, NICE AND CRUSTY,
JUST ENOUGH TO SEAR AND BROWN THE OUTSIDE.
THEN CLEVELAND SAYS,
AND ACTUALLY HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THIS,
I WOULD PUT IT IN AT, LIKE, 250, 225.
250?! AND W-WE'RE GONNA LOOK FOR WHAT,
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. NOW SO WE HAVE
YEAH.
WHICH I REDUCE.
YOU PUT IT IN A POT LIKE THIS, AND WHEN IT COOKS DOWN
YEAH.
AT THIS POINT, WE'VE BOTH BEEN HITTING THE EGGNOG
AND ETHER PRETTY HARD, SO I FIGURE--SUPERVISE.
BROWN THOSE MUSHROOMS, MONKEY BOY,
SEARING IN SMALL BATCHES.
REFLECT ON LIFE'S BOUNTY, AND HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO BE
INDEED, WE ARE.
WHILE OUR MUSHROOMS BROWN AND OUR BEEF SLOW-ROASTS,
WHY DON'T WE PAY A VISIT TO A LOVED ONE
TO SEE WHAT HE'LL BE BRINGING TO THE PARTY?
MAYBE YOU KNOW THIS MAN. HE'S MAD. HE'S BAD.
HE'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, EVEN BY YOUR STANDARDS, RUHLMAN.
TO THE MAGIC SCREEN AND OUR FRIEND MARIO BATALI.
(man whispering) BABBO.
HOME OF THE WORLD-RENOWNED BEEF CHEEK RAVIOLIS.
(lips smack, cow mooing)
THIS WOULD BE A BEEF CHEEK.
IT'S SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN MINE, ALTHOUGH MINE IS PRETTIER.
(Anthony) THAT'S DEBATABLE, MARIO.
BUT THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT MARIO BATALI
HAS BEEN INSTRUMENTAL IN TURNING THE MUSCULAR,
ONCE-NEGLECTED BEEF CHEEK INTO AN OBJECT OF FOODIE DESIRE
WITH HIS BEEF CHEEK RAVIOLIS AT BABBO.
WE'RE NOT FRYING THEM, BUT WE'RE GONNA BROWN THEM AGGRESSIVELY.
SO WHILE THAT'S HAPPENING, I'M GONNA MAKE
THE REST OF THE CONDIMENT THAT GOES WITH THAT.
AND WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA ADD SOME GARLIC,
WHAT WE CALL "FAT BOY" ONIONS,
ABOUT A TABLESPOON OF CAPERS.
I LIKE IT RELATIVELY ZIPPY,
SO ABOUT A TEASPOON AND A 1/2 OF HOT CHILI FLAKES.
WE'LL TAKE A MIX OF SQUAB AND CHICKEN LIVERS.
AND RIGHT WHEN THEY GO IN-- RIGHT WHEN ANYTHING GOES IN,
WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT LAYERING SEASONING,
YOU WANT TO SEASON EACH OF THE INDIVIDUAL COMPONENTS
RELATIVELY AGGRESSIVELY.
WE ADD A LITTLE WINE
AND A LITTLE BIT OF TOMATO, AND WE ALLOW IT TO COOK.
I LIKE TO COOK FOR MY FAMILY.
I START THINKING IN OCTOBER ABOUT MY CHRISTMAS MENUS.
I START SHOPPING FOR THE PRODUCTS.
I GET 'EM ALL ORGANIZED.
I GENERALLY CHOOSE A THEME THAT I AM IMPRESSED WITH,
WHETHER IT'S THE FLAVOR OF MOROCCO OR--OR INDIAN.
LAST YEAR WAS NEW ORLEANS. WE HAD BRAISED COLLARDS
WITH PANCETTA.
WE HAD BRUSSELS SPROUTS THAT WERE ROASTED.
UH, WE HAD SWEET POTATOES WITH POMEGRANATES AND MOLASSES.
AND THEN DESSERT WAS
EMERIL LAGASSE'S BANANAS FOSTER.
IT WAS QUITE A HUGE HIT.
NOW FOR MANY COOKS, THAT'S BROWN ENOUGH.
NOT FOR ME.
WE'RE GONNA COOK 'EM A LITTLE BIT ON THE OTHER SIDE,
AND THEN I'M GONNA GRAB THE MIREPOIX.
MIREPOIX, OF COURSE, IS JUST VEGETABLES.
THIS IS WHAT ADDS FLAVOR TO IT.
ABOUT 2 CUPS OF RED WINE,
A LITTLE BIT OF THE BASIC TOMATO SAUCE,
AND SOME CHICKEN STOCK-- BROWN CHICKEN STOCK.
AND NOTICE, WHEN YOU'RE DOING A PROPER BRAISE,
IT'S GOT JUST UP TO ITS SHOULDERS
WITH THE MIREPOIX AND THE LIQUID.
AND THEN YOU COVER THAT, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO POACH IT.
SO THE CHICKEN LIVERS--
I ADDED JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE LIQUID.
ALL RIGHT? AND THEN WE JUST ZAP 'EM.
THE CHICKEN LIVERS ARE BLENDED UNTIL SMOOTH FOR THE SAUCE.
THESE ARE WHAT WE CALL FALLING-OF-THE-FACE TENDER.
THE COOKED-UNTIL-TENDER CHEEKS ARE MASHED DELICATELY
INTO A SINFULLY DELICIOUS, NEAR-HEAVENLY SUBSTANCE
USED AS THE RAVIOLI FILLING.
IT SHOULD BE SMOOTH,
AND IT SHOULD JUST EVAPORATE INTO THE SILKINESS OF THE PASTA.
NOW WE MAKE THE PASTA-- TRADITIONAL WELL METHOD.
100 GRAMS OF FLOUR.
WE USE WHOLE AMERICAN ORGANIC LARGE--
NOT EXTRA LARGE EGGS.
I'VE BEEN MAKING THIS DISH FOR YEARS.
AND IT'S ALL ABOUT INCORPORATING
THE EGGS INTO THE FLOUR,
KNEADING UNTIL SILKY.
IN FACT, IT'S BETTER TO DO IT TWO MINUTES TOO LONG
THAN TWO MINUTES TOO LESS, SO GO UNTIL YOU SWEAT.
TAKE A SHOWER. COME BACK AND DO IT AGAIN.
YOU CAN MAKE FRESH RAVIOLI IN YOUR HOUSE
FROM START TO FINISH IN 30 MINUTES.
THERE'S NO SALT IN PASTA.
WE SALT THE PASTA BY THE TIME
WE GET TO BOILING IT IN THE WATER,
IN WHICH CASE WE COOK IT IN WATER THAT'S ALMOST AS SALTY
AS THE SEA.
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE THE BUTTER UNTIL IT GETS
JUST LIGHT GOLDEN BROWN.
THEN WE'RE GONNA ARREST THAT BROWNING
BY INTRODUCING THE LIQUIDITY
OF THE ACTUAL CHICKEN LIVER STOCK.
THEN WE HIT IT WITH A LITTLE SPLASH OF TRUFFLINOS,
LITTLE BLACK TRUFFLES FROM NORCIA.
THEN THE BEEF CHEEKS GO IN.
PARSLEY.
BEEF CHEEK RAVIOLIS,
CRUSHED SQUAB LIVER, AND BLACK TRUFFLES--
THE PERFECT HOLIDAY DISH.
OKAY, BIG BOY,
WE'LL TAKE ANOTHER 30 ORDERS FOR THE PARTY.
WHEN LAST SEEN,
RUHLMAN WAS PAINSTAKINGLY SAUTéING MUSHROOMS,
BLISSFULLY UNAWARES OF HIS TENDERLOIN'S SLOW MARCH
TOWARDS OVERCOOKED.
BUT RUHLMAN, TYLER SAYS...
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT TYLER,
BUT HE DID A REALLY GREAT JOB AT APPLEBEE'S.
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
SEE? I APPRECIATE SHALLOTS.
JUST COOK THEM TILL THEY START
CAN I ADD THE WINE YET?
YES, YOU CAN ADD THE WINE.
DO I NEED A FINE QUALITY WINE?
YOU NEED A WINE THAT YOU GOTTA--CAN DRINK.
IF YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY DRINKING IT,
IT'S A MIRACLE, ISN'T IT?
IT LOOKS SO UGLY AND NASTY. IT SMELLS LIKE CRAP NOW,
BUT SOON--SOON, MY LOVE,
AFTER REDUCING THE WINE,
AND THAT WILL PICK UP
ALL THE WINE FLAVORS, ALL THE MUSHROOM FLAVORS.
(Anthony) WE'RE GONNA LET HIM REST, RIGHT?
LEAVE IT THE (bleep) ALONE, RIGHT?
LEAVE IT THE (bleep) ALONE
AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES.
ALL THE JUICES AND ALL THE TEMPERATURES
HAVE TO REDISTRIBUTE THEMSELVES. IT'S GOT TO FINISH COOKING.
ANY SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES WHILE YOU'RE WAITING
YES, I WOULD--I WOULD MAKE SURE YOUR GUESTS HAVE
SOME TWISTER, PARCHEESI,
YOU COULD DO THAT.
AND NOW--WAIT.
NO, NOT YET. OKAY, NOW.
NOW YOU SLICE INTO YOUR MEAT.
FRANKLY, RUHLMAN, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE OVER,
BUT AN OUNCE OF SAUCE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS, RIGHT?
YES. YES, IT DOES.
OUR GUESTS WILL LOVE THIS.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TOUCH THAT,
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT UP, HE'S THE MADCAP MASTERMIND
OF THE MOMOFUKU EMPIRE, A MAN WITH A PLAN.
I'VE NEVER DEEP-FRIED AN OXTAIL BEFORE,
SO WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(Anthony) YOU KNOW, I LOVE TREES
AND THE ENVIRONMENT IN GENERAL, OF COURSE.
OUR DESTRUCTIVE, ONCE-A-YEAR ***
FOR TENDER, YOUNG CHRISTMAS TREES
IS REPELLENT TO ME.
I SAY DON'T BE SAWING DOWN TREES.
START SAWING FEMURS.
AFTER YOU'VE RIPPED OUT HIS CHEEKS
AND HACKED OFF HIS TAIL, BELIEVE ME,
THE COW DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE ANYWAY,
(cow moos)
NOTHING COULD BE MORE DELICIOUS FOR A HOLIDAY APPETIZER.
MAYBE YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE WALKING BUDDHA,
EXAMPLE TO US ALL, CULINARY DALAI LAMA,
FERGUS HENDERSON.
IT'S FERGUS HENDERSON'S ROAST BONE MARROW
WITH PARSLEY SALAD, CROUTON, AND SEA SALT.
THIS IS A REALLY EASY THING TO COOK.
WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IS OVERCOOK IT,
(speaking indistinctly)
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO UNDERCOOK IT EITHER,
BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE GNAWING AWAY,
AND YOU'RE GONNA HIT, LIKE, THIS PINK, RAW SECTION.
IT'S NOT SO WONDERFUL, ALL RIGHT.
(groaning) THROW IT INTO A PREHEATED 450-DEGREE OVEN...
AND COOK TILL DONE.
THINLY SLICED SHALLOTS.
NOW THE MASTER SAYS
YOU DO NOT WANT TO CHOP THE PARSLEY.
YOU JUST WANT TO DISCIPLINE IT A LITTLE.
THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAYING.
YOU'RE LOOKING TO OPEN IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S-- WHEN YOU HACK INTO IT...
RIGHT.
(speaking indistinctly)
JUST TOSS.
AT THE LAST MINUTE, OF COURSE.
YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SIT AND FESTER
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR BONES TO COME OUT OF THE OVEN.
OH, YEAH. OH, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT INNER RING THERE--
IT'S GONNA START TO SEPARATE FROM THE BONE AND SHRIVEL UP
WITHOUT COMPLETELY EVAPORATING.
THIS TOOK ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
OH, I GOT A GOOD GLOB HERE.
SPREAD YOUR MARROW RIGHT THERE.
NOW THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT--
GOOD QUALITY SEA SALT.
JUST A LITTLE BIT OF THIS SALAD TO ADD SOME TANG.
TELL ME IF THAT'S NOT DELICIOUS.
BEAUTIFUL, SIMPLE.
IT'S SOME OF THE BEST FLAVOR
ON EARTH.
YEAH, RIGHT? I'LL TELL YOU,
IF I WAS SQUEEZING MY FAT *** DOWN ONE CHIMNEY AFTER ANOTHER,
I'D WANT THIS WAITING FOR ME AT THE OTHER END.
CONVERSELY, IF I WAS SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CHIMNEY
WITH A CUT-DOWN 12-GAUGE MOSSBERG ROAD BLOCKER,
WAITING FOR INTRUDERS, I'D BE WANT--
I'D WANT TO BE SNACKING ON THIS.
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT,
IF YOU SHOT SANTA CLAUS,
WHO'S EVER THOUGHT OF SHOOTING SANTA CLAUS?
WHAT TWISTED MIND--
HE'S BEEN SEEN
WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY LARGE NUMBER OF SMALL CHILDREN.
A JURY OF YOUR PEERS WOULD LET YOU SKATE, MAN.
THAT'S A JUSTIFIABLE (bleep) HOMICIDE.
LET'S GO TO THE MAGIC SCREEN
AND SEE WHAT OUR GOOD FRIEND DAVID CHANG IS PREPARING.
(man) CHANG.
(swishing, cow moos)
OXTAIL-- IT'S SUPER DELICIOUS.
YOU SEE IT IN ALL OTHER CULTURES, EXCEPT AMERICA.
IT LOOKS A LITTLE GNARLY, I THINK.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK THAT IT'S OFF-PUTTING,
BUT YOU GOTTA EAT THE TAIL.
(Anthony) I FIGURE WHATEVER DAVID CHANG DOES WITH OXTAIL,
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
BUT PEERING THROUGH THE ALL-SEEING MAGIC SCREEN
AT HIS SORRY-*** CONDITION THIS MORNING,
I'M A BIT CONCERNED MY MAN'S A BIT HUNGOVER.
BUT I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GONNA GO WITH IT.
WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT?
IS HE SHOPPING AT, LIKE, THE KWIK-E-MART?
I SHOULD'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK.
I GRABBED SOME KOREAN KOMBU.
DOENJANG--IT'S A KOREAN VERSION OF MISO,
BUT THIS IS SUPER FUNKY.
SOME DRIED CHILIES-- MIGHT MAKE A SAUCE.
WE HAVE SOME LEEKS, SOME RICE CAKES.
IF WE GO THE SOUP ROUTE, WE'LL GO WITH THIS.
APPLE PEAR--
LOOKS LIKE AN APPLE, TASTES LIKE A PEAR.
THIS IS THE BEST SAUCE, BUT THE FACE--
LOOK HOW ANGRY SHE IS. IT'S LIKE MY AUNT. IT'S AWESOME.
BEEF JERKY.
IT'S ONE OF MY GREAT WEAKNESSES IN LIFE.
WE'RE GONNA INCORPORATE IT INTO OUR SAUCE.
WHATEVER HE'S MAKING, I CALL FIRST DIBS.
(beeps)
YOU JUST, LIKE, BOIL THE (bleep) OUT OF OXTAILS.
IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT PLEASURES IN LIFE.
IN MY HOUSEHOLD,
WE'D HAVE, LIKE, KOREAN-AMERICAN THANKSGIVING,
SO YOU'D HAVE TURKEY, AND YOU'D HAVE KOREAN DISHES.
MY MOM'S BRAISED SHORT RIB DISH,
GALBIJJIM, WHICH IS REALLY DELICIOUS.
SO WE MIGHT MAKE-- DO A VERSION OF THAT.
SO WE'VE GOT A RIPPING HOT OVEN HERE.
KOREANS--THEY DON'T BROWN THEIR MEAT.
THEY DON'T GET, LIKE, A MAILLARD REACTION.
WE'RE GONNA BROWN OURS,
AND IT'S GONNA BUILD A LAYER OF FLAVORS.
I HATE SAYING THAT, BUT IT'S (bleep) TRUE.
AFTER THE OXTAIL'S BEEN BROILED,
CHANG COMBINES 'EM WITH LEEKS, APPLE JUICE,
GARLIC, SOY, AND APPLE PEAR.
PRESSURE-COOK TILL TENDER.
I STOPPED COOKING FOR MY PARENTS FOR THANKSGIVING
BECAUSE IT GOT TO BE TOO MUCH.
YOU GO HOME, SEE YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR RELATIVES,
AND ALL THEY WANT YOU TO DO-- AND I'M SURE EVERY COOK
IN AMERICA CAN ATTEST TO THIS--IS LIKE,
"OH, WHY DON'T YOU COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER
OR CHRISTMAS DINNER OR WHATEVER?"
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "THANKS. THANKS."
I'VE NEVER DEEP-FRIED AN OXTAIL BEFORE,
THEN TAKE THE TENDER OXTAIL
OUT OF THE PRESSURE COOKER AND DEEP-FRY THEM.
SO WE'VE GOT A NICE COLOR ON THESE OXTAILS,
AND NOW I'M GONNA GLAZE 'EM
IN A REDUCTION OF THE BRAISING LIQUID.
SO IN SOME OF THAT BROTH, WE COOKED SOME OF THOSE RICE CAKES.
JUST PUT IT ON THE BOTTOM.
AND WE'LL LEAVE THE MEAT ON THE BONE.
GARNISH WITH MORE SCALLION AND FRESH APPLE PEAR.
YEAH, (bleep) YOUR TURKEY, GRANDMA.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR MY HOLIDAY DINNER.
OXTAIL--IT'S NO B.S.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY TASTY
THAT SHOULD BE ON MORE, UH, HOLIDAY TABLES.
SO REMEMBER, RUHLMAN, SAVE THOSE LEFTOVERS.
THEY'LL BE SO DELICIOUS TOMO--JESUS!
HEY. TONY.
THERE'S MUSICIANS IN MY FRIDGE. WHA....
(man) ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ DRINKING BEER, DRINKING BEER ♪
♪ YEAH, BEERS FOR YEARS ♪
♪ CHECKING SHAKA ZULU TIES BEERS FOR EARS ♪
(speaking indistinctly) ♪ MACHETE, MACHETE ♪
♪ EK SHANEESH, HASHISH, EDDIE SAIZ SPEAKS ♪
♪ SHEESH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT ED SAID ♪
♪ PEOPLE ALWAYS FOLLOW LIKE DEADHEADS ♪
♪ SWALLOWING RED MEDS, SWALLOWING BLUES, TOO ♪
♪ VARIOUS HUES, DUDE ♪
♪ DOWNTOWN BROWN, LIKE YOO-HOO, WATCH IT LIKE YouTube ♪
♪ WATCH IT LIKE YouTube, WATCH IT LIKE YouTube ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
I NEED TO CLEAN OUT MY FRIDGE MORE OFTEN.
NEXT UP, HE'S A FRIEND
TO ALL LIVING CREATURES LARGE AND SMALL.
NO, ACTUALLY THAT'S SOME OTHER GUY.
(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
WE HAVE NEVER RECEIVED
SO MUCH OUTRAGED MAIL
FROM OFFENDED, ANGRY CORE VIEWERS
AS WHEN WE PUT MY UNCLE TED ON.
GRILLING US UP SOME STEAKS-- MY GOOD BUDDY,
MY UNCLE TED NUGENT.
I HAVE A LITTLE HINT OF JEALOUSY
(man breathing heavy)
BECAUSE HE GETS TO KILL MORE (bleep) ON HIS TV SHOW
THAN I DO.
ACTUALLY, HE HAS OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A WUSS.
(Anthony) BUT NEITHER ME NOR MY UNKY TED
HAVE EVER LET POLITICAL DIFFERENCES STAND IN THE WAY
OF OUR SHARED APPRECIATION
FOR A BLEEDING SLAB OF ANIMAL PROTEIN
OR THE JOY OF CARTRIDGE CASINGS FROM A HIGH-CALIBER WEAPON
BOUNCING OFF YOUR SKULL.
MAN, YOU GOT THE RHYTHM GOING.
(Ted) ANTHONY DID-- IT CHANGED HIS LIFE.
DID YOU NOTICE THE INCREASED GLOW
IN MY FRIEND ANTHONY'S OVERALL DEMEANOR
ONCE HE FIRED A BELT-FED M60 WITH UNCLE TED?
(laughter)
BY THE WAY, A SPECIAL TODAY-- FREE MACHINE GUNS
(laughter)
I LOVE SHOOTING WHEN I'M ON TOUR, BY THE WAY.
YOU ALWAYS PLAY BETTER GUITAR AT NIGHT.
THE RANGE IS HOT!
AND THE GUITAR PLAYER'S GOT A GUN!
(bell dings)
BIG-HEARTED GUY THAT HE IS,
TED'S AGREED TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF
FROM HIS BUSY TOURING SCHEDULE, RUSH OUT BACK
DURING THE DRUM SOLO,
AND SHOW US HOW TO GRILL UP SOME T-BONES NUGE-STYLE...
LOOK AT THAT-- EFFERVESCENCE.
AFTER WHICH, HE SAID, HE'D FedEx 'EM RIGHT OVER
IN TIME FOR THE PARTY.
THAT'S VERNORS GINGER ALE AND A BUNCH OF OLIVE OIL.
NOW YOU CAN JUST GET CREATIVE.
AND I KNOW TONY JUST HATES WHEN WE DO THIS.
WELL, BLACK PEPPER I GUESS WE CAN GET OUT OF A JAR.
I DON'T PUT A WHOLE LOT IN THERE.
A LITTLE OREGANO.
PEPPERCORNS.
SEA SALT.
NOW MY GUYS--WE EAT LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME
AT REHEARSALS.
WE DON'T EAT MUCH BEEF AT THE NUGENT HOUSE.
WE PREFER VENISON
AND PURE, ORGANIC PROTEIN ON THE HOOF.
SO WHAT I DO IS I SLAP THAT STUFF IN THERE.
HEY, GIRLS, SINCE I'M ALL GREASY,
SOMEBODY SMASH ME SOME GARLIC.
GOT A CINDER BLOCK HANDY OR A BALL-PEEN HAMMER?
I LOVE THE WORD "BALL-PEEN."
I WAS GONNA NAME MY SON BALL-PEEN.
WE GET THIS GOOP GOING ON ALL THIS STUFF.
ALL RIGHT, HERE GOES THE MAGIC SLAB-AGE.
LOOK HOW PRETTY-- OH, SIZZLE FOR DADDY--
SACRED FLESH AS IT LANDED.
YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY USES THE CATCH PHRASE
THAT FREE-RANGE IS HEALTHIER.
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
THERE ISN'T ANY FREE RANGE IN THE GROCERY STORE.
IT AIN'T FREE, AND IT AIN'T A RANGE.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT BIGGER PEN THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND IN.
I ONLY EAT WHAT I KILL MYSELF.
IT'S A SPIRITUAL REMINDER
OF WHERE YOUR SUSTENANCE COMES FROM.
HERE, YOU LOOK GOOD. GO AHEAD, MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHO--WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE
EATING OUR FREAKIN' STEAKS? I PAID FOR THAT MEAT, DUDE.
IS TED USING MY BOUGHT AND PAID FOR ANIMAL PROTEIN
FOR WHATEVER DIABOLICALLY RIGHT-WING CAUSE
HE'S INTO THIS WEEK?
HOW YOU DOING, SON? DID YOU GET SOME FOOD?
HEY, SOMEBODY ASK WHICH WAY THAT GUY VOTED. AW, JEEZ.
HEY, BIRTHER FREAK, GET YOUR HAND OFF THAT STEAK!
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
THE MAN KNOWS HOW TO COOK-- ONE THING WE CAN SAY FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW, TED EATS SO MUCH MEAT WHEN WE REHEARSE,
WE TOLD HIM TO GO OUT ONE DAY AND KILL A SALAD.
THE AMERICAN DREAM IS ABOUT LIVING TO THE MAX EVERY DAY.
NOW EVERY DAY IS A CELEBRATION.
EVERY DAY IS A HOLIDAY AT UNCLE TED'S CAMP.
THE ONLY DIFFICULTY WE HAVE IS TO CONTROL THE HAPPINESS.
I MEAN, I (bleep) SMILES.
IS THAT LEGAL IN PHILADELPHIA?
(belches) BARACK. NOW I GOTTA HAVE THAT CHECKED.
A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE PARTY,
I CALL IN A FAVOR FROM A GOOD FRIEND IN BALTIMORE.
HOW THIS GUY GOT A GIG ON THAT OTHER NETWORK
I'LL NEVER KNOW. HE'S FEROCIOUSLY TALENTED.
AND THEY ACTUALLY MAKE FOOD ON HIS SHOW.
(laughing)
MASTER CAKE MAKER OF CHARM CITY CAKES.
AND WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS A CAKE WITH, LIKE,
A MARZIPAN SANTA GETTING WATERBOARDED,
(bird squawking)
LET'S MAKE A CAKE OF A COOKED GOOSE, BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE A BIRD. IT'S GONNA TASTE LIKE CAKE.
WE'RE MAKING FOOD OUT OF FOOD.
TO BEGIN, DUFF'S ASSOCIATE BEN
HAND-CARVES A DELICIOUS PUMPKIN SPICE CAKE
WITH CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM
INTO THE SHAPE OF A HOLIDAY GOOSE.
I ALWAYS WONDERED, BY THE WAY, WATCHING HIS SHOW--
THAT (bleep) LOOKS REAL GOOD, BUT WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?
BASICALLY, WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW--
BEN JUST USED A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE--
TURKEY MESH? TURKEY MESH--
TO MAKE THE TURKEY SKIN SORT OF TEXTURE, RIGHT?
HE'S GONNA LAY IT ON HERE.
HERE, I'M GONNA TRIM THE TURKEY SKIN FIRST.
THAT'S THE BEST PART. (laughing)
I KNOW.
THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD. IT'S LIKE, GET THAT OFF YOUR TABLE.
(speaking indistinctly)
YOU KNOW, LIKE, COME ON. (laughing)
(crunching)
TO ACHIEVE THAT DARK, CRISPY, MEL GIBSON'S NECK
TURKEY SKIN PATINA, DUFF MAKES PAINT OUT OF DYE
MIXED WITH GOOD OLD "BAWLMER" ***.
IT'S GETTING GOLDEN BROWN, BECAUSE FIRST WE PUT ON
A LAYER OF IVORY. NOW WE'RE PUTTING ON A LAYER OF BROWN.
AND SO YOU'RE REALLY GETTING THAT LAYERED EFFECT.
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT THIS IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
YOU JUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WHAT--WHAT DOES A BIRD LOOK LIKE
WHEN IT'S COOKED?
AT LEAST NOW-- NOW WE'RE LOOKING GOOD.
THEN OUT COMES THE BLOWTORCH.
I LOVE ANYTHING WITH A TORCH AND FIRE.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF OUT OF CONTROL.
THIS IS DEFINITELY COOKING FROM THE HIP. (laughing)
(kissing) (girls) TONY, WE LOVE YOU.
(Anthony) EVERYTHING IS MADE OUT OF SWEET STUFF--
THE PLATTER, LITTLE ROAST NEW POTATOES,
I SLICED UP CELERY--
DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS CELERY.
NOW YOU'VE GOT NICE, TOASTY STUFFING.
I HAPPEN TO BE IN TOWN FOR MY MONTHLY FIX OF LAKE TROUT,
SO I DROP BY TO SEE HOW MY CAKE IS COMING ALONG.
AN'TONY, SO YOU DON'T HAVE A BIRD
(Anthony) THIS IS GENIUS.
SO, CHEF,
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER HERE AND PIPE A CONVERSATION HEART?
(Ben) YOU KNOW HOW TO PIPE, RIGHT?
(indistinct conversation)
"BAWLMER"--THAT'S B-A-W-L-M-E-R.
BAWL-- B-A-W-L--YEAH.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS, HUH?
(laughter)
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT NO EXPENSE WAS SPARED
IN NON-DENOMINATIONAL,
OFFEND-NO-ONE-OR-EVERYONE DECORATIONS.
(Duff) NOW WE GOT CHRISTMAS. WE GOT BASTILLE DAY.
HALLOWEEN. THERE'S A BUNNY OF NO DENOMINATION.
OH, ARBOR DAY HERE.
GROUND HOG IS LOOKING FOR HIS SHADOW.
AND, UH, THERE'S SOME GINGERBREAD GUYS.
CHEF, WILL YOU DO THE HONORS OF THE PARSLEY?
JUST A LITTLE.
THAT'S A NICE-LOOKING BIRD.
NICE.
YES.
(woman) HAPPY... (speaking indistinctly)
BEST GENERIC HOLIDAY FEAST EVER.
AND IT'S SAY GOOD-BYE TO DUFF UNTIL DINNER.
NEXT UP--A LITTLE NIP
OF MY KIND OF HOLIDAY COCKTAIL...
AND THE MAIN COURSE.
(muffled voice) HUNGRY FOR MORE?
GET MY FULL ITINERARY ON travelchannel.com.
MMM, DUCK!
(imitating chomping)
(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(Anthony) FOR MUCH OF HISTORY, I'M GUESSING,
AND FOR A LOT OF FAMILIES,
NOTHING SAID GENERIC HOLIDAY FEASTS
LIKE A BIG POT OF BOILED MEAT AND ROOT VEGETABLES.
THIS IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT THOSE FUNDAMENTALIST LOCAVORE TYPES
WANT YOU TO EAT ALL WINTER IF YOU LIVE IN, LIKE,
THE UPPER PENINSULA OF MICHIGAN.
OF COURSE, THEY TEND TO LIVE SOMEPLACE WARM.
BEHOLD THE BEGINNINGS
OF REALLY GREAT FRENCH DISHES--POT AU FEU.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN? "POT ON THE FIRE."
THIS COMES FROM COUNTRY-***, HARD-WORKING,
(cow moos)
WHO HAD NO TIME TO COOK AND NOT MUCH TO COOK WITH.
BACK IN THE DAY, A LOT OF THESE CLASSIC DISHES
WERE COOKED IN A FIREPLACE.
YOU'D THROW A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF IN A POT.
YOU'D THROW IT ON THE COALS OF THE FIRE.
YOU'D GO OUT AND WORK ALL DAY AND COME BACK,
AND YOU'D HAVE A MEAL.
START OFF WITH A BIG POT OF COLD WATER--
REALLY IMPORTANT THAT IT'S COLD.
THROW MY MEAT INTO THE COLD WATER.
WE'RE TALKING CHEAP-*** CUTS OF MEAT, IF YOU LIKE.
THIS DISH IS MADE FOR THAT.
BUT SINCE WE HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OF AN ENORMOUS SWAG BAG
FROM PAT LaFRIEDA,
WE'RE USING SOME VERY NICE SHANKS,
OXTAILS, SHORT RIBS,
AND ALSO SOME SHOULDER AND TONGUE.
CELERY ROOT, TURNIP,
SOME LEEK THAT WE JUST CUT DOWN AND WASHED,
ONION, A (bleep) OF CARROT--
BRING IT UP TO A SIMMER, MAKE SURE IT'S SET ON A SIMMER,
AND THEN GO OUT FOR SOME COCKTAILS.
WHILE OUR MEAT SIMMERS ON THE FIRE LIKE DAYS OF YORE
AND WE WAIT FOR THE GUESTS TO ARRIVE,
RUHLMAN AND I HEAD DOWN TO THE CORNER
FOR A SEASONAL BEVERAGE--
OTTO'S SHRUNKEN HEAD AND TIKI BAR.
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT WE SHOULD'VE REPLACED SANTA
WITH DON HO.
AND INSTEAD OF SOME NASTY EGGNOG,
I WANT A MAI TAI WITH, LIKE, UMBRELLAS IN IT,
SIP OUR DRINKS FROM THE FESTIVE DEPTHS OF A SKULL.
THANK YOU.
OH, COME ON.
NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE TIKI CRAZE GREW UP
YEP, WHEN ALL THE G.I.s CAME BACK FROM HAWAII,
THEY BROUGHT BACK STORIES OF THE SOUTH SEAS.
AND EVERYBODY WAS SORT OF JEALOUS.
THE TIKI CRAZE KINDA TOOK OFF.
AND AMERICA IS BETTER FOR IT.
(laughter)
REALLY?
THEY WERE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE CLASSIC VIETNAM VET
WHO COMES BACK ALL TRAUMATIZED AND, YOU KNOW, FREAKED OUT.
THAT--THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL HELLS ANGELS.
THEY CAME OUT OF WORLD WAR II AND JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO DO ANYTHING BUT RIDE AROUND ON BIKES
RIGHT. THAT IS A HELL OF A MAI TAI.
THESE--THESE ARE... (speaking indistinctly)
THE BEST MAI TAI EVER, ACTUALLY.
YEAH.
CHESTNUTS ROASTING OVER THE OPEN FIRE? NOT REALLY.
STORIES ABOUT PILGRIMS? THAT STUFF IS DEPRESSING.
I WANT TO ESCAPE THE COLD AND UGLINESS
AND SQUALOR OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE,
BE TRANSPORTED ALOFT ON THE WINGS
OF HAWAIIAN-SHIRTED ANGELS
OR AT LEAST GET MIGHTILY (bleep) UP
ON A BATHTUB-SIZED FLAMING DRINK
WITH A GOOD FRIEND...
OR RUHLMAN. HE'LL DO.
(cheers and applause)
(noisemakers blowing)
LET'S GO KICK THE (bleep) OUT OF A DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA.
THAT WOULD BE FUN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? ANYTHING YOU WANT.
OTHER THAN WORLD PEACE.
YOU SOUND LIKE MY PARENTS.
YOU KNOW, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR--FOR CHRISTMAS, MOM?"
(laughing)
I WAS THINKING SOCKS, YOU KNOW?
I WANT A TIKI BAR. I WANT A TIKI BAR IN MY APARTMENT....
WITH TIKI TORCHES AND A LITTLE CHAISE LOUNGE
WITH--WITH, LIKE, SOME SAND ON THE GROUND,
MAYBE A THATCHED-- I WANT THIS, BASICALLY.
I WANT TO MOVE THIS PLACE INTO MY APARTMENT.
I WOULD NEVER HAVE ANYONE OVER. I'D JUST DRINK THERE ALONE,
YOU KNOW, LIKE SCHWARTZ WITH THE BELT UP TO HERE...
YOU KNOW, MY CABANA GEAR, SITTING THERE WITH, LIKE,
BLUE, VEINY-- VEINY LEGS, YOU KNOW,
WITH GLASSES.
I WOULD SIT THERE RAVING AND DRUNK
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL VISION OF YOUR FUTURE.
ALL RIGHT, RUHLMAN,
BACK TO THE SALT MINES. LET'S GO.
OH, DON HO,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NEXT ELVIS.
(Anthony) MAN, THAT IS LOOKING GOOD.
AFTER A 2 1/2-HOUR COCKTAIL BREAK,
THROW IN THE FASTER-COOKING STUFF LIKE CABBAGE
AND POTATOES.
MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
EVERYBODY SERVES THEMSELVES.
PIECE OF THE TONGUE. I WANT THE LEEK.
I DON'T WANT THE TURNIP. THAT KIND OF A THING.
AS MUCH BROTH AS YOU LIKE.
AND THEN YOU CAN EITHER MIX
(speaking indistinctly)
OR JUST DIP OR SLATHER OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.
CUTS WITH A FORK.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS DISH--
THOSE PALE COLORS.
YOU WANT IT TO LOOK RUSTIC, YOU KNOW,
IN THE BEST POSSIBLE SENSE.
THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT GENERIC HOLIDAY FAMILY MEAL--
YEAH.
FROM, YOU KNOW, COSBYS TO MANSONS.
NEXT UP, OUR TRIUMPHANT HOLIDAY MEAL
WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY,
(screaming)
(man) HO HO...
(coughing) HO.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(Anthony) MOST OF THE TIME, HOLIDAY PARTIES ARE A BLAST.
ACTUALLY, NO.
USUALLY THEY SUCK.
THERE'S A REASON *** RATES SPIKE DRAMATICALLY
AROUND THE SEASON.
THINGS GO WRONG. MAYBE YOUR HOUSE CATCHES FIRE...
(screaming)
OR NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS SHOW UP,
(goose honking)
OR YOUR CHEF FRIENDS ARE TOO BUSY OPENING RESTAURANTS
OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO.
NOT A PROBLEM. ME AND RUHLMAN,
WE PLANNED FOR EVERYTHING.
BUT WHAT WE HADN'T COUNTED ON
WAS THE STARVING, DEADBEAT,
BROKE-*** (bleep) ON MY CREW, WHO, OF COURSE,
AFTER MORE THAN A FEW DRINKS OF THEIR OWN--
PROBABLY THE COOKING WINE
AND WHATEVER IT WAS BATALI MADE THEM DRINK--
THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD WE MADE.
I GUESS LIVING ON LENTILS AND SNICKERS BARS
TAKES ITS TOLL.
BUT LIKE ALL PROFESSIONALS,
RUHLMAN AND I HAVE A PLAN "B."
I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT MY FRIEND MARKY RAMONE
AND HIS BUDDY MICHALE GRAVES
WERE HAVING THEIR OWN LITTLE CELEBRATION
AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE RESTAURANTS--HOP KEE.
OH, BOY.
SO I ASK YOU, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? SANTY CLAUS IS COMING.
YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT.
A FACEL VEGA.
ITALIAN--I THINK IT'S ITALIAN OR FRENCH SPORTS CAR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WANT TO FLY "THE MILLENNIUM FALCON."
YEAH, I WANT TO TAKE "THE MILLENNIUM FALCON"
WHAT IF YOU COULD (bleep) ANYBODY OVER FOR CHRISTMAS?
NOTHING PERSONAL KIND OF A THING,
I THINK THE SURVIVING MEMBERS OF THE GRATEFUL DEAD...
(laughter)
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
OH, YEAH.
JETHRO TULL. I'D LIKE TO HUNT THAT (bleep) DOWN.
HE'S--THEY'RE STILL TOURING, RIGHT?
OSAKA FLOPSTAR.
WOW.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- SEALS AND CROFTS.
♪ SUMMER BREEZE MAKES YOU FEEL MOIST ♪
OR WHATEVER.
SO THIS IS WHAT WE NEED FOR CHRISTMAS.
WE NEED A TIME MACHINE...
TO GO BACK AND PREVENT THESE (bleep) FROM EVER HAPPENING.
RIGHT?
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO PROMISED THEY'D COME TO OUR PARTY,
BUT THEN DROPPED US LIKE RADIOACTIVE LEPERS
RECEDE FROM CONSCIOUSNESS.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST HOLIDAY MEAL EVER.
ANYTIME.
THE CHEFS AT HOP KEE PREPARE A BOUNTY OF DISHES
THAT YOU HAVE TO BE ON THE INSIDE TRACK
TO KNOW TO ORDER-- SEA CUCUMBER, A CHEWY DELICACY
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT THIS.
SHRIMP AND CREAM SAUCE,
DEEP-FRIED LOBSTER PREPARED WITH GINGER AND SCALLIONS.
(Marky) LOBSTER...
(laughter)
I LOVE MARKY RAMONE. HE NOT ONLY MAKES GREAT MUSIC
AND WAS IN THE GREATEST BAND EVER,
BUT THE MAN CAN EAT...
AND EAT...
AND EAT...
AND EAT.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SIX--NO, EIGHT YEARS.
YOU PUT AWAY FOOD LIKE NOBODY I'VE EVER MET.
BUT THE FACT IS YOU HAVE EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD TASTE.
THANK YOU, SANTA, FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS.
THANK YOU, SANTA, FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS
AND FOR INVADING POLAND-- OH, NO, THAT WAS HITLER.
YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH YOUR SANTA ISSUES.
UNTIL YOU'VE FELT SANTA'S TUMESCENT (bleep)
UP AGAINST YOUR 6-YEAR-OLD THIGH,
I THINK IT'S AWFUL.
(man growling) SANTA.
(Anthony) NO GENERIC HOLIDAY IS COMPLETE WITHOUT THE BIRD.
OH, WOW.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
(all) HEY, SANTA...
(laughter)
(Marky) ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(playing "When We Were Angels")
(cheers and applause)
(Michale) ♪ I'M SORRY ♪
♪ I WROTE ANOTHER LETTER ♪
♪ SAYING HOW MUCH I WANT TO DIE ♪
♪ ALL THE HORROR MOVIES ♪
♪ ARE REAL IN MY MIND ♪
♪ AND SOMEHOW WHEN I WALK AWAY ♪
♪ WHEN THE PAIN'S TOO MUCH TO HIDE ♪
♪ YOU NEVER LET ME GET TOO FAR AWAY ♪
♪ YOU SAVE ME ON SUNDAY ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ WHEN WE WERE ANGELS ♪