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Michael Kyle? Is that you?
It's me, Susan Green from high school.
I'm sorry, I don't... I don't remember.
Remember, you got stuck in my locker trying to steal my bra?
(GASPING) Susan "Sexy" Green!
The cheerleader. Yeah!
From good old Titus High.
Remember? Give me a "T," give me an "I," give me a "T"...
Give me a "U," give me a "S," as in "us."
Excuse me. Move.
Hi, Susan! Janet Thomas. Remember me?
No, not really.
I sat right next to you in homeroom for four years. Remember?
No.
I was the water girl for the cheerleaders.
Gave you a little sip... You know?
Oh, right!
Little moonface Jay!
Yeah. She grew into the face.
You haven't changed a bit.
And you have this whole Michael Jordan thing happening.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I get that a lot.
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
No, you don't.
This is the girl you knocked up and had to marry?
Yes, it is. We've had 17 of the most incredible years
of our lives and we have three children, too.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, and I see another one on the way.
No, no. No, no.
No. See, it's very difficult keeping weight off
when you have children and you're a mother, you know?
Tell me about it. I have seven.
Wow.
What, do you live in the gym?
No. I don't have time. What with the kids,
running the magazine, the presidential campaign.
I can hardly find time for my missionary work.
Well, seven kids, you seem to be in the missionary a lot.
Susan, yeah, what magazine do you work for?
You probably haven't heard of it.
I run a small magazine. It's called New Age Woman.
New Age Woman? Why, that's her favorite magazine!
Jay can't get enough of that New Age magazine.
Every time I go out, she says, "Hey, Michael,
"bring me back my New Age."
"I gotta go to the bathroom. Where's the New Age? Where's the New Age?"
The New Age. Look.
We got a copy right here. This is this month's issue.
Could you sign it for her?
Oh, yeah.
You know what, Susan girl, we don't wanna hold you up.
Michael, let's go to the 10 items or less aisle.
But we got more than 10 items.
Now we don't. Goodbye, Susan.
Hey, you know what? I got a great idea.
Why don't we all get together and...
I remember Susan.
She was skinny and smart and beautiful
and everyone liked her.
God, I hated her.
It was miserable, too. I mean, being around her
made me feel 16 and awkward and ugly again.
You were never awkward.
Thank you. But you should've seen Michael.
I mean, he was ridiculous.
He was acting like a little teenager.
Drooling all over himself.
She called him Michael Jordan.
He about forgot I was even standing there.
Michael Jordan?
Yes.
I don't think so. Not even Lou Gossett on a good day.
Maybe Scatman Crothers.
You know we don't get along.
If it wasn't for your husband meddling in my business,
I would be married to Ricky Baker.
Michael told Ricky I slept with the whole football team.
Wanda, you did. You did.
No, I didn't.
I never slept with the kicker.
Oh, maybe I did.
Anyway, do you think that I'm overreacting?
Oh, no.
No?
Men get very insecure at his age.
With his hair gone, his spine curving
and his *** drooping,
all it takes is a little compliment
from some little heifer to turn his head.
That's exactly what I was afraid of.
And you better be.
I've seen it happen to the least suspecting.
What about that married man I was dating?
You would think my sister would've seen it coming.
And it took you to show her the light, huh?
That's what big sisters are for.
Okay.
What do you think I should do?
You're gonna have to do something
to snap his little peanut head around.
Peanut head? I always thought he looked like a Milk Dud.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, well, well.
Girl, I got to go. Your husband is home.
Jay, I thought we said no pets in the house?
He didn't mean that, Wanda. He did not mean that.
I know. He just says the first thing that pops in his scalp.
Hey, you got something on your chin.
No, lower, the other chin. Right down, this one.
I gotta go.
Don't let him scare you off, Wanda.
Oh, I'm not leaving because of him, girl. I gotta run.
Yeah, you gotta run, you gotta do some sit-ups, some tae-bo.
(LAUGHING)
Very funny, Mr. Rogaine.
You know what? I'm gonna dedicate my life
to making yours miserable.
Even if I have to live to 150.
No.
You got about four more years left.
Bye, Jay.
Bye, Wanda.
Why are you so mean to her?
Because every time she come over here,
she start up some trouble.
That is not true.
Do you think I'm ugly?
Compared to Wanda?
No. Compared to Susan Green.
Oh, come on, Jay.
(GRUNTS)
I'm not even thinking about Susan Green.
I married you. You're my wife and my queen.
I only have eyes for you.
Well, do you think I've changed much since high school?
No. You're exactly the same.
You got the same hairdo, you got the same blood type,
same DNA, same shoe size, same Social Security number.
You're just the same Jay.
(CRYING)
Why are you crying?
You're right! I haven't changed much.
Susan Green blossomed, while I'm a stump that hasn't grown.
Please don't compare yourself to her.
No! No, Michael!
Baby, you've got so much more going on than that woman.
You're smart, you're fun, you're funny.
It's like hanging out with the fellas with you sometimes.
You know? And what has she got? Beauty.
She's a pretty girl and that's it.
In another 20, 30 years that'll all fade away.
But you know what?
My sturdy Jay'll keep chugging along.
(HIGH-PITCHED CRYING)
What did I say?
No, no, dude. I'm not gonna do it.
Man, it's a tradition.
Everybody who makes the team has to do one.
Yup. I had to run across four lines of traffic. Buck naked.
Yup. And I had to drink a whole bottle of hot sauce. Naked.
That's fine, but I can't sneak into
the girls' locker room and take Denise Adams' bra.
If I get caught, I'll get expelled.
Yeah, well, it's either that or you're washing team jockstraps.
And team balls.
Naked.
I'll get the bra.
What bra?
It's none of your business. Just shut up.
Make me shut up.
I don't make trash, I bake it.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Ooh, look. Lickawish.
What did you call it?
Lickawish.
Yeah, lickawish. Why, what do you call it?
Liquorish.
(LAUGHING) Say it again.
Liquorish.
That's funny.
What's so funny about liquorish?
Everyone else on the planet pronounces it "liquorish."
Hey, girls.
Hi.
Hey.
Whoa! Hand me some of that lickawish.
That is so weird.
Claire, where's your mother at?
Oh, she's upstairs. She's been in bed all day.
Come here. I wanna talk to you.
Can you please go upstairs and try to talk to your mother?
Why, what's wrong?
I don't know. It's some sort of
emotional-woman thing that I don't understand.
Could you just go up there and exhale with her or something?
Okay. I know just the thing that'll cheer her up.
Great.
Here, Mom, I brought you some goodies.
I've got some ice cream, cookies, some magazines.
Oh, and my favorite, lickawish. Let me get one.
(GRUNTS)
So, what's going on, Mom?
(CLICKING TONGUE) I don't know, Claire.
You ever have one of those days where you just feel blah?
No.
I mean, when you are looking in the mirror
and you don't like what you see looking back at you.
You ever... You know that feeling?
No.
Okay. I'm talking about, Claire,
when you hate your clothes,
your hair's not working anymore.
You know that feeling, right?
No.
You know what, Claire, go on and get out.
Come on, Claire. Go on, please.
Just because I'm young and beautiful
doesn't mean I can't empathize.
Okay, okay. Well, lately,
I've been feeling like I've been in a rut.
Like I hit a wall. I just feel frumpy.
Why?
(SIGHING) I ran into this girl from my old high school.
Oh, say no more.
I run into people from high school every day.
Claire, listen to me.
This girl looked 15 years younger than me.
She was doing all these wonderful things with her life.
She had seven kids and her body looked fantastic.
Oh, that sounds awful.
It was.
Your self worth must be diminished,
which causes you to feel bad on the inside.
Yeah.
And that, in turn, is reflected
on the way you look on the outside.
Claire, that's really, really insightful.
Oh, I know. Let me finish.
Okay.
Now, you'd have to work out the internal issues in therapy...
Uh-huh.
But the external issues
are something we can fix right away.
How?
A makeover.
'Cause when a woman looks good, she feels good.
You are absolutely right.
How'd you come across this info?
I read it in this incredible magazine called New Age Woman.
Oh, great.
Here, I'll leave this article with you by a woman named Susan Green.
Mmm!
She's my hero.
Yeah, really?
Yeah.
Hey.
Yeah?
Thank you, Claire.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank Susan Green.
Ow!
What are you cooking?
Some of my famous fried chicken. Ow!
Ugh!
What are you talking about "ugh"? You love my fried chicken. Ow!
Yeah, when Mom cooks it.
Yeah. Where is she?
Ow!
I don't know. Ow!
She was very secretive when she left the house.
Ow!
Claire, you saw her last. Do you know where she went? Ouch!
I don't know a thing. Ow!
Ow!
Of course, if I did know anything, I'd say
she's gonna have a big surprise for us when she gets here.
I hope it's chicken.
(SOFTLY) Ouch!
So, what do you think? Ow!
Let me take this off the stove.
Wow, Mom.
You look better than all the girls I've ever dated.
You mean all both of them?
Yeah. I don't know what to think.
My head is a balloon of confusion.
You've got the balloon part right.
I may need therapy.
You need a brain transplant.
And you need a brain transmission.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Mom, I never thought I would say this,
but you look hot. Doesn't she, Dad?
Mmm-hmm.
Come over here and take a look.
I think I'd better stand back here.
I'm a little overwhelmed right now.
I gotta wait for my blood to return to the proper places.
You look fantastic, Mom. My work here is done.
Okay. It's a little bit too much, isn't it?
Oh, no, baby, baby, it's... It's perfect.
I mean, you look fantastic.
Yeah, yeah. The hair and everything, it's a little...
No, I love the hair.
Then the clothes. Too youthful...
Oh, baby, you look so sexy.
But...
Your butt,
I just want to take a picture with it. Like that.
You think so? I mean, you really, really think so, Michael?
Let me tell you something. I'm gonna show you how beautiful I think you look.
Hey, Junior, come in here.
Listen, I need you to take your sisters to a movie
and to dinner. A long one.
Are y'all gonna do it?
Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Okay, now that they're gone, let me prepare the operating table.
Climb aboard, my dear.
All right.
Oh, wait.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
I like that. I like that.
Wow.
(CHUCKLES)
That was incredible.
Mmm. Thank you. Yes. I am not complaining.
You seem inspired.
Look at my inspiration.
I mean, I'm almost ready for round three.
Ooh!
I said almost.
Oh.
Yes, baby. I'm glad you like it. I am.
Like it?
Yeah.
I love it.
Really?
Jay, this has always been a secret fantasy of mine.
For you to change your hair,
and then put on a slutty little outfit, you know?
(GIGGLES)
And wax your legs. I mean, not that I don't like that
earthy, au naturel India Arie thing you do.
I mean, "Sometimes I shave my legs,
"sometimes I don't."
"Sometimes I don't."
Yeah. That's still beautiful.
But this is what we need to be doing
for our marriage. To spice it up.
Uh-huh.
I mean, fantasies. What can I do for you?
Um... You could lotion up your elbows.
That would be real nice. They're a little crunchy.
Let me see. Mmm, nice, nice.
That's from making all those U-turns under the sheets.
What else can I do? What else?
Nothing, Michael.
Come on.
I don't have any fantasies. You're my fantasy.
Yes, you do...
Stop.
No! You're gonna laugh at me.
I won't laugh. I promise.
Yes, you are, Michael.
Jay, please. I promise. I won't laugh.
Okay. I do have this one fantasy, okay?
All right.
Okay. So, I'm in this Dunkin' Donuts, right?
And I'm eating all these chocolate-covered donuts.
You know, the ones with the multi-colored sprinkles on top of them.
I'm 10 donuts up, right?
Donut shop.
Oh, yeah, that's it. That's it. So then,
the whole place just catches on fire.
(WHISTLES)
And I'm about to be burned alive, and then suddenly...
What?
The Fire Chief is at the window.
The Fire Chief. I'm the Fire Chief?
You're the Fire Chief.
And your chest is all glistening 'cause it's...
The shirt's been singed off by the fire.
And I look like Wesley Snipes.
Ooh, yeah.
Or Shemar with the one *** out.
So then... So then, I say, "Save me, Fire Chief.
"Save me, save me."
And you pick me up in your big strong arms and you say,
"There's no fire in here. There's only you, hot stuff."
Mmm! Ooh! I feel it, I feel it.
That's your fantasy?
Ooh! That's it, baby. That's it.
You're right. I would laugh at that.
You know what? That's why I'm not telling you nothing no more.
Michael, no.
Donut shop?
That sounds like Rosie O'Donnell's fantasy.
Whatever, Michael.
It's the texture. It's the texture.
I know.
But listen, this new look of yours is just amazing.
Really?
Yeah.
Susan Green ain't got nothing on you.
Hold the phone.
Why?
What was that?
Repeat that.
I said, Susan Green looks like the sturdy one.
Oh, really?
So when did Susan Green become the barometer
by which all women are measured?
That's what I would like to know, Michael.
Uh-oh, I'm in trouble.
Uh-oh, you're damn right.
Baby, you're being silly.
I am not being silly, Michael.
You just made it very clear to me
that you don't wanna be with me, you wanna be with her.
I don't wanna... How'd you get that?
How did I get that? Because, Michael, in your mind,
in your little twisted, twisted, twisted mind,
you are cheating on me.
I'm cheating on you with you?
Thank you. Thank you for finally admitting it.
Thank you.
(BLOWING VIOLENTLY)
I guess there's no round three?
Hell, no!
Okay. 106, Denise Adams. 106, 106. 106...
Ah! Yes, yes.
GIRL 1: Can't believe we had to cancel cheerleading practice because of the rain!
I am so wet. Let's get out of these clothes
and into a hot shower.
GIRL 2: Oh, my God, Kelly, I love your thong.
Thank you. Did you see the rhinestone?
No, where is it?
Right here.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
That is so cute. It matches your piercing.
(MOUTHING)
GIRL 1: Darn this thing!
My back aches.
Why can't I find a bra to support these puppies?
Hey, what happened to the new Jay?
You mean, Bobby Jay, Fantasy Jay, *** Jay?
No. How about my Jay?
The girl I know and love. What happened to her?
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Come on, talk to me. What's the problem?
The problem is, Michael, I'm feeling so vulnerable.
I feel unattractive. I'm insecure.
You know, it's so hard for women to grow old,
'cause we're always comparing ourselves
to what we used to be or what our friends look like.
But men, when they get old,
they just get more distinguished.
And you fawning over Susan Green,
and then comparing me to her does not help.
First of all, I wasn't fawning over anyone.
And secondly, baby,
I never asked you to change who you are.
You did this makeover on your own.
So you were perfectly happy with sturdy, rugged, forward, tough Jay?
Yes. Yes, I was.
Listen, baby,
you are the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Both inside and out.
You're every woman I want you to be.
You're strong when you need to be strong.
You're sexy when you wanna be sexy.
You're loving, you're kind, you're sweet and sensitive.
You're caring and nurturing.
Keep going.
You're everything.
And I could go all night. Just like I did earlier.
Baby, I wish that you could see you through my eyes.
I can't, Michael.
I just feel stagnant. I feel like I'm stuck in the mud.
I'm drowning.
Well, just tell me. Whatever I can do, I'll do it.
I don't know. I just...
I need you to rescue me.
(MICHAEL IMITATING SIREN)
What is that?
MICHAEL: Ding, ding, ding, ding.
JAY: Michael! Michael!
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Someone report a fire, ma'am?
(LAUGHING) No. No, I did not.
You're right. There's no fire around here. Must be you, hot stuff.
Okay, stop it.
Michael, you look ridiculous.
Don't judge till you see this, ma'am...
(GASPING)
Chocolate-covered donuts with colored sprinkles on them.
Michael, how did you carry that
and get up that ladder at the same time?
I used my hose, ma'am.
This is too much. Michael, there's no fire here,
so there's really nothing you can do.
Au contraire.
I was sent here to rescue a damsel in distress,
and I'm not leaving until my job is done.
What are you doing?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo-hoo!
Let's go.
Donut. Give me the donut. Give me the donut.
Nice, nice.
That's from making all those U-turns under the sheets.
And I did the commando thing.
Yeah, I liked that. That was nice.
(LAUGHING)
Uh...
You don't know where you are, do you?
(BOTH LAUGHING)