Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
How does a child develop a pattern of bullying others,
of using their power aggressively,
to control and distress others?
Well, it can come from many,
many different sources.
The child can be genetically pre-disposed to that,
there are some genes that we know lead to aggressive behaviour,
but those genes don't express themselves
if the child is raised in a nurturing
and caring environment.
The child can learn by observation,
so the things that happen at home
really make a difference.
And the child can learn in the peer group,
because often other children stand around
and give encouragement to those who bully.
So what about the home?
I think this is the hardest thing
for each of us to think about.
As parents we have a huge role
in shaping a child's development.
And that means we have to think,
every moment of every day,
about what it is that we're doing,
and what it is that we're teaching by our behaviour.
Now I'd love to tell you that I never bullied my 3 children.
And that just wouldn't be true.
I got home, after a really hard day at work,
and they were screaming and hungry,
especially when they were little
and sometimes I'd lose my temper,
and I'd yell at them.
I didn't mean to, but I did it,
and then I would look at their faces
and see how frightened they were.
They were very frightened,
because I'd used my power aggressively
to control them, and it distressed them.
So what I had to do was I had to repair,
and that's probably one of the most important things
we can do as parents, is tell children you're sorry,
tell children you made a mistake,
and that it's not good
to use power aggressively,
or to use aggression to solve a problem.
For children it's as if we're on the stage
and they're in the audience all the time.
They watch what we do, they watch how we speak,
they watch how we interact with other adults,
and with them,
and that's part of the biggest learning in their lives.
So we have to be aware of what we're doing,
and how we're doing it,
because if we're not,
if we're using power aggressively,
if we're fighting, if we're yelling,
that's just what children are going to learn.