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>> HA HA HA!
[TOOLS WHIRRING]
IT'S ALIVE!
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
>> OK, EVERYONE OUT.
I GOT TO DROP
A WHOLE FUDGE CAKE.
>> [CRYING]
[WIND BLOWING]
>> ANDREW LLOYD WEBER'S
"THE BEASTMASTER" IS BROADWAY'S
NEWEST SMASH SENSATION.
>> ♪ I'M DAR, THE BEASTMASTER ♪
>> DAVID HASSELHOFF RETURNS TO
BROADWAY AS DAR THE BEASTMASTER.
>> ♪ I SEEK VENGEANCE AGAINST
THE CULT LEADER
I'M DAR THE BEASTMASTER ♪
>> ♪ I'M A LITTLE SLAVE GIRL ♪
>> COUNTRY SINGER FAITH HILL
STARS AS KIRI.
>> ♪ IS THERE NO ONE FOR ME? ♪
>> ♪ I'M THE BEASTMASTER
MY FRIEND'S A BLACK PANTHER
YOUR THOUGHTS ARE ON
*** ♪
>> NATHAN LANE AND MATTHEW
BRODERICK ARE REUNITED AS THE
TWIN FERRETS KONO AND BONO.
>> HEY, KONO.
>> HEY, BONO.
>> WHERE'S FRONO?
>> YOU DON'T KNOW.
HAKUNA MATADA!
>> AND THE ORIGINAL TAP-DANCING
KID, ALFONSO RIBEIRO,
IS A PANTHER NAMED PANTHER.
>> ♪ THESE CLAWS OF MINE
DIG INTO YOU
WHEN I MAKE LOVE TO YOU ♪
>> ♪ I'M GONNA THROW YOUR BABY
IN THE FIRE ♪
>> KISS ROCKER GENE SIMMONS
MAKES HIS BROADWAY DEBUT AS MAX.
>> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A CULT LEADER
FOLLOW TODAY
A CULT LEADER
I'LL MAKE YOU PRAY TO ME
CULT LEADER ♪
>> ♪ IT'S THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE
IT'S L-O-V, LOVE
BEASTMAN AND GIRL
TOGETHER IN HARMONY ♪
>> I'LL GET YOU, BEASTMASTER!
>> THANK YOU. IT IS AN HONOR
TO HAVE WON THE TOUR DE FRANCE
FOR A SEVENTH TIME!
>> [SPEAKING FRENCH]
>> LUCKY SEVEN! YOU KNOW,
I'VE MADE A BET
WITH YOUR PRESIDENT CHIRAC THAT
I WOULD WIN THIS RACE 7 TIMES
AND BREAK THE ALL-TIME RECORD.
IN FACT, PRESIDENT CHIRAC
BET ME ALL OF FRANCE
THAT I COULDN'T WIN 7 TIMES.
HE EVEN GOT ALL HIS GOVERNMENT
OFFICIALS TO SIGN THIS DOCUMENT
MAKING ME THE SUPER-PRESIDENT
OF FRANCE.
GO ON AND SAY IT,
YOU LITTLE WEASEL.
>> UH...[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[ONLOOKERS GASP]
>> THAT'S RIGHT, ALL YOU LITTLE
PEPE LE PEWS--LANCE ARMSTRONG
IS LARGE AND IN CHARGE!
BRING HER DOWN, BOYS.
WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!
SUPER-PRESIDENT! HA HA!
WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. BACK UP.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
WHO'S THIS ***?
YOU HALF-SMILING AT ME?
I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING
TO HALF-SMILE ABOUT.
HALF A SET OF BALLS
IN YOUR MOUTH.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, MONA LISA?
I'LL MAKE YOU MOAN.
YOU LAUGHING AT MY BALLS?
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
RIGHT NOW, BABY.
I BEAT CANCER.
I'LL BEAT THE [BEEP] OUT OF YOU.
YOU GOT GREY POUPON.
I'LL POOP ON YOU.
>> MON DIEU!
>> OH, GOD, I'M LONELY!
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.
WHERE'S FROGETTE? FROGETTE!
>> WAS IT NO GOOD,
SUPER-PRESIDENT ARMSTRONG?
>> OH, NO, BABY. ALL THOSE
YEARS ON THAT BIKE SEAT.
COME ON, BABY.
YOU GOT TO DO IT HARD!
OH, COME ON. I WANT TO
CROSS THAT FINISH LINE!
CROSS THAT FINISH LINE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, LANCE.
WE'RE GOING TO CROSS
THAT FINISH LINE.
>> WHAT THIS "WE" [BEEP]?
>> HEY, BABY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YES, I KNOW I SAID I'D STOP
CALLING, BUT IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY
HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOU
FOUND SOMEONE NEW.
IS HE THERE RIGHT NOW?
OH, THE WHOLE FAMILY
IS THERE OPENING PRESENTS.
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT, BECAUSE
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.
[SAWING]
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> SANTA?
>> UH! DELORES! HOW COULD YOU?
>> HONEY!
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
WE'RE JUST, UM...
WE'RE ROLE-PLAYING.
WOW. YOU JUST EARNED
50 EXPERIENCE POINTS.
>> WOW! CAN I PLAY?
>> NO.
>> OH...
>> OH, DEAR!
OUR FLEET IS BEING DESTROYED!
>> WILL HELP EVER ARRIVE?
>> HA HA HA HA.
DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A HERO?
>> OH, THANK GOODNESS!
[BEEP] ROGERS IS FINALLY HERE!
>> WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
>> [BEEP] ROGERS.
>> MY NAME IS BUCK, BUCK ROGERS.
>> THEY'RE ALMOST THROUGH
THE SOUTH DEFENSES.
[BEEP] ROGERS, WE NEED
YOUR HELP IMMEDIATELY!
>> IT'S BUCK!
>> MY NAME IS BUCK, NOT [BEEP]!
WHAT'S WITH YOU ALIENS?
>> [BEEP]
>> IT'S BUCK! DAMN! WHAT THE--
IT'S BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK!
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'VE BEEN SHOT! [BEEP] IT HURTS!
>> WELCOME, [BEEP].
>> IT'S BUCK!
>> THAT DOES IT!
>> WAIT! AAH!
>> [BEEP] YOU! [BEEP] YOU!
[BEEP] YOU! [BEEP] YOU!
>> YOU REALLY TOLD
ALL THE ALIENS THAT
BUCK'S NAME WAS [BEEP]?
>> I WAS ATTEMPTING
HUMAN COMEDY.
>> [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
>> EEE!
>> OH! OH, MY HONEY!
IT STILL COUNTS, RIGHT?
>> DARLING!
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
WE WERE JUST ROLE-PLAYING.
>> UH, YEAH, I KNOW.
>> BETTY, CAN YOU BELIEVE
WE'RE GOING TO PARIS
FOR OUR SENIOR CLASS TRIP?
>> OUI, VERONICA.
>> BUT LOOK. POOR ARCHIE
MUST BE ON A SENIOR DRUG TRIP.
>> JEEZ, ARCHIE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO SLIP THE G.H.B.
IN THE GIRL'S DRINK,
NOT TAKE IT YOURSELF.
HA HA HA. DATE ***.
[TIRES SCREECH]
>> [SCREAMING]
>> OH, MY GOD! [BLEEP]
>> GANG, IT WAS A VISION.
WE HAVE TO GET OFF THIS BUS,
OR WE'LL ALL DIE!
>> ONLY VERONICA CAN GET ME OFF.
HA HA! ***.
>> NOW THAT WE'RE NOT GOING
TO PARIS, WE CAN ALL GO INSIDE
AND READ THE NOVELIZATION
OF "FINAL DESTINATION"
BY AUTHOR DAVID McGINTY.
>> MISS GRUNDY!
>> DID I MISS THE BUS TO FRANCE?
>> THAT BUS WASN'T SHORT ENOUGH
FOR YOU, MOOSE.
HA HA. DUMB-***.
>> WHY DO WE KEEP
HANGING OUT WITH YOU?
>> [GASPING]
>> WELL, IT WASN'T EXACTLY MY
VISION, BUT THEY SURE ARE DEAD.
>> EVEN WHEN ARCHIE HAS
A VISION, HE SCREWS IT UP.
>> I'M WORRIED. WHAT IF YOU
CAN'T AVOID THE GRIM REAPER?
>> WHO'S HE? HE SOUNDS DREAMY.
>> BLONDES ARE DUMB ***.
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> STEREOTYPE.
>> ANOTHER DAY,
ANOTHER SANDWICH IN THE SHOWER.
HEE-HOO!
I HATE ME.
HOW DO I EAT SO MUCH
AND STAY THIN?
HERE'S MY SECRET.
[GAGGING]
GO DOWN THE DRAIN, WILL YOU?
>> IF I CATCH THE PRICK WHO
KEEPS MOVING THIS APOSTROPHE,
I'M GONNA CUT HIM UP
AND [BEEP] ON HIM
AND [BEEP] HIM AND *** HIM!
>> LISTEN, DEATH IS STALKING US
ACCORDING TO WHERE WE WERE
SITTING ON THE BUS.
>> SUPERFLUOUS BLACK CHARACTER!
>> MY NAME IS CHUCK.
>> WHY WOULD DEATH FOLLOW
MR. WETHERBY'S SEATING CHART?
>> I DON'T KNOW, BLONDIE.
WHY WOULD MARTIANS SPEND
MILLIONS OF YEARS WAITING
TO ATTACK WHEN THEY COULD
HAVE JUST BEEN LIVING HERE,
OR BOTHER TO FIND OUT
IF SOMETHING IN THE AIR
WOULD MAKE THEM SICK?
>> YOU BETTER HAVE FINISHED
YOUR HAIKUS ON DEATH
FOR ENGLISH CLASS TOMORROW.
>> OH...
>> LESBIAN.
>> COME WITH ME, ARCHIE.
I'M SWEET AND INNOCENT.
>> COME WITH ME, ARCHIE.
I'M RICH AND EASY.
>> HMM...I CHOOSE...
[HORN HONKS]
STILL DECIDING...
>> DUH, MISS GRUNDY,
WHAT'S A HAIKU?
>> IT'S A KIND OF POEM.
>> DUH, WHAT'S DEATH?
>> OH, MOOSE, JUST MAKE YOURS
ABOUT FOOTBALL.
>> DUH...
>> NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND.
I'VE BEEN TEACHING THESE SAME
NITWITS FOR 40 YEARS.
MOOSE!
>> DUH! MISS GRUNDY?
>> HELP ME, MOOSE!
>> DUH!
DUH!
>> MOOSE, YOU STUPID MOTHER--
>> UH-OH. DUH, MISS GRUNDY?
DUH!
>> POOR MOOSE. THE GAS CHAMBER.
>> I'M A RICH REPUBLICAN,
BUT EVEN I FELT BAD WHEN
HE SAID, "ME TAKE NAP NOW."
DEATH, I WILL PAY YOU
ONE MILLION DOLLARS IF YOU
TAKE THESE 2 *** FIRST.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS
IMPORTANT TO YOU.
>> GO TAKE BETTY ON A DATE...
IN HELL!
>> [SLURPING]
>> WHO CHARGED A MILLION DOLLARS
TO THE FAMILY GOLD CARD?
[GLASSES CLINK]
[CHICKEN CLUCKING]
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE