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The following is a non-profit parody. Puella Magi Madoka Magica is owned by SHAFT, Gen
Urobochi, Akiyuki Shinbo, and Animplex USA.
Uh, are you okay?
Please do not sue our ***.
Why are you crying?
Iím sorry, I just have a lot of feelings.
Relax, itís not like youíre gonna die or anything.
OK, so I know itís a little out of the blue but, man, Iíve been planning this for like,
weeks, like, I donít even...
OK, I just... I mean I donít even know what the book is called I just recognized the cover
cause I saw you reading it from afar and I was, I just, whatever.
I love you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
It's not my birthday.
I know I know, itís your sisters birthday, but I felt that we should celebrate it anyway,
because why the hell not.
But I donít have a sister.
But I saw you walking with a girl before you *** up your wrist. She was your sister,
right?
She was your sister. Your sister. Right?
This is like the 3rd time I've had to switch rooms, who the hell are you and how did you
find me?
Would you just shut the *** up and take off your clothes.
I meanÖ take the present.
Oh my God! You got me my favorite novel on CD! Iíve been wanting this for ages ñ wait,
how did you know I wanted this?
Well Iíve never read it myself but Iíve seen you read it through the window.
But this is the 18th floor.
I can see you from that giant casino building across the street. I go there sometimes.
How are you allowed in a casino?
Oh, Iím not but-
How can you even see me from all the way over there?
Binoculars dude. Binoculars.
Hold on a second-
Oh my God, would you just LISTEN TO THE CD?
Okay. Did you want to listen to it too? Itís an amaaaaazing story
Sure, whatís it called?
Fifty shades of-
WHAT-
Theres no better way to end the day than by blowing up floating giant surreal paper mache
cutouts.
Now bow down to me ***!
Maybe from now on you should give the witches a "heads up" before you arrive.
ìHeads upî?
Yeah. You get it? Like... heads... up.
I donít get it.
You will.
Whoa, what the *** was that?
Hahaha, heads up. Thatís really funny.
Wait how was that funny?
I donít know I didnít get it.
Wait wha-
God, Madoka, itís like the jokes keep flying way over your head!
OK, Iím failing to see how that was funny either.
Well I kinda got aHEAD of the game there.
WAIT I DONT UNDERSTA-
NEXT SCENE!
Now time for-
Okay, so, exposition.
Hey!
Why'd you become a magical girl?
Oh, Iím sorry, if itís too personal you donít have to tell me, I was just curious...
So I was drag racing.
What.
And the *** who was racing me DIDNíT KNOW HOW TO *** MERGE so when I was pulling
up hE DIDNíT MOVE OUT OF THE WAY pROBABLY BECAUSE HE WAS TEXTING OR WHATEVER so not
only was I left for dead in my BRAND NEW FERRARI,
now Iím out 10 grand.
So originally I was just like
'síall good, síall good, Iíll just text my BFF and she'll come pick me up' and that
we'd probably go out for drinks and -
Arenít you like, 14?
Iím telling a *** story Madoka.
But-
But turns out the *** never showed up, even after I managed to text
"H A L P *** COULDNT *** MERGE AND IíM DYING LETíS GET SOME ***"
all with just my left hand ëcause everything else was paralyzed and then out of nowhere
this space ferret showed up ñ
- and I was like "holy ***, a space ferret ñ Iím gonna be rich!" but then he said that
he'd get me some *** if Iíd just sell him my soul. So I did that.
Man, it was a wild night.
Damn gurl I really have to party with you sometime!
Wait... your soul?
Hey if that thing grants wishes Iíd sell my soul!
Hold on you guys, waitÖ selling your soulÖ Soul Gem...
Hold on a minute -
IíLL GRANT YOU ANYTHING FOR YOUR SOUL!
You guys donít you think this is a bit susp-
Madoka, put that out.
What?
I see you lighting up. God, canít you see we're talking about serious *** here?
MOTHER OF GOD, NOT THIS AGAIN!
God, how are you even friends with her?
I donít know, I put up with a lot.
YOU GUYS-
Besides I know exactly what I'd wish for! Iíd make Kamijou plunge his steak into my
dark places.
I thought he was gay.
NO, HE IS NOT!
That kid is about as straight as a winding road sign.
SHUT UP! I will have him, we will be OTP and YOU WILL SHIP US!
And now, ART.
Why do I never get any comments on DeviantART?
No one seems to notice my amazing artwork and all of its deep complexities.
These pictures represent the truth of my whole being and the reflections of the universe-
I think itís because you suck.
Oh.
By the way, make a contract with me.
I donít know.
Explain the whole soul thing to me first.
The what?
The Soul Gem thing. And selling your soul. Explain that.
Does your friends know about this?
What?
The *** injections. Wow, girl, you have a problem.
I AM SO DONE.
... The hell kind of movie was that? why the hell is she still staying with Big?
For the love of God, I mean just cause heís got a fine piece of *** donít mean you gotta
stay with him!
Why donít you just become a lesbian? Iíd become a lesbian! Iíd totally become a lesbian!
Nnngghh pass the *** salt, you ***!
AND NOW, artsy scenery.
Get your head out of the way.
I canít see the *** fountain.
You really never get sick of that music do you?
But I *** love Fast and the Furious!
Teriyaki Boyz is my JAM.
Hey maybe we should go drag racing some time and I can show you some REAL music.
YOU DID NOT JUST-
No really we should seriously race some time, itís a blast. You know how to drive stick
right?
What.
Stick. You know, standard. Gear shift.
Oh. The car with the PRNDL.
Yeah, the car with th-
Iím sorry, what?
The PRNDL.
GET YOUR AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION *** THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOUíRE UNINVITED.
But thatís what it is, right? The PRNDL?
OH MY GOD HOMURA, STANDARDS DONT EVEN HAVE LETTERS!
So PRNDL?
THEY HAVE NUMBEEERS!!
Oh. OH! Twelve thousand three hundred and fourty-five ARRR?
You have got to be *** kidding.
Or is it one hundred and thirty-five? Or twenty-four ARRR? Or could it be -
ITíS FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH, FIFTH, AND REVERSE! JESUS!
I dunno, that doesnít sound rightÖ
There arenít any sts, nds, or ths after any of the numbers.
WILL YOU JUST-!
I AM A MAGICAL GIRL, I KNOW HOW NUMBERS WORK!
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A CLUTCH IS?
OH MY GOD, WOMAN, CLUTCH IS A VERB NOT A NOUN!
Iím turning on the radio to drown you out, you are literally so stupid it physically
hurts me to listen to you.
- PRETTY *** DUMB!
OH! IS THIS FMMM? MY TERIYAKI BOYZ ALWAYS BE ON FMMMM!
HEY, HEY, HEY! I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE STICK!
Dammit, I missed the whole *** scene! AARRRGHHHH!!
And now, BIKES!
You know when I was young, I never had a bike before. It kind of scarred me, as a child,
not having a bike-
OH LOOK BIKES!
Hey, dude, whatís going on? I donít think my hand can stay contorted in this position
for much longer.
You know I never even had training wheelsÖ I think I need to get a bike to cleanse my
childhood trauma.
Help me pick a bike.
Seriously. My hand. Major pain.
I like the one with the Grief Seed on it.
The what?
Oh snap!
Look at how shiny it is, I want this one!
Thatís a wall, Madoka.
Go get Mami so she can break ***.
Oh, OK, she can help me pick a bike.
You know what you should bring?
What?
HEADcheese.
You know what?
Iím not even going to respond to that, becauseÖ
Iím just. I am so done. Iím not evenÖ
I donít even care anymore. I donít even care.
Could you just go get Mami before we all get swallowed into a vortex of eternal suffer?
OK, fine.
See, thatís the bike I really want. You know, about the trauma and stuff-
Oh! Also, Sayaka and Kyubey got swallowed by a giant vortex of eternal suffer, can you
fix that?
This is where Kyubey's hiding all of the candy, isnt it?
Hey, you canít party with us until you learn how to drive stick.
Also you mysterious looking thus I judge you and assume you are evil.
That sure is a nice head youíve got on your shoulders, there, Mami.
Itíd be a shame if something were to happen to it.
Wait... What did you say?
Nothing.
THINK FAST!
THE ***!?
There, now you arenít grayscale anymore!
NoÖ Not the ribbons... NOT THE RIBBONS!
No! The sparkles!
The glistening fabric! Itís...
ITíS TOO MUCH DESU! MY BODY CANNOT TOLERATE THE DESU!
ITS TORTURING THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL!
GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
See, I told you we'd be safe behind my Captain America shield.
But that looks like a giant dirty potato chip, have you even seen the Avengers?
And now-
Whoa, whatís with all the floating bottles?
Hey!
Don't stock up, Madoka.
For the love of god, can you guys, for once, genuinely answer any of my questions?
Seriously?
Any of them at all? Like this whole magical girl thing seems really suspicious and I donít
know-
This is not the time to be injecting White Horse, Madoka.
What?
Ok, Big H.
Iím sorry, what?
Jesus Christ, Madoka, China White, Black Tar, Brown Tape, Number 4, Dope, take your pick.
Is this supposed to be some kind of innuendo because Iím not-
***, Madoka! For the love of God, donít you know the street names of your own ***
drugs??
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME ABOUT TAKING DRUGS YOU'RE THE ONE WHOS SHOUTING RANDOM *** AT
ME?
WELL MAYBE IT SOUNDS LIKE RANDOM *** BECAUSE YOU CANíT HEAR ANYTHING PROPERLY BECAUSE
YOU'RE TRIPPING BALLS!
I AM NOT- WHY ARE WE EVEN YELLING THERES NO ONE BUT US HERE!
YOU'RE THE ONE YELLING, MADOKA!
Wow, you're so high, you canít even see the freaking door.
OK, justÖ Okay... OKAY.
Could you just, answer my questions? Please.
I donít care if you think Iím high 24/7, I really donít care.
But please, can you just answer me? Iím serious.
No.
But WHY?
Stop.
Huh?
I am angst.
What... Why?
Shut up, Madoka, I need to get some backstory in.
Oh.
I alone. Sad.
You done?
Almost.
I feel like now is the right time to inform you that since we have had a lot of interaction
these past couple minutes,
fanboys and fangirls all around the globe are shipping us and have begun writing ero
doujin of you and me doing it.
We have probably about 10 minutes after this scene before this stuff starts showing up
on the internet.
Clearly, itís the right time to tell me that. Also, why are you cryingÖ?
OK, now that my character development is out of the way and we've fan pandered to all the
shippers out there, letís go break ***.
Are you ever gonna answer any of my questions?
Címon, Madoka, donít get aHEAD of yourself.
Wha- WHY. WHY ARE YOU MAKING A HEAD JOKE. WHY.
Well, maybe if you weren't high all the time, you'd get it.
I JUST. I JUST...
IÖ I am so done. I am soÖ Iím so done.
Also these are blu-ray rips, why the hell is the animation still derp?
TIME TO BLOW THE ANIMATION BUDGET!
Oh, wait, where are your gloves?
Oh, there they are.
Oh, your gloves are gone again.
Ah, there they are again.
Oh, nope.
DO YOU MIND, MADOKA? IíM TRYING TO BE A BADASS HERE!
Wow, you just crap guns from every part of your body, donít you?
Oh yes. OH YES.
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DRAG RACING!
WHY ARE THERE BEDS FALLING REALLY SLOW FROM THE SKY?
OH YES. YESSS OOHHH!
And everyone says Iím the one on drugsÖ
Remember, Madoka, grab ***, turn right, door open!
Oh, my God, that was one time.
THAT WAS ONE TIME!
QUICK. BEHIND THE GIANT DONUT!
Sorry it took so long, Madoka was high as *** soÖ
You know what, when we're done here I am going to throw things at you.
I am going to throw things at you and they will HURT.
AWWWWWW!
Awww, look sheís so cute, I wonder what that thing is doing in the middle of all thi-
OH MY GOD! What are you doing?
WHYYYYYY?
Oh my God, stop beating on the poor thing!
But it is a witch.
Are you serious?
I really hope not, ëcause Mami has clearly let her guard down.
Oh my God, the poor thing, I canít even watch.
GOD, MAMI, THERES NO WAY THATíS THE WITCH!
IS YOUR HEAD NOT SCREWED ON TIGHT ENOUGH OR SOMETHING?
Itís like its just gonna fly off at any moment!
Sayaka, is that really necessary?
Like really, Iím actually genuinely concerned right now because if thatís really a witch
then it canít be that defenseless
and considering how Mami is supposed to be experienced she wouldnít let her guard down
so easi-
Thatís really funny.
Cause you were like 'God Mami, keep your head on!'
And then she like... didnít... keep... her head on.
I mean you warned her and everything.
Oh, yeah, since sheís dead now I kinda need one of you guys to make a contract with me.
Cause... Otherwise we're ***.
ITS OK GUYS KYOKO'S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY EVERYONE CALM YO *** AN-
JESUS CHRIST SON OF A *** MOTHER OF-
Thatís right I just saved all your ***, now bow down!
Oh, well, I guess you're kinda already bowing down. Sweet.
... I guess you two probably didnít see this coming.
Thatís what she gets for the ribbon bondage incident.
Ö Iím sorry, is that too soon?
Whatever, Iím getting cheese fries.
So... wanna get some headcheese?
So... I guess a lot of you guys are wondering why the episodes take a little while to come
out, especially compared to other abridged seriesí.
Episode 2 took a year to come out due to some complications, that wonít happen again, and
well,
this episode took a little while because of episode 2 AND episode 1 getting taken down
- thank you Sony Music Japan -
Anyways, the re-
BOOO!
HeyÖ !
STOP TALKING AND UPLOAD EPISODE 4!
The script for episode 4 isnít even started...
STOP BEING LAZY AND GET EPISODES OUT FASTER!
Hey, thatís not very nice...
GET OFF THE SCREEN!
WeÖ We're not being lazy, Director Chii is just really busy and-
STOP BEING SO LAZY!
YOU GUYS ARE SO SLOW!
SPEED THIS *** UP!
HAY, ALL OF YOU. SHUT UP. SHUT THE *** UP.
YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW WHY THE EPISODES TAKE SO DAMN LONG TO COME OUT? Do you? Do you really
wanna know?
God, woman, stop crying!
Iím sorry! IÖ I justÖ
STOP. CRYING.
First off, I want to know, everyone here whoís complaininí and cryiní about the episodes
taking so damn long to come out
- every single one of you - DO ANY OF YOU GUYS KNOW HOW THIS PROJECT WORKS? Anyone?
Raise your hands, because Kyouko wants to get a headcount.
Do you guys know what I do for this project? Besides being *** glorious and everything.
I open the script, I turn on my microphone, and I talk. Thatís my role.
That is every characterís role. Everyoneís, except Director Chiiís.
Does anyone here know what Director Chii does? Anyone? Donít be shy, just let me know, because
Iím watching for you!
She *** writes that damn script, she *** hunts down all the members for all their ***
lines, she *** edits the whole *** thing by herself,
and does all the *** encoding. All of it.
Does anyone happen to fathom who much time that takes?
And she does all of this while juggling 5 other relatively big projects and working
full time.
Did you know sheís even doing a website for this whole project? Did you?
I bet your whiny little *** didnít, because all you care about is the speed and not the
quality.
STOP IT!
So letís take a look at some of these here messages we received. Iíll answer them on
Director Chiiís behalf.
Okay, here we go!
"Can you guys, like, speed this *** up a little bit? I mean the series ended like April
of 2011.... "
No. We canít.
"Get off your lazy *** and upload episode 3 already."
No. And also, *** you.
I.. I think thats a bit much-
INTERRUPT ME AGAIN AND I WILL FORCEFEED YOU GLASS AND THROW YOU UNDER A BUS, IS THAT WHAT
YOU WANT? NOW SHUT UP!
"Donít forget that Mirai Nikki Abridged started later then your project and now they are at
episode 8."
Well, they probably have a lot more spare time, which I just explained that DIRECTOR
CHII DOES NOT.
I think they get it kyoko-
CRAM IT, WOOBIE.
Basically what Iím trying to say is... leave Director Chii alone.
Yeah. Leave her alone.
Sending her nasty messages about this isnt going to make episodes come out any faster.
Yeah. That.
If we were making money off this stuff, then it'd be a different story.
But we aint, so Director Chii canít exactly dedicate her life to a silly fun project like
this.
Yeah.
So just leave Director Chii alone.
Yeah, leave Goddess Chii alone.
Wait, hold up, when the hell did you get here?
My waifu senses were tingling.
Hey I barely had any lines in this episode, stop hogging my screen time!
But my waifu-
GET OUT!
Soon. Very soon.
What you just said will haunt you.
Whoa what was I talking about.
You forgot that you arenít a part of Angry *** Anonymous anymore and started yelling
at our audience.
Childrenís card games. Were we talking about childrenís card games?
For some reason im thinking of childrenís card games.
Wrong series, Kyoko.
Oh.
I think they get it, you can leave now.
Hell no! I need more screentime, I ainít leaving, ever!
OkayÖ Entertain the audience, then.
Okay sure.
Hey, I got a funny story, lemme tell you -
***-