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(typewriter sounds)
MUSIC (harmonica and distant gunfire)
SOLDIER: Trenches is it? Come with me.
I'll show you a bit of trench life.
This is where we live, us lads.
This is the kinda world we have.
Got old Alf up there on the gun.
Got some nice tasty bits of kit here n'all.
Use these we would, in a trench raid.
First you got your 303
this is the gun what we was laying down such fire at the Battle of Mons with
Jerry thought he was up against machine guns.
Got some other little bits of here kit n'all.
Get yourself one of these if you blokes go into action.
Thats a trench club.
Use it at night, black your face up with burnt cork.
Jerry wont even know whats hit him.
n' it'll hit him alright. (chuckles)
If you don't fancy that though
If close quarter work isn't your cup of tea.
If you want to funk out of it.
Get yourself one of these, bomb No.5 Mills.
Pull the pin, eject the trigger, sling it away, quick as you can.
Personally I use this, 'Elsie' my trench club
its very simple what its for, for smashing fellas heads in with.
Thats what us blokes do here
(club hits floor) thats our life.
This is the trench, hope you like it.
Old Alf up there he's our spotter.
We've got Smith he's our Lewis gunner
the Smith I mind you
and the Smith II he's our Vickers gunner.
See we have to call them Smith I and II
on account of there being two Smiths in the Platoon, gets awfully confusing.
How's it looking Alf?
ALF: Stand to!
OTHERS: Stand to!
SOLDIER: O not again, stand to! (gunfire)
Now at this point the boys is gunna come running out the dugouts
and lay down a pattern of fire.
Follow me!
Lieutenant Hill, he's a good man.
Follow me!
Keep your heads down.
You'll need your shrapnel helmet
its a grizzly business
now the trouble is the Vickers is closing away
we ain't got that much ammunition.
But if you ask me Jerry will be making an attack on a flank.
More ammunition needed on the Vickers!
Germans!
Germans up there.
Draw your bayonets boys its gunna get close quarters.
Come with me, keep your heads down, its a grizzly business like I keep on saying.
(continued gunfire)
Hang on I think we got one of them, come with me
There he is, you can see him close up now.
They're gunna rough him up a bit
get some intelligence off him and hopefully that'll be enough.
Boys bring him down here, lets have a closer look at him!
He's an ugly looking ***
'Kamera my ***' he keeps on saying.
Bring him this way, take him to the Colonel
give him a good seeing over.
Right, come to the next point, they don't like it up them
follow me.
If you ain't got the stomach for it theres always the the trench latrine.
If you ask my opinion its time to get out of this place
far to bleeding dangerous.
follow me.