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Ming: Good afternoon, my friends. My name is Ming, and I'm the _____ fellow
of Google. I'm just delighted today to have my friend
here, Dr. Sylvia Lafair. Sylvia is the president of Creative Energy
Options, a global consulting company, focused on optimizing workplace relationships.
Sylvia is also the author of this book, "Don't Bring It To Work: Breaking the family patterns
that limit success," which takes a fascinating look at how our relationships at home make
us who we are at work and how to identify and work with these family patterns.
She will be exploring this topic with us in the next hour.
And personally, I hope her next book will be, "Don't Bring This Accent to Work.”
But that will be next year. Sylvia's articles have been published in the
Business Week, the Wall Street Journal Online, and Time.com.
And, in person, I just find Sylvia to be a delightful bundle of positive, loving energy,
and that's who she is. And it's just a delight to be in her presence.
And, my friends, let's welcome Dr. Sylvia Lafair.
>> [Clapping]
Sylvia Lafair: I'll use this, and thank you. And the compliment is sent back.
He's an amazing guy, and I'm sure most of you know that.
So it's just a delight to be here with all of you.
And what we're going to do is start with something. Now, I'm going to give you an idea of what
I would like. And then, you can decide what you want to
do, okay? So take a minute.
In a minute, I'm going to ask you to come up to get something.
You don't know what it is, but I'm going to offer you something.
So think about it. Is it worth it to come up front, or do you
like to stay in your seat? So. Okay.
On the count of three -- and the first person up here is going to get a surprise.
Who? I'm not telling what it is. No, not you.
[laughter] And not you.
Okay. First one up here. Perfect. All right.
So what's your name?
Noel: Noel.
Sylvia Lafair: Noel. All right. So, before I give you a surprise -- and I
hope you'll like it -- tell me, what was it that made you be able to get up in front of
the group and just come up here?
Noel: The last time someone asked for volunteers, I didn't get up and lost out on something
nice.
Sylvia Lafair: Uh-huh. Okay. So we're learning about patterns.
I don't know how far this is going to go. So. What you're going to get is a copy of
my book, and I'll sign it after, okay? I hope you like it. Okay.
So I just want you to think about getting up, walking up in front of the room, not knowing
why. And we're going to be talking about patterns.
Patterns are things that repeat and repeat. And the interesting things about patterns
is the only constant in these happens to be us, okay?
So some people are -- and I loved what you just said Noel -- he missed out last time,
so he decided to do it differently this time. Some people will sit toward the back of the
room, and some sit toward the front of the room.
And if you'll notice, there's a pattern almost everywhere that -- other than Ming right now
-- the front row is almost always empty, which I think is kind of interesting.
I think we learned that when we went to school. You know, better to sort of hold back a little,
because you didn't want to get too much attention. C'mon in gentlemen.
And what we're going to do now is look at how these patterns that are so deeply embedded
in our nervous systems play out at work. So first I'd like to just say a little bit
about how I got into doing what I'm doing now.
And second time you're going to hear this story, but sorry.
My husband who's here with me -- Herb -- and I started a personal development center
years ago. And you can tell by his gray hair that it's
years ago. Anyway, what happened was that one day a gentleman
who had been in one of our programs -- we did a lot of work with families -- said, "Will
you come work with senior management?” And I said, "Why?”
And he said, "They're fighting.” And I said, "So what?" And he said, "But,
get it, Sylvia. You work with families.
They have to get along; we have to get along. Make sense?”
So we did a lot of thinking about it, and said, "Okay.
There are shared interests through genetics: The family.
Better families get along than not. There are shared interests through economics,
the workplace. And so better if people at work get along.
We can be more innovative, more creative, there's less tension, there's more fun.”
So we decided to go in and work with his senior team, and -- miracles of miracles, or I wouldn't
be standing here today -- things did get better. So we began to research the place that is,
I think, the most exciting place -- and you folks are in obviously one of the most innovative
places up here at Google where you have to begin to have to think out of the box, think
new thoughts, think innovation, think that there are different ways to do things.
We began to go touch-and-go to find out what the criteria is and what to bring to work
and what not to bring to work. So here we go.
You see this picture? Everybody has a variation on that picture
somewhere. Somewhere for each of us, there's a picture
of a family. And what's interesting is, when you look at
the office -- and you're not at a dinner table -- you're at an office meeting table, the
same behaviors apply. The original organization we all joined was
the family. Whether you liked it or not, you signed on.
And what happens is, what we learned in that family is what we bring into the workplace.
It's where we learned about fairness. It's where we learned about being the star
or the one who, you know, everybody picks on.
It's where we learned about honesty and integrity. And it's a very interesting thing when we
take what we learn there and bring it into the workplace.
So what we're going to do is look at some of the patterns.
Now, what we've done is, we have pulled together 13 patterns that we see that are very available
in families and are also very prevalent in the workplace.
There are more. You can have more than one.
We're usually a combination of three and four. There's usually one or two that seem to signify
us. And when people talk about things, you'll
know that usually we can see them on others before we see it on themselves.
We're going to look at how to diminish conflict. You can't ever get away from conflict.
Conflict is just the name of life, but we can diminish it.
And what we can do once we learn some of these rules is, we can shorten the time that we
have to be upset with each other, and we can do better with the depth of the upset that
we have to have with each other. So that's what we're going to do.
And then, we're going to look at systems -- relationships.
We are individuals and we're also part of a system.
And we're always part of a system somewhere or another.
So we have to look at both aspects of that. Okay. So, patterns.
Rather than ask, I'm going to give you the answer right now.
There are things that repeat over and over. And I'd like to give you a few really quick
take-aways from this. One of the big take-aways is, as you listen
to yourself and listen to others and you hear the words, 'Always' or 'Never', know that
you've entered the land of patterns. We had a gal who years ago worked with us.
And when she was interviewed -- she was going to report directly to me -- she said, "I never
get along with male bosses.” And I thought, "Okay. I hear that.”
She was going to be reporting to me. Later, she reported to one of the other men
in our company, and guess what? She was right.
She finally self-selected out. But she never got along with male bosses.
So you begin to say, "Where do we get all these 'Always' and 'Never' from?”
They start from when we're very little. And we have what we call "Self-fulfilling
Prophecies" that we begin to work with. So patterns, where do they begin? They begin
in the family, they begin in our culture, and they come out of crises.
And what happens is, when we begin to search in a personal-growth kind of way in coaching
-- and this kind of stuff in the workplace is very valid.
These are valid questions to ask "How did I get to be who I am?
What is it that is keeping me from ultimate success?
Or, What is it that I'm doing that really is helping others?" And those are the kinds
of questions that you want to ask yourselves. You want to look at your teammates and maybe
have dialogues with them around it. So we're going to look at family for a minute.
As I said, it's the original organization into which you were born.
A lot of the things you do become came from there, not good or bad -- passed down through
the generations. And it's also part of your genetic memory.
And I want to give you an example of genetic memory.
Who here grew up in the middle of the country, in the US, away from water? Anybody?
Where? Ohio. How far were you from the ocean?
>> A long way.
Sylvia Lafair: A long way. So you couldn't get up in the morning and
say, "We're going to go to the beach just for the afternoon and come back.”
Somebody else, I saw.
>> Colorado River.
Sylvia Lafair: Okay. So now, think about this. If you're a kid, and your family is saying,
"We're going to go take a trip, and we're going to see the ocean." Different here.
You can get there pretty quickly. The ocean's a big deal.
Now, it's a big piece of water -- big, exciting place.
So it's really talked up, and you get to wherever you're going to go -- California beach, Florida
beach -- and everybody's excited, and they're telling you -- you're two, three years old
– "Oh, the ocean's big. It's beautiful. There
are waves. There's sand.” You get there and it's a rainy day and you
can't go on the beach. It's a bummer.
And your parents are saying -- or whoever you go with, caretakers -- "Oh, this is terrible.
It's not fair.” You have to go back to the motel room.
And you're sitting there kind of watching the same cartoons you've seen.
And you're very frustrated. That's a memory that goes into your nervous
system. It's called a 'mem.'
What happens is, fast forward 20 years later, and you're going to the beach.
You maybe have moved from Colorado or Ohio and you're going to the beach and it's a really
pretty day. The problem is, inside you're feeling sad
or depressed. Well, instead of Prozac, go back and think
about, "Where did this begin?” Sometimes you're going to find the answers;
sometimes you're not. So just asking the question is the good place
to start. But what happens is, these are the kinds of
things that go into our genetic memory. And once we can scoot back -- and there are
lots of ways to do it. And there are lots of quizzes you can do that
you can find answers to. So you begin to look at that.
So now we're going to look at culture patterns. And culture patterns are on many levels.
One is the area of the country or the world in which you grew up.
There are cultural norms that are there. It's also the time in which you grew up.
And they will, in many ways, determine how you see, think, be, about what you're watching.
I was just at a meeting in Philadelphia from the Governor's Conference for Women, and one
of the gals was interesting. She was saying, "Remember when we used to
talk about the 'glass ceiling' and the 'old boy's club'?”
She said, "If you notice, we're breaking that model now.
And people aren't talking about it the way they used to.”
That's a culture change. But these patterns are embedded in us.
The other is about 'inclusion' and 'exclusion.' So there's some really deep thinking you can
do about Where and How these patterns started. And what we call these 'patterns' -- the cultural
patterns -- are what they become not. As in "am not," "cannot," "should not," "will
not," or "not like me.” And they get played out in the workplace.
And we're going to talk about that in more detail in a minute.
Crises patterns we call "Split-second hardening of the emotions.”
So, who here remembers where they were on September 11th, 2001?
As I'm saying that, can you get a memory of what it felt like?
Yeah. I'll bet everybody in here, there's a sense of inhaling, of hard-to-breathe.
And our retreat center is just a couple of hours from New York, and I remember that afternoon
saying, "I have to go help.” You couldn't get out, couldn't get into New
York, even if I wanted to, but there was a sense in me of saying, "I can't just sit here
with watching what's going on. I have to help.”
But I couldn't help. Excuse me? Yeah.
And we had just started one of our Leadership Programs, and the group couldn't get in.
We had a refrigerator filled with food. And nobody could get in.
We couldn't get out. But what happened that was so powerful is,
it locked in for me a memory that was how I started to put this together with the workplace.
My father died very suddenly of a heart attack when I was 14.
And on a Saturday night, my parents had gone out to the movies and Sunday, we were planning
a funeral. And it was pretty shocking.
Now, I did a lot of personal work around this, but fast forward 20 years.
And we had an assistant who was wonderful. We loved her; name was Lisa.
One day she walked into the office with a big grin on her face, and she said, "Could
I see you?” And she came into the office.
I didn't like the grin. It was too big. It was too happy.
I knew there was something there, and I wasn't sure.
And, you know, we said, "What is it?” She said, "Well, do you remember I said if
-- when my check from the IRS comes back -- if I got a certain amount of money, I
was going to go back to school?” And I said, "Yes?”
"So I got even more than that, and I'm going to go back to school.
So I just want to tell you, I can stay for another month.”
And I have to tell you. This is when I began to see how this plays
out at work. In a very mature way as a leader of a company,
I burst into tears and said, "You can't do that.”
And it was fascinating. And my husband was with me since we work together.
And he said, "Sylvia, how can you stop somebody from going back to school?”
But I was in another place. So we asked Lisa to leave, and he said to
me, "You know, I know Lisa's great. But, you know, there's something else going
on here?” And we sat for awhile, and I was able to track
back that, when my father died, I mean, nobody asked me.
It was sudden. It was hardening of the emotions.
And here was Lisa saying to me, "I'm leaving. I'm not asking your permission.
I want you to be happy.” It was certainly a much more joyful way to
be than it would have been the other way. But what happened was, I began to understand
that we do bring our families to work with us.
We bring everything that happened to us before we came into the workplace in this space.
And as I saw that connection, we started to connect more and more dots that came with
this. Now the good news here was, we called Lisa
back. I apologized.
I told her, you know, that I was really upset about something that had nothing to do with
her. And for me, one of the things that was very
positive and healing was that I was able to say, "I would like to be the head of the committee
for your farewell party.” So it was different than what happened when
I was a kid. So, we planned a really fun party.
And Lisa went off, and she has remained a friend of ours all these years.
Those are the dots you begin to connect. So it's family, culture, crises.
We all have aspects of all of that for each of us.
And we have to look at what's going on there. So Albert Einstein had a great definition
of insanity. I'm sure many of you know this one.
"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.”
Is that familiar? Do we all do it?
Am I seeing heads shaking in here? Yeah. So what we're teaching is the way out.
And "OUT" stands for "Observing, Understanding, and then Transforming.”
And you need to put some elbow grease in this. This is not an easy thing to do, but it is
doable. Okay, the way OUT, as I said.
It's those moments that you have where you go, "Aha, I never thought of it that way before.
Now, I see another way. Okay, I'm going to look more deeply." And
we have lots of questions on our website. You can take a pattern quiz to find out what
your basic patterns are. And you can even call the office, and they'll
go over the results with you. So you can get a sense of where this is locked
in you and what to do about it. So I'd like to look at each of us.
We all were given a deck of cards. And think about it, you know, the deck of
cards that Billy Joel's kids were given are different than the deck of cards that Billy,
the kids -- and I hear he had a lot of kids -- his kids were given.
And we all really have to look at "What is our deck of cards?”
It's not good or bad. It's just the deck of cards that we were given.
And in that deck of cards, there are all kinds of patterns that show up.
So some of the patterns -- and I just would like to go over this quickly with you is
-- the "Clown.” Now, I'm not going to ask you to raise your
hand if you see yourself as a clown. But, anybody know a clown? Somebody at work?
Okay. I see one hand going up over there.
How do you know that that person is a clown? What do they do or show?
>> The way they interact they make everything a joke of.
Sylvia Lafair: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll see a lot of these patterns playing
out in meetings, okay? Because we've all taken on roles in our families
and we usually have those roles that come out in the workplace.
So the clown is somebody, you're in a meeting, it's kind of tense, and somebody will make
a joke. And what happens is, it deflects things.
You stop thinking about what was going on for the minute, and you go back to either
laughing at the joke or rolling your eyes thinking, "Gosh, that was really a dumb joke.”
Now, what happens is often, those who are in the "clown" category grew up in families
where they were there to help make jokes to lighten up the load in the family.
It's interesting. Jim Carrey was being interviewed on Larry
King Live one night, and Larry King said to him, "Were you always funny?”
And he said, "You know, Larry? I learned how to be funny as a kid, because
I had a mother who was ill all the time. So I would come home from school and I would
put shows on for her and I would do dances. I would do anything to make her laugh.”
And he said, "It just carried on into my life.” Now, what happens a lot with clowns is, if
they can begin to understand what they're doing, they can turn into humorists.
The difference between a clown and a humorist is timing.
Humorists will put the joke in at the moment when it has an effect that's really positive.
Clowns will do something so they can deflect the tension from people.
And you know, you have an officemate who's a clown who may remind you of your dad who
was a clown or a brother who was a clown. So somewhere, there's a connection that goes
one way or the other. The Avoider.
Anybody here know an avoider? They're the "Gotta Go" guy or gal?
They're the ones in meetings, when it gets tense, who will look at their watch and say,
"Oops. I have a meeting. I have to call India.” And you say, "Well, it's two o'clock in the
morning there.” And they say, "Oh well, they'll be up anyway.”
They'll do anything to get out of the meeting, because they want to get away from the tension.
And sometimes, we have sisters who were the kind who avoided everything.
Or a mother or a father or a brother. It doesn't matter, but somewhere -- and often
there was in those families a lot of tension that developed when they were kids.
And they learned, "Conflicts don't get handled, so you got to go.”
And it can be a difficult time for that. Victims. We all know those who are saying,
"It's always my fault. Why me? I did it. You know, I'm going to get
in trouble. I'm the one. I'm the one. I'm the one."
And sometimes it reminds you of, you know, you're officemate.
And then you can look back, and maybe it's an aunt in your family who was always playing
the victim. But these are the kinds of things in every
deck of cards. Here's the good news/bad news.
We are some of these patterns, A. B, all the people around us are other patterns.
So what we want to learn is how to understand these patterns and how to transform them.
Now, what I'd like to do is, talk about today and the economy we're living in.
And here's basically what happens. When stress -- this is really the key right
here -- when stress hits the hot button, we're all prone to go back to these patterns that
we learned as kids. And so, if you walk around and say about one
of your officemates, "He or she is acting like a baby," you're right.
It's not good or bad; it's a natural tendency. Anxiety and stress kick in and will make us
go to these places. Does that make sense?
I see some heads shaking. Yeah? Make sense? Okay.
So we have to learn how to get out of it. Now, here's what I see happening today in
this economy. We call it the "FDIC.”
It's kind of an insurance policy if you begin to look at this.
It can help you learn about yourself and about others that you're talking about.
First of all, there's a concept called "Flooding.” And 'flooding' means, saying the same thing
over and over, getting louder and louder, thinking the louder you are, the more they'll
hear you. Doesn't work.
But that's what we do when we flood. Until the volume is so strong and the emotion
is so strong, everybody wants to get away from you.
And I have to admit, that's my pattern. That's my pattern; I must admit it.
And what happens is, those who have that kind of pattern are usually the superachievers,
the ones who have to be tops, best, and if they can't be, the anxiety gets to be too
much, and they get upset. The "Persecutor" is the one who's poking a
finger and saying, "you, you, you," and they get louder and louder as they're doing it.
And the "Drama Queen" or "King.” And what I'd like you to know is, gentlemen,
there are as many drama kings as there are drama queens.
I happen to be in that venue, and so when I get upset, I've learned how to stop it quicker.
Remember, you're not going to ever not have conflict.
But you're also going to be able to take a deep breath and say, "It doesn't have to go
as long, and it doesn't have to be as deep.” So there you go.
Drama Queen, Drama King. Stamp your feet.
Get louder and louder. Superachiever, same thing.
Get louder and louder to get your point across. Persecutor. Get louder and louder.
The next one is "Deflecting.” And deflecting is very different.
Deflecting is like the clown we talked about. And you'll be in a meeting and it's tense.
And somebody will say, "See that bird that just flew by the window?”
And everybody's head turns toward the bird, right?
But it doesn't help make things change. It just means that we're all looking at the
bird. So deflectors block conversations.
They prevent conflict from coming to completion, and when we're in there, they'll keep saying,
"Oh, there's the bird. The bird's on the tree.
Oh, the bird moved over there.” And you're going, "Who cares?!" But that's
what you're watching. And the patterns that do that often are The
Rebel. And there are also positives about some of
these. But often the rebel is the one who's saying,
"It's not working. It's not working.” And they often go into HR very quickly.
Or they say, "I have a lawyer. And my lawyer said," and everybody gets kind
of nervous. The Clown, as we talked about.
The Procrastinator, who's always saying, "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.”
That's deflecting. Now, we all have a primary way of doing this.
It's not good or not bad. We need to know what it is.
And again, if you can take the quiz and find out, you're in a better place for that.
"Indulging" is a little bit different. It's sort of like that addictive quality of
wallowing in the details. And a perfect example was a gal who -- we
were in a meeting -- and she brought in a brochure, and she said -- she had three different
brochures. She said, "Which color green do you like better?”
Everybody said, "It's the same green," "No, no, no. This green's different than this
has more yellow that has more blue. Which green do you like better?”
And it was again, "Who cares?! Just get the work done.”
But in indulging, you keep saying the same things over and over again.
And you want to keep going deeper and engaging people in the conversation.
And you end up holding people captive. So Indulgers are the ones who are Pleasers,
and they say "Yes" to everything. And the Martyrs who come in early, leave late.
You know, they usually want something from you.
It's either your first born child or your new car, but you know, they're there wanting
things from you. The Rescuer, who will jump in and save.
And the Victim is an Indulger, "Poor me. Poor me. Poor me.”
The fourth -- and the final part of these four that we all do when we're really under
stress -- is, compartmentalize. And that is we only see one aspect of what's
going on. And there was a group we were working with,
and they had a project that had to be done. And they said, "We'll be here till midnight,
and that's okay.” And about four o'clock, one of the guys said,
"All right, I'm going.” And they said, "Where?”
And he said, "To the gym. I'm out of here.” They said, "Well, wait a minute.
You've got to get this done.” And "No, no, no. I'm going, I'm going.”
And he couldn't see that he really needed to be there to finish.
So what happens is, they get tidbits of information and then they have to leave.
It's too much. They can't see the whole thing.
So the Avoider, "Got to go" guy. The Denier, "What problem?”
And the Splitter, who says "Well, you know, this guy tells me one thing and I'll believe
that. And this other guy tells me something else
and I'll believe that.” And you never get anything fully completed.
So what happens is, in all these patterns, they begin to talk to each other.
So I'm going to give you a few quick clues. If you're with a Superachiever, and you know
them, you know who they are, "Me, me, me. I'm the first one.”
The best way to talk with them is to say something like, "I know you're really good at what you
do.” They won't hear you unless they're acknowledged.
"I know you're really good at what you do.” So that's where you start.
The next thing is "So and so, Nancy, needs some help with this.
And I'll bet that you can help her with it.” Now, Superachievers don't like to help anybody
else. They like to do it themselves and they like
to get the awards and they like to be recognized. But if you begin to cross this bridge into
the helping area. That's what -- one of the things we were talking
about at lunch was moving toward altruism and helpfulness, you know, and compassion.
We can move in that direction. We can help each other with this.
So first, make sure you tell them that, yes, by goodness, you know, they're really good.
And then say, "With all your good skills, here's how you can help.”
And that really is a shape-shifter. With an Avoider, who becomes an Initiator
is to say, "If you can stay here with me and help us through this" -- and these words often
work -- "it would mean a lot.” Just those words, "it would mean a lot," usually
get an avoider to stand still. And that's what we have to do.
So we begin to look at all these patterns and how they talk to each other.
And then, begin to look at the way to observe, to understand, and to transform.
So here's what I'd like you to do right now is, just on your right hand, I'm going to
go through some of the patterns. And if that's you, just put a little pressure
on that hand, okay? And on your left hand, if it's somebody you
know, okay? I'm just curious to see what you come up with.
So Superachiever. Are you one? You're not going to have to stand up and say,
"Hello, my name is, and I'm a superachiever.” I promise you that.
But you're just going to get an idea of where you fit in this.
So Superachiever, "Me, me, me. I'm the first. I'm the best.”
Okay? Do you know one, or are you one? Next, is the Pleaser.
And the Pleaser only knows the word 'Yes.' 'No' is a very hard word for them to say.
They don't mean 'yes' all the time, but that's how they say it, because 'no' would be to
hurt or disapoint somebody, and that's too big a risk.
So hand, are you a Pleaser, or do you know a Pleaser?
Okay? Another one that I mentioned was a Denier. That's somebody who never sees a problem.
We had a big thing here -- and I don't want to go into politics -- but a year ago right
around now, there were a lot of people saying, "What problem with the economy?
There's no problem with the economy.” We had a lot of people doing that when there
was a problem. Deniers are going, "Everything's fine." They
can see people grimacing, but they'll still say, "There's no problem here.”
Do you know a Denier, or are you a Denier, okay?
Two more. Another one would be the Martyr.
The one who says, "I'm always doing everything for everybody.”
Do you do that, or do you know somebody who does that, okay?
One more would be the Procrastinator. That's the person who says, "It'll be done
tomorrow. I promise it'll be done.”
And then, tomorrow comes and they say, "Well, I need another day." Procrastinator.
Do you know one, or are you one? So on the hand -- the left hand -- which was you, how
many people had more than three? Let me see your hands up in the air.
That you saw yourself in any of these. Oh, yourself was your right hand; I'm sorry.
How many saw themselves in any of these patterns? Okay. How many saw a lot of other people with
the left hand? Uh-huh. And some of you didn't see the patterns
at all is what I'm getting. Okay. How many of you didn't see the patterns
on yourself or anybody else? We're just not getting hands up with that.
Okay. All right. One of the things that is really good to do
is to begin to notice when you're in the different situations how you're saying 'always' and
'never.' How you're saying, "This is the way that person is." and how annoyed that gets
you. And how you say, "Oh, this is me, you know,
I have that tendency.” So those are the things I'd like you to take
with you and look at. And here's the good news: The patterns can
be transformed, okay? So the Superachiever, once they get it, becomes
a creative collaborator. And one of the pharmaceutical groups we worked
with -- there was a brilliant scientist. She had a team, and everybody on her team
was 'stupid'. Everybody was, I mean, "stupid, stupid, stupid.”
And I said to her one day, "When is it going to be my turn to be 'stupid'?”
And she said, "No, no, that won't happen.” And I said, "Till I say something you don't
like, and then I'll go in the 'stupid' category.” She finally was able to understand that her
need to be first was bigger than it was to work with the team.
And once she began to understand that, change came, and she had a team that could work together.
But she had to begin to say to them, "Look, I don't want to be this way anymore and I
need some help with it.” She did it through some coaching, and she
did it by having some honest conversations with her team.
The Rebel -- rather than having the same "I have a lawyer" -- becomes a community builder,
and says, "Wait a minute. There has to be a better way to do this, and
let's all work together to get it done.” The Procrastinator becomes a Realizer.
And that means somebody who gets the work done, who makes the work happen.
The Clown, as I said, becomes a Humorist. And that's -- Mark Twain kind of had the market
on that. It's being able to say something in the right
time that will get a laugh, but not something that deflects everything.
The Persecutor, who's always pointing their finger, "You, you, you," can point it up and
become a visionary and say, "We can work together and find a better way.”
The Persecutor is always looking at a Victim. And the Victim, instead of saying, "Me, me,
me. Blah, blah, blah." is saying, "I'm going to
find a new way," and they become explorers. The Rescuer, who's always jumping in to save
the Victim, becomes a mentor. And the Mentor asks questions, rather than
simply says, "I'll take care of it for you, and I'll help you with it.”
The Drama Queen or King becomes a good storyteller. And that's where I learned how to take some
of my drama -- what happened, and how I understood this is one day, in the morning, I was stamping
my foot and somebody said, "Man, that's enough drama for a week.”
And I thought, "Well that's just what they have to say.”
And later that day, I was with my team, and they said, "A little too much drama.”
And then, later that day, one of my daughters and I were talking, and she said, "You know,
mom. Too much drama. I think I'll talk to you another day.”
And I went, "Woe, the only constant in there is me." And that's how these patterns started
to develop and how we began to work with them. The Martyr becomes an Integrator, and instead
of saying, "I'll carry that very heavy rock up that very steep hill alone," the Martyr
begins to say, "Okay, you do that. You do that. You do that, and we'll all get it up
together.” The Pleaser learns how to become a Truth Teller.
The Pleaser -- we were in a meeting, and it was very interesting.
The owner of this company wanted to buy another business.
He had a thing about buying businesses. And he would always turn to his general manager,
and say, "Take care of it." And we were together with him in a senior meeting.
And he said, "Oh, I just thought of another business to buy," and it got really quiet.
And he said, "What do you think?” And it got even quieter.
And finally, she turned to him, and she said, "You know, my tendency is to be a Pleaser,
and I can't do it anymore. And if you want to buy the business, that's
up to you. But the problem here is, I won't be able to
participate. It's too much. It's going to be too much on me and too much
on the team." Well, needless to say, it was very, very quiet
in that room. Very quiet for a long time.
It was probably sixty seconds, but it felt like about two years.
And then, the owner of the company said, "You've never said that before.”
And she said, "I'm just now learning how to say the word 'no,' where it's appropriate.”
What happened is, she became a bit of a hero for the group.
And it wasn't a mutiny against the boss. She and the boss had a discussion, and she
said, "Everybody's afraid to say to you, This isn't working.
And I'm not willing to do it anymore. My health is at stake.
The team's health is at stake. We're not going to do it.”
And she had a practice -- the word N-O, 'no,' is a hard one for pleasers to say -- but she
became a Truth Teller, and you could see it in her life.
And six months later, the company was at a whole new place.
They did not buy -- he did not buy that business by the way, and it was probably one of the
best decisions that he made. And, you know, he was able to acknowledge
her in a team meeting later. It was a pretty powerful kind of thing.
The Avoider becomes the Initiator, who says, "No, instead of me running from the conflict,
I'm going to sit here and make sure we talk about it.”
The Denier becomes a Trust Builder by saying, "There is a problem and we have to face it
and we're going to dig down and find solutions.” And the Splitter, who goes from one to the
other, becomes a Peace Maker saying, "Listen. We have to stop all the office politics and
the gossip and talk together and work together and be together.”
And so, in between where it says the pattern and the transformation, there's a lot of elbow
grease. That's where the work is.
That's what I call 'strength-training.' I believe it's really important for everybody
in business to understand these and to make a commitment -- not to change the other person
out there, because it's not possible -- but to change ourselves.
Because in changing ourselves, what we do is, we begin to process of making a shift
for the whole team and for ourselves. And yeah, my husband Herb just wanted me to
remind you that one of the things we teach is that "Work is not a Rehab Facility.”
So if there are places where there isn't a capacity to breakthrough, that's okay too.
Sometimes people have to self-select out or be offered the way out to find out in another
situation what they're going to do. These are what we call pattern-aware leaders.
These are people who have looked inside and have made changes for themselves and, in doing
that, others have changed. So Martin Luther King has been an incredible
community builder. Nelson Mandela, an integrator.
Abraham Lincoln -- and if you haven't read, "Team of Rivals," even though it's a very
thick book. It's an incredible book of the brilliance
of becoming a community builder. Eleanor Roosevelt was an integrator.
She -- at a time that women in the culture of the times didn't have a lot of say --
said, "Wait a minute. I will stand up and say what needs to be said and not just have
tea parties.” And the Dalai Lama is obviously an incredible
peace maker. So that's kind of the grand scheme overview.
And I'd love to open this up to questions, comments.
I know I've thrown a lot at you in a short time, but I really wanted to get across the
idea that, "These are in us, and if we can transform them, we can move to next levels
of really positiveness in our work and who we are.”
So thank you so much, and Any questions anybody has? Thank you.
>> [Clapping]
Q So I'm wondering if there are any patterns and themes in how people can recognize their
own patterns when they're operating. I know sometimes it's just so default for
us, but maybe there are some tips or recommendations you have there? Sylvia: What you can do --
we, in our leadership program, we ask people to do this -- is to, at the end of each day,
jot down places where you were really annoyed, where somebody really bothered you.
Now, it always start with "out there.” Which is okay.
But if you do that, and keep this for a couple of weeks, you'll begin to see the dots connecting.
You know, it's interesting. Did you ever sit in a meeting, and two people
could say, "Tomorrow's Tuesday.” And the first person who says it, you go,
"Okay, tomorrow's Tuesday.” The second person who says it, you go, "Can't
they ever just keep their mouth shut?” So you begin to say, "What is it about that
person or that moment that bothered me, and it didn't in the other one?”
But if you begin to jot this thing down -- jot these down.
Your task is to connect the dots. They're connectible.
We've done this now for 20 years, and thus, the book has come out.
And you can really begin to see how the same situation or the same person on different
days really starts to get you. The other thing is really trust your gut.
We have an internal mechanism in our solar plexus right around here that, you know, you
can call it the B S Detector. We think it's in here, but it's really down
here. And if you're in a situation that really starts
to bother you, bother you, bother you, and you feel that tightening in you, just jot
it down. You don't have to write long dissertations.
A couple of sentences. And do it for a month.
And I promise you, you'll begin to see your own patterns showing up.
What we've also found is, in teams, when people begin to understand this, they can help each
other. You know, and it's not finger-pointing, saying,
"Oh, you are a --" We're not meant to emblazon these patterns on our foreheads.
We're not the patterns. It is just a part of who we are.
So did that help? Go ahead.
Q As you were talking, also when we think -- I don't know if you've read any of Debbie
Ford's work -- about sort of shadow processes of the personality.
And one thing she recommends is looking for where that lives in you.
So really identifying How do I show up as an Avoider?
Or, How do I show up as a Denier? as a way in.
Sylvia Lafair: That's good and Debbie Ford's work is really good.
One of the things you can look -- you can call this the "shadow side" if you want --
these patterns. And the transformed -- or what we call the
"healthy opposites.” And once you begin to look at that, what I
have found is people usually do better if they're looking out there first, because it's
just our human nature. And then, bring it inside and say, "Wait a
minute. If so and so is really bothering me day after
day after day, what part am I playing in this?” And then start to turn it.
So that was a really good question. Anybody else?
Questions?
>> [inaudible]
Sylvia Lafair: Excellent. Yeah. It's called -- I'm going to repeat it, but
it's called "The Battle of the Patterns.” And sometimes the patterns we have are very
intense -- and they do -- one other person will just drive us absolutely up the wall.
Here's a part. You can take it offline, the question is Do
you have to do it in front of the whole team? Or, Can you take it offline and work with
it? Is that one of the questions you're asking?
>> [inaudible]
Sylvia Lafair: Yeah. Oh sure. Well then, let me put it this way.
There's always resolution. It may not be in the time frame you like,
but there always -- it could take longer. I'll give you an example.
As a Drama Queen -- and I'm married to an Avoider -- I mean, some of the stuff we've
done would be Comedy Central. You know, I'm going, "Ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba
ba.” And my husband's going, "Got to go.”
And we work together. So there you go.
And he'd be going out the door, and I'm following him saying, "You can't leave.”
And he's going, "That drama is too much.” So what happened is, one of the things he
learned -- we won't talk about me at the moment -- was to be an initiator.
And what happened is, he would then say, "We're in the middle of this.
We're going to sit down and talk about it.” And I'm there with my mouth open going, "No,
you're supposed to leave. We can't talk about this.
Then I can't do my Drama Queen.” What happens is, one person has to make the
decision to make the change. Now, the change is internal. It is ours.
It's what we're talking about. It's what Dan Goleman talks about when he
talks about emotional intelligence. Ultimately the change is ours to make.
It is also possible to make it together. So I believe people do need to go offline
who are driving each other crazy and talk about it.
The way it stops is, whoever the first one is to own the pattern -- literally own it
-- we do a process called 'Pep Talk,' which stands for "Pattern and Counterprocess," where
it's almost like a big sumo wrestler in the sky, and you have to tackle this thing to
the ground. Two people together can make agreements on
how they're going to behave differently in the next meeting, and the next meeting you
see changes that are incredible. Often you'll need a facilitator to help if
it gets to be too much. But once you begin -- as I talked about this
gal who said, as a Pleaser, she was turning into a Truth Teller -- it changed the whole
context of the team, because other people then were able to speak up and say what they
need to. What I'm suggesting is that the ultimate thing
we need to be doing now is learning how to tell the truth and have the courage to stand
with it and not be afraid. And as we do that, other people become very
-- it's very appealing. And so what happens at that point is the dialogue
begins, and it's different. So, does that help? Anybody else?
Questions? Comments? Thoughts? [pause]
I know you have a question. [laughter]
Find one.
Q I have so many questions. I'll just ask the one that comes to my mind
immediately which is You did this work as a family therapist before corporate therapist
of some sort. I'm wondering what the differences are like,
between 'at home' and 'at work' that we can learn from.
Sylvia Lafair: That's very good. It began working with families.
I will tell you, I find working in the business world faster, more effective, than I ever
did with families, which is -- it was a surprise to me too.
Because I was used to usually dissatisfied spouses dragging in their partner who would
sit there going, "How long 'til I get out of here?"
Whereas, at work, there is this yearning to be the best, do the best, find a way to what's
next, and I have found people listen more quickly.
And it's a little safer to have a discussion with a colleague who's upset than with your
husband or wife who's upset. And what happens there is, it gets translated
back home. We've had a lot of people -- spouses, partners
-- call up and say, "Thank you." And I'd say, "For what?”
And they'd say, "I don't know what you're doing, but so and so is really asking better
questions, being nicer.” The biggest thing in this is learning how
to ask the questions that will forward the dialogue.
But I have found in the workplace it moves much more quickly.
And when people on teams are beginning to see really, really, good successes, and people
are working together in a more effective manner without, you know, sitting in meetings.
And if you're not rolling your eyes in meetings, sometimes internally you're rolling your eyes
in meetings, you know. We all do that.
And we have a little video -- we didn't bring for this, because it's too short a presentation
-- of what goes on in meetings that are not seen.
And we showed this, and somebody said -- I said -- "This is what a meeting really looks
like.” And people were throwing spit balls at each
other, combing their hair and on their cell phones and complaining.
And I said, "Is this really a meeting?” And we had taken a group that we worked with
for a long time, and we said, "Play out what you think is going on internally.”
And it's pretty funny when you see it, because you can be sitting in the room behaving very
properly, but your mind isn't there. Now, I'll give you one that was very powerful,
and it changed this guy's personal life as well as his business life.
We were doing best practices, and he stood up.
We were sitting at a big table, and there were about 20 people and he stood up and he
started going on and on about how wonderful he was and all these great successes he had
had. And I looked around the room.
Nobody was there. I mean people were out shopping in their minds,
you know. Somebody was saying, "I have to call and see
how the kids are doing." Somebody else was figuring out some equation that they were
working on in their mind. And finally, I stopped it.
I happened to be running the meeting, and I said to him -- and I'm offering this to
you. It's a pretty powerful sentence.
All I said to him is, "What is your intention?” Trust me. Everybody came back in the room
at that moment. They stopped buying their cars outside.
They stopped going to the market. The room -- all eyes were on this guy.
His name was Jerry. It was very quiet.
I didn't know what he was going to say. And finally, he looked around the room, and
he said, "I apologize." He said, "I was grandstanding.
And my intention was to just show you how really good I am.
And it went to overkill.” So I did what good facilitators do.
I took a break. And I watched when we took the break how many
people made a beeline to pat him on the back or shake his hand or thank him, because he
did what? He told the truth.
And when we came back after the break, we didn't spend time going into "What did you
think of what happened?” It wasn't appropriate or necessary.
We went on to "What's next?” The rest of that afternoon they were kick-***
in terms of coming up with new, creative ideas, because there was something so enlivening
about the fact that, in a few seconds, he told the truth, owned his pattern.
You know, he didn't stand there and say, "I'm a Superachiever.”
He said, " I was grandstanding.” You don't have to use the names of these patterns
as much. You just have to begin to be conscious of
it. And he became a bit of a hero for the rest
of that year. People were going to him and really asking
him about how he was doing what he was doing once he was able to own it.
So then he took that home. And what happened was, his wife called and
said, "I don't hear him talking, 'me me me' and 'How great I am' anymore, you know.
He's become more of a collaborator.” So good question. Thank you.
Anybody else? Thoughts?
Q So, so far, you've covered a lot of dysfunctional behaviors.
You start with a team that's in trouble or family that's in trouble and to find the patterns
of this disfunction and try to address and make things better.
What if my team has no disfunction? It's special. And, rather than focus on the negative of
all the disfunction and try to cure them, where are some of the patterns that we could
look for to actually nurture and get to the next level?
Sylvia Lafair: Yeah. Beautiful. The patterns -- and they seem all to be in
the neocortex -- are the patterns of altruism of sharing of higher-level communication.
This book that was written was about finding out the patterns that aren't working, that
we don't need to bring to work anymore, and to move out of the lower parts of the brain.
But I think that once you get a team that really is helpful, and you begin to continuously
acknowledge that, there's tools we have -- I can't go into now, but -- for even heightening
the innovative, creative part of working together. The 'aha' part of it.
And once we breakthrough -- obviously, you're very lucky, and you've done good work, and
have a good team -- that's where we're headed. We're headed to teams that work together.
This one team that we worked with -- the one I told you did this "How to have a meeting"
that was really kind of crazy -- they were winning awards in their company all over the
place. And we started getting a lot of calls, and
I would say, "What do you want?” And they'd say, "We want to be like ABC team.”
And I go, "Why?” And some of them said, "Because they're bringing
in so much money, and they're so good at sales and Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
Couple groups that called said, "We watched them at some of the meetings.
They really like each other. We see it when they go out to dinner.
We see it at breaks. That's what we want.”
Those were the ones we chose to do more of the work with.
The funny thing is, at end of the year, there was more competition for the higher levels
of success in sales, because these other groups were getting there too.
So you just keep going, and you do lots of acknowledging.
So that's a very good question. Well, I see our time is up.
Oh, I'm move the slide. So you can take the quiz on our website, send
it to a friend, and you can get a consultation that will help you dig more deeply into where
the pattern comes from and then decide what you want to do with it. And that's it.
Thanks to everyone. Thank you.
>> [Clapping]