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CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY, NBC PRODUCTIONS,
AND 1994 NCI CAPTION CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT TO FIND MYSELF BACK ON THE JOB MARKET
AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.
THE LAST TIME I WORKED, I WAS WAITRESSING
TO PUT MY HUSBAND THROUGH LAW SCHOOL,
AND THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO,
AND 19 YEARS BEFORE HE HAD HIS MID-LIFE CRISIS...
NAMED SACHA.
I HAD A FEW INJURIES,
BUT I ALSO HAD THE SECOND-BEST ROOKIE SEASON IN THE LEAGUE.
I'M STRONG NOW. I'M READY TO PLAY BALL.
I DON'T LOOK AT MY KNEES AS RECONSTRUCTED.
I LOOK AT THEM AS RETROFITTED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SANTA MONICA FREEWAY.
THAT HIT THE DECK, BUT EVERYONE STILL DRIVES ON IT.
I'D MAKE AN EXCELLENT LEGAL SECRETARY.
I WAS MARRIED TO A LAWYER.
I EVEN KNOW SOME CASE LAW.
I KNOW YOU CAN'T KILL SOMEONE
JUST BECAUSE HE BOUGHT SACHA A BIG WEDDING RING.
I'M SOLID AND READY TO GET BACK ON THE FIELD.
I'M NOT SAYING I HAVE TO START,
ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD BE THE SMART THING.
ALL IN ALL, I'M VERY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE.
I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN,
A SEARS CHARGE CARD MY HUSBAND FORGOT TO CANCEL.
SO FROM HERE ON OUT,
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP,
AND, YEAH, I'M A LITTLE SCARED,
BUT I'M EXCITED,
AND I REALLY, REALLY NEED THIS JOB.
FORGET WHAT THE DOCTORS SAY.
I KNOW ME BETTER THAN ANYONE,
AND I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME,
EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN, MONEY,
CARS, AND TAXES.
BUT FOOTBALL I DO KNOW.
I KNOW I'M A HELL OF AN ATHLETE.
I BELONG ON THE FIELD.
I WANT BACK IN, COACH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
Ñ%
YOUR MOTHER SAID SHE'D BE HERE AT NOON.
IT'S 12:30. I HAVE A 1:00 LUNCH.
THIS CAN'T BE THE RIGHT HOUSE.
YOU MUST HAVE US CONFUSED WITH A POOR FAMILY.
TIFFANY, WE ARE A POOR FAMILY.
IT'S A LIE. I CAN'T LIVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
THERE ARE NO GATES.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE RENTING.
PEOPLE DON'T RENT HOMES.
THEY RENT BOWLING SHOES.
I DID IT.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEWEST ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
AT COMSTOCK, NATHAN, & SMYTHE!
OH, GREAT.
WE'RE RICH AGAIN.
WE'LL TAKE A BIGGER HOUSE NOW.
TIFFANY, ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
IS JUST A FANCY WAY OF SAYING SECRETARY.
OH, GOD.
WE'RE BLACK WHITE TRASH.
I CAN SEE YOUR HANDS ARE FULL,
SO HERE'S YOUR COPY OF THE LEASE,
AND THESE ARE YOUR KEYS.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
ENJOY IT IN GOOD HEALTH.
CIAO.
O.K., GUYS, THIS IS IT.
THIS IS OUR NEW HOME.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO CRAWLING BACK TO DADDY.
AND I THINK AUSTIN GETS THE BIGGER BEDROOM.
WHERE'S THAT NANNY?
SHE HAD TO LEAVE. HER FATHER DIED.
AGAIN? HE'S DIED THREE TIMES
IN THE LAST EIGHT WEEKS.
DO YOU THINK SHE'S LEVELING WITH US?
I THINK NOT.
I CAN'T STAY HERE. IT'S TOO FAR FROM MY BOYFRIEND.
IF IT'S MEANT TO BE,
LOVE WILL FIND A WAY.
BUT, MOM, LOVE DOESN'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
I MISS MY ROOM,
MY BACKYARD, MY POOL.
I MISS THE WAY WE USED TO BE--RICH.
AND, YOU KNOW, DAD, TOO.
[CLATTERING]
MOM. MOMMY.
MOM, THERE'S NOISES FROM DOWNSTAIRS.
OH, TIFFANY.
GET IN THE BED.
[CLATTERING]
MOM, WHAT WAS THAT?
OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
LISTEN, EVERY NEW HOUSE HAS ITS OWN SET OF SOUNDS.
THIS IS OUR HOUSE'S WAY OF SAYING "WELCOME."
GO BACK TO BED.
[BLENDER WHIRS]
WHAT'S IT DOING NOW, MAKING US MARGARITAS?
IF I'M NOT BACK IN FIVE MINUTES,
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
MOVE BACK IN WITH DADDY?
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE ANGRY WHEN YOU WENT DOWNSTAIRS.
[CLANKING]
[BLENDER WHIRS]
HANDS UP, OR I'LL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT!
¶ SUPERFREAK
¶ SUPERFREAK
¶ SHE'S SUPERFREAKY, YOW ¶
¶ EVERYBODY SING--
HANDS UP!
UP!
IF THIS IS ABOUT YOUR BANANA,
I WAS GOING TO REPLACE IT.
ARE YOU A BURGLAR?
YEAH, I'M THE BANANA BANDIT.
I'M GOING TO BE IN THE NEXT BATMAN FILM.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
YOUR LANDLORD. IF MY STOVE'S BROKE,
IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR DEPOSIT.
YOU CAN'T BE. MY LANDLORD'S NAME IS MARION.
I'M MARION.
DON'T LAUGH AT THAT NAME.
JOHN WAYNE'S REAL NAME WAS MARION.
AT LEAST HE HAD THE SENSE NOT TO USE IT,
AND THE SENSE TO WEAR PANTS.
HE DIDN'T HAVE MY LEGS.
SO THIS IS YOUR HOUSE?
YES, BUT DUE TO TEMPORARY CASH-FLOW PROBLEMS,
I RENT IT OUT AND STAY IN THE APARTMENT OVER THE GARAGE.
WE SHARE THE KITCHEN.
UH-UH.
YOU AGREED. IT'S IN THE LEASE.
PEOPLE DON'T READ LEASES.
YEAH, I WAS BANKING ON THAT.
MOM, YOU O.K.?
WOW. MARION HILL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR KITCHEN?
YOU RECOGNIZE ME, HUH?
YOU SEE ME PLAY FOR THE RAIDERS?
I SAW YOU RUN INTO THAT GOAL POST.
THAT WON FIRST PRIZE ON FOOTBALL FOLLIES.
WE REALLY NEED OUR SPACE.
I DON'T THINK SHARING THE KITCHEN'S GOING TO WORK FOR US.
HEY, IT'S MY HOUSE.
I'D PREFER TO LIVE IN IT MYSELF,
BUT WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT.
AUSTIN'S LIVING PROOF OF THAT.
DID I MENTION I DROPPED YOUR TOOTHBRUSH
IN THE TOILET THIS MORNING?
SAY GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
LISTEN, MARION, I'M SURE YOU'RE A NICE PERSON,
BUT THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT.
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO BUY YOURSELF A HOT PLATE.
LOOK, I BELIEVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE
HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
WE MUST SEARCH BEYOND THE OBVIOUS INTANGIBLE
AND SEEK THE INNER MEANING.
BY DOING SO, WE AFFECT OUR DESTINY.
APPARENTLY, SOMETHING IN MY KARMA
HAS DRAWN YOU HERE
TO ENRICH OR TEST MY SPIRITUAL AWARENESS.
PLUS YOU NEED THE MONEY.
FIRST OF EACH MONTH.
HEY, MARION...
I RIGGED YOUR GARAGE-DOOR OPENER,
SO NOW IT WORKS THE TOASTER. CHECK IT OUT.
ARE YOU SOME KIND OF LITTLE GENIUS?
TECHNICALLY, NO.
COMPARED TO TIFFANY...
YES.
HOW ARE YOU AT CLIMBING A POLE?
I DON'T HAVE ANY CABLE.
HE CAN BARELY CLIMB INTO BED
WITHOUT GETTING A NOSEBLEED.
SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP.
HAMMER TOES. KEEBLER ELF.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
DON'T PUT THAT OUT IN THE UNIVERSE.
I CAN'T HAVE THAT.
I'M AN ATHLETE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS COMEBACK.
THE COACH WON'T LET ME PLAY UNTIL I'M 100%--
MIND AND BODY.
TO GET THERE, I NEED THE PROPER ENVIRONMENT--
CALM, ORDERED,
POSITIVE.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
I DO. I'M A DANCER.
WE'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU SOMEDAY.
AUSTIN UNDERSTANDS.
HE'S A BORN ATHLETE. HE'S GOT THE LOOK.
I DO?
YEAH. PLUS YOU GOT A LITTLE...
IT'S 7:25, AND I CAN'T GET
THE DAMN GARAGE DOOR TO OPEN.
WANT SOME TOAST?
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR TOAST.
I HAVE 20 MINUTES TO BE TO WORK.
WHERE IS THE NEW NANNY?
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. SHE'S NOT COMING.
THAT'S O.K. I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO, I CAN'T.
I CAN HARDLY BREATHE.
YOU'RE EXPERIENCING SOME SERIOUS MOOD SWINGS.
YOU NEED TO CUT BACK ON YOUR SUGAR.
KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF MY SUGAR.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
MARION COULD TAKE US.
YEAH.
NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO,
BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH VERY COOL.
I JUST HAVE SOME THINGS...
HOW FAR IS THE SCHOOL?
IT'S O.K. I COULDN'T ALLOW IT.
COME ON, KIDS. LET'S GO.
I CAN DROP THEM ON MY WAY TO AROMATHERAPY.
THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY HELPFUL.
HAVE A GOOD FIRST DAY, SWEETHEART.
BE GOOD, BABY DOLL.
AUSTIN, DON'T FORGET YOUR CARSICK BAG.
WHOA! HOLD ON THERE!
WHOA!
HI THERE.
PERSONNEL SENT ME.
I'M JACKIE WARREN, YOUR NEW ASSISTANT.
HEATHER COMSTOCK. YOU'RE LATE.
OH...I'M VERY SORRY.
I GOT HELD UP BETWEEN MY KIDS
AND FINDING A PARKING SPACE.
DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
WITH THIS BODY?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I HAVE A PORSCHE AND A PARKING SPACE.
HOW LOVELY. THEN WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.
OH, I HAVE PORSCHE SUNGLASSES.
CLOSE THE DOOR AND HAVE A SEAT.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
TAKE THIS CONTRACT, MAKE 500 COPIES,
ADDRESS THE PACKETS, FIGURE THE POSTAGE,
AND STAMP THEM IN TIME FOR A 7:00 PICKUP.
IF YOU MISS THE DEADLINE, NOT TO WORRY.
THE POST OFFICE DOWNTOWN IS OPEN 24 HOURS.
HERE'S A LIST OF PERSONAL ERRANDS I NEED DONE.
YOU CAN DO THOSE ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR.
I'VE GOT YOGA, A CONFERENCE,
AN ARBITRATION, I TEACH A SEMINAR,
THEN I'M IN COURT.
I'LL CHECK IN FOR MESSAGES.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YEAH. DO YOU HAVE A PEN THAT WORKS?
EXCUSE ME, HEATHER...
YES?
DO YOU MIND IF I FINISH FROM HOME?
NOBODY'S WATCHING MY KIDS,
AND THEY NEED THEIR DINNER.
ACTUALLY, I DO.
MAY I ASK WHY?
NO, YOU MAY NOT.
THANK YOU.
[DIALING]
HELLO.
WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING MY PHONE?
YOU SOUND STRESSED. YOU EATING SUGAR AGAIN?
NO, I'M NOT.
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SOUNDS STRESSED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST HANGIN'.
WHAT'S UP?
I FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE ASKING THIS,
BUT COULD YOU WATCH MY KIDS UNTIL I GET HOME?
IT'LL ONLY BE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
I'LL BRING HOME DINNER.
DOES CHINESE SOUND O.K.?
SOUNDS GOOD,
BUT NO MEAT, NO MSG, NO SALT,
NO ANIMAL FAT, AND STEAMED, NOT FRIED.
OR SHOULD WE HAVE RIBS INSTEAD?
[BUZZ]
YES, HEATHER?
I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE PHONE.
YOU'VE BEEN ON OVER TWO MINUTES.
I HOPE THAT'S NOT A PERSONAL CALL.
SORRY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
SORRY, MARION. THAT WAS MY BOSS.
HOPEFULLY SHE'S ONLY VISITING EARTH FOR A SHORT TIME.
JACKIE?
YES, HEATHER.
YOU NEED TO PRESS THE SECOND BUTTON
TO TURN OFF THE INTERCOM.
KIDS, I'M HOME.
I GOT CHINESE. HEY!
[REWINDING]
TIFFANY, AUSTIN!
JACKIE, THIS IS MARION.
WE'RE AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM AT ST. ANTHONY'S.
AUSTIN HAD AN ACCIDENT.
THE DOCTOR SAYS--
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ME. GOTTA GO.
[BEEP]
HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
MARION TAUGHT ME A ONE-HANDED BACK FLIP.
WHAT?
HE GETS NAUSEOUS WATCHING THE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER.
HE CAN'T DO A BACK FLIP.
THE FLIP HE GOT. IT WAS THE LANDING.
HOW COULD YOU BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE?
IT'S O.K., MOM.
MARION SAYS TO GET THE RIPEST FRUIT.
YOU HAVE TO GO OUT ON A LIMB.
HONEY, MARION IS AN IDIOT.
COME ON. COME ON, AUSTIN.
MOM'S GOT THAT "DADDY'S WORKING LATE AGAIN" LOOK.
SO...
HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY?
I TRUSTED YOU WITH THE MOST PRECIOUS THINGS IN MY LIFE.
YOU NOT ONLY BLEW IT, BUT YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH!
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE NOT DOING AUSTIN ANY FAVORS.
HE TOOK A SPILL. THAT'S WHAT BOYS DO. THEY FALL DOWN--
THEY RUN INTO GOAL POSTS.
HEY, WE WON THAT GAME.
I'D HATE TO SEE AUSTIN
SIT ON THE BENCH ALL HIS LIFE.
HE'S NOT YOUR KID. HE'S MINE.
IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL STAY OUT OF MY WAY.
IF I WAS SMART,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY A LEXUS.
YOUNG LADY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
UH, NOT TO EAT ANY OF MARION'S WEIRD--CURSE WORD--FOOD.