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X
>> ANNOUNCER: It's Brand X
with Russell Brand.
(applause)
Tonight, Sarah Silverman.
>> BRAND: Focus on your jobs!
>> ANNOUNCER: And now,
Russell Brand.
(applause)
>> BRAND: Thanks, thank, thanks.
Perfect, thank you.
(imitates explosion)
Damn you.
(shivering)
Thanks for clapping.
Welcome to a type of TV program.
This is it.
On the show tonight, we've got
guests.
One of them's Sarah Silverman.
(applause, cheering)
Also...
(laughs)
a white nationalist.
Oh, oh.
Oh, so you like Sarah Silverman.
As soon as someone wants to
compartmentalize society on the
basis of race, where's the
applause?
(laughter)
Also there is gonna be a
psychedelic shaman telling us
how to expand our consciousness
through the use of plants.
(applause)
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah.
Now I understand the audience.
Sarah Silverman, like.
Racists, don't like.
Drugs, like.
(laughter)
Oh, yeah, well, we're gonna do
the news now for this program.
First of all, here's some news
from a man called James.
Uh, James is a man...
You don't have a house, do you?
>> JAMES: No. Monsanto is evil.
I know that.
>> BRAND: What is Monsanto?
They make types of seeds.
>> JAMES: They make seeds that
you can grow only one crop and
then you can't get more seed
from that crop.
>> BRAND: Okay, so that's some
news: Monsanto is evil.
We know that.
What else?
>> JAMES: 70% of the food on
your store shelf, Monsanto has
something to do with, and that's
not good.
Chemical companies and food,
it doesn't match.
>> BRAND: Information from a
homeless man.
(applause)
Good that, because I think that,
say I didn't have my house where
I go at night and I sleep there.
I don't think I'd be outside and
go, "(bleep) Monsanto."
I'd be like, focused on myself
under your circumstances.
But some of these things are
less glowing reports for
humanity.
"Qatada's GPS Space Tag.
UK terror suspect Abu Qatada
will be fitted with a GPS tag
and monitored by satellite from
space."
That's just what a (bleep) GPS
tag is.
You don't have to...
"Ooh, a satellite in space."
We're used to that now.
You can't have a satellite
anywhere else.
Just be on the ground.
It would be scary for us.
Like a fallen bird-man crunched
in a stairwell, a spinning
wheelchair wheel, haunting,
keeping time like an Edgar Allen
Poe poem.
Not for me.
(laughter)
"Police will use the five
million a year..."
Right, so they're tracking a
bloke 'cause they suspect him of
tararism... terrorism.
Not tararism.
That's still not a crime.
You can be Tara as much as you
want.
Look, "Police will use the five
million a year scheme..."
Five million a year to monitor
one person.
Like, I'd do it for that.
(laughter)
What this news is designed to do
is to make you go, "Oh, bloody
terrorist."
He might not have done
anything, this bloke.
All this is is "man found guilty
of long beard."
And if that's a crime, lock me
up, baby.
Here are some of the, uh,
comments.
"BuddyHolly999: Help us all
out."
Talking about this suspected
terrorist.
"Help us all out-- put him on
a lone island."
He's in England.
He's on an island.
(laughter)
Parrotface says, "I wonder how
many dead mice are lurking in
that beard?"
Is that the issue?
Why do you care?
Why would there be?
And how can a dead mouse lurk?
(laughter)
Stupid.
Those people aren't clever
enough.
Finally, a story I'd like to see
on Fox News.
"Fox robs woman."
No, foxes don't mug people,
do they?
How? They're foxes.
It's like the plot to Pinocchio.
(laughter)
"Louisa Powers, 46, was walking
back home, carrying her
groceries, when the animal
appeared, stopped in front of
her.
The mother of two walked
past the fox, but then
felt harassed by him."
(laughter)
"You better stop this.
I'm feeling harassed."
"I, the fox, cannot be
responsible for your mad inner
dialogue."
"Ah, now I'm feeling sexually
aroused.
Ah! Now look what you're making
me do!
Bad fox!
Bad fox!
Bad fox!
Now I'm squirting.
I'm ejaculating estrogen
streams, and it's all because of
you, fox."
"No, I've just been being a
fox in fox world."
This story should be "Woman
idiot."
(laughter)
"South African town overrun by
colony of penguins who run riot
and torment locals."
"Penguins! Oh, ***,
this is gonna be awful.
They're going crazy, the
penguins."
Let's have a look.
It sounds like hell.
They're just there.
Look it, they're so lovely.
(laughter)
She can't even muster up any
anger to pretend that it's bad.
"This is the hell that is my
existence."
That is again another story,
"Woman is ungrateful."
Let's, um, allow some companies
to sponsor this program.
They'll put their products up
now.
We'll look at them and go,
"Maybe that's what's missing."
Come back after.
(applause)
>> BRAND: All right then, so
we'll have a round of applause,
then we'll be on the telly.
(applause)
Oh, what?
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Now it's time for a totally
unacceptable opinion.
That's a thing we don't agree
with.
Let's have a look at a VT
package which will help us to
understand what the thing is
we're about to hear.
>> ANNOUNCER: This is totally
unacceptable.
Bill Johnson is chairman of
America's Third Position, a
group that wants to pay
minorities to move back to their
country of origin.
Here's his key to the survival
of the white race.
>> JOHNSON: Raise your children
to be white nationalists, and if
we do that, we will secure the
existence of our people and the
future for white children.
>> BRAND: Please welcome Bill
Johnson.
>> JOHNSON: Hello.
Nice to meet you.
>> BRAND: You, too. Sit here.
>> JOHNSON: Okay.
>> BRAND: Now, you can hear that
the audience response is muted,
because they know that you're a
nationalist.
Explain to us what a white
nationalist is.
>> JOHNSON: Well, I think a
nationalist is someone that
wants to promote the interests
of his people, someone who
rejects multiculturalism and
rejects diversity.
>> BRAND: I like
multiculturalism.
>> JOHNSON: I would assume that
you would, sure.
>> BRAND: 'Cause of the
different food and the different
color people.
This is one of the things.
'Cause I'm heterosexual, I
already think, oh, that's so
many people I can't have sex
with, men, and already very old
people, very, very young people,
animals.
Don't start eliminating brown
people or yellow people.
So, like, that's why I like the
whole multiculturalism.
>> JOHNSON: I think you're
coming from a particularly
different viewpoint than I came
from.
I don't think that I've ever
engaged in a conversation where
someone talked about having
relations with animals, but I
guess that's your background,
but not mine.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Allow me to explain
something, Bill.
A conversation is the exchange
of verbal vibrations.
It's different from doing a
thing.
>> JOHNSON: Okay.
>> BRAND: I'm not Krishna.
I don't pipe reality into being.
>> JOHNSON: From my background,
I've never even talked about
that subject, and would prefer
not to.
>> BRAND: Okay, what is it that
you want to talk about, though?
The old white nationalism?
>> JOHNSON: I'm the chairman of
a nascent political party called
the American Third Position.
We have a wide variety of views.
Every particular view...
>> BRAND: Can't be that wide.
You won't listen to anyone who's
not white.
>> JOHNSON: The racial aspect is
only one portion of it.
We are strong environmentalists.
>> BRAND: Those things are good.
We know all about that.
Be good to the environment,
capitalists have gone too far.
Those things are quite good.
It's racism we're worried about.
>> JOHNSON: The white
nationalist aspect of it isn't
racist, it's being proud and
supportive of your own race.
And the last...
>> BRAND: Human race.
>> JOHNSON: Yeah, that, too.
(applause)
I would like to have a separate
white ethno-state.
>> BRAND: Ethno-state.
>> JOHNSON: If you want to
have...
>> BRAND: I like the name of it.
>> JOHNSON: Oh, thank you.
>> BRAND: Just don't like that
you can't have all different
colors there.
All right, Bill, say this
audience here, which ones--
like, say we were in Bill
Johnson's wonderful world of
whiteness, who would after,
who's gotta go-- I'll help.
Most of them!
>> JOHNSON: Let's start
with you.
>> BRAND: Some of them are
a bit brown.
>> JOHNSON: Are you white?
>> BRAND: I think I'm
mostly white.
>> JOHNSON: Yeah, okay, 'cause
you're a little swarthy, but
I don't know-- let's start
with you.
>> BRAND: Are you allowed to
be swarthy in Bill Johnson's
ethnopark?
>> JOHNSON: We call it
white ethnostate.
>> BRAND: What are my
disqualifying characteristics?
>> JOHNSON: See, I didn't know
you before I came on.
I Google-searched you.
They said that you are a
*** addict.
>> BRAND: I don't take none now.
It was making me feel nervous.
>> JOHNSON: Well, that's good.
I think that those are qualities
that I wouldn't necessarily
want.
>> BRAND: Okay.
>> PINCHBECK: I wouldn't want
you to marry my child,
for that matter.
>> BRAND: Well, what's she
look like, first?
>> JOHNSON: She's very pretty.
>> BRAND: All right!
I think I know how this
island's gonna end...
with me casually impregnating
Bill Johnson's daughters.
Only the overage ones.
>> JOHNSON: I think that that is
a larger impossibility than my
creating a white ethnostate.
>> BRAND: Both things ain't
gonna happen.
Thank God.
You still know this is
impossible, don't you?
>> JOHNSON: What?
>> BRAND: We've moved beyond
that idea of racism now.
>> JOHNSON: No, we haven't.
Continuing... continuing the
white race is important.
>> BRAND: There's loads of
white people.
You see them everywhere,
especially in positions
of power.
>> JOHNSON: But you have to
recall...
>> BRAND: If you're gonna use
your hands that aggressively,
you should get a glove puppet.
>> JOHNSON: Okay, but you have
to recall...
>> BRAND: Or you could just use
a white pillowcase, cut a couple
of holes out of it.
>> JOHNSON: Every, every
institution in this country
for the last 50 years has been
taught to criticize, to hate,
to ridicule my views.
Diversity is not a good thing,
in my mind.
>> BRAND: Isn't it?
I like it, I think.
I think, like, what you want
to do is pool all of our
cultural resources to create
a super culture.
>> JOHNSON: Let's do that.
Let's take a vote.
Let's take a vote.
Who likes diversity?
Clap your hands.
(audience cheers)
>> BRAND: Oh, they love it.
>> JOHNSON: I'm surprised!
Who doesn't like diversity?
>> BRAND: It's just gonna be you
all sad on your own.
Stay with us!
>> JOHNSON: Okay.
>> BRAND: We'll look after you.
Okay, let's look at the
cheek-a-boo test.
This is what people are a bit
too black to live in Bill
Johnson's ethno-island.
Now, this person, is this type
of skin allowed there?
>> JOHNSON: Wait-- Orange?
That type of person does not
exist.
Let's move on to something...
>> BRAND: Let's have a look
at who it was.
Let's come out and see
who it was.
It's Mitt Romney!
>> JOHNSON: No, he cannot,
he cannot live in my land.
>> BRAND: He's not welcome
because?
>> JOHNSON: Well, 'cause he's
a Republican.
>> BRAND: Republican.
He ain't allowed.
They were gonna be your
main audience!
All right, what about this man?
>> JOHNSON: I keep looking at
your swarthy hand, and I wonder,
maybe we should concentrate
on you.
>> BRAND: You might want some
swarthy people in ethnoland
to spice it up.
>> JOHNSON: Right, but I said
no recovering *** addicts.
>> BRAND: Even if
you're recovering?
Bloody hell, mate, it's gonna
be boring.
All right, is that
person allowed?
>> JOHNSON: Okay, no, all right,
no...
>> BRAND: Don't look at my
swarthy hand.
>> JOHNSON: Okay, look, none
of them are allowed.
>> BRAND: Mate, you got to take
a punt.
Otherwise, it's just gonna be
you there.
It's gonna be boring!
>> JOHNSON: Okay, the last one.
I want the last one.
>> BRAND: Right, this person's
allowed to come, whoever it is.
>> JOHNSON: Yes. All right.
>> BRAND: Sarah Silverman,
coming up later.
Fantastic. We will have
Sarah Silverman on the show.
She's been offered a place
on Bill Johnson's ethno-island.
Fantastic stuff.
For some reason, I like you.
I don't know what's wrong
with me.
Right. Bill, don't be so silly.
If you just want a place where
everyone's white, you could just
stay indoors sometimes.
>> JOHNSON: Very good.
>> BRAND: Round of applause for
Bill Johnson.
(audience cheers)
And now give us a cuddle.
>> JOHNSON: I like you.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I like you.
>> JOHNSON: Shake it.
No, no... we shake hands.
>> BRAND: 'Cause I'm so swarthy.
>> JOHNSON: No, no, no, no,
I don't do that.
>> BRAND: Bill Johnson.
>> JOHNSON: All right,
thanks a lot.
>> BRAND: Bye, mate.
>> JOHNSON: All right, bye-bye.
>> BRAND: Now to cleanse the
palate of all the mad
nationalism, some gorgeous
lovely children are gonna come
here and sing us a Christmas
song, from the School of Rock.
Let's welcome these lovely,
gorgeous children.
(audience cheers)
Where are they?
Right, the children have gone
to join Bill Johnson's
ethno-island.
Unfortunately, they were
racist children.
They're not.
They're from a thing called
School of Rock.
How old are you, son?
This is Steve.
>> STEVE: Hi.
>> BRAND: A round of applause
for Steve.
There they are! Children!
(audience cheers)
(Brand laughs)
Before these gorgeous children
regale us, we're gonna have a
commercial break to make some
money to pay 'em, 'cause they
charge so much money for these
little... lovely children.
See ya in a minute.
>> KIDS: ♪ Oh, what fun
It is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun is it to ride in
♪ A one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
♪ Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh! ♪
(song ends)
>> BRAND: Well done.
Did you enjoy singing that
"Jingle Bells" thing?
>> GIRL: Yes, it was a wonderful
experience.
>> BRAND: Aw...!
Aw...!
Aw...!
What's it like at School
of Rock?
All right, is it?
>> GIRLS: It's so much fun.
>> BRAND: You do other songs,
I suppose.
>> BOY: Sure.
>> BRAND: You could have sung
a load of Muslim songs, Jewish
songs, all sorts of
different songs.
Not on Bill Johnson's
ethnic island.
There, we just do "White
Christmas," obviously.
Ladies and gentlemen, a round of
applause for School of Rock.
Applaud them as they leave
because now we're gonna do
adult content.
Bye-bye.
(audience cheers)
Nice, wasn't it?
Thing is, with "Jingle Bells,"
you should get the feeling
it could last for eternity.
It's like one of those songs
that's got no natural end.
So there was a bit there where
I'm sitting on those ladies'
legs with Matt, and I was
thinking, "This is my life now."
Now what we'll do is a
psychedelic shaman will come out
here and talk to us about
expanding consciousness and
changing into interdimensional
beings.
Daniel Pinchbeck, he's a
psychedelic shaman.
>> ANNOUNCER: Daniel Pinchbeck
is an author who espouses
the use of plant-based drugs
to help expand human
consciousness and get us to a
higher spiritual plane.
He might just blow your mind.
>> BRAND: This is cool.
Daniel brought me my questions.
>> PINCHBECK (laughs): You know
them anyway.
>> BRAND: "Daniel, why are you
so gorgeous?"
(both laugh)
Hey, let's have a nice cup of
tea while we do it.
Will you bring it?
I'll help it.
Ah, you're gonna bring it.
Please applaud Jeff as he
brings us a nice cup of tea.
Daniel, we were supposed to have
this with old white supremacist
Bill, but, uh, didn't get
around to it.
>> PINCHBECK: Let's do it.
>> BRAND: Now, Daniel, tell us
exactly what it is that you do
and what you're all about.
>> PINCHBECK: All right, well,
I'm a writer.
Originally, I wrote a book
called, Breaking Open the
Head.
It was about psychedelic drugs
and shamanism.
>> BRAND: So you take drugs
to expand your mind.
But they're natural drugs that
grow on plants.
>> PINCHBECK: Mostly natural.
I mean, I've tried the chemical
ones also, but we all
work with ayahuasca...
>> BRAND: Don't boast about
drugs, Daniel.
Hold on a second.
Right now I'm gonna do
some drugs.
It would have been a lot funnier
if you were racist.
Would you like your coffee
black or white?
(laughter)
Do you enjoy a little
brown sugar?
>> PINCHBECK: Brown sugar.
>> BRAND: Much funnier if Daniel
was racist.
Do you want some brown sugar?
>> PINCHBECK: Yeah, pour it in.
>> BRAND: I bet you want to cook
that up and inject it in a vein,
don't you?
You bloody junkie.
You could have lived on ***
Island, as well, with your
lovely hair.
But now you're a drug addict
and it's all over.
There's your tea.
Here's my tea.
Now we'll have a lovely chat.
Ah, this is brilliant.
Right, so we're going to learn
about shamanism, enjoy a bit of
tea and think about how we can
build a whole new society based
on different principles.
Also, we've got some lovely,
adorable children's drawings
to explain the things that
are happening.
So we need a person here from
the audience to be in charge of
the children's pictures.
Hold on a minute.
You're from England.
I know you.
This is the paparazzi bloke
always follows me around, right?
Now I'm going to do a little
invasion of your privacy.
Come up here.
What's your name, mate?
Tony.
And you're from Liverpool,
aren't you?
>> TONY: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Right, you've probably
took drugs, then.
No offense, people of Liverpool.
Right, here's a chair for you,
Tony the paparazzi from
Liverpool.
Right, so, Tony, if you start
getting confused, you tell me.
Also, you can be in charge of
the children's pictures.
All right, so, Daniel, explain
to me how we can use ayahuasca
and other psychoactive
substances to expand
consciousness and create a
society where all of us will
benefit and be advanced.
>> PINCHBECK: Yeah, well, if you
look at, like, tribal cultures
around the world, uh, they have
initiation rituals.
And the idea is that when you're
a teenager, young person, you
actually need to be able to
explore non-ordinary states of
consciousness to actually become
a full, responsible individual.
Using substances like
ayahuasca...
>> BRAND: To expand their
consciousness and understand the
world differently.
Is there a drawing for that one?
>> PINCHBECK: Well, there's the
shaman...
>> BRAND: That's a shaman.
Hold that up, Tony.
>> PINCHBECK: This is the
shaman, everybody.
>> BRAND: Hold it properly,
not sulky.
>> PINCHBECK: So, a shaman is
kind of in the tribal society as
their spiritual leader.
>> BRAND: Right.
>> PINCHBECK: There's different
substances-- like, one of the
main chemicals is
dimethyltryptamine, or DMT,
which is a chemical that we have
in our brain...
>> BRAND: You've confused Tony.
>> PINCHBECK: Dimethyltryptamine
is DMT-- it's a chemical that's
in our brain.
It's also expressed by a lot
of plants.
Basically, if you take DMT and
you crystallize it and you smoke
it, you go totally out of this
dimension for about five to
ten minutes.
>> BRAND: Well, that sounds
brilliant!
I'd love to go to another
dimension.
Sadly, I'm not allowed to take
drugs because I spoiled it.
Tea is a type of drug.
Okay, so we can go into other
dimensions by smoking DMT, which
is a chemical also found
naturally in our neurology.
That's interesting.
>> PINCHBECK: Right, and one of
the experiences you have is a
kind of ego death experience.
>> BRAND: Why?
What's the problem with the ego?
What do we want to kill
that for?
>> PINCHBECK: Well, I think it
traps us in impulse.
You know, like, we just get
stuck in our impulse, and our
whole culture is trying to keep
us, like, buying all sorts of
things and so on, and it's
ultimately having a negative
effect on the planet 'cause
we're seeing that we can't keep
consuming all the resources of
the planet in the same way.
>> BRAND: I see, so by taking
this DMT, our consciousness
would expand and we wouldn't
live in such an impulse-based
culture, 'cause I'm not happy
buying...
Like, say you buy stuff, like
these trinkets.
"These are beautiful.
Oh, these will make me happy,
these trinkets."
Then I've got the trinkets, I'm
still not even happy.
So it's not working.
>> PINCHBECK: Well, our culture
is based on making people
consume too much.
One idea that I've even had is,
you know, in a way, if you look
at the, uh...
>> BRAND: Have you not seen all
the drawings?
Don't throw them away.
Little kids did this.
What's that supposed to mean?
>> PINCHBECK: That's people
celebrating as we awaken into a
higher state of consciousness.
>> BRAND: This can happen.
It can be facilitated not only
by the shamanic experience of
psychedelics or hallucinogens,
but also through meditation
and yoga.
We can access different
states, huh?
Oh, cool.
That's good.
Everyone here following this
so far?
Ah, someone's confused.
Why are you confused?
>> WOMAN: I'm just not a very
smart person.
>> BRAND: Ah, you probably are.
You've just not heard the right
information yet.
Daniel, help her.
>> PINCHBECK: Well, it's just,
you know, if you're open and
sort of thinking about the world
differently, you know?
I think, in a way, we think
that, you know, we're, like,
just subjective people who, you
know, are getting our own ideas,
but, actually, a lot of the
ideas are fed to us by the media
and the culture.
>> BRAND: Ooh, give us an
example of an idea that I think
is mine but is fed to me by
the culture.
>> PINCHBECK: Well, even like
what we think about authority,
what we think about work.
You know, all these things are
kind of shapes...
>> BRAND: They're just ideas.
It's not like it's an
absolute thing.
>> PINCHBECK: Yeah, exactly.
>> BRAND: Like, so when the
police are going, "Hey, sir,
pull over," I could just go,
"No way, you pull over!"
(whooping)
And then, like, people go, "Oh,
let's talk for ages before we
have sex."
I'll go, "No way, let's just do
the sex!"
(whooping)
That's basically how I am
anyway.
I love this guy.
These pictures should all end up
around the set somewhere.
All right, so...
Right, what we're...
As you can see, I cherish them.
Okay, I'm beginning to
understand.
What he's saying is, like, say,
you believe, "Oh, I should have
my hair all blown like that, I
should show a bit of cleavage,"
these are ideas that I think are
(bleep) fantastic because I'm
responding to them.
But that's not the only way
to operate.
Some women-- feminists-- they
think, "Oh, let's dress in a
different way 'cause I don't
want to present myself as
"accessible to men as sex
objects."
That is an option that is
available to you if you want it.
Now, secretly, I'd prefer you
stayed like that.
Because I'm not that
enlightened, am I?
But there are different types of
ideas, and now all we've got to
head towards is an inclusive
culture, an inclusive society
where everyone feels available
and able to express themselves,
but truthfully, not just using
downloaded information from the
media that's not really helpful
to them.
What we should be offered is a
whole mad, new, expansive,
brilliant new world.
Is that right?
>> PINCHBECK: I like it.
>> BRAND: Let's do it!
(cheering)
Thank you, Daniel.
Thank you, Tony.
See you, uh, when you're
snapping me.
Tony the paparazzi.
Well done, mate.
Whoo!
Nothing's real.
There's some, uh, drugs here.
They're legal drugs.
They're available to you if you
want them.
Uh, in a minute, we're going to
have a commercial break.
After the commercial break,
Sarah Silverman is going to be
here when we come back.
Here are some legal drugs.
Expand your mind.
Expand your mind.
>> BRAND: Please welcome
Sarah Silverman.
(cheering and applause)
>> SILVERMAN: Come on.
(cheering)
Can you see my butt?
>> BRAND: Yeah, but you have a
nice bottom.
>> SILVERMAN: I miss Bill.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I know.
You're the only person who's
allowed to live in his country.
>> SILVERMAN: Jews are allowed?
>> BRAND: Oh, I didn't tell him
you were Jewish.
You might not be allowed.
>> SILVERMAN: I want Bill
Johnson back here, and I want to
take some ayahuasca with him.
I... I don't know if it's the
ayahuasca, but I remember my
friend telling me that there's
this drug that is incredible
that all her friends were
trying, and when you take it,
you remember every single day of
your life.
'Cause it's in your brain
somewhere, and the only caveat
is you *** your pants, so you
have to wear a diaper.
>> BRAND: That would just be
like all the days I was
remembering.
Just be like an advent calendar
of a man pooing behind every
door.
>> SILVERMAN: I just feel like I
can change Bill.
>> BRAND: Yeah, we can change
Bill, especially if we drug him.
>> SILVERMAN: Bill just lives
like this, and he doesn't take
in any new information, and
that's how he survives.
>> BRAND: Oh, 'cause that's...
even when I casually mentioned
animal sex, Bill was like...
>> SILVERMAN: "I'm
uncomfortable."
We don't want to make you
uncomfortable, Bill.
Go on with your White Island
concept.
>> BRAND: Heaven forbid that you
should have to consider an
imagined thing for one second.
>> SILVERMAN: But you can't
hate him.
The guy has a likability factor.
>> BRAND: It's pretty amazing to
maintain your likability through
the desire to have an
ultra-white superstate.
>> SILVERMAN: He's got those,
like, dimples, and he's, you
know...
>> BRAND: Yeah, I reckon maybe
Hitler was like that.
Maybe everyone just got into it
'cause he just was, like, a
lovable scamp.
>> SILVERMAN: Well, that... that
made me think of it because he
was like, "We're big
environmentalists."
And I was like, "Oh, yeah, I
guess Hitler loved animals."
>> BRAND: Like, Hitler's dog,
Blondie, would have thought he
was quite a nice guy.
>> SILVERMAN: The dog was
probably like, "The Jews should
just show him their belly.
He loves that."
(laughter)
>> SILVERMAN: Have we started
shooting yet?
>> BRAND: No.
>> SILVERMAN: Oh.
>> BRAND: We're not filming this
anymore.
People said it was stupid.
(laughing)
This is actually just to keep me
from committing suicide.
People are just...
(audience laughs)
...staging this.
(laughs)
>> SILVERMAN: Everyone in the
audience is like, "Ha ha ha ha,
you're so funny, Russell!"
>> BRAND: Oh, God!
>> SILVERMAN: "Don't kill
yourself."
>> BRAND: Now listen, I won't
kill myself.
It's pointless.
What's the point?
You're gonna die anyway, just
wait.
>> SILVERMAN: People are so
whimsical about it.
I always think if you're
suicidal, why don't you just die
a hero, and do something like
save a whole bunch of people in
a death mission?
>> BRAND: Well done, Sarah, for
encouraging a type of terrorism.
(audience laughing)
Thanks for coming onto this
television program, Sarah.
>> SILVERMAN: You know I can't
say no.
>> BRAND: Yeah.
>> SILVERMAN: To you.
>> BRAND: Ah-ha.
Helpful information for
immediately after the show.
>> SILVERMAN: No...
I can say no to that.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I know, I've
noticed that you've not had sex
with me.
Why is that?
>> SILVERMAN: Because we're
siblings.
Look at us.
>> BRAND: Oh, what, we look too
similar?
>> SILVERMAN: No, I mean, but...
>> BRAND: There could be, like,
narcissistic sex.
>> SILVERMAN: I know you too
well.
>> BRAND: Right, it might
complicate things.
>> SILVERMAN: But isn't there a
comfort in that?
>> BRAND: No.
There's a challenge!
(audience laughing)
Sarah, you are here to promote a
type of film that will be in
cinemas.
Say its name, then the people
will hear that name, and then
when they're next thinking about
going to the cinema, they might
go, "I'll see that one."
>> SILVERMAN: Okay.
Well, it's already in there.
It's called Wreck-It Ralph.
(audience cheering)
It's for kids, but everybody
loves it!
Everybody... 'cause it's good.
It's good.
>> BRAND: What happens?
Who are you pretending to be in
it?
>> SILVERMAN: I am a
nine-year-old girl named
Vanellope von Schweetz.
And I... I feel so connected to
her, because she can't race in
her racing game, 'cause she's a
glitch.
>> BRAND: Oh...
>> SILVERMAN: And, uh...
>> BRAND: You connect.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
But then, in the end, I think
the lesson is that your glitch--
if you let it-- can be your
superpower someday.
Don't you think that...
>> BRAND: That's a nice message.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
>> BRAND: "Your glitch can be
your superpower."
All right.
So all of us have a little bit
of a glitch.
Do you feel like you have a
glitch as a human being?
'Cause you're very unusual.
You're beautiful, you're a
comedian, you're here living in
the world.
Do you feel that you've managed
to make your glitch your
servant, and ride it like a
glorious ocean of wonder?
>> SILVERMAN: Yes.
Yeah.
>> BRAND: Don't just say "yes."
You're making it hard for me to
do my job.
>> SILVERMAN: Well, I was...
okay.
You know, like I was a
bedwetter for many years, well
into my teens, and it was...
there was a lot of humiliation
there, a lot of...
I had to go to sleep-away camp,
and I mean...
>> BRAND: How did you get
through that?
>> SILVERMAN: The-the idea of
stand up is not at all daunting
after that, you know what I
mean?
It's like, what?
I might bomb in front of some
strangers?
I've peed in front of
13-year-old peers.
I want to do a spit-take.
Say something crazy.
>> BRAND: Come and live on
Racist Island!
(Brand laughs)
>> SILVERMAN: Oh... now I have
tea all over me.
>> BRAND: This is a bit like
when you were at camp.
>> SILVERMAN: Is this clean?
>> BRAND: Look at all this
urine-y...
>> SILVERMAN: Oh, my God.
>> BRAND: This glitch in the
perfection is Sarah Silverman,
everyone!
(audience cheering)
>> SILVERMAN: I... can I just
say, I want to see your closet,
'cause I imagine that your
closet is this big.
It's like... skinny jeans, tiny
shirt, little vest.
(audience laughs, applauds)
It's like... you could pack up
your whole house and be like,
"I'm moving!
Come on, all my things!"
(Brand laughs)
>> BRAND: I don't live in a
stupid skinny mouse house!
It's very complicated in that
cupboard.
>> SILVERMAN: Are you yelling at
me, or are you yelling at your
father right now?
(audience laughs)
>> BRAND: He never did accept me
as a man who wore little tiny
things.
And all this has been a mission
for acceptance.
I love you, Dad.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for that.
You've cured me of at least one
of my 12 problems.
>> SILVERMAN: You got it.
>> BRAND: Sarah has had bad
experiences with doctors.
When she was 13... you got sent
to a psychiatrist who put you on
Xanax, a type of brains drug,
but an allowed one, 'cause the
people that make the money from
it bribe the government to allow
that to happen.
>> SILVERMAN: That's so true.
>> BRAND: Well, I know, I'm
pretty deep.
So... but what happened to you,
though?
>> SILVERMAN: I was sent to a
psychiatrist.
And he literally was like,
"Okay, I'm going to prescribe
you this thing called Xanax, and
whenever you feel bad, you'll
take one of these."
And I was like, that doesn't
seem right, but okay.
He's a doctor.
And then... this is before cell
phones or anything.
It was the winter of New
Hampshire, it's like pitch black
at 4:00 p.m., and my mom dropped
me off.
And I was waiting in the waiting
room, waiting, waiting,
waiting... and then he shared
this Victorian house with a
hypnotist that I also went to
once a week for bedwetting.
It didn't work at all.
And, um, then...
>> BRAND: You were a nuisance.
>> SILVERMAN: I know.
And then he came down all
red-eyed and teary, and he
said-- I'll just call him Dr.
Riley, but it's not his name.
He's like, "Dr. Riley hung
himself!"
And I was... I had to wait the
rest of the hour for my mom to
pick me up.
(laughing)
>> BRAND: That must be so
psychologically disturbing.
>> SILVERMAN: You would think,
but I came out perfect.
(audience laughing)
>> BRAND: What a triumph!
Her psychiatrist commits
suicide, and it still didn't
bother her!
That is a triumph of the human
spirit that Hitler would be
proud of.
(audience laughs)
I really enjoyed that story...
>> SILVERMAN: It is true.
>> BRAND: ...but I think I
enjoyed the wrong bit.
>> SILVERMAN: Oh, sorry.
>> BRAND: 'Cause I enjoyed the
bit where the man was coming
down the stairs crying and
going, "Dr. Riley killed
himself," and I think that that
wasn't meant to be a good bit.
>> SILVERMAN: I only understand
half of what you say.
(audience laughs)
>> BRAND: Only half of it is
words.
>> SILVERMAN: When he leaves
messages on my voicemail, it
just sounds like this: "Goy goy
goy goy goy goy goy September 13
goy goy goy goy goy goy."
And then I, like, text him back
and I go, "Text me.
I can't understand you."
>> BRAND: That's... that's not
true, and it's mean.
Because I'm...
I'm good at talking.
>> SILVERMAN: And then he writes
back and he's like, "Well, I
speak the Queen's English, so
I'm right!"
>> BRAND: Done those questions,
done those questions...
You're pretty, you've got a
family, you were told to swear,
you were encouraged to swear,
your sister's a rabbi...
...you're pretty, you did a nude
scene in a film.
>> SILVERMAN: Mm-hmm.
>> BRAND: You've got morals.
>> SILVERMAN: It's out on DVD.
(audience laughs)
>> BRAND: Excellent marketing.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
It's called Take This Waltz, and
it's deeper than just seeing my
full bush.
(audience laughing)
>> BRAND: Deeper than that.
>> MAN: Yeah! Yeah!
>> SILVERMAN: I mean, it's a
good story, though, but...
>> BRAND: Go on, then.
>> SILVERMAN: It's not at all
***.
It's like a weird...
Like, at least if you're gonna
be naked in a movie, you want to
be like with lighting and like
it looks good, but it's just
like...
The director just wanted like
this raw, non-***...
Because when women are together,
you guys are...
>> BRAND: What do you mean,
sex-wise?
>> SILVERMAN: Non-***.
>> BRAND: Oh, okay.
>> SILVERMAN: Um, women are
naked together all the time, you
know?
It's an everyday thing, you
know.
One is...
(audience laughing)
>> BRAND: We don't know about
that in man-land!
Did we?
Man-land, we don't know about
that.
>> SILVERMAN: It's true.
>> BRAND: You're all naked
together all the time?
>> SILVERMAN: One's reading a
magazine, one's in the bathtub,
one's trying on clothes.
It's-it's a nothing, everyday
thing, but it's... for something
that's an everyday thing, it's
never mirrored in film.
And Sarah Polly was like, "I
want to show that aspect of it,"
and I was part of that
experiment, and it is a
joltingly unsexual to see my
entire... naked body.
>> BRAND: Not to me, it bloody
well isn't.
You show me a naked woman, and
I'll sexualize her.
Or your money back.
(Silverman laughing)
You've given us so much, it
seems churlish to ask for more,
but that is what we must do now.
So can we help them solve their
problems, will you stay and
help?
>> SILVERMAN: I would love to do
that.
(audience cheers)
>> BRAND: Sarah's gonna stay!
See you in a minute.
(cheering, applause)
>> BRAND: Hello, welcome back to
the program.
Are you comfortable?
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
>> BRAND: This is the bit where
we're gonna help the people that
we discussed, in our time,
moments ago.
In their time, the other side of
the commercial break.
Now, some people here need help.
That's... It's called "Community
Service" because I've got
community service, remember?
'Cause I sometimes do a crime.
>> SILVERMAN: Oh, right.
Why, from the phone thing?
>> BRAND: I threw that phone.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
Oh, you did the right thing.
>> BRAND: 'Cause of a paparazzi.
But it was... nah, it's probably
different, otherwise I'm being
racist against paparazzi.
>> SILVERMAN: Not all paparazzis
are the same.
>> BRAND: I've just learned
another bloody life lesson.
Stop being angry about your dad,
leave the paparazzi alone and
women spend all their time
naked, lezzing off.
>> SILVERMAN: You know, a woman
is like someone where you could
go like, uh, will you look at
this?
Is this something, you know?
>> BRAND: You can do that with
me, you can do that with me!
>> SILVERMAN: I feel I could.
>> BRAND: "Is this something?"
Yeah, no that's something.
What that is is an ***
shattering through your entire
universe.
>> SILVERMAN: Really?
>> BRAND: What do you think this
is all about?
What do you think I've come here
for?
>> SILVERMAN: Am I foll...
>> BRAND: To bring ***
freedom.
Are you getting a microphone?
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Sarah's getting a
microphone because it came up on
the teleprompter.
Okay, person one.
Well done, Sarah.
It's about time you did some
bloody work.
Problem one, Iris-- Iris, where
are you?
Well, you obviously are because
you just shouted "No."
>> SILVERMAN: What's with th...
What do we do with this?
>> BRAND: Oh, let's go up to
her, and talk to her.
>> SILVERMAN: Sorry-- oh, I see.
>> BRAND: We've come to help
you, Iris.
>> IRIS: Hey.
>> BRAND: Sarah, you go one side
and I'll go the other.
And then we'll help her
together.
>> IRIS: Hi, Sarah.
>> BRAND: Hey, you're girls,
you're together-- get your
clothes off!
Iris, it says here this is
your problem.
That you want to tell the man
that you're at the show with...
Is it this man?
That you love him?
Is that the problem?
Quick, tell him!
>> IRIS: I love you, Jake.
>> BRAND: Ah, that's so
beautiful.
We've solved a problem--
a problem just got solved.
>> SILVERMAN: Wait, did he
say that... What did you say in
response?
>> JAKE: Oh, I said, "Thank
you."
>> BRAND: Thank you?!
>> JAKE: I love you, too, all
right?
>> BRAND: Selfish pig!
Say it back.
>> SILVERMAN: This is so awkward
'cause he's inside me right now.
>> JAKE: It is a little awkward.
>> BRAND: Get off of his ***.
Tell that woman you love her.
>> JAKE: I love you, too,
all right?
>> BRAND: Right, we just created
some love.
One problem solved.
(applause)
Okay, there's one other problem.
Ah, who's Lloyd R., the
photographer?
Right, Lloyd.
Would you mind explain...
Explain your problem into this
microphone object.
Throw it there to that man with
the shaved head.
Everyone else watch
your eyes and faces.
>> SILVERMAN: I have perfect,
perfect aim.
>> BRAND: Ooh.
Now, you there, fella, your
problem is that you told your
ex-wife that a model was coming
to stay with you for a month for
a photo book project.
Then you had an affair, now
you're with that model, now that
model is worried because you
spend all your time at work with
models, and she's worried that
♪ History's gonna repeat itself
like a Bowie song... ♪
>> SILVERMAN: Is that the model?
>> BRAND: That's Model.
>> SILVERMAN: There's nothing to
say to comfort her.
I mean, it's...
>> MODEL: I'm not that worried.
>> LLOYD: How do we trust each
other now that we've done this?
>> SILVERMAN: He's clearly
looking outside of himself for
happiness.
>> BRAND: He's looking outside
himself... for happiness.
>> SILVERMAN: So, he's gonna
keep trying to fill that hole.
>> BRAND: He's gonna try to fill
the hole.
>> SILVERMAN: You guys aren't
gonna work.
>> BRAND: You guys ain't gonna
work.
This isn't an item called "Let's
Exacerbate a Problem."
We've got to solve the problem.
>> SILVERMAN: Or nip it in the
bud.
>> BRAND: We've nipped it in the
bud.
The two of you, you must
immediately separate.
Come on.
You've got to leave him, love.
Come and start a new life.
>> MODEL: With Sarah?
>> BRAND: No, Matt and Allie,
would you accept a taller, sexy
woman into your marriage?
Allie, is it okay?
>> MAN: Three's company, rock
on!
>> BRAND: Three's company, it's
solved.
Well done.
And, uh, just for clarity, our
lawyers will be making sure that
they are legally forced to set
up home together.
Okay, who else here has a
problem that Sarah and I can
solve?
Problem?
What is it... ah!
Oh, yeah, you from last week.
Now, here's a person that
came... Welcome back, Hunter.
Give him a round of applause.
>> SILVERMAN: Oh, my God, I
watched this.
You called his dad?
>> BRAND: Yeah.
>> SILVERMAN: This is the guy?
>> BRAND: Ah, other satisfied
customer, come back up here.
These are people we've helped in
the past.
>> SILVERMAN: Wait a minute.
>> BRAND: What's your name
again?
>> WOMAN: Alyssa.
>> BRAND: Right, this is Alyssa
and Hunter.
>> SILVERMAN: Is this for them?
>> BRAND: Look at the production
team-- they've started to give
the guests the job.
>> SILVERMAN: Hunter is the guy
who fully clothed does
*** on girls who are
naked.
>> BRAND: That's right, that's
him.
>> SILVERMAN: I watched that.
>> BRAND: How's your life been
since you were on the show,
Hunter?
>> HUNTER: My dad's kind of
upset.
My dad's a little bit upset.
>> BRAND: He's probably
disappointed in you because
you're not naked when you
perform ***, you weirdo.
Now, in future, when you're
performing oral sex, do it fully
nude.
We've explained that.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah, but, some...
Is it British people or black
people that take off all their
clothes to ***?
Somebody just told me this.
>> BRAND: That's... no one does
that.
You mad lunatic.
>> SILVERMAN: Is it Italians?
>> BRAND: Don't try and beseech
the crowd...
>> SILVERMAN: All right, sorry.
>> BRAND: ...to turn into
(bleep) lunatics.
No one takes all their clothes
off to have a ***.
How's your problem been?
>> ALYSSA: Um, he still wants to
date me, so...
>> BRAND: Right, because
remember, what happened to you
when you were on this item?
>> ALYSSA: Oh, God, um, he was
in...
>> BRAND: A subdominant, we got
a subdominant man who wanted to
beat you up a bit and do you.
>> ALYSSA: Yeah, but that-that
never happened.
>> BRAND: 'Cause you're not into
the old subdom.
>> ALYSSA (laughs): No, no, I'm
not.
>> BRAND: So, what do you say,
both of you, that your lives
have gotten much, much better as
a result of us solving
your problems?
>> HUNTER: Oh, yeah.
>> BRAND: Okay.
>> HUNTER: Everything's great,
yeah.
>> BRAND: But now, to make sure
that everything's okay, Sarah,
let's give Hunter a proper
demonstration of how ***
should be performed.
I'm be the model for the
***.
Hold that.
'Cause we're a couple of women,
are we?
>> SILVERMAN: Right.
>> BRAND: Or are you a man in
this?
>> SILVERMAN: So, I would
probably, like, take your ***
with both thumbs, and the ***
majora...
>> BRAND: The *** majora.
>> SILVERMAN: ... and, like,
pull it apart.
And then, like, pull up your
clitoral hood, and that's...
>> BRAND: Remember to lift the
clitoral hood.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah.
>> BRAND: I don't want to tell
you again.
>> SILVERMAN: This and this.
>> BRAND: And now?
>> SILVERMAN: And then you just,
like, lick it and go to town,
and act like... act like you
love it no matter what.
Just close your eyes and...
You know, it's probably the same
with, uh, um, the other
*** on the man or
whatever that's called.
>> BRAND: ***, ***.
>> SILVERMAN: Yeah, um, like, a
guy wants the girl to act like
she loves it.
>> BRAND: That's true.
That's another thing in case you
go gay later.
Also, another sex tip-- don't
ignore the bum hole.
Get right in there, as well.
Get right in.
Hunter!
Be more sexually adventurous.
>> SILVERMAN: Or at least act
like you would, and then when
she stops you be like, "Okay."
(Brand laughs)
>> BRAND: Hunter, we're sending
you back into the world
a sexpert.
Good-bye.
Bye, Hunter.
We're slowly destroying that
young man's life.
>> SILVERMAN: I know.
I just know that the one thing
that, like, the one clip of this
show that travels around is
gonna be me looking like I'm
giving you head.
But in my mind you were a
girl... I was... it was...
I... anyway.
>> BRAND: Sarah, there's no way
of justifying it.
Not without ayahuasca.
Thank you very much, everyone,
for watching this wonderful
show.
Thank you, Sarah, you've been a
wonderful guest.
>> SILVERMAN: Thank you...
Mwah!
>> BRAND: Sorry.
Thank you, you.
Thank you, racist fella.
Thanks, little kids from
School of Rock.
Thanks, Hunter.
Thank you, Daniel Pinchbeck.
Uh, bye-bye, enjoy your lives,
Happy Christmas, see you next
year.
See you later, ta-ta.
Who are you?
You're like a man off of a
chocolate box.
What are these for?
>> WOMAN: Standing in line.
>> BRAND: Ooh, all right.
That's cool.