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commentator: Peekaboo !
narrator: Tonight,
grab a partner...
commentator: Yeah !
narrator: ... and hold on tight.
commentator: Oh, hello.
I'm gonna *** you
all night long.
narrator: 20 heartbreaking
examples of love gone wrong.
woman: ( screaming )
What the ( bleep ) ?
man: ( laughing )
narrator: Couples schooled
in the art of seduction...
man: Oh, you smell like
buttercream, let's do it.
narrator: ... fulfilling each
other's every need...
and revealing their
deepest emotions.
Featuring the titillating
commentary of our cast.
Tonya: Oh !
Oh !
man: It's not pretty.
Tonya: Oh !
Todd: Damn !
Tonya: Oh !
It's truTV Presents
"World's Dumbest Lovers."
It all starts... now.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
( woman giggling )
Happy newlyweds
make a dramatic exit
from their wedding reception.
( cheering )
man: Oh !
woman: Oh, God !
Leif: Hooray !
Yay, hooray !
man: Woo-hoo !
woman: ( laughing maniacally )
man: Maybe you can use this
to stop the blood, here.
woman: That is hilarious.
Brad: What are you running
towards, kids ?
Sleeping with only one person
for the rest of your damn life ?
man: Oh !
Matt: Welcome to married life,
buddy.
That's what it feels like.
man: Oh !
Chelsea: Why is there no one
to hold the doors open ?
I almost feel like
this is intentional.
Bryan: Watching newlyweds
bash into glass
is even more fun than watching
little birds do it.
Tweet, tweet.
Congratulations...
on your marriage.
man: Oh !
narrator: The groom needs
three stitches and cancels
the honeymoon.
Danny: He cancels his honeymoon
over what ?
Three or four stitches ?
This guy is a total ***.
man: Will you please
take the picture ?
I need to get to the hospital.
woman: This isn't official yet,
right ?
This doesn't count ?
I can-- I can still annul this.
man: Oh !
woman: Oh, God !
narrator: Hong Kong.
A man strolls through a park
hoping to make
a love connection...
with a park bench.
( man moaning )
Now, he's so aroused...
that he's stuck.
( man moaning )
Tonya: This goes to show that
not all Asian men are smart.
( man moaning )
Danny: Personally,
I understand the guy.
I tried to have sex
with a bench.
Unfortunately, it was baseball
hall-of-famer Johnny Bench.
( rim shot )
And he's still mad at me.
narrator: Rescuers try
to relieve the swelling
by releasing blood
from his "man part."
Nick: I know what we'll do.
We'll drain it.
Hey, it's a ***, not a ditch.
Chelsea: What's the proper way
to do it ?
I need to know for something.
( man moaning )
Matt: There were several police
around him.
You'd think he'd lose
the arousal just a little bit.
Mike: Show him a picture of
Tonya Harding in a bathing suit.
Do we have that ?
( record scratching )
Tonya: Yeah.
Ew.
narrator: When draining blood
doesn't work,
they take the man--
and the bench--
to the hospital.
Four hours later,
doctors would finally separate
the man from the object
of his affection.
Brad: If they had left the bench
on for another hour,
they would have had to amputate
his ***,
which I think would have been
for the best.
( man moaning )
narrator: When men can't find
lovers of their own,
they sometimes turn to
professionals.
Cameraman Brian Bates
wants to put an end to it.
He's fighting prostitution in
Oklahoma City by catching johns
in the act and posting
the videos on his website.
Chelsea: Two a day
is not such a bad schedule.
narrator: After breaking up
his first tryst of the day,
Brian receives a tip
on another in progress.
man: Whoa !
Brian: What are y'all doing ?
Huh ?
This is a cemetery.
You're out here having sex at
a cemetery with a ***.
Bryan: Having sex in a cemetery
with a *** is dead wrong.
commentator: ( booing )
Brian: What are you thinking ?
Huh ?
Huh ?
What are you doing with a ***
up here ?
Nick: What's the big deal ?
It's not like he was sleeping
with the dead people.
commentator: ( booing )
Brian: People come here to pay
respects to their relatives
and you're out here having sex
with a ***.
Mike: I wouldn't want to know
that, like, five feet from where
my nana's resting for all time,
a guy's banging a ***
above her.
That's not nice.
Brian: I can't believe you're
with a *** in a cemetery.
I guarantee you, it's the last
time you're gonna do it.
narrator: Police arrest the john
and Brian vows to continue
working the graveyard shift.
Tonya: There is so much
prostitution that goes on
in this world.
It's being done
right behind our backs.
And here you have somebody that
actually steps up to the plate
and catches 'em in the act.
Way to go.
Brian: What are you thinking ?
Huh ?
narrator: Coming up...
A sexy talk-show host
you're gonna love.
Or else.
Alexyss: Stand in *** power
and manifest your destiny.
man: All right.
narrator: And later,
a brokenhearted man finds some
comfort in broken glass.
Kevin: You'll get over this.
You're just in that
"mutilate yourself and rub chili
powder in the wounds"
phase of the breakup.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Lovers" continues.
( woman giggling )
( siren blaring )
narrator: Northern Michigan.
At the emergency entrance
of a hospital,
a police officer pulls over
a married couple in a minivan
for failing to signal.
Loni: Please give him
the license and registration.
Please, lady, please.
Brad: As a general rule,
bringing up a cop's mama
never works.
narrator: The husband exits the
vehicle with the aid of a cane.
woman: Don't grab my--
Mike: Yeah, I'm not really
buying that you're having
a medical emergency
when you're able to Sammy Sosa
upside this guy's head.
narrator: Both husband and wife
are cuffed for assault
and resisting arrest.
Natasha: He was just gonna
pull you over for
a minor traffic violation,
now you've got a felony.
Loni: Do what the police officer
tell you to do,
'cause if you don't,
this is what gonna happen
to you.
Everybody in jail
and you got a broken cane.
Kevin: Do you still need this ?
Or you good ?
You look like you're taking
care of it, so...
All right.
narrator: Years ago,
Sarjeet Yadav's heart
was broken.
But Sarjeet found a way
to ease his pain.
commentator: ( crying )
Daisy: You know,
my ex-boyfriend Sarjeet.
I kind of gave him a raw deal.
I wonder what he's doing now.
commentator: It burns !
Kevin: Sarjeet,
you'll get over this.
You're just in that
"mutilate yourself and rub chili
powder in the wounds"
phase of the breakup.
Chelsea: God, heartbreak
is such a great motivator.
It makes you do things you never
thought you could do,
like eat 20 chocolate bars.
Matt: Wow !
Somebody needs to get themself
into therapy, huh ?
commentator: One more !
Roger: So he does all this
because a woman left him ?
Oh, I wonder how his wife
feels about that.
Chuck: Wait a minute.
This guy has a wife ?
Oh, that's pimpin'.
Michael: Let's hear it
for low self-esteem girl.
narrator: Sarjeet's wife may
nurse his wounds every night,
but when he wakes up
the next day,
he feels his pain
all over again.
commentator: ( crying )
narrator: After hours
at a sex shop in England.
( glass shattering )
commentator: Oh, jackpot,
here we are.
What's this over here ?
I like this here.
Very soft.
Some lotion here.
Oh, lifelike.
I'll take you.
Oh, one of these.
Oh, yeah, silicone.
Natasha: How *** do you
have to be to rob a sex store ?
commentator: What's this ?
A big one.
Yeah, nice, frilly.
Vibrator.
Yeah, that's nice.
Lubricated handcuffs.
Loni: He a little freaky robber.
Ha.
commentator: Lifelike hair.
Yeah.
Some of this.
Take one of them, one of these.
Some of these, two of these.
Well, that's interesting.
Two ends.
Mike: It's like he's on
a mega shopping spree
on a game show or something.
commentator: Here we are.
Great, great.
I'll take this, I got this.
Yeah, that looks nice.
Oh, this is great.
How much time do I got left ?
( buzzer ringing )
Tonya: Go to the aisle
that's on the far side,
because they always got all this
expensive stuff
and it's quite ***.
Leif: In case you didn't know
that, people.
commentator: See what's back
here in the freaky section.
Okay, I'll take that.
That's better.
Yeah, I can move around,
work up a sweat now.
Oh, what's this ?
Enticing.
John: Didn't this guy
have a shirt on ?
And then, like, suddenly,
it just disappeared ?
What the ( bleep )
is with that ?
commentator: What else we got ?
Oh, hello.
Why don't you come along
with me ?
Ooh, you look friendly.
Leif: What's he doing
with the mannequin ?
commentator: I'm gonna blow your
mind, love.
I'm gonna blow your freakin'
mind tonight.
Hell yeah.
Leif: Is that a blow-up doll ?
Is he--
Is he confused with this ?
commentator: Oh, you're going to
have some fun with me, love.
I'm gonna *** you
all night long.
Let's go.
John: You go home with
a mannequin, you wake up with
( bleep ) splinters.
commentator: Ow !
John: It's not pretty.
narrator: The man makes off with
a maid's outfit, frilly ***,
fishnet stockings,
a pink wig and his new friend.
Mike: This is a man with a plan
for the rest of his evening.
narrator: Using security
footage, police identify
the love-starved thief
and arrest him.
Brad: What a surprise.
Chuck: They should let him keep
whatever he stole.
I mean, seriously.
It's all been used.
Who wants that stuff now ?
commentator: Don't be scared.
Here we are.
Don't you know me ?
Let's go to my house.
narrator: Jesse and Jennifer
like to keep their relationship
fresh by playing practical jokes
on one another.
( Jesse snoring )
Jennifer: ( screaming )
( laughing )
Tom: What kind of a prank
is that ?
You're just yelling at him
while he's asleep.
narrator: The prank war
has escalated since the end of
Jesse's tour of duty in Iraq.
Nick: Watch this.
My boyfriend is a war vet.
Let's make him have flashbacks.
( Jennifer screaming )
Jesse: ( bleep )
What the ( bleep )
is wrong with you ?
narrator: Two nights with no
sleep give Jesse plenty of time
to think up a retaliatory prank.
Leif: Sweet revenge, yes.
Jennifer: ( screaming )
What the ( bleep ) ?
( bleep ), Jess ?
What the hell ?
( screaming )
( Jesse laughing )
( clapping )
Loni: Ooh, he got her back good.
Mike: It's good that she saw
a different guy in the bed
and was a little surprised,
and not like,
"Oh, hey, who are you ?"
Jennifer: ( screaming )
What the ( bleep ) ?
( bleep ), Jess !
Chelsea: What a fun household.
Imagine April Fool's
with these two, huh ?
commentator: ( screaming )
Chelsea: Oh, goodness.
Chuck: Maybe they should stop
pranking each other and start
( bleep ) each other.
Jennifer: ( screaming )
What the ( bleep ) ?
( bleep ), Jess !
narrator: Coming up, stay tuned
for that very sexy television
host we promised you.
Alexyss: They done took
the wedding band off the nuts,
the nuts and the ***--
Oh, excuse me.
What ?
Oh, my mother's here with us.
( crickets chirping )
narrator: And later...
officer: Come on, ma'am.
Chelsea: Is it really
against the law to get naked
and get wasted in your boat ?
That's gonna ruin my plans
for this afternoon.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Lovers" continues.
( woman giggling )
narrator: Police
in Orange County, Florida,
respond to a report
of a rowdy couple on a lake.
Kevin: She doesn't need to tell
anybody she's having fun.
We found you naked on a boat.
We get the fun part.
Brad: Alcoholic impurities ?
Is that cop talk for
"cheap-*** ***" ?
Judy: Honey !
Honey !
Honey !
Tonya: It's like, ***, man,
shut up, okay ?
Michael: Okay, I'm pretty sure
you were covering the ABCs
by the eighth grade.
Mike: This guy doesn't know
the freaking alphabet
and he's out on a boat in
the middle of the day naked
with a lady having a good time.
I graduated college.
I've never done
any of that ( bleep ).
It's not fair.
narrator: Both boaters are
arrested and charged with BUI.
officer: Come on, ma'am.
Chelsea: I mean, is it really
against the law to get naked
and get wasted in your boat ?
That's gonna ruin my plans
for this afternoon.
I'm gonna have to make some
phone calls.
narrator: A couple browses
the designs on display
at a tattoo parlor in Atlanta.
commentator: Yeah, look around.
You see--
You see something you like ?
Let me see here.
Oh, yeah, that's a nice one.
Yeah,
that's a nice tattoo there.
Tonya: I don't know how these
people are getting off looking
at these little designs.
commentator: I like these models
right here, you know ?
You know what I'm saying ?
Tonya: But, hey.
Whatever, you know,
stirs your cocoa.
commentator: Yeah, see,
I could feel this.
You know, I'm feeling this one.
You know what I'm saying ?
man: What the...
Mike: They're just discussing
where he thinks the tattoo
should go--
Oh, no, they're having sex.
commentator: Hold up.
Hold up, man.
There we are.
man: Naughty, naughty, naughty.
commentator: Oh, yeah.
What's up with
the tattoo parlor, man ?
How you like that ?
Chelsea: Once again,
we see every girl needs
a basic black dress.
commentator: All right,
I'll give you a tattoo.
It's gonna sting a little bit.
You know what I'm saying ?
Nick: How about getting the word
"***" ?
How about getting that tattoo
on your neck, lady ?
commentator: I think you're
gonna like this tattoo.
Oh, I like this tattoo.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of Michael Loftus'
hero award...
this dude.
Wow.
That is awesome.
commentator: You like tattoos,
don't you ?
Yeah, you like tattoos.
Loni: Can't no man
do that to me.
Take me to a coffee shop,
at least I can eat
and have sex at the same time.
commentator: Oh, yeah.
A little cream with that sugar,
baby ?
Loni: Thank you.
commentator: Oh, shoot,
is someone coming ?
Act casual, act casual.
Yeah, anyone here ?
Yo, let me see here.
What else you got here,
posters ?
Kevin: They said they stopped
because they thought someone
was coming.
Um...
narrator: The woman
changes her mind and leaves
without getting a tat.
Chuck: She went in there
for something permanent,
like a tattoo.
I'm hoping that she doesn't
end up with something more
permanent, like a kid.
commentator: You see something
you like ?
Oh, yeah, I got something
I like here.
You know what I'm saying ?
narrator: Alexyss Tylor,
host of a public-access TV show
in Atlanta,
offers advice for the lovelorn
and sexually active.
Alexyss: This one woman was
telling me, she said she was
having sex with this man, and
she was sitting on top of him,
riding him.
And she said his ( bark ) was so
good that she just got into it
and all of a sudden,
she said something just hit her,
bam, all upside his head,
just slapped him.
( bark ) will make you slap
somebody.
So y'all need to remember that.
That's why I'm trying
to deal with--
Chuck: What ?
narrator: In this episode,
Alexyss discusses a topic
near and dear to her heart.
Alexyss: I want to ask you
right now if you're not standing
at attention
to stand in *** power
and manifest your destiny.
Chuck: All right.
Alexyss: And the costume
I'm choosing to stand in
*** power in is a pilot.
I'm piloting the ( meow ).
John: What the ( bleep )
is that ?
I ain't getting into her
cockpit.
No ( bleep ) way.
Alexyss: See, y'all got to be
a pilot over the ( meow ).
Y'all got to be
the ( meow ) police.
Judy: I don't need no
air-traffic controller
to tell me
how to pilot my ( meow ).
Alexyss: A lot of men are scared
to put the wedding band
on the finger,
because they know in that
woman's ( meow ),
the wedding band is gonna also
be a noose around the nuts.
Bryan: Now you're talking
my language.
You look like you'd discipline
a man,
and I want to be your cadet.
Alexyss: So a lot of them have
not only taken the wedding band
off their finger,
they done took the wedding band
off the nuts,
the nuts and the ***--
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, my mother's here with a--
( record scratching )
Do you have a comment ?
woman: No,
I didn't say anything.
( crickets chirping )
Leif: The ( meow ) police ?
What is wrong with you,
sweetheart ?
Alexyss: Time for us to stand
in *** power
and be on guard
because we losing this fight.
Daisy: Power !
Power !
Meow ! Meow !
Good job !
We're in it to win it !
Alexyss: Thank you for watching
the Alexyss Tylor show,
and stand in *** power.
woman: Bye-bye.
Nick: I'm all for *** power,
actually.
Seriously.
I'm sick of buying
their dinners.
( squeaking )
Tom: Man, that turtle
is really knocking boots.
Nick: Apparently, a turtle'll
have sex with anything
when it's ***.
It's like a drunk guy.
Billy: What did the sneaker do
to lead the turtle on ?
Chelsea: Excuse me ?
Your shoelaces are untied...
and soaked in turtle ***.
Mike: I had no idea turtles
made any sound, ever, at all.
They're saving it for
a special occasion, I guess.
Ah !
Ah !
Bryan: Ah !
Tonya: Oh !
Judy: When I was growing up,
it was weird.
I could hear the same noise
coming out of
my parents' bedroom.
( squeaking )
Loni: How long
is this gonna take ?
Can you hurry it up,
Mr. Turtle ?
Mike: Slow and steady
wins that race.
All night long, right, buddy ?
( squeaking )
Kevin: This is nice, because,
actually, hadn't had a nightmare
in awhile.
So that puts an end to that.
narrator: Coming up...
Judy: Nothing says,
"Get the ( bleep ) away from me"
like a big bucket of hot water.
narrator: And...
lonely lovers face off
in an air-sex competition.
John: What kind of move
is that ?
What chick wants that
done to her ?
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Lovers" continues.
( woman giggling )
( police radio chatter )
narrator: Winter Park, Florida.
Police pull over a husband
and wife in an SUV.
They suspect the man of driving
while intoxicated and administer
a field sobriety test.
Kevin: Oh, wow.
He has a wife that will
pull a gun on the cops
and wear PJs outdoors ?
Lucky man.
Chuck: His wife is crazy !
What are you thinking ?
Roger: Cops rarely enjoy
a .44 Magnum in their face.
They're kind of funny that way.
Chuck: Not you, dummy !
The *** with the gun !
Natasha: What ?
It's just a gun.
Judy: Let me tell you who wears
the pants in that ( bleep )
family, all right ?
It's the pistol-packin' mama !
John: Oh...
You guys, guys,
she means business.
Tonya: Most women can't use
a gun, but the women that
do know how to use it, beware.
narrator: The woman is
restrained and charged with
assault with a deadly weapon.
They also charge her husband
with DUI.
Chelsea: Why go in on one charge
when you can go in
on two as a couple ?
As a team ?
officer: Drop the gun !
Drop the gun !
narrator: Tokyo, Japan.
commentator: ( moaning )
narrator: It's the annual
air-sex competition.
Wes: This is just one of the
weirdest things I've ever seen.
And to make it
a legitimate sport ?
Kevin: One guy looked like
he was air-fighting off
a badger attack.
Todd: Come on, come on !
Come on !
Ugh, come on, ugh !
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna win
this competition.
Come on !
Come on !
Nick: See, I thought air sex
was like having sex on a plane.
Tonya: Oh !
Mike: Are you tossing
pizza dough ?
Is that your air-sex move ?
John: What chick
wants that done to her ?
Chelsea: Oh, boy.
Matt: I feel like the air
is not consenting to this.
( rim shot )
narrator: The competition
reaches a climax
when the winner is announced.
commentator: Thank you so much !
Natasha: If you really don't
want to ever get laid, ever,
you should enter
an air-sex competition.
commentator: ( laughing )
So lovely.
Mike: Good evening,
Mike Trainor here.
We're awaiting the start
of a press conference
with South Carolina governor
Mark Sanford.
The governor's been AWOL
for the last six days.
Initially, he was believed to be
hiking the Appalachian Trail.
Now we're being told,
in reality, he's been in
Buenos Aires with his
Argentine lover.
It appears the governor's
ready to speak.
Let's go there now.
Mark: Questions ?
John: Hey, Governor Sanford.
How'd this affair start ?
Mark: It was interesting in how
this thing has gone down, John.
Kevin: Can you elaborate
on that ?
Mark: No.
Tom: So what exactly did you and
your mistress do in Argentina ?
Mark: I don't know how you want
to define that.
Chuck: Did you do any couple
stuff, like dinner and a movie ?
Mark: Yes.
Chuck: What did you see ?
Mark: We called it
"Jurassic Park."
Judy: Did you pay
for your ticket ?
With the taxpayers' money ?
Mark: No, I didn't.
I bought my own ticket.
Brad: Governor Sanford ?
Yes, I actually don't have
a question, just more of
a statement.
I love the musical "Evita,"
and my favorite song is
"Don't Cry for Me, Argentina."
Mark: I spent the last five days
of my life crying in Argentina.
Billy: Sir, if I may ask ?
Mark: What's that ?
Billy: Did you become
dehydrated ?
As a result of five days
of crying ?
Mark: Yes.
Kevin: Governor Sanford,
polls show that a majority of
the people disapprove
of your actions.
Do you feel you've let
anyone down ?
Mark: I hurt you all.
I hurt my wife.
I hurt my boys.
Chelsea: Do you mean your boys
as in your sons ?
Or your boys as in other
government officials ?
Or your boys ?
Mark: Um...
all I can say is that
I apologize.
Natasha: Governor Sanford,
is there anything else
you'd like to say ?
Mark: Could I get your e-mail ?
Natasha: Are you hitting on me ?
Mark: Yes.
Natasha: You just can't help it,
can you ?
Mark: Obviously not.
Natasha: You are shameless.
No further questions.
commentator: Stella-ski !
Stella-ski !
Kevin: This is what it looks
like when people learn how to
break up strictly from movies.
commentator: What is
the problem ?
I don't understand.
Chelsea: What happened here ?
It's a mystery.
All we can do is piece together
some of the visual clues.
John: Maybe she wanted him
to do the laundry.
commentator: Clothes are ruined.
Mike: What'd he do ?
He look under
another woman's babushka ?
Michael: Hey, baby !
Why you mad at me ?
I slipped, it's wet !
It's Russia, it's cold !
commentator: What
are you doing ?
Let me back inside, baby.
Billy: It's a lot like
the balcony scene
from "Romeo and Juliet."
But soft, what light from
yonder window breaks ?
commentator: Stop being a baby !
Nyet !
Not the cabbage water.
Billy: The boiling water wasn't
in "Romeo and Juliet."
commentator: What
are you doing ?
Billy: But the first part is
virtually word for word.
Loni: Go on, girl, that's right.
( gibberish )
Judy: Nothing says
"Get the ( bleep ) away from me"
like a big bucket of hot water.
commentator: Damn it,
I stink of cabbage now.
*** !
Mike: Dude, you just got water
dumped on you.
I think the smoke is out.
commentator: You ruined
my smoke.
( woman speaking Russian )
commentator: Stupid rags !
Ahh !
Tonya: What comes around
goes around.
Boiling water, hot curling iron.
You just never know
what's gonna happen.
commentator: Ah !
I hate cabbage water.
narrator: Coming up...
( couple laughing )
Find out what has this
wedding party in stitches.
Loni: Okay, it's funny, okay ?
Now stop laughing.
Come on, marry me.
narrator: And, more sweet,
sweet romance.
man: I love this girl.
I love her.
Matt: Why not get good
and wasted at your wedding ?
It's not like there's a video
documenting the entire thing.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Lovers" continues.
( woman giggling )
narrator: Wrancle, England.
A couple has angered this small
community by illegally
fencing in their yard.
When confronted,
the couple lashes out...
commentator: Go to hell !
narrator: ... verbally
assaulting neighbors.
commentator: *** off !
narrator: And hurling rocks
at their houses.
commentator: Take that !
*** off.
*** !
narrator: The concerned
homeowners install
security cameras
to catch the antics on tape.
commentator: Look at me !
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Look at me *** !
Boo, boo, boo.
Hello, here they are,
right in your face !
Peekaboo !
Good-bye.
Mike: What was she doing in
the house when she was like,
"Hold that thought.
"I'm gonna go outside,
"juggle my *** for a minute,
I'll be right back" ?
Chelsea: Can I borrow
some sugar ?
Or can you just bounce your ***
around for a couple hours
at me ?
commentator: You like it ?
Woo !
There's me bum.
Look at it.
Look at me bum !
Give it to me !
And, ready !
Buggerin' on the car.
Buggerin' in public.
Mike: That man and that woman
are both very lucky
to be married to someone
that's as a big of a ( bleep )
idiot as they are.
Tom: Can you just put up that
clip of the turtle dry-***
the shoe again ?
Okay, that's better.
commentator: Kiss my *** !
Ahh !
narrator: Police view
the surveillance footage
and serve the naughty neighbors
with a restraining order.
commentator: You like what you
see, you nosy pervert ?
narrator: The amorous duo
plan to comply
by moving to Australia.
Wes: They're thinking about
moving to Australia ?
commentator: Finger, finger,
finger, finger !
Wes: No !
commentator: Finger, finger,
finger, finger !
Hello !
Look at this, look at this.
You like this ?
Kevin: Hello, 9-1-1,
I have a ***, and trust me,
it is an emergency.
Loni: See, they lucky
I'm not a 9-1-1 operator.
9-1-1, what's your emergency ?
Huh ?
Is this my ex-boyfriend ?
I'm quitting.
Done.
Chelsea: Mine are star-shaped.
Is that normal ?
Is it nice ?
I don't know.
Michael: Oh, my God !
Oh, my God !
I don't even know
my apartment number anymore.
She's coming over !
narrator: Police trace the call
and track down Joshua Basso.
Kevin: You see his mug shot ?
Even he's surprised
at what a pervert he is.
narrator: When arrested, Basso
claims he only called 9-1-1
because he was out of minutes
on his cell phone.
Bryan: Dumb and ***.
Bad situation.
narrator: At this wedding
in New Jersey, the groom asks
his best man for the rings.
man: You got 'em ?
man: I got 'em here.
man: All right.
man: Oh, shoot.
man: Where'd you think they
were gonna go ?
( laughing )
Nick: I got one word for you,
maybe it's two.
Cummerbund.
Somebody Google "cummerbund"
for me, please.
man: Oh, shoot.
( laughing )
( laughing continues )
man: Justine, grab the ring,
before we die.
Justine: Edward.
man: Take this ring.
Justine: Take this ring.
man: As a sign of my love
and fidelity.
Justine: As a sign of my--
( laughing )
Loni: Okay, just get on
with the ceremony.
Why he keep laughing ?
Justine: Oh, my God.
Edward: Don't talk to me.
Sorry.
Bryan: What's even funnier is
the fact there are like seven
people in the audience
at your wedding.
( all laughing )
Loni: Okay, it's funny, okay ?
Okay, it's funny, okay ?
Now just stop laughing.
Come on, marry me.
( all laughing )
Kevin: And now she's mad at him
for the rest of the honeymoon.
Good luck with that, Giggles.
( all laughing )
narrator: Los Angeles police
investigate suspicious noises
coming from a parked car.
commentator: Help me !
I'm stuck in here !
narrator: Dark windows prevent
them from seeing inside,
so they try
an alternate approach.
commentator: Right here,
in the back !
Help !
Billy: That is quite a window
on that car, isn't it ?
narrator: They finally direct
their attention to the trunk.
officer: Hello ?
commentator: Pop the trunk !
Danny: Oh, that's where
my spare is.
narrator: The woman tells police
her boyfriend
locked her in the trunk
after a lovers' quarrel.
Mike: I think this guy
might be a bad boyfriend.
Nick: You don't put your wife
or your girlfriend in the trunk
of a car.
Unless she's dead.
Chelsea: This brings to mind
a lot of "how" questions.
How is she with him ?
How did he get her
in the trunk ?
Loni: See, that's why I keep
some weight on me,
'cause you can't fit me
in a damn trunk.
You can put me in the back
of an F-150 !
commentator: Oh, boy.
Looks like we got the boyfriend
coming back.
narrator: Police confront
the boyfriend when he returns
to his car.
He says he only locked his lady
in the trunk
because he wanted a night out
with the boys.
commentator: Look, man,
you got no idea.
This girl is, like, crazy.
Nick: Look, come on.
I wanted to meet some guys at
a strip joint in Santa Monica,
she wanted to come along, you
know what I mean ?
It's like bringing a sandwich
to a buffet.
You know what I'm talking about.
Danny: I wonder what Tonya
thinks about this.
Tonya: It's a little bit
drastic.
But us women,
we are ***, okay ?
We can be.
We all can be.
But you guys can be ( bleep ),
too.
officer: Ma'am, are you okay ?
narrator: You've fallen for
19 dumb lovers...
( all laughing )
... but the most hopeless
romantic of all
is still out there.
( Jennifer screaming )
Find out who it is when
"World's Dumbest Lovers"
continues.
man: Oh !
announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please turn your attention
to the dance floor
as Julie and Joshua take their
very first dance
as husband and wife.
( cheers and applause )
Matt: Why not get good
and wasted at your wedding ?
It's not like everybody's
watching you and there's a video
documenting the entire thing.
announcer: And now,
Julie and Joshua
will cut the cake.
Joshua: Cut it now ?
( humming "The Wedding March" )
( cheers and applause )
Judy: Hi, I spent $6,000 on
hair, makeup and my dress.
Can you take cake
and just put it all over me ?
Brad: I think someone clearly
has a Betty Crocker fetish.
Oh, you smell like buttercream.
Let's do it.
Joshua: I love her.
She's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Mike: Oh, this is the best day
of my life.
I'm so happy to be here.
Tom: Is there any more cake
or alcohol ?
Oh, no, you guys drank it all
and shoved it
in each other's faces.
That's cool, all right.
Thanks for the invite.
Joshua: Hi, everybody !
Thanks for coming !
Wes: Are you ready ?
Get down.
Bryan: Air sex with a fish.
Damn.
Wes: Oh, yeah !
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom !
Brad: Yeah, you like that ?
You like that, yeah.
That's what they call
toe-banging.
Wes: Oh, yeah !
You like that ?
Oh !
Oh, yeah !
Oh, that's it !
Oh !
Bryan: There it is !
Oh, you're a big-mouth bass !
Glad you're not a piranha !
( laughing )
Wes: Oh, yeah !
Lay those bricks.
Oh, yeah !
That's the spirit.
Brad: Oh, that's it.
Yep.
Oh !
That's right.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV Captioned by Soundwriters™