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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
PROGRAM...
>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO
NEW YORK CITY...
>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR
OWN REALITY SHOW?
>> ♪ DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO ♪
>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
"DELOCATED"...
>> I'M DIVORCED.
>> Jon: WHAT'S HIS NAME?
>> NEAL.
>> WE WANT YOU TO START PICKING
OFF EVERYONE AROUND HIM ONE BY
ONE.
>> FIRST YOU KILL THE SOUL, THEN
YOU KILL THE MAN.
>> "DELOCATED" WAS PITCHED AS A
RATINGS STUNT FOR SWEEPS WEEK.
>> Jon: FRRT.
FRRT.
FRRT.
♪ BA-DA-BA BA-DA BA ♪
>> All: [ Distorted ] FRRT.
[ BUZZING ]
>> Jon: WHOO!
[ BOTTLE HISSES ]
YEAH!
VIOLá!
HOMEMADE SELTZER.
[ Foreign accent ] HERE YOU GO,
MADAM, THE BUBBLY.
>> OUI, OUI, MONSIEUR.
>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]
CHEERS -- WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS
YOUR NAME.
[ LAUGHS ]
MMM!
MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM.
OH, YEAH. IS GOOD.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> SO, I, UM -- I HAVE SOME NEWS
I NEED TO SHARE.
>> Jon: MM-HMM?
>> MY EX-HUSBAND, NEAL, GOT IN
TOUCH WITH ME RECENTLY, AND
WE'VE....BEEN E-MAILING...
SORT OF A LOT LATELY.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> UH-HUH. YEAH. RIGHT.
YEAH. NO. YES. NO.
YEAH, RATINGS, RATINGS, RATINGS.
YEAH, I GET IT. I GET IT. YEAH.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. BYE.
SORRY, GUYS. THAT WAS MY BOSS.
SO, BIG SEASON FINALE.
WHO'S GOT A BIG IDEA?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
SHOOT HIM?
>> Jon: [ Normal voice ] MAYBE
WE'LL DO A THING ABOUT HOW KIM
IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER
EX-HUSBAND, WHO SHE JUST TOLD ME
SHE'S BEEN E-MAILING WITH BEHIND
MY BACK.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> NOPE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIBLE IDEA
'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LIE.
>> Jon: SO YOU'RE NOT E-MAILING
HIM BEHIND MY BACK?
>> I AM, BUT I'M NOT HAVING AN
AFFAIR.
>> O-H-H-H-H! SHIZIT!
♪ SOUNDS LIKE WE GOT OUR SEASON
FINALE ♪
MM!
♪ KIM'S EX-HUSBAND IN THE
PICTURE ♪
♪ AH, SHAKE YOUR *** ♪
♪ DO IT ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ DO IT ALL NIGHT ♪
[ SCATTING ]
GREAT IDEAS, GUYS.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, DUDE, YOU GOT A SELTZER
MAKER?
[ SELTZER MAKER BUZZES ]
[ LAUGHS ]
SOUNDS LIKE FARTS!
[ LAUGHING ]
SEASON FINALE, LAST EPISODE.
NEED SOMETHING BIG FROM YOU
GUYS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD OR
NOT, BUT KIM'S EX-HUSBAND'S BACK
IN THE PICTURE, AND JON'S EX,
SUSAN, SHE'S ENGAGED.
>> I'M GLAD TO HEAR JON'S LIFE
IS PERSONAL HELL.
>> ACTUALLY, JON IS, UH, GETTING
ALONG PRETTY WELL.
IF ANYBODY'S HAVING A HARD TIME
OF IT, IT'S YOU GUYS.
I MEAN, ALL THIS BEATING AROUND
THE BUSH, KILLING EVERYBODY ELSE
EXCEPT JON.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT'S KIND OF MAKING YOU GUYS
LOOK LIKE ***.
>> WHAT ABOUT SEASON FINALE FOR
MY SHOW?
>> I DON'T KNOW YVGENY.
I MEAN, JUST KEEP DOING ***
JOKES, I GUESS.
IT NEVER GETS OLD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON FROM
"DELOCATED" ATTEMPTS TO JUMP
OVER A SHOPPING MALL ON A
MOTORCYCLE FOR THE GREATEST
SEASON FINALE OF ALL TIME!
HERE HE GOES!
[ IMITATES ENGINE ]
OH, MY GOODNESS, NO!
HE CLIPS THE TOP OF THE
BUILDING, CRASHES TO THE GROUND!
AND THERE'S GOT TO BE A LOT OF
GASOLINE!
OH, NO! HE'S ON FIRE!
HE'S ON FIRE!
HOLY [BLEEP]
OH, MY GOD! LOOK AT HIM BURN!
THE RATINGS ARE GOING CRAZY, AND
THE MONEY IS ROLLING IN!
WHEW!
NOW, THAT'S A SEASON FINALE!
SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU AND
KIM?
HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA MEET THIS
NEAL GUY, HUH?
YOU THINK HE'S CUTE?
I HEARD HE'S GOT A NICE SLAB OF
BEEF ON HIM -- THICK CUT.
>> Jon: WHAT, LIKE HIS ABS?
>> MNH-MNH.
[ SLAPS DESK ]
I GOT IT.
BOTH OF YOU CAN ATTEMPT TO JUMP
THE MALL, AND THE ONE WHO
SURVIVES GETS KIM.
>> Jon: THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A
MOTORCYCLE STUNT, OKAY?
WHY ARE WE EVEN -- WHY ARE WE
EVEN TALKING ABOUT MANUFACTURING
AN IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE?
LOOK, THINGS ARE COOL WITH ME
RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?
I GOT MY SELTZER MAKER.
I'M ENJOYING THAT.
LIFE IS GOOD.
I DON'T WANT TO PUSH THINGS.
>> MM-HMM. THICK CUT.
>> Jon: OKAY, LIFE IS, FOR THE
MOST PART, GOOD.
>> FINE, IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH
LOSING KIM.
[ SNIFFS ]
MM! THAT'S MY SCENT!
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> PAPA...
PAPA...
>> SO, YOU GET THE GREEN LIGHT?
>> NO.
>> YOU KNOW, UM, WE WERE HAVING
THIS BIG NETWORK MEETING THE
OTHER DAY, AND SOMEBODY BROUGHT
UP THE FACT THAT IF YOUR DAD
GETS SHANKED IN THE SHOWER,
YOU'D TAKE OVER AS HEAD OF THE
FAMILY.
[ GRUNTS ]
>> I THINK YOU HAVE
GODZILLA-MONSTER-SIZED BALLS TO
ASK ME TO HAVE MY FATHER KILLED.
>> [ GULPS ]
>> AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT,
MIGHTY JOE JON.
>> I ADMIRE YOU, TOO.
LET'S GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF
HERE.
>> Jon: KIM, I LOVE YOU, AND I
DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
NOT TO NEAL, NOT TO ANYBODY, NO
MATTER HOW THICK THEIR CUT OF
BEEF IS.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> [ GASPS ]
OH, MY GOD.
[ Laughing ] JON!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Jon: OPEN IT.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE
ACTUALLY ENGAGED.
>> Jon: UH...
[ LAUGHS ]
SLOW IT DOWN AND BACK IT UP.
NOBODY SAID "ENGAGED."
THAT IS NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
>> SO WHAT IS IT?
>> Jon: IT IS A "NEXT LEVEL"
RING.
>> WHAT?
>> Jon: WE ARE TAKING THINGS TO
THE NEXT LEVEL.
>> OF ENGAGEMENT?
>> OF LEVELS.
WE'RE AT A CERTAIN LEVEL NOW.
HERE'S ENGAGEMENT.
HERE'S THE NEXT LEVEL, OKAY?
THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT TO GO
BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED,
BABY DOLL.
>> BUT THE TOP LEVEL IS USUALLY
MARRIAGE, AND THE MIDDLE --
>> Jon: WELL, YEAH.
MARRIAGE IS UP HERE.
HERE'S WHERE WE ARE.
>> NO. DOWN.
>> Jon: HERE'S ENGAGEMENT.
>> AND THE MIDDLE IS ENGAGEMENT.
>> Jon: SEE, THAT'S THE MISTAKE
A LOT OF COUPLES MAKE, AND
THAT'S WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS
SO HIGH.
BABY, IT'S THE NEXT LEVEL.
HOW ARE YOU NOT PSYCHED RIGHT
NOW?
I CAN'T -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> ARE WE ENGAGED? YES OR NO.
I NEED AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: LISTEN, I MEAN, I
HAVE -- YOU KNOW, THE STUNT IS
GOING ON.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
W-WHAT STUNT?
>> Jon: THE MOTORCYCLE STUNT --
THE SHOPPING MALL.
I -- DID I -- I TOLD YOU ABOUT
THAT, RIGHT?
>> NO. NOPE.
>> Jon: YES. COME ON.
>> ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU SAID YOU HATED THAT IDEA.
>> Jon: YES.
OKAY, I HATED THE IDEA, BUT I-I
MET WITH MIGHTY JOE JON, AND
HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT TO DO THE
STUNT!"
I WAS LIKE, "NO!
I WILL NOT DO THE STUNT!
NO WAY!"
BUT THEN IT FELT LIKE, "WAIT,
THEY COULD CANCEL THE SHOW,"
OKAY?
SO JUST...LISTEN.
I'M DOING THE STUNT.
IT'S IN A WEEK.
JUST GIVE ME A WEEK. PLEASE.
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE BOUGHT YOURSELF A WEEK.
>> Jon: TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
>> TODAY WE'RE JUST GONNA GET
YOU USED TO THE BIKE, AND THEN
WE'LL DO SOME TRAINING JUMPS IN
A COUPLE DAYS.
>> Jon: WHATEVER DELAYS THE
ENGAGEMENT CONVERSATION!
>> I'M PSYCHED YOU'RE ACTUALLY
DOING THIS.
>> Jon: YEAH, I'M, UH, KIND OF
[BLEEP] MY PANTS RIGHT NOW, BUT
I GUESS THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.
>> YEAH. DEFINITELY.
>> Jon: LET'S DO THIS!
>> YES!
[ ENGINE REVS ]
>> Jon: ONE, TWO, THREE!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
COME ON, YOU BABY. GET UP.
>> YOU ALL RIGHT, JON?
>> LET'S SET THIS UP AGAIN!
>> HEY, BUDDY, YOU OKAY? JON?
JON! JON!
>> JON!
>> COME ON, JON!
[ MONITOR BEEPS ]
>> SO THE BULLET ENTERED THROUGH
THE LOWER BACK AND CAUSED --
>> I'M SOR-- UH, A BULLET?
I-I THOUGHT HE FELL OFF HIS BIKE
AND HIT HIS HEAD.
>> NO. HE WAS SHOT.
THAT'S WHAT CAUSED HIM TO FALL
OFF THE BIKE.
>> HE WAS SHOT?
>> YEAH.
>> H-HE WAS SHOT?!
>> IT MUST HAVE BEEN SERGEI.
HE MUST HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE
SEASON FINALE.
>> I'LL BE BACK.
>> NOW, I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL
HEARD THIS, BUT WE BELIEVE THAT
PATIENTS IN A COMA CAN PROCESS
SOUNDS, AND I ENCOURAGE FRIENDS
AND FAMILY TO VISIT AS OFTEN AS
YOU CAN.
WITH THAT IN MIND, WE'VE ALSO
MADE AN ALTERATION TO HIS EKG
MACHINE.
THIS SWITCH CHANGES THE SOUND
THAT YOU'RE HEARING NOW TO THIS.
[ MONITOR MAKING "FRRT" SOUND ]
>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.
SO YOU -- ARE YOU SAYING YOU
HAVE NO IDEA WHEN HE'S GONNA
COME OUT OF IT?
>> OH, IT COULD BE TOMORROW.
COULD BE 20 YEARS FROM NOW.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
>> 20 YEARS FROM NOW?!
>> I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN IN "COM."
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE "WHEN IN
ROME" -- WHEN IN "COM-A"?
I'M SORRY.
IT'S A JOKE I'VE BEEN TRYING.
I SHOULD JUST STOP SAYING IT.
>> [ SNIFFLES ]
JON.
>> HUH.
OH.
>> HEY, JON.
WASSUP?!
LISTEN, MAN.
THE NETWORK IS UP MY ***,
ALL RIGHT?
THEY WANT TO CANCEL THE SHOW.
THIS IS LITERALLY DEATH TO THEM.
BUT, UH...
MIGHTY JOE JON, HE PITCHED THEM
AN IDEA, AND THEY LOVED IT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WE'RE GONNA DO A RATINGS STUNT.
IT'S GONNA BE CALLED "WHO WANTS
TO WAKE A GUY IN A COMA AND
BECOME A MILLIONAIRE?!?"
YES.
>> NO, YOU ARE NOT DOING A
STUPID SWEEPS STUNT WITH JON
WHILE HE'S IN A COMA.
>> WELL, I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT
WAY, KIM, BUT THE NETWORK HAS
POWER OF ATTORNEY.
THAT MEANS WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE
WANT TO WITH HIM.
MAYBE [SIGHS] WE'LL PUT HIS
HOSPITAL BED ON A MOTORCYCLE AND
HAVE HIM DO THAT JUMP.
SEE YOU AT THE EMMYS,
SWEEPY-HEAD!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> THAT'S A GUY IN A COMA, AND
THAT'S A MILLION DOLLARS.
AND THIS IS "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A
GUY IN A COMA AND BE A
MILLIONAIRE?!?"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ UPBEAT THEME PLAYS ]
>> Crowd: EW!
>> [ BURPS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY, AMERICA, LET'S WAKE HIM
UP.
[ LOUD MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GOATS BLEAT ]
>> Crowd: AWW!
[ AIR HORN BLARING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MEN ARGUING IN CHINESE ]
[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]
>> NO LUCK THIS WEEK.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY THE
"COMA" CRUMBLES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER
EDITION OF "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A
GUY IN A COMA AND BE A
MILLIONAIRE?!?"
GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KIM, I HEAR YOU.
IT'S FRUSTRATING.
YEAH, BUT HE BASICALLY SIGNED
HIS LIFE AWAY.
>> WELL, WHAT IF JON AND I WERE
MARRIED?
>> WELL, YEAH, IF YOU WERE
MARRIED, WELL, THAT WOULD BE A
WHOLE DIFFERENT SITUATION
'CAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE A ROLE IN
ALL DECISION MAKING.
>> AND WHAT IF JON AND I WERE
ABOUT TO GET MARRIED?
COULDN'T I JUST, LET'S SAY,
MARRY HIM WHILE HE'S IN HIS
COMA?
I MEAN, W-WE ARE ENGAGED.
>> ISN'T THAT MORE OF A
FRIENDSHIP RING?
SO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LIKE A WEDDING CEREMONY IN THE
HOSPITAL ROOM -- THAT KIND OF
THING?
>> YEAH. YEAH.
IS THERE A PRECEDENT FOR THAT?
>> HEY, THERE'S PRECEDENT FOR
EVERYTHING.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
>> GREAT.
>> OH, NEXT WEEK, IF HE'S STILL
IN THE COMA, I'M GONNA COME DOWN
AND DO THE SHOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'M GONNA GET RIGHT UP CLOSE TO
HIM, RIGHT IN HIS EAR, AND I'M
GONNA GO, "OBJECTION!"
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU KNOW, MILLION DOLLARS --
KIND OF GOT TO DO IT.
>> HEY, JON.
HOW'S IT GOING?
>> UH, HEY, JON.
>> OKAY. THANK YOU.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY AN
IDEAL TIME...
BUT, UM...
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
KIM, DO YOU TAKE JON TO BE YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND -- TO
HAVE AND TO HOLD, FOR RICHER,
FOR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN
HEALTH?
>> I DO.
OH, UM, I MADE THIS OUT OF A
PIECE OF YOUR SKI MASK.
>> JON, DO YOU TAKE KIM TO BE
YOUR LAWFUL--
>> Jon: NO.
>> JON?
[ GASPS ]
JON!
>> KIM?
>> NEAL?
>> HEY.
>> Jon: NEAL?
>> JON?
>> Jon: YOU'RE THICK-CUT NEAL?
>> NEAL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
>> I'VE COME TO ASK FOR YOUR
HAND IN MARRIAGE.
[ FLUTE PLAYS ]
I KNOW THE TIMING ISN'T GREAT,
BUT I THOUGHT JON WOULD STILL BE
IN A COMA.
>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, GUESS WHAT.
I'M NOT IN MY COMA, SO MAYBE YOU
SHOULD, UH...
HEY, UH, GUY IN THE FLUTE, WOULD
YOU TAKE A BREAK?
TAKE FIVE.
LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHY DON'T YOU
GET OUT OF HERE?
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT BLACK GUY WITH THE BLOND
HAIR CALLED ME A COUPLE MONTHS
AGO AND TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU A
CALL.
>> MIGHTY JOE JON?
>> YEAH.
THAT'S WHY I GOT IN TOUCH WITH
YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HE SAID IT WOULD BE A GREAT
SEASON FINALE MOMENT IF I ASKED
YOU TO MARRY ME.
TOLD ME TO GO ALL OUT.
SO I GOT THE FLUTE PLAYER AND
THE HAWK.
>> WHAT HAWK?
>> IT FLEW AWAY ON THE WAY OVER.
IT WAS GONNA FLY THE RING OVER
TO YOU.
IT WAS IN ITS TALONS.
>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S TOO BAD,
MAN.
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.
>> ANYWAY, UM, MIGHTY JOE JON
LED ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU AND
JON WERE THROUGH, BUT, UH, IF
THAT'S NOT THE CASE, I'LL LEAVE
YOU TWO ALONE.
>> Jon: YEAH, AND TAKE YOUR
FLUTE MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.
GO LOOK FOR THAT HAWK.
FEED HIM YOUR THICK CUT.
I GOT THIN CUT RIGHT HERE,
MAN -- DELI THIN.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> UM, JON...
DID YOU MEAN "NO" WHEN YOU SAID
IT?
>> Jon: KIM, I LOVE YOU BEYOND
WORDS, OKAY?
BUT I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF
THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED
AGAIN.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY A
PROMISE-BREAKER, RIGHT?
>> WELL, THEN, I GUESS IT'S
OVER.
>> HO...MAN.
GIRL WAKES UP GUY IN A COMA WITH
A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
GUY SAYS "NO."
GIRL WINS A MILLION DOLLARS.
>> Jon: WHAT -- MILLION DOLLARS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> LOOK, JON, I KNOW YOU'RE
BUMMED, BUT HERE'S TO A GREAT
SEASON FINALE.
I COULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT OF A
BETTER WAY TO TOP IT.
>> I CAN.
JUST RELAX.
DO NOT CALL FOR ROB UNLESS YOU
WANT HIM TO ALSO DIE,
UNDERSTAND?
I'M SORRY WE HAVE REACHED THIS
MOMENT.
BUT THINK OF LIKE THIS.
I HAVE BEEN EATING MEAL FOR A
VERY LONG TIME.
FIRST...
WAS APPETIZER.
THEN...
WAS SALAD.
THEN...
WAS SOUP.
THEN...
WAS CHICKEN.
THEN COLESLAW.
NOW THAT MEAL IS OVER, I'M READY
FOR HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
WE HAVE SIMPLY REACHED END OF
LINE.
[ SILENCED GUNSHOT ]
>> [ Strained ] WHOA.
AWESOME TWIST.
>> [ SIGHS ]
MIGHTY JOE JON.
HE TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY
FAMILY.
HE TRY TO GET ME TO KILL MY
FATHER.
HE HAD SOMEONE SHOOT YOU ON
MOTORCYCLE AND BLAME ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
RELAX.
I'M NOT FINISHED EATING YOUR
MEAL.
NOT TIME FOR DESSERT JUST YET.
>> Jon: [ SOBS ]
>> BARTENDER...
MAY I HAVE A VO--
[ "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A GUY IN A
COMA AND BECOME A
MILLIONAIRE?!?" THEME PLAYS ]