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IT IS.
THE PLURAL OF CUL-DE-SAC IS CULS-DE-SAC?
DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE ENGLISH.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S FRENCH.
I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS.
WORDS SHOULD SOUND RIGHT TO BE RIGHT.
SO WHAT -- THE PLURAL OF YO-YO IS YOS-YO?
YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT SOUNDS SO NATURAL.
AS NATURAL AS CULS-DE-SAC.
A COUPLE DAYS AGO.
SHE FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION,
AND LUKE BROUGHT HER IN FOR AN INTERVIEW.
AN INTERVIEW? SO OFFICIAL.
THEY SAT IN COMPLETE SILENCE FOR A FULL FIVE MINUTES.
THEN LUKE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?"
AND SHE SAID, "GOOD," AND THEN HE GAVE HER THE JOB.
SO WHAT DO WE GET OUT OF THIS?
WE GOT SOMEONE ON THE INSIDE NOW, A FRIEND OF OURS.
AND OUT OF IT, WE COULD GET...
HIS SHOW-GIRL COSTUME.
EXTRA JELLY PACKETS, BUTTER, DISCARDED DAY-OLD BREAD.
BUT WE GET THAT WHEN WE GO DUMPSTER DIVING.
HEY, LUKE.
LOOK AT THIS.
WHO? LANE? SHE'S SUPERWAITRESS.
ABLE TO LEAP TALL PANCAKES IN A SINGLE BOUND.
OR IS IT PANSCAKE?
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
SHE'S SO GOOD.
SHE'S TOO GOOD.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHY SHE TOOK THE JOB.
I MEAN, I TOTALLY BLEW THE INTERVIEW.
HEY, GUYS.
YEAH, I GOT IT.
I NEED THAT ENGLISH MUFFIN.
WHEN THERE WAS A LULL,
SHE CLEANED THE MENUS WITHOUT BEING ASKED.
STOP IT.
THIS ISN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH. SHE'S GONNA GET BORED.
OR A FOOSBALL TABLE.
I SHOULD FIND SOMETHING TO DO.
HAVING HELP IS STRESSING HIM.
NOW, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO CAMPUS SO EARLY?
CLASSES DON'T START FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO.
IT'LL BE NICE AND QUIET WITH NO ROOMMATES AROUND.
WHERE ARE THE ROOMSMATE?
JANET'S MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING, TANNA'S HOME,
AND PARIS WENT SKIING WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
YEAH.
YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED PARIS' BOYFRIEND IN A WHILE.
EVERYTHING GOOD THERE?
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT?
THERE'S THE WEIRDNESS OF BOTH OF THEM BEING BUSY WITH SCHOOL,
AND HE'S MILES AWAY AT PRINCETON, BUT THEY'RE GOOD.
SHE CALLED ME FROM THE SLOPES,
AND THEY SOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE HAVING A BLAST.
HEY, LUKE, COFFEE IN THE CORNER.
BOY, MAYBE THIS LANE/LUKE TEAM ISN'T GONNA WORK OUT.
YEAH.
WHERE DO YOU THINK LUKE WILL GO?
MAYBE A BIG CHAIN WILL TAKE HIM ON.
WONDER IF HE HAS A FORKLIFT LICENSE.
HE COULD REDEEM RECYCLABLES.
YOU MEAN RECYCSABLE?
♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪
♪ FEELIN' LONELY AND SO COLD ♪
♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE THERE ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD, I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED ♪
♪ YOU NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD, I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANY, ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED ♪
♪ YOU NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪
THIS IS IN AND OUT,
PICK A MOLDING FOR THE PUBLIC AREAS, MEETING ADJOURNED.
IT'S NOT ON THE AGENDA.
I HAVE NOT SEEN SOOKIE ONCE THIS MONTH
WHEN SHE HAS NOT GREETED ME BY SHOVING SOMETHING IN MY MOUTH.
YOU SURE IT WAS FOOD EVERY TIME?
AS LONG AS SUPER-LOW-RISE JEANS ARE THE FASHION FOR MEN,
I MUST STAY TRIM OR DIE.
[ SIGHS ]
Sookie: COME ON IN!
HOW LOW ARE WE TALKING HERE?
SUBJECT OVER.
OOH!
OOH! THIS IS NICE.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE, TOO. LITTLE PRICEY.
IT'S AMAZING HOW WE ALWAYS PICK THE PRICEY.
NO.
I MADE HOT WATER FOR TEA.
YOU LIKE EARL GREY, RIGHT?
IF YOU HAVE SOME.
I HAVE IT ALL READY. EARL GREY...
I KNEW IT!
THIS IS A TASTING.
I JUST NEED YOUR OPINION.
MY OPINION IS YOU'RE TRYING TO FATTEN ME OUT OF A LOVE LIFE.
NOT BY CHOICE.
YOU WANT TO GO CHECK ON HIM?
HE'LL BE OUT HERE IN A SECOND.
HE'S TWO MONTHS AND ALREADY WALKING?
I'M MISSING THE BIG MOMENTS.
TOBIN?
HI. AND I'M HIGH AROUND THIS LITTLE THING.
HE'S SUCH AN ANGEL.
Sookie: [ Baby talk ] HELLO, LITTLE BUBBY.
DID THAT MEAN OLD MICHEL WAKE YOU UP?
I KNOW I'M BEING PUNK'D.
WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE TEAM BACK TOGETHER.
I'M ECSTATIC. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
I HEARD THAT TOBIN WAS BACK IN TOWN,
BUT I DIDN'T HEAR YOU WERE THE --
BABY'S NANNY?
JUST TILL SOMETHING MORE PERMANENT COMES ALONG.
DAVEY FELL FOR THIS GUY LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL.
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
MY WHOLE LIFE IS KIDS. I HAVE 11 NIECES AND NEPHEWS.
HOW JOYOUS FOR YOU.
TOBIN, WE HEARD YOU'D MOVED.
YES. RIGHT AFTER THE OLD INN BURNED DOWN.
I MOVED TO UTAH BECAUSE I HEARD THERE'S JOB OPPORTUNITIES
FOR INDUSTRIOUS MORMONS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A MORMON.
I WASN'T, SO I BECAME ONE. THE PAPERWORK TOOK WEEKS.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE ALCOHOL THING.
THEY FAMOUSLY ABSTAIN.
NO COFFEE EITHER.
THE CHOIR'S FABULOUS, BUT THEN THERE'S THE FUNNY UNDERWEAR.
THEN HE CALLED ME FROM THE ROAD AND SUGGESTED THIS.
HOW WONDERFUL.
I SEE YOU'RE TRYING THE PIZZELLES.
ARE THEY NOT PIECES OF HEAVEN SHAPED LIKE COOKIES?
WONDERFUL.
THEY'D BE PERFECT FOR BREAKFAST, TOO, WITH CAPPUCCINO.
I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THEM FOR BREAKFAST.
IT OCCURRED TO ME.
YOU COULD SERVE THEM ON THAT GREEN PLATTER WE BOUGHT.
THE COLORS WOULD JUXTAPOSE NICELY.
YOU WENT SHOPPING TOGETHER?
YES, I TURNED SOOKIE ON TO A PLACE
THAT SELLS HARD-TO-FIND KITCHENWARES.
I FOUND SOME WEBSITES I'D LIKE TO RECOMMEND TO YOU, LORELAI.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ONLINE WHEN I WAS A MORMON.
THERE WASN'T MUCH ELSE TO DO.
IS THIS NOT AN INN MEETING FOR INN EMPLOYEES ONLY?
OH, SHH! IT'S OKAY, LITTLE BABY.
I THINK YOUR VOICE HITS A PITCH THAT HURTS HIS EARS.
MY VOICE HAS THE SAME PITCH AS ANYONE ELSE'S.
MICHEL HATES BABIES.
I DO NOT HATE BABIES.
THEY DO NOT HATE ME.
ALL I'M SAYING IS WE HAVE LIMITED TIME TOGETHER,
THE THREE OF US, AND WE CANNOT AFFORD TO WASTE IT,
THE THREE OF US, AND HE'S CUTTING IN.
I'M NOT CUTTING IN.
BUT THE FACT IS, WHEREVER SOOKIE GOES, THE BABY GOES,
AND WHEREVER THE BABY GOES, I GO -- IT'S MY JOB.
WE EVEN MADE A LITTLE JOKE EARLIER --
THE BABY HAS A MEETING TODAY.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ GASPS ] I LOVE THIS.
WE DO, TOO.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA, TOBIN?
JUST A LITTLE LAPSING OOLONG, PLEASE.
YES, I DID.
EVERYONE DOES.
OF COURSE I DID.
SO EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
YES.
OKAY. SO MARIAH CAREY'S OUT WITH SOME FRIENDS,
AND SHE'S HAD A COUPLE COCKTAILS.
SHE GLANCES DOWN FROM THE ROOF AND SAYS,
"OH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE CULS-DE-SAC."
IT'S A ROOFTOP BAR.
CUL-DE-SACS.
AND NO ONE EVER CORRECTED YOU?
NO, BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
EVEN IF IT ISN'T TECHNICALLY CORRECT,
IT SHOULD BE PRONOUNCED THAT WAY.
MOM, JUST LET IT GO.
I WILL NEVER LET THIS GO.
YES, AND WE HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU.
WE BROUGHT IT BACK FROM SWITZERLAND.
WE'RE GETTING A MOUNTAIN GOAT?
LET'S GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
THE LAND OF CHOCOLATE.
Richard: YOU TWO ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
Lorelai: IS IT AS GOOD AS TOBLERONE?
IT'S BETTER THAN TOBLERONE.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S MARZIPAN.
MARZIPAN?
THE FINEST MARZIPAN IN ALL OF EUROPE, MADE BY CLOISTERED NUNS.
WE TOURED THEIR CLOISTER -- IT WAS RIGHT OUT OF "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHOCOLATE?
YOU COMPARED IT TO TOBLERONE. THAT'S CHOCOLATE.
YOU BROUGHT UP TOBLERONE.
I JUST SAID IT WAS BETTER THAN THAT BECAUSE I THINK IT IS.
MARZIPAN IS CANDY. YOU LIKE CANDY.
MARZIPAN IS NOT CANDY.
IT IS A UNIQUE SUBSTANCE UNTO ITSELF,
LIKE VELVEETA OR PLUTONIUM.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY IT?
I'LL TRY SOME, GRANDMA.
TAKE THE ONE WITH THE LITTLE PIG ON IT.
WE GOT THE PIGS FOR YOU AND THE BUNNY FOR YOUR MOTHER.
OH, YOU GOT ME BUNNIES?
THEY'RE FOR WHOMEVER NOW.
WELL, NO. I'LL TRY A BUNNY.
DON'T FORCE YOURSELF.
I WANT A BUNNY.
DELICIOUS.
Richard: THOSE NUNS KICK YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
IT'S PROBABLY JASON.
HE SAID HE MIGHT DROP SOMETHING BY ON HIS WAY BACK FROM THE AIRPORT.
Emily: IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER?
Richard: HE WON'T BE HERE LONG.
THE FLIGHT FROM AUSTRALIA IS DRAINING.
JASON, WELCOME BACK.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR EVENING.
LOOK HOW FIT HE LOOKS, EMILY.
HE LOOKS VERY FIT. HELLO, JASON.
YOU'VE MET LORELAI AND RORY.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
RICHARD, HERE ARE THE PAPERS,
AND THEY DO NOT NEED TO BE NOTARIZED.
OH, THAT'S A HUGE HELP.
SO, MOM, MAYBE OUR GUEST WOULD, UH...
OH, JASON, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MARZIPAN?
WOULD I? I LOVE MARZIPAN.
TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE AND PUT SOME EXTRA INTO A NAPKIN,
JUST NOT THE ONE LORELAI SPAT HER PIECE INTO.
MMM. DELICIOUS.
OH, I'LL BE GOING.
IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN.
NO, NO, NO, RICHARD. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE ME OUT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
HE MUST HAVE BEEN HIKING THE WHOLE TIME.
HE LOOKS WONDERFUL.
EXCUSE ME.
HAVE YOU SWALLOWED YOUR MARZIPAN YET?
MM-HMM.
MNH-MNH.
Jason: Hello?
UM, SO, YOU'RE BACK.
I AM NO HOLOGRAM.
AUSTRALIA WAS GOOD?
VERY GOOD. HOT.
YOU TIE YOUR WALLABY DOWN, SPORT?
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, I JUST DRANK A LOT OF BEER AND THOUGHT ABOUT YOU A LOT.
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
SO WHEN ARE WE GETTING TOGETHER AGAIN?
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
How about Monday night?
DINNER, ET CETERA.
I'LL CALL YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR MARZIPAN?
I'LL JUST SERVE IT TO THE CLIENTS I DON'T LIKE.
WELL, BYE.
I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.
Man: ALMOST DONE HERE, YOUNG LADY.
YOU WERE SMART.
YOU COME BACK EARLY, YOU BEAT THE RUSH.
I JUST WANTED TO GET A JUMP ON THINGS.
I LIKE THE CAMPUS WHEN IT'S KIND OF EMPTY LIKE THIS,
YOU KNOW -- ALL QUIET.
YEAH, VERY PRETTY.
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY MAGICAL ABOUT THIS CAMPUS.
I'VE BEEN HERE 23 YEARS COME AUGUST,
AND I'VE NEVER BEEN BORED.
YOU OKAY?
WHAT?
YES.
I, UH...YES. THANKS.
RORY.
PARIS, HI. YOU'RE BACK EARLY.
JUST THOUGHT I'D GET A JUMP ON THINGS.
THOUGHT I'D COME BACK EARLY.
WHERE'S YOUR STUFF?
WELL, I GOT BACK EARLY THIS MORNING, SO I UNPACKED,
AND THEN I WENT TO VISIT MY MOM.
SHE WASN'T THERE.
HELLO BACK AT HIM.
SO YOU GUYS HAVE FUN?
I TOLD YOU THAT ON THE PHONE.
YOU HAVE FUN AFTER THAT?
THE RESORT WAS BEAUTIFUL -- A LITTLE TOO STAR-STUDDED.
HARRISON FORD AND CALISTA FLOCKHART WERE THERE.
THEY TONGUE-KISS IN PUBLIC.
THEN SHE'D TICKLE HIS TUMMY, AND HE'D GIGGLE -- IT WAS FOUL.
TO EACH HIS OWN.
I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
YOU'RE NOT IN MY WAY.
GOOD.
[ SIGHS ]
AND SCENE.
OH! GOD! RORY! ANNOUNCE YOURSELF!
WERE YOU BRUSHING DIRT UNDER THE SINK?
NO, I'M BRUSHING CRUMBS UNDER THE SINK.
YOU'RE A PIG.
YOU'RE JUST LEARNING THAT? WHY ARE YOU HERE, ANYWAY?
OH, CRABBY AND DIRTY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HANG AT SCHOOL FOR SOME ALONE TIME.
ALONE TIME SUDDENLY INCLUDED PARIS.
I THOUGHT PARIS WAS SKIING WITH JAMIE.
PARIS IS DEFINITELY NOT SKIING,
AND PARIS IS DEFINITELY NOT WITH JAMIE.
THERE ARE LITTLE MARSHMALLOW EASTER BUNNIES UNDER HERE.
NO, WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID PARIS WAS NOT WITH JAMIE?
PARIS IS SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE.
A PROFESSOR.
YES.
LORELAI GILMORE, YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME.
IT'S SO WEIRD.
ONE MINUTE, SHE'S IN LOVE WITH JAMIE AND THEN THE NEXT,
SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH A PROFESSOR IN A DARK CORNER.
YOU SAW THEM MAKING OUT?
APPARENTLY, THE BIG GAME WAS BIG FOR EVERYONE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE PARIS IS DOING AN OLDER MAN.
WHO SAID DOING? I JUST SAID KISSING, THAT'S IT.
RORY, COME ON.
WHEN YOU'RE DATING AN OLDER MAN,
YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING OLDER-MAN THINGS.
SO WHAT AGE ARE WE TALKING HERE, LIKE 35, 40?
45? 46?
47? 47 1/2? 48?
SHUT UP!
HE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH GRANDPA.
THAT'S HOW THEY MET. WE WERE HAVING LUNCH.
HE CAME BY. GRANDPA INTRODUCED THEM.
SHE WANTED TO GET AN INTERVIEW, AND APPARENTLY, SHE GOT ONE.
60? LIKE 60 60?
I'M SORRY.
NOW I KNOW WHO *** ALLEN'S NEXT LEADING LADY'S GONNA BE.
AND IT'S SO ANNOYING.
SHE'S HIDING IT FROM ME, SO I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK SHE'S STILL WITH JAMIE, WHICH SHE'S NOT.
NO.
I DON'T LIKE INTRIGUE. I DON'T WANT INTRIGUE.
I LIKE JAMIE. HE'S A NICE GUY.
PARIS SHOULD NOT BE TREATING HIM LIKE THIS.
HONEY, IF SHE LIKES ANOTHER GUY,
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
LET US ALL REMEMBER DEAN.
THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS DEAN.
I DID NOT CHEAT ON DEAN WITH AN OLD GUY.
HE WAS.
HE HAS KIDS, GROWN KIDS.
WHAT WOULD THE SCHOOL SAY IF THEY KNEW ABOUT THIS?
YES, WHAT ABOUT THAT?
THIS GUY'S RISKING EVERYTHING -- HIS JOB, HIS REPUTATION.
HE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING WITH THAT ONE?
I JUST HAD A FEELING THE OPPORTUNITY WOULD PRESENT ITSELF.
MAYBE IT'S A PHASE. IT'LL PASS.
YEAH, OR HE WILL.
HELLO?
WHAT?
MICHEL? CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU
WHEN YOU'RE NOT SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY.
OKAY, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU --
OKAY! OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
WHY? WHAT'S UP?
WHY?
WILL YOU BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK?
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
PARIS WAS GETTING OUT HER POTTER'S WHEEL AS I WAS LEAVING.
I'LL GO PICK UP CHINESE.
OR WE CAN JUST EAT WHAT'S UNDER THE SINK.
GET EGG ROLLS.
ALL RIGHT, JUST WATCH OUT. OLD GUYS DON'T LIKE 'EM BOSSY.
YOU TOOK SO LONG! WHY?
YOU NEED TO CHARTER AN AIRPLANE?
I CAME AS QUICKLY AS I -- OW!
MOVE QUICKER, PLEASE.
SHE AND THE FARMER WENT TO SEE A MOVIE.
YES, THEY DO.
AND THEY'RE OKAY WITH THAT?
MICHEL, STOP. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M SORRY, YOU DID WHAT?
I HEARD SOOKIE TALKING TO THE POTATO MAN ABOUT WANTING TO GO OUT,
AND THERE WAS NO ONE TO WATCH THE BABY,
SO I OFFERED TO WATCH IT FOR HER.
WATCH HIM FOR HER.
YES, SHE LET ME.
I CAME OVER, AND THE MINUTE THAT SHE LEFT, IT STARTED TO CRY.
HE STARTED TO CRY. HE WOULDN'T STOP.
I DID THE JIGGLE AND THE BOUNCY AND THE AIRPLANE.
AND THEN I EVEN PICKED IT UP.
I PICKED HIM UP, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.
HE WOULDN'T STOP CRYING. SO FINALLY I INVENTED A GAME.
I CALLED IT BABY CREPE.
IT'S QUITE INGENIOUS.
YOU GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND YOU ROLL HIM UP IN A BLANKET
AND THEN YOU PULL IT BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH.
HE LOVED IT. HE DID NOT CRY.
HE SMILED, HE GIGGLED.
HE WAS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.
AND THEN, I PULLED BACK THE BLANKET A LITTLE TOO HARD,
AND HE ROLLED UNDER THE BED, AND HE GOT STUCK.
OH, MY GOD!
I TRIED TO GET HIM OUT,
BUT I COULDN'T GET HIM TO GRAB THE STRING,
AND THEN HE FELL ASLEEP, AND I WORRIED IF I WOKE HIM UP,
THE SCREAMING WOULD START AGAIN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ROLLED LITTLE DAVEY UNDER THE BED.
YES, DAVEY -- SOOKIE'S BABY.
WHY?
I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT HIS NAME WAS.
WHERE'D YOU GET TRUMAN FROM?
DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA HOLD THIS AGAINST ME?
THE MAN THAT ROLLED HIM UNDER THE BED?
NO, I THINK YOU'RE GOOD.
MAN, HE REALLY IS SLEEPING. HE LOOKS SO PEACEFUL.
SEE? I MADE HIM HAPPY.
WE NEED TO LIFT THIS BED AND GET HIM UP.
TAKING OFF MY SHIRT.
WHAT PART OF "LIFT THE BED AND GET HIM OUT"
TRANSLATES TO YOU TAKING OFF YOUR SHIRT?
THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE SHIRT.
I'M NOT LIFTING THE BED WITH A NAKED YOU.
I WASN'T GOING TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS.
IT WILL WRINKLE.
NOT AS MUCH AS IT WILL IF SOOKIE COMES HOME
AND FINDS TRUMAN UNDER THE BED.
LIFT UP HERE, AND I'LL GET HIM OUT.
I CAN'T HOLD THIS BY MYSELF. ARE YOU CRAZY?
NO!
HEY. HEY, DAVEY.
I GOTCHA.
[ GRUNTS ]
YOU'RE SNOOZY, HUH?
HE'S JUST FINE.
HE'S JUST FINE.
THERE YOU GO. JUST KICK BACK.
WAIT TILL MOMMY GETS HOME.
NOW PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
NOTHING.
WHY ARE YOU BABYSITTING?
NOT REALLY.
YOU DO NOT BABYSIT -- EVER.
AND YET HERE YOU ARE WEARING YOUR SUPER-LOW-CUT JEANS
MAKING UP BABY GAMES, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY.
I HATE TOBIN!
HE'S A SNIVELING, LITTLE TUSHIE KISSER, AND I HATE HIM!
HE WEASELS HIS WAY INTO EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE.
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THE INDEPENDENCE INN BURNING DOWN
WAS THAT TOBIN WAS GONE, BUT YET, HERE HE IS, BACK.
HE'S LIKE THE CAT.
THE ONE THAT CAME BACK THE VERY NEXT DAY.
"YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A GONER, BUT THE CAT CAME BACK.
HE JUST WOULDN'T STAY AWAY."
MICHEL, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE JEALOUS OF TOBIN.
HE WANTS TO REPLACE ME.
AS EVERYTHING.
HE WANTS TO REPLACE ME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
HE'S GOING TO KEEP WORMING HIS WAY IN
UNTIL YOU NO LONGER FIND ANY REASON TO HAVE ME AROUND.
HE'S GOING TO SUCCEED.
IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I HAVE ALL THE EXPERIENCE
AND THE CREDENTIALS AND THE HISTORY TO RUN THIS INN.
HE LIKES THE BABY. HE HOLDS THE BABY.
HE DOESN'T ROLL THE BABY UNDER THE BED -- HE WINS!
OH, HE DOES NOT WIN.
MICHEL, THIS RIVALRY IS IN YOUR HEAD.
YES.
SO YOU DO NOT LIKE TOBIN BETTER THAN ME?
NO. WE LIKE TOBIN.
YOU ARE?
YES, WE ASKED YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE DRAGONFLY, DIDN'T WE?
WE LOVE YOU, MICHEL,
AND AS LONG AS YOU STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM LITTLE DAVEY,
WE WILL CONTINUE LOVING YOU.
OH. I CAN DO THAT.
OKAY.
OKAY...HOLD ON...AND...
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT STINKS.
WELL, IT'S A NEWSPAPER HAT.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SPARK A TREND.
THERE.
MARTHA STEWART.
MARTHA STEWART ACTUALLY DID A SEGMENT
ON HOW TO MAKE A HAT OUT OF NEWSPAPER?
YES.
WELL, IT LOOKS NICE.
AAH! WHAT IS THIS?!
ACADEMICALLY APPROVED TORTURE?!
MAKE YOUR OWN HAT -- THAT'S HOW YOU GET ON THE PAPER?
'CAUSE THAT HAS WHAT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
IT'S TRADITION.
IT'S NOT TRADITION. IT'S HAZING.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST HANDCUFF US NAKED TO A STREETLAMP
WEARING A SIGN THAT SAYS,
"HONK IF YOU LIKE UNBIASED JOURNALISM"?
I'M NOT DOING IT.
YOU DON'T WEAR THE HAT, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ON THE PAPER.
I NEED ANOTHER SHEET.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TONIGHT REPRESENTS A MELDING OF THE OLD AND THE NEW.
FOR ONE NIGHT, IDENTIFYING THE TWO GROUPS WILL BE EASY.
THE OLD WILL BE THE ONES RUNNING AROUND FRANTICALLY
TRYING TO GET OUT THE LATEST ISSUE OF THE DAILY NEWS,
AND THE NEW WILL BE THE ONES IN THE STUPID HATS.
IT'S A MUCH-BELOVED TRADITION THAT FOR ONE NIGHT, ALL NIGHT,
YOU DON A HAT OF YOUR OWN MAKING,
WAIT ON MEMBERS OF THE PAPER WHILE OBSERVING
THE INNER WORKING OF THE YALE DAILY NEWS.
THERE'S A LOT OF NEW, FRESH TALENT
SITTING IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT --
RORY GILMORE,
AN UNFLINCHINGLY HONEST REVIEWER WHO SHOWS NO MERCY,
BUT A GREAT DEAL OF DARK WIT IN HER PIECES.
PARIS GELLER, WHOSE INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR ASHER FLEMING
WAS THE MOST INTIMATE AND REVEALING PORTRAIT
OF A COMPLICATED MAN THAT I HAVE EVER READ.
GLENN BABBLE,
WHOSE CARTOON COMMENTARIES ON THE AMERICAN FAMILY
PROVE THAT HE WAS NEVER HUGGED A DAY IN HIS LIFE.
IT'S HARD WORK BEING HERE, BUT IT'S AN HONOR.
YOU'RE WORKING WITH THE BEST OF THE BEST.
FROM HERE, YOU CAN GO TO THE NEW YORK TIMES,
THE WASHINGTON POST.
YOU CAN EVEN SELL OUT YOUR IDEALS COMPLETELY
LIKE THE COFOUNDERS OF THE DAILY NEWS DID
WHEN THEY STARTED TIME MAGAZINE,
WHICH HAS BASICALLY BECOME AN OVERHYPED, ILLUSTRATED BIRDCAGE LINER.
NEWS FOR THE "READER'S DIGEST" BUNCH, I CALL IT.
THE "JUST GIVE US THE GIST OF IT" MAGAZINE
MASQUERADING AS A REAL NEWS OUTLET.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT --
IF IT WEREN'T FOR WAITING ROOMS ALL OVER THE WORLD,
THERE'D BE ABSOLUTELY NO NEED FOR TIME MAGAZINE...AT ALL.
I HATE TIME MAGAZINE! CHERYL, I NEED TEA!
YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF MY ARTICLE.
UM, WHAT ARTICLE?
MY INTERVIEW WITH ASHER FLEMING.
I SKIMMED IT.
I HAVE A COPY IN OUR ROOM.
I'M SURE IT'S GOOD.
BUT STILL, I'D LIKE YOU TO READ IT.
I TRUST YOUR OPINION, AND I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU.
LOOK, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING DINNER ORDERS, SO...
HELLO? HI.
NO PHONE CALLS WHILE YOU'RE WEARING THE HAT!
HOLD ON.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE WHILE YOU'RE WEARING THE HAT.
I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
IT'S A GOOD THING HIGH SCHOOL
HAD ALREADY BEATEN ALL THE SELF-ESTEEM OUT OF ME.
Jason: HOW COULD YOU TALK THROUGH AN ENTIRE MOVIE?
WELL, NOTHING ELSE WAS HAPPENING.
AN ENTIRE MOVIE WAS HAPPENING.
THERE WERE PEOPLE IN COSTUMES AND HORSES.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HORSES.
I DO LIKE HORSES, BUT THEY NEVER LET THEM TALK.
THAT'S BECAUSE THIS WASN'T A TALKING-HORSE MOVIE.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE VIBING MY MOVIE-WATCHING HABITS.
I AM NOT VIBING YOUR HABITS.
I'M MERELY SAYING THAT THE LARGE MAN IN A WIFE ***
SITTING IN FRONT OF US
INVITED ME INTO THE LOBBY TO DISCUSS YOUR HABITS,
AND HAD I ACCEPTED HIS CHARMING INVITATION,
I MIGHT BE IN TRACTION RIGHT NOW.
YOU COULD TOTALLY HAVE OUTRUN HIM.
THANK YOU.
SO, THIS IS YOUR PLACE.
HMM. INTERESTING.
SO, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT A TCHOTCHKE GUY.
I DON'T LIKE TOO MANY OBJECTS AROUND
THAT HAVE NO OBVIOUS PURPOSE.
THE PURPOSE OF TCHOTCHKES IS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
THEY MAKE YOU SMILE.
THEY MAKE A ROOM SEEM FUN AND WHIMSICAL.
I INVITE A CLOWN OVER ONCE A WEEK
TO MAKE THE ROOM FEEL FUN AND WHIMSICAL,
SO I FEEL ALL SET IN THAT DEPARTMENT.
I DO.
OVER THERE.
OH.
HE'S CUTE AND VERY STILL.
YEAH, HE'S THE BEST.
CYRUS.
PERFECT NAME FOR A DOG -- CYRUS.
HI, CYRUS.
YES.
CYRUS WAS ACTUALLY TRAINED BY THE MONKS OF NEW SKETE.
HE'S INCREDIBLY WELL-BEHAVED. HE WAS HOUSEBROKEN IN AN HOUR.
HE HAS A TWO-BARK MINIMUM FOR DELIVERY GUYS,
THREE FOR EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT THE BEST THING ABOUT HIM
IS HE DOESN'T DO ANY OF THE STANDARD "SIT AND LIE DOWN" COMMANDS.
I TAUGHT HIM VERY SPECIAL COMMANDS
THAT ONLY MY DOG COULD KNOW.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE...A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
SHUT UP.
CYRUS, A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
WHAT THE HELL'S THAT GOOD FOR?
WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS "SIT" GOOD FOR?
WHEN YOU SIT, YOU GET A COOKIE.
WELL, WHEN YOU MOVE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT,
YOU GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING,
BUT YOU ARE NOT PANDERING FOR A DOG BONE.
NO, NOT YET.
WE JUST DO A LITTLE TO THE LEFT UNTIL HE HITS THE WALL,
AND THEN I TURN HIM AROUND.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M NOT SURE WE'RE SETTING SUCH A GOOD EXAMPLE
FOR CYRUS OVER THERE.
OH, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
CYRUS...
OKAY.
WELL, THAT ONE, I GET.
EVERY WEEK, YOU ARGUE WITH ME.
DOYLE, IT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD ARTICLE.
WE DON'T DO "PERFECTLY GOOD" HERE.
YOU WANT TO DO "PERFECTLY GOOD," GO TO HARVARD.
***.
CAN YOU BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH THAT?
I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S SOFT SERVE.
I GOT YOUR ICE CREAM.
WHAT IS THIS?
STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM.
IT HAS STRAWBERRIES IN IT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT.
I WANTED PLAIN STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM
WITHOUT CHUNKS OF STRAWBERRIES IN IT.
I SEE ONE.
I CAN'T EAT THIS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GET YOU SOMETHING ELSE?
NO, JUST FORGET IT.
FINE. BRING IT BACK.
ARE YOU OKAY, DOYLE?
YES. WHY WOULDN'T I BE?
YOU JUST SEEM A LITTLE BIT ANNOYED TONIGHT.
I HAVE AN ISSUE TO PUT OUT WITH A BIG HOLE ON THE BACK PAGE,
BECAUSE MY EDITORIAL WRITERS CHOSE TO BE UNOPINIONATED TODAY!
AND THAT'S IT?
AND I GOT REJECTED FOR A JOB AS YALE'S STRINGER
TO TIME MAGAZINE.
OH, SO, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
THIS IS A MAJOR BLOW TO MY CAREER.
YOU'RE 20.
ONE DAY YOU'RE FEELING GOOD, YOU'RE THE FAIR-HAIRED BOY,
AND THE NEXT DAY YOU'RE SCHLEPROCK.
TELL THAT TO MY DAD.
OKAY, I JUST HAVE TO SAY HOW AMAZINGLY UNFAIR IT IS
THAT I HAVE A RUBBER BAND WORKING ITS WAY INTO MY BRAIN,
AND PARIS GETS TO BAIL.
NO, SHE ISN'T.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW SHE LEFT?
I KNEW THAT THERE WAS THIS THING WITH HER FAMILY
THAT SHE WAS REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT.
SHE GOT THAT CALL, AND HER AUNT IS SICK,
AND I HEARD HER SAY SOMETHING ABOUT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL,
SO I THINK THAT'S WHERE SHE WENT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, COME GET ME THE MINUTE SHE GETS BACK.
I WILL.
Lorelai: HEY, DO YOU HAVE A COSMO LYING AROUND?
I WANT TO SEE HOW MANY CALORIES I JUST BURNED OFF.
IT'S 55.
OH, NO, IT'S WAY MORE THAN 55.
I KNOW WHAT 55 IS, AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS NOT 55.
THANKS.
ARE YOU COLD? I COULD TURN UP THE HEAT.
OH, PLEASE, ENOUGH WITH THE BRAGGING.
[ CHUCKLES ] SO, YOU'RE GOOD?
I'M GOOD. [ SIGHS ]
I'M GONNA FALL ASLEEP EXTREMELY HAPPY TONIGHT.
HI BACK.
ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT JOINING ME BACK HERE ANYTIME SOON?
JOINING YOU? WELL...
JASON?
OKAY, JUST REMEMBER, YOU LIKE THAT I HAVE LITTLE QUIRKS.
OKAY.
THEY'RE WHAT MAKE ME ME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA ASK TO WEAR MY DRESS, ARE YOU?
[ CHUCKLES ] NO.
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
SLEEPING IN THE GUEST ROOM TONIGHT.
WELL...DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
I AM THE WORLD'S LIGHTEST SLEEPER.
I HAVE CHRONIC INSOMNIA,
SO I TOSS AND I TURN LIKE A CRAZY PERSON,
AND I CAN'T SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH ANOTHER PERSON.
YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO GO IN THE GUEST ROOM?
IT'S A REALLY NICE ROOM.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T I JUST GO?
OH, NO, NO, PLEASE, I SWEAR, I WANT YOU TO STAY.
I WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
I WANT YOU TO BE HERE WHEN I GET UP.
WELL, NOT HERE. IN THERE.
JASON, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
JUST TO GET ME TO LEAVE.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE.
I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH.
THIS IS THE TRUTH.
I HAVE THINGS I NEED TO DO TOMORROW.
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO HOME ANYHOW.
PLEASE, JUST LOOK AT THE ROOM.
JUST ONE LOOK. A PEEK.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO USE BOTH EYES IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
[ SIGHS ]
ONE LOOK.
THAT'S ALL I ASK.
WELL, THAT AND YOU GET OUT OF THE BED VERY SLOWLY.
DON'T FLIRT WITH ME. I'M FINDING YOU WEIRD RIGHT NOW.
HERE YOU GO.
HERE IT IS.
IT'S OKAY.
THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF GREAT BOOKS IN HERE,
RANGING FROM THE CLASSICS -- "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" --
TO THE REAL CLASSICS -- "VALLEY OF THE DOLLS."
NICE TASTE.
FULLY LOADED MINIBAR, SODA, CANDY, LITTLE BOTTLES OF ***,
A REALLY GREAT CD PLAYER, CDs DOWN BELOW,
AND A DVD LIBRARY ABOVE.
AHA.
OH, COME ON, THAT IS COOL.
OKAY, FINE, IT'S COOL. THE ROOM IS GOOD.
IT'S BETTER THAN "GOOD." I WOULD LOVE THIS ROOM.
YOU DO KNOW YOU CAN HAVE IT, DON'T YOU?
I CAN'T HAVE ANY DISTRACTIONS IN MY ROOM,
OR I WON'T SLEEP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TV, READING MATERIAL, UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS WOMAN.
I SHOULD AT LEAST GET BILLING OVER THE TV.
OH, RIGHT.
WELL...
THERE'S KIEHL'S PRODUCTS IN THE BATHROOM.
JASON, I PROMISE, IF I LEAVE, IT WON'T BE THAT BIG A DEAL.
IT'LL BE A VERY BIG DEAL TO ME.
PLEASE. STAY.
YES?
YES. FREAK.
THANK YOU.
EVEN FOR THE "FREAK," THANK YOU.
THERE'S A LOOFAH IN THE TOP DRAWER.
Jason: GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ GIGGLES ]
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
WHEW. IT'S LATE. [ CHUCKLES ]
LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE, LATE.
DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW WHERE I WAS?
NO, I DON'T.
I COMPLETELY LOST TRACK OF TIME.
I SHOULD REMEMBER TO TAKE A WATCH WITH ME FROM NOW ON.
MAN, WHEN I GOT THAT CALL TONIGHT,
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS GONNA GO THIS LATE.
YES, IT WAS QUITE A NIGHT.
TONIGHT.
YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHERE I WAS?
NO, I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHERE YOU WERE,
AND I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING
OR WHO YOU WERE DOING IT WITH.
I HAD TO COVER FOR YOU WHEN DOYLE NOTICED YOU WERE GONE,
SO I TOLD HIM YOU WERE AT A FAMILY THING.
AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THAT'S WHERE YOU WERE --
AT YOUR FAMILY THING.
AND IN THE FUTURE, I WANT NOTHING TO DO
WITH ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU WERE DOING TONIGHT
OR WHO YOU WERE DOING IT WITH, ESPECIALLY WHO.
NOW, GO TO SLEEP.
I SMELL LIKE PIPE TOBACCO.
OH, JEEZ.
[ FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRS ]
HI, CYRUS.
OH, GOOD.
LISTEN, WOULD YOU STILL FIND ME ATTRACTIVE IF I WERE POOR?
UM, NO.
AW, THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED. SLEEP GOOD?
I WATCHED "THE DAILY SHOW,"
FELL INTO THE BEST SLEEP I'VE EVER HAD,
WOKE UP, WATCHED "FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH,"
AND HAD A VANILLA-SCENTED JACUZZI BATH.
OH, SO, THAT'S WHAT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE IS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM SEX WITH ME.
NO, IT'S FROM THE JACUZZI BATH.
GOOD MORNING.
THANK YOU.
COFFEE SMELLS GOOD.
HEY, CAN WE NOT SLEEP TOGETHER AGAIN TONIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY.
WHY NOT?
MMM, GOOD.
I THINK WE'RE READY TO GO.
WOW, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE HERE.
WELL, I AM TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU.
TRUST ME, ONCE YOU'RE COMPLETELY MAD ABOUT ME,
IT IS BACK TO CORN FLAKES AND BEER.
THIS IS LOVELY.
YOU ARE LOVELY.
VERY GOOD.
TOMORROW I'LL MAKE BLINTZES.
UM, LISTEN, WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
ABOUT WHAT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
WHAT WE'RE GONNA, UH, SAY TO PEOPLE ABOUT US.
HOW ABOUT "YAHOO"?
I'M TALKING ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA SAY TO MY PARENTS ABOUT US.
I THOUGHT WE'D SAY THAT WE'RE HAVING
REPEATED *** ENCOUNTERS OUT OF WEDLOCK, CONTINUOUSLY,
AS CATHOLIC SCHOOLCHILDREN ARE WALKING BY.
NO, YOU KNOW, WE LIKE EACH OTHER, WE'RE DATING --
PRETTY SIMPLE.
NOTHING IS SIMPLE WHEN IT COMES TO MY PARENTS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY?
NOTHING?
IT ISN'T REALLY ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS ANYHOW, IS IT?
NO, BUT WE CAN'T JUST SAY NOTHING.
IT'LL CAUSE TOO MANY PROBLEMS IF THEY KNOW.
IN MY EXPERIENCE, THESE THINGS HAVE A WAY OF COMING OUT.
I DON'T KNOW. SOMEBODY SLIPS UP.
I'M NON-SLIP, LIKE ONE OF THOSE RUBBER MATS YOU STICK IN THE BOTTOM OF THE TUB.
WHY CAN'T WE TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS?
I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD.
YOU'RE IN BUSINESS WITH MY FATHER, AND HE WON'T LIKE THIS.
MY FATHER HAS NEVER GOTTEN USED TO ANYTHING.
HE STILL MISSES DIESEL FUEL.
YOU DON'T FIND IT EXHAUSTING, KEEPING SECRETS?
YOU HAVE TO WATCH EVERYTHING YOU SAY.
I ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH EVERYTHING I SAY AROUND MY PARENTS ANYWAY.
HOW ABOUT WE JUST TELL ONE OF THEM, JUST TO SEE HOW THAT GOES?
JASON, WE WILL TELL THEM EVENTUALLY, I PROMISE.
JUST NOT NOW.
OKAY, THEY'RE YOUR PARENTS,
AND IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY, THEN WE'LL WAIT.
THANK YOU.
HEY, CAN I FEED THIS TO CYRUS?
HEY, CYRUS, YOU WANT THE BACON?
THAT IS ONE STRANGE DOG, JASON.
EXCUSE ME, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER IT'S GOING ON?
NO. UH...
ARE WE TOO LATE?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I DON'T HAVE A TICKET.
YOU CAN'T TAKE THE TOUR WITHOUT A TICKET.
EXCUSE ME, DORRIE, THIS IS MY DAUGHTER.
OH! WELL, HELLO THERE.
COME IN, LORELAI.
BYE.
MOM, WHAT IS GOING ON?
WE LET THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY USE OUR HOUSE FOR A WALKING TOUR.
IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, AND I AM NEVER DOING IT AGAIN.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO END AT 5:00, EMILY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, THROW THEM OUT?
THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S DONE.
THIS IS NOT HOW PROPER CHARITIES WORK.
YOU DO NOT INFRINGE ON PEOPLE'S LIVES.
YOU MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.
THEY HIRED ACTORS TO BE THE FAMILY.
WE ARE NOT ACTORS!
RICHARD, PLEASE.
Dorrie: THIS IS NOT PART OF THE TOUR. SORRY, EMILY.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DORRIE.
IT IS NOT ALL RIGHT, DORRIE.
RICHARD, JUST IGNORE IT AND PASS THE CARROTS.
THIS IS LUNACY. I FEEL AS IF I WAS IN A ZOO.
DAD, YOU KNOW WHAT MONKEYS DO
WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE STARING AT THEM IN THE ZOO?
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO.
I CAN JUST TELL.
DON'T PLAY THAT PIANO! DON'T YOU SEE THE SIGN?
THERE IS A SIGN.
WELL, IT'S NOT A VERY GOOD SIGN.
Dorrie: THE HOUSE WAS BUILT IN 1906 BY STANFORD WHITE.
THAT'S IT.
THE HOUSE WAS BUILT IN 1907,
AND HE WAS A PROTéGé OF STANFORD WHITE.
I'M GETTING A MIGRAINE.
YES, I AM.
THANK YOU.
NOW YOU GOT TO GET YOURSELF A NICKNAME LIKE SMITTY
AND START TALKING REALLY FAST.
WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Emily: WHAT WHERE YOU GOING TO DO, HIT THE MAN?
HE WAS 85 YEARS OLD!
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN A LESSON.
THIS IS IT, EMILY. I MEAN IT.
I KNOW YOU DO, RICHARD.
THE NEXT TIME YOU PLAN A FUNCTION,
WE WILL RENT A HALL AND DO IT PROPERLY,
LIKE THE FIBROMYALGIA FUNCTION LAST NIGHT.
THAT IS THE PROPER WAY TO RAISE MONEY.
YOU WENT TO A FUNCTION LAST NIGHT...
WE DIDN'T HOST THE ONE LAST NIGHT.
WE WERE JUST GUESTS. IT WAS FINE.
IT WASN'T HERE. IT WAS PERFECT.
THE FOOD WAS TERRIBLE.
THE FACT THAT PEOPLE STILL INSIST ON SERVING PAELLA
IS SIMPLY BEYOND ME.
HOWEVER, THE ROOM LOOKED LOVELY.
AND THE MUSIC WAS EXCELLENT.
AND THE GUEST LIST WAS VERY GOOD --
EMILY!
WOULD IT HAVE HURT THE WOMAN TO BUY AN UNDERGARMENT?
[ GASPS ] WHO?
SHE WAS A VERY NICE GIRL.
I WOULDN'T REQUEST TO SEE HER THESIS ON ANYTHING,
BUT SHE WAS CHARMING AND A GOOD DANCER.
WHO'S THE DUMB GIRL WITHOUT THE UNDERWEAR?
JASON'S DATE.
JASON BROUGHT A DATE?
AND I HAD TO SIT NEXT TO HER ALL NIGHT.
OH, THE FASCINATING TIME WE HAD.
I KNOW ALL THE BEST PLACES TO GET MY ACRYLICS FILLED.
YOUR MOTHER IS A SNOB. SHE WAS QUITE BEAUTIFUL.
SHE WAS, HUH?
SHE'S PERFECT FOR JASON.
SO, HOW BEAUTIFUL WAS SHE?
ARE WE TALKING CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
OR THE WEIRD-LOOKING HILTON SISTER?
SHE LOOKS LIKE EXACTLY THE KIND OF GOLD DIGGER
WHO WOULD LATCH ONTO AN IMMATURE LITTLE CON ARTIST LIKE JASON.
MY GOODNESS, EMILY, TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT THE BOY.
BUT WHEN YOU SAY "GOLD DIGGER,"
DO YOU MEAN SHE WAS CHEAP-LOOKING?
NO.
WHO CAN TELL?
SHE LOOKS LIKE A PERFECTLY FINE FIRST WIFE FOR HIM.
NOW THE OLD MAN IS JUST BAITING ME.
WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT THE RECEPTION AREA OVER THERE.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY OFFICE IS GOING TO BE.
FONZIE USED THE BATHROOM AS HIS OFFICE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT WHAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE FONZ
ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
FONZIE USED THAT BATHROOM OFFICE ONLY INTERMITTENTLY
AND NOT FOR ANY BUSINESS FOR WHICH HE WAS PAID.
HE HAD USE OF A PRIVATE OFFICE AT THE AUTO SHOP HE WORKED AT,
THEN ACCESS TO THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE
WHERE HE TAUGHT NIGHT SCHOOL PART TIME.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS FONZIE THING WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS ON MY WAY TO NEW YORK,
AND I WANTED TO SEE THIS INN YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.
OH, WELL, UH, SURE.
HELLO, I'M SOOKIE.
SOOKIE IS MY PARTNER HERE.
HI, SOOKIE, I'M JASON STILES.
YES, YOU ARE.
MICHEL GERARD.
MICHEL IS THE MANAGER OF THE DRAGONFLY.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA SHOW JASON AROUND.
FOLLOW ME.
YOUR FRIENDS SEEM REALLY NICE.
OH, THEY'RE THE BEST.
SO, WHO DO THEY THINK I AM?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DID YOU TELL THEM WE'RE DATING, OR DO THEY THINK I MAKE YOUR HATS?
THIS PLACE IS REALLY GREAT.
I DO.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
DID I COME AT A BAD TIME?
NO, YOU CAME AT A PERFECT TIME.
I HEARD YOU WENT TO A FUNCTION LAST NIGHT.
AH, FIBROMYALGIA -- A VERY DULL DISEASE.
NO, I DIDN'T.
SO, YOU BROUGHT A DATE?
YES, I DID.
OKAY, GOOD. WELL, I'M GLAD.
MY MOTHER SAID SHE DIDN'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR.
EMILY DIDN'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR?
YOUR DATE DIDN'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW THAT FOR A FACT, BUT IF EMILY SAID SO,
FAR BE IT FOR ME TO CALL HER A LIAR.
UH, OKAY, HEY, YOU WANNA SEE THE STABLES?
WELL, THERE THEY ARE. WELL, TOUR'S OVER.
BATHROOM'S TO THE LEFT.
YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE BOTHERED ABOUT?
WE'RE SLEEPING TOGETHER,
AND YOU'RE TAKING BARE-BUTTED WOMEN TO FUNCTIONS?
CRYSTAL IS JUST A FRIEND --
A FRIEND NAMED CRYSTAL?
WHO ARE YOU? HUGH HEFNER?
WHOA, WAIT A SEC.
I WOULD HAVE MUCH RATHER TAKEN YOU TO THAT FUNCTION.
CRYSTAL IS VERY SWEET, BUT THE MOCKING OF THE SICK
IS COMPLETELY BEYOND HER CAPABILITIES.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOUR PARENTS
WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT US.
AND SINCE THIS IS A FUNCTION YOUR PARENTS WOULD BE ATTENDING,
I THOUGHT TAKING YOU WOULD BE OUT OF THE QUESTION.
YOU COULD HAVE GONE ALONE.
THERE ARE TWO SEATS, AND YOU'RE EXPECTED TO FILL THEM.
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME SO I WASN'T BLINDSIDED BY MY PARENTS.
THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT KEEPING SECRETS.
IT NEVER WORKS. LET'S JUST TELL YOUR PARENTS.
THEN WE NEVER HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.
I AM IN A BUSINESS WHERE THERE ARE LOTS OF FUNCTIONS.
I HAVE TO GO TO THOSE FUNCTIONS,
AND I DON'T WANT TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE,
BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
IF YOU WON'T LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR FATHER.
I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SPENDING A SECOND OF MY TIME
WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN BUT YOU, AND EARTHA KITT.
WELL, SURE.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CAN WE END THE MADNESS AND TELL YOUR PARENTS?
NO?
I KNOW IT'S TRICKY TO KEEP THIS A SECRET,
BUT I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S TIME TO TELL THEM YET.
IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO ADJUST, THEN I HAVE TO ADJUST.
NOW THAT YOU'VE TOLD ME HOW YOU FEEL,
I THINK IT'S FINE IF YOU TAKE CRYSTAL TO THESE FUNCTIONS.
FINE FOR YOU -- YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO THE WOMAN.
MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S LIKE BEATING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL WITH SPIKES.
WANNA SEE THE APPLE TREES?
SHE THINKS THAT BABE CAN REALLY TALK.
CONTEMPORARY POLITICAL FICTION?
YES.
I SWORE THIS SEMESTER WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
I WOULD GET TO CLASS ON TIME.
I WOULD FINISH MY ASSIGNMENTS ON TIME.
I WOULD DO EVERYTHING ON TIME.
I LEFT MY PURSE ON THE BENCH.
UGH!
I HAVEN'T STARTED SPEAKING YET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ASHER FLEMING IS TEACHING THIS COURSE?
I KNOW. ISN'T IT COOL?
AH, WELL...
RORY GILMORE.
WE MEET AGAIN.
HELLO, PROFESSOR FLEMING.
YES, I AM.
WONDERFUL. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
AFTER ALL, IT SEEMS VERY NATURAL, DOESN'T IT?
ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU AND I
HAVE SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT IN COMMON --
YOUR GRANDFATHER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YES, SIR, VERY GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S GET SETTLED.
THE CLASS IS CONTEMPORARY POLITICAL FICTION.
I AM PROFESSOR FLEMING.
ALL THOSE IN THE WRONG CLASS, PLEASE LEAVE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CLASS?
IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY A GOOD ARGUMENT,
IF YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO VOICE A DIFFERING OPINION,
AND IF YOU CANNOT APPRECIATE AN INTELLIGENTLY CLOAKED INSULT,
THEN YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CLASS.
IF ALL OF THESE THINGS APPEAL TO YOU,
THEN YOU ARE IN FOR AN INTERESTING SEMESTER.
I'LL BE HANDING OUT THE READING LISTS.
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
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