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1
(keyboard keys click rapidly)
(sighs)
Whatever.
(computer chimes)
(printer whirring)
(whirring)
So long, girl next door.
(doorbell rings)
Mom.
What are you doing here?
Oh, Kristen said
you were blue, so
Mommy's come to make it
all better.
I-I appreciate
your concern,
but I-I just
want to be alone.
No, you want to be with Wilfred.
You know, some people believe
that animals choose us.
They come into our lives
when we desperately need them,
and they help us
find our way to happiness.
And when they die,
they're not really gone.
They just move on
to someone else.
Where did you hear that?
I don't know.
It's-it's just a silly idea.
I don't I don't
believe it anymore.
Anymore?
Maybe you do need
some alone time.
I'm gonna let you
grieve in peace.
Did you ever find
my baby pictures?
Oh, shoot, I forgot
to look for them.
I'll-I'll I'll go
do that right now.
You don't have any.
That's why I've never seen them.
Why are you lying?
Lying? Oh, honestly, Ryan.
I know about The Flock
of the Grey Shepherd.
There was a time
when your father and I
were very happy together.
So, what happened?
Kristen.
I mean, it's not her fault,
but now we had a family,
and he felt like he needed
to grow his practice,
and he needed me to
be a lawyer's wife.
I tried, but I never fit in.
Henry and I started to fight.
I was so miserable,
I just wanted out.
So you joined a cult?
It wasn't a cult, at least
at least not at first.
When I met Charles, he
was just this amazing man
who listened to me.
(crying):
He said
he could help me find
unimaginable happiness.
And I wanted that so badly.
So I took Kristen,
and we joined
Charles' community.
(sighs heavily)
We were there for three years.
Three years?
But how did you and Dad have me?
Dad isn't my father.
Jesus, Mom!
I was in love.
I made a mistake.
I-I-I'm crazy!
We all know this!
(sniffles)
Charles started to
have revelations.
He said ancient
gods spoke to him.
He said a dog god would appear
to a Chosen One
and would then lead him
to happiness,
and then, that Chosen One
would be a prophet.
He started having these bizarre
fertility rituals.
We were all drunk on mescal
and dandelion wine.
He called them
"feasts of carnality.
"
And then, when you were born,
Charles said
you were the one
we'd been waiting for.
The Chosen One.
He said you needed
to be protected,
and he even started
to restrict my access to you.
I was scared.
He wouldn't let us go.
I wrote to Henry.
He went to the police,
and Charles was arrested.
The community was abandoned,
and Henry
he insisted on adopting you.
(sniffles)
He even agreed to
represent Charles
on his tax evasion charges
if he'd renounce all
parental claims to you.
Charles died in prison.
Henry never wanted
you to know about him.
He forgave me, but I
couldn't forgive myself.
I had to go.
Am I boring you?
What?
Um no.
Uh I need to lie down.
Do you hate me?
Of course not, Mom.
I'm just glad I know the truth.
Every mother
thinks her son is special
but you really are.
(sniffles)
Even though
you're not a prophet.
(laughs quietly)
(Catherine sniffles)
WILFRED (echoey):
Hey, Ryan.
(sighs)
Wilfred?
(echoey):
Over here, mate.
(laughs) You look like ***.
We can talk later.
(water gurgling) Wait.
How?
What?
(echoey):
Lights out, Ryan.
(sighs)
(bird singing)
(sighs)
(sighs)
Good morning.
Or should I say, good afternoon?
That was quite a nap you took.
But you were dead.
I-I thought
I'd never see you again.
Yeah, 'cause you
thought all that stuff
about me being a god
was a crock of ***.
Now do you believe?
You really are Mataman?
Well, I'm not
Jesus Christ, and
as far as I know,
he was the only other dude
who managed to pull
off a resurrection.
Speaking of god
tricks, check this out.
Ah.
(dove cooing)
Like to see Jesus do that.
So it's true.
I'm the Chosen One.
Which means I'm not crazy.
It's all real!
I'm not crazy, Wilf
Ah, gross.
I wasn't dead for long,
barely enough time to
see a few old friends.
Dennis, of course.
I looked around for Jellybeans,
but apparently, they already
sent him back as a dolphin,
which, when you think about
it, totally makes sense.
Ryan?
So sorry about Wilfred.
Thanks, Margot.
(clicks her tongue)
So, you're a ghost?
Not exactly.
I'm between host bodies.
I need to move on to
my next Chosen One.
His name is Nazeem,
which should be, you
know, interesting.
Anyway, Nazeem doesn't
bottom out till Thursday,
so I thought I'd stop by
and do a victory lap.
So, you came to bask
in the happiness
that you brought me and Jenna?
Exactly.
Where is she, by the way?
Wisconsin with Drew.
Ah-ha.
Good one.
Seriously.
Seriously.
She dumped me.
She can't do that to me!
To you?
Ryan, it was my godly duty
to lead you to happiness.
She's screwed up everything!
Don't be so *** yourself.
I don't think I'm
capable of being happy.
***! I just
I just made a miscalculation
with Jenna.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
Ah.
All right, okay.
Happiness.
Ryan.
Come on, Mataman,
you can do this.
(sighs)
What would make Ryan happy?
Got it.
Got what?
Ryan, I'm gonna lead you
to happiness right now.
Let's go get your car.
We're driving to happiness?
We've been driving for hours.
We're close, mate.
Happiness is very, very,
very close.
(scoffs)
What-What's that?
That derisive grunt?
What-what does that mean?
You're a god, right?
Well, I did rise
from the dead, yeah.
Well, then, I guess you
should know what that means.
It doesn't work that way.
It doesn't work at all.
I mean, if you're a god,
why didn't you know the
truth about my father?
You didn't even
know you were a god.
Admit it, you have no
idea where we're going.
Yes, I do.
I just can't tell you.
Because you don't know.
Oh, I know!
***!
Something's not right.
Ryan,
you have to trust me.
If you want me
to trust you, why won't you
tell me where we're going?!
It's called dramatic effect!
Seriously?!
I've had enough of this ***!
Tell me right now--
where are we going?
We're here.
I know this place.
Look familiar, mate?
Wilfred what's inside?
MAN:
Stop right there.
Turn around then, nice and slow.
Uh
my-my car broke down,
and my-my cell phone's dead,
so I was just
looking for a phone.
Sorry about the shotgun.
This far out of town,
you can't be too careful.
I understand.
I'll just use your phone
and be on my way.
Okay, then.
Come on, Krunny.
Let's give the man some privacy.
Yeah.
Hi, is this the auto club?
Yeah, my car broke down
on route
Hello, Ryan,
I always hoped you'd come looking for me.
You know, that was
the first baby picture
of myself I'd ever seen.
Well, I got a few more
I can show you.
(keys jingling)
That's my mom.
And Kristen.
When I first met her, she was so
deeply unhappy.
I wanted to save her.
These were some of
the community elders.
The Native
American guy--
that's Bill.
Grew the best weed
in California.
And, uh, Theo.
He was our historian,
took most of the pictures
you see in this book.
And Evan--
he was our liaison
with the outside world.
Bruce?
No, that's Shane.
He always played
the evil god in our rituals.
Krungel.
Right.
He always was a troublemaker
and he still is.
He's been putting the
squeeze on your dad,
threatening to tell you
all about me
if your dad doesn't
keep paying him off.
That cat is finally
out of the bag.
Who is that guy?
That's Richard.
He always played
the good god, Mataman.
A real prick.
Nobody liked him.
Very preachy,
always telling other people
how to live their lives.
That's you and me?
When I signed the papers
giving up all rights to you,
I asked your dad if I could
see you one last time.
That's it.
Your dad
is a good, good man.
He was killed in a car accident.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know about you
until this morning.
My mom said you died in prison.
That's what I wanted
Henry to tell her.
I figured if she
thought I was dead,
she'd really get on
with her life.
I didn't want her
clinging to some
fantasy love affair
with some crazy man.
You don't seem crazy.
(soft chuckle) Son
I'm all kinds of nuts.
The only thing that keeps me
from bouncing off padded walls
is I've discovered
the one, true god.
And I take half a dozen
pharmaceuticals.
These days
the craziest thing I do
is talk to my dog.
Does he ever talk back?
Not for a long, long time.
And for that, I am grateful.
So
The Flock of the Grey Shepherd?
(sighs)
I wasn't trying to fool anybody.
I believed all that
crazy *** I was saying.
Your mom did me a favor
by getting Henry involved.
He saved me from myself.
So
I'm not the Chosen One?
CHARLES:
There is no Chosen One.
There's no dog god.
I just made all that up.
All just the insane creation
of a very sick mind.
(Ryan and Wilfred laughing)
(indistinct, speedy chatter)
(distorted laugh)
(distorted): What Is
this your shock collar?
(buzzing) Aah!
Wilfred, stop.
(gurgling)
(panting)
*** it, Wilfred.
WILFRED:
Well?
Get away from me.
Okay, you're upset.
You want to tell me why?
You're not real.
None of this is real.
That's ridiculous.
Can you hear yourself talking?
Just stay the hell away from me.
Well, you can't
just leave me here.
Ryan.
Ryan!
Ryan.
Wait.
Let's talk about this.
Ryan!
Ryan!
WILFRED:
You little ***.
It took me all
night to walk home.
My pads are bloody stumps.
Oh, what, you're
gonna ignore me, now?
Really?
You gonna ignore this?
He's not real.
He's not real.
(engine starts)
He's not real.
He's not real.
***.
Morning, Ryan.
WILFRED:
Excuse me, miss?
Miss?
I-I've been waiting here
patiently for about a week now.
I'm here to see Ryan Newman.
I just need five
minutes of his time.
Okay, okay, I'll wait.
Ryan.
Please.
Ryan! It's me,
Wilfred!
Ryan!
Ryan! Ryan!
Ryan!
KRISTEN:
Ryan?
Sorry.
You were saying?
Things are going really
well for me at the clinic.
It's weird, I spent years
bringing babies into this world
and I was miserable, and
now that I'm doing
you know, the opposite,
it's really fulfilling.
That is weird.
What I'm saying is,
I know how tough it is
to be a single mom.
And even though I'm great at it,
it's not the right
choice for everyone.
I'm helping these women
at the most difficult
time in their lives.
Well, that does sound rewarding.
It is.
These women need me.
Because, you know,
not everybody is lucky enough
to have a brother like you
to help them get
their *** together.
Thank you.
I'm glad you're happy.
I wish you were.
I'm okay.
Yeah?
I mean, I'm not unhappy.
I'm just normal.
That's not good enough, Ryan.
Everybody deserves happiness.
What would make you happy?
Excuse me.
(laughs):
Where are you going?
Wilfred?
Wilfred.
I miss you, Wilfred.
Without you,
my life is so ordinary
and flat and dull.
I need to know
that you're still here.
Please, just give me a sign
to let me know that
(sniffs)
Oh, God.
Wilfred.
That'd be right, blame the dog.
Oh, thank God.
Ever since you've been gone
I-I feel like I've been
holding my breath.
Well, if that trouser
cough is any indication,
I can understand why.
You know that's all you, right?
I do now.
Wilfred, I want you
to stay, but
we can't go back to the way things were.
You mean,
I tell you the right
thing to do, you ignore me,
so I make your life a living
hell until you have no choice
but to do the thing I told you
to do in the first place?
Basically, yeah.
Maybe you could pay attention
to the wisdom
your best mate has to offer.
Okay.
And maybe, sometimes,
if I need you to lay low
More nap time for me,
I'm not gonna argue with that.
Man, I'm busting for a
***.
I haven't had a walk
for, like, five weeks.
Would you mind if
Okay.
Let me grab a sweatshirt.
Grab your sweatshirt, yeah.
Huh.
So, where do you go
when you're not around?
I just hang out in your head.
You know, sometimes I'll
check out your hippocampus,
see what I can find.
Uh, for example, I just
across that incident
when you walked in
on your Uncle Larry.
Yikes.
What incident?
You know, when you were
six and you walked in
and he turned around,
but it was too late
because he was already there.
Already where?
There.
Oh, ***.
You repressed that.
My bad.
Whoops.
Wait, what are you
talking about?
Oh, nothing, I just
made all that up.
Oh, God.
Sorry, mate, I can't put that
one back where I found it.
Ugh
So my iPod wasn't stolen?
Nope, nope.
You set it down
on the men's room counter
at The Bungalow when you were
washing your hands
and you just forgot about it.
I-I just left it there?
I don't remember doing that.
You may not remember it,
but that's what happened.
Trust me.
It's all in there.
Huh.
Who did I loan my
Polanski box set to?
Jamie Fowler.
Jamie Fowler.
Of course.
What's that?
I think that's a question
you can answer for yourself.