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How to Bluff Your Way through an IRS Audit. So your creative accounting has finally caught
up with you. Now you’re going to really have to use your noodle if you’re going
to survive the audit. You will need Pounds of paperwork The right clothes The ability
to speak fast Faux sincerity and people to betray. Step 1. Gather all documentation—and
by that we mean put together as many cartons of paperwork as you can, no matter how irrelevant.
On D-day, have everything delivered to your auditor in a trailer. Take any smoking guns—like
the W-2 that proves you made $156,000, not the $15,600 you claimed—and make them too
gross to handle. A few smudges or stains—or the strategically placed booger—will deter
close examination. Step 2. Dress for success—or, in your case, to confound. Auditors spend
their days adrift in a bland sea of paperwork. Be a bright spot in their dull day. Step 3.
When the auditor begins asking questions, try repeating “No comprendo” over and
over. Or start asking him questions about his taxes. Step 4. If the “no speak English”
thing doesn’t work out, try the opposite—speak so fast that the auditor can’t catch a word
of what you’re saying. Step 5. When confronted with incontrovertible proof that you willfully
misrepresented your earnings, say that you are not trying to deceive the government;
you are protesting the tax laws. Not unlike those noble folks who threw the Boston Tea
Party, thank you very much. Step 6. If the auditor is not buying your patriotic ploy,
throw loved ones under the bus. Offer to tip off the to ten tax cheats in return for immunity.
Step 7. While waiting for the to get back to you—they have 28 months to decide your
fate—take a weight training class. It will stand you in good stead if you’re not lucky
enough to be sent to Club Fed. Did you know About half the people who appeal an auditor’s
findings get their tax bill reduced.