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>> TODAY ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
BECAME GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA.
>> TODAY SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS BEEN
CAPTURED.
>> A SPOKESPERSON SAID IT'S ALL
BUT MIRACULOUS THE ILLUSIONIST
IS STILL ALIVE AFTER HE WAS
ATTACKED BY ONE OF HIS TIGERS.
>> ♪ YEAH ♪
[ CHEERING ]
>> Piper: HEY, HEY!
>> MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY
WEEKEND -- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.
>> Both: TIME TO GET OUR DRINK
ON!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> YEAH, RIGHT? [ LAUGHS ]
IT'S HILARIOUS.
>> Piper: UH, SORRY, GUYS.
IT'S LADIES' NIGHT.
>> AW, COME ON -- ONE DANCE.
THANK YOU.
HEY, MY DAD OWNS A CONSTRUCTION
COMPANY.
>> OOH, COMMERCIAL OR
RESIDENTIAL?
>> COMMERCIAL ALL THE WAY, BABY.
>> AHH!
>> Piper: LEAVE US ALONE!
>> OH, HEY.
NO ONE'S TOUCHING YOU ON
PURPOSE.
>> Piper: WHY NOT?
>> OH, IT'S JUST ME AND MY BOYS,
WE DON'T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
HAVE A GREAT TIME, THOUGH.
>> WHOO!
>> OH, NO, NO. EXCUSE ME.
REMEMBER TWO SECONDS AGO I WAS
JUST ASKING YOU JUST TO MOVE?
THANKS. PERFECT.
JUST RIGHT THERE.
OH, PLEASE.
>> Piper: WHOO!
>> NO, NO, NO.
HE'S AN EXCHANGE STUDENT.
I THINK YOU JUST KIND OF FREAK
HIM OUT.
M-L-K!
[ CROWD CHANTS "M-L-K!" ]
[ CROWD GASPS ]
WHOA! NOT COOL, MAN.
THIS VERY UNATTRACTIVE GIRL IS
CRAZY.
>> Piper: I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I
AM VERY ATTRACTIVE.
[ SIREN WAILS ]
>> COPS ARE COMING.
I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF *** IN MY
BAG.
I CAN'T GO BACK TO JAIL.
>> Kove: COME WITH ME.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.
>> Piper: WHO ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?
>> BYE, GIRLIE!
SORRY THEY DIDN'T FIND YOU
ATTRACTIVE.
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
>> Piper: ARE YOU, LIKE, FRIENDS
WITH MY MOM?
>> DIEGO!
>> ♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH ♪
>> DIEGO!
>> Piper: SO WHAT'S, LIKE, YOUR
DEAL?
>> Kove: I'M A SPECIAL AGENT.
>> Piper: AGENT?
AS IN "MODELING AGENT"?
>> Kove: I'M PART OF AN ELITE
NATIONAL TERRORISM STRIKE FORCE,
LOCATED HERE IN SAN DIEGO.
AND WE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOU A
MEMBER OF OUR TEAM.
>> Piper: WHY ME?
>> Kove: YOU FIT A PROFILE, AND
THAT MADE YOU A VERY ATTRACTIVE
CANDIDATE FOR US.
>> Piper: YOU THINK I'M
ATTRACTIVE?
>> Kove: WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL
YOU IS CLASSIFIED.
SO YOU ARE NOT TO TELL A SINGLE
SOUL.
IF YOU DO, YOU COULD BE
ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF
INNOCENT HUMAN BEINGS.
>> Piper: SO YOU DO THINK I'M
ATTRACTIVE.
>> Kove: HAVE YOU NOTICED THE
LARGE AMOUNT OF KOREAN NAIL
SALONS IN TOWN?
>> Piper: UH, YOU TELL ME.
>> Kove: UNFORTUNATELY, THAT
FRENCH-TIP MANICURE IS HELPING
FUND ANTI-AMERICAN
STATE-SANCTIONED TERRORISTS.
>> Piper: WELL...
[ SIGHS ]
I MEAN, I NEVER TIP THEM, SO...
>> Kove: EVER HEAR OF A COUNTRY
CALLED WEST KOREA?
>> Piper: NO. WHERE IS IT?
>> Kove: IT'S IN THE WESTERN
PART OF KOREA.
RUN BY COMMUNIST DICTATOR AND
UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX GRADUATE
BYUNG HYUNG SHA.
THE NAIL SALONS ARE A FRONT.
THEY'RE USING OUR MANI/PEDI CASH
TO ACQUIRE INDUSTRIAL AMOUNTS OF
TOXIC CHEMICALS.
THEY'RE NEARING COMPLETION OF A
DIRTY BOMB AS WE SPEAK, FILLED
WITH SO MUCH ACRYLIC DUST AND
BUTYLPHENOL FORMALDEHYDE IT
COULD KILL US ALL.
AND THEY'RE LOCATED HERE --
BOOM BOOM NAIL.
WE SENT IN ONE OF OUR TOP AGENTS
FOR A CUTICLE TRIM, AND HE NEVER
CAME OUT.
>> Piper: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO GET HIM?
>> Kove: BECAUSE HE'S MY
HUSBAND.
ALSO, I HAVE TO GO TO A BABY
SHOWER.
DO YOU SPEAK KOREAN?
>> Piper: WELL...
[ SCOFFS ]
I MEAN, I TOOK TWO YEARS OF
SPANISH, BUT I LITERALLY
REMEMBER NOTHING.
>> Kove: IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
ROBOT S.A.M.!
>> HELLO. I AM S.A.M.
>> Piper: COOL!
IS THIS ROBOT GONNA, LIKE,
IMPLANT A CHIP IN MY BRAIN SO
THAT I CAN SPEAK KOREAN?
>> Kove: NO.
YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK.
>> Piper: UGH!
I HAVE TO MEMORIZE THIS ENTIRE
BOOK?
UGH!
>> I AM S.A.M. I AM S.A.M.
I AM S.A.M.
>> Kove: UGH. ENOUGH OF THAT.
HE'S OBSESSED EVER SINCE HE SAW
THAT SEAN PENN MOVIE.
>> Piper: WHAT A GREAT
WATER-AEROBICS CLASS, RIGHT?
>> Sam: I ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A
GOOD TIME WITH YOU.
OH!
DID I TELL YOU THAT YOUR
EYEBROWS LOOK AMAZING TODAY?
I MEAN, THEY REALLY ARE YOUR
BEST FEATURE.
>> Piper: YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
AND NOTHING MORE, SAM.
I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU, BUT NO
ONE ELSE CAN HEAR.
Sam.
>> Sam: Yeah?
>> Piper: YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE,
BUT I'M A SECRET AGENT!
>> Sam: WHAT?
>> Piper: LISTEN, SAM, IF
ANYTHING IS TO HAPPEN TO ME, YOU
HAVE TO KNOW THAT I ONLY EVER
THOUGHT OF YOU AS A FRIEND,
OKAY?
THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD EVER,
EVER, EVER THINK OF YOU AS
SOMETHING MORE!
>> Sam: WHAT?
>> Piper: SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN'T
TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.
NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW.
YOU COULD EASILY DIE BECAUSE
OF WHAT YOU KNOW!
>> Sam: WHAT?
>> Piper: YOU COULD DIE!
>> Sam: I WOULD DIE FOR YOU!
>> Piper: WHAT?
>> Sam: WHAT?
>> Piper: WHAT?
>> Sam: WHAT?
>> Piper: [ GASPS ]
NEW CLOTHES? YES!
>> Kove: DISGUISES, REALLY.
WE JUST NEED TO SUBTLY ALTER
YOUR APPEARANCE.
>> Piper: I LIKE THIS, BUT
I LOVE THIS.
>> Kove: THE MORE SUBTLE THE
BETTER.
FINE -- IT'S YOUR MISSION AND
YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.
AND AGAIN, I'D BE RIGHT THERE
WITH YOU IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS
DAMN BABY SHOWER TO GO TO.
BUT IT'S A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY,
AND SHE WENT TO MY DAD'S
FUNERAL, SO I HAVE TO GO.
>> Piper: Sam, are you there?
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
>> Sam: I'M HERE. ALWAYS.
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
>> Piper: JUST SO YOU KNOW,
BEING IN THIS HIGH-STRESS
SITUATION DOES NOT CHANGE A
THING ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU.
NOT A DAMN THING.
>> Sam: YEAH. I GOT IT.
>> Piper: IF I FAIL THIS, YOU
WILL BE KILLED INSTANTLY.
>> Sam: I KNOW.
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
>> [ Korean accent ] EYEBROW?
>> Piper: NO. WHAT?
MY EYEBROWS ARE PERFECT.
JUST A MANI, PLEASE.
>> [ Speaking Korean ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Piper: I WISH I KNEW WHAT
THEY WERE SAYING.
>> Sam: UH, SHE'S TELLING THEM,
"THIS WOMAN IS SO TALL, LIKE A
BASKETBALL MAN."
>> Piper: OH, THANK YOU.
[ GLASS SHATTERS, MAN GROANING ]
WHAT IS BEHIND THAT SCREEN?
>> MY DOG.
[ GROANING CONTINUES ]
>> Trent: [ Muffled ] HELP ME.
>> Sam: PIPER?
>> Piper: AAH!
YOU CAN FILE THIS ONE UNDER "I'M
ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ***."
YOU WEST KOREANS SHOULD GO BACK
TO WEST KOREA, WHICH IS LOCATED
IN THE WESTERN PART OF KOREA.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
[ GROANING CONTINUES ]
I'M GONNA LIBERATE YOU LIKE
WE'RE GONNA LIBERATE THE PEOPLE
OF IRAQ.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
AAH!
>> TSK, TSK, TSK, TSK.
YOUR EYEBROWS ARE GROWING BUSHY.
>> Piper: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I'VE BEEN TOLD BY SEVERAL PEOPLE
THAT THEY'RE MY BEST FEATURE.
>> I THINK YOU COULD USE SOME
SHAPING.
>> Piper: WHAT? NO!
NO! PLEASE NO!
THE EYEBROWS ARE THE FRAME TO
THE FACE!
[ EYEBROWS RIP ]
>> IN 10 MINUTES, ALL OF
SAN DIEGO WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS.
THE AIR WILL BE INFECTED WITH
POISONOUS ACRYLIC DUST, AND
WE'LL BE HALFWAY TO MEXICO IN
OUR DAEWOO MINIVAN.
[ SPEAKING KOREAN ]
[ BEEPING ]
>> Piper: I FAILED.
I'M SORRY, PRISONER.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T TELL
THIS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY
EYEBROWS AND SO I CAN'T EXPRESS
MY FEELINGS, BUT I LET YOU DOWN,
AND I LET ME DOWN, AND I LET
SAN DIEGO DOWN, AND I LET MY
EYEBROWS DOWN.
>> Sam: YOU DIDN'T LET ME DOWN.
>> Piper: SAM!
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
>> Sam: I CAME BACK BECAUSE I
HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO
TELL YOU.
OH, UM...HOLD ON.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYEBROWS?
>> Piper: OH...
WAXED OFF.
>> Sam: MAN, I'M REALLY NOT
ATTRACTED TO YOU WITHOUT YOUR
EYEBROWS.
THAT IS SO CRAZY.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL
YOU NOW.
LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
>> Kove: NOT SO FAST.
YOU ENTRUSTED SECRET GOVERNMENT
INTEL WITH A CIVILIAN.
NOW WE HAVE TO KILL HIM.
I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS!
>> Piper: GOODBYE, SAM.
>> Sam: WAIT! WAIT!
UH, I HAVE VALUE. I CAN HELP.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
I GOT THIS, GUYS.
I'M GREAT AT COMPUTERS.
I-I AM. I REALLY AM.
[ BEEP ]
WAIT. WAIT. I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO IT.
>> Piper: YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST
SHOT HIM.
>> DISARMED.
>> Sam: I DISARMED IT.
>> Piper: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
>> Sam: I JUST ENTERED THE
LATITUDE AND LONGITUDE OF
WEST KOREA.
I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THEM THIS
WEEK.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THEIR NATIONAL
BIRD IS A PIG?
>> Kove: WE COULD USE SOMEONE
LIKE YOU ON THE TEAM.
ARE YOU IN?
>> Sam: YEAH, I MEAN, WHATEVER
IT TAKES FOR YOU NOT TO KILL ME.
>> Trent: [ GROANS ]
>> Kove: OH, SWEETIE, JUST A
MINUTE.
>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE THIS PLACE
IS GONNA GET...
NAILED ON CITYSEARCH.
>> Kove: OH, TRENT, IT'S LIKE
PUNS ARE YOUR THING!
>> Trent: YEAH, I HAD A LOT OF
TIME BACK THERE TO COME UP WITH
A BUNCH OF PUNS BASED ON EVERY
TYPE OF DESTRUCTION IMAGINABLE.
I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I'M GONNA
REALLY BRING THE "PUN...
...ISHMENT."
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> Kove: [ LAUGHS ]
>> Piper: LOOK AT US.
WE JUST SAVED SAN DIEGO TOGETHER
AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET YOUR NAME.
>> Kove: IT'S KOVE.
AGENT KOVE.
WELL, I GUESS OUR WORK HERE IS
DONE.
>> Alphonse: EXCUSE ME.
>> Piper: MAY WE HELP YOU?
>> Alphonse: I'M HERE ON SPRING
BREAK FROM ALASKA.
AND I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT,
BUT MY CUTICLES ARE IN NEED OF
SOME HELP.
CAN ANYBODY FIT ME IN?
>> Kove: HMM, MAYBE WE COULD USE
SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
ARE YOU IN?
>> Piper: YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO
EVERYONE, DO YOU?
>> Kove: CERTAINLY.
>> Alphonse: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
BUT I'M IN.
>> Kove: IN?
>> Sam: YEAH.
>> Kove: IN?
>> Trent: IN.
>> Kove: IN?
>> Piper: IN.
>> Kove: WE'RE OUT.
>> Sam: WHERE ARE WE GOING?
>> Trent: WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE.
I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A TEAM.
>> BEFORE THERE WAS
"NTSF:SD:SUV::," THERE WAS
"NTSF:SD:JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE."
>> Sam: GUYS, NAPSTER HAS TAKEN
OVER THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE'S
COMPUTERS.
>> Alphonse: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY CANCELING "FRIENDS."
THEY GOT TO DO A MOVIE.
>> Piper: I'M THINKING ABOUT
GETTING A HAIRCUT, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA RUSH ANYTHING.
>> Sam: I JUST HAVE ONE
QUESTION.
DOES HE COME IN WHITE?
>> Kove: WE NEED A NEW WAY TO
GET AROUND.
WHAT ABOUT A SPORT UTILITY
VEHICLE?