Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
(groans)
Are we somewhere?
I got to use the can.
Well, I'm sure
they have one inside, dear.
Just check for cameras.
I think Chuck Berry owns this joint.
Yeah, I know.
(chuckles)
She is so sweet.
Hi, uh, can you fill it up
with ethyl
and then just top it off
with a little amyl?
I like my exhaust leaky.
(sucks teeth)
(clicks tongue)
Maybe there's some place in town
we can stay the night.
Taking these two sodas, Smokey.
Here's a nickel to keep
your mouth shut.
(nickel clinks)
Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby!
- (chuckles)
- (scoffs)
I'm not gonna stay
in this 2 1/2-bit town.
They obviously have some sort of
*** rat pack-revival,
hell's-a-poppin' crap
going on here
- Chris Monsanto!
- Oh, crap.
Uh Listen, just, uh, aim
for my face, will you?
I don't want to look too pretty
when those morgue pervs get
their hands inside me.
(chuckles)
- Martin Sheen!
- (chuckles)
How you doing?
Gosh, you know, I've always been
such a big, big fan of yours.
Oh, same here, Mr. Sheen.
Same here.
And-- and this is, um, Susie.
And, uh, the desk over there is
our friend captain.
Hey.
Who is this, uh, sweet young
lady here?
Oh, well, this, uh,
little morsel is called Trish.
(French accent)
Oh, ho, ho ! Mon amie !
(smooches)
(giggles)
The legendary Sheen charm.
(chuckles)
(normal voice) Hey, you know,
I'm doing this cop movie,
and I wonder if you'd do me a favor.
Let me ride along with you
for a little bit
just to kind of feel the character.
Oh, geez, Mr. Sheen.
We'd love to help you out,
but unfortunately
we're not marshals anymore.
- We're fugitives.
- (gasps)
I'm doing a fugitive movie, too!
(laughs)
Hey, buy me lunch.
I'll tell you all about it.
Monsanto! (gun ***)
I'm getting that bounty.
Ohh.
Oh, no.
I killed Martin Sheen.
(grunts)
- Marty, I'm so sorry.
- (weakly) No. It's okay. Get close.
I-I need to tell you something.
Mr. Sheen, it would be my honor
to hear your last words.
(grunts)
- We should probably go.
- Geez, I-I feel really different.
I think he just breathed
his soul into me.
Do you know what that means?
Martin Sheen was one of the greats.
And now that greatness
is inside me.
(chuckles)
Oh.
I'm tired.
Can we see if that's one of
those sleeping motels?
I think that's one of
those money-charging hotels.
Why don't we just, uh, go sleep
in the dirt over there.
It's better lumbar support.
Why are you being
such a cheapskate?
(chuckles) Cheapskate.
(laughs)
Hey, look at that --
a pay phone.
(chuckles)
Oh, how does that feel?
(laughs)
A dime.
- Why are you acting so weird?
- Geez, I don't know.
I've never felt this way about a
dime before. (sniffs)
Hey, a diner.
Let's order a huge meal
and then barf
all over the table.
They'll rip up the bill to avoid
the publicity. Come on.
Hey.
Martin's on TV.
Veteran actor Martin Sheen
rang the bell
at the New York Stock Exchange
this morning.
He's still very much alive.
Meanwhile, his brother,
Joe Estevez,
was shot dead
outside a gas station.
Estevez, seen here
with his only known friend,
hired hitman Sal Winnik,
was known mostly
for the long list of restaurants
- from which he's been banned.
- (scoffs)
I'm not possessed
by Martin Sheen.
I'm possessed by
his deadbeat brother Joe Estevez.
Ugh.
Grub time!
(triangle chiming)
(chuckles)
I'm getting really hungry.
Come on, guys.
Let's go eat a lot.
Hey! Sweet cakes!
Look, you want to make
with the check?
I'd like to pay for the food
while it's still inside me.
(chuckles)
Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby.
Ugh. We've got to get
out of this town.
It's crawling with D-bags.
And I got to get this
D-lister out of me.
(coughs)
(coughs)
This ain't my first rodeo.
(laughs)
(coughing)
(retching)
Can I start y'all off
with anything?
Aah!
Yes, my good man.
How about a bowl of soup
on the house?
I'm a disabled vet.
I gave a nut or two
or three to this country.
Don't you think it's about time
to pay it forward?
- If you're a vet, I guess we could--
- Isn't that wonderful?
And if a few meatballs
happen to fall in,
well, um, mum's the word.
(chuckles)
(groans)
He doesn't look like Joe Estevez,
but it's definitely him.
You're a veteran?
You told me you beat the draft
by pretending to be
Lauren Bacall.
It's Joe Estevez.
That sack of [bleep] has me
running his scams.
And cut. Good.
Okay, that's a cut.
(bell rings) Cameras to load.
Let's take five, guys.
Turn it around.
I'll be in my trailer.
(beeping)
(knock on door)
Yep.
- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Oh, hey, Marty.
- (chuckles)
- How you doing?
Yeah, good, good.
Doing good. (chuckles)
You know, I'm getting a real kick
out of playing my brother Joe.
He-- He's gonna love this
when he sees it.
- Yeah.
- (chuckles)
Yeah. (sighs)
I'm Martin Sheen. (chuckles)
So, what's up?
Oh, you know,
I've been thinking.
You know when my ghost
is inside of you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, I was thinking maybe
we could do that old
Heaven Can Wait thing, you know,
where the audience--
well, they see me
instead of you.
Yeah, I-I don't know, Martin.
I mean, we've shot
those scenes already.
Well, it's not even my idea,
you know? It's the producers.
I'm-- I'm just the messenger here.
Okay. Fine.
I don't give a [bleep].
- Oh, hey, that's terrific!
- Okay.
- Thanks, bub.
- Sure. Okay. Yep.
(door opens, closes)
So, Chris had this great idea.
He wants me to play his part
when I'm possessing him.
Yeah, I-I don't know,
Mr. Sheen.
Well, you don't want
to get Chris mad, do you?
I mean, if we don't do this,
he's gonna be absolutely furious.
(door opens)
Hey, Chris!
- Yeah, Josh. What up?
- You want Martin to replace you?
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa!
Uh, we need a minute.
(clears throat)
Look, a little private conversation.
Did you tell him I said that?
Because I didn't say that.
(sighing)
Well, all right, Chris.
I tried to do this the hard way,
but you leave me no choice.
Oh, geez, Martin, don't!
(gun ***, fires)
(groans)
(hisses)
- Reschedule until next Tuesday.
- (chuckling) Hey, hey, hey!
There's the fine gentleman
I was looking for.
I insist that Martin plays me
in all the possession sequences
and that he get paid in cash
or by check made out to "cash"
or food.
Fine, Chris.
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
Perfect. Okay.
(paddles whine)
(thud)
Ready in five, Mr. Sheen!
Big fedora reveal.
AdiĆ³s, muchacho.
(door opens, closes)
Yeah, we'd like a room for the night,
and that includes free ice, right?
Give us a hand with these
bags, will you, Smokey?
Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby.
- What's with the language, cap?
- When did you get a fedora?
Fedora?
(screams)
(chittering)
The hell is going on here?
(bell chimes)
Welcome to Gormley's.
May I show you some hats?
We're wondering what's
going on with all the fedoras
we're seeing around town lately.
- Spill it.
- Fedoras?
Well, I'd be happy to tell you
all about them
right after I
pour a nice cold glass
- of acid down my throat.
- Wait.
Could you just tell us
what's going on
- and then kill yourself afterwards?
- Fine.
What you know as fedoras
are actually
an ancient race of
parasitic sea creatures.
They disguise themselves as hats
and latch onto the heads of
unsuspecting humans.
The fedora burrows
into the host's brain
and turns them
into a total ***.
- Where did you get that hat?
- Where did you get that mouth?
Scientists have dated them
back to caveman times.
The last big outbreak was
during the Rat Pack era.
Millions of kind, intelligent men
were turned into
insufferable pricks,
real pieces of [bleep].
They were more or less
eradicated 50 years ago,
but something must have
awakened them.
Tidal wave.
- Now, if you don't mind
- Of course.
(sizzling)
(screams)
Cut!
(bell rings)
Okay, let's bring in
the funny skeleton.
What's this? I said
I wanted a lot of spaghetti.
It's a generous serving,
Mr. Sheen.
I'm Martin Sheen.
I'm a big star.
And I expect a lot of spaghetti!
Won't be none for no one else.
(sighing) Okay. I get it.
Here. Catch.
(sighs)
(groans, blows)
(paddles whine)
(thud)
Well, thank you, fine sir.
Yeah. I found him.
Joe Estevez?
Yes? No.
Look, we figured out you're not
really Martin Sheen.
I never said that I was.
- Well, at least can I --
- Yes.
You can finish the show.
But only as the ghost.
You're not playing Chris
anymore.
Well, gosh,
I was just gonna ask
if I could keep the spaghetti.
Kill them!
(chuckles)
Keep pounding away, pal.
I'm just happy that loser's
out of me. (chuckles)
(groans)
Hey!
What are you so mean for?
I got feelings, too, you know?
I know what y'all think of me,
But I'm proud of what I am.
You might compare my plight
to the dreaded fedoras.
Some say they're parasites
looking for a host.
Well, I'm just looking
for a pal.
Wise words, Joe.
Perhaps we don't have to conquer
the whole world.
And perhaps I need a new hat.
(laughs)
(laughter)
Cut!
(bell rings)
Oh, hey, hey! How was it, Josh?
That felt really great.
Yeah, Joe. It was great.
And, uh I wonder if I could
keep this nice green shirt.
It's got spaghetti stains on it,
so it's not any good
to anybody anyway, right?
And that's how you get
a free shirt, folks.
Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby!