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[Upbeat Theme Song]
Radio Voice 1: And now to our lead story, Gracie Todd Englewright has been appointed to the U.S. House of Representatives for the 14th District of Virginia.
Radio Voice 2: Wait, wait, wait - Englewright?
Radio Voice 1: The honorable Edgar Englewright passed away unexpectedly and the Governor has appointed the Congressman's widow to complete the remainder of his term. Roll three.
Gracie Englewright VO: I am not a politician. I only want what's best for the Commonwealth.
Radio Voice 2: Wait. Can the Governor even appoint someone to Congress?
Radio Voice 1: Uhhh...
Radio Voice 2: Senators are appointed. House Members are elected, right? Or is that just a Constitutional suggestion?
Radio Voice 1: And in sports...
Ok good morning everybody.
Where is everyone?
This is an emergency staff meeting. I said all hands on deck.
Did you use the exclamation point thing?
Yes, Larry, I used the exclamation point thing. Has anybody seen Gordon or Lester?
I saw Gordon. He was lit like a candle at Cap Lounge.
Charming.
Hey, Home School. We're having a meeting why don't you join us. Pivot around.
Can you e-mail everybody and see-
[CELL PHONES BEEPING]
Um - that's Gordon.
He will not be joining us-
I'm out.
***.
No, no. It's "bitchz" with a "z."
"ZZZZZZZZ!"
He hit reply all.
That's fantastic.
Does anybody know where Tracey is? Did you get an email from her?
She proffered her two week notice this morning.
Retroactive two weeks.
What are we gonna do without a Press Secretary?
I'll do it.
No, no, no.
Maybe we could ask the Congressman to do it.
Is this some sort of sick joke?
Congressman Englewright? We could ask him to be the Press Secretary. He'd love it!
He really likes the pin interest...
Gunston. The Congressman's dead.
Dead?! I didn't know. When did this happen?
Two weeks ago.
You were at the funeral.
I thought that was a buffet.
Oh, for the love of God.
Ok, damage control. Does anybody know how many staff we've hemorrhaged so far?
Five.
Five?
Six.
Ok. Motivational speech time.
We've. Hit. An iceberg.
And we've lost a small amount.
A modest size.
A gaggle.
Thank you, Larry.
We've lost...a gaggle...of our staff...
And they're somewhere out there-
[SINGING] Somewhere out there-
Hey, Fievel, we don't sing in meetings anymore, ok?
They're out there floating in their lifeboats and their life-vests. But not us.
We're here.
We're going down with the ship together. Yes?
My internship is up at the end of the week.
You're an intern? Why are you in here? Why is she in here?
It doesn't matter.
Battlefield promotion. You are now a staffer. Welcome aboard.
Great! What's my title?
Uhh, Junior Associate LC. Congratulations.
And your salary is whatever you're currently making doubled. You can't quit.
Yes, Larry, you can't quit either so double your current salary.
Yes, double your salary as well. Everybody stays. Everybody gets double salary.
I'm an unpaid volunteer.
Then triple it. Congratulations.
Boom brother!
Can you send out an advertisement for...
Craigslist? Politico? Christian Mingles? Just put it on everything.
What am I advertising for?
Every position. All positions.
I will hire anyone to keep this house of cards afloat.
[Mysterious Music] Whatever it takes, he says. Catfish always have a taste for bar-b-cue and lemonade.
Sorry.
Ok. I have to go to the Chief of Staff's Office to go do Chief of Staff things.
You guys stay here and do triage.
Who's the most sober among you?
Ok...you're in charge.
You can't quit.
None of you can *** quit.
Hello Clarice.
Remy, why are you doing in my office?
What are you not doing here? In your office.
No, I am in my office.
Said office.
We're both in my office. I'm the Chief of Staff though so why are you here?
And such big shoes to fill.
You know it's always a pleasure for you to swing by and drink Scotch at nine o'clock
in the morning but I actually have work to do now, so would you take off?
I'm not here selling Thin Mints, Elliott!
You know when I left this office Edgar and I had an agreement.
What?
Wind.
Wind?
Big Wind! Energy of the ***' future!
And you and that tarted up sweater holding this seat?
You're gonna get wind a piece of that Energy Independence Act. Or else.
Or else what?
Or else let's just say a certain energy interest is gonna drop a certain two million
dollar negative ad buy...
in a certain Congressional District...
in a certain Commonwealth...
You see what I getting at?
Yeah, I follow you. You mean us.
Oh, and I heard your office is falling apart.
We lost some staff. It's not a big deal.
You are gonna need this.
Why are you like this, Remy?
What is this? What am I looking at?
That is a card that only three people in the world have seen.
That is a card to Bushwick.
Not The Bushwick.
The Bushwick.
The Bushwick who put Dukakis on the tank?
The Bushwick who convinced McCain to suspend his campaign?
The Bushwick who put Quayle and produce together! Look -
If you are going to hold this office together and have any sense of self-preservation you will email him the moment I walk out of this office!
Don't *** with Big Wind!
Good to see you, Remy.
What did he say?
I haven't even gotten to the internet browser yet!
Chill!
[Ping!]
That was fast.
[Ominous Hip Hop Music]
Who. The ***. Are you?!
Sir, my name is Elliott Clarice-
Yeah, yeah I know your name is Elliott Clarice.
No *** numb nuts!
Why did you contact me?
I'm the Chief of Staff for Congressman Englewright-
Englewright? Son of a *** is still alive?
Where's he holed up?
Have the birds flown?
No, no. I was his Chief of Staff and he died and now I'm his wife's Chief of Staff-
How did you contact me?
My old boss Remington Dixwell-
Dixwell?! That paisley-clad earthworm?
Listen. This is the situation, *** clown!
You are about to get horse-cocked...
with a dart gun...
by two very special interests.
When you say "horse-cocked"... do you mean "phone-banked?"
First, the Coalition for a Breezier Tomorrow is about to make a two million dollar ad buy in Virginia 14.
Yeah, that's right-
Then, the Sunshine Coalition is gonna join in on the fun!
I don't know who the Sunshine Collaborative is-
You are about to bear witness a full scale political kumite, ***.
I am following 40% of what you're saying.
They are going to *** you out for breakfast!
Oh my God!
God abandoned this town a long time ago ***!
You gotta help me! You're a legend!
Goldwater '68. Tsongas '92.
Hall & Oates '84.
And don't you forget it ***!
Whoa whoa wait! I need you!
I'll give you any title you want. I'll break the bank on your salary.
Title? Bank?
You're talking about the physical world man. I'm talking about a whole 'nother planet.
Are you referring to drugs? Because my nephew is on Ritalin and-
[SCREECHING TIRES]
We are doing our duty to Congressman Englewright's ghost, ok?
And he will *** haunt your dreams and prostate if you god damn leave the office!