Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
There's a fellow by the name of Noah
Built an ark, everybody knows he built an ark. Say, "What'd Noah do?" Well he built an Ark
Very few people know about the conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah
Noah was in the rec room one day, sawing away making a few things for the home
He's a good carpenter. (Sawing Noises) (Ding) (Voice of God) NOAH
Somebody call?
(Saw noises)
(Ding) NOAH
Noah: Who is that?
God: IT'S THE LORD, NOAH.
Right...
Where are ya?
Whaddaya Want? I've been good.
I WANT YOU TO BUILD AN ARK.
Right...
What's an ark?
GET SOME WOOD, BUILD IT 300 CUBITS BY 80 CUBITS BY 40 CUBITS
Right...
What's a cubit?
LET'S SEE, A CUBIT, I USED TO KNOW WHAT A CUBIT WAS
WELL DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT NOAH. WHEN YOU GET THAT DONE
GO OUT INTO THE WORLD TO COLLECT ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE WORLD
BY TWOS MALE AND FEMALE AND PUT THEM INTO THE ARK
Right...
Who is this really?
What's going on?
How come you're wanting me to do all these weird things?
I'M GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD.
Right...
Am I on Candid Camera?
How you gonna do it?
I'M GONNA MAKE IT RAIN FOR 1,000 DAYS AND DROWN 'EM RIGHT OUT
Right...
Listen do this, you'll save water
Let it rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and wait for the sewers to back up
RIGHT...
I'm just wondering, what would be the effect of an ark on the average neighbor
Now, here's a guy going to work 7 o'clock in the morning, Noah's next door neighbor and he sees the Ark.
Neighbor: HEY, YOU UP THERE.
Noah: What do you want?
WHAT IS THIS?
It's an ark.
UH HUH...
YOU WANNA GET IT OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY
I GOTTA GET TO WORK, LISTEN WHAT'S THIS THING FOR ANYWAY?
I can't tell you, ha ha ha ha.
WELL, I MEAN CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A HINT?
You want a hint?
YES PLEASE.
How long can you tread water ha ha ha ha
Of course, Noah had a heck of a job really
He had to go out and collect all the animals in the world by twos.
Two mosquitoes, Male or Female?
And he had to keep telling the rabbits, only two, only two.
Noah's pulling up the last two animals, two hippos
He's really in a hurry to get them up because he's afraid the Lord is going to call him and ask him to do something else and his nerves are shot.
This is a heck of a job for a man 600 years old.
We find him pulling up the last two hippos and of course the Lord does call him
C'mon fat hippos, hurry up, c'mon will ya please?
(Ding) NOAH
What?!?!?! What do you want?
GOTTA TAKE ONE OF THOSE HIPPOS OUT AND BRING IN ANOTHER ONE
What for?!
CUZ YOU GOT TWO MALES DOWN THERE AND YOU NEED TO BRING IN A FEMALE
I'm not bringin' nothin' in, you change one of 'em.
C'MON, YOU KNOW I DON'T WORK LIKE THAT.
I'm sick and tired of this, I've had enough of this stuff. I've been working all day, working on for days and days and I'm tired of this...
NOAH
Yea?
HOW LONG CAN YOU TREAD WATER?
Yea, well I got news for you, I'm sick and tired of this whole mess. The whole neighborhood's out there laughing at me they're all having a grand time at good ol' Noah there.
I went out and got my friend Larry, I said, "Larry listen, I've been talking to the Lord".
Larry said, "Oh really?"
I said, "Yea, yea listen. Lord, Larry, Larry, Lord". You walked off and left and they're all laughing at me.
You know I'm the only guy in this neighborhood with an ark?
People laughin' picket signs walking around up and down, I'm sick and tired of this stuff.
People are walking around, "How you doin' Tarzan?"
Sick and tired of this mess here. You supposed to know all and see all you let me go out there and bring in a pregnant elephant.
You give me no manual for delivery, never told me the thing was pregnant. There's ol' Noah waitin' on an empty elephant, then (Barum) right on top of me
Had enough of all this. You're supposed to know all and see all like I said before. You let me go out there and do all this stuff, and you never looked at the bottom of the ark.
Have you looked down there? No! Who's gonna clean up that mess down there?
Not me. I tell I've had enough of this...I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm lettin' all these animals out, (THUNDER)and then I'm gonna burn down this ark. And I'm going to Florida or something 'cause you haven't done nothing...
I'm sick and tired of all this fooling around, and you haven't done nothing... except you got it raining...(THUNDER)
This is not a shower is it?
Ok, Lord me and you, right? (THUNDER & APPLAUSE)