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What can you tell our viewers as far as safety tips as they enjoy mother nature? Well, Mike,
as you know, my thing is education. But the first thing you wanna do when you're going
on your hike is you wanna be as quiet as you can because if the bear hears something unusual,
it's gonna wanna figure out what it is. I'm Eli. Great slash who cares? I'm your agent's…
Nephew! You're Burt's nephew. So you wanted to be an intern, right? Yes, very much. I
just graduated film school, and I'm a big fan of your show. Oh, hey, Safari, what are
you doing Saturday night? Oh, no thanks, Eli, I don't go that way. Oh…no… I have a stand-up
show -- I'm taking a stand-up comedy class. Still sounds pretty homosexual, Eli. Heads
up, Heavy Petting. Guess who we booked on the show? Huh? I'll give you a little hint:
He's gonna bring some much needed gravitas to this set. Oh, I can't hold it in anymore.
We booked Chaz Talbot on the show! Astronaut? No. Cosmonaut? Is he that homosexual lion
tamer that got his face eaten? Chaz Talbot is the host of Chaz Talbot's Wild Life. You
know, the gritty news magazine. He's an investigative journalist. Like Bill Curtis. Bill Curtis?
Bill Curtis! Bill Curtis couldn't hold Chaz Talbot's jock. I know someone who could. Chaz
Talbot is a pioneer. His exposé on that ring of old ladies stealing sugar packets from
breakfast spots won 14 Emmys. And I got his next Emmy-winning idea right here. It's gonna
be my ticket out of this god forsaken set full of monkeys and retards. Huh. Let's have
a good show tonight, alright guys? He's here! He's parking! Chaz Talbot is here! Thanks
for wearing a tie, big boy. This is gonna be great! Hello. Alright, let's give an official
Heavy Petting welcome to Mr. Chaz Talbot, everyone. Thank you, thank you all very much.
I'm Mike Weaver -- I'm a huge fan. Yeah, I'm sure you are, ever since I did that special
exposing hands for what they really are: Filthy petri dishes capable of carrying unspeakable
plague. Yes. I've had Karin working for me as my go-between. Good, I remember the show,
actually -- I didn't *** for a year. I'm not really sure how I feel about that…
I'm Eli. Oh, yes, forgive me. These are some of the help that work here at Heavy Petting.
Eli is a recent film school grad. Oh, an intern? Yes, I should of recognized that vacant stare,
that charming naiveté. Thank you. Stupidity can be so enduring. Indeed, yes, yes. And
this is Safari Steve, our animal expert. How's it going, eh? Very good catch, Karin. Canadian,
the filthiest. Let's say we give him a full-body rub down, eh. Probably be good for him. And
now for the final act of this sorry saga. Watch what happens when we tell Mr. Pet Shop
Boy there's no such thing as a green pet. If you care at all about the environment,
you have to get a dachshund, beagle or chihuahua -- they're all completely Green. Really? Why
is that? Well, it's simple: Small breeds eat their own stool. They eat it right up. Totally
sustainable, 100 percent efficient. Is that right? What if I was to tell you that I'm
Chaz Talbot? Chaz Talbot? You're not Chaz Talbot. Oh, yes, I am. And you are EXPOSED!
Wow, Green pets. These scams are certainly getting weirder, aren't they? Yes, they certainly
are. But the secret to hoodwinking people really lies in the messenger. I mean, if Al
Gore was to say that small pets were sustainable, I probably would of bought into it. Absolutely,
yes. Stay with us, everyone. When we come back, Chaz Talbot tells us about his own wild
life. Right back. Wow, that pet shop exposé sounds like a real eye-opener. Tell me, do
you have a team finding your stories? No, I actually have to do it all myself -- that's
the way I control the quality. Yes, yes, I have to do the same around here. Yes, you
do have your share of nincompoops here. Chaz, if you don't mind, I'd like to pitch you something:
It's a segment idea I had for Wild Life. As you know, Wild Life finds crimes, but it doesn't
tell us why the criminals do what they do. The Wild Mind would delve into the motives
and origins of the criminal's behavior. Who would you see hosting the Wild Minds? Well,
I would. Come on now, you're a comedy host or something like that. That kind of an idea
requires someone with weight, substance, a sense of gravitas. I'm Chaz Talbot. And our
cameras have uncovered something different. And our cameras have uncovered something different.
This adorable band of octogenarians may have seemed like the ladies who lunch… But, in
fact, they were a highly organized, a cunning group of pirates. They're ***: sugar packets.
The victim: the local greasy spoon. But why do they do what they do? Found out on the
next Wild Mind with Mike Weaver. I think you've got a winner there. No kidding? Alright! Oh,
Eli. Thank god. I can't seem to get any coffee out of this thing. Needs water. And coffee
grounds. Oh, so you'll take care of it? Thanks, kid. Mr. Weaver, something's been bothering
me. Were you talking about me the other day when you said this set was full of donkeys
and retards? No, of course not. That's an expression in the business. It's really an
old Hollywood punchline. Good! How did Mr. Talbot like your pitch? Oh, he liked it. He
liked it a lot, Eli. I think my time in this bunghole with you knuckle draggers is about
to end. Also an expression. Here's your double mocha Americano with extra whip, Mr. Weaver.
Put 'er there, Eli. Oh hey, look, Wild Life is on. Turn it up will you, kid. And later
tonight, we have something brand new on this program: Did you ever wonder why criminals
do what they do? The thoughts behind the crime, on my spellbinding new segment entitled "Chaz
Talbot's Wild Mind." Wasn't that your idea?