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You know, sometimes sex is like
such a confusing thing
in my life.
Listen, sex seems very
complicated and confusing,
but it's very simple.
The man takes his ***,
puts it into a woman's ***,
he ejaculates and she dies.
She dies?
Oh, no, I was thinking
of something else.
That's...
♪ Louie, Louie, Le, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie louaaa ♪
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
( audience laughing )
I guess I feel like
I should go out and get laid,
but I don't have sex drive,
really.
I have...
It's not sex drive...
I have sex...
Just sit in the car
and hope someone gets in.
There's not really...
it's not drive.
Hi.
I just wanted to say I
thought you were really funny.
Wow, thank you,
thanks very much.
I was listening
to what Louie said
about younger girls, though.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's not true,
not for all of us.
Oh, yeah, how's that?
Well, I'm really turned on
by older guys.
You are?
Sure.
How old are you?
26.
That turns you on, doesn't it?
Just the number.
Can I ask you...
Why do you like older guys?
I don't know.
Guys my age just suck.
They all think
they're so great.
They have all this
annoying energy,
and they're all pink
and smooth like a baby.
Eww.
Yeah, I guess I... but older
guys are just relaxed.
I mean, you've given up,
which makes you grounded.
Your skin is all loose
and a little dry.
And you smell weirdo
we smell weird
totally... do you mind?
Mmm, yeah... you smell.
Like what?
I don't know, like...
Dying?
It's sexy.
Well, you smell nice, too.
Well, yeah,
young *** smells good.
Holy ***.
I know.
You've hit the jackpot, right?
Listen, this is
the greatest thing
that e to me, clearly,
but I don't know about
being in a relationship
with a younger...
Relationship ? Eww.
Who said anything about that?
Here you are...
can we go?
Oh, baby.
Yeah.
Oh...
Oh, my God, you're so old.
What?
You're so old,
you're so *** old.
Yeah, I'm pretty old.
Tell me.
Tell me how old you are.
I'm 42.
Oh...
I'm almost 43.
Oh!
I was born in 1967.
Oh, God, that's cry old!
I remember going to movies
when it cost $3.
Oh, ***, yeah!
I remember smoking
on airplanes.
Oh, ***, that's so long ago!
I had a vein removed
from my leg year.
Yes, so did my mom...
don't stop!
I voted for Mike Dukakis.
Oh!
Who the hell is that?
I'm older than
any baseball player,
except Jamie Moyer, I think.
He's still playing
for the Phillies.
Oh, oh... oh!
Should I call you, or...?
Nope.
That was great, though, thanks.
Okay.
Sex drive has to come
from somewhere,
and it's not just about sex.
Sex has something behind it
and it's weird,
'cause we ignore it.
Sex is reallying
to get somewhere.
E it's... it's trying
to have a family.
You don't really
wanna know that
because we've separated
those two things,
but the entire reason
sex exists is to have babies.
That the only reason
it exists at all,
but we're such
a narcissistic species
that we've separate...
we've made it just...
'cause we just wanna...
like, we just wanna just...
( grunting )
It's just a weird kind
of behavior.
We just want to spray ***
everywhere just for no reason.
( Grunting )
'Cause that urge is the urge
to procreate.
A *** teenage boy
is thinking, "I want a baby.
"Oh, yeah.
"Oh, dude.
"Oh, look at her ***.
"I want her to feed my little
baby with her ***.
Oh, yeah !"
That's what that is.
But we make it this
separate thing.
Animals must
think we're idiots.
Animals that watch us have sex
must be like...
"they don't know what they're...
He's coming on her ***,
he's a moron, this guy."
"Woo-hoo, doo !"
Just, "whoops !"
It just looks stupid to them.
Anyway, I'm a...
I'm a father.
( Scattered applause )
Why?
Why?
It's weird the kind of things
people will clap for.
It's interesting.
First of all, right away,
any kind of a, "I got kids."
There you go.
"I ate 'em both."
"Oh.
"Wish I'd had...
wish I'd waited.
Maybe a premature clap
right there with that."
I mean, some parents are okay.
Some parents are *** bags.
( Loatter )
( Woman ) Good evening.
Good evening, may I have
your attention?
Yes.
Thank you, good evening.
As always, we are really
grateful for those of you
who pitch in here
and add your ideas.
Except you never use any
of our ideas or really listen.
Jay, I don't think you can
say that and be fair.
Look, I am more than
happy to look at your ideas.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Chris is here to talk
about some ways
are trying to include
more physical activity
in the curriculum
to deal with this
fatigue problem.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Sorry?
Oh, it's my first PTA meeting.
Oh, well, thank you,
thank you for coming.
Thanks.
I just was wondering, what is
meant by the fatigue problem?
Yeah, I'm curious about that, too.
It's also my first PTA meeting.
I work, hi.
The fatigue problem
is what was identified
in the first quarter
of this school year
as being a marked decline
in the spirit and interest
and energy of the kids here.
Usually around noon
or right after lunch.
It's because of the lunch.
They aren't given
enough time to eat.
No, it's not that...
they're being demoralized.
You fill them with academics,
you don't tell
them who they are.
For now, we are focusing on
the lack of physical activity.
Now, we still don't have a gym
because of last year's
diarrhea flood.
Excuse me, excuse me.
S.
My name is Nancy Cartesian.
My son is never Cartesian.
Jesus.
He has definitely suffered
from the fatigue syndrome.
In my opinion, it's because
of the competitive nature
of this school,
of the children and...
I've been reading about this
reggio teaching method
from Italy...
it's like Montessori,
only it's a little bit
more creative.
When are they
supposed to dance?
It's the academics.
This place is
still stuck in the '70s.
Who still teaches math anymore?
We've been talking
about introducing
some competitive sports.
I think our just
need to be allowed
to play more creatively.
You are all way off...
this problem's...
Isn't it just...
it's school, right?
So, I mean, school sucks.
Right?
I mean, you do what you can
to improve it, but it's not...
In the end, there's a limit,
'cause it's school.
And school sucks.
Remember?
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, could I get one of those?
Sure.
Thank you.
Yeah, I don't think your
"school sucks" initiative
is gonna get much support.
Mm-hmm.
Just saying.
I know.
I don't even know why I came.
I guess I just figured you
gotta go to one PTA meeting.
Say.
Hey, your son...
Serge.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't
know anybody's names.
It's all right.
You guys are in
my Lilly's class.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah?
Yeah, serge talks about
Lilly all the time.
He's in stupid love with her.
I didn't know that.
Well, listen, Lilly hasn't
made a lot of friends
in the new class
and I was wondering if maybe
you just wanna do a playdate?
You're not trying to
stick your *** up me, are you?
No, I just...
You can drop him off
and go do something else.
I just...
Lilly's kind of a loner.
I wanna get a playdate
for her, that's all.
Okay, 'cause nothing
goes in here anymore.
I mean, all this *** is
shut down for good.
All right, well,
I don't think I'll be needing
any of that "***" for
the playdate, so.
So when do you want to do it?
Are you making a playdate?
Because Never
would really like one also.
Oh, no, mm-mmm.
No, we were just...
nope.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I feel awful.
I don't.
That woman's an ***.
Have you met never?
That kid is a piece of ***.
Well, he d out of an ***.
Sometimes I feel like I just...
I don't have any friends.
And why do you think that is?
I don't know.
Do you think it's...
Because you're fat?
Who are you...
you think I'm fat?
I'm asking you
if you think you're fat.
No, you asked me if I thought
I didn't have friends
because I'm fat.
Because...
You think you're fat.
Hey.
Hey... hey, girls,
serge is here.
I was gonna take you up
on your offer
of using this time
to do something,
but I couldn't
make anything happen.
So do you mind if I stay?
Yeah, of course, please,
come on in.
Okay.
All right, honey...
shoes. Take 'em off.
No, no, no, he doesn't have to.
Oh, please. He steps in
dog poop on purpose.
Do you have wine?
So when did you guys
get divorced?
Well, we got separated
about two years ago
and the divorce took forever.
Is serge okay with nuts?
Yeah, and his
really likes wine.
Oh, ***, I'm sorry.
Is this okay?
Yes, please.
Why don't you peel carrots?
I got this.
Okay.
Mmm!
Oh, my God, this is so good!
It's just some rice and beans.
Mm-mmm.
You don't understand.
I come home from work,
I make him macaroni and cheese,
I eat whatever's left in his
bowl while he's in the tub.
I wish daddy would make
macaroni and cheese.
Hey, listen, little girl,
you should be happy
that your daddy takes the
time to make nice food for you.
You should be grateful.
What does grateful mean?
She knows what grateful means.
Ooh.
Undercut by big sister,
I like it!
So where is...
Serge's dad?
Yeah, sorry.
You know, I feel like
you shouldn't ask anybody
about anybody just to be
safe... you never know.
Good rule, definitely.
Well, people are so stupid.
They're like...
"where is your wife ?"
Like they never heard
of divorce or people dying.
And they go, "I'm so sorry."
Like, you didn't say
you were so sorry
when I was stuck
in a *** marriage.
Well, most divorced people
are depressing.
They're lost.
You're doing fine.
You're obviously a great dad.
What?
How do you know
I'm such a great dad?
Just 'cause I'm in the same
room with my children,
that's it?
Yeah, exactly.
Just by showing up,
you're father of the year.
You're here, you're peeling
a carrot.
You're amazing.
That's kind of offensive
to fathers.
Well, it should be.
Fathers should be offended
all the time, they stink.
Oh, come on.
Look, you really gonna
defend fathers?
What was your father like?
Not around.
Dude, take the compliment.
You're a great dad.
Thanks.
Daddy, we're chasing serge.
That's great, honey.
I know you told me
her name but I forgot.
What is it?
Doesn't matter.
Oh, my God.
Okay...
What's the worst thought
you ever had about your kids?
I don't know, you go first.
All right.
I would never hit serge, never.
But sometimes,
I think about hitting him.
Like, I picture it,
like a fantasy.
Come on, that's not so bad.
Well, I mean,
I don't think about it
when he's being bad
or I'm having
a hard time with him
or anything like that,
I just...
I think about it when I'm bored
or when I'm bored of
being a mom,
or when he's just boring.
I just think a hitting him
right in his
stupid little face.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
I know.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Jesus.
All right, so what's yours?
Oh, uh...
I don't know,
I'm drawing a blank.
Come on.
I can't think of anything.
That's not fair...
you're a piece o
it.
I can't think of anything.
You're gonna make me
burn in hell alone?
No, no, no, no, no, no, okay.
Bad...
What... hurry!
Okay, okay, okay, all right,
you know what?
I was thinking that
on Jane's 18th birthday, right?
That's the day I stop
being a dad,
of children, officially.
Like, the day I just... I just
become a guy, not "daddy,"
I just become just some dude.
I think on that day...
I might kill myself.
Oh, my God!
Please do it now.
Oh, my God, you're the
biggest bummer I ever met.
I hate you.
Oh, I'm having so much fun.
Pamela?
Pamela ?O
oh, hey, serge, your mom is...
She just got tired.
She had too much wine.
Mama, mama, wake up.
Oh, honey.
Okay, we're going now.
Thank you so much,
thanks for everything.
Bye, girls!
You're going?
All right, well...
Grab your shoes.
All right, well, bye,
than for everything.
Right, sure.
Thanks for coming.
( Louie ) I've never gotten
laid 'cause of the way I look
in my life... I know that.
I've never gained from
my looks at all.
It's not like, "oh, they're
going, what am I gonna do now ?"
I've never gained any
advantage in life...
I've never been laid
'cause of the way I look.
I've never been a guy
who I just walk in a room
and women go,
"ohh..."
They drop their microphones
and start ***
their vaginas
and anuses at the same time.
I'm not that guy.
There are those guys.
I'm not that guy.
I'm the guy that women see
and they go...
"eh ?"
And I'm like,
"I know, but let me just
talk to you for a minute."
( Audience laughing )
And then later that night,
she's like,
"I can't believe I'm having
sex with that weird guy."
I'm like, "I know,
it's weird, but it does happen."
I don't know what...
What kind of position we're in
that she's doing this
and I'm doing this.
Just kind of just poking her.
And she's like, "really ?"
"Yeah, this is all I like,
I don't... nothing else works,
sorry."
I can't... I just can't get
organized, you know?
I feel like
my whole life is just...
I feel like I'm underwater.
I'm just overwhelmed by
everything that I have to do.
Have you ever heard...
Of someone dying...
And then...
You got an ***?
What?
No.
No, that never...
that never happened to me.
That happened to me.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com