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1
[ knocking on door ]
Joe?
Joe, are you okay?
[ breathing deeply ]
[ sighs ]
when I grow up to be a man ♪
will I dig the same things
that turn me on as a kid? ♪
will I look back and say ♪
that I wish
I hadn't done what I did? ♪
will I joke around? ♪
and still dig those sounds ♪
when I grow up to be a man? ♪
So?
Uh, pancakes, I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah,
I feel like pancakes.
What's up
with the sunglasses?
[ chuckles ]
Is that supposed to be
a black eye?
It is a black eye.
Oh, really?
That's it.
You're not gonna ask.
You're just
gonna sit there
and pretend to read a menu
that you have memorized already
and not ask.
I did ask.
You chose to feel pancakes.
[ chuckles ]
All right,
so you're not at all curious?
What did you run into her boyfriend
or something?
Worse.
Her husband?
Worse.
Worse than an irate husband
punching you in the face?
I'd have to say, uh, yes.
Yes, it was.
She punched you
in the face?
[ chuckles ]
I tell you,
she was, um
you know, when Terry
told me she was fun,
I thought that was bad
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Terry set this up?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't tell you that?
Your first date
in 20 years,
you go with
a Terry hand-me-down?
Yeah, no, no, no,
she wasn't that.
Has he slept with her?
[ strained ]
of course not.
Yeah, but you tried
to sleep with her, right?
No.
Her name is Dori.
She's my dental hygienist.
Pretty.
Dori
like the fish "dory"?
Who?
The "Finding Nemo"
fish.
Look, you'll like her.
She's a lot fun.
Oh, "a lot of fun.
"
what is that?
That's, like,
a code for something.
Alcoholic, right?
Klepto?
This is what you cannot do,
all right?
I'm not gonna be
a part of this
if you're gonna be
a big stiff.
What? "stiff"?
I just want to know
how you know she's a lot of fun
by sitting in her dentist's
chair with your mouth open.
Don't do this, Joe --
don't get wrapped up
in that wrecking-ball head
of yours.
Just this one time,
just trust me
and go with the flow.
"go with the flow"?
Yeah, just go with it.
Stop analyzing
and obsessing
And just let yourself
enjoy something.
How am I obsessing?
This is my first date
in 20 years.
I'm allowed
to ask a few questions.
Okay, okay.
She's a lot of fun, she's
pretty, and she's single,
and that is
all the information you need,
and the rest is just like --
like water, Joe.
JustLet it flow.
Okay.
Ready?
Yeah.
[ grunts ]
Wrecking-ball head?
You got
a huge *** head.
He slept with her.
No, no, no, no.
I believe him.
He didn't do anything with her.
And I got to tell you,
that made me want to
go out with her even more.
Yeah, she's like a
rare bird.
[ chuckles ]
Anyway, so then
I drove to the store,
and I'm trying
to figure out --
"what should I do?
Should I call her?
Should I e-mail her?"
So you started obsessing
already.
Yeah.
Yeah, basically.
(Maria) Quiero oír cómo
lo vas a decir.
Dilo
"ithufferin' thuccotash!"
[ hispanic accent ]
sufferia toccshicoba.
No, no, no.
Pero, escúchame.
Ithufferin' thuccotash!
Suffera seccostocacha.
[ chuckles ]
I think at today's party,
Sylvester has laryngitis.
He almost has it.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Otra vez.
Otra vez.
Thufferin' thuccotash!
Sufferia tuccoskish!
Okay.
No.
He's got laryngitis.
[ scoffs ]
Hmm.
Mr.
T?
Hey, Maria.
You on a break?
Yeah -- just a 15.
What's, uhh
Okay.
Mr.
T,
I know about your wife
and your divorce
and all that,
and I just think
it's really sad.
Oh, thank you.
And, so, I know you like
all that music from the '40s.
'70s.
Right, but anyway,
I wanted you to hear this disc
because, well, after Kaitlyn
broke up with me
it saved my life.
[ slow-tempo rock music plays ]
the look that's on your face ♪
I almost believe ♪
that things
will never change ♪
when it's all illusion ♪
[ music stops ]
That's a good song.
Yeah.
I'll listen to that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right.
[ sighs ]
Listen to it
in the bathtub.
Oh.
(Owen) What, she's got, like,
a daddy crush on you?
(Joe) No, no, no.
iIntense, you know?
Anyway,
I'm trying to figure out,
how do I end this e-mail
without sounding like a ***?
It's taking me
like an hour.
But whatever.
I'm just
I'm going with the flow.
Sorry I'm late.
No, you're not.
So, how did it go?
Whoa.
He thinks
he has a black eye.
So either
really bad or really good.
He won't say.
I'm getting there.
Just let me finish.
I'm talking
about the night before.
All right, I'm in the back
of my store, and it's late,
the store's closed,
everybody's gone,
and I'm just paying my bills,
like I always do.
Then I hear the "ding,"
you know, on the computer,
[ ding ]
and the chat box pops up.
It's her.
Dori the hygienist?
Yes.
Yeah -- live.
So you get to see her,
she's right there, and
you're looking at her?
No, no, no --
words.
Words.
It's just her
typing from wherever,
But right then,
right then.
It's the chatting thing,
you know?
So I answer her,
and, you know,
I'm just trying to be funny,
telling a couple jokes,
and she's laughing.
Well, how do you know
she's laughing?
"lol.
"
what do you think?
[ chuckles ]
Anyway, so um
We make arrangements
to go out the next night
at the Oyster Bar.
And I say to her
"what are you wearing?"
"what are you wearing"
then
or "what are you wearing"
on the date?
Exactly --
I meant "on the date,"
But she writes, "whoa.
You mean now or tomorrow?"
[ sighs ]
And so I'm writing
back to her about that,
and before I can even write it,
she says,
"because right now
I'm not wearing much.
How 'bout you?"
[ chuckles ]
[ chuckles ]
[ keys clacking rapidly ]
all right.
[ ding ]
[ ding ]
[ sighs ]
[ ding ]
[ exhales ]
[ chuckles ]
[ chuckles ]
What?
He told me
to go with the flow.
[ laughs ]
Okay.
[ exhales sharply ]
[ ding ]
[ ding ]
"ha-ha, liar! Gotta go.
This was funny, cya tomorrow.
"
[ sighs ]
[ sighs ]
Hey, Mr.
T.
Hey!
I just forgot --
I'm gonna need that cd
'cause I'm going camping
this weekend.
Okay.
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I thought everybody was gone.
Whew!
Just, uh,
finishing up here.
Um, anyway,
I can burn you a copy
and bring it back
on Monday.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, no.
You need the cd.
I'll make you a copy.
Okay.
Great.
You have it?
Oh.
Yes.
Uh
There it is.
I got it.
Here you go.
Aah!
Oh, god! Sorry!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You're okay, right?
Wow.
You all right?
You're all right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
That was bad luck.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Mr.
T.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Sorry.
[ groans ]
[ slams desk ]
[ sighs ]
So you couldn't just lie
and typed that you pulled
your pants down?
I tried that.
You were honestly
gonna whack it in the office?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything
about whacking it?
Then why were
your pants down?
I don't know.
I was awaiting
further instructions.
Like what? "now staple your ***
to a post-it note"?
(Terry) This is the problem
with the information age.
No one talks anymore.
There's no room for nuance.
What nuance? She said,
"pull down your pants.
"
So with the store still open
and people still in it, right,
You said, "well,
I should do what I'm told"?
The store wasn't open.
Maria has a key.
Sometimes
she opens up in the morning.
So did she see
that under your desk there,
you were
letting freedom ring?
I don't know.
I couldn't tell.
ButI had to find out.
Why am I standing here?
You notice
anything strange about me?
Yeah, your head looks bent.
You got allergies?
You know, you're actually
a little bit taller.
Do me a favor --
squat a couple inches.
Squat? No.
Come on, are we gonna
settle up or what?
Yeah, it's crazy.
I left the car running.
In this neighborhood, I don't --
All right.
Yeah, here.
Here.
Here you go.
How 'bout those Jets,
huh?
Okay, what --
what are you doing?
Can you see my pants
now?
[ engine shuts off ]
[ indistinct conversation ]
[ both laugh ]
[ balloon hisses ]
Morning.
Hey, Mr.
T!
You sleep in?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
you got that right.
What's up?
You load, uhThe truck
for the Spencer luau?
I have a leg cramp.
You just climbed
a ladder.
How do you think
I got it?
Just load the truck.
A'ight.
I'll work injured.
I'm a team player.
[ grunts ]
Okay.
Whoo!
This cramp hurts.
Yeah, okay.
He's a playa,
all right.
We all know
he's a playa, right?
Huh?
Dashaun.
Oh.
Yeah.
Look, Maria, um
I don't know if this has
ever happened to you,
where, uh you kind of
think you see something,
Uh
but it's not real.
You know, not the way
you think it is.
Like a mirage, kind of.
Do
Okay, look.
Uh, my friend set me up
on a blind date.
And yesterday,
I was e-mailing her
just to introduce
myself.
So you don't need
that breakup cd.
You need
a first-date cd.
Well --
nah, not really.
I have a mix
that's for first dates.
It's in my car.
I don't, uh
[ sighs ]
Cut to the chase.
Did she see the python or not?
No -- come on, man!
No python.
The python was never out.
[ crunches ] [ chuckles ]
I just had to find out
if she saw something,
But I had to do it
without letting her know
I was trying to find out.
Hmm.
She's your
Schrodinger's cat.
Yup.
'course.
You know what that is?
Nope, but we also don't want
to hear you say what it is.
Schrodinger's cat
is a thought experiment.
Shut up.
A cat is trapped in a box
with a bottle of poison.
If you want to finout
if the cat is alive or dead,
you have to open up
the box.
But if you do,
the poison will be released
and instantly kill
the cat.
So in the box,
the cat is in a state
of being both alive and dead.
I hate you a lot.
It's a paradox.
The only way
to find out for sure
if your cashier saw
if your pants were down or not
is to tell her
your pants were down, hmm?
All right,
look, just, at this point,
I figure I'm just gonna cancel
the date 'cause it's jinxed.
You didn't try to cancel,
did you, Joe?
Joe.
Let me -- let me tell it.
[ whoosh ]
Unh!
[ crowd gasps ]
[ crowd murmurs ]
You okay, kid?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Take your base.
All right! All right!
[ cheers and applause ]
(Coach) Shake it off, now.
Shake it off.
All right!
He gets a base!
Way to take one
for the team, there!
Feeling good now, right?
Way to go, Dylan!
(Coach) Two outs,
a run on anything.
Let's go!
Dad! Dad!
(Joe) You know, she called me
then, at Albert's game,
and I just thought
[ cellphone ringing ]
I'm gonna cancel
right now.
Hello?
Joe, hey.
It's Dori Lamont.
Oh, hey, Dori.
Uh, yeah, I'm glad you called.
Dad!
Uh, can you hold on, Dori?
I'm at a baseball game, here.
Yeah, I'm right here, buddy.
I'm watching.
I-I can't do it.
No, no, Albert, you were
swinging great in practice.
Just relax
and take a swing.
No, dad.
I just --
I just can't do it.
Need a batter!
Uh, Dori, I got to go.
Listen, about tonight --
Hey, can you hold on, Joe?
The doctor's calling.
No --
Where's my batter?
All right, now,
just get in the box.
You don't even have to swing.
Just stand there.
It's all right.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Just take a strike.
That's all.
Albert -- time runs out,
there are two outs.
Let's go.
Make contact.
(Umpire) Coach,
let's get a batter up here!
I think you're gonna have to
go to the next batter, Lee.
It's an automatic out if we skip a batter,
Joe, unless he's injured.
Come on, Albert.
Your team needs you.
Hey, it's not
the playoffs, right?
(Umpire) Batter up!
What's going on, guys?
What's up?
What's the problem?
Nothing.
We're good.
Right, Albert?
Get in there,
throw your hands at the ball.
No.
Uh, the kid's
not feeling right.
Oh, I understand.
Yeah.
Well, that's
an automatic out, right?
Inning's over? Okay.
Hey, guys,
bring it on in!
No, no,
we're still up!
No one said
he's not getting up.
Then let's get moving, coach.
Step in the box, son.
Leg cramp!
Um, kid's got
a bad leg cramp.
He's got an injury.
Yeah.
He's still
walking around.
I mean, you don't walk around
with a leg cramp.
No, no, no, no.
He gets them.
He gets them just
from walking sometimes.
[ Albert groans ]
He gets bad ones.
Walk it off.
Stretch it out.
You didn't have bananas
this morning, right?
He's got to have a banana
before the game.
Leg cramp does not count
as an injury.
What, you want to wait till he
completely tears his hamstring?
Okay, all right.
Injury substitution.
Next batter.
(Joe) Thank you.
(Dori) Hey, Joe.
Sorry about that.
Oh, yeah, that's okay.
I've kind of got stuff
going on here, too.
So, it's 8:00, right?
At Oyster Bar
or is it Oyster Café?
It's the Oyster Bar.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, did you ever say
what you'd be wearing?
Uh
[ sighs ]
Suede blazer,
I guess.
Okay.
Great.
See you then.
All right.
See you there.
[ cellphone beeps ]
(umpire) Ball one!
Stretch it.
Rub it out.
Okay.
Yeah, organized sports.
A bunch of frustrated fathers
- living vicarioly thr--
- I finally figured it out.
Figured what out?
The black eye.
You were telling this story
to someone, fell asleep
and banged your he
on the table.
So, anyway
after we worked out,
I went to the store first
and then I went home
to get ready.
H-hold on.
You're leaving out
the part about the supermarket?
Oh, my god.
Really?
Groceries are
a part of is story?
No, no, no.
You'll like this part.
Plus, I'm in it.
Go ahead -- supermarket.
Oyster Bar's good, right?
It's got three stars
in the thing,
and it's quiet --
you can hear people.
Too much sugar.
Here.
You want to have something with
at least 25 grams of protein.
Okay?
Probably should have picked
a place with a buffet.
This way, you're up,
walking around --
less eye contact.
You should probably smell better
than you usually do, too, okay?
Ah.
Condoms.
No.
Condoms?
Yeah, you remember condoms, Joe.
They go on your ***.
This is not
gonna end up in sex.
You don't know that.
She's the only one who knows that.
Look, it's not gonna.
And if there's even a chance
of sex on the first date,
then she's probably
on the pill, right?
[ chuckles ] Please tell me
you're kidding.
What?
Just bring a ***, okay?
Better safe than sorry.
Plus, if anything,
it'll help you last longer.
I don't need that help, okay?
Thank you.
Boy, you got it all
planned out, don't you?
Actually, actually,
I got a pretty good system
when it comes to that --
no ***.
You want to know
what I do?
Uh, no.
If ever we're moving along,
and all of a sudden, I realize,
"***, you know,
I got to slow this down,"
I stop and I say,
"hold on.
I just want
to look at you.
"
"I just want
to look at you"?
Absolutely.
Seriously,
that's your technique?
That doesn't
freak them out --
just you stopping
and eyeballing them?
[ laughing ]
Oh, no.
They think I'm being intimate,
which I am.
But at the same time,
I'm, you know,
putting the troops
back in the plane.
You should have
your own cable-access show.
Yeah, for real.
Well, here.
These will do for now.
Nothing fancy.
[ sighs ]
Even back in the day,
I wasn't a *** guy.
Then you were an idiot.
How do you know
this is my size?
See if they got
a fitting room.
Look at this couple.
Why are they in a canoe?
[ toys squeaking ]
Have you moved
in the last three hours?
I'm on my break.
Oh, yeah --
Maria was looking for you.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, Mr.
T.
I just wanted
to ask you something.
Yeah.
Um, but
Dashaun, why don't you go
to the front of the store
and see what's happening
at the front of the store?
Okay, I mean, I still got a few more
minutes left on my break.
I'll give you an extra minute
for the walk.
Go.
Get a little sun.
Yeah.
What's up?
Um, well
I was just thinking
my mom's hosting a quinceñera
for my little sister.
So I was just hoping
I could get them a discount.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
No problem.
Yeah, we just had
a quecenier.
Quinceñera?
Quinceñera.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, but no problem,
yeah.
AndYou know what?
At cost.
Wow! [ chuckles ]
thanks so much.
I was gonna check out
the tablecloth catalog,
butYour office door
was locked, for some reason.
Who did that?
I-I didn't do that.
Why would I? Geez.
I don't know.
I'll fix that.
But, um good, so
I'll throw in the sales tax.
My gift.
Thanks, Mr.
T.
That's awesome.
Thank you.
That's all right.
Have fun.
How many people?
(Owen)
It was a shakedown?
I got no idea.
But you bought her off
anyway?
I don't know.
I mean, the employees
get a discount anyway.
I just -- you know,
I'm starting to think
Even Maria doesn't know
if she saw anything.
Sad, really.
This is all just very sad.
You know, I'd like to see you
go on a date
for the first time
in 20 years.
You'd be like,
"you're pretty.
I know you're pretty
'cause my pee-pee's big.
"
[ laughing ]
Well, at least
I'd know how to dress.
[ breathing heavily ]
When are you gonna get
lights in your garage?
[ grunts ]
When are you gonna get
your *** out of my garage?
Hey, you offered.
Oh,
hope it didn't get wet.
You know, for some crazy reason,
I had this vision
of you not living in a hotel
the rest of your life.
Here it is.
Got it.
Damn play-doh.
You know,
I tell melissa every time --
no gooey ***
for Christmas.
Hard toys -- you break them,
you throw them out.
Look at this.
All right.
[ clears throat ]
How do I look?
Trying too hard.
No.
What?
The jacket or the shirt?
Ah, both.
Well, I got to wear
the jacket.
She's gonna be looking
for a suede blazer.
And she'll be happy
she doesn't find one.
I can't go home
and change now.
I got to be
at the Oyster bar at 8:00.
Here we go.
I'll press the collar.
Already have the iron on.
AndGod,
please take that off.
You're ironing
for this man?
Well, when you go
on your first blind date,
I'll iron for you.
[ chuckles ]
So, seafood
on the first date, huh?
Yeah, why? Too exotic?
[ chuckles ]
I figured, if she's got
a seafood allergy,
she would have
said something, right?
Oh, not if she's smart.
See, smart women hide their
high-maintenance issues up front
roll them out
when you're more invested.
(Melissa)
What do you know about
high-maintenance women?!
I-I dated some
before I met you, darling.
Uh-huh.
That's right, darling.
Here we go.
This will work.
Ooh, Joe, you might want
to take off your wedding ring.
Oh, ***.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, man,
this whole thing
I wonder
if she's pretty.
You know, I hope she's pretty
b-but not too pretty.
I just -- I don't want her
out of my league.
Relax.
You'll be fine.
Joe, you've actually gotten
more attractive as you've gotten older.
What does that say
about where he started?
He has a full head of hair,
no gut, owns his own business.
For his age,
that's hot.
Well, you realize you just
mentioned three things I'm not.
Yes.
But you
you've got
those big, cushy cheeks.
Oh, I got it --
I'm fat.
You are not fat.
You are
my big, sexy bear man.
Well, that's not exactly
a compliment, but I get it.
Oh, no, you'll get it,
sexy bear man.
[ smooches ]
that's my cue.
Don't you get it?
[ smooches ]
Wish me luck.
[ muffled ]
good luck.
[ brakes squeal ]
[ engine shuts off ]
(Terry) Thank you.
So, that's it?
That's your fascinating part
of this story?
You gave him
his own shirt?
Well, seriously, though,
I promised the boys
that I'd take them
to laser tag sometime today.
So can we
speed this up?
All right, so I meet her,
and, um she was
You know, I got to say --
yes, you were right.
She was great.
(Terry)
Yeah.
I told you.
Shut up.
Keep going.
No, you shut up.
Go on.
Hey.
Dori?
Joe.
Yes.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Good.
I-I thought I was looking
for a suede blazer.
Oh, yeah, that, uhThat looked
kind of lame, so I
I was gonna call you,
but
Yeah, I didn't.
Sorry.
I don't know.
I was promised some suede.
[ chuckles ] Well, I got, uh
I got chaps in the car.
[ chuckles ]
I can throw those on.
Aren't those rawhide?
I have no idea.
[ laughs ]
I don't even really know
what they are.
I'm glad.
Are we drinking?
Thank God
she was easy to talk to.
I never had that awkward
"what do I say now?" thing.
And she laughed a lot.
Yeah, I told you --
fun, right?
Yeah, by the way,
we talked about that
and the way
that you described me to her.
"eccentric"
is a compliment.
No, not really.
Well, "eccentric" is like
a gentle way of saying "crazy.
"
But with money maybe.
Which, by the way,
I'm neither.
[ laughs ]
[ chuckles ]
Well,
how did he describe me?
Um, he said
"very pretty"
and "a lot of fun.
"
Well,
that just means "***.
"
[ laughing ]
No.
Yes.
No.
"fun" means "slutty,
but you kind of
like the girl anyway.
"
Well,
"eccentric" means "crazy,
but you kind of
like the guy anyway.
"
So, I guess we're just a couple
of fun, eccentric ***.
[ chuckles ]
Yeah.
Cheers.
There you go.
[ glasses clink ]
So, everything was really --
was going good.
I was going with the flow,
mostly.
What do you mean
"mostly"?
Well, I don't know --
I mean, there may have been
a couple times where I was
just kind of staring at her
And my mind starts thinking,
"oh, man, I should have started
with a more
average-looking woman.
"
Joe
I told you not to think.
I was trying not to.
At this point,
I feel like,
who has the time or energy
to lie about anything?
I mean, let's just say
I'm a big fan of honesty.
[ chuckles ]
Yeah, I mean, truth
truth is like a fungus.
If you don't shine a light on it
every so often,
you're gonna end up
with a closet full of mushrooms.
I don't get it.
I don't -- I mean,
I didn't make that up, but
[ laughs ]
I think I read it
on a fortune cookie.
Oh.
That's some big cookie.
It is.
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
Well,
so, screw it, right?
I figure,
if you have to lie to yourself
to make a relationship work,
is it worth it?
[ inhales deeply ]
You want, um
You want some honesty?
Hit me.
Okay, it's weird.
It's --
it's weird honesty.
So what?
Screw it, right?
I think so.
Yeah.
Okay,
the other night,
when we were having
our little cyber chat
Oh, oh.
No.
Listen.
I am so sorry
about that.
I-I was trying to be funny,
and it was just stupid.
I mean, what was I doing?
I was trying --
making a sex joke
on our first conversation?
I was gonna call you back,
but then I was just, like,
okay, that's just
gonna make things worse.
So, please [sighs]
just -- just forget it.
I-I -- just chalk it up
to nerves.
All right.
Yeah.
It's okay.
You were nervous.
Yes, I was.
I was, um
I was cold.
I-I
took my pants down.
No.
Yeah.
[ laughs ]
All right.
Good.
You're laughing.
I was worried.
Now -- okay, now that's probably
a little too much, but
it's better than
you running away, I guess.
[ laughing ]
No, I just -- oh, my God!
Now I feel really bad.
I see that.
You're really hurting.
[ cellphone rings ]
No, but that was
really honest.
[ chuckles ]
(Terry) And she answered?
I hate that!
That's the reason
I don't have a cellphone.
No, wait a minute.
The issue here is not
her damn cellphone.
It's, why would you tell her
that you took your pants down?!
You want to lower
your big, fat voice?
All right, go.
Keep going.
Look, I can't believe
that she answered.
You know, it's just --
It was okay, though.
It was good.
Good? Everything --
nothing wrong?
Okay.
Um, some weird honesty?
I think so.
That was my "out.
"
But I passed.
What's "out"?
You know,
when you have a friend call
about a half-hour into the date
to check on you
so you can pretend
you have an emergency
and bail
if you're not feeling it.
I don't know.
Really?
Yes!
Didn't you have
a bailout plan?
I didn't.
I was just --
I was gonna start a fire
in the bathroom
and wait
for the sprinklers to go.
[ laughs ]
Well, that would work.
Wow.
Wait -- her, right there?
Right from the bar?
Hello.
I know,
but you got a good review.
She thinks you're cute.
Oh, God.
She's drunk, then.
Don't drive!
Don't, uh
Bye.
Well, I hope it is okay,
because, um
Now I need a ride home.
Oh.
All right.
I'll, uh
walk you
to the bus stop.
[ laughs ]
that's great.
No, I think
I can manage that.
You like Air Supply?
That's all I got.
[ laughs ]
Here.
So, do you have a dog,
or is that
so you'll have something
to make me for breakfast?
You did not say that.
Nah, I didn't say that.
I'm just seeing
if you're paying attention.
So, we get to her house,
and I'm walking her to her door,
And we're talking
about something,
but all I can think of --
how do I say good night?
Do I kiss her?
(Terry) My God.
Just feel it out,
Richie Cunningham.
Yeah, okay, what if I
feel it out and I'm wrong?
What if I go to kiss her,
she turns her head,
and I eat some hair?
Right?
You got kids?
No.
No kids.
A dog.
Not yet.
Live-in boyfriend?
That's mine.
[ "Nice to be With You" plays ]
[ snaps fingers ]
[ chuckles ]
All right.
Right here?
(Owen)
Yeah, midnight basketball.
(Terry)
All right.
Okay.
And she was good, too.
She was really good.
(Dori) You got to do
the exact dribble that I do.
Oh, geez.
Do I have to wiggle like that?
Alley-hoop!
You're causin' commotion in my soul ♪
Ohhhh!
somethin' that's real,
I know it's gonna last a lifetime ♪
About the time I'm
gonna be with you ♪
Aaah, swish!
Ha ha!
I didn't even look!
I didn't even look!
[ laughs ]
and it's so nice
to hear you say ♪
Ooh, let it rain, baby!
You know,
there's more to this game
Than just
hot-shot shooting.
Well, you're lucky
I'm wearing a skirt.
I could school you
in some one-on-one.
Okay.
(Joe) So, I'm on the brink
of elimination.
(Owen) No way.
She beat you?
What was the score?
(Terry)
Seriously? The score?
Anyway, so I'm getting
real nervous,
So I just go, "all right.
If I make this shot,
I'm kissing her good night.
"
You're letting
a basketball shot
decide
the fate of your date?
Just take your time.
You just go with it.
However it feels,
you just do it.
Yeah, but this way,
if I make the shot,
then it's not up to me --
I definitely have to do it.
'cause I've made the bet
in my head.
Anyway
so, uh,
no pressure or anything.
[ chuckles ]
Ohhh! Ah.
I guess that's "e"
for "horsie.
"
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me
you threw it to be a gentleman.
Okay, I need to
be honest again.
Weird honest?
Do I kiss you?
or do I not kiss you?
Because I really want
to kiss you.
Mm.
I think
I have some, uh
Gatorade inside.
You want some?
Oh, ***.
[ snickers ]
yeah, yeah.
[ laughs ]
And?
Eh I'm trying to figure out
if I should tell you the rest.
You have a black eye.
[ chuckles ]
All right.
This is gonna sound corny,
but, I mean
it was -- you know,
it was great.
It was new.
[ The Drifters'
This Magic Moment" plays ]
I didn't want to have sex
just to have sex.
I wanted
I don't know.
At some point, I thought,
"I'm just gonna say good night.
"
And why? I mean, why push it?
Just
We had a good time.
I'm just --
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm just
gonna kiss you.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, do that.
this magic moment ♪
so different and so new ♪
but like any other ♪
until I kissed you ♪
And then there was this look
that we gave each other,
and we both kind of knew.
"this is gonna happen.
I'm gonna let this happen.
"
All of a sudden, I'm not
self-conscious about anything.
I'm not worried
about making a move.
I'm not thinking about Sonia.
I was just there.
And it happened.
Clothes started coming off,
and
you know, it's been 20 years
since this has happened,
but it was
it felt like it was
supposed to happen.
I mean, it felt
It felt right.
You know good.
You know?
It was new.
It was -- it was exciting.
ohhhhhhhh ♪
Almost, uh
almost too exciting.
Hold on.
[ record slows, stops ]
[ breathing heavily ]
I just want
to look at you.
H-here's the problem with
"I just want to look at you" --
Y-you're actually still looking
at an incredibly hot woman.
This surprises you?
Stupid *** Terry tells you
doesn't work?
You're not supposed to
actually look at them.
You're supposed to
look through them.
Yeah, well, it would have helped
if you told me that.
[ chuckles ]
Leg cramp!
[ grunts ]
[ grunts ]
[ belt jingles ]
[ stifling laugh ]
W-we're gonna need
some more coffee over here.
[ chuckles ]
Leg cramp, really?
That was the best
you could come up with?
It's the first thing
that popped in my head.
"leg cramp"?
As you fled the scene?
And locked the door.
Yes.
Well, at least
you committed to it.
He didn't commit to it.
He ran.
You can't run
with a leg cramp.
Well, I'm sure
he limped as he ran
dragged his foot
or something.
Right?
You limped a little?
Mnh.
Wow.
Joe?
Are you okay?
Yeah, no,
I'm -- I'm -- I'm fine.
You okay?
I'm fine.
What happened?
Did I hurt you?
No.
No.
No, I get
these really bad leg cramps.
That's all.
It just runs in the family.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Joe
You didn't really
get a bad leg cramp, did you?
[ inhales deeply ]
[ sighs ]
Okay.
Weird honesty?
Yeah?
I got
a bad leg cramp.
[ chuckles softly ]
I did.
I don't know, Joe.
This behavior's
kind of eccentric.
[ chuckles ]
Yeah, yeah.
[ sighs ]
Listen, I really had fun
with you tonight.
You know,
I can remember
when I used to go out
because it was fun.
And then
and one day,
you wake up panicked
that you're
gonna be single forever.
And dating isn't fun
anymore.
It's like a
job interview.
But tonight was fun.
You know, I wasn't
I wasn't worried about
what was gonna happen next.
I wasn't afraid that
someday I wouldn't be
attractive to men anymore.
Oh, no, no.
No, you're attractive.
Believe me.
That's why I'm in here.
[ chuckles ]
See, this is all
really flattering to me.
Oh, my god.
Your eye.
Look at your eye.
Are you okay?
Yeah, no,
the eye's okay.
I think
my ego needs an ambulance.
Here.
Well, come on.
Let me put something on it.
I guess what happened,
uh
It's better than
the opposite problem, right?
Oh, God, yes.
I've been there, too.
Believe me [scoffs]
talk about ego wounds.
This is much better.
Now, wait.
Just hold still
for just a minute.
You know,
I say "problem.
"
You know, I don't normally have
any problem in that area.
I didn't think that.
Yeah.
I mean,
I'm no superhero,
but my average time's
Yeah,
a pretty good number.
[ laughing ]
You keep an average?
I mean, I don't have
exact times,
but I think
every guy knows
his general stats
in that area.
Hmm.
I'm being honest.
Okay.
There.
[ smooches ]
Yeah, you know
I'm all about
the honesty.
See, I like that.
(Owen)
***.
Swear to God.
I call ***.
You expect us
to believe that --
that she gave you
more sex?
"gave" is not exactly
the right word.
"took.
"
she took more sex.
I think the wrong word
is "more.
"
[ both chuckle ]
Yeah.
Yeah, very funny.
Actually got the average
up to about 14 minutes.
And you're proud of that?
Average.
Average number.
Okay, with the first one being
a .
5, okay, you do the math.
Yeah, I'm not gonna spend
my Saturday morning
doing word problems about
your ***, but, you know
Joe, welcome
to the magnificent world
we call post-40 dating.
Yeah, no, I ain't doing
that *** again.
Once is enough.
[ laughs ]
Mm Oh
Ahh.
[ inhales deeply ]
Well
Melissa's gonna drop gloves
on me if I don't get home.
Yeah, I got to
get to the store.
I got a yoga class
to teach.
Seriously --
"leg cramp"?
My brain had no blood in it.
Leave me alone.
[ engine revs ]
[ brakes squeal ]
[ engine shuts off ]
Morning.
Hey, Mr.
T.
What happened?
You fall and hit your face?
Now, why do you assume
I fell?
How about
I got in a fight, maybe?
[ both laugh ]
Carlos, you don't even know
what I said.
No.
[ chuckles ]
There's a woman in costumes
asking for you.
Okay.
You're the first person I've
seen actually pull that off.
I'm not stalking you.
I swear.
No, no.
These are in demand now.
Everybody needs a big, red,
curly marabou headband.
How's the eye?
It's okay.
I got some pirate patches
in the next aisle.
Put that on.
It's kind of rugged.
I like it.
Yeah.
I feel tough.
[ snickers ]
What do you think
of these?
Yeah.
Hold it.
Okay.
Don't move.
What?
I just want
to look at you.
[ both laugh ]
I love it
every time you say it.
[ laughing ]
Oh, no.
Look at that.
Mr.
T is workin' it.
[ laughs ]