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Hello internet folks! How have you all been? I know, it's been a while.
but i am back and i'm here today to tell you the story
of goldilocks and three bears
Thus the hair.
Rawr. I'm a kitty...
I don't like this...
Mrowr.
Silliness aside, down to the serious business.
once upon a time
there were three bears.
papa bear
mama bear
and baby bear. Yay!
They lived together in a house in the woods.
Now, if this sounds unusual or strange that's because it is.
Bears don't usually co-parent and they don't usually live in houses.
But these were not your usual bears. It all goes back to last spring...
mr bear
if we're gonna have a cup
you should know that I plan to raise this cub as a human.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
Of course all their bear friends and family thought that this was completely insane
and try to talk them out of it
but mama bear and papa bear were determined
so eventually the other bears stopped trying.
we should build a house in these woods
and in that house we will have
three of everything
in three different sizes
three chairs,
three beds,
three toasters all in different sizes
The muses have spoken!
Which brings us to present day.
the bear family likes to go on long walks in the morning because they saw on t_v_
exercising as a family helps children develop healthy habits
and before you ask yes
the bears have three different television sets all in three different sizes
Oh, what a beautiful day
It's the sort of day that is so beautiful you just know that nothing could
possibly go terribly wrong. Yay!
Enter, Goldilocks. A young girl lost in the woods.
I appear
to be lost
in the woods
this is a problem
i am also getting hungry
this is also a problem
Goldilocks wasn't just saying that either.
when her blood sugar got low
she transformed into an inconsiderate vandalizing monster destroyed other
people's property
What's that? Is that a house?
It is!
It is a house!
It is a mysterious house deep, deep in the woods, far away
from any civilization.
I'm gonna go inside.
goldilocks didn't even bother knocking on the bear's door before she went in
so confident was she that nothing bad could ever happen to her
Now, if this were any other story Goldilocks would never be seen or heard from
again
This
is not that story
What a cute house!
i should live here
goldilocks noticed the breakfast that the bears had left out on the table
The bears couldn't actually eat porridge
but they made it anyway for the look of the thing. FOOD! MINE!
This is a nice big bowl of food. I shall devour it
with the help of my trusty spoon friend!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! AH! GAH!
oh my god that just made it worse!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Papa Bear liked to put chili oil in his porridge. Why?
because he could. That's why. God I need something to stop the pain!
*gorgle*
Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
Ow!
Argh!
Mama Bear had frozen her porridge solid.
because someone on t_v_ said that frozen food is better for you and
Mama Bear always did anything that anyone on TV told her to.
What the hell is wrong with this food?!
Rawr!
yet another chair
had fallen prey to Goldilocks infamous metabolism
we're gonna try this
one. More. Time.
this is
passable.
if walls could talk
all the walls in the house would have breathed
a sigh of relief.
except for the wall that had collided with the chair
that wall would have been nursing its wounds and whimpering quietly in the corner
All this eating and property destruction is
quite exhausting. I think I'll take a nap.
Where's the bedroom?
The house was fairly small and it didn't take Goldilocks long to find the bedroom
but papa bear's bed was too hard.
THIS BED IS TOO HARD!
I SMASH!
Rawr!
Mama Bear's bed was too soft.
this is memory foam.
i don't like memory foam.
it's too squishy.
Too squishy.
But Baby Bear's bed was just right.
that'll do, bed.
That'll do.
And so,
without a care in the world goldilocks fell asleep in the house of complete
strangers in the middle of the woods
a few minutes later the bear family returned from their morning jog
Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!
Goldilocks heard the voices and woke up.
she can
for some unknown reason
speak bear.
WHAT ARE YOU BEARS DOING HERE?! THIS IS MY
HOUSE! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
the bear family could not believe their ears.
excuse me little girl but you seem to be confused
this is our house.
Not anymore it's not!
I'm taking it! It's mine now! Get out!
We should call the cops!
Good thinking Baby Bear!
The bears tried calling the cops but the dispatcher just laughed at them.
Don't be ridiculous!
Bears don't have houses.
The bear family didn't know what to do.
Goldilocks had locked all the doors and windows and the cops weren't coming to
help them
the sun was starting to set and baby bear was starting to cry
that with last straw for Mama Bear.
That's it. I'm breaking the window and eating her.
No Mama Bear!
you mustn't
We're bears, Papa Bear.
i know this whole human thing was my idea
but there is only so much that i can take
mama bear broke the window and stuck her head in.
when goldilocks are the big bear head coming through the broken window she
screamed grabbed the nearest object, a chair and used it to bash open a
window on the other side house. she then jumped out of the window with
the chair strapped to her back and ran screaming
all the way home. Ahhhh! This is mine now. You can't have it.
It's mine.
The bear family had a long serious conversation about
their future and what sort of bears they wanted to be
mama bear and papa bear decided that maybe humans weren't such great role models
after all
they decided that they should start teaching baby bear to be a real bear
before it was too late
they dismantled their house and donated all their belongings to charities
and everyone with happily ever after
except for the chair
the chair
was miserable
and that is the story of goldilocks and the three bags i hope you enjoyed it as
usual if you have any comments please put them in the comments section
and i will see you next time. The End.