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You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time
somethin' good happened to me
somethin' bad was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad I've ever done
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be
a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] As important as it is for me
to cross things off my list
it's also important to take time out
to enjoy the finer things in life
like jumpin' a tiny motorcycle
over my brother's head.
I'm excited.
I'm gonna stick my tongue out
to see if he touches it.
But you gotta tell me what it looks like
'cause I'm too scared to keep my eyes open.
Earl, we got a problem.
- Ow.
- Jesse's back.
[ Earl Narrating ] The Jesse Joy was talkin'
about was my ex-girlfriend.
She was also number 145
on my list.
I first met Jesse
at her workplace.
In business terms, I was what
they call a repeat customer.
You keep this up, I'm gonna have to
rename this place Hickey Bail Bonds.
Well, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you
to institute a no nut-kicking policy.
Ow!
Well, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you
to institute a no nut-kicking policy.
Ow!
- Ooh! [ Chuckles ]
- Sorry about that.
Here.
You can use
my nut ice for your head.
It's only been on
the outside of my pants.
Aren't you a gentleman.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was love at first sight.
So we started hangin' out.
In fact, Jesse was the first person to ever
let me jump her with a tiny motorcycle.
She even got along with Randy
who finally found someone
who enjoyed Mad Libs as much as he did.
- [ Randy ] Okay, read it back.
- Okay.
"Once upon a time, there was a butt princess
who lived in a beautiful butt castle.
"
- [ Laughing ]
-"Until one day she was captured
by a fire-breathing butt.
"
[ Gasping ]
"A beautiful butt castle.
"
That's just crazy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were goin'so well
she even gave me a three-week
anniversary present.
Oh, my God!
Metallica tickets!
Third row!
That's close enough to get sweat on.
I know.
I'll see you later.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Jesse had a good thing goin'.
And it was all happenin'
pretty fast.
But, not as fast as it happened
later that night with Joy.
In just seven hours, I went from havin'
a semi-serious three-week girlfriend
to bein' the husband of a pregnant woman
whose name I kept forgettin'.
I thought about callin' Jesse
to talk to her
and tell her
what I had done.
But then I realized that I'd have to talk to her
and tell her what I had done.
[ Joy ]
Oh, snap.
You got us Metallica tickets
for our honeymoon?
[ Clears Throat ]
Actually, those tickets are for, uh
- our honeymoon.
- Metallica tickets!
I am so takin' off my ***
and sittin' on your shoulders.
That might upset
the people behind us.
There ain't
nobody behind us.
[ Earl Narrating ] If tellin' Jesse it was over
was difficult before
our Metallica honeymoon
had made it impossible.
Great concert.
Baby liked it too.
He's still bangin' his tiny
fists on my cootie wall.
He's gonna be a drummer.
[ Earl Narrating ]
But Jesse eventually tracked me down
which wasn't hard because there were
two places I like to drink.
And since I wasn't in my El Camino,
well, she found me.
Hide me.
Sweetie,
where have you been?
Are you okay?
I've been tryin' to reach you for days.
Yeah, I, uh-
You went to the concert
without me?
Now, honey, why would he take you?
It was our honeymoon trip.
Look, Lars even
signed my baby hump.
What is she talking
about, "honeymoon"?
It's actually
a pretty funny story.
Uh-
We got married, sweetheart.
Read it and weep.
That's not the funny version.
You married this ***?
I'm sorry.
Maybe you need to read it again.
Now, put those teeth
under your pillow
and maybe the tooth fairy
will bring you your own man.
[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad about Jesse,
but what was I gonna do?
I was married now, and after
seein'my wife's left hook
I decided it was best
to stay on her good side.
And I figured six years later
Jesse would have forgotten about me
and what Joy did to her,
but I was wrong.
Okay, we got Hank Lange, broke out of jail.
Look's like 10 G's.
Our buddy, Ralph Mariano.
Larceny of a dog, resisting arrest.
1 ,200.
Joy Turner, formerly known
as Joy Hickey.
[ Lisping ]
Did you just say Joy Hickey?
Yeah, Joy Hickey.
Failure to appear
on a traffic ticket.
200.
- I'll take this one.
- Not worth our time.
It's worth mine.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though Joy's bounty was 200 bucks
and a bounty hunter license was 250,
Jesse took the loss.
She wasn't in it
for the money.
She could have gone
after Joy right then
but she didn't want
to bring her in.
- She wanted to bring her down.
- [ Grunts ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so she set out to get tough.
Tough enough that she wouldn't
be humiliated again.
Eighteen.
Nineteen.
[ Meowing ]
I'll feed you
in a second, Lolly!
Twenty.
- Now finish him!
- [ Screams ]
[ Man Groans ]
[ Growling ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And after a few months
that sweet secretary had turned into
an ***-kickin' bounty-huntin' machine.
[ Both Shouting ]
[ Screams ]
- I like that Wonderbug.
I wish we had a car that flew.
- Hmm.
I wish we had a car we didn't
have to start with a spoon.
It seems a shame to waste your
wish on somethin' that small.
- [ Man ] Bounty hunter!
- Bounty hunter?
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!
Bounty!
Bounty hunter!
Oh, crap.
- Hey! Hey!
- What?
Where's Joy Turner?
I got a warrant for her arrest.
I gotta go.
Quick, give me the car spoon.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Joy didn't want to go to jail
she hightailed it over to me
lookin' for some help.
- Jesse, huh?
- Yeah.
She looks tough, and
she's got a shotgun with her.
She could toss me in the air
and shoot me like skeet.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I knew
I had to do number 145 on my list-
ditched Jesse to marry Joy.
Earl, do we have
any scissors?
This motorcycle's startin'
to hurt my head skin.
I don't understand this, Joy.
How can Jesse take you to jail?
I got a warrant out for not appearin' in court
for a stupid traffic ticket.
I mean, just 'cause
the car's stuck in reverse
don't mean the kids
don't have to go to school.
This is all your fault, Earl.
I know it is.
I shouldn't have left her the way I did.
- I guess she never got over me.
- [ Hair Rips ]
[ Exhales ]
It's probably the mustache.
Don't worry, Joy.
I'll go talk to her.
- Maybe you should shave first.
- Randy, that is not an option.
You wanna play Mad Libs?
Yeah.
Here's a Mad Lib.
Shut the blank up.
Shut the "butt" up.
Do another one.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Meanwhile, Darnell was busy tryin'to stall Jesse.
- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.
- Where is she?
- She's in the bedroom tearin' things up
lookin' for clues
and whatnot.
I'm totally freakin' out.
Can you tell?
- Not really.
- I had a little cocktail.
Hey, Jesse.
Wow, you look,
uh, intense.
[ No Lisp ]
Thank you.
- Where is she, Earl?
- I don't know.
You're lying.
I'm trained to spot liars.
- I'm not lyin'.
- Seriously, I took a seminar at the Marriott.
I sat in the front row.
You're lying.
I'm gonna ask you
one more time.
Where is she, Earl?
Look, Jesse, I'm the one who dumped you
for another girl, and I'm sorry about it.
I'll make it up to you.
I'll pay off your dentist bill.
Or your jeweler bill
or whoever put those in.
This isn't about you.
This is about respect
for the law
and me knockin' that ***'s
teeth out for resisting.
[ Exhales ]
Are you scared
to go to jail?
- Wouldn't you be?
- Not really.
You're goin' to girl jail.
That's way different than regular jail.
- How so?
- 'Cause it's chicks.
It's just truth or dare and pillow fights.
Like a slumber party.
Did you talk to her?
Is she gonna take me to jail?
Not right away.
She's plannin' on knockin' your teeth out first.
I can't lose my teeth, Earl.
I'm gonna be the first woman in my family
to get to 30 with all my originals.
Relax, Joy.
She doesn't know where
we are.
I'll figure somethin' out.
I need to calm down.
Give me a light.
If you're gettin' locked up,
you should save your cigarettes.
They're like money in jail.
And that's the same for boy jail and girl jail.
That's weird.
I had a book of matches in here.
[ Banging ]
Joy!
I know you're hiding her
in there, Earl!
She picked my pocket.
I know you're in there, Earl.
I can tell by the light flickering behind
the peephole every time you move your head.
I learned that
at the Marriott too.
We're goin' out to the R.
V.
in the woods.
Call us when she's gone.
- How am I supposed to call
if she makes me dead?
- [ Jesse ]Joy!
Come on, come on, come on!
[ Banging ]
- Hey, Jesse.
- Hi, Randy.
Nice to see you.
You look great.
Are you doing something
different with your hair?
I switched shampoo.
Well, it's workin' out for you.
Hey, have you seen
your brother or Joy?
No.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Back in the day, when Joy and I wanted
to get away from the hustle
and bustle of Camden
we went to our vacation home
we found by the lake.
The fact that it was an abandoned R.
V.
meant
there were no bills to pay
but it also meant there were no keys
and it had mushrooms growin'in the carpet.
Whoo! It's colder in here
than it is outside.
I'll try to find us
some blankets.
[ Both Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out a homeless man had
claimed our vacation home away from us
and he wasn't leavin'
without a bribe.
I want a pair of shoes and a 35-second hug
from the cute one.
All right.
Sounds fair.
[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't realize at the time was
the shoes he wanted
were Joy's
and the one he wanted
a hug from was me.
Thanks for
the jacket, Earl.
If anyone deserves
to be cold, it's me.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- It's your brother.
- Hello?
I wanna start out
by sayin' I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Randy, did you tell her where we were?
I'm sorry, Earl.
She found my weakness.
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Earl Narrating ] Meanwhile, at the motel
Jesse was workin' Randy, tryin' to
find out where me and Joy were.
They're in the R.
V!
They're in the R.
V!
They're in-
[ Grunts ]
Okay.
Don't worry.
We're not gonna let her take you to jail.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll drive you to Goshen.
There's an old barn out there me and Ralph
used to hide out in, Ponyboy style.
If I'm gonna sleep in a barn,
I might as well go to jail.
You're right.
We'll find you a motel around here.
- Earl.
- No, don't worry.
I'll pay.
- No, Earl, you're not gonna pay.
- Yes, I am.
Look, I got enough
for the first night.
- I'll go back to my place to get more.
- Earl, just stop.
You don't have to
do any more, Earl.
Look, you snuck me
all the way up here.
You gave me your jacket
and your shoes.
You did some gay stuff with a homeless guy.
You've done enough already.
But this whole thing's my fault, Joy.
It's on my list.
I ditched Jesse
to run off with you.
Earl, you didn't run off.
I stole you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It seems Joy's lyin' and deceivin' me
had started
before we even met.
I'll see you later.
Y'all, I'm serious.
I don't know how I'm gonna pay for this baby.
I don't even have
a place to live.
If I don't find a man soon,
I'm screwed.
How about that guy?
He looks sweet.
That boy? Y'all, just 'cause I'm pregnant
don't mean I'm gonna marry Corky.
What's this?
Hold the phone.
Don't do it, baby.
Don't do it.
Don't lick the chalk.
Put it down.
He's perfect.
But y'all gonna have to
get him ready for me first.
[ Earl Narrating ] There's only one way to get a guy
like me ready to marry a pregnant woman.
[ Crowd Chanting ]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
[ Slurred ]
Your girls are great.
You girls are great, 'cause-
[ Laughs ]
Wait.
What were we-
What were we talkin' about?
- I think he's ready.
- Boo, if you think we're great,
you gonna love our friend Joy.
Joy, huh?
She sounds great.
Oh, no, you didn't!
Tell me you didn't just go old school.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that right there was all it took.
The next mornin', I had a hangover
and Joy had a husband.
Oh, my God.
You're married?
Yeah, sweetie.
To you.
Excuse me.
Hey, Robin.
Guess who don't have to
move into the shelter with you anymore.
My baby's got a daddy.
[ Giggles ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
For a minute I wondered if, once again
I had drunk nine months
of my life away.
Wow.
I, uh-
Wow.
Look, Earl, you have a lot of bad stuff
you done on that list
but what happened
to Jesse was my fault.
It shouldn't be on there.
Thanks, Joy.
I'm sorry for trickin' you
into marryin' me
while I was carryin'
another man's baby
and for havin' yet
another man's baby
and for leavin' you
while you were in the hospital
and some other stuff.
You know what?
It's okay.
We had a rough six years
together, but there were a lot of parts I loved.
There were a lot of parts
I loved too.
- Earl?
- Give me another minute.
Just tryin' to get that gay
homeless guy out of my mind.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was proud of Joy for turnin' herself in.
She was on the road
to a better life.
Unfortunately, that road
had Jesse's Suburban in it.
Crap, crap, crap.
- Let me go talk to her.
- Earl.
You done enough takin' care of me.
You stay here.
I'm gonna go take care
of this by myself.
Look, Jesse.
I'm turnin' myself in.
There is no need
for any violence.
We both know this isn't
about you going to jail.
Say good-bye
to your teeth, ***.
[ Spits ]
[ Groans ]
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
[ Screams ]
Where the hell did you learn
to fight like that?
I watch a lot of Springer.
Here.
Melt these down.
Bail me out.
[ Panting ]
[ Engine Starts ]