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[MUSIC PLAYING]
PRINCE WILLIAM: Gentlemen, our great nation today is
embroiled in perilous times.
It is for this reason that I have received an emergency
blessing from my Nana herself to officially reinstate the
Court of Camelot, its storied Round Table, and you, the
brave Knights of said Round Tab--
[MUSIC STOPS]
PRINCE WILLIAM: --each Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday
and alternating Sundays.
Like many others--
SIR SEAN CONNERY: I call "King Arthur."
PRINCE WILLIAM: Ahh--
SIR SEAN CONNERY: Are we doing that yet?
Because if so, then you know, "dibs."
PRINCE WILLIAM: Well, actually, Sir Sean, I've been
ordained future king by a mandate from heaven, but--
SIR ELTON JOHN: Sir Sean is King Arthur, and I think I'll
take "Sir Lance-A-Lot." Get it?
PRINCE WILLIAM: Hm.
SIR ELTON JOHN: What about you, Branson?
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: I want to run naked through fire.
PRINCE WILLIAM: Ah, what? uh--
SIR SIDNEY POITIER: I'm still not 100% sure what this is.
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Ugh, tell me about it.
I mean, really, who invited Hawking?
He's not one of us.
STEPHEN HAWKING, CM: I just want to be included.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Oh, leave him alone, Sir Ian McKellen.
He's harmless.
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Please, Sir Elton, call me "McKerlin."
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: You want him to call you what?
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: I guess I was hoping I might be
permitted to just hang around making fanciful potions and
such and, I don't know, sort of be the Merlin of the group.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Oh, that's cute.
PRINCE WILLIAM: Look, with all due respect, Sir Ian, Merlin
wasn't a knight.
He was a-- oh, buggery ***.
I don't care what you call yourselves, so long as we
promise we'll all go on many cracking adventures together,
just like the Knights of Camelot did in all of my
favorite yarns.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: That we will, my boy.
[CHAIR SCRAPES AS HE STANDS UP]
SIR SEAN CONNERY: In fact, as the resident King Arthur of
the group, I've already planned out our first
adventure in full.
PRINCE WILLIAM: Oh, no fair.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: To acquire a development deal with a
prominent television studio willing to pay out the *** to
document our future acts of heroic selflessness.
STEPHEN HAWKING, CM: Warning.
The future of old media is highly uncertain.
You may want to consider allying yourselves in some
capacity with new media.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: Computer, I'll thank you to keep that
brand of sass talk to yourself.
It's a moot point anyway, as I've already dispatched the
noble Sir Paul to secure that TV deal this very afternoon.
Furthermore, one has no reason to doubt it is going exactly
as planned.
TV EXECUTIVE 1: Owwww.
TV EXECUTIVE 2: You can't do that.
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: What?
TV EXECUTIVE 1: [GROANS IN PAIN]
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Uh, you know I'm
Paul McCartney, right?
TV EXECUTIVE 2: And?
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Did I mention I've been knighted?
TV EXECUTIVE 2: Yeah, multiple times.
It doesn't mean you can run around
impaling anyone you like.
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Uh, are you sure about that?
TV EXECUTIVES 1 AND 2: Yes.
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Sir Ben Kingsley, is that true?
SIR BEN KINGSLEY: I don't know.
But I'll be happy to look it up later for you, [BLEEP].
Sorry.
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Yeah, all right.
See, we're going to look it up later.
But I don't think you're right on this one.
TV EXECUTIVE 2: I promise you, I am.
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY: Well, agree to disagree.
Anyhoo, here's the treatment for our TV show.
Do try and get a look at it when you can.
If you don't mind, we've got to be heading back to Camelot.
They may need me.
I'm sort of like the King Arthur of the group.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: I've seen enough, Computer.
I swear, that pompous backstabber McCartney is such
a Lancelot.
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: Hey!
I can back-stab just as well as McCartney can.
Plus, I called it.
PRINCE WILLIAM: [YELPS IN PAIN].
SIR ELTON JOHN: Actually, I called Lancelot.
Back me up on this, McKellen.
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Get it right, people.
It's McKerlin.
Gosh!
PRINCE WILLIAM: Gentlemen, please!
Don't quarrel.
Knights are meant to be friends.
SIR SIDNEY POITIER: Can I go home?
I was not under the impression that being knighted carried
contractual obligations.
PRINCE WILLIAM: You should have read
the fine print, Sidney.
STEPHEN HAWKING, CM: Aye yay yay.
Knights, we are in terrible trouble.
[ELECTRONIC ZAPPING NOISE]
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Round Table, I've just received word that
you've been blacklisted from the entirety of the film and
television industry in Hollywood.
Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Now!
[CLEARS THROAT]
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Cheerio.
Well, I think that went well.
How do you turn this thing off--
[ELECTRONIC ZAPPING NOISE]
SIR ELTON JOHN: She's probably just tired.
PRINCE WILLIAM: Oh, I don't know how we'll ever get out of
this plight alone.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: Don't stand in the way of
true leadership, child.
Let me think.
[INSPIRING MUSIC BEGINS TO SWELL]
SIR SEAN CONNERY: If we have indeed been blacklisted from
the old system, perhaps it's time one embarked on a quest
to conquer something new.
Verily I must warn you, one will no doubt endure perilous
adventures and voyage into dangerous enemy territories.
My friends, I believe it is time we set out to conquer a
little something I like to call "Jew Media."
STEPHEN HAWKING, CM: New Media.
SIR SEAN CONNERY: Computer, that's what I said.
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: Sir Sean, you're a genius.
[PLOTTING MUSIC BEGINS TO SWELL]
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: All we need do is find a successful
new media company and devise a way of ingratiating
ourselves to them.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Yeah, really kiss their ***.
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Perhaps even plug them shamelessly.
PRINCE WILLIAM: Well, but--
how do you all suggest we do that?
[CELEBRATORY MUSIC]
[MUSIC ENDS]
SIR SIDNEY POITIER: Can I go home?
Seriously.