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'The new season on the Immature Channel
'continues with classic drama.'
Master Edward, perish the very thought.
You shall never have the hand of my daughter.
I assure you madam, my intentions are honourable.
I have a good family and I wish for your daughter to become my wife.
Sir, you will not marry her. You will not touch my ***.
Touch my ***!
What is wrong with you, sir?
You said ***. It's rude.
'We have wartime drama.'
We must take control of the skies.
It is the key to the total war, the Blitzkrieg.
What is the plan, Herr Goering?
We fly the Messerschmitts to the Russian front.
Ja wohl.
And to Britain, we fly the Fockers.
Was?
The Fockers.
Fockers?
Haha! The Fockers? Hahahaha!
'And top quality sport.'
We gotta win this game, guys.
How we going to do it?
Well, play defence for the first half
and go all out in the third period, right?
Period?
Hahaha! He said period!
'That's the new season on the Immature Channel.'
Ok, Cheryl and Amanda.
ITV's budgets have been slashed and I'm going to have to
lose one of you from my shows.
BOTH: What?
No, come on, man!
There's only one fair way to do this and that is whichever one of you sobs
the most at my manufactured hard luck story stays, OK? Good.
Enter!
I'm bringing up two kids by myself.
All I ever wanted to do was sing
but their dad walked out on me after I was diagnosed with having ME.
Bravo, Cheryl. That's the kind of sobbing that my shows need.
Well done. Keep up, Amanda. NEXT!
While I was on my second tour of duty in Iraq,
my best mate got shot and died in my arms.
I told him I'd enter this competition for him, so...
That is some of the best crying that I've ever seen.
OK, we're all square. Here's the decider. NEXT!
While I was working in a nightclub toilet, I was physically attacked
by a reality TV show-winning pop star.
That is just breathtaking. You can stay.
***!
Sorry Cheryl, but you're out.
Cheryl? >
You toilet cleaning ***, I'll make you pay
for losing me my *** job, mind.
New from Wintendoh, the Piii, a totally new generation
of home gaming, with great games including Ladies Shoe Shop.
Stick on your Jimmy Choos or else you'll lose.
Yes! Whoo!
Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail, it's your own DVD to keep.
It's Facebook films, classic movies remastered by the people of Facebook,
including Facebook Indiana Jones.
And Facebook Batman.
Facebook Sex in the City.
She did say she'd be late.
Waiter, I ordered my friend a pork roll,
but I think she's already got one.
Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail.
The first camera went on sale in 1888 and soon after the paparazzi
started to photograph celebrities. But if you thought that that was when
the paparazzi were invented, you'd be wrong.
Here they come. Here you go. Katie, give us a wink, darling!
Karen, give us a smile, darling.
Over here, darling.
There we are.
Show us a bit of ankle, Karen.
Smile, Karen, smile.
Oh, yes, look at that. Give us a wink, Karen. Lovely.
'First, there was Superman.
'Then, Batman.
'Now the biggest British comic book hero of them all appears
'for the first time on the big screen.
'In 2009, action has a new name.'
Roy!
'..of the Rovers! The story of one man's journey to the top
'in the face of temptation...'
Roy, how about these highly addictive steroids
though they'll probably result
in a spiralling descent into addiction.
You're all right, mate, I've got a big game coming up.
Yeah, fair enough.
'..and even more temptation.'
Roy, I'm a billionaire businessman and I've invented a metal suit
that will turn you into the greatest footballer ever.
No thanks, mate, I'll just train really hard.
You boring ***.
'Featuring an American film company's understanding of English football.'
Right, lads, I want you to kick the ball about,
pass to each other but not the other team, and if you can,
kick it into their net, but whatever you do, don't kick it into our net.
Let's go and play a game of football!
'Featuring scenes of appallingly shot soccer.'
They've scored a goal. We need to score one to equalise
and then another goal to beat them in the game.
'A story of triumph...'
Well done. You scored a goal.
'..a story of adversity.'
Oh...I fell over!
'Roy of the Rovers.
'Football has never been so exciting.'
Following the success of E4's teen drama, Skins,
More4 presents an adult version.
Oh, my teeth have come lose.
Ooh, my back.
Has anyone got any pills...
for my angina?
That's Wrinkly Skins, coming soon on More4.
Hi, I'm Gok Wan. I used to be fat but I don't like to mention it.
I'm here with Jane. So Jane, what can Gok do for you, darling?
I just want to be that little bit slimmer.
Sorry, who booked this big fat lesbian?
This is the Gok Wan Show, not *** Fat Club.
Sorry, but you're gonna have to *** off.
You see, it's all about the confidence.
'Welcome back to the 85th Emmy awards and our next guest presenter
'is House star, Hugh Laurie.'
Hello America, I'm Hugh Laurie,
Doctor House, and I'm here tonight to present the award for best actor.
The nominees are:
Charlie Sheen for Two and a Half Men,
APPLAUSE
Kiefer Sutherland for 24,
and Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock.
Well, strike me down and call me Susan, it's only a bloody tie!
It's Blackadder, Baldrick and me!
Yours truly, what what?! Haha!
Well, come on up, lads, your luck's in. What? They're not here?
Well, I'll bloody well take it back to Blighty myself for them, won't I?
Come on then, chaps, to Squiffy's soiree,
the gin slings are on the Hughster. Whoa!
This year, the King of Pop passed away,
leaving a hole in millions of lives
but now, thanks to Battel, you can remember him forever
with the all new commemorative Michael Jackson Mr Spud Head.
It's Off The Wall fun for all the family
with the all new Michael Jackson Mr Spud Head.
Your Wacko Jacko doll comes with classic King of Pop outfits
so that every era can be catered for, and not forgetting
a selection of three different removable noses so you can recapture
all of Michael's classic looks.
And while stocks last, Michael Jackson's Mr Spud Head
comes with a free mourning Bubbles.
Why don't you moonwalk down to all good toy shops now?
(May not be suitable for very young children.)
This week on Film 4, we continue our series
of British comic book films made by American film studios.
'In a world that no longer exists, one man lives only
'for the small pleasures in life. Drinking...'
That's my rent money down the toilet.
Let's go home and knock the wife about.
'..football...'
Oh, look at that, lost again.
I think I'll go home and knock the wife about.
'..and knocking the wife about.'
I'm home now. I think I'll go and knock the wife about.
Open the door, you slag.
'This summer, lose yourself in the story
'of a man who has absolutely no interest in overcoming adversity.'
I can explain everything. I got pissed.
Oh, Andy, I'm going to have to knock myself about now.
'Andy Capp. This week on Four.' �