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Hi All! My name is Lea. I just want to introduce myself and tell you, why this Vlog is in Vorarlberger Dialect. ... reckless :)
My transition was already between 1999 and 2003.
After that, I had a long deep phase of self-exploitation
I did deny and conceal my story and degraded myself to a working robot.
Violence against myself overwhelmed me, fear (of whatever) determined my life.
I was near to self-destruction and I guess, I had a real burnout.
At the beginning of September Youtube suggested - don't know why, live sometimes inexplainable - a transition-slideshow to me.
In the middle of »Kaufen für die Müllhalde«, »The Corporation« and »Danistakratie« (all are system-critical documentary)
I saw a »My Transition - 18 months of Hormones« in the bar righthand side.
I was peeved a lot about that. I was sure, »trans« was not in my live for years.
I did not even know, that there are videos on Youtube about (there was no Youtube when i did my transition)
and I, for sure, did not google it.
I could simply, not explain, how THEY could know about this context.
With a little Anger I clicked on it and ...
... it worked wonder!
It was just a »400 face-photos in 3 minutes«-show nothing exciting, nothing extraordinary …
…but it was new to me and i specially focussed to the eyes of her.
As long as she was a boy, they were empty and without meaning anything.
But when she starts the transition, they startet to shine. And this shiny eyes become more shining ... … and more shining … and even more shining! :)
A few seconds before the Video was over, I started weeping.
I don't cry very often, but this was so touching to me.
Touching because my eyes once shined so, too - maybe even more.
Where is that gone to? Why do my eyes don't shine anymore?
In this moment I noticed, what I did to me in the past 8 years,
how I drown myself in fear, in being other-directed, likeable and conform.
Conclusion: »I will ultimately stop this immediately!«
Right in this moment i decided to be kind to myself from now on ... without condition!
… and started a new live. :)
Don't get me wrong:
I still work in the same place and I still work a lot,
I still am in debt and it still is a large amount.
I still have a lot of responsibility and I still take it. Live goes on …
… but with a completely different meaning.
Now there is a amplified consideration for myself …
a Haircut, shopping dresses, Contact-lenses,
going out and meet people, a »HRT 2.0«,
and practicing my voice and speech …
… and this is the answer to »why is this Vlog in Vorarlberger Dialect?«.
I should not only read text, I should practice my day by day talk, otherwise it won't be really helpful.
And this is how we talk here in Vorarlberg ... this is my language. :)
That's what it is all about ... ... it's about practicing talking in my language. :)
if you are not familiar with Vorarlberger Dialect (and i guess you are. :) ) i did this subtitle instead of the translation.
Thank You for following,
thank you for your comments. :)
thanks for letting me be here with you. :)
thats it from me and
I'll come up soon with a report about my HRT 2.0. ... bye! :)