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ladies and gentlemen please welcome christopher titus
so it seems
that because every syndrome and disorder we've invented
in the last twenty years
the los angeles times reported that sixty-three percent american families
are now considered dysfunctional, my gawd!!!
that means we're the majority
we're normal
it's the people who have the mommy and the daddy and the brother and sister, the little white
picket fence, those people are the freaks man!!!
my parents divorce settlement involved a bar tab
then a big court battle on who got to keep me, mom won she made me live with dad
and dead collected things for me stepmothers
'til i was ten i thought women were rent to own
i've got five
step... my dad's been approved for a marriage license gold card
i now pronounce you man and wife
sign there, bottom copy's yours
my father, a hard drinkin' man from the seventies, we actually have no pictures of my dad
where he is NOT...
holding a beer
weddings, funerals, water-skiing
parent-teacher conference
when i got sick a lot of as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up
shot a of hundred prove whiskey
never got sick
that i can remember
if i had a cough, BOOM, shot of whiskey
got outta hand there when i woke up in a field on my big wheel naked
strange pampers on my head
first-grade show-and-tell taught the class to mix long island iced teas
from scratch
i love being from a screwed up family, we had everything in my family, prescription drug abuse
mental illness... one of my uncles is a mormon
and people get so weird about mental illness, it's like anything else you
followed the rules, you don't put a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient
on a hunting trip with ya
my mom's insane, 'course i don't me "my mom's insane"... i mean we the jury find the
defendant
when i was a kid she was in a mental care facility
or is dad so eloquently put it... "she shacked up in the wacko basket...
"tch"
...sleep well, boy!!!"
actually comforts me to know that when i was in kinder-garden, gluing macaroni to paper
plates my mom was in therapy gluing macaroni to paper plates
i use to put her projects on the refrigerator
you better lighten the *** up cause we're going alot further than that tonight
you know that little kids can't draw, you gotta guess what the hell the picture is
my mother has so many rorschach test by the time i was three she knew exactly
what i drew every single time
well honey; tree, ducky, bunny, train, and those are the aliens that planted the microchip
in my head
you wanna feel it...no
that's a pretty good call mom, i was going for doggie but ok
i want to know i love my mama, i owe her everything cause without her i don't exist, without
her i wouldn't be doing this for a living
without her in four states it'd still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine
she touched a lot of lives
diagnosed manic depressive
schizophrenic
actually it was pretty cool because as a kid i never really knew who was coming to dinner
but i was pretty sure they were going to be bummed out
use to *** my teachers off my permission slips had different signatures
on them
ok mr. smart *** why don't you stand up
who's this one supposed to be
it's my mom
heh heh heh heh call her
but let me listen, let me listen, let me listen
i bet my lunch money she's weezy jefferson today
i love from a screwed up family, 'cause nothing bothers me any more, nothing bugs me
once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing what else is there...BRING IT ON!!!!
normal people scare the living *** out of me
no because normal people haven't had enough problems in their life in order to handle
problems when they come up, something little happens they just snap
toilet backed up... is there no god
oh i'm getting a pick-axe and i'm going to burger king
look at every serial killer we've ever caught in this country, catch a serial killer get his family on
television, what does the family say, "he was so normal"
"he was an eagle scout"
his neighbors, "yeah
he was really quiet
that boy always said hi to me though"
so if you guys got a neighbor that's always real cool, always saying hi
take him out
love screwed up people though, i hang out' with screwed up people forever, screwed up people are great, cause screwed up people have been
into some stuff
they know what can happen, they know the problems, cause if you've been through a lot of *** your
life, you know every time you see the *** just about to hit the fan...
...you step to the side of the fan
and all the poor little normal people
ahh you learned something didn't yet
ah-hh you got something right here
glad i was raised by my father instead of my mom too
'cause women in general suck at raising kids
that's right i said it who want's some come on!!!
here's what i mean ladies you see a kid put a penny in a light socket, what do you do
oh my god you stop it and smack that little hand, well there
well when that kid's five, getting smacked in the hand is no big deal anymore
father's see the exact same child put a penny in the light socket and go "no wait wait..."
well go on!!!
well you're not gonna do that again are ya
no i know it hurt shot you *** about eight feet i saw, come on get up
yes your eyebrow will grow back come on!!
see a mother will just give you knowledge, a father makes you earn knowledge
my dad never taught me *** my whole life, just go do i!!!
"tsch"
you'll screw it up but sooner or later you'll get it right just go do it!!!
certain things that method should not be applied to though, like your first break job
my first car was a nineteen seventy-seven oldsmobile delta eighty eight
ugly car, more ugly on this car than a rolling stones group photo
and it was a huge car with optional roof rack helicopter pad
fill it gas, back up the driveway, fill it up again
then one day the breaks started making this high pitch grinding noise and i was
sixteen so i listened to the noise
for about ten weeks
i finally says "dad man, the car's making like a noise"
"well then you should like fix it"
so i back the *** end of the car into the garage but i leave the front wheels on twenty two
degrees slope driveway
and i jacked up the *** end
yes, i'm about to get a lesson in gravity, aren't i
and i know my father was in the living in there going "wait, wait, wait..."
so i'm under the car trying to make it stop better when i noticed it start to go
and my butt cheeks thinking quickly walking me out from under it
and three tons of vehicle went "sch-BOOM"
on the garage floor, now i ended up on the other side of the car, my dad
couldn't see me, but he came running out of the house..."chris, oh my god chris!!!"
then i though i should probably tell him i'm ok
but that little thing in my brain said "no wait, wait..."