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- Good morning, sir. - Morning.
Yes, indeed, sir, it is a good morning.
I do believe we are in for a spell, as they used to say in the music halls.
Not too hot, but not too mild neither.
Hmm.
Re the weekend just past, sir,
may I enquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness,
or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature?
- No, very pleasant, thank you. - Very pleasant, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Then might I take it, sir, that for that period, you were not within
the boundaries of Lincolnshire where, I understand, it rained like a ***?
No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.
Sir, I am uplifted to hear such news.
No, my wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.
- Sir is married? - Yes.
I had literally no idea.
Well, never mind.
Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate sir upon the joyousness in good tidings
is something I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life.
Now to business.
Being one of the shrewdest sirs who has ever swum into my purview,
may I take it that sir is keen to exploit
the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut?
- A haircut, that's right, yes. - Of course. A hair cut is a hair enhanced.
If sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old.
Now sir, the hair in question is?
- What? - The hair currently under advicement belongs to?
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
Yes.
Sir, I sneak myself towards the suspicion
that sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever popular cat drama.
It's my hair. I want you to cut my hair.
- Your hair? - Yes.
So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be founded.
Well, of course. Why would I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair?
Sir, please set fire to my legs if you think I'm trying to make
haircutting sound more romantic and glamorous than it really is,
but believe me when I tell you that in my position, one cannot be too careful.
- Really? - Yes, indeed, sir.
Once, and once only,
have I had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will.
And believe me when I tell you that it was both difficult and impossible.
Well, it's my hair.
- Your hair? - Yes.
Now, sir, we proceed to that most important of stages.
Which one?
Which one what?
Which of the manifold hairs upon sir's crisp and twinkling headage
would sir like to place in my professional care
for the purposes of securing an encutment?
All of them.
- All of them? - Yes.
- Sir is entirely sure? - Of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you?
Sir, I seek not to question the profoundness of sir's wonder,
merely to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent a charge.
No. Well, all of them.
- All of them? All of them? - Yes. Yes.
- My word! - Is that a problem?
No, indeed, sir. No, indeed, sir. Not a problem, sir.
So far from being a problem, sir, as you would not believe.
I merely hope that sir can take time off
from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate
that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head
represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.
- Well, you've done it before, haven't you? - Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo shortly after the war,
when the worid was in uproar and to a young man, everything seemed possible.
Once?
It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then,
but let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole.
- We shall see. We shall see. - Wait a minute. Wait...
- Wait one cotton-picking minute here. - Sorry?
You've cut someone's hair, all of it, that is, once since the war?
Sir would prefer it if, in the sphere of total hair cuttation, I was to him a ***?
- I beg your pardon? - Yes.
- That I can respect. - What?
The desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocents.
As wide-eyed travellers to a distant land,
unknowing of our fate, careless of our destination,
to emerge someday, somewhere
bruised, sad, a little wiser perhaps, but ultimately and joyously alive.
Goodbye.
- Sir is leaving? - Yeah.
May he favour me with an explanation as to the whyness?
Because I don't believe you've got the faintest idea how you're gonna end this.
- Sir could not be more wrong if he tried. - Oh, really?
- Yes. - Well, go on, then.
Um...
- You see, you're completely stuck. - No, no. I can... I can...
I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds.
-45 seconds? -45 seconds.
All right, then, off you go.
Um, if sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture.
Okey-dokey.
May I assume that sir is close to the level of maximum comfort?
40 seconds.
Very good. Um, I shall just go and fetch the necessary tools.
Oh, ha ha. It's gonna be a chainsaw or...
***.