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Mr. Joe Rogan, everybody.
Let him hear it.
So I've done a lot of traveling doing stand-up comedy,
and one of the weird things about traveling is,
sometimes you have to stay in hotels,
most of the time, all the time.
Forget what I said earlier.
All the time.
And most of the time, it's uneventful,
but I was in a hotel fire once,
and it's something you never think about,
you hear about occasionally on the news,
but when it happens, it's a real freak out.
It was in the middle of the night.
We'd gone to bed at about 2:00 in the morning,
and about 4:30, and I hear...
[imitates alarm blaring]
I jump up, and I grabbed the alarm clock,
and I--what button do I have to push to stop this?
[imitates alarm blaring]
I'm thinking, "I'm gonna wake up every [bleep]ing person
"in this hotel.
I can't believe how loud I have this."
I mean, it didn't make any sense.
I'm delirious. I don't know what's going on.
I'm in that weird dream state, and I hear,
"Attention, a fire has been detected in the building.
"Please evacuate immediately.
"Do not use the elevators.
Take the stairs."
I don't even know if this is real.
It doesn't make sense.
I don't know if it's a recording.
I don't know what's going on.
But then the guy keeps the mic keyed open,
and you hear a woman in the background going,
"We've got to get these [bleep]ing people out of here."
[laughter]
And I'm in my underwear, so I'm like,
"Okay, what do I need?
I need clothes, my laptop."
I grab my ***, and I'm thinking--
I'm on the 15th floor, all right?
It's an old-*** hotel.
We're in the Clift Hotel in San Francisco.
It's Joey Diaz, Tom Segura and me, okay?
I don't know what room they're in, but, you know,
I know we're all on the same floor somewhere,
so I'm looking for them, and it's a real mind [bleep].
I'm on the 15th floor.
I'm like, "15 flights of stairs. How long does that take?"
♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
I'm going through it in my head. How fast can I run?
I didn't think about the other people in the [bleep]ing hotel.
There is a river of sleepy travelers
that I hit when I open my door.
I'm like, "Oh, no, you [bleep].
"You mother[bleep] aren't urgent.
There's not urgency in your movement."
There's a thin veil of civilization that goes on
when you're in a real natural emergency,
because it's a [bleep]ing freak out.
We get to the stairwell.
San Francisco is an old city,
and they have these really old hotels
that were designed when people were tiny.
They didn't get any food.
They were these little, tiny people.
So I'm not a big guy, but I get into this stairwell,
and I'm like, "This is [bleep]ing ridiculous."
And it's one of those things that they don't do anymore,
where you can see the whole way down.
So as you're going down,
you could see everybody below you,
and they're looking up,
and it's this [bleep]ing river of people,
and no one's going fast.
And then I start realizing that a lot of these
[bleep]ing people look like they're sleepwalking.
[laughter]
And then I start thinking about Ambien,
because if you don't know,
39 million Americans take sleeping pills
on a nightly basis, okay?
And I never thought about that until I had to deal with it.
Most of the time, I go, "Oh, well, you need to go to sleep.
Whatever. I don't give a [bleep]."
But you do give a [bleep] when you're in a [bleep]ing hotel,
and all of sudden, everyone is sleepwalking.
If you've never experienced this before,
people who are on Ambien,
they just do *** while they're sleeping,
and they don't know they did it.
You can just wake them up and push them,
and they just keep going and figure out what to do.
It's a very strange thing.
I have a friend who takes it every night.
He can't not take it, but he needs sleep so badly
that he's willing to, like, forget that he did ***.
He made a [bleep]ing turkey.
[laughter]
Okay?
This is not enough to get him to quit doing Ambien.
He got up in the middle of the night,
decided he was making a turkey, went downstairs,
preheated the oven, drove to the supermarket,
bought a turkey, came home, stuffed it,
made mashed potatoes and gravy,
cooked it, ate it, went to sleep,
got up, and called the police.
[laughter]
He goes, "Someone broke into my house and made a turkey."
They're like, "Do you take Ambien?"
"Yes, but that's not the point."
No, it's a [bleep]ing terrible drug.
It's a weird thing.
Taking sleeping pills is a dangerous thing.
So I'm in this hotel
where you're entering into the stairwell.
Just this funnel of [bleep]ing people,
and some of them were in slippers,
and some of them were in bathrobes,
and everybody is [bleep]ing walking really slow.
And we hit the stairwell, and we start going,
and I see the smoke.
As you're looking down, you're seeing smoke.
It's, like, maybe ten floors down,
like, maybe second, third floor, and I'm like, "[bleep].
"Where is this fire?
"What if I [bleep]ing see fire?
What do I do if I see fire?"
You don't want to be the first guy to freak out,
but you don't want to be the last guy to freak out either.
So there's that thing like, "When go time is there,
you've got to be ready for go time."
Nobody else is ready for go time.
People start [bleep]ing waking up on the stairs.
You could see them in the middle of the stairway just going,
"What are we doing? What are we..."
Waking up in the middle of walking down the stairs
in [bleep]ing fire in a hotel.
And this guy, he goes, "What's going on?"
The wife goes, "We're in a hotel fire."
He goes, "A hotel?
Why are we in a hotel?"
[laughter]
These people are just walking down the stairs
waking up as their going,
and you could tell the real old-school Ambien junkies,
'cause they're used to waking up in the middle of doing ***.
And this one guy, he grips the railing,
looks around, and just keeps going.
[laughter]
You can tell.
He's like, "Okay, we're doing this.
This is what we're doing."
So we're walking down the stairway,
and I'm really starting to panic, 'cause I'm, like,
everybody could move a lot faster.
And there's a space between their head
and the stairway above, and I'm like,
"If I could just get in that space,
I can make some [bleep]ing progress."
But you don't want to be the first guy
to step on people's head, so I'm like,
"Okay, keep it together.
Keep it together; keep it together, 15 floors."
I have kids, okay?
I'm starting to [bleep]ing really freak out.
And then one guy decides to stop the line.
He grabs the rail, and he goes,
"Do we even know where we're going?"
And you see everyone just sort of just rise up
behind this guy, and everyone's thinking
just murderous, chimpanzee thoughts.
It's just the deep, primal part of your brain
that wants to survive.
And that was the guy that I focused on
for the whole rest of the time we came down the stairs,
'cause I said, "That's my guy.
The moment I see fire,
I'm gonna punch through that dude's ***,
pull out his skeletal system,
and wear him as a fire suit to run to safety.
That's my plan.
I'm like, "I am not [bleep]ing burning to death
'cause I'm in a hotel with a bunch of sleepy ***."
And I'm also thinking the whole time,
"How the [bleep] is Joey Diaz getting in this staircase?"
That's part of what I'm thinking.
So, you know, I love my friend, so I get outside,
and I'm looking for Joey.
We get outside.
It turns out it wasn't really a fire.
It turns out it was a bunch of drunk ***
who just set off the fire extinguisher,
which is really good that nobody freaked out,
'cause the last thing is--
you want to be outside when they go,
"There was no real fire,"
while you're wearing a dude's skin.
[laughter]
And you're like, "I'm such a ***.
I'm really sorry about all this."
Right when they said there's no fire,
everybody goes, "Where's Joey? Where's Joey?"
Joey Diaz comes around the corner,
and he's holding a joint.
And I go, "How did you get outside?"
He goes, "I took the elevator, like a doctor."
[laughter]
Thank you very much. You guys have been awesome.