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Cheryl/carol: Ugh.
A rainy day and a Monday...
Talk about a
downer-double-whammy.
Do anything fun this weekend?
Because I sure did.
Friday night was cornhole
league, then on Saturday --
malory: If I cared about what
you do on the weekend,
I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth
and pull the trigger with my
toes.
Cheryl/carol: Saturday I watched
a building burn down.
Cyril: Morning, ms. Archer!
It took all weekend,
but I finally got that payroll
glitch sorted out.
Malory: I said by five on
Friday.
Cyril: Yeah sorry,
the computer was down,
so over the weekend I had to
punch all these cards by hand,
and then --
carefully put them in order.
Pam: Careful...
It's pretty delicate.
Lana: Wow, and this is all
marzipan?
Pam: Yeah, except for the barn,
that's just graham crackers and
icing.
Lana: Well, your dad is gonna
love it.
Pam: I hope so. I mean,
it's probably not the best
birthday present for a
diabetic?
Malory: Pam, those quarterly
reports better be on my desk
when I walk in there.
Pam: Are ya...
Walking in there right now?
Malory: Wh-? What did I tell
you on Friday? !
Pam: I know, and I was gonna
come in this weekend,
but I had to finish this so I
could get it in the mail today.
Malory: Wrong answer.
Lana: What the... ***? !
Lana: Hey, hey now, c'mon honey,
pam: It's just like when the
farm flooded in real life!
Only tiny and sweet!
Malory: Idiots.
Surrounded by nothing but --
lana: What the hell is your
problem?
Malory: Finding your
Replacement, missy, if you
don't watch your tone!
Lana: My tone? !
You watch your tone,
you don't speak to me like
I'm some --
malory: Some what? !
Balloon-breasted ***? !
Always prancing around here in
those clingy little -- whatever
the hell they are,
mini-sweater-dresses -- and
your double-d push-up bras,
so that all anyone can see,
for miles around,
are your gigantic ***!
Lana: So... Wanna tell me
what's going on?
Malory: No, I want you to get
out.
Lana: Malory? Hey.
Malory: I'm sorry, dear.
I had a mammogram on Friday and
they... Found something.
Lana: Oh my god...
Malory: Yeah.
Pam: So... Is that why
yer bein' such a ***?
Malory: You both have to swear
you won't breathe a word of
this to anyone.
Lana: Totally, yes.
Malory: Especially sterling.
If he found out I might have
breast cancer he'd be
devastated, so this information
cannot leave this --
pam what the hell? !
Pam: What? Nothing?
Malory: You're texting
about my --
pam: I'm not, I swear!
This is about --
cheryl/carol: Breast cancer? !
Oh, you poor thing!
Malory: Pam!
What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it,
it's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what
"disease" means?
Oh sorry, I forgot you might
have --
cyril: Breast cancer? !
Malory: Oh for the love!
And would you get off? !
Breath? !
Cyril: Malory, if there's
anything we can do
you just say the word!
Krieger: My entire laboratory is
at your disposal.
Malory: Thanks, I'll let you
know if I need a...
Hybrid pigboy.
Krieger: A what?
I don't have one of those!
Krieger: That'll do, pigley...
That'll do.
Krieger: Anymore,
what're we talking about?
Malory: Nothing.
Because no one is to speak of
this, ever, and especially
not to sterling!
Good morning, dear!
Archer: Good morning.
What's the big,
non-me-telling secret?
Malory: There's no secret dear,
we were just --
archer: Mother. Pardon me,
sorry, one second. Pam.
Malory: No, don't you -- pam!
Archer: Pam.
Malory: Pam!
Archer: Pam.
Pam: I'm okay I'm okay,
I'm good! I'm good...
Archer: Pam.
Pam: Your mom's got breast
cancer!
Archer: She what? !
Malory: Damn her piggy
little eyes!
Krieger: Aww, pigley...
Archer: Mother? !
Is this...? Do you...?
Malory: Good god. You'd think
he was half fainting goat.
Krieger: Aww, goatley...
Spelts: Well actually men can
develop breast cancer,
although it's extremely rare.
Archer: Yeah, and also
hereditary, and so thank you
mother, for that!
Spelts: There's a good chance
your mother's first mammogram
was a false positive.
I'll know for sure after I get
the results of her diagnostic
exam, but I've got a...
Good feeling about her.
Malory: And the feeling
is mutual, doctor.
Archer: Hey can you not?
Right now?
Spelts: There are several other
risk factors for male breast
cancer. Such as...
Any history of alcoholism?
Archer: Ya know, I mean,
I drink socially but --
malory: Ha!
I didn't have breakfast.
Spelts: Any unusual exposure
to radiation?
Archer: Uhh...
Archer: Wait, seriously
don't open it?
Gillette: Yes.
Archer: Oh. Thought you
were being sarcastic.
Looking for this?
Or perhaps the lead container
I probably should've left it in?
So wait,
there's good cholesterol?
Archer: Mmmnope.
Spelts: Well,
then a little dose won't hurt.
Redhead nurse: Doctor,
I have ms. Archer's results...
Well if it isn't chet manley!
Archer: Yeah, and is it --
I wanna say peggy?
Redhead nurse: Rita!
And you said you'd call me!
Archer: Really?
To both statements?
Malory: Hello? !
If it's not too much trouble
I'd like to know if I have
cancer!
Spelts: The first test was
a false positive.
You're totally fine.
Malory: Wh-? Oh thank god!
Archer: Yeah good, hey,
wanna grab a drink later?
Peggy?
Malory: I can't believe it,
it's such a relief!
I don't have breast cancer!
Archer: So, guess we can skip
all this, huh?
Spelts: Well we're here,
machine's on, may as well take
a look.
So, if you could...?
Archer: Hm? Oh, sorry...
Spelts: Wow.
Archer: Wow what, what is wow,
what is that?
Spelts: Thaaat...
Yeah that's breast cancer.
Archer: What? !
Malory: What? !
Spelts: Yeah.
Archer: Yep.
Stage two breast cancer...
Yeah, I mean it's not as bad as
stage three or four,
but it's not, ya know, obviously
not as good as no cancer.
Lana: God, I should definitely
get checked.
I'm so bad about doing
the self-exam.
Pam: Hey, how about
we check each other? !
Lana: So what's next,
do you do chemo, or --
archer: A lumpectomy.
I go in for surgery next week,
and they'll try to cut it
all out...
If they can't get it all,
or if it spreads to my lymph
nodes, then they'll do chemo,
but I'm trying to stay
positive, cause I can beat this.
Lana: Wow, you seem kinda...
Different.
Archer: Yeah, did I mention
I have cancer?
Lana: Not that, ***,
your whole outlook.
All this...
Positivity and whatever.
Archer: I have to be positive.
Gotta stay strong.
So here, show some support.
Archer: Here, brett,
take a ribbon.
Brett: What is this?
Archer: Pink ribbon.
I have breast cancer.
Brett: Ha ha! Seriously?
Breast cancer?
Archer: Yes...
Brett: Sure it's not lady ***
cancer?
Archer: Excuse me.
I'm trying! To stay positive!
Both mentally! And spiritually!
Brett!
Kreiger: Well he certainly
doesn't have cancer in his
fists.
Gilette: He's beating his ***.
Archer: Now, if you all will
excuse me again, I'm going
to spend some quality time
with those who are dear to me.
Brett.
Brett: Eepinnapeenimmonahmytun.
Cheryl/carol: Yeah hey,
it's got a safety pin!
Trinette: What? !
Archer: Breast cancer,
and yes, seriously.
And I dunno how it's gonna turn
out, so I wanted to, ya know...
Spend some time with the wee
baby seamus.
Trinette: He's not even
yer real kid.
Archer: So?
Trinette: So it's weird.
Archer: So is me paying you
child support, trinette,
but you keep cashing the checks!
I'm sorry. C'mon trinette,
seamus may not be my son,
but he's probably as close as
I'm ever gonna get.
Trinette: Where're you
taking him?
Archer: I dunno...
What's he into?
Malory: Oh, that is just
classic him... I mean my god,
I was the one who --
cheryl/carol: Was getting all
the attention?
Malory: Who thought I had
breast cancer!
Shut up, and now he has it,
so it's all sterling this and
ribbons that!
Pam: Well he does actually
have cancer...
Malory: Well he didn't
get it from me!
Cheryl/carol wh-? !
It's contagious? !
Trinette: What the ***? !
Archer: I know, I'm not normally
a tattoo guy, but --
trinette: Not yours, shitbrain!
His!
Archer: Yeah it's like,
we've got each other's backs.
Right?
Trinette: You can't tattoo a
frickin baby!
Archer: That's what the tattoo
guy said.
Had to slip him an extra
hundred bucks.
Trinette: How bout I slip
somebody a hundred bucks to...
Throw acid in your face? !
Archer: Costs more than that,
I bet to buy acid.
Trinette: C'mon, seamus!
I hope your stupid cancer
kills you.
Archer: Oh yeah? !
Well I hope... It doesn't!
Archer: And to that end
woodhouse, macrobiotic food.
Find out what that is
and start cooking it.
Oh, and smoothies, and --
and why are you dressed
like a tout?
Woodhouse: My vacation starts
today, sir.
Archer: What? !
I'm riddled with cancer and you
wanna take a vacation? !
Woodhouse: No, but I asked
for the time off a year ago,
and dicky and I've been planning
this trip ever since, and --
archer: Who's dicky?
Woodhouse: My brother.
Archer: What?
Woodhouse: He's younger.
Archer: Obviously.
Woodhouse: And we've always
dreamed of someday going to
las vegas together,
so we saved up and got a lovely
package, and it's prepaid,
you see, so...
Archer: Prepaid, huh?
Woodhouse: Yessir.
Archer: Did I mention I have
cancer?
¶ ¶
Archer: God, what a tr.Ip...
Barely got back in time
for surgery tomorrow.
You shoulda been there.
Woodhouse: Yes... God knows when
I'll be able see dicky again.
Or where.
Archer: Yeah,
mexico's pretty big.
And so is your heart, woodhouse.
Woodhouse: Sir?
Archer: That's probably the
nicest thing anybody's ever
done for me.
Woodhouse: Oh, well --
archer: I'm serious.
You showed me how important
family is.
And you're -- kinda family,
and I know I'm not always as
nice to you as I could be,
so I'm gonna work on that.
Okay?
Woodhouse: I, er... Yessir.
Thank you, sir.
Archer: Thank you.
Toilet's clogged.
And so I wanted to say
I'm sorry pam,
if there were ever any times
when I was less than nice to
you...
Pam: Huh!
[beep] your [beep] dolphin, pam!
And I definitely could've been
nicer to you, ca -- cheryl...
Cheryl/carol: Yeah.
Archer: Here, take two,
and -- brett!
Where's that ribbon, buddy?
Brett: Gonna go put it on
right now!
Archer: Okay, then come see me,
I got some mid-range scotch for
you!
Oh hey, and where's cyril?
Cyril: Extradited? !
But I've never even been to
las vegas!
Archer: Oh you gotta go,
it's amaze -- zing I hear,
but I've never been.
Here.
Detective: What're ya doin? !
He can't have ***,
he's going to jail!
Archer: C'mon. I have cancer.
Pam: Of the ***!
Detective: Yeah, okay pal.
Jesus, I should get checked.
Cyril: Can somebody water
my plants? !
Cheryl/carol: Yes!
No.
Archer: Yes! Mother c'mon,
they said I could eat and drink
til midnight.
Malory: Alcohol? !
Archer: Uh, the stuff they use
to sterilize hospitals?
Pretty sure it's okay.
Here's to uh... Family, I guess.
Malory: I'm... Sorry if I've
been a bit selfish about
your breast cancer.
Archer: And I'm sorry if I
haven't always been, um...
Ya know, whatever.
Malory: Well, you do the best
you can.
Archer: Eh.
Malory: Are you scared?
Archer: I am, actually.
Malory: Me too
sterling, I -- well.
Archer: Yeah, me too, mother.
Wow kinda weird opening up
like this, huh?
Malory: Yeah,
gimme another belt.
Archer: There's so much
I still wanna do...
Malory: Oh, now...
You're gonna be fine.
Archer like, I've never been
to rome...
Malory: Wh-? Yes you have.
Archer: For wooork!
Malory: Sterling malory archer,
this surgery is going to work,
and you -- look at me -- you
are going to beat cancer.
Archer: B-but what if I dooon't?
Lana: So uh... How's this goin?
Malory: Not great.
Archer: Lanaaaa...
Lana what if I dooon't?
Malory: Can you take him home?
Lana: Um... Can you not?
Malory: No, if I don't get
something to eat I'm literally
going to die.
Archer: I seriously might,
though.
Lana: You're gonna be fine.
Archer: What if I'm not,
what if I die,
then have to live with the fact
I was a *** to you like,
a jillion times?
Lana: Look, don't worry
about it, just --
archer: Lana I'm in love
with you.
Lana: You're also ***-faced.
Archer: I can be both.
And I might die tomorrow,
so I really don't think I
should be alone tonight.
Lana: Newp.
Archer: Did I mention I have
cancer?
Lana: [sighs]
archer: Awesome.
[ burp ]
[ alarm clock ringing ]
lana: Archer. Archer.
Archer: Waagh!
What the ***, lana? !
Wait, lana? !
Lana: Yeah.
Archer wait, why are you
in my... Aw, ***!
My cancer surgery!
Lana: Yeah.
Archer: So listen.
About last night...
Lana: Don't worry about it,
just --
archer: No wait, we should talk
about --
whatever's in this iv,
which I love...
Lana: We can talk after your
surgery.
Archer: Mm-hmm...
Lana: Or never, probably,
knowing you.
Archer: Where's mother? !
Malory: Sterling?
Was that him? !
Lana: Yeah, where were you?
Malory: The cafeteria --
pam: Bear claws, rrowr!
Malory: I've been here since
six!
He was four hours late to his
own surgery!
Lana yeah, kind of a...
Late night.
And speaking of...
Cyril: I spent last night in the
tombs,
getting worked over by the cops!
Everybody: Huh? What for?
Cyril: Yeah, until the las vegas
police faxed over this little
gem!
Pam: Ha ha ha!
Too soon?
Cheryl/carol: Oh my god...
How much cancer was in him? !
This is so boring
and forever-taking!
Malory: Well then,
for the fiftieth time,
shut up and go back to the
office.
Cheryl/carol: No I wanna be
here, in case he --
lana: Don't.
Cheryl/carol: Dies.
What, we're all thinking it!
Malory: No we're not!
This surgery is going to be a
complete success,
and sterling is going to be
completely cured.
Cyril: Hooray...
Malory: Oh shut up.
Lana although... He has been
a lot nicer ever since he was
diagnosed.
Cyril: Oh really?
Pam: Ha ha ha!
Ahem. Still too soon.
Spelts: Not too soon for good
news I hope!
Oh, and also some very bad news.
Malory: What's the bad news? !
Spelts: I have to take a
raincheck on that drink.
I'm on call this weekend.
Malory wh-? ! What about
sterling? ! ***!
Spelts: Oh right,
that's the good news.
Thanks to me the surgery was
totally successful,
and now mr. Archer is...
Archer: Totally cancer-free!
Whoooo!
Malory: Oh sterling,
I knew you could do it!
Archer: Yeah, so...
Is that why you didn't even
bother to see me off to surgery?
Malory: Wh-? You were four hours
late, we grabbed a bear claw!
Pam: Rrowr.
Archer: No, it's fine mother,
whatever.
Malory wh-? !
Pam: Looks like he's back to his
old self.
Woodhouse: Oh, let's hope not...
Archer: Hello? !
Uh, there's this great new
thing, called coasters? !
Cheryl/carol: Sorry! Jeez!
Archer: Don't apologize to me,
apologize to the brazilian
rosewood.
Cheryl/carol: Ugh.
Lana: So listen, about last
night...
Archer: Lana hey,
I know you probably think it was
just because I was drunk,
lana: Well, and scared.
Archer: Well, more drunk.
But the thing is -- woodhouse!
Answer the damn phone!
Woodhouse: Archer residence.
Archer: So, the thing is...
Here's the thing.
Woodhouse: It's for you, sir.
Archer: Duh. One sec.
Talk to me!
Spelts: Mr. Archer?
Hi, it's doctor spelts.
Archer: Who?
Spelts: I did your cancer
surgery?
Like, two hours ago?
Archer: Oh right, listen,
I'm kinda celebrating right
now,
spelts: You may want to...
Hold off on that?
Archer: What?
Spelts: Yeah, I should've waited
until your post-op results came
in --
archer: What? !
Spelts: But I could tell
your mom was already crushed
about the raincheck thing,
archer: So what are you saying?
Lana: Archer?
Malory: Sterling?
Spelts: What was I saying?
Oh yeah, the cancer has spread
to your lymph nodes.
Archer: What does that mean?
Spelts: Well it's not good,
obviously, so --
malory: Sterling,
what did he say? !
Archer: The cancer...
It's in my lymph nodes.
Pam: Holy shitsnacks...
Cheryl/carol: What's cancer?
Archer: Yeah, so...
Guess this party was a little
premature, huh?
Malory: Sterling,
there's radiation treatment,
there's chemotherapy, there's --
malory: Well, I think just those
two thgs, but bu
lana: But you can still
be cured!
This isn't, ya know...
Um... Good, but --
archer: Excuse me...
Malory: That was the best you
could do?
Lana: Shut up.
Archer: What'd I expect?
Jesus, look at how I've treated
all of you!
Carol, and pam... And cyril!
Oh my god listen,
I'm gonna clear up this vegas
thing!
Cyril: Great, all you have to do
is go down to the police station
and confess --
archer: Or something,
maybe else, but --
cyril: That's actually
the only thing.
Archer: Woodhouse! Woodhouse,
salt of the earth,
who basically raised me!
Malory: Well --
archer: And you helped, mother!
I know that!
And lana!
Lana, I want you to know that
what I said last -- woodhouse,
seriously, a little help here?
Woodhouse: Archer residence.
For you, sir.
Archer: Was that so hard?
Lana, sorry, gimme one second.
Because I really want yoanu to
hear what I have to say.
Hello?
Spelts: Mr. Archer?
Hi, doctor spelts again.
Archer: Yeah listen, I'm kinda
making peace with my loved ones,
uh, plus some other people right
now, so --
spelts: You may want
to hold off on that...
Archer: What?
Spelts: Because, boy, did I
pull a ***.
Archer: Wh-?
Spelts: Said the urologist,
ba-dump-bump, anyhoo,
turns out I mixed up your chart
with another patient's.
Archer: What? Wait are --
are you sure? !
Spelts: Of course I'm sure,
I'm a doctor.
And I can say, positively,
you are --
archer: Totally cancer-free!
Again!
Archer: Whooo! Suck it, cancer!
Cyril, I don't wanna see you
with an empty glass again, okay?
Cyril: Yeah so,
about my vegas problem...
Archer: Yes! The vegas problem
I've been giving that a lot of
thought and I'm pretty sure --
mother, feel free
to chime in here --
but I'm pretty sure isis can
get you a whole new identity!
Cyril: Wait, no --
archer: Yeah,
you can use one of my old ones!
Cyril: I don't wanna use
one of your --
archer: You're chet manley now!
Everybody, say hello to chet!
Cheryl/carol: Hiii...
Pam: Not a new person.
Cheryl/carol: Shut up,
I saw him first!
Lana: Speaking of being a new
person, or not,
did you wanna tell me something?
Archer: Did I?
Lana: Like, four minutes ago?
When you thought you were
dying?
Archer: Oh. Yeah,
so here's the thing --
[ telephone ringing ]
archer: I got it!
Hello?
Redhead nurse: May I speak
to chet?
Archer: Oh my god...
Yeah hang on, he's right --
wait, who is this?
Redhead nurse: Rita.
Archer: Who?
Redhead nurse: The nurse?
Redhead? !
Charcher: Ohhh!
Yeah hey, this is chet...
Hang on, peggy,
I got another call...
Talk to me!
Spelts: Mr. Archer?
Hi, doctor spelts
archer: I know! What!
Spelts: Well, you are just
gonna kill me...
Spelts: But turns out I was
right the first time.
Archer: The first time,
you said I was cured!
Spelts: Wait, now I'm confused.
Archer: At the hospital!
You said --
spelts: Oh! Right, no,
I mean the first phone call.
When I said the cancer had
spread to your lymph nodes.
So yeah, we're gonna wanna to
start a round of chemo asap,
but in the meantime...
Is your mother there?
Pam: Are you here?
Malory: Eh.
Pam: What? Too soon?
Subs straight from CC