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Tonight, James asks a girl
for a favour.
No.
Richard listens to a man.
And I polish a bishop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, good evening!
Hello, thank you, everybody,
thank you.
Now.
New cars come out so fast
these days,
sometimes it is difficult
to keep up.
Nissan, for example, said the other
day that over the next six years,
they will be bringing out
a new model every six weeks.
Happily, however,
there are some car companies,
usually Italian ones,
that won't be rushed.
That like to take their time,
have some lunch.
And nobody is better at this
than Lamborghini,
as Richard Hammond
shall now explain.
When it comes to
their big V12 cars,
their flagship battle cruisers,
Lamborghini really, really like
to take their time.
Just these four - the Miura,
the Countash, the Diablo
and the Murcielago,
span half a century.
And now, at last, there's a new one.
It's called the Aventador.
It costs ÃÅ248,000.
And it's the closest thing
to a stealth fighter jet
that you'll ever see on the road.
It even has a starter button
that's straight out of Top Gun.
The current boss of Lamborghini
said recently that in the old days,
the order of priority for Lamborghini
was top speed, acceleration,
and handling, in that order.
The thing is, for this car,
he says that order
is the other way round.
Handling comes first, with top speed
being given a lower priority.
So, let's find out just how low
a priority that is, shall we?
Whooooa! Waaaah-hah!
So they still care
about acceleration, then!
Oh!
Oh my God!
Oh, OK, and relax.
If that's them giving top speed
a low priority, bring it on!
Flat out,
the Aventador will do 217 mph
which makes it faster
than the old Murcielago.
How Italian is that?
ITALIAN ACCENT: No top speed, OK,
This pulverising performance
comes courtesy of the Aventador's
massive 6.
5 litre engine
their first all-new V12
for almost 50 years.
But what's surprising is that
they bothered to make one at all.
You see, these days,
a lot of carmakers are shying away
from bigger engines.
BMW's new M5, for example,
will have a V8 instead of a V10.
AMG are ditching V12s
in favour of V8s.
It's called moving with the times.
But that's not so easy
with a big Lamborghini.
A V12 is kind of its signature dish,
it defines the car.
And the engineers insisted that
whatever happened with the Aventador,
it had to have a V12.
And, of course, the by-product
of a V12 is lots of horsepowers.
This has got 691 of them,
which in Top Gear maths is 700.
That power is fed to all four wheels
through a unique design
of flappy paddle gearbox.
It can change in less than
I can't demonstrate that
even if I blink an eye.
There are other
high-tech features too.
We're in strada mode right now,
which is for the road.
Let's put it in corsa, track mode.
Whoa, hang on!
All right, fella, all right!
That's absolutely brutal!
It kicks you in the back of the head.
And now we're in corsa mode,
let's find out how they've got on
with their new number-one priority
handling.
Traditionally, always the scariest
part of testing a big Lambo.
OK, here we go, I'm nervous.
I'm OK.
Still on the track.
I'm in a V12 Lambo, I just threw it
at a corner at insane speed,
and it went round.
So why am I not buried in row 85
of that 747?
This is partly because the grip
is just unbelievable.
Also it's got push-rod suspension
which is very clever,
and unheard of in an road car -
that's F1 stuff.
So even when it's coming under
some pressure, like that,
the steering is just
It's just I'm turning a dial.
So, whilst the Aventador
looks as Miami Vice mental
as everything else in its family
tree, it's now a serious player.
The noise it makes is spirited
rather than deafening.
The chassis is made from
carbon fibre, not pig iron.
The air-conditioning works.
It's a proper car,
rather than a machine that wants,
most of all, to kill you.
And that makes me a bit sad.
Basically, what's missing
is that Lambo fear factor,
that knot in the stomach test pilots
must have felt in the '50s
when they headed for the sound
barrier in unproven jet aircraft.
Of course,
you might think that's a good thing.
To be honest, I'm not so sure.
If a big Lamborghini
is all about pantomime, drama,
theatre, which it is
then I want people watching
not just to go, "Wow,
that's a stunning-looking thing.
"
I want them to look at me inside
and think, "Whoa, there goes
Chuck Yeager Hammond.
"He's brave.
"
But in this, I'm not being brave.
It's as easy to drive as a big Audi,
that's the truth of it.
I finally understand what they mean
by that, is it Helsinki syndrome?
When people who've been kidnapped,
when they're released,
miss their kidnappers.
I don't know that I want to be
in a big, loud V12 Lambo
that doesn't every now and again
try and kill me.
I miss that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good.
It's beautiful but it's just not
I think he made a mistake.
Hammond Whoa, hang on, hang on.
Hammond, did you say, did you say
Helsinki syndrome? Yes, I did.
You mean Stockholm syndrome.
Yes I do.
Yes.
What is Helsinki syndrome?
I think it's when you're an idiot
and get your syndromes mixed up.
Yeah, I've got it.
Anyway, the Lamborghini.
What you're saying is, it would be
better if it were a bit worse.
No, it's like that McLaren MP4-12C
you drove the other week.
It is brilliant, undeniably.
But somehow it's just not exciting
enough.
He's right, actually.
I've driven this as well
and it isn't boring
but it somehow lacks that sort of
Lamborghini theatre.
It's too refined
and it's sort of too clever.
It's as though Lamborghini
are trying to be Ferrari
instead of making cars
specifically for
Lunatics.
Rod Stewart.
Fish.
Tadpoles.
What?
No, people who like a laugh.
A Lamborghini should be
an instrument of terror
and this just isn't.
Well, now, let's examine
the scale of their failure
by seeing how fast
it goes round our track.
That means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his favourite T-shirt
has a picture on the front
of a T-shirt.
And that he spent all week waiting
for a big cheque from the Germans,
because he too has spent
the last 2,000 years
sitting on his backside
doing absolutely nothing at all.
All we know is,
he's called The Stig.
And he's off! Ooh, I love that pop
as it shifts up.
Single rather than double
clutch system.
Changes are still lightning-fast
as he spears into the first corner.
Wobble under braking, shows how much
speed he's already carrying.
He's got it all together
for the exit.
MUSIC: "Downtown" by Petula Clark
Stig listening to Petula Clark
in French, very unusual.
Clean through Chicago.
Coming up now to Hammerhead.
Despite carbon fibre construction,
this is still a big, heavy car.
Will it get out of shape?
Not a bit of it.
None of the traditional
Lambo flamboyance there.
PETULA CLARK SINGS IN FRENCH
Now, follow-through, the spoiler
fully extends at 80 miles an hour.
He's doing a lot more than that now.
Fast through the tyres,
just two corners left.
Here he comes now.
*** the ceramic brakes,
an old V12 Lambo would have
bitten him in the face by now.
Through Gambon
and across the line.
Now
Now, if we look here
this is the old Lamborghini,
the Murcielago,
the LP670 did it in 1:19.
Here's the Aventador.
AUDIENCE: Ooooooh
CHEERING
That's interesting, isn't it?
So So it looks
absolutely fantastic.
And it's faster round our track
than a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.
And I think it's clear now
why Hammond and May hate it so much.
He's no idea.
He knows what
we're on about, he does know.
Right, it's time for us to do
the news and we begin with this.
Attention morons everywhere.
Mercedes have a new hardcore
AMG version of one of their cars.
It's from their especially ridiculous
range of black editions.
Oh, now, I'm sorry,
this is a car for connoisseurs.
It's a car for idiots.
It's
for people who know the difference
between Sweden and Finland.
Yes, all right, sorry.
This is the new black edition
of the C-class.
It will cost you ÃÅ110,000.
It's got the old 6.
2 litre V8,
tuned version of that, rather than
the twin turbo AMG engines of today.
You also get the seven-speed
flappy paddle gearbox from an SLS.
But I think it looks fantastic.
Ridiculous.
It's fantastic!
I think it looks infantile.
It does.
James, you are so old, you think
Werther's Originals are infantile.
Can I just clarify this a little bit?
He has got the old CLK black.
Yes, I do.
And I went in it
the other day.
And you loved it.
I hated it!
It's ridiculous! The ride is stupid.
It's like being in a touring car.
What's wrong with that?
Nothing at all,
if you're, I don't know, let's say,
in a touring car race.
If you want to use it,
let's imagine, on a road,
in, let's say, the world,
it's absolutely stupid.
It's a terrible car.
You may mock
Thank you, it's ridiculous.
The fact is, the fact is, that
the CLK black is holding its value
a lot better than, I don't know,
Because they only sold 100 of them.
Yes, they did.
They'd have sold more but most
of the people who bought them
were wearing those jackets
that do up at the back.
They were only out for the day.
"I want one of those!"
Like that.
They'd eaten the pens
you use to fill the options form in.
It's a stupid car.
It is a
stupid car.
It's ridiculous.
Oh, don't feel sorry for him!
Look at the wheel arches on it!
AUDIENCE: Aaaah!
Let's move on.
Yes, let's move on.
Now
we have been sent, by a viewer,
a copy of a motorcycling magazine
from 1976.
We have a picture of it here,
the front cover.
Sort of thing you love,
isn't it, James?
Mmm.
Lovely.
What distressed us greatly was,
there was an advertisement on
the back page, for some leathers.
And it was the model that was
being used that has terrified us.
Here it is.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Now don't say that isn't you,
look!
There is no point denying that
it's you.
He's wearing brown shoes.
It's got to be you.
It is you.
You looked exactly the same in 1976
as When were you born?!
I was only 12!
You weren't, though, were you?
You know, I have speculated many,
many, many times over the years
on what sort of a man
appears as a model in leather.
Yeah.
You've let the motorcycling
side down there, badly.
Lewis Hamilton has been
in the news this week
saying that the national anthem
is too short.
He can't milk it on the podium,
it's over in 44 seconds.
He says it's not fair,
because when *** wins,
who's Brazilian, that national
anthem goes on for 16 hours.
So I've had an idea.
Why don't we change
our national anthem
to Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd.
It isn't hell.
The problem isn't that ours
is too short,
it's that everybody else's
is too long.
The Greek one is.
158 verses.
What?!
I promise you.
The Greek national anthem
How many times can you say,
"We're completely screwed"?
So you're saying ours is too
They're all too long.
I think we could set an example
to the world, actually, with
the Olympics coming up in 2012
by making national anthems shorter.
We could get ours pared
right down.
What, "we hope she's victorious
and lives a long time.
" No.
That's too long.
Not very long.
I'm thinking more along
the lines of
HE HUMS
There you go.
So he gets up on the podium and
Exactly.
You'd have to have
the roll on the drums
so that people got ready.
IMITATES DRUM ROLL AND HUMS
LAUGHTER
That's quick, I like it.
That is actually a brilliant idea.
Last year, my CLK Mercedes
Stupid, stupid car.
With stupid wheel arches.
You may think it's stupid,
but it's very determined.
My CLK, it said one day
when I got in it,
"24 days until the next service.
"
I mentioned this on the programme
a year ago.
I thought, I wonder what will happen
if I take it to 25 days.
Its German brain won't be able
to compute the fact that somebody
has disobeyed a direct order.
Thing was, on the 24th day,
Mercedes turned up while I was out
and took it away for a service,
which really annoyed me.
Good news.
Yesterday, it suddenly said,
"Nine days until service due.
"
What I've done this time is
I've parked it
in a London underground garage
and I'm not going to tell anybody
which one.
I want to see what happens
when it goes to minus one.
No! That's dangerous.
It could panic,
like a horse in a stable,
and just go mad.
Or it's probably already been
building a glider so it can escape.
That's why I've put it
in an underground car park
and not a multi-storey,
so it can't fly away.
It's probably been specially
trained to take a cyanide pill.
It's hidden it in one of its
massive wheel arches.
GERMAN ACCENT: "I must end it now!"
So when I go back to it,
you think it'll be dead?
Completely.
Last week, we had the Lotus T125
down here.
It's kind of a Formula 1 car
that you can buy
if you have ÃÅ650,000 lying around.
We wondered how fast it would go
around our track,
whether it would be faster
than an actual Formula One car.
Sadly on the day we were going to try
for a lap, it was raining.
So we said we'd bring it back
when it wasn't.
We have.
And it isn't.
Did that make sense?
I know what you mean.
Anyway,
let's find out how it got on.
Away he goes.
Lighting up the back tyres a treat.
Not quite the sound of an F1 car.
Not as high-pitched.
That is the sound of torque.
The first corner.
The Stig sawing away at the wheel.
It is an animal, this thing.
Down the gears, into Chicago.
Wrestling it through there.
Stig actually demanded
a softer chassis set-up
and a softer tyres for today.
Will it have enough heat
in those tyres
to cling on through Hammerhead?
Yes, he does.
Bit of a wiggle there.
Now he can really open it up.
Through the follow-through.
Stationary,
this car weighs 640 kilos.
Flat out, thanks to the air pressing
down on those wings,
it weighs two-and-a-quarter tonnes.
Coming up to the penultimate corner,
*** the brakes.
Crackle on the over-run
up to Gambon,
Stig still working hard.
And across the line.
APPLAUSE
Now
the actual Formula 1 car
we had down here a few years ago,
that did it in 59 seconds.
The T125 did it
in 1 minute 3.
8.
So it's about four seconds a lap
slower than the Renault F1 car,
which means it's the same pace
as a current Lotus F1 car.
LAUGHTER
The fact is that the electric car
is very much with us.
You can actually go into
a dealership and simply buy one
but the big question is, should you?
What are the pitfalls?
What are the advantages?
To find out, James and I decided
to do a sensible test.
No clocking about, no catching fire,
no Richard Hammond.
We would simply get two of the cars
that you can actually buy these days
and take them on a perfectly
ordinary run to the seaside.
This is the Nissan Leaf
and there are no visual clues
that it's powered by electricity.
It looks like every other
five-door hatchback.
It also drives like every other
five-door hatchback,
except the engine doesn't shout
or bellow or roar.
It just sort of hums, like a monk.
Hmmmmmmm.
Peugeot has gone down
a different styling route.
Their new electric car, the Ion,
is designed to look futuristic
and different and unusual.
But, just like the Nissan,
it is like a car.
Here I am driving along
the A46 towards Cleethorpes
and the situation
is completely normal.
Clarkson, May.
Yeah, what?
Is your Nissan like a car?
Yes, nothing to see here.
And as I said before,
nothing to hear.
This car is so quiet,
they had to design a special
windscreen wiper motor for it
because the one they fit in
all other Nissan's was too loud.
They had a similar problem
with the door mirrors
cos as you were driving all you
could hear was the air rushing
over them, not a nice sound.
So they've sculpted the head lamps
to deflect air away
from the mirrors.
So, what about performance?
The top speed
is only 81 miles an hour.
And 0-60 takes something
like 16 seconds.
It doesn't feel like
you're a liability on the roads.
It doesn't feel like I'm holding
people up or anything like that.
The Nissan has
a much bigger electric motor.
It develops the equivalent
of 108 brake horsepower.
That means a top speed
of 90 miles an hour
and sufficient acceleration
to consider,
at least, overtaking someone.
James for example.
Here we go.
One problem I have with electric
cars is they're not very heroic.
"Quick, James, I have the antidote.
"We need to be at the hospital
in 20 minutes.
"Only you can save me.
"
Hmmmmm
JEREMY LAUGHS
You may regret that.
Or let me put it this way.
WHISPERS: 70.
Soon we pulled over
to examine our cars more closely.
I want to see what it is
that's making no noise,
that's humming like a Trappist monk.
Oh, that's an electric, is that an
electric
that's an electric motor, is it?
It must be.
And one moving part.
Effectively, yes.
And no gearbox.
And there's no fuel tank so you
get a big boot.
That's not bad.
What's that for?
Solar panel.
Is it? Yes.
It's a ÃÅ260 option
which means you could use
the air-conditioning while parked,
so you don't drain the main
batteries.
Very clever.
I like that.
'The Peugeot, though,
is even cleverer.
'
Where's the engine?
Ah, it's in the back.
Is it?
It's rear-engined, rear-wheel drive.
It's a 911.
It is a 911.
This is what the 911 will look like
in another 10 - 15 years' time.
So the engine's in there.
It's under there,
the batteries are under there.
That's not a very big boot.
You wouldn't get a dog in there.
Discussing luggage space is like
I'm back on old Top Gear.
Can I get a beard?
So far then,
all seems well with these cars.
But they're not what
you'd call cheap.
The Nissan is ÃÅ30,990.
Nearly twice what you'd pay
for a normal car of this size.
The Peugeot is even more expensive,
ÃÅ33,155.
Yes, with both you get ÃÅ5,000 back
from the Government
but even with that,
they're not good value.
Mine isn't even very well equipped.
Have you got Sat Nav in your car,
James?
No, I haven't.
Have you?
Yes.
Cruise control?
No.
So that's ÃÅ3,000 more expensive
than this
and isn't as well-equipped
or as big?
And what's more,
the Leaf can even deliver your own
personal Greenpeace lecture.
It's talking!
'By the 12th of May,
electric cars worldwide
'saved a total
of 344,000 eco-trees.
'
What!? 'And 659 tonnes
of carbon-dioxide has been reduced.
'
What does that mean? What's an
eco-tree? What are you saying?
Still, there is an upside
to the nagging and the cost.
These days eco-ism is seen as cool.
People like James May and me,
petrol heads, we're dinosaurs.
If you have one of these cars
with zero emission
and full electric plastered
down the side,
you are more likely
to get a girlfriend.
You just have to hope
she doesn't live
at the other end of the country.
James, can I just ask,
what range do you have left?
I have 19 miles.
I was down to 14 miles.
So, as is the way with all cars,
we decided to buy some go juice
in the next town,
which turned out to be Lincoln.
And then I realised we might be
there for quite a while.
James, I have another read-out
on my dashboard.
Guess how long it will take
to charge this up to 100%
fully charged?
Well, a few hours I suppose.
Is it?
'11 hours.
' What?!
By the time we reached
the city centre,
my range was down to seven miles.
So I looked on the Sat Nav for
the nearest official charging point.
LAUGHS: The nearest charging space
it gives me is 45 miles away.
I can only go seven.
That's very useful function
you've got there!
OK, Covent Garden car park.
'What possible use is that?!'
We pulled in at the council offices
to see if they could help.
Do you have any idea where we can
charge electric cars up in Lincoln?
Electric cars
It just needs a socket, really.
You do, don't you?
'We didn't have to wait long
for an answer.
'
I checked with our team,
there are definitely no points within
Lincolnshire.
Not in Lincolnshire?
Who's pushing who?
'Various people suggested friends
who might be able to help
'but they were all too far away.
'
So, we stopped at a restaurant
in the marina
to ask if we could buy
some of their electricity.
Use some of your charm.
It will begin with the word "hello".
Ready? "Hello.
" Hello.
We were just wondering,
we're trying to
We've got two electric cars.
Right.
James has a way with women.
I should imagine he'll be able
to talk her into it, no problem.
.
.
it's going to take 12 hours.
No.
James, I do apologise,
those boats must be getting power
from the shore.
Yes, they'll have plugs
like caravan sites do.
Getting to the boat park
meant more driving,
so now my car was saying it would
need 13 hours to charge up.
'Very low battery charge.
Search for
nearest charging station.
'
HE LAUGHS
You're just wasting electricity
telling me that.
I've only got four miles left,
Jeremy must be running on
whatever the equivalent of empty is
for a battery.
We've just got to stop somewhere
and beg for the use of a socket.
'Hello, that's it.
'
That's it, that's it.
Oh, not there.
This is the future
of motoring here.
This is all of you lives here.
This is what's going to become
of you all.
Obviously, the solution would be
to get a tow from James.
However "Do not tow this vehicle
with all four wheels on the ground.
"This may cause serious
and expensive damage to the motor.
"
Thank you.
Thankfully, some of the large crowd
we'd attracted
kindly pushed me to the boat park.
However
I can see two problems with this.
You have got to get across
that water.
And the other one is
It's too short.
Yes.
We'll have to push it
somewhere else.
So, once more, we appealed
to the good people of Lincoln
who pushed me to the university
where, finally,
we found somewhere to charge up.
See that,
blue light on the dashboard.
When all three are flashing,
it's fully charged.
OK? Right.
We now had a 13-hour wait but,
thankfully, we were in the
magnificent city of Lincoln,
where there are many things
to see and do.
I like a good cathedral.
I would never normally
be brass rubbing
and do you know why
I've never done it?
All the cars I've ever owned have
been powered by petrol or diesel.
Look, it's Hammond,
only in a diving bell.
It does look a bit like Hammond,
actually.
Lincoln Castle was founded
by William the Conqueror 1068,
two years after the Norman Conquest.
You can't build a stone castle
on the earth and banks,
initially, you have to wait
for the banks to compact down.
That is the best building
in the world.
Really?
For a department store, that's
a fantastic piece of architecture.
What's he doing?
I'm doing an abstract floor rubbing.
Look at that,
that's quite interesting.
Basically, in the Ice Age,
the Lincolnshire edge -
a big lump of limestone.
Do you know what this hill
is called? Hill?
No.
Steep Hill.
Is it?
Yes, it really is.
They spent ages thinking of that.
Can you see the square frontage?
Yeah.
There's a square within
the square.
Yeah.
That is like a Norman
fortified building
You know Nissan are going
to start putting
fast-charge points
at all their dealerships?
You'll be able to charge your
car up in 30 minutes.
Hmm.
The problem is, do that all
the time, then you could
ruin the battery pack
in three years.
Yeah, how much is a new battery
pack? ÃÅ7,000.
Really? Actually, Nissan
can't say how much,
but we rang an expert.
He said, in today's money, ÃÅ7,000.
How long do they think batteries
last if you charge them
slowly and don't thrash them?
If you charge them up when
they're half empty, rather than
letting them get all the way
flat, maximum, ten years.
Possibly five.
It's not that long, is it? No.
Are you going to go?
I can't go, actually.
Since you put that in
my word doesn't fit any more.
As evening fell, we really were
running out of things to do.
I think mine's worked quite well.
Yeah, not bad.
Hurt like hell.
Is mine all right? Look.
JEREMY LAUGHS
What is it? What does it say?
What?
The next morning, after the longest
refuelling stop in history,
we set out once more for
Cleethorpes.
'As of the 12th May,
your energy economy was
The cost of charging this up
at the University with its
cheap deal was ÃÅ2.
34.
But, if you charge it up during
the day, depending on
who your supplier is
and what deal you've done,
it could cost you ÃÅ8.
30.
That's ÃÅ8.
30 to do -
it says - 100 miles.
To do 100 miles in a Golf BlueMotion
diesel will cost about the same.
But remember, the Golf is
over ÃÅ7,000 cheaper to buy.
And its fuel tank is unlikely
to be worn out after five years.
There are other issues, too.
One of the problems
with the electric car is
you drive constantly
as if on an economy run, because a
part of your brain is acutely aware
that when it's gone,
you're in for a big wait.
It will get different.
They'll have quick charging,
three-phase charging,
batteries will improve, yes.
But today, with this car on sale,
you simply have to accept
that you're going to learn a lot
of medieval history.
Plus you really do need to be able
to work out where you'll be
when the charge runs out.
And that's not easy.
So I've now done 26 miles
since I set off
but I've lost 40 miles of range.
Interesting.
I've also done 26 miles
but this is the bit you'll like,
I've gained two miles of range.
A lot of people think I have
a downer on the electric motor.
I don't.
Nothing wrong
with it at all.
Theoretically, it could be immensely
powerful.
And I like the Leaf.
Beautifully made, is very quiet.
It's extremely comfortable.
And spacious.
Good car.
But the batteries it uses
have to be recharged from the mains
and I don't think that's the answer.
I think that what I'm actually
driving is a squariel
or a laser disc
or a Beta tape machine.
Batteries? Batteries are rubbish.
Batteries are rubbish in everything.
Think of all the things
that are battery-powered.
Torches and mobile phones
and digital cameras and laptops.
I bet you, they're all either
completely flat or going flat
very quickly.
Eventually we arrived
in Cleethorpes.
We've made it to the seaside.
And it was on the dodgems
that we had an epiphany.
This is an electric car.
But it has no on-board battery.
It takes its power from
the chicken wire in the roof.
Yes, all we have to do, really,
is put chicken wire
above all the motorways
and dual carriageways in Britain.
You drive to your nearest one,
extend the pole on
the back of your car,
and off you go driving on the mains.
It gets better than that, you know,
because if the traffic's
really busy on the motorway,
the government could just
cut the power a bit
and everyone would go slowly,
then if it was empty they
increase the power
and everyone goes fast.
Actually if there was an accident
or some bad congestion ahead
they could just turn it off
and everybody would glide to
a safe halt at the same rate.
We have solved it.
We have solved it.
If you think about it,
if you're driving along the motorway
and you're really bored,
you could just deliberately crash
into someone to amuse yourself.
That's true.
Motorways are
boring, aren't they? Exactly.
So you just drive along doing this
to the man next to you
These cars, then,
are not the future.
But they did at least bring us
to where the future lies.
Oh, no, I've got oversteer.
Nobody does this deliberately
on the motorway.
Do they?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Er What? Chaps.
So, you are proposing a sort of
chicken-wire grid above all of
the nation's motorways.
Have you
two completely lost your minds?
Bringing you out in
a Helsinki syndrome?
Yeah, it's itching.
It's bad,
it is.
It is a brilliant idea.
I've had another one.
It's based on
the London tube network.
It's electrified roads.
Yeah, brilliant.
I'll just cross the road to that shop
there.
Dzzzz.
It's a stupid idea.
I've had an even better idea.
What about, you fit a car with
a special tank,
into which you put
a flammable liquid.
When the liquid runs out,
you pull into, let's call it
a petrol station, fill it up
in a couple of minutes, and you'd
never have to go brass rubbing.
I think that might catch on.
But seriously,
what are we all going to do
when the oil finally becomes
too expensive to use for personal
transport? Which it will.
Well, it's tricky, the government
recently said that there will
never be a charge point.
On every street corner
so you will be reduced
to going to universities
and that's not practical -
like what we did.
And you can't use a hybrid
because that uses a petrol engine
to charge up the batteries.
So, we're going to have to have
a whole new approach.
Dodgems.
No, Honda are already there.
It's hydrogen.
It has to be.
Truth be told, it is hydrogen.
Yes, but isn't hydrogen very
complicated to work out?
Yes, but it was complicated to take
television from Logie Baird's attic
to the point where you're now
appearing on a television
in Syria, but they did it.
In a very short time.
They did.
Anyway, it is now time to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight is responsible for
bands such as Boyzone,
Westlife, and Jedward.
And yet surprisingly, he hasn't been
tried for crimes against humanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the other
one from the X Factor, Louis Walsh.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
Louis Walsh, he's come among us.
And, um, now, to be fair,
I happen to know you do have
very good musical taste.
Of course I do, yeah.
I mean, it doesn't LOOK like you do.
In my job, in my day job?
Yeah.
That's what I sell.
I'm in the music business.
So, you sell?
What I listen to at home
is totally different.
I happen to know that you
and I share a
What, one person, yeah.
Bob Segar.
And the Silver Bullet Band.
Silver Bullet Band.
Who here is familiar with Bob Segar
and the Silver Bullet Band? Yes.
Yes? A big fan?
That's one big fan and I think
that's enough of a reason
to discuss Bob Segar at some length.
What is your favourite
Bob Segar song?
Ooh.
Night Moves, I think.
I agree.
What would you go with,
Night Moves, best one?
No, Old Time Rock And Roll.
Old Time Rock And Roll.
Old Time is good, yeah.
As used
in Risky Business? Absolutely.
Starring Tom Cruise.
I've a Wurlitzer jukebox,
all the old 45s.
I'm a fan of music.
So are you just flogging the noises
that come out of? I sell.
You sell Jedward?
Yeah, they do incredibly well.
Do you listen to Jedward at home?
No.
Honestly, no, no, I don't.
Does anybody own a Jedward record?
They've a new album out next week.
Have they? Yeah.
I'm not interested.
Doing really well around Europe.
Still not interested.
Your kids
would like them.
No, they wouldn't.
They would! Kids love Jedward.
They'd get savagely beaten!
Kids like Jedward and Westlife
and Take That.
Having established that you are
a man of great musical taste.
At home.
At home, yes.
At home.
Is it Cowell, then, that's
got the Celine Dion fixation?
Has Simon Cowell got
a rubbish musical taste?
Yes.
Absolutely.
He gave us Robson
and Jerome.
He did, actually.
And he gave us Zig and Zag.
Has he, do you think, in his house
got any Led Zeppelin at all?
No.
Absolutely not.
I have Led Zeppelin albums at home.
Bad Company?
Bad Company, Can't Get Enough?
He wouldn't know who they were.
He has a lot of bad company
but it is not the band.
So, anyway, X Factor, when is that
back? What stage are we at now?
That's series eight, it's back,
we've got three new judges.
We've got Gary Barlow,
Kelly Rowland, who was in
Destiny's Child, and we've got
Tulisa from the N-Dubz.
I know Gary Barlow.
Yeah.
You'd know Destiny's Child.
It's three girls, Beyonce was
like the front lady in the band.
Boncey what? Beyonce.
Beyonce!
She's like a big, big star.
Boncey and who?
She's married to Jay-Z.
What?
Jay-Z.
He's very cool.
Literally no idea what you're
talking about now.
So, anyway,
the important thing to establish
is when is the X Factor back?
Back on TV August, ITV.
Until September?
December 12th.
I have to ask you this
because we have to go out
on Top Gear on a Sunday night
when you're not on.
And my children say,
when we are sitting on a beach
freezing ourselves to death
in December,
"Daddy, why are we here now?"
"Because Louis and Simon"
Simon's not on this year.
Oh, he's gone.
"Because Louis and Boncey's mate"
Beyonce.
".
.
are watching a girl
who last week was working
behind a till in Asda
"and she's on a journey.
"
Everyone's on a journey.
We have to move Top Gear to get out
the way of the ratings juggernaut.
Because people wouldn't watch
Top Gear.
They'd prefer X Factor.
We know, which is really annoying!
But anyway Anyway!
.
.
while we're on the subject
of the X Factor.
Is it true that Simon Cowell
bought you all Botox vouchers?
He actually did, last Christmas.
You know what, you know something?
I haven't used mine.
No!
I'd like to Jeremy, Jeremy
LAUGHTER
I'd like to offer it to you.
Seriously.
I won't use them.
Is that where you get injected,
or is that collagen?
What do you do with Botox?
It's your face.
What do you do with it?
Ask Simon next time he's on.
Does he do Botox? Hello!
Every time he's on he goes,
"You really should"
"Darling!" "Darling,
take more care of your appearance.
"
I always think, but what could
I do to improve myself?
Do you want my Botox vouchers? No!
I want to talk to you about cars.
Because this is a car show.
What turns you on about a car?
I like the look of cars.
I just love looking at cars.
I love looking at
Lamborghinis, Maseratis, Ferraris.
Bentleys, Rolls, I love
I'm always taking pictures of them.
I don't like driving fast
but I love looking at cars.
It's the aesthetics of a car?
Absolutely.
After Which was
the first one? Boy's World?
I had a Toledo.
Boyzone was
my first band.
Your first band?
My first car was a Toledo.
It was a white Toledo.
Yes, and I took it out
the very first time ever.
I was parking it at home and I put
my foot on the accelerator.
I went *** into the wall
and wrecked the car.
The first time I took it out.
The first time?
The first time I'd taken it out.
And were you employed as a
record-company chauffeur?
I wasn't employed as a chauffeur,
I was an agent.
I used to bring
artists to Ireland, singers,
different singers, like Sinitta.
I used to drive them around
to the gigs.
In your Toledo?
No, I had a Mustang.
I had a really nice Mustang.
Do you remember what period Mustang?
It was red and black,
that's all I remember.
I'm driving a Maserati now.
I've had
it three years.
A Gran Turismo.
I've
done 3,000 miles in it.
3,000 miles?
Yeah.
Do you like it? I love it!
I love looking at it.
I wash it
every week.
I love the car.
That's the first time we've ever
had a guest who says,
"I love my car,
I watch it every week.
"
I wash it.
Wash it.
Oh, wash it! I'm a bit mutton.
So you have a penchant for
American cars and good-looking cars.
But you're not really a driver? I'm
not a fast driver.
So, the bad news.
I know I'm a terrible driver.
I know.
How do we know? I know!
I drove around that bloody track.
I ended up on the grass.
I know I'm not good.
I'm probably
the worst you've ever had.
Sadly, when you went on the grass,
the cameras weren't running.
Oh, good.
Yes, they were! Unusually,
I believe this is the first corner.
Yes, look, here you go.
Foot still in it.
That's the dictionary definition
of understeer.
Still in it!
I love the way that you had
the hope that it was going to be
OK as a lap time.
"Still keep
going!" Have many people done that?
The only person who ever went off
there was Lionel Richie.
Lionel? The wheel fell off.
That was the only reason.
OK, OK.
Who would like to see the actual
lap? YEAH! Let's have a look.
Here we go.
Racy start.
No wheel spin.
Why not?
There's a terrible smell of oil.
The handbrake is on.
It was on, yes!
You set off with the handbrake on?
OK, let's have a look at turn one.
Have we got it right this time?
CAR SCREECHES
Yes, no, yes.
Just held it all
together there.
Ooh, changed gear.
I need Stig, badly.
I need Stig, yes.
He was good.
You're going a very long way
round.
Argh!
Oh BLEEP
I'm going to be the last
person ever.
You really do need to get those
gear-changes worked out.
It's going, ra-ra-ra!
I drive an automatic car.
Change gear!
Change gear.
What are gears?
There we go, that's it.
OK, here we go.
I'm finally
going to fly this one.
Scary doing that.
Here we go.
I hope I'm insured.
No, you don't needs to be insured.
Nothing to hit.
Second to last corner.
That's rather
a neat line through there,
if I may say.
And Gambon.
That's also very nicely done.
Across the line, everybody.
APPLAUSE
So
There it is, where do you think?
I'm near the bottom.
These are wet times.
Ignore the
wet times.
Anything with W after it.
The slowest we've ever had was
Amber Heard, and she did a 1.
50.
3.
You think you were slower than that?
Am I under Angelina Jolie?
LAUGHTER
I don't know!
Right, 1:53 is the slowest so far.
You did it in 1
APPLAUSE
That's good!
Sitting there between Alastair
Campbell and Danny Boyle.
Wow.
A weird place to find yourself.
So I did better than Geldof?
You what?
I did better than Bob Geldof.
Oh yes, you beat Gob Beldof.
I'm happy.
And Al Murray.
So there we are.
There we are.
The audience loves you,
the Stig loves you,
we all love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Louis Walsh!
APPLAUSE
Louis Walsh!
Now, we recently received
an invitation to a motorsport event.
And as it involved mud and
who better to attend, we thought,
than Top Gear's own Minister for
Rural Affairs, Richard Hammond?
'This is cross-country racing.
'
'It takes place at various locations
across Britain
'and for the teams taking part,
'it's one of the toughest amateur
motor sports around.
'
We're here to follow one of those
teams as they take part in their
very first event.
But here's the thing,
there's something about these guys
that takes that challenge
to a whole new level.
'This team is made up of soldiers
who've all suffered massive injuries
whilst fighting in Afghanistan.
'
'Soldiers like Tom, the co-driver.
'
I was a sniper out there.
I shifted a sandbag and detonated
a ***-trap IED.
I just lost my feet to begin with
and through infection,
and other various things, I kept
having to have aggressive surgery
and ended up basically losing my
left arm and having my legs
amputated.
'Then there's Gav,
the team's mechanic.
'
I was unlucky enough to strike
an IED,
obviously maiming me, leaving
me a bilateral amputee.
I lost both my femoral arteries.
I've got no idea how I survived
that, to be fair.
'Compared to those two, Tony the
driver actually feels quite lucky.
'
I'm a below-knee scratch.
Is that what you call it!?
Having been mercilessly ripped by
Tom and others for being,
well, it's just a flesh wound,
really - to quote Monty Python.
'These soldiers are using motor sport
as a way of helping them
'come to terms with their injuries.
'
'They've set themselves an incredible
challenge, because in just 18 months,
'they aim to compete in the world's
most gruelling race'
'The fearsome Dakar rally.
'
I know there's amputees
all round the world
but for us, it's like pushing it
as far as we can.
If you can crack on in a Dakar rally
when you're doing 18-hour days
for two weeks solid, you can
pretty much achieve anything.
Your career's going one direction
and all of a sudden it grinds
to a halt
and you have to think about a
totally different way of living
your life.
It's important to challenge
yourself, to keep on challenging
yourself.
'Out on the eight-mile course,
most of the other competitors
'are running in powerful,
bespoke 4x4s.
'
'But the soldiers must begin
their long climb to the Dakar
'in a humble Land Rover Freelander.
'
First disabled team to do this,
mate.
Amber.
3, 2, 1, go.
Straight down here, mate.
Brake, brake, brake, brake.
Good, good.
What would you like to see come out
of this weekend?
I'd like to see it function,
for a start.
To find out where our weaknesses
are and work on them,
just keep focusing
on our weaknesses.
That's it.
'Tony and Tom complete their first
run in 12 minutes 14,
'some four minutes shy
of the big boys.
'
'Already, they've discovered
a problem that is unique to them.
'
The problem we've got is obviously
because Tony's missing his left leg,
he can't feel the palm of his foot
on the clutch and that's going to
give slip and you'll lose power.
I think what we're going to do
is devise a light that comes on
and warns him he's riding the
clutch, so he can pull his leg off.
Neat idea.
'The clutch fix isn't one
that can be done on site.
'So, for now,
the team must crack on regardless.
'
'And crack on, they do.
'
You did 10.
54 on that last one.
Hairpin.
First gear, mate.
Go through, go through, go through.
'Spending a day with them,
'it becomes obvious their injuries
are more than just physical.
'
The bloke alongside you, killed?
Yes, Anthony Lombardi.
He was also a mechanic.
Young lad, 21 year old.
He was a really good bloke, yes
It just, I think,
it's difficult because Um
Can you just give us a minute?
Please.
As long as you want, mate.
Oh, mate
HE CRIES
'It's then that you start to realise
the value of a project like this.
'
These guys are soldiers,
they're men of action.
They're used to having challenges,
problems,
obstacles to overcome by working
together as a team.
This isn't a treat.
This is therapy,
it's something they need to do
if they're going to recover as well
as they possibly can.
'By the end of the first day,
the amputee team are running second
in the Freelander class.
'
Hey, mate!
'But there's little time
for celebration
'because they must very quickly get
to grips with the car they'll be
driving in the Dakar,
'a four-litre, V8 engine Wildcat.
'
To make the move to this,
the guys are going to need some
training from an expert driver.
And we've got one.
'Yes, it's ex-Stig,
special forces driving instructor
'and romantic novelist, Ben Collins.
'
All right? Are we ready? Yes,
very good, looking forward to it.
Good, good.
When you're going round, don't tell
him anything, he'll put it in
a book.
Make sure of that.
HIGH PITCHED: All right, men?
All right? Aye!
If you see Ryan, stop talking.
Leave it at that, all right?
Have fun.
Happy days.
OK, let's crank it.
Do you know, to be honest, I am quite
glad to see the old splitter back.
And I do know how much giving these
guys a hand means to him.
So, this is all right.
'Clearly, Jilly Cooper had lost
none of his teaching skills.
'
Pop it back into second.
You don't want to use the brakes,
just pop in the gas.
Go.
'Which meant on their first
solo outing, Tony and Tom
didn't disappoint.
'
Just remember this bit here,
Tone.
Nice.
That's a nine minute 51 guys.
We'll do it faster next time.
Yes.
'But mastering the Wildcat
is just the beginning,
'because these guys face problems
that their rivals won't encounter.
'
There you go, mate.
'Gavin, for example, has had
to devise a unique system
'for doing repairs
in the middle of nowhere.
'
'Tiredness is an issue too.
As a triple amputee,
'Tom uses 300% more energy
than an able-bodied person,
just to move around.
'
'And then, there's their prosthetics.
If I show you the back of mine,
it makes more sense.
See the back of here?
That is quite unnerving when you do
that.
You just wanted to do that.
Sand's getting
into the piston there,
getting water into the
electronics, it's all electronic
but if the legs play up
and that, I can just
pop them in the back
and just crack on.
THEY LAUGH
'One thing that won't let
them down is their camaraderie,
'which shows up best when they
talk about the kind of tricks they'd
play on each other in hospital.
'
One of the big ones was swapping
their wheelchair by the bedside
while they slept,
with maybe an office chair
with castor wheels,
and then pushing them around
and that for the rest of the day.
Or padlocking them to their beds.
So they set off and?!
I got injured about a week
after a guy, a ranger, Andy Allen.
Basically he lost his eyesight
and both his legs as well.
He was a big Manchester United fan,
huge.
The guy obviously had
Manchester United shirts
and we swapped them all
for Liverpool shirts
and the guy would be cutting
round in Liverpool shirts.
That is
a properly devious idea!
But when he started to get his
eyesight back a little bit,
he basically just
let loose on us then.
It feeds the sense of humour
that you're used to
and takes it a step further.
It also makes you come to terms
with what's happened to you.
You don't have to stop being you
just because of what's happened.
You don't have to
People shouldn't pity you.
Come on.
'Throughout the day, the lads have
been getting faster and faster.
'
You've just done two runs.
That was a 9.
17 and a 9.
08.
Break that barrier! Eight second.
'And as they lined up for the last
run of the weekend,
'everybody - us, the organisers,
the other competitors,
'wanted to see them break
the nine-minute barrier.
'
Mate, if we don't do it
less than nine minutes
Right, amber.
Keep accelerating this bit, mate.
Keep going, keep going.
Second, yes?
Second gear's good.
Boot it, boot it, boot it.
Nice!
This is awesome!
BLEEP
Keep going, keep going.
Here he is, here he is!
Oh my God.
That's it!
'Sadly, they hadn't broken
that nine-minute barrier,
'probably because they HAD broken
something else.
'
Oh, yes!
Most of that will polish out.
Largely, yes, largely.
That's a below centre point scratch.
LAUGHTER
'I really hope that these guys
do make it to the Dakar,
'because on spirit alone,
they deserve to be there.
'
On that day I got blown up,
I never thought I'd make this stage
where I'm at now.
We said this in the car before,
who'd ever have thought
we'd be sat in a Wildcat on a
Sunday morning, rallying around?
What an experience.
STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
JEREMY: You DO deserve to be in the
Wildcat on a Sunday morning.
RICHARD HAMMOND: And they are
here with us tonight!
Now, can I just say, really,
I think everybody here will join us
in wishing you all the very best.
We really do hope you make it
to the start and the finish
of the Dakar.
You really do deserve it, guys.
You do deserve it.
That's it!
Not only for this programme,
but for this series.
We'll be back whenever
the X Factor's finished.
See you then, good night.