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"I've called you to present a new initiative. After the success of the columbarium to house human ashes and holding weddings at the Camp Nou, today we start up a new service. Freixa, put on the video."
Dear future parents: Would you like your baby to be a cule from the very beginning?
Now it's possible thanks to the Camp-Nou-born Plan that will let you give birth in our facilities.
The plan consists of five steps.
No.1: Let Guardiola make the examinations.
"It would be better if the baby kicked with the outside of the foot."
No.2: Have a labor cheered by the fans.
"Oh, le, le! Oh, la, la! Giving birth is the best there is!"
No.3: Enjoy with Puyal's play-by-play comments (Catalan sports radio commentator).
"Your attention! Josep is about to be born!" "No, ***! Marc is the one who's about to be born!"
"Twins! Josep and Marc are about to be born! Breathe more, and more, and more...!" (sounds like Messi, Messi...)
No.4: Your baby will be picked up by Víctor Valdés,
or by Pinto if you choose the cheapest fare.
No.5: Let Sandro Rosell break the good news to your relatives.
"What?" "The father, aren't you?"
"Yes." "Congratulations!" "Thanks!"
"Now I'm going to be a bit politically incorrect, eh? Your son looks a bit ugly."
"What? Why do you say that? Come here!"
Hire now the Camp-Nou-born Plan with an exclusive introductory offer:
Your son's ultrasound scan together with the man with The Observer.
Because you have to be born a cule to be a cule.